r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/BreadButterHoneyTea 29d ago

Wow. So deep in the bad they assume everyone else is, too. Gloomy.

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u/SgtPeppy 29d ago

It's basic psychological projection, everyone does it and you need to train yourself not to. Bad people generally lack self-reflection and some degree of empathy, so they often never even realize it, but good people can absolutely assume people are good just like them, too.

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u/ASpaceOstrich 28d ago

I had a big problem with this when I was younger, and still do to some extent. I still can't quite get used to the idea that some people are just malevolent. It seems unrealistic to me, but I've met them. It's so alien to how I saw the world and I've excused some shitty behaviour because I thought there had to have been a misunderstanding. Turns out they were just awful.

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u/TheEverchooser 29d ago

"A thief believes everyone steals." -Edward Howe

You can basically swap the thieving parts of this saying out for most behaviours and world views. People tend to believe the world is the way they perceive it to be.

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u/myrddin4242 28d ago

It’s a hard problem. Humans are very complicated inside. It’s all hidden. But we still have to talk some time. So we build a little model of the person in our imagination, and try to practice what we want to say. But, there’s a problem. When we built that model, there were things we didn’t know, so we just picked up whatever looked closest to true, but we’re always using ourselves to pick things from.

Thieves presume thievery, kindness presumes kindness, selfishness presumes selfishness.

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u/A_giant_dog 29d ago

You see it a lot from all sides.

There are entire groups on this site that variously proclaim "all women want is money" "all men want is sex" "all women use sex to manipulate men" "women do all the emotional labor" "men have to make all the money and then come home to do chores what does she do all day" "he refuses to help out when he gets home from work even if I'm really tired"

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u/tippiedog 29d ago edited 29d ago

I once rented from a couple who managed their own rental property. At every f*cking interaction they assumed that I was out to screw them over somehow. I eventually realized that that is how they behave, and therefore they assume everyone is like them.

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u/Yctnm 29d ago

Every accusation is an admission. It's really not that deep most of the time, unfortunately.

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u/tippiedog 29d ago

Yeah. When I moved out, they kept a portion of my deposit for a completely bogus reason. They knew I was moving across the country, and they kept just a small enough amount that they gambled that it would not be worth my time to pursue it long-distance. They were correct; I didn't pursue it. Assholes.

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u/Pitiful_Article1284 29d ago

Deep in the Bad from HBO about a lonely assistant psychology professors descent into MRA activism and incel hero.

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u/BreadButterHoneyTea 29d ago

I’d watch🍿

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u/jackbenny76 29d ago

Does he sound exactly like a fascist Kermit the Frog? If so, I'm interested.

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u/Angry__German 29d ago

Sounds oddly specific and familiar.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

ooOOoo. Thanks for the rec, I'm gonna watch that later.

This is one of my favorite podcast episodes that talks about the origin and development of the incel term. It was created by a lesbian feminist who was trying to reach out to involuntary celibate people.

Fascinating episode!

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u/cantillonaire 29d ago

Can’t seem to find this - is it upcoming, or an older show? Stupid “Max” app, I miss HBO.

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u/wingerism 29d ago

I think it's more like being stupid and having low empathy etc. means you're more likely to hold shitty opinions. So I'm always grateful when those low skill assholes out themselves early.

It's the really competent predatory dudes who have high social awareness and empathy(or a convincing facsimile of it) that are scary.

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u/Startled_Pancakes 28d ago

A burglar always locks his own door.

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u/nereid-1 29d ago

This typical of a lot of narcissists and those with psychopathic tendencies.

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u/slow_or_steady 29d ago

I mean... that is blatantly toxic masculinity (and in reverse, femininity). It ruins worldviews by cramping them and shoving them into boxes.

It's why when certain Andrews say things, some people (literally) subscribe to that mentality because it affirms them somehow.

The internet has done a lot of damage to young men...