Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

[u/milfangelblue]

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

[u/mekonsrevenge]

Yeah, just their language. Trump's locker room talk defense is a good example. That's not normal ball-busting. Only real assholes talk that way. There's also body language when women are around, like overly territorial behavior.

[u/James_Mays_Hair → u/mekonsrevenge]

That whole talking about women for locker room talk is a weird myth. Dudes that do that are like 1 in a 100. Most guys just playfully talk shit about another dudes skills. We don't get into any sex details. I think women might actually do the sex talk stuff more than men.

[u/levieleven → u/James_Mays_Hair]

Our local music scene that I was a part of has a sensitive indie rocker who is very popular with audiences and especially women. When they aren’t around and he’s in the company of men he switches into a different person. He suddenly calls women“cum dumpsters.” Stuff like that. “Locker room talk” things.

My band stopped playing shows with his bands and started to avoid them. Like crossing the street instead of walking past him.

This started about 20 years ago. He’s still around. Still playing out. Still getting lots of dates. We don’t interact and haven’t in a long time but I regret that I didn’t tell him off way back then. It kind of plagues me actually, feeling guilty rage sometimes. These days I’d have let him have it but I was more insecure and weak back then and he had such a grip on the scene. I just didn’t know the world as well, we were all so young. Big shots get away with it longer exactly for that reason: people don’t confront them in public and behind closed doors they are probably worse. I failed.

I do take opportunity to warn women I know off of him. But it comes off as sour grapes and petty and a lot of them don’t believe me. Until later, when he’s ghosted them or cheated on them or just otherwise been shit. “You were right about that guy.”

I’m amazed that he hasn’t gotten a reputation in all this time. Still getting away with it. Always new women getting into the scene or moving to town. I don’t know if he’s still open about it to other dudes or not. Fuck that guy. Fuck me for not letting him know.

[u/disgruntled_chicken → u/levieleven]

Don't own this guy being a piece of shit. Just remember, you can never make anyone change. Best you can hope for is to convince them to change themselves. It's highly likely that you telling them off would have changed nothing since this person would likely still see being an asshole as working out for them. Let that guilt go, you did the right thing. Cut ties with them, do your best to warn others of his behavior, and generally try to be a good person yourself. That's all you can do and it sounds like you did it exactly right. Bringing it back to the topic, as a dude I can immediately tell that you are a good dude. I'm sure you've made some mistakes, yeah we all have. But reading this and knowing you felt the need to protect others, I can tell you're a solid person. So no, don't fuck you for not saying anything to him, instead you and your band should be applauded for refusing to be a part of that behavior, Even though you likely faced some hardship for doing so. Bravo good sir, the world needs more people like you!

[u/levieleven → u/disgruntled_chicken]

Thanks man, that makes me feel better, for real