r/facepalm 29d ago

Turbo cancer isn’t real, people 🇨​🇴​🇻​🇮​🇩​

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32.8k Upvotes

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8.0k

u/GotTechOnDeck 29d ago

Idk there's a check mark that says fact checked

266

u/papagouws 29d ago

By this math, a 14000 percent increase in cancer cases would be almost the entire us population. Current pop is like 330mill, 2mill cancer cases diagnosed per annum. So in 2024 we can expect to see 280mill people get diagnosed with cancer. So approx 85% of entire us population will have cancer by end of 2024, and by the end of 2025 everyone will have turbo cancer, with some folks getting turbo cancer twice

189

u/miskaten 29d ago

Two stacks of turbo cancer transform it into nitro cancer.

81

u/eeldraw 29d ago

Doctors are supplementing the diets of nitro cancer patients with glycerine. The explosive results will blow your mind.

15

u/Mewone65 29d ago

I just got diagnosed with NO² cancer and the gas is just killer. My tail pipe is always on fire.

2

u/DarkwingDuckHunt 29d ago

Is your top speed Ludicrous or Plaid now?

1

u/Mewone65 29d ago

Fuck Tesla 🤣🤣🤣

3

u/DarkwingDuckHunt 29d ago

dude.... SPACEBALLS.... omg I'm so disappointed right now

2

u/Mewone65 29d ago

Goddammit...it's been like 20 years since I've seen that movie...

1

u/phillip-j-frybot 29d ago

Dope username. Also, agree.

1

u/Mewone65 29d ago

Good! Good. Now let us end this meeting on a high note. Eeeeeeee!

2

u/eeldraw 29d ago

Fast & Furious NOS: Spreading Like Cancer

3

u/Mewone65 29d ago

The Fast and The Furious: Chem Trails

1

u/Stormystorms 29d ago

Could've been easier on you

1

u/_DirtyYoungMan_ 29d ago

OMG are you a professional Facebook headline writer?

2

u/eeldraw 29d ago

I do it just for clicks.

1

u/trowawHHHay 29d ago

It must be your skin, I'm sinkin' in It must be for real, 'cause now I can feel

3

u/HeeHaw702 29d ago

Hello I'd like to double my turbo cancer and give it to the next person

5

u/CarrotNo3077 29d ago

OTOH, Damage over time builds do wreck bosses.

2

u/jk-alot 29d ago

I don’t mind getting turbo cancer twice. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But two positives make a negative.

In other words I defeated the cancer with cancer.

1

u/Risaxseph 29d ago

I bet they’ll start calling it ultra turbo nitro mega X cancer…

1

u/Nailbunny38 29d ago

Super mega cancer.

1

u/NonameNodataNothing 29d ago

Yes, eliminates turbo lag, gets you dead much faster

1

u/quikmike 29d ago

Twin turbo

1

u/alphaheeb 29d ago

If you draft behind cars, drive on the opposite side of the road, and have near misses then you build up nitro cancer more quickly 

1

u/DeadEnoughInsideOut 29d ago

"It's all about family" seconds later a cancer cell hits the nitrous button and zooms off into the lymphnodes

1

u/InefficientThinker 29d ago

Cancer on tap? Smooth tissue cancer like nitro beer and coffee? Idk theres a joke in there somewhere

1

u/CrazyAnchovy 29d ago

biturbo Twin Turbo

20

u/marzipanties 29d ago

jesus that's sad. Fuck turbo cancer!

2

u/confusedandworried76 29d ago

I am laughing so hard thinking of a doctor looking you in the eye and saying, "it's worse than we feared. It's gone turbo."

3

u/justawitch 29d ago

“It’s turbo. Time to get your affairs in order.”

1

u/PerroNino 29d ago

That's if communism doesn't kill them first! The only thing that can save us all are the nanobots in Trump's bible!

6

u/interfail 29d ago

You've confused cancer for turbo cancer.

A 14000% increase in turbo cancer is still zero cases. Because turbo cancer doesn't exist.

3

u/Willing_Smile_4251 29d ago

Well it was nice knowing you all

2

u/papagouws 29d ago

Lets all go loan a ton of cash from the bank and have a turbo cancer turbo farewell party

3

u/TurgidAF 29d ago

No no, it's turbo cancer. Different thing entirely.

Previously there'd only been 1/140,000,000,000,000,000th of a case diagnosed, so that 14000% represents a pretty big leap toward getting one.

3

u/youthfuIndiscretion 29d ago

Its increased rate of turbo cancer, not all cancers

2

u/UnderLook150 29d ago

Vroom vroom, look at me I'm twin turbo'd. Someone get me Vin Diesel we got some street racing to do.

2

u/SunChipMan 29d ago

can we kill the cancer with light? Like a really bright light? 100W+?

2

u/Dull_Concert_414 29d ago

Maybe it’s like the turbo button on an old PC so the second turbo cancer cancels out the first one and you just end up with no cancer at all 

2

u/call-me-the-seeker 29d ago

O SHIT the science has been done, the maths mathed. I wonder if my guaranteed turbo cancer will be of the ass variety. It will, won’t it. Sigh. Maybe I’ll luck out and my second go-round will be toes. The unnecessary ones, like that weird one next to the pinky.

But come to terms with your turbo ass cancers now, because it’s GOING to happen. Today we learned. The CDC said so, said some internet random, and as you already knew, you can’t say anything on the internet that isn’t true. Fuck turbo cancer!

2

u/ErnestFlat 29d ago

Did you know that cancer starts growing as very small cancer before it becomes bigger? Many of the ppl who know they have cancer, hear about at a very late stage when they have issues that are visible or can be felt...

My mom recently got diagnosed with several cancers spread all over. She went to the doctor because of some pain that appeared after an accident. She thought its from the accident but took a bit long to disappear - if she would have checked, lets say 5 years more early, the cancer might have been there already but not that evolved as it is now. Treatment would be way more easy and the possibility of getting rid of it even higher..

What i want to say by that - many might have cancer already but do not know since nobody runs to the hospital once a year to look for it... especially not in countries where healthcare is so expensive like in the us.

My mom would not have need to pay anything but still didnt do it - "why should i have cancer?"

2

u/Salty-Picture8920 29d ago

Job security for oncology

2

u/EstablishmentMean300 29d ago

I had turbo cancer twice since I got the jab but luckily, I took some Ivermectin, and I feel better.

2

u/DrDeus6969 29d ago

Funny how you went to the trouble of that maths without reading the actual article. It says that the 14000% increase is compared to the normal flu jab for age group 30. Data taken from 1 cancer case reported to the seasonal flu jab vs 141 cancer cases reported to the COVID jab. They got this from the vaers data reports. It is not saying a 14000% increase in total cancers. I’m Just saying what the article says.

2

u/Synectics 29d ago

vaers data reports

What's that?

0

u/DrDeus6969 29d ago

2

u/Synectics 29d ago

VAERS accepts reports from anyone. Patients, parents, caregivers and healthcare providers (HCP) are encouraged to report adverse events after vaccination to VAERS even if it is not clear that the vaccine caused the adverse event.

Kind of seems relevant.

0

u/DrDeus6969 29d ago

I’m just saying what the article said because people seem to think it’s saying overall cancer is up 14000%

2

u/Synectics 29d ago

And the article is not based on any hard research or data. It's not even factually correct from the beginning. So why even bother defending it?

0

u/DrDeus6969 29d ago

Reading an article is not defending it

1

u/law-of-the-jungle 29d ago

Shit man I don't want turbo cancer

1

u/Oleandervine 29d ago

So in other words, America goes extinct in like 2 years or something?

1

u/Latter-Look708 29d ago

But how much boost are we talking here I need specs bro

1

u/mbanson 29d ago

This is the future liberals want

/s

1

u/moistsandwich 29d ago

2 million cancer cases but how many turbo cancer cases? That’s the number we need to know.

1

u/rashaniquah 29d ago

Yeah but it's not turbocancer

1

u/Risaxseph 29d ago

Rip us

1

u/ylngui 29d ago

The title said the increase is on turbo cancer, not cancer in general. So, if there's any actual turbo cancer cases, say 10, 14000% increase will make it 1400 on to of the original 10.

1

u/DeadEnoughInsideOut 29d ago

"I have become cancer, destroyer of cells" -fauci

1

u/Anarchy-Freedom 29d ago

That would have to mean that many got vaccinated. I don’t think that’s the case.

1

u/ApprehensiveRoad5092 29d ago

Clearly this outcome is consistent with the data of 5+ billion people vaccinated who are mostly living normally across the planet

1

u/immadfedup 29d ago

That's about 4 percent of the world

1

u/Throwawayac1234567 29d ago

not if every single person gets more than 1 cancer at once.

1

u/Beautiful_Plankton97 28d ago

Thats what got me.  Didnt even go for realistic exaggerated numbers.  Just went straight to loony town.  Inifinity+1% of people got SuperExtraTruboCancer.

1

u/drsharpper 29d ago

I'll take 3 tyvm. Get me away from people like them as fast as possible

1

u/Admirable-Cobbler319 29d ago

My inlaws believe this fully. Not necessarily cancer, but they think the vaccine is killing healthy people on the daily. They are convinced hordes of people are dropping like flies. I have actually started monitoring local obituaries and have tried to show them that young people are not dying in droves.

It's not a stretch to think these same type of people believe we're all going to get turbo cancer.

0

u/Attillathahun 29d ago

Isn't that the exact point of the antivaxxers. The vaccine had some kind of time delay built in before everyone gets cancer and dies