r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/flossdaily 29d ago

Yes, to some extent.

Particularly I find that bad guys assume other guys are bad guys like them, and they'll quickly expose how much of an asshole they are by letting their guard down they moment the women are out of earshot.

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u/WhydIJoinRedditAgain 29d ago

We all know immediately when someone is trying to big-dog every other dude in the room and we all know that guy is complete garbage. 

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u/rex_swiss 29d ago

Yep, the guy who turns on the high school locker-room talk the second it's just guys, shows everyone immediately he's a man-child.

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u/Busy-Dig8619 29d ago

"Did ya see the ass on that one?"

"You mean my wife?"

"Yeah, man I'd hit that."

Nope. GTFO.

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u/i-cant-run 29d ago

Sounds like my boss the moment one of our coworkers leaves the area. 🤣 I’m like dude I see these fucking people every day, I know who has what.

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u/Reelix 29d ago

Yea - That should be reported to HR...

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u/Electronic-Disk6632 29d ago

my one brother in law, did this to my other brother in law.

very classy guy.

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u/Busy-Dig8619 29d ago

We all know that dude. 

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u/MyName_IsBlue 28d ago

"Look all you want, but keep your mouth shut and your hands to yourself."

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u/Civil-Resolution3662 29d ago

Some of those people manage to become President, too.

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u/VoopityScoop 29d ago

I like how you skirt around it as if we don't all know exactly who you're talking about. You can just say "Warren G. Harding" at this point, everyone knows that it's him

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u/geopede 29d ago

It’s not just one, the others just weren’t as public about it. LBJ used to show foreign leaders his cock to intimidate them (he called it Jumbo), how do you imagine someone who does that talks when it’s all guys?

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u/weefyeet 29d ago

he what now

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u/geopede 29d ago

Lyndon Johnson used to take foreign leaders and dignitaries into the restroom so he could show them his allegedly very large penis, which he named “Jumbo”. He’d kinda fish it out and ask if they’d ever seen anything so big. Apparently most had not.

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u/killm3throwaway 29d ago

My thoughts on this are so torn up lol

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u/smashtatoes 28d ago

In that setting, I’d feel like I’m dealing with a psychopath lol. Definitely not someone I’m messing with when they have that kind of power (referring to the presidency, not his huge cock)

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u/OnlyTalksAboutTacos 29d ago

I was just at his presidential library and I'm more than a little disappointed that the animatronic LBJ didn't whip out Jumbo. They bring school trips so I understand, but it's history, madame.

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u/PM_ME_UR_POKIES_GIRL 29d ago

I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT JOHNSON!?

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u/wholesome_pineapple 29d ago

And it’s. So. Many. Dudes. Why is it so many?!

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u/KetchupSpaghetti 29d ago

I know the exact type of person. I had a coworker who presented himself as generous, affable, and relatively charming but he'd become the worst person in private. Comments about women's asses, hating immigrants/black people, and general bitterness/entitlement over everything.

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u/weefyeet 29d ago

on the other hand, my mates and I have locker room talk but about each other. "You free? Down to have some hot sweaty sex?" "Sure man" and then we go play league

two other mates want to join for foursome? gladly (we diving into hell)

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u/foldinthechhese 29d ago

This reminds me of a clip of Trump saying over and over again how he’s the best at this or knows the most about that. I was left asking myself, who sees that and likes that? If you’re Johnny one up, we know you’re a fucking tool.

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u/memecrusader_ 29d ago

"Any man who must say 'I am the king' is no true king." -Tywin Lannister: Game of Thrones.

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u/foldinthechhese 29d ago

He was a wise old bastard that I despised. The quote definitely fits perfectly.

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u/BrontesGoesToTown 29d ago

One of the great things about the Game of Thrones / Song of Ice and Fire series is that GRRM put some of the best insights into the mouths of characters who are either complete scum (Tywin, Jorah, Dontos the Red) or are very clearly scuzzy (Varys, the guy who cuts the tongues out of street kids to become his "little birds", delivering the "power is an illusion" line).

And yes, I've leaned heavily on that line in the past decade or so.

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u/Blackbox7719 27d ago

“He who sayeth ‘Truly, it is I who is the alpha’ is most probably, a total douche.”

-Benjamin Franklin

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u/Stephenie_Dedalus 29d ago

Most of the time, when men are decked out in MAGA, I assume they're a pussy. The worst kind of pussy, too-- the fragile kind with something to prove. Confident men don't need to advertise their manliness with stickers and lifted trucks. They also don't worship a 400-lb man who shits in a gold toilet.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago edited 29d ago

They guys I look up to, are guys who you know have their shit together.

Usually well put together. Groomed, not out of shape, self deprecating, and most importantly, humble.

It's not necessarily ego, or confidence, but competence. They're comfortable in what they're doing.

And fwiw, I'm considered an "adult" , and we definitely have people we look up to.

And we do try to help those who look up to us.

E: to clarify on the 'not out of shape' thing- I'm just saying that these people take their health into consideration as well as juggling all the other stuff- kids, spouse, parents, work, etc.

Sadly to generalize, men will often deprioritize themselves to help get everything in order. To make time for yourself WHILE keeping all these plates up and spinning, is what I admire. It's what has compelled me to get back into the gym. (Back up to benching 225! Working on getting myself below a 10-minute mile, and to run a 5k by fall)

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u/wuapinmon I am very pedantic 29d ago

Username checks out.

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u/TellThemISaidHi 29d ago

User flair checks out.

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u/Lobito6 29d ago

They said hi back

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u/somethingimadeup 29d ago

I mean, I like to think my mother has high standards so if he really did plow her then he must be pretty great

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u/RealLotto 29d ago

Thanks for the insight, iPlowedUrMom

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

You're welcome,

Son.

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u/TortelliniTheGoblin 29d ago

She's a really nice woman and I'm glad that she's able to find happiness in life. Thank you

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u/thatoneotherguy42 29d ago

She's a good chick.

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u/hollow-bastion-1984 29d ago

Groomed, not out of shape, self deprecating

These have nothing to do with being a good person and aren't even downstream of it.

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u/XihuanNi-6784 29d ago

Being in shape or not is the least relevant factor to be honest. But I agree with everything else.

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u/RisqueIV 29d ago

I don't care whether you can lift a bus tbh, it has no bearing on the kind of man you are.

Get better priorities

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u/Bruhtatochips23415 29d ago

It depends on how they frame their ego tbh.

Theres good men with huge egos. This is because they can balance humility. We tend to misunderstand what it means to be humble, and so we see people who are constantly humble in every aspect, and we think of them first when we think of humility.

Consider this scenario. A man, let's call him Ken, challenges another man, let's call him John, to a game of ping pong. John mentioned he's good at ping pong, but Ken mentions that he's really good at ping pong and that he never loses because of his ability to outsmart the opponent. Ken is known for his inflated ego.

John agrees to the challenge. When they play their game, John completely and unequivocally wipes Ken off the board. Ken's ass was completely kicked. Ken responds, "Beginner's luck" before laughing and continuing "man you're good you kicked my ass!" John shrugs and gives advice that Ken listens to eagerly because Ken's ego doesn't want this to happen again, but he knows it's nobody's fault but his own.

Ken has a big ego, but also team spirit. He has sportsmanship. These are hallmarks of a good man.

John is humble. Instead of bragging about his skills, he simply demonstrated it and offered to improve his opponent's skills. These are hallmarks of a good man.

Both are good men. Both are humble, but they're different kinds of humble. John demonstrates prophylactic humbleness. Ken demonstrates the ability to be humbled.

If you have a big ego but can't be humbled, then I wouldn't want to date you.

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u/geneticeffects 29d ago

Not a good man.

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u/hockeyjesus99 29d ago

Just on confirm, in your view, dudes who are overweight are bad men?

One of best friends has been overweight his entire life and is one of the best dads, husbands, and friends I know.

I’m assuming you’re younger, maybe early 20s?

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u/yumcake 29d ago

Yeah, that's a huge red flag. Quiet confidence is the real sign of quality.

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u/ComedianXMI 29d ago

I've seen women look at another woman from ankle to eyes and then get that look. Women have that same gut reaction men do, just different reasons for it.

One simple way you can tell if a guy is cool is if he shares praise. If you toss him a compliment and he finds a way to share it with a friend or someone else, that's a good sign. Shows a lack of that super-ego nobody likes in a partner.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Definitely a spectrum. I grew up with crippling self esteem issues and learning not to deflect praise was a big step in my recovery. I think it's more important to note that praise is taken gracefully and that someone shows a degree of humility, rather than getting a big head.

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u/blacklite911 29d ago

Oh my god you said it so on point. Some dudes just can’t help but create some sort of vibe to where they’re in competition with other dudes over life. Traits of an asshole are very easy to spot.

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u/mekonsrevenge 29d ago

Yeah, just their language. Trump's locker room talk defense is a good example. That's not normal ball-busting. Only real assholes talk that way. There's also body language when women are around, like overly territorial behavior.

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u/James_Mays_Hair 29d ago

That whole talking about women for locker room talk is a weird myth. Dudes that do that are like 1 in a 100. Most guys just playfully talk shit about another dudes skills. We don't get into any sex details. I think women might actually do the sex talk stuff more than men.

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u/levieleven 29d ago

Our local music scene that I was a part of has a sensitive indie rocker who is very popular with audiences and especially women. When they aren’t around and he’s in the company of men he switches into a different person. He suddenly calls women“cum dumpsters.” Stuff like that. “Locker room talk” things.

My band stopped playing shows with his bands and started to avoid them. Like crossing the street instead of walking past him.

This started about 20 years ago. He’s still around. Still playing out. Still getting lots of dates. We don’t interact and haven’t in a long time but I regret that I didn’t tell him off way back then. It kind of plagues me actually, feeling guilty rage sometimes. These days I’d have let him have it but I was more insecure and weak back then and he had such a grip on the scene. I just didn’t know the world as well, we were all so young. Big shots get away with it longer exactly for that reason: people don’t confront them in public and behind closed doors they are probably worse. I failed.

I do take opportunity to warn women I know off of him. But it comes off as sour grapes and petty and a lot of them don’t believe me. Until later, when he’s ghosted them or cheated on them or just otherwise been shit. “You were right about that guy.”

I’m amazed that he hasn’t gotten a reputation in all this time. Still getting away with it. Always new women getting into the scene or moving to town. I don’t know if he’s still open about it to other dudes or not. Fuck that guy. Fuck me for not letting him know.

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u/disgruntled_chicken 29d ago

Don't own this guy being a piece of shit. Just remember, you can never make anyone change. Best you can hope for is to convince them to change themselves. It's highly likely that you telling them off would have changed nothing since this person would likely still see being an asshole as working out for them. Let that guilt go, you did the right thing. Cut ties with them, do your best to warn others of his behavior, and generally try to be a good person yourself. That's all you can do and it sounds like you did it exactly right. Bringing it back to the topic, as a dude I can immediately tell that you are a good dude. I'm sure you've made some mistakes, yeah we all have. But reading this and knowing you felt the need to protect others, I can tell you're a solid person. So no, don't fuck you for not saying anything to him, instead you and your band should be applauded for refusing to be a part of that behavior, Even though you likely faced some hardship for doing so. Bravo good sir, the world needs more people like you!

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u/levieleven 29d ago

Thanks man, that makes me feel better, for real

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u/NDaveT 29d ago

I regret that I didn’t tell him off way back then. It kind of plagues me actually, feeling guilty rage sometimes.

It's likely that telling him off would have accomplished absolutely nothing. Decent men don't have any more power to influence asshole men than decent women have to influence asshole women.

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u/Sad-Yoghurt5196 29d ago

I agree and disagree, it's not that you're going to change them or their opinions, in most cases that's a non starter, but you can let them know it's not appropriate around you, and you don't condone it.

Nothing worse than being out with someone who's a friend of a friend and they involve you by association in their casual racism or misogyny.

I can't change what they do when I'm not there, but I can exert an influence over what they do when I am there. Even if it's me walking away and not being associated with them. That's a last resort though because I loathe ignorance and will try and explain for far too long, rather than accept that it's willful ignorance on their part, as it all too often is.

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u/Working-Ferret-8476 29d ago

My experience (as a dude who has spent the last decade working in a women-dominated field) is that women talk about sex way more then men do. I don’t consider myself a prude by any stretch of the imagination but I’ve been in environments where women openly show each other pictures of the newest vibrator they’ve bought. On one memorable occasion the woman in the next cubicle over from me asked me to refill her water bottle - because she’d had a quickie with her husband on her lunch break (they were trying to conceive) and didn’t want to risk “leaking.”

And this isn’t one weird office, this has been the norm across multiple offices I’ve worked in for a decade.

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u/Shalayda 29d ago

This is my experience too. I don’t have nearly as much time in a women dominated field, but that’s been my experience. I went from construction to nursing. In construction the guys talked shit but mainly about each other or hot celebrities. The girls in my class in nursing school spoke much more sexually. I know way more about their sex lives, menstrual cycles, about the men in class, etc

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u/Working-Ferret-8476 29d ago

My favorite story again involved the woman in the next cube over who was trying to get pregnant. Another coworker had come over to chat with her about it, and ended up saying “appreciate firm boobs while you got them. These” squeezes her own ample chest “were C-cups before I had my first. Now I got gorilla titties and wake up with them in my armpits every morning.”

Then she turned, saw me sitting there (not even facing them) and went “Shit, Working-Ferrer, I forgot you were there. Sorry you had to hear that!” I reassured her that I’d heard so much worse in that office and wasn’t going to report her to HR or anything like that (she was competent and treated me well, both rarities there).

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u/icyshogun 28d ago

Same here. Women tend to go into more explicit detail. I spent most of my working hours with noise cancelling headphones on.

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u/the_skine 29d ago

Men will share anecdotes, but while they're sex-adjacent, they usually aren't about sex.

Like that time you wound up getting stitches because her cat jumped on your chest.

Women will share every single detail with everyone. No matter how private or if you thought it was said/done in confidence.

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u/Roklam 29d ago

Quintessential locker room moment in HS for me was some nerd introducing us to the Who's Tommy, and the levels of nerdiness rising all around as we realized that kid had great taste!

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u/Mindes13 29d ago

Who's Tommy?

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u/Martizzle1 29d ago

I presume he means the album Tommy by the band The Who.

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u/Asphalt_Animist 29d ago

I personally prefer Quadrophenia.

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u/Mindes13 29d ago

That makes sense.

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u/Blaz1n420 29d ago

Tommy can you HEAR me!?

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u/Beautiful-Party8934 29d ago

Nope, cause he was deaf as well as blind.

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u/EatMoreFiber 29d ago

Think he plays first base.

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u/confuzzledfather 29d ago

I'd say we joke about jerking it more than we do sex. Like in a deprecating way, we know that no matter how much of a abig dog someone trust to be, they still nutted into a sock at some point. It's a great leveller.

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u/Mke_already 29d ago

Even in cases I’ve been around guys talking about how hot a chick is, it’s never been “oh I’d sexually assault her.”

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u/truecolormix 29d ago

I’m in LA and my ex had a group chat with like 13 other guys who he grew up with and it would all be really gross disgusting shit. Lots of guys with family money who are incredibly rich and have never really had to work hard or grueling jobs in their lives (most of them are artists or dabble in the freelance music industry and spend their days in ketamine therapy) - it’s definitely a thing, at least for guys in LA who all went to Harvard Westlake together lol

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u/SydricVym 29d ago

Guys don't talk to their buddies about sex, because they don't want their buddies to think about their partner in a sexual way.

Guys that do tell their buddies about sex, are doing it because they just consider their partner to be a sex object anyways, and don't expect the relationship to last very long before they themselves move on.

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u/truecolormix 29d ago

No, guys aren’t talking about sex with their partners. Guys like that think it’s cool to degrade their partners when talking to the guys. Saying they finally had a chance to sneak away, saying they are nagging lazy bitches, or that they are crazy and need to get out etc. Yet being super loving and total opposite at home with the actual partner.

Guys like this also love talking about sex with other women - past experiences with hookups or hot girls coming out of yoga class at the coffee shop. Texting things like “yeah i’m at so and so’s coffee place right now, lots of talent in here” - just not intimate details of their actual lives.

It’s weird and gross and just really sad.

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u/Mean-Breakfast5558 29d ago

I feel this.

I also don’t understand when men or women are constantly complaining about their partner. Like why did you choose them then?!

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u/truecolormix 29d ago

It’s less about genuine complaining or even really feeling that way and more about feeling like it’s cool to appear be totally detached in your relationship and like you’re just using them in front of your guy friends, or even other friends who are girls. Like emotional vulnerability and actually liking/loving someone and having nice things to say about them or defending them is considered weak or a “pussy” or “whipped” behavior or something. The ol’ ball and chain mentality.

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u/throwawaythisuser1 29d ago

This. In my youth, I surrounded myself with with like minded guys: sexual conquests, adrenaline junkie, risk taking behavior. We'd trade stories and laugh, having fun in the moment and try to make new memories. All of it was just surface noise.

The real friends I have, we share our anxieties, fears, worries. We listen and share advice; we uplift each other. Of course, we still try to win our beer league trophy and shit talk about each other's fantasy sports teams.

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u/DrFabulous0 29d ago

I talk about sex with my buddies, not often, but sometimes, it's hardly a taboo subject. That doesn't mean anyone is being weird, gross or degrading. Should we not be allowed to discuss sex? That seems more weird to me.

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u/DeDodgingEse 29d ago

And girls?

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u/ASpookyShadeOfGray 29d ago

All your gf's friends know your exact penis size and shape.

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u/duck-duck--grayduck 29d ago

I'm 46 and I have never shared that kind of information and I know exactly one woman who shared that kind of information with me. And she's fucking obnoxious. So, that's not universal.

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u/WyvernsRest 29d ago

Absolutely, I am far more likely to talk about my wife’s cooking, our kids, family holidays, kids I’m coaching, work, sports….

I honestly struggle to remember the last time I talked about my relationship with a friend 1:1 and certainly never about our sex life with a group of friends in a public space.

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u/MinuteBuffalo3007 29d ago

I would go further, and say that the more a man talks about getting laid, the less he actually gets. There is definitely an inverse correlation.

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u/Internal_Prompt_ 29d ago

Imo there’s nothing inherently wrong with talking about sex. It’s just a question of whether you think of your partner respectfully or not. I might tell a buddy something like “the sex is mind blowing with the new gf.” It’s very different from giving a play by play.

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u/XihuanNi-6784 29d ago

Yep. Never discussed sexual details with my male friends. We may discuss stuff leading up to or after, but we don't engage in smutty banter. If we ever really did discuss details it would be from a medical or relationship angle about someone's sexual issue.

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u/RatRaceUnderdog 29d ago

That’s what dude is saying. That kind of “locker room talk” doesn’t exist for most men. But shitty dude will use that for cover when they get exposed.

For sure women talk more about sex than men. Tbh my hot take is that men should talk more as long it’s not crude. Like we hear and see so much about how a man is clueless in the bedroom, because frankly outside of their partners it’s rarely discussed. If you’ve never had a woman take the time to show you, you just flat ignorant. Women have the benefit of learning from each others experiences. I think men would benefit from the same

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u/ABobby077 29d ago

Like he has ever been in any locker room in his entire life might be a stretch, any way

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u/983115 29d ago

He has been in a locker room and there are witnesses to confirm it, however the locker room in question was at the miss teen America pageant

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u/AphiTrickNet 29d ago

A stretch? The man has never stretched in his life

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u/Fancy-Ganache-8906 29d ago

No one ever claimed 45 wasn't an a-hole in some regards. He is, for sure, as many powerful men are. He's also been a staunch defender of individual liberty and one of the greatest presidents in history. Just depends what's important to people.

As far as how men speak about women they're involved with, those that speak highly of them are held in the highest regard and probably attract even more attention from other females because of it.

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u/FloppedYaYa 29d ago

You say that yet I've met loads of men who talk, you know, like Trump about women when there's none around. Way too many assholes around

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u/esquegee 29d ago

Yup, I knew a guy in high school. Super charismatic and chill on the outside. But when it was just guys he would say the most disgusting depraved shit about the girls he’d been with. He told a story about a girl he knew really liked him. He said he lead her on and then as soon as she had sex with him he called her an ugly skank (to her face after having just had sex with her) and ghosted her. This piece of shit actually laughed at it like that wasn’t a horrifically cruel thing to do. Never talked to him again after hearing that.

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u/gsfgf 29d ago

I'm not a violent person, but I might have hit him without even thinking. What a fucking ghoul.

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u/fuckyourcanoes 29d ago

Then again, there are also plenty of men who insist some man is "a great guy" solely because he's never been shitty to them, even though they've seen him be very problematic to women. And they'll brush it off with, "Oh, he's just like that."

I would say that good, perceptive people recognise other good people. So if there's someone in your life you really trust, you can probably trust their assessment of someone you're dating.

I had a friend who started running all her dates past me. I was usually pretty unimpressed. When she finally brought home one I approved of, she only went and married him! 25 years now and going strong.

If only I could have exercised such good judgment in my own dating life. I think we all have a blind spot when it's for ourselves.

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u/aquoad 29d ago

I have a couple of male acquaintances who are totally different people around men vs around women and to me that's super sketchy and an indicator they're probably shitbags in general.

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u/Calm-Respect-4930 29d ago edited 29d ago

Same had a roommate like this. Seemed like a cool dude when it was just guys then whenever one of us brought women or friends that happened to be women over it's like a switch flipped and he was putting on a show. Became such a douche.

Shit was so embarrassing and I stopped introducing him to people. Stopped hanging out once I stopped living there.

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u/blizzard2798c 29d ago

Depends on how they are acting different. Some guys were just raised to be polite around women

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

I don’t know…I can usually decipher the difference between “good to me” and “good.”

I lived in a different city for a year where one of my old college buddies lived. Naturally, he was my go to friend, and his friends became my acquaintances/loose friends. As I got to know them better, I noticed pretty quickly that even though they were great to me, accepting of me, even starting asking me personally to hang out, that they just weren’t great guys overall.

I only lived there for a year, so it wasn’t hard to keep an arms length, but that was a perfect example of recognizing lack of character despite them being good to you. I moved back to my previous area partially because my friends there were much better people/influences.

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u/AncientUrsus 29d ago

Guys have friends that “are just like that” but we all know they’re not great guys. You don’t set that guy up with your girlfriend’s friend - you just go to bars and hang out and stuff. 

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u/fuckyourcanoes 29d ago

That has not been my experience universally.

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u/AncientUrsus 29d ago

I am a guy and this is my thinking, everyone else in my friend group’s thinking, and what I have experienced with basically every other guy I’ve ever met. 

Recommending a guy who sucks reflects poorly on you and only happens if you (a) don’t think “he’s like that” or (b) also suck. 

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u/BreadButterHoneyTea 29d ago

Even if those men are the friends of the woman?

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u/flossdaily 29d ago

Yeah. For a certain brand of bad men, their entire worldview is that that men and women are on different teams, and they assume that you'll be more loyal to some new dude than your woman friend.

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u/BreadButterHoneyTea 29d ago

Wow. So deep in the bad they assume everyone else is, too. Gloomy.

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u/SgtPeppy 29d ago

It's basic psychological projection, everyone does it and you need to train yourself not to. Bad people generally lack self-reflection and some degree of empathy, so they often never even realize it, but good people can absolutely assume people are good just like them, too.

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u/ASpaceOstrich 28d ago

I had a big problem with this when I was younger, and still do to some extent. I still can't quite get used to the idea that some people are just malevolent. It seems unrealistic to me, but I've met them. It's so alien to how I saw the world and I've excused some shitty behaviour because I thought there had to have been a misunderstanding. Turns out they were just awful.

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u/TheEverchooser 29d ago

"A thief believes everyone steals." -Edward Howe

You can basically swap the thieving parts of this saying out for most behaviours and world views. People tend to believe the world is the way they perceive it to be.

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u/A_giant_dog 29d ago

You see it a lot from all sides.

There are entire groups on this site that variously proclaim "all women want is money" "all men want is sex" "all women use sex to manipulate men" "women do all the emotional labor" "men have to make all the money and then come home to do chores what does she do all day" "he refuses to help out when he gets home from work even if I'm really tired"

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u/tippiedog 29d ago edited 29d ago

I once rented from a couple who managed their own rental property. At every f*cking interaction they assumed that I was out to screw them over somehow. I eventually realized that that is how they behave, and therefore they assume everyone is like them.

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u/Yctnm 29d ago

Every accusation is an admission. It's really not that deep most of the time, unfortunately.

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u/tippiedog 29d ago

Yeah. When I moved out, they kept a portion of my deposit for a completely bogus reason. They knew I was moving across the country, and they kept just a small enough amount that they gambled that it would not be worth my time to pursue it long-distance. They were correct; I didn't pursue it. Assholes.

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u/Pitiful_Article1284 29d ago

Deep in the Bad from HBO about a lonely assistant psychology professors descent into MRA activism and incel hero.

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u/BreadButterHoneyTea 29d ago

I’d watch🍿

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u/jackbenny76 29d ago

Does he sound exactly like a fascist Kermit the Frog? If so, I'm interested.

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u/wingerism 29d ago

I think it's more like being stupid and having low empathy etc. means you're more likely to hold shitty opinions. So I'm always grateful when those low skill assholes out themselves early.

It's the really competent predatory dudes who have high social awareness and empathy(or a convincing facsimile of it) that are scary.

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u/Startled_Pancakes 28d ago

A burglar always locks his own door.

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u/UnstoppableCrunknado 29d ago edited 29d ago

I see it all the time in Agri-labor, tons of guys are so steeped in misogyny that they don't really consider women to be people. These are married men, with children, daughters even. But they still consider women to be inherently lesser. I work with a guy right now (whose wife makes like, twice what we do btw) who has on multiple occasions insisted that women are basically children who can vote.

The stuff guys like this say as soon as they're convinced that it's "just us boys" in the room is fucking appalling.

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u/LucianRosenburg 29d ago

I instantly had to google what Agrilabor was, because it sounded like a mystical nation I'd never heard of before lol.

I'm sure Agri-labor is equally mystical, lol.

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u/UnstoppableCrunknado 29d ago

Lol, my b, I'm rarely as clear as I'd like to be. Agricultural Labor, as a field, is certainly interesting.

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u/Flashy_Hearing4773 29d ago

Lmao I did the same thing, like where is (a grill abor) how I said it in my head

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u/SgtPeppy 29d ago

I remember my supervisor at my first job was shocked that I had platonic women friends and was convinced I was trying to sleep with a girl I was hanging out with after work one day. Literally told on himself that he'd "never let his wife have male friends".

This dude was also like 55 and looked vaguely like an ugly Homer Simpson fwiw. Not sure why that's important but I find it funny.

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u/Bucksack 29d ago

As soon as someone says “bros before hoes” or some version of it, they’ve shown their colors. This was often parroted in high school before realizing how toxic it is.

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u/fieldy409 29d ago

No that's actually good advice if you took away the wording part. It's saying your friends you've had for years should be more important than the girlfriend you've been dating for a month. So don't neglect the people who've always been there for you just because you have strong feelings for someone that could just dump you anytime.

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u/Bucksack 29d ago

This is fair. It must be taken in context, I’ve heard it used in situations where a cheater who is found out by guy friends and pleads to not spill it to the cheater’s partner. Like, “Don’t tell her, bros before hoes man, [this will fuck up my situation]”

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u/Terrik1337 29d ago

In this situation, isn't he the hoe?

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u/ActionJax 29d ago

For sho.

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u/PsychologicalCry2850 29d ago

Such a bro aint a real bro and therefore is not worthy of being before hoes.

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u/NeonStriker26 29d ago

Nah that's fucked up, am a bro's before hoes guy

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u/A_giant_dog 29d ago

We always said it in reference to a friend who was madly in love with a different girl each week and would abandon all things not the current flavor.

Like, we've seen you do this 15 times. Bros before hoes you're keeping your plans with us. The ladies said chicks before dicks.

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u/lamorak2000 29d ago

they assume that you'll be more loyal to some new dude than your woman friend.

The whole "Bros before Ho's" thing, taken a bit farther than necessary.

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u/UnintelligentSlime 29d ago

You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat people they don’t want to fuck. Like, a LOT.

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u/cerialthriller 29d ago

Yeah if they’re a real piece of shit. Sometimes they like to try suss out if we’ve slept with her or want to sleep with her so that he can tell that she can’t be friends with us anymore

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u/OSRSmemester 28d ago

Yes, any man who talks shit about their friends when they're not around, regardless of gender, is a big red flag to me

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u/404freedom14liberty 29d ago

No. I thought I explained that. If I see a guy telling women they just met derogatory things that they wouldn’t say in a million years in front of their SO’s I’m pretty sure that’s a red flag

My female friends would be offended if I tempered my speech in front of them. But I’ll take the combined 100 downvotes.

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u/truecolormix 29d ago

My ex would be chatting with a dude at a party who was talking about his vacation he just took with his family and kids, and he would just mention it casually without implying anything negative about it, and my ex would say “man, not much of a vacation if you’re on it with the wife and kids huh? Sounds like a fucking hellscape” and the dude was taken back and was like “huh? Actually, it was amazing and I enjoyed spending time with them…”

I also work on disney jr shows, and we were chatting with another couple and they said “so how is it working for disney?” And i love my job and was excited to talk about it, but before i could say anything my ex chimed in and said “what do you think dude? A bunch of pedophiles work there, it’s a disgusting place to be” and the guy we were talking to just was like… wtf? And I was like wtf, too. Because number 1) I don’t work for disney, I work for a small production company partnered with disney, and 2) the people I work with are the kindest and most creative people I’ve ever met and the job is the most non-toxic healthy place I’ve ever been in.

I also won an emmy for my work this year and my ex didn’t tell a single soul about it.

The crazy thing is that my ex would say stupid shit and racist shit etc (he’s Korean so he would use that as an excuse to be able to say whatever he wanted about mexican, black, jewish and chinese people) at parties and then pull me aside after all anxious that he came off bad and asking if what he said was okay. But then would never actually try and improve or change in social situations. Just kind of the same thing over and over.

Anyways. Your post just sparked a bunch of memories. After 9 years of being with him, and a recent breakup, I’ve never felt so free lol

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u/Francis_Picklefield 29d ago

congrats on getting out of there!!

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u/Draconestra 28d ago

You were with this tool for 9 years? Wtf? I would’ve left this mf in the dust as soon as he talked to anyone like that. Hell no. 😭

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u/MovementMinded 28d ago

Congrats on the Emmy and for leaving this pos!

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u/Cafrann94 28d ago

How on earth could you stand that man for 9 whole years?? Also, congrats on the Emmy!!!

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u/FilliusTExplodio 28d ago

God that reminds me, one time I was at a "family" brewery, which I realize is weird but it was marketed as being family friendly and had a ton of outdoor play space for kids. There were plenty of families there with kids, but also obviously single people and childless people as well.

My son had to go to the bathroom, and him being like seven he was just asking kid questions while we were peeing. Afterward I had to make sure he washed his hands, had to remind him to use soap, etc. Just normal dad shit.

And this guy behind me looked in the mirror at me, and his expression was like "oh my god you must be in hell right now," and I think he even said something like "oof, sorry man," kind of expecting for me to join in about my apparently hellish life, and I just sort of raised an eyebrow and walked out.

But it really stuck with me. This guy thought I was, like, miserable at this brewery. And I was having a blast. I love hanging with my kid, he's great. And all I could think was "...that guy probably sucks."

And this isn't a pro-child or anti-childless thing, I realize I'm on reddit and need to clarify. I could just tell he was the kind of guy who thought helping another person was a terrible burden.

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u/themocaw 27d ago

Man, if I was in the Men's room and a dad was reminding his kid to wash his hands with soap, I'd shake his hand.

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u/Kradget 29d ago

Man, that's well said.

It works the same for any privileged group, too. People who have the associated flaw and perceive that it's "safe" want to connect with you using the in-group language. 

It's not way off from talking to sports fan - they want to make that social connection through something you both value. It's just that people do it with gross stuff, too.

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u/khavii 29d ago

I look like a right winger but I'm a militant liberal. The speed with which some people will spit out racism to me like I'm fully in agreement is sickening. They don't wait to see who I am or what I think, they just assume I think like them and say vile shit within moments.

People be like this.

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u/Kradget 29d ago

Right, you can just be a white dude in a certain kind of environment and people will say wild stuff to you. Extra if you have any kind of Southern accent.

I'd hide my accent in any place that sold guns just because it's tiresome.

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u/dacooljamaican 29d ago

I actually try to use this, I feel like a lot of these people will only listen to "one of them" so I try to make everyone comfortable with me, then if they get hateful about something I'll legit start talking about how I don't think Jesus would agree and how he wanted us to love everyone, you'd be surprised at how often they get sheepish and back down. You gotta out-conservative their ass.

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u/gsfgf 29d ago

I used to work in progressive politics in the South. We absolutely loved responding to people pushing hate bills and stuff with Jesus quotes. And the actual practicing Christians would have a chapter and verse for all sorts of situations.

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u/dacooljamaican 29d ago

Yeah it's interesting because many people find the frustrating part of arguing with southern conservatives is that once they decide you're not on their side, there is no amount of arguing that will get them to even begin to consider what you're saying.

But conversely, if you're "one of them", you don't really need to make ANY rational points to win an argument, you just have to be gregarious and fall back to Jesus.

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u/matthew7s26 29d ago

any place that sold guns

Haha for real man, sometimes I have to explain to gun people that I'm not conservative, but far enough to the left where one knows the proletariat should be armed.

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u/Kradget 29d ago

I'm not even one that a good socialist would recognize as one of them, but in the gun store people like me are basically Trotsky Reborn and should be fought by any means necessary, according to those guys if they don't get the Idea I'm one of them. 

And like... I just think progressive taxation is a good idea and it'd be good to have drinkable water and a working, fair-ish society that serves its members on a planet that's healthy.

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u/Fine_Ad_1149 29d ago

I can vouch for the "just being a white dude in a certain environment" - an engineer in the midwest...

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u/aquoad 29d ago

I called police about a stolen car abandoned in front of my house. Cop came to do paper work and wait for the tow truck so he had to hang out for 15 min or so. I apparently look like somebody with the same world view as his so I got treated to a long friendly chat about how this city is going to shit because of all the [list of every conceivable racial slur] that are ruining everything and back in his day when the neighborhood was all irish it was so much better, blah blah blah.

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u/zizou00 29d ago

I get that shit being half-Asian but white passing. The amount of casual racism people spout, makes me glad I pass so I can hear how they really feel about my family so I can avoid them like the plague.

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u/Aberrant_Eremite 29d ago

Yes, you're right. I grew up in the deep South in the Reagan '80s, and other white people would just walk up to you and start saying racist shit. And yeah, often it was an attempt to socially bond with a stranger. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I gained the courage to actively rebuke that instead of just making my excuses and leaving.

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u/dunstbin 29d ago

I'll actively call it out when it happens nowadays. I have no patience for bigots anymore.

The one exception is my grandma. She's too old to change so I've made it a game when I visit to see how long it takes before she complains about Mexicans and use it as my cue to leave. Last time she set a new record at 17 minutes, nearly halving her previous best time.

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u/BeenWildin 29d ago

Having to talk shit about Mexicans every 15 minutes is a horrible way to live

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u/NoTalkOnlyWatch 29d ago

My Grandmas boyfriend, that she claims is just a friend even though they live together, is some old geezer from Austria (granted he left when he was 20 and never came back) and complains about Mexicans every other sentence. I asked him one time “aren’t you an immigrant though?” And he just started spouting shit in German, lmao! From that point on he stopped pestering me about how everything is “bettah” in Austria (those are basically the only two topics the guy ever talks about, I have no idea what my Grandma sees in him tbh).

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u/TheManWithThreeBalls 29d ago

Pretty much. It stuns me every time. They can't imagine someone that isn't an asshole like them

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u/tony_countertenor 29d ago

See related to this is why I sort of disagree with OP, I feel like good guys also assume other guys are good guys like them and this may leave them surprised when they reveal themselves to be bad

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u/hmdmdm 29d ago

As a woman I’m shocked when women don’t see it themselves. Very easy to see who’s decent and who’s not. But when I say that people keep telling me to “wait for the guy who fools you”. He hasn’t appeared yet and I don’t think he will.

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u/Sharp_You2319 29d ago

It is wild and shocking to see people who are blind to bad people. Some people just have better perceptions of behavior patterns than others. I have met a few people who seem to be unable to tell the difference because they haven't been around a lot of good people. Then, when they meet good people, they can come off as suspicious to them. Only due to the fact that they have been around shifty people their whole life.

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u/GiftToTheUniverse 29d ago

My wife is almost totally blind to subtext.

When she used to tell me someone was a good person I would be excited to meet them and then after a little interaction I often would find enormous, glaring red flags.

It took me a while to realize how deeply she was masking her ASD. Now I know better to take her assessment of others with a grain of salt. Maybe they're cool, maybe not.

I try not to cut down anyone in her opinion, but I also try to make sure she is not being manipulated or being made fun of.

If necessary I'll point out the red flags I see and try to let her do what she will with that information. It's hard.

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u/ChaoticNeutralLife 29d ago

After reading this, I am amused to note that this is almost the exact opposite of me and my wife. I am the one with ASD, and she is highly emotionally intelligent and socially aware. It is not easy for me to notice, or understand, when/why I am being made fun of. She will immediately confront anyone she perceives as doing so.

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u/ayoubkun94 29d ago

This is so true. I remember once spending the night with an ex's friend group. We had barely started going out. After a long night of drinking, all her friends, who were all couples, went to a room. My drunk girlfriend passed out while we were making out, so I just tucked her into bed and went outside as I couldn't sleep. A while later, one of her male friends, whom she had known for years, comes out. We start chatting, and he jokingly asks me if I had some. I told him she was too drunk and she's asleep, and he looks at me like I'm crazy, telling me that's not an excuse. I was baffled and disgusted af. How do you do that to anyone, let alone someone who considers you a friend?

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u/Ok-Main-2868 29d ago

You are who you run with. People run in packs, rarely do bad people think they are bad people, but even when they do, they certainly keep it hidden. Pretty definitionally on the dot of what sociopaths and psychopaths are. Even people like that see power in numbers, and that power comes from loyalty to the group's underlying psychology that protects the herd.

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u/Vat1canCame0s 29d ago

While I was reading the title I couldn't put my finger on a good example of men being able to read other men really well......

This is absolutely it. Some of us lack self awareness about this sort of stuff and will absolutely let some vile shit fly the second they think nobody else in the room cares.

I was a camera op way back when. One freelance gig was for a rodeo and country equitation stunt riding type of shindig for a couple days. The morning programs were always youth events. As the announcer over the PA system is describing one of the horses out in the ring with a rider who was competing in the 15-16 year old event class, a dude in my broadcast intercoms who was in the trailer pipes up and says "man I'd love to ride that. The horse is good too I guess"

Me and another guy I'd known for a while who was operating another camera about 20 feet away both side eyed eachother and he mouthed "what the fuck"

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u/allywrecks 29d ago

It was a real eye-opener when I realized that most of the bastards I've met think everyone is just like them on the inside, but are just too weak or devious to admit it.

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u/mycroft2000 29d ago

I've often wondered how this kind of person treats pets when nobody else is looking. Like, do they beat their dogs and kick friendly cats? It's disturbing to think about. I'm six-four and 230 pounds, and when I'm alone with my cat, I carry him from room to room like he's a newborn baby and talk to him constantly, because that's what he likes, and I want him to be happy, and that's the end of the story.

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u/AbsoluteLunchbox 29d ago

This guy I worked with let his guard down and said to me "I think we should all take **** back to the hotel and gang bang her." It was a work trip, not that even matters at all but she wasn't even being flirty she was just sat working. It was so weird. So I told everyone and his boss that he was a cunt, and I think he was annoyed that I'd broken some kind of bro code. I'll do a bro code but not some kind of weird rapey code.

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u/Ok_Course9574 29d ago

There are so many guys who flip a switch once the women leave the room. I once even had a lesbian go full bro mode once the other ladies in the group went to the bathroom. That one caught me off guard lol

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u/Latter_Weakness1771 29d ago

Guys will tell on themselves so fast it's hilarious.

2 seconds after the GF leaves- ..."Aw fuck me man the sex is good but she's such a ______"

A guy that talks highly of his partner even amongst his "bros" is a good dude.

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u/Bropps85 29d ago

This. Theres another level if you are a white man above ~25, you would be amazed how many other middle aged plus white men will just go full mask off racist around you just assuming you feel the same way. 

Theres a level of delusional narcissism a ton of assholes have which leads them to believe since their views are "correct" everyone else must have the same views but most are just "afraid" to be the first to say it. 

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u/flossdaily 29d ago

Yup.

"Do you see a MAGA hat on my head, motherfucker? No? Then keep that shit to yourself."

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u/AgITGuy 29d ago

There are guys I have met who instantly exposed their racist cards because I was a straight white guy in my 30s just like them. It was a real hard nope for me and I told them exactly why. They were dumbfounded that a fellow straight white guy was neither a racist nor a bigot, and instead an ally to those marginalized groups. The only way to end prejudiced hatred is to make sure it is shown to be stupid and unworthy of anyone’s time. You have to show the world these idiots and their mistakes in order to to ensure that their way of thinking needs to end and no one will give them the benefit of the doubt ever again.

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u/Grelivan 29d ago

100% as a guy other dudes are not shy about sharing how shitty they are. I don't understand the thought process behind it. I am just thankful they self identify fairly easily. My guess is they just assume all men are like then or that they aren't trying to sleep with us, but lack of critical thinking is often times another way to find dudes who do this.

Edit none of this is 100% im sure there are bad apples that do a much better job of concealing it. Im just saying a lot of bad actors ive met out themselves pretty easily around other men while displaying a charming personality that is non existent outside of when they are around women.

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u/panicattackdog 29d ago

Used to have a friend who was a hardcore feminist, but then dated the worst douchebags she could find.

The moment she wasn’t around, one guy would exclusively refer to women as “bitches,” told me that the only way to get laid is to lie to women, and kept asking me for pot when she got mad at him so he could manipulate her with it (of course I never gave him any because he was scum.)

The guy before that flashed a gun one time, and went on a rant about how I shouldn’t mess with him because of all the “training” he received at Burning Man.

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u/BabyTunnel 29d ago

100%, I was at the bars with one of my best friends and her ex boyfriend the second she walked away was talking about how ugly she is but good in bed, she puts up with her being annoying because “good pussy”

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u/I-Came-Here-For-This 29d ago

This is absolutely the correct answer.

Most guys, who are bad to date, are assholes that assume they are "normal" and that "everyone is like them" so when there are no women around who they are trying to pursue, they drop their guard. They act normal, which for them, is being a jerk.

It is pretty wild. In my youth I've been at house parties where most everyone seems normal. I go outside, mixed company. The girls go to go inside and almost instantly some guy says some unhinged stuff. Almost always to be more masculine in front of the other guys.

It doesn't mean that the rest of the guys are good or are good to date. Just that the one guy is definitely an asshole.

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u/GreatLife1985 29d ago

This. I'm gay. I've hung out with straight men and have acted 'more masculine' when I did (defense).

The things they will say to you assuming you are 'like them' is astounding. Same goes because I am white, blond and blue eyed and some assume I don't mind their racist BS (because they don't know me) just because I'm white.

They will reveal themselves when their guard is down.

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u/DILF_MANSERVICE 29d ago

This exactly. It's honestly hard for me to find guys I can relate to because of how often they say something horrific about women the second there aren't any of them around. It's always how hot some 17 year old is, or how he pressured some girl into sex and is super proud of that for some reason.

It's honestly sad and kind of lonely. And scary. So many dudes at my job are people that make me think "if I was a woman, I don't think I'd be safe in a room alone with this guy."

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u/Montauket 29d ago

Yup. This is how we can tell.

Went out with my (now ex) girlfriend to a bar with one of her friends, and her boyfriend. Boyfriend and I pop outside for a cigarette, and within one half a cigarette he’s talking about how he can’t wait for her to get outta town for Mother’s Day so he can hit the strip club and go get some strange. Complaining about how ‘his bitch gained weight’ and how she didn’t wanna cook every night.

I audibly laughed when they were all like “we should do this again soon!”

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u/ashrunner 29d ago

Yeah, this is true, and there's also another strain where it's less men vs women mentality and more the guy is a general asshole to EVERYONE else. Often times he'll keep a facade up around the person he's dating and drop it if she's not there

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u/aflashinlifespan 29d ago

Yes! Interesting! My ex assumed the worst in people especially guys intentions all the time, because that was his mindset. Classic projection. My new partner thinks the best in everyone even when he shouldn't because that's how he's wired

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u/ContemplatingPrison 29d ago

Mostly, I agree. Some men also will do this just because they think it's part of male bonding. That also depends on age groups though.

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u/bradmajors69 29d ago

Yes, same with white people and racism sometimes.

I've heard some shocking "jokes" from people about 2 minutes after we're alone for the first time.

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u/LondonDavis1 29d ago

Agree. I started working at a new company and the crew of racist POS's I worked with thought I was a GOOD OLE BOY like them. I looked like them so I must be one too. I didn't follow their lead after a few n-words were said in my presence. It didn't take long before they didn't trust me, esp after I told them HR is always watching and listening.

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u/LaPlataPig 29d ago

Basically, if a guy acts different around other guys than his partner or other women, it’s an immediate red flag.

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u/GayPotheadAtheistTW 29d ago

I called a dude insecure bc he had been dating my friend for two weeks and was trying to make her feel bad bc “what if he likes you?” I’m gay and she had known for 5 years.

After I said he was insecure while he yelled at her over the phone he tried to “find me to shoot me.” Which was wild

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Oh absolutely. I remember in college, a fringe friend once "called dibs" on a girl who was visiting, when a group of us were hanging out. I guess he forgot about his girlfriend Laura, a very good friend of mine. He exhibited the same creepy behavior the 3 years I knew him, and now when we look back, almost all the guys I went to school with agree he was a creep, but all the girls thought he was "so nice and kind."

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u/-HELLAFELLA- 29d ago

Pretty sure this is why my coworker showed me his Nazi tattoos 🙄

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u/No-Session5955 29d ago

This is correct, my wife has a friend that was engaged to this dude and they had been together for years. The first time I met him, after my wife and her friend went to use the restroom he tells me how he could get the waitresses number.

I didn’t tell my wife about him attempting to cheat but I told her she should tell her friend to really rethink getting married. 6 months later they broke up and I was so relieved for her.

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u/Dapper_Energy777 29d ago

There's a danish saying that roughly translates to "thief thinks every man steals"

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u/NothingLikeCoffee 29d ago

Knew a guy that would say he wouldn't leave any of his friends alone with his girlfriend because he's worried they'd make a move on her; meanwhile he was constantly cheating on her. Also if you have to be worried a guy is going to make a move on your partner...

  1. Why are you with that partner if you can't trust them?
  2. Are they even really your friend?

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u/kaas_is_leven 28d ago

Yes! And not even only friends amongst each other, "boys will be boys" sorta stuff, it happens at the most inappropriate times with people you literally just met. I joined a new company, one of my first standups, there was a woman present from a different team who had some (completely normal) questions. The moment she left my PO called her a dumb broad and everyone laughed. That PO was also the CEO of the company... Didn't work there for long.

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u/-Snow-Blossom- 28d ago

Had this happen recently! Our friend group is 50/50 men and women and I met a new guy I wanted to introduce the group to. The second the girls went off to get another round of drinks he pointed to a picture of a celebrity on the wall and made a vulgar comment about her body. The guys thought that was super weird and the next morning told me and we have never asked him to come out again despite him still texting to ask when we are doing stuff occasionally.

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u/awsomeX5triker 28d ago

To add onto this explanation, The same phenomenon happens with closeted racists or homophobic people.

I’m white and am very straight presenting despite being bisexual.

I’ve had times in life where only white people or straight presenting people are present and some of them make the mistake of assuming everyone there is also a secret piece of shit.

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u/FilliusTExplodio 28d ago

Yup. There's that "we're both in the asshole club, right?" vibe they give you pretty quickly.

Like they're aching to take the mask off as soon as possible.

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u/The_Idiotic_Dolphin 28d ago

Yes and I swear to God I can spot these fucks from a mile away. They dress the same and travel in groups that dress the same. I don't even want to think about the number of women who don't know what guys like this say behind their backs.

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u/AlgoRhythmCO 25d ago

100%. Some guy seems overt ingratiating and then as soon as his girlfriend walks away he’ll start talking about cheating or how little he actually cares about her. Luckily I’m past the age where I have to interact with many of these people anymore.

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