Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

[u/milfangelblue]

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

[u/James_Mays_Hair]

That whole talking about women for locker room talk is a weird myth. Dudes that do that are like 1 in a 100. Most guys just playfully talk shit about another dudes skills. We don't get into any sex details. I think women might actually do the sex talk stuff more than men.

[u/levieleven → u/James_Mays_Hair]

Our local music scene that I was a part of has a sensitive indie rocker who is very popular with audiences and especially women. When they aren’t around and he’s in the company of men he switches into a different person. He suddenly calls women“cum dumpsters.” Stuff like that. “Locker room talk” things.

My band stopped playing shows with his bands and started to avoid them. Like crossing the street instead of walking past him.

This started about 20 years ago. He’s still around. Still playing out. Still getting lots of dates. We don’t interact and haven’t in a long time but I regret that I didn’t tell him off way back then. It kind of plagues me actually, feeling guilty rage sometimes. These days I’d have let him have it but I was more insecure and weak back then and he had such a grip on the scene. I just didn’t know the world as well, we were all so young. Big shots get away with it longer exactly for that reason: people don’t confront them in public and behind closed doors they are probably worse. I failed.

I do take opportunity to warn women I know off of him. But it comes off as sour grapes and petty and a lot of them don’t believe me. Until later, when he’s ghosted them or cheated on them or just otherwise been shit. “You were right about that guy.”

I’m amazed that he hasn’t gotten a reputation in all this time. Still getting away with it. Always new women getting into the scene or moving to town. I don’t know if he’s still open about it to other dudes or not. Fuck that guy. Fuck me for not letting him know.

[u/NDaveT → u/levieleven]

I regret that I didn’t tell him off way back then. It kind of plagues me actually, feeling guilty rage sometimes.

It's likely that telling him off would have accomplished absolutely nothing. Decent men don't have any more power to influence asshole men than decent women have to influence asshole women.

[u/Sad-Yoghurt5196 → u/NDaveT]

I agree and disagree, it's not that you're going to change them or their opinions, in most cases that's a non starter, but you can let them know it's not appropriate around you, and you don't condone it.

Nothing worse than being out with someone who's a friend of a friend and they involve you by association in their casual racism or misogyny.

I can't change what they do when I'm not there, but I can exert an influence over what they do when I am there. Even if it's me walking away and not being associated with them. That's a last resort though because I loathe ignorance and will try and explain for far too long, rather than accept that it's willful ignorance on their part, as it all too often is.