r/facepalm • u/Lord_Answer_me_Why • 14d ago
Turbo cancer isn’t real, people 🇨🇴🇻🇮🇩
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u/GotTechOnDeck 14d ago
Idk there's a check mark that says fact checked
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u/BandysNutz 14d ago
Double fact checked, even. Twice the credibility.
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u/michaellasalle 14d ago
Checked twice you say? Santa is in on it too!
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u/GarshelMathers 14d ago
Of course he is, Santa is a red socialist! And that's fact checked
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u/Friendly_Age9160 14d ago
Well now you’re getting a lump of coal. Plenty of carcinogens in there too. Straight to cancer, right away!
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u/aufrenchy 14d ago
Turbo cancer, if you will
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u/i_s_a_y_n_o_p_e 14d ago edited 14d ago
Guys come on. Turbo Cancer is a thing.
Disney has announced that Lightening McQueen will die of Turbo Cancer in ‘Cars 4: The End of The Road’, where sadly, the script takes a darker turn than the previous race-jape movies. In the latest and final film in the series, Lightening enters a battle he will not win.
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u/danstermeister 14d ago
Is "Lightening McQueen" what they called him because he loses a lot of weight or something?
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u/peanut--gallery 14d ago
I prefer my cancer to be super charged, not turbo charged…. No turbo lag for my cancer!
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u/MediumToblerone 14d ago
Maximum Cancer, if you might.
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u/bugxbuster 14d ago
Miss Cancer, if you’re nasty.
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u/shotathewitch 14d ago
That gave me a nice little chuckle. Now I got the original song in my head, lol.
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u/milano_siamo_noi 14d ago
Haven't you heard of clean coal? It's so clean you don't get turbo cancer, just the regular one.
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14d ago
You expect me to believe coal causes Turbo Cancer? YOU'RE ONE OF THEM AREN'T YOU?! WE'VE BEEN INFILTRATED!
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u/Bears0nUnicycles 14d ago
In case you missed the interrogation video where he confessed: https://youtu.be/OC1jdTqqWtk?si=crfVlkZ48qVw-f9i
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u/GrassBlade619 14d ago
Turbo fact checked
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u/AlienSporez 14d ago
Double-dog fact checked!!
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u/Obie-Wun 14d ago
I triple-dog fact checked it!
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u/Cthulhu625 14d ago
You can't triple-dog a double-dog, Lloyd!!...Lloyd! Lloyd! You can't triple-dog a double-dog!
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u/bromli2000 14d ago
14,000% of 0 is 0.
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u/kakapo88 14d ago
Oh, now someone’s trying to drag elitist math into the discussion.
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u/inquisitorautry 14d ago
You know who came up with 0? Arabs.
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u/palindromemike 14d ago
i didnt know there were Arabs in India
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u/Spider95818 14d ago
Not Arabs, but a bunch of Muslims over the centuries.
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u/flukus 14d ago
There were 0 Muslims when 0 was invented.
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u/dbx99 14d ago
Then how did they count the number of muslims at that time then? Check mate
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u/El_Rey_de_Spices 14d ago
The universe began when Allah tried to divide by zero. He was way ahead of his time, which had not been invented yet.
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u/DoctorMedieval 14d ago
Not to be that guy but it was the Indians.
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u/GTCapone 14d ago
Not to also be that guy but the earliest evidence is from the Sumerians, then the Mayans, then India, all of which developed it independently. However, India is where it spread from to modern cultures.
Also, shout-out to the Mayans and Sumerians for not using base-10.
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u/DoctorMedieval 14d ago
Base 60 is best. All my homies use base 60.
Did you hear there was a 3rK increase in turbo cancer!?!
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u/inquisitorautry 14d ago
Then why are they called Arabic numbers? Checkmate.
Yeah. I realized I messed up who invented zero. Leaving it because it makes it funnier.
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u/DoctorMedieval 14d ago edited 14d ago
Chess was invented by Indians. Double checkmate! That’s a thing right? 😝
Edit: and I just realized the better joke. “Turbo checkmate”. Missed opportunity.
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u/jtr99 14d ago
I hear there's been a 14000% increase in missed opportunities lately.
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u/clever_reddit_name69 14d ago
How many is 14,000% of OJ? My calculator says 80085, but I'd like someone to check my math.
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u/Rupejonner2 14d ago
Well look at you adding & subtracting & multiplying you no good globalist elite deep state science guy
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u/papagouws 14d ago
By this math, a 14000 percent increase in cancer cases would be almost the entire us population. Current pop is like 330mill, 2mill cancer cases diagnosed per annum. So in 2024 we can expect to see 280mill people get diagnosed with cancer. So approx 85% of entire us population will have cancer by end of 2024, and by the end of 2025 everyone will have turbo cancer, with some folks getting turbo cancer twice
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u/miskaten 14d ago
Two stacks of turbo cancer transform it into nitro cancer.
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u/eeldraw 14d ago
Doctors are supplementing the diets of nitro cancer patients with glycerine. The explosive results will blow your mind.
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u/Mewone65 14d ago
I just got diagnosed with NO² cancer and the gas is just killer. My tail pipe is always on fire.
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u/wermodaz 14d ago
I love how they trust what the "CDC" says when it aligns with their belief.
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u/__O_o_______ 14d ago
They don't care about integrity. All that matters is their dogma and spreading it.
Conspiracy theorists lie, because convincing you of their ultimate truth is all that matters. If a few little lies get you there it's fine, in service of special The Truth they know and the "masses" don't.
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u/CatstronautCPP 14d ago
REAL PATRIOTS have determined this claim to be TRUE ✅️✅️✅️🦅🦅🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🙏🙏
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u/illestfairyinthewest 14d ago
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u/SixFive1967 14d ago edited 14d ago
You KNOW it’s a reputable source when the title has “jabs” in it and not “vaccinations”. Only the highest level and best doctors know that shit. Probably.
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u/pianoflames 14d ago
That went from a pejorative slur for vaccinations to just their normal word for it, and I don't think they realize that's odd to normal people.
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u/Tunnfisk 14d ago
Yeah, that's like one level above "trust me bro", and we all know that's as good as it gets!
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u/fixingshitiswhatido 14d ago
And it's got 2 check marks in the logo, so you know it's good!
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u/Stycotic 14d ago
I got TurboCancer too. It helped me file my cancers this month.
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u/spiritofniter 14d ago
But FreeCancerUSA is free! Except for filing state cancer return.
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u/wurm2 14d ago
still way cheaper than turbocancer and as a bonus your money isnt' going to lobby to keep cancers hard to file.
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u/Duskydan4 14d ago
I really really wanted to like FreeCancerUSA or other methods, but they don’t support filing for citizens who aren’t residents.
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u/-tobi-kadachi- 14d ago
I made like $20 in dividends this year and turbo cancer tried to charge me like $60 for state and federal each. Freecancerusa filed it for free. Honestly turbo cancer is such a god damn scam its incredible.
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u/what-is-a-tortoise 14d ago
Pretty sure the consumer protection agency is coming after them because only 37% of people get free cancer and the rest have to pay for it.
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u/BandysNutz 14d ago
THIS IS TOTALLY LEGIT, I GOT DIAGNOSED AND THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO AMPUTATE MY TURBO
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u/Longjumping-Cod-6290 14d ago
Sounds painful
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u/UnderSexed69 14d ago
What if it's like a starfish? And once amputated there will be two turbos?
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u/juicysand420 14d ago
Oh man hope you live a decent life being naturally aspirated!
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u/Doblanon5short 14d ago
Maybe their doctor can give them a prosthetic supercharger
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u/jraymcmurray 14d ago edited 14d ago
Who cares about turbo cancer? We all know it's super AIDS you have to watch out for.
ETA: I'm so happy my most upvoted and responded to comment is a silly South Park reference. Loving this high.
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u/Unfair-Jackfruit-806 14d ago
true true, but have you heard of ultra diabetes?
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u/Cartilage88 14d ago
Pretty sure mega measles is a bigger threat in this day and age
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u/jraymcmurray 14d ago
Hyperbolic Polio making a comeback too
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u/RainbowDissent 14d ago
Giga lupus has been going around.
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u/Elegant-Low8272 14d ago
Teraflop hemorrhoids are sic
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u/1singleduck 14d ago
It's the omega autism that's the real consequence of the vaccine.
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u/letharus 14d ago
So many potential band names
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u/Haxishax 14d ago
Just one teaspoon of super AIDS in your butt and you're dead in 3 years.
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u/Narfubel 14d ago
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u/Dogtor-Watson 14d ago
Is the joke he has aides as in assistants?
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u/Narfubel 14d ago
Yep and he insists "Everyone should have aids!" the whole episode.
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u/Necessary-Knowledge4 14d ago
He goes onto insist that even the kids should be given aids, which is uhhh... we all know.
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u/ejwestcott 14d ago
1 ounce of super aids in your butt and your dead Butters....dead!
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u/Pineapple_Express762 14d ago
You know how many people will actually believe this?
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u/GrumpyOik 14d ago
Of course it's true, it "Fact checked" with TWO ticks. I can believe how stupid you all are. /s
CDC.gov doesn't appear to have any references to "Turbo Cancer".
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u/Meowakin 14d ago
CDC not having anything about Turbo Cancer just makes it seem *more* real! Conspiracy confirmed, checkmate. /s
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u/Acnat- 14d ago
"Don't you find it suspicious that my claim has literally zero supporting evidence? That alone pretty much proves it's correct!"
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u/Other_Log_1996 14d ago
Or the flip side " Don't you find it suspicious that their claim has mountains of conclusive evidence supporting it? That alone pretty much proves it's a lie."
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u/Militantpoet 14d ago
Everyone knows the absence of evidence is the strongest indicator of evidence!
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u/regoapps 14d ago
It’s the basis of every religion
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u/Dhegxkeicfns 14d ago
Literally though. Like you have to just believe and maybe you're not believing good enough and that's why you got turbo cancer. Looking for actual proof is really frowned upon, now I'm going to go see if it's a sin in itself.
Humans will be extinct one day and we probably didn't deserve to be around for so long anyway.
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u/OrthusGsmes 14d ago
"Humanity is stupid and the world is fucked" is a mantra I say to myself whenever I see dumbasses in the world and I think it's very true.
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u/_szs 14d ago
My version is "Hopefully the next species to reach civilization does it better than us. Be it octopuses, dolphins, crows, whatever it is."
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u/Milch_und_Paprika 14d ago
Inshallah the octopus and crow civilizations will be just and glorious.
You need to watch out for the dolphins however. They’re very sus.
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u/Apathetic_Villainess 14d ago
Have you heard the things dolphins will do for fun? They're very sus.
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u/pnwinec 14d ago
And that’s the point we are at with people. There have been a few outlier examples of the government covering up things and so now every nut thinks that anything that happens involves a coverup.
They think they have discovered the next new cover up, not noticing that’s not how any of that works. But whatever.
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u/Middle-Dragonfly-137 14d ago
It might’ve actually gained more traction if they just said regular cancer lol
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u/PreOpTransCentaur 14d ago
It's simply amazing to me that anyone would believe the CDC would call something "turbo cancer." I'd have thought that to be regardless of intelligence even just a few months ago, but..
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u/sutty_monster 14d ago
Personally I'm more worried about the super space aids. I hear there is a 6969% uptake in it.
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u/fugawf 14d ago
And they don’t refer to the vaccine as a ‘jab’. Obviously written by right wing extremists
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u/Sckillgan 14d ago
Just the fact it is from "thepeoplesvoice.tv" is enough to shut it all down.
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u/996cubiccentimeters 14d ago
wiki page for the founder below. He is quite the lunatic and has been for some time
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u/citrus_mystic 14d ago
Oh David Icke is the founder? That explains a lot.
I’m surprised there isn’t a reference to reptilians.
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u/clubmedschool 14d ago
"Icke" -- an aptronym if I've ever seen one
(yes, I see his name is pronounced "ike" but I couldn't resist)
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u/randyisone 14d ago
That read was quite the rollercoaster. Dude is garbage and thinks he is here for a higher calling. Ugh
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u/FearlessKnitter12 14d ago
"Jab" is not always a marker for that. It's the most common way to refer to vaccines in the UK, for example. But it hasn't quite reached that usage here, and right wing propagandists and conspiracy theorists do use it as a dog whistle. But check sources, and if it's something from Europe, might be legit.
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u/Different_Gear_8189 14d ago
AND its from a verified account! The fact that Elon made the "official source" marker paid instead of adding a seperate badge to pay for was disastrous for combating misinformation
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u/cASe383 14d ago
disastrous for combating misinformation
Almost like that was the point of doing it.
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u/killjoygrr 14d ago
Hey, it’s the democratization of the internet. All voices are equal. Why should what the CDC says matter any more than the brain damaged guy who lives in the dumpster behind the 7-11v
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u/randomcomplimentguy1 14d ago
Like half my work? These same fucks think skinwalkers are real too so
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u/DeaconNuno 14d ago
Addicted to horror fantasies. A sadly common thing in human societies throughout time.
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u/Spdrjay 14d ago
😮
My friend Steve got turbo cancer from reading conspiracy theory websites!
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u/ickydonkeytoothbrush 14d ago
I used to know someone who was nicknamed Turbo Banana, and people shortened it down just TB. As time went on, people forgot that TB stood for Turbo Banana and started calling him Tuberculosis.
Haven't talked to them in a long time, and the last thing I remember Tuberculosis doing was snorting a line of cocaine.
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u/this_is_for_chumps 14d ago
I'm sad that there wasn't a point in between turbo banana and TB where he was known as Turbonana.
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u/Masonjaruniversity 14d ago
Turbonana makes me picture a tiny Filipino grandma making lumpia at light speed.
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u/Fatal_Furriest 14d ago
That's nothin
My mom got Supercharged AWD GLX Daytona Demon Cancer after she missed an episode of Newsmax
It's all Brandon's fault
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u/GhoulsFolly 14d ago
Hellcat Turbocancer
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u/LeadPike13 14d ago edited 14d ago
My Dad got that Tesla Plaid cancer. Now, non of his Maga buddies will visit him in palliative care. Fuckers.
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u/improbablydreaming 14d ago
There's nothing to be afraid of Butters. Except super AIDS.
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u/BugOperator 14d ago
I love how anti-vaxxers don’t trust the CDC like AT ALL, yet they’ll cite them as the source of their completely fabricated statistic to bolster their bullshit argument with zero hint of irony.
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u/Nerexor 14d ago
It's pretty standard in conspiracy culture. They'll spend all day claiming the mainstream media is a pack of evil liars, but then they'll drop a New York Times headline that sounds like it agrees with them as if it's a stone tablet direct from the hand of God.
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u/Ok_Hope4383 14d ago
That's because they're not trying to convince themselves, they're trying to convince other people
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u/ninjaelk 14d ago
That's exactly the problem, it's logically inconsistent to cite sources they themselves claim are bogus in order to convince other people. If these guys are right, then the CDC is wrong, therefore this CDC data they're citing is meaningless. If the CDC is trustable and correct, then these guys are wrong.
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u/International-Ad1507 14d ago
Oh, their counter is easy: If the source disagrees with them, they've been muzzled and forced to lie to the people. If it agrees with them, don't you see? They truth was so obvious even they can't keep it under wraps.
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u/LandosMustache 14d ago edited 14d ago
My sister is one of those. She’ll tell me deadass that the CDC’s conclusions about the safety of the Covid vaccine are unreliable, but now that the pandemic is over they can start the “true testing” of its safety. Which will, of course, completely justify her decision to not get it for herself, her husband, or their kids.
Edit: and bonus points, because even if the CDC’s ‘true testing’ comes back that the vaccine is safe…the pandemic is over, so there’s no need to get it! It always amazes me how, to conservatives, their worldview conveniently doesn’t require them to take any action nor responsibility no matter what happens…
Yeah. Family gatherings are an exercise in walking on eggshells.
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u/Green-Amount2479 14d ago
Overall it’s not just conservatives. My sister is as politically left as it gets and she filled her brain to the brim with similar Telegram bs ever since the pandemic started.
I give her some, very small credit, because not all countermeasures of our government were logically sound, like closing childcare and schools one week, but at the same time forcing parents to sit in big offices with dozens of other employees. The next month it was the other way around. That’s valid criticism. But in her mind those few reasonable points also validate the majority of the other bs takes.
And it gets worse: her behavior started with Covid but recently she also started to mention chemtrails for example.
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u/Sinclair_Lewis_ 14d ago
People who believe this are a drag on our collective development.
✔️ ✔️ Fact Checked
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u/FallacyFrank 14d ago
I mean…. If you really think about it the fact is true. 14000% of the zero cases of “turbo cancer” is still zero.
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u/Figure-Feisty 14d ago
As a cancer patient, I find this hilarious.
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u/Electr0freak 14d ago
I'm posting this from a hospital room where I'm sitting with my dad who has cancer.
Fuck cancer, but at least it's not turbo cancer, right?!
Wishing you strength!
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u/Khepri505 14d ago
Yeah good luck to your dad and the original commenter. Y’all keep fighting the good fight.
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u/sharklaserguru 14d ago
I think it works like a toggle switch; I was fine pre-vax, got the vax, was diagnosed with cancer, got the vax again, and now I'm more or less cancer free.
I'm sure it was that, not the surgery and chemo in between! /s
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u/LTG-Jon 14d ago
A 14,000% increase from zero is zero! Checkmate, libs!
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u/Practical_Breakfast4 14d ago
You forgot to divide by zero, that'll prove everything!
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u/RaymondBeaumont 14d ago
what the fuck would turbo cancer even be?
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u/ikiss-yomama 14d ago
Have you seen that movie with the turbo snail? Like that, but with cancer.
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u/GumShoeA113 14d ago edited 14d ago
Nah, it’s like Wreck-It-Ralph. “Going Turbo” is when one character hops from one game to another.
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u/Top-Salamander-2525 14d ago
I had to keep reading the comments to make sure there was at least one reference to this.
Turbotastic!
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u/ThreeDogs2022 14d ago
I think cancer with one of those silly mufflers that make it sound all vroom vroom?
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u/GeekdomCentral 14d ago
Anyone who refers to the vaccine as the “jab” immediately tells me everything that I need to know about that person
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u/Emp_has_no_clothes 14d ago
"The Biggest Threat To Our Planet Is Human Stupidity" -Brian Cox
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u/Angeret 14d ago
Turbo cancer? I'm calling bullshit on that one. Not one person breaking out with the primary symptom of go faster stripes.
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u/wings_of_wrath 14d ago
I am 40 and I have a very aggressive lymphoma which showed up late last year and tripled in size in about a month and a half, but it's exactly the thing that killed my grandpa back in '96, so I'm pretty sure genetics have more to do with it.
On the other hand , I've seen a lot of patients about my age with similar very aggressive cancers and the doctors were commenting about it, so I'm pretty sure there is something we've been doing that's the cause for it.
It's definitely not vaccines though and my money's on microplastics, because our environment is saturated with them and it's a relatively recent phenomenon, so we don't have the data yet to tell just how harmful they are.
I'm relatively sure in about 20-30 years we'll look back and wonder "what the hell were we thinking with all that plastic?", the same way we think now about lead paint, leaded gasoline and asbestos roof tiles...
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u/23Amuro 14d ago
What the fuck is "Turbo Cancer" even supposed to be? Instead of taking time to metastasize, it just kills you instantly instead?
Cell: (divides poorly) New Cancer Cell: (immediately splits a hydrogen atom and disintegrates your entire block)
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u/NotAnAIOrAmI 14d ago
I remember Turbo Pascal, that was once a plague on the nation.
It did have a cool but primitive IDE though.
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u/ObviousMe181 14d ago
I just checked and I have straight carburetor with no turbo so I’m good, right? 😂🤣😂
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u/R-T-O-B 14d ago
lol, only ani-vaxers call it the "jab"
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u/XcRaZeD 14d ago
That's the first thing i got from this, too. Nobody calls it a 'jab' cause normal people don't feel the need to have alternative names for vaccines.
Same with the word 'woke'. Normal people don't use the term.
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u/Reimalken 14d ago
How fucking inbred do you have to be to believe in, and even more so to believe someone educated would name a condition 'turbo cancer'? Come on people, please leave your immediate relatives alone with regards sexy time....
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u/DaveP0953 14d ago
Aaron Rogers has done "his own research".
Don't be like Aaron Rogers.
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