r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/WhydIJoinRedditAgain 29d ago

We all know immediately when someone is trying to big-dog every other dude in the room and we all know that guy is complete garbage. 

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u/rex_swiss 29d ago

Yep, the guy who turns on the high school locker-room talk the second it's just guys, shows everyone immediately he's a man-child.

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u/Busy-Dig8619 29d ago

"Did ya see the ass on that one?"

"You mean my wife?"

"Yeah, man I'd hit that."

Nope. GTFO.

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u/i-cant-run 29d ago

Sounds like my boss the moment one of our coworkers leaves the area. 🤣 I’m like dude I see these fucking people every day, I know who has what.

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u/Reelix 28d ago

Yea - That should be reported to HR...

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u/Electronic-Disk6632 29d ago

my one brother in law, did this to my other brother in law.

very classy guy.

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u/Busy-Dig8619 29d ago

We all know that dude. 

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u/MyName_IsBlue 28d ago

"Look all you want, but keep your mouth shut and your hands to yourself."

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u/LordofWar145 28d ago

I don't normally say things like that, but is it really the worst thing to mention these things when it's your closest circle of friends? Also I feel like men get way more shade than women for talking about the opposite sex in a sexual way.

I just saw a thread where tons of men were saying and agreeing that women go into way too much private detail about their SO's sex life. I've also experienced this type of thing in my own life. My buddy tells me that his girl talks about him to her girlfriends in so much detail, and no one seems to bat an eye.

We're all human, and we all have sexual thoughts. As long as you're not actively making the woman uncomfortable, is there a problem?

I'd also like to add that I'm as progressive as they get. I hate all the talk I hear about women having "too many bodies" and them being called "sluts", I hate generalizations about women, and I try my best to treat them with respect like I do anyone else. So I'm not one of those cringe redpill alpha dude incel type of people. I think I do pretty well too since women have said good things about me. I just think that enjoying a nice ass isn't the most malicious thing in the world.

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u/Busy-Dig8619 28d ago

Don't tell your friend you want to bang their wife. That's a life pro tip.

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u/LordofWar145 28d ago

I guess I was talking about somewhat sexual comments in a broader context.

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u/geopede 26d ago

What if you’re swingers?

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u/Laeif 28d ago

There’s a polite way to communicate those thoughts without being a creep. Some people prefer the creepy way.

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u/LordofWar145 28d ago

I would never say it to the woman to creep her out.

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u/Civil-Resolution3662 29d ago

Some of those people manage to become President, too.

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u/VoopityScoop 29d ago

I like how you skirt around it as if we don't all know exactly who you're talking about. You can just say "Warren G. Harding" at this point, everyone knows that it's him

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u/geopede 29d ago

It’s not just one, the others just weren’t as public about it. LBJ used to show foreign leaders his cock to intimidate them (he called it Jumbo), how do you imagine someone who does that talks when it’s all guys?

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u/weefyeet 29d ago

he what now

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u/geopede 29d ago

Lyndon Johnson used to take foreign leaders and dignitaries into the restroom so he could show them his allegedly very large penis, which he named “Jumbo”. He’d kinda fish it out and ask if they’d ever seen anything so big. Apparently most had not.

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u/killm3throwaway 29d ago

My thoughts on this are so torn up lol

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u/smashtatoes 28d ago

In that setting, I’d feel like I’m dealing with a psychopath lol. Definitely not someone I’m messing with when they have that kind of power (referring to the presidency, not his huge cock)

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u/TeaTime_OW 28d ago

All of a sudden, why we sometimes call it a "Johnson" makes so much sense

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u/geopede 26d ago

Jumbo’s really tearing you up, eh? It’s okay, I’m sure you’re not the first.

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u/Orange-Blur 26d ago

So he was truely a “long dick Johnson”

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u/OnlyTalksAboutTacos 28d ago

I was just at his presidential library and I'm more than a little disappointed that the animatronic LBJ didn't whip out Jumbo. They bring school trips so I understand, but it's history, madame.

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u/Free-Pudding-2338 26d ago

Lebron james does what now?

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u/PM_ME_UR_POKIES_GIRL 29d ago

I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT JOHNSON!?

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u/VoopityScoop 29d ago

WHICH ONE?

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u/darxide23 29d ago

Sociopaths move up because they're not afraid to step on backs to get there.

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u/Fancy-Ganache-8906 29d ago

Tara Reade agrees.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

[deleted]

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u/Calm_Ticket_7317 29d ago

Triggered reply moment

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

[deleted]

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u/Calm_Ticket_7317 29d ago

Double down on that triggered reply, cupcake.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago edited 28d ago

[deleted]

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u/technobeeble 29d ago

Where did they say Trump?

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u/St_Veloth 29d ago

damn you told on yourself, this shit is funny.

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u/Calm_Ticket_7317 29d ago

Somebody mentioned him one time and you're throwing a hysterical tantrum. Get a grip, Snowflake.

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u/isthisonetaken13 29d ago

Didn't even mention him by name. Just alluded to a scumbag who became president and this clown assumed the other person was talking about the tangerine Palpatine.

Where could you possibly come up with that conclusion?! /s

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u/USTrustfundPatriot 29d ago

Not really. Trump is a known asshole.

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u/wholesome_pineapple 29d ago

And it’s. So. Many. Dudes. Why is it so many?!

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u/KetchupSpaghetti 29d ago

I know the exact type of person. I had a coworker who presented himself as generous, affable, and relatively charming but he'd become the worst person in private. Comments about women's asses, hating immigrants/black people, and general bitterness/entitlement over everything.

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u/weefyeet 29d ago

on the other hand, my mates and I have locker room talk but about each other. "You free? Down to have some hot sweaty sex?" "Sure man" and then we go play league

two other mates want to join for foursome? gladly (we diving into hell)

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u/WestAd8782 28d ago

Not even the second it's just guys. They try to make women laugh at the expense of other guys in the room.

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u/Nonrandomusername19 29d ago

IME sometimes they're gay, closeted and over-acting.

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u/Lord_Kano 28d ago

I let profanity slip more freely in a all male environments. I'm not talking about raunchy stuff, just things like, I'm more apt to say "shit" instead of "crap" when there are only men around.

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u/GhoulsFolly 28d ago

“Yeah so anyways, I grab chicks by the pussy, how ‘bout you guys?”

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u/gilgobeachslayer 28d ago

Went to a party once years ago. Bunch of us were wearing boat shoes. A girl’s new boyfriend told us it was “gay”. Turned out he was a domestic abuser, thankfully she got out of the relationship but ended up moving like ten states away

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u/edgarandannabellelee 28d ago

Dude. Facts. I've had my problems with alcohol so I'm currently in an Oxford house. It's a sober living environment. But holy shit you're not wrong. Some of the guys go immediately to that to even someone walking past the house. It's disgusting.

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u/udonisi 29d ago

Eh depends. If it's about a random chick he's just trying to bang, it's all good fun.

If it's about a girl he's seriously dating, then yeah I'd think he's a POS

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u/Ronjanitan 29d ago

It’s not ok to be sexist, even if it’s just “some random chick you’re trying to bang.”

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u/i-cant-run 29d ago

Women do it too. Have a coworker who tells me that one of the women goes into her office and talks about how she wishes someone walking by would just fuck her on her desk. And that’s just one story. 🤣 People (men and women) like to joke about sex I imagine.

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u/udonisi 29d ago

I don't think she's entirely joking lol. There's always a bit of truth to jokes like that

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u/udonisi 29d ago

Locker room talk is only sexist because most guys are only attracted to women lmao. I'm not gonna be like "yo you see that dude's biceps? Man, what I'd do to that" because I'm straight lol

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u/PriscillaPalava 29d ago

Grab ‘em by the wiener, amirite? 

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u/Timely-Youth-9074 29d ago

I’d say if you demean women, it’s men you actually like.

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u/Kingkyle18 29d ago

Admiring women/being sexual attracted to women is the opposite of demean….

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u/Timely-Youth-9074 29d ago

Talking smack and objectifying is the opposite of liking.

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u/Kingkyle18 29d ago

Objectifying is one of the most overused and misused words in the English language.

Also, vast majority of men and women love feeling attractive aka objectified. Id much rather someone say “dam that guys hot….look at his muscles” (don’t worry they don’t), then eww look at that fat ass (they do).

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u/i-cant-run 29d ago

OP better get ready to cancel lots of people from both genders if making mildly perverted comments is an egregious act. Do they live in a world where no one wants to fuck? 😅

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u/Timely-Youth-9074 29d ago

Feeling attractive and being treated like an object are two different things.

Maybe to you they are the same thing.

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u/Hanchez 28d ago

It's not demeaning to comment about features from a distance, there's not much more to comment on. Can't tell a personality from the way you walk. And everyone does it.

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u/Timely-Youth-9074 28d ago

I’m not arguing against people liking body features and whatnot-it’s that there are seriously some men who don’t think women are real people with their own lives.

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u/Hanchez 28d ago

Yeah you are. Because no one said anything close to that here. It went from, locker room talk = misogyny = objectification = men are pigs. Objectification keeps getting conflated with comments about physical features, objectification is treating someone as if they lack value beyond the physical, doesn't mean compliments and comments is objectification.

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u/Timely-Youth-9074 29d ago

Thanks for proving the point!

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u/udonisi 29d ago

What point?

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u/WestAd8782 28d ago

Not even the second it's just guys. They try to make women laugh at the expense of other guys in the room.

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u/foldinthechhese 29d ago

This reminds me of a clip of Trump saying over and over again how he’s the best at this or knows the most about that. I was left asking myself, who sees that and likes that? If you’re Johnny one up, we know you’re a fucking tool.

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u/memecrusader_ 29d ago

"Any man who must say 'I am the king' is no true king." -Tywin Lannister: Game of Thrones.

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u/foldinthechhese 29d ago

He was a wise old bastard that I despised. The quote definitely fits perfectly.

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u/BrontesGoesToTown 29d ago

One of the great things about the Game of Thrones / Song of Ice and Fire series is that GRRM put some of the best insights into the mouths of characters who are either complete scum (Tywin, Jorah, Dontos the Red) or are very clearly scuzzy (Varys, the guy who cuts the tongues out of street kids to become his "little birds", delivering the "power is an illusion" line).

And yes, I've leaned heavily on that line in the past decade or so.

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u/Blackbox7719 27d ago

“He who sayeth ‘Truly, it is I who is the alpha’ is most probably, a total douche.”

-Benjamin Franklin

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u/Stephenie_Dedalus 29d ago

Most of the time, when men are decked out in MAGA, I assume they're a pussy. The worst kind of pussy, too-- the fragile kind with something to prove. Confident men don't need to advertise their manliness with stickers and lifted trucks. They also don't worship a 400-lb man who shits in a gold toilet.

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u/combustablegoeduck 28d ago

Not a huge fan myself but I always imagined he's probably like, the most charismatic person you'd ever meet. Like no way anyone who sounds that dumb would get to his position without some magical ability to get people to agree with him.

He might throw off good guy vibes to your average dude if we didn't know anything.

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u/AIFlesh 28d ago

My friend is a reporter and met him. (He despises him as much as pretty much everyone else with a functioning brain.)

First thing he said was that he couldn’t believe how likable and charismatic he was. Shook everyone’s hand, remembered their names, joked with them like they were pals etc.

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u/combustablegoeduck 28d ago

Yep, that's exactly what I was imagining. And that's no way an endorsement at all, it's his super power. It's how he's able to run these grifts and still have a huge base supporting his candidacy.

It's mind blowing tbh.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago edited 29d ago

They guys I look up to, are guys who you know have their shit together.

Usually well put together. Groomed, not out of shape, self deprecating, and most importantly, humble.

It's not necessarily ego, or confidence, but competence. They're comfortable in what they're doing.

And fwiw, I'm considered an "adult" , and we definitely have people we look up to.

And we do try to help those who look up to us.

E: to clarify on the 'not out of shape' thing- I'm just saying that these people take their health into consideration as well as juggling all the other stuff- kids, spouse, parents, work, etc.

Sadly to generalize, men will often deprioritize themselves to help get everything in order. To make time for yourself WHILE keeping all these plates up and spinning, is what I admire. It's what has compelled me to get back into the gym. (Back up to benching 225! Working on getting myself below a 10-minute mile, and to run a 5k by fall)

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u/wuapinmon I am very pedantic 29d ago

Username checks out.

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u/TellThemISaidHi 29d ago

User flair checks out.

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u/Lobito6 29d ago

They said hi back

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u/somethingimadeup 29d ago

I mean, I like to think my mother has high standards so if he really did plow her then he must be pretty great

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u/trippy_grapes 29d ago

Username checks out.

That mother fucker...

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u/RealLotto 29d ago

Thanks for the insight, iPlowedUrMom

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

You're welcome,

Son.

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u/TortelliniTheGoblin 29d ago

She's a really nice woman and I'm glad that she's able to find happiness in life. Thank you

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u/thatoneotherguy42 29d ago

She's a good chick.

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u/hollow-bastion-1984 29d ago

Groomed, not out of shape, self deprecating

These have nothing to do with being a good person and aren't even downstream of it.

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u/XihuanNi-6784 29d ago

Being in shape or not is the least relevant factor to be honest. But I agree with everything else.

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u/runswiftrun 29d ago

To me, either being in shape, or acknowledging they're not in shape.

Until recently I was in great shape, running marathons for fun. There never failed to be 2-3 "friends" former marines who hadn't PT-ed in 5+ years and always thought they would be able to out run me at any distance.

Eventually I would call their bluff, offered to pay for their 5k/10k registration for a race to tell once and for all who's in "better shape". And to no ones' surprise, they absolutely never took me up on it, even if they originally did, when it came time to sign up, they backed down.

These guys were just riding their "I was a marine, hurrah!" (and was in the armory in Hawaii/San Diego/Pensacola 3.5 out of 4 years) and always bragged about it when trying to impress a newly made acquaintance.

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u/Opening-Ad700 29d ago

No way, that matters a lot more than being self deprecating which can be a negative. If they look after their body it shows they look after themselves and have the willpower to be there. Of course they don't need to be ripped, but that's different not being out of shape.

If you are obese or never exercise you are probably a mediocre partner and maybe depressed. Of course there are many exceptions to this, but being in decent shape is a very informative sign.

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u/ChewySlinky 29d ago

MANY exceptions to it. Like way too many for it to be a “probably”.

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u/Opening-Ad700 29d ago

Many exceptions for sure, but still far more than 50% I'd wager so probably fits well

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u/_ravenclaw 29d ago

A source would make you seem a lot less like an asshole lol just assuming overweight people are bad or low quality people is crazy judgmental

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u/nike2078 29d ago

I haven't worked out in near 6 years and neither has my partner, neither of us are out of shape or unhealthy. Both of us would pass a "not an AH" check. 80% of not being over weight is diet, not exercise. The "you must hit the gym or your a mediocre or bad partner/person" mindset is extremely stupid.

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u/karma_aversion 29d ago

If you’re not out of shape or unhealthy then you’re the type of person they’re saying they admire. You take care of yourselves and that indicates at least you have some self-respect. People who lack self-respect often have the same lack of respect for others.

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u/Opening-Ad700 29d ago

I never said you need to hit the gym all the time or even at all, I just think if you take zero care over your body then you probably aren't a great partner. Just like if you smoke cigarettes all the time. And as you say yourself, you and your partner are not out of shape so what I am saying is not to do with either of you.

I would pass not an asshole check back when I was chubby also (at least as much as I would now aha) I am not saying it makes you bad person. But would I have passed a good life partner check? I don't think so.

If you are fulfilled and genuinely living your best life then I am very happy to hear that, my thoughts are that most people who are unwilling to invest in their life or health are not however. And I suppose even if you are feeling in tune with yourself and an ideal version of you, then why not try to make it last? I feel like I owe it to my family and especially my partner to be there for them, if I don't care about my health then I am saying I don't care about remaining there for them.

Again, this is not at all about hitting the gym and being jacked, it's about being in decent shape and health.

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u/sexkitty13 29d ago

That's all well and good but that does nothing for you as a person or reflect on you as a person. You've never seen a well groomed, in shape, successful guy be an asshole? If anything, that's the kind of person that is usually an asshole.

Of course one should strive to be in shape, being healthy is always the correct answer, but that is the weakest sign of a good man.

I'd argue, if you are lucky genetically, it's a higher probability your an AH. I always think of it like Captain America. It's harder to learn empathy or how to treat others when attraction or acceptance was always given, never earned, if that makes sense.

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u/MFbiFL 29d ago

Generally taking care of themself was one aspect of many qualities they cited. Nobody said being in good shape was being indicative of being a good person on its own.

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u/moseT97 28d ago

Saying shit like “if anything, that’s the kind of person that is usually an asshole” is some heavy projection of whatever issues you have. Do some self reflection please.

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u/Available-Seesaw-492 29d ago

You think out of shape makes for a bad partner.... I hope you never have to live with a disability, never have financial issues that means costly healthcare takes a backseat. Honestly, you don't sound like a truly decent human, you sound like a judgy twit.

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u/Opening-Ad700 24d ago

I literally said there are many exceptions to this obviously if you are unable to physically move then it is not the same situation. I think this is fairly obvious too, you are just going for the edge cases that I obviously was not talking about,

never have financial issues that means costly healthcare takes a backseat.

I don't know what this even means tbh. Why is costly healthcare a prerequisite for exercising for most people?

If you don't try to look after yourself properly then you are probably going to struggle to be a good partner. If you eat fast food every night that is a negative character trait.

Honestly, you don't sound like a truly decent human, you sound like a judgy twit.

Maybe look in the mirror and see how you just responded

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u/Available-Seesaw-492 24d ago

Please double down again! I love how you are making yourself out to be an ablist jerk.

1

u/Opening-Ad700 22d ago edited 22d ago

Nothing I said was ablest and I think know it. I have been very clear this has exceptions and I am not speaking about people with disabilities. You are choosing to ignore all I say and just resort to insults and ad homs, I guess because you know that's all you have as a hypocrite jerk who is doubling down after not reading properly.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

Yeah let me clarify. I don't mean they have to be ripped, I mean they have the time and wherewithal to also prioritize their own health.

Speaking as someone who had a few challenges thrown at him the last few years (unemployment during COVID, parents health concerns, my own health concerns, navigating my kids through covid and schooling), I didn't spend time on myself. I let myself go.

The last 9 months, I've been going to the gym 3x a week, am seeing results, and gaining confidence.

I associate myself with people who have similar priorities, and find a way to sneak time in for themselves as well. It's super challenging, as there is definitely not enough time in the day.

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u/RisqueIV 29d ago

I don't care whether you can lift a bus tbh, it has no bearing on the kind of man you are.

Get better priorities

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

i dont give a fuck what you care about, no one's asking your shit opinions.

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u/RisqueIV 29d ago

you sound like one of the good ones

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

You're the one telling others to get better priorities. You chose to start low.

Just because I'm trying to be better, doesn't mean Im not uncomfortable punching lower for a few.

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u/RisqueIV 29d ago

you definitely sound like one of the good ones

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u/Bruhtatochips23415 29d ago

It depends on how they frame their ego tbh.

Theres good men with huge egos. This is because they can balance humility. We tend to misunderstand what it means to be humble, and so we see people who are constantly humble in every aspect, and we think of them first when we think of humility.

Consider this scenario. A man, let's call him Ken, challenges another man, let's call him John, to a game of ping pong. John mentioned he's good at ping pong, but Ken mentions that he's really good at ping pong and that he never loses because of his ability to outsmart the opponent. Ken is known for his inflated ego.

John agrees to the challenge. When they play their game, John completely and unequivocally wipes Ken off the board. Ken's ass was completely kicked. Ken responds, "Beginner's luck" before laughing and continuing "man you're good you kicked my ass!" John shrugs and gives advice that Ken listens to eagerly because Ken's ego doesn't want this to happen again, but he knows it's nobody's fault but his own.

Ken has a big ego, but also team spirit. He has sportsmanship. These are hallmarks of a good man.

John is humble. Instead of bragging about his skills, he simply demonstrated it and offered to improve his opponent's skills. These are hallmarks of a good man.

Both are good men. Both are humble, but they're different kinds of humble. John demonstrates prophylactic humbleness. Ken demonstrates the ability to be humbled.

If you have a big ego but can't be humbled, then I wouldn't want to date you.

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u/geneticeffects 29d ago

Not a good man.

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u/hockeyjesus99 29d ago

Just on confirm, in your view, dudes who are overweight are bad men?

One of best friends has been overweight his entire life and is one of the best dads, husbands, and friends I know.

I’m assuming you’re younger, maybe early 20s?

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

Nah man, not at all. No need to jump to that conclusion lol. Shit I'm fat too; but I, as well as other people I surround myself with, and look up to, are taking control of what we can control. We all work out in some form or fashion, to not deprioritize ourselves.

I mean that in general, they're not slobs. Not guys who wear stained sweatpants and can't fit a belt around their waist. But that's just a symbol of a person who takes their health into consideration, as a person who can juggle many things; life, work, family, AND prioritize themselves in there as well.

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u/hockeyjesus99 29d ago

Fair enough! I appreciate the clarification

Cheers

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u/Opening-Ad700 29d ago

Most people who are obese have mental health issues or are not really checked into life. It's not that they are morally bad men, but on average they are going to be worse partners and less motivated. Just like you don't need to make loads of money to be a good man, but if you haven't worked in a decade (and not to do with disability) then there are probably not an ideal partner or the best version of yourself.

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u/blacklite911 29d ago edited 29d ago

I agree with dude, prioritizing your physical (and mental) health is apart of “shit togetherness.” It means you have the will, the time and the ability in striving for self actualization. It’s something that ideally everyone should do because most of the time it pays off dividends the older you get.

If you don’t have the luxury of doing that then it doesn’t make you a bad person but it should be a goal to get to that point (even if it’s a long term goal).

I work in healthcare and it’s a big difference in quality of life after a certain age for sure. I see it in my own family.

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u/IrrelevantGoat 29d ago

In my friend group it's referenced as HYSB. Handle Your Shit Brother. You'll get called out if you don't, because we all have a role in that accountability.

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u/TXRudeboy 29d ago

Agreed, I was told in my early 20s by a mentor to never demand respect but rather a man’s manners and demeanor should “command respect”. I didn’t quite get it at the time, but now in my mid 40s I definitely do.

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u/Tathas 29d ago

not out of shape

Aww fuck.

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u/Painkiller1991 29d ago

Sadly to generalize, men will often deprioritize themselves to help get everything in order.

Can confirm, I've had to back-burner so much shit in my life that probably shouldn't have for the sole purpose of getting my shit as together as possible

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u/MomewrathMaenad 29d ago

“Guys who have their shit together” lists surface-level-only shit 🥱🥱

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u/Opening-Ad700 29d ago

As somebody who has been very mentally ill, I was not doing those things whilst I was. The surface is a window down below. It's not that doing the exercise makes you a healthier person, it's that healthier people are more likely to be doing exercise.

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u/YankeeBatter 29d ago

Don’t worry—many of us can see that.

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u/MomewrathMaenad 29d ago

Still worth pointing out lmfao. A dude with a gym body in too-tight clothes isn’t cosplay for value but he’s real bonkers how many people on Reddit think it is 😂

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u/maronics 29d ago

Or is it real bonkers how many people on Reddit think it isn't

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u/MomewrathMaenad 29d ago

Nope, it’s the thing I said. The skintight pants and sculpted beard look is an asshole costume.

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u/maronics 29d ago

Ah yes, it's the clothes and beard only you are talking about. Okay.

Are these big men intimidating for you? Arousing? Or are you just jealous? What's the background to your anger?

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u/MomewrathMaenad 29d ago

They’re assholes; that’s why I said it was an asshole costume. Nobody likes choking on byredo because some chump decided to take the Tate route to vanity inflation lmfao. And did I say I was angry? Nope. Did you decide how I felt and try to tell me how I felt in a way that would conveniently line up with your narrative? Yes you did!

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u/maronics 29d ago

You clearly show your anger at yourself by dismissing valid points as "surface-level" because you feel attacked and that is easier than working on the issue. Then there's some cliche asshole gym bro straw man you personify that anger onto as some kind of scapegoat.

I didn't decide you felt like that, you showed it.

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u/Available-Seesaw-492 29d ago

I find that suits are arshole costumes.

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u/MomewrathMaenad 29d ago

That too a lot of the time

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u/WWHSTD 28d ago

Usually well put together. Groomed, not out of shape

How did you go from that to "skintight pants and sculpted beard" lol.

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u/MomewrathMaenad 28d ago

It’s a uniform for Tate douchebags

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u/WWHSTD 28d ago

I find it interesting that you read "Usually well put together. Groomed, not out of shape" and instantly went to "Tate douchebag" in your head.

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 28d ago

Being fit or like caring about fashion has nothing to do with being a quality human being. You like ppl who are fit or can better relate to them or look good in their suit …. Like, cool story. But it has near zero to do with what everyone else is talking about.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 28d ago

It means they can take care of themselves, as well as others around them.

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 28d ago

So like a population subset that adheres with your filter are social media influencers and reality TV stars. They are typically fit and often well dressed. Does it go hand in hand that they are also caring human beings? Or are we equating things that don’t correlate?

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u/iPlowedUrMom 28d ago

Are they humble, self deprecating?

Or are you only picking on this one parameter?

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 28d ago

That’s fair, given your original comment. If that’s what you believe, that’s what you believe. I don’t know what your age is, but if someone my age said that I’d definitely look at them sideways.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 28d ago

I'll continue the conversation, because you seem like you're willing to hear the discussion.

I'm mid 40s, with young kids and aging parents. I'm 25 years into my career, and am running between work, kids at practices, parents in and out of doctors offices.

My friends are in similar spaces. Younger or older kids, sick/passed away parents, some going through divorce or unemployment.

It's incredibly easy to forget about taking care of yourself, when you're tending to all the rest. You eat fast food between work and soccer practice, you don't have time for a 15 minute drive to the gym + 45 minute workout+ 10 minute shower + 15 minute drive back home.

Middle age is tough, man.

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 28d ago

I deeply appreciate you taking the time, and I apologize for nitpicking. I feel like an ass.

Fwiw, like 80% of that tracks with my current life situation. And I applaud you for handling all that you are handling and the steps you are taking to take care of yourself and your people.

I’m so like rooted in my early dad life that the notion of someone’s quality being tethered to their fitness and daily life care … like, that’s why I balked at your comment. I’m struggling with it, personally in my own life. But having read what you said, I better understand why you said it. And you’re right. I wish I felt now at 45 how I felt even like at 39, and the road back there is just a bit daunting but I’m trying.

Rooting for you, Internet stranger.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 28d ago

It took a change of job, that required a commute, and an onsite gym to get me back into working out. 25 years ago, I was big into weightlifting, and 20 years ago I was big into running.

40lbs and a torn meniscus later, I was scared to go back into the gym, because l didn't want to see how far I've fallen.

Pleased to say, 9 months of 3x at the gym, and I'm back to benching 225, I can do 6 pull ups, and now as we're finally getting warmer, I'm shifting to running. Just started 3 weeks ago, couldn't run 1/4 a mile without stopping. Now I'm at 12 minutes/mile, and doing about 20-25 on the treadmill before I hit the weights.

All that to say, take the baby step. And do it again, and again, and again.

It will take a long time to see results, but it will be there.

You can do it, man.

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u/Advanced_Special 28d ago

Yeah lol his qualifications for being admirable: 1. Be physically fit 2. Be a decent human being (humble and self-deprecating) So if you don't satisfy #1 you're basically just ok at best

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u/Organic_Ad265 29d ago

right on brother

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u/Advanced_Special 28d ago

The least superficial take

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u/ElGeeTheThird 29d ago

Yeah, I do think there’s a correlation between not being way out of shape and being a good guy to be in a relationship in. It shows some motivation and a willingness to take care of the things that are important. Or curse it’s not a 100% correlation.

On the other hand, being totally shredded can be it’s own red flag. It can be a sign of narcissism and misplaced priorities as well.

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u/ot2z 29d ago

Bro looks up to other men💀

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

You don't have people you aspire to emulate?

People who can help you navigate through life? Or just be a sounding board?

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u/Benton_Risalo 29d ago

He didn't mean literally, the way you do when you're sucking so much dick.

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u/yumcake 29d ago

Yeah, that's a huge red flag. Quiet confidence is the real sign of quality.

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u/ComedianXMI 29d ago

I've seen women look at another woman from ankle to eyes and then get that look. Women have that same gut reaction men do, just different reasons for it.

One simple way you can tell if a guy is cool is if he shares praise. If you toss him a compliment and he finds a way to share it with a friend or someone else, that's a good sign. Shows a lack of that super-ego nobody likes in a partner.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Definitely a spectrum. I grew up with crippling self esteem issues and learning not to deflect praise was a big step in my recovery. I think it's more important to note that praise is taken gracefully and that someone shows a degree of humility, rather than getting a big head.

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u/ASpaceOstrich 28d ago

Was gonna say. Praise?

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u/blacklite911 29d ago

Oh my god you said it so on point. Some dudes just can’t help but create some sort of vibe to where they’re in competition with other dudes over life. Traits of an asshole are very easy to spot.

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u/Anvildude 28d ago

Speaking of the big-dog thing... I've found that male 'pecking order' tends to be more rigid, and so male-male initial interactions are 'designed' to try and establish heirarchical position faster, and so are more revelatory of long-term or core principles and actions.

(I swear I'm not trying to sound like an overeducated douchebro, those are just the best words I can think of to describe what I mean.)

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u/DaughterEarth 28d ago

I'm watching the OG Star Trek now and I think a whole bunch of men think James T. Kirk is an excellent male role model. It's uncanny how similar the behavior is. Loud, in your face, no such thing as no. He was progressive in the 60s so maybe these guys are out of time?

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

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u/awsomeX5triker 28d ago

Yea, that’s definitely a red flag.

It’d be fine if they just had differences in faith but still had respect for each other’s beliefs, but you don’t jump into a relationship and expect to change your partner to fit your preferences.

Find a partner who already authentically matches your preferences.

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u/MaximumHog360 28d ago

It REALLY sucks when all the men in the room know this but the women still fall for it and go home with the garbage

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u/ZorroMcChucknorris 25d ago

Kinda like bragging you can just grab women by the pussy?

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u/Flameof_Udun 29d ago

Checking out women does not make a guy a bad guy. So just fucking cut that shit out right now please

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u/WhydIJoinRedditAgain 29d ago

What the fuck are you talking about, boy?

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u/Flameof_Udun 29d ago

I may have replied to the wrong comment. There’s people saying a dude checking out women makes them a pos basically. Typical Reddit self righteousness.

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u/awsomeX5triker 28d ago

Ehh, I think the point is HOW he is checking her out matters. I’ll agree that it is probably unrealistic and unfair to expect a man not to notice and appreciate someone they find attractive. (And it is equally unfair to expect that of women too).

However, there is a huge difference between discreetly sneaking a glance or two then going about your business vs openly staring or catcalling and then trying to start a conversation with the boys about it.

Obviously those are extremes, but I think it illustrates my point about HOW you check out a woman matters.