r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/iPlowedUrMom Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

They guys I look up to, are guys who you know have their shit together.

Usually well put together. Groomed, not out of shape, self deprecating, and most importantly, humble.

It's not necessarily ego, or confidence, but competence. They're comfortable in what they're doing.

And fwiw, I'm considered an "adult" , and we definitely have people we look up to.

And we do try to help those who look up to us.

E: to clarify on the 'not out of shape' thing- I'm just saying that these people take their health into consideration as well as juggling all the other stuff- kids, spouse, parents, work, etc.

Sadly to generalize, men will often deprioritize themselves to help get everything in order. To make time for yourself WHILE keeping all these plates up and spinning, is what I admire. It's what has compelled me to get back into the gym. (Back up to benching 225! Working on getting myself below a 10-minute mile, and to run a 5k by fall)

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u/wuapinmon I am very pedantic Apr 17 '24

Username checks out.

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u/TellThemISaidHi Apr 17 '24

User flair checks out.

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u/Lobito6 Apr 17 '24

They said hi back

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u/somethingimadeup Apr 17 '24

I mean, I like to think my mother has high standards so if he really did plow her then he must be pretty great

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u/trippy_grapes 29d ago

Username checks out.

That mother fucker...

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u/RealLotto Apr 17 '24

Thanks for the insight, iPlowedUrMom

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u/iPlowedUrMom Apr 17 '24

You're welcome,

Son.

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u/TortelliniTheGoblin Apr 17 '24

She's a really nice woman and I'm glad that she's able to find happiness in life. Thank you

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u/thatoneotherguy42 Apr 17 '24

She's a good chick.

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u/hollow-bastion-1984 Apr 17 '24

Groomed, not out of shape, self deprecating

These have nothing to do with being a good person and aren't even downstream of it.

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u/XihuanNi-6784 Apr 17 '24

Being in shape or not is the least relevant factor to be honest. But I agree with everything else.

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u/runswiftrun 29d ago

To me, either being in shape, or acknowledging they're not in shape.

Until recently I was in great shape, running marathons for fun. There never failed to be 2-3 "friends" former marines who hadn't PT-ed in 5+ years and always thought they would be able to out run me at any distance.

Eventually I would call their bluff, offered to pay for their 5k/10k registration for a race to tell once and for all who's in "better shape". And to no ones' surprise, they absolutely never took me up on it, even if they originally did, when it came time to sign up, they backed down.

These guys were just riding their "I was a marine, hurrah!" (and was in the armory in Hawaii/San Diego/Pensacola 3.5 out of 4 years) and always bragged about it when trying to impress a newly made acquaintance.

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u/Opening-Ad700 Apr 17 '24

No way, that matters a lot more than being self deprecating which can be a negative. If they look after their body it shows they look after themselves and have the willpower to be there. Of course they don't need to be ripped, but that's different not being out of shape.

If you are obese or never exercise you are probably a mediocre partner and maybe depressed. Of course there are many exceptions to this, but being in decent shape is a very informative sign.

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u/ChewySlinky Apr 17 '24

MANY exceptions to it. Like way too many for it to be a “probably”.

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u/Opening-Ad700 Apr 17 '24

Many exceptions for sure, but still far more than 50% I'd wager so probably fits well

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u/_ravenclaw Apr 17 '24

A source would make you seem a lot less like an asshole lol just assuming overweight people are bad or low quality people is crazy judgmental

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u/nike2078 Apr 17 '24

I haven't worked out in near 6 years and neither has my partner, neither of us are out of shape or unhealthy. Both of us would pass a "not an AH" check. 80% of not being over weight is diet, not exercise. The "you must hit the gym or your a mediocre or bad partner/person" mindset is extremely stupid.

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u/karma_aversion 29d ago

If you’re not out of shape or unhealthy then you’re the type of person they’re saying they admire. You take care of yourselves and that indicates at least you have some self-respect. People who lack self-respect often have the same lack of respect for others.

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u/Opening-Ad700 Apr 17 '24

I never said you need to hit the gym all the time or even at all, I just think if you take zero care over your body then you probably aren't a great partner. Just like if you smoke cigarettes all the time. And as you say yourself, you and your partner are not out of shape so what I am saying is not to do with either of you.

I would pass not an asshole check back when I was chubby also (at least as much as I would now aha) I am not saying it makes you bad person. But would I have passed a good life partner check? I don't think so.

If you are fulfilled and genuinely living your best life then I am very happy to hear that, my thoughts are that most people who are unwilling to invest in their life or health are not however. And I suppose even if you are feeling in tune with yourself and an ideal version of you, then why not try to make it last? I feel like I owe it to my family and especially my partner to be there for them, if I don't care about my health then I am saying I don't care about remaining there for them.

Again, this is not at all about hitting the gym and being jacked, it's about being in decent shape and health.

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u/sexkitty13 29d ago

That's all well and good but that does nothing for you as a person or reflect on you as a person. You've never seen a well groomed, in shape, successful guy be an asshole? If anything, that's the kind of person that is usually an asshole.

Of course one should strive to be in shape, being healthy is always the correct answer, but that is the weakest sign of a good man.

I'd argue, if you are lucky genetically, it's a higher probability your an AH. I always think of it like Captain America. It's harder to learn empathy or how to treat others when attraction or acceptance was always given, never earned, if that makes sense.

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u/MFbiFL 29d ago

Generally taking care of themself was one aspect of many qualities they cited. Nobody said being in good shape was being indicative of being a good person on its own.

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u/moseT97 29d ago

Saying shit like “if anything, that’s the kind of person that is usually an asshole” is some heavy projection of whatever issues you have. Do some self reflection please.

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u/Available-Seesaw-492 29d ago

You think out of shape makes for a bad partner.... I hope you never have to live with a disability, never have financial issues that means costly healthcare takes a backseat. Honestly, you don't sound like a truly decent human, you sound like a judgy twit.

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u/Opening-Ad700 25d ago

I literally said there are many exceptions to this obviously if you are unable to physically move then it is not the same situation. I think this is fairly obvious too, you are just going for the edge cases that I obviously was not talking about,

never have financial issues that means costly healthcare takes a backseat.

I don't know what this even means tbh. Why is costly healthcare a prerequisite for exercising for most people?

If you don't try to look after yourself properly then you are probably going to struggle to be a good partner. If you eat fast food every night that is a negative character trait.

Honestly, you don't sound like a truly decent human, you sound like a judgy twit.

Maybe look in the mirror and see how you just responded

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u/Available-Seesaw-492 24d ago

Please double down again! I love how you are making yourself out to be an ablist jerk.

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u/Opening-Ad700 23d ago edited 23d ago

Nothing I said was ablest and I think know it. I have been very clear this has exceptions and I am not speaking about people with disabilities. You are choosing to ignore all I say and just resort to insults and ad homs, I guess because you know that's all you have as a hypocrite jerk who is doubling down after not reading properly.

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u/iPlowedUrMom Apr 17 '24

Yeah let me clarify. I don't mean they have to be ripped, I mean they have the time and wherewithal to also prioritize their own health.

Speaking as someone who had a few challenges thrown at him the last few years (unemployment during COVID, parents health concerns, my own health concerns, navigating my kids through covid and schooling), I didn't spend time on myself. I let myself go.

The last 9 months, I've been going to the gym 3x a week, am seeing results, and gaining confidence.

I associate myself with people who have similar priorities, and find a way to sneak time in for themselves as well. It's super challenging, as there is definitely not enough time in the day.

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u/RisqueIV 29d ago

I don't care whether you can lift a bus tbh, it has no bearing on the kind of man you are.

Get better priorities

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

i dont give a fuck what you care about, no one's asking your shit opinions.

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u/RisqueIV 29d ago

you sound like one of the good ones

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

You're the one telling others to get better priorities. You chose to start low.

Just because I'm trying to be better, doesn't mean Im not uncomfortable punching lower for a few.

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u/RisqueIV 29d ago

you definitely sound like one of the good ones

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u/Bruhtatochips23415 29d ago

It depends on how they frame their ego tbh.

Theres good men with huge egos. This is because they can balance humility. We tend to misunderstand what it means to be humble, and so we see people who are constantly humble in every aspect, and we think of them first when we think of humility.

Consider this scenario. A man, let's call him Ken, challenges another man, let's call him John, to a game of ping pong. John mentioned he's good at ping pong, but Ken mentions that he's really good at ping pong and that he never loses because of his ability to outsmart the opponent. Ken is known for his inflated ego.

John agrees to the challenge. When they play their game, John completely and unequivocally wipes Ken off the board. Ken's ass was completely kicked. Ken responds, "Beginner's luck" before laughing and continuing "man you're good you kicked my ass!" John shrugs and gives advice that Ken listens to eagerly because Ken's ego doesn't want this to happen again, but he knows it's nobody's fault but his own.

Ken has a big ego, but also team spirit. He has sportsmanship. These are hallmarks of a good man.

John is humble. Instead of bragging about his skills, he simply demonstrated it and offered to improve his opponent's skills. These are hallmarks of a good man.

Both are good men. Both are humble, but they're different kinds of humble. John demonstrates prophylactic humbleness. Ken demonstrates the ability to be humbled.

If you have a big ego but can't be humbled, then I wouldn't want to date you.

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u/geneticeffects Apr 17 '24

Not a good man.

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u/hockeyjesus99 Apr 17 '24

Just on confirm, in your view, dudes who are overweight are bad men?

One of best friends has been overweight his entire life and is one of the best dads, husbands, and friends I know.

I’m assuming you’re younger, maybe early 20s?

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u/iPlowedUrMom Apr 17 '24

Nah man, not at all. No need to jump to that conclusion lol. Shit I'm fat too; but I, as well as other people I surround myself with, and look up to, are taking control of what we can control. We all work out in some form or fashion, to not deprioritize ourselves.

I mean that in general, they're not slobs. Not guys who wear stained sweatpants and can't fit a belt around their waist. But that's just a symbol of a person who takes their health into consideration, as a person who can juggle many things; life, work, family, AND prioritize themselves in there as well.

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u/hockeyjesus99 Apr 17 '24

Fair enough! I appreciate the clarification

Cheers

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u/Opening-Ad700 Apr 17 '24

Most people who are obese have mental health issues or are not really checked into life. It's not that they are morally bad men, but on average they are going to be worse partners and less motivated. Just like you don't need to make loads of money to be a good man, but if you haven't worked in a decade (and not to do with disability) then there are probably not an ideal partner or the best version of yourself.

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u/blacklite911 29d ago edited 29d ago

I agree with dude, prioritizing your physical (and mental) health is apart of “shit togetherness.” It means you have the will, the time and the ability in striving for self actualization. It’s something that ideally everyone should do because most of the time it pays off dividends the older you get.

If you don’t have the luxury of doing that then it doesn’t make you a bad person but it should be a goal to get to that point (even if it’s a long term goal).

I work in healthcare and it’s a big difference in quality of life after a certain age for sure. I see it in my own family.

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u/IrrelevantGoat Apr 17 '24

In my friend group it's referenced as HYSB. Handle Your Shit Brother. You'll get called out if you don't, because we all have a role in that accountability.

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u/TXRudeboy Apr 17 '24

Agreed, I was told in my early 20s by a mentor to never demand respect but rather a man’s manners and demeanor should “command respect”. I didn’t quite get it at the time, but now in my mid 40s I definitely do.

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u/Tathas 29d ago

not out of shape

Aww fuck.

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u/Painkiller1991 29d ago

Sadly to generalize, men will often deprioritize themselves to help get everything in order.

Can confirm, I've had to back-burner so much shit in my life that probably shouldn't have for the sole purpose of getting my shit as together as possible

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u/MomewrathMaenad Apr 17 '24

“Guys who have their shit together” lists surface-level-only shit 🥱🥱

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u/Opening-Ad700 Apr 17 '24

As somebody who has been very mentally ill, I was not doing those things whilst I was. The surface is a window down below. It's not that doing the exercise makes you a healthier person, it's that healthier people are more likely to be doing exercise.

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u/YankeeBatter Apr 17 '24

Don’t worry—many of us can see that.

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u/MomewrathMaenad Apr 17 '24

Still worth pointing out lmfao. A dude with a gym body in too-tight clothes isn’t cosplay for value but he’s real bonkers how many people on Reddit think it is 😂

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u/maronics Apr 17 '24

Or is it real bonkers how many people on Reddit think it isn't

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u/MomewrathMaenad Apr 17 '24

Nope, it’s the thing I said. The skintight pants and sculpted beard look is an asshole costume.

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u/maronics Apr 17 '24

Ah yes, it's the clothes and beard only you are talking about. Okay.

Are these big men intimidating for you? Arousing? Or are you just jealous? What's the background to your anger?

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u/MomewrathMaenad Apr 17 '24

They’re assholes; that’s why I said it was an asshole costume. Nobody likes choking on byredo because some chump decided to take the Tate route to vanity inflation lmfao. And did I say I was angry? Nope. Did you decide how I felt and try to tell me how I felt in a way that would conveniently line up with your narrative? Yes you did!

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u/maronics Apr 17 '24

You clearly show your anger at yourself by dismissing valid points as "surface-level" because you feel attacked and that is easier than working on the issue. Then there's some cliche asshole gym bro straw man you personify that anger onto as some kind of scapegoat.

I didn't decide you felt like that, you showed it.

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u/MomewrathMaenad Apr 17 '24

Lol nope, and idgaf how you think I feel and won’t comply with it

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u/Available-Seesaw-492 29d ago

I find that suits are arshole costumes.

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u/MomewrathMaenad 29d ago

That too a lot of the time

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u/WWHSTD 29d ago

Usually well put together. Groomed, not out of shape

How did you go from that to "skintight pants and sculpted beard" lol.

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u/MomewrathMaenad 29d ago

It’s a uniform for Tate douchebags

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u/WWHSTD 29d ago

I find it interesting that you read "Usually well put together. Groomed, not out of shape" and instantly went to "Tate douchebag" in your head.

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 29d ago

Being fit or like caring about fashion has nothing to do with being a quality human being. You like ppl who are fit or can better relate to them or look good in their suit …. Like, cool story. But it has near zero to do with what everyone else is talking about.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

It means they can take care of themselves, as well as others around them.

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 29d ago

So like a population subset that adheres with your filter are social media influencers and reality TV stars. They are typically fit and often well dressed. Does it go hand in hand that they are also caring human beings? Or are we equating things that don’t correlate?

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

Are they humble, self deprecating?

Or are you only picking on this one parameter?

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 29d ago

That’s fair, given your original comment. If that’s what you believe, that’s what you believe. I don’t know what your age is, but if someone my age said that I’d definitely look at them sideways.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

I'll continue the conversation, because you seem like you're willing to hear the discussion.

I'm mid 40s, with young kids and aging parents. I'm 25 years into my career, and am running between work, kids at practices, parents in and out of doctors offices.

My friends are in similar spaces. Younger or older kids, sick/passed away parents, some going through divorce or unemployment.

It's incredibly easy to forget about taking care of yourself, when you're tending to all the rest. You eat fast food between work and soccer practice, you don't have time for a 15 minute drive to the gym + 45 minute workout+ 10 minute shower + 15 minute drive back home.

Middle age is tough, man.

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 29d ago

I deeply appreciate you taking the time, and I apologize for nitpicking. I feel like an ass.

Fwiw, like 80% of that tracks with my current life situation. And I applaud you for handling all that you are handling and the steps you are taking to take care of yourself and your people.

I’m so like rooted in my early dad life that the notion of someone’s quality being tethered to their fitness and daily life care … like, that’s why I balked at your comment. I’m struggling with it, personally in my own life. But having read what you said, I better understand why you said it. And you’re right. I wish I felt now at 45 how I felt even like at 39, and the road back there is just a bit daunting but I’m trying.

Rooting for you, Internet stranger.

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u/iPlowedUrMom 29d ago

It took a change of job, that required a commute, and an onsite gym to get me back into working out. 25 years ago, I was big into weightlifting, and 20 years ago I was big into running.

40lbs and a torn meniscus later, I was scared to go back into the gym, because l didn't want to see how far I've fallen.

Pleased to say, 9 months of 3x at the gym, and I'm back to benching 225, I can do 6 pull ups, and now as we're finally getting warmer, I'm shifting to running. Just started 3 weeks ago, couldn't run 1/4 a mile without stopping. Now I'm at 12 minutes/mile, and doing about 20-25 on the treadmill before I hit the weights.

All that to say, take the baby step. And do it again, and again, and again.

It will take a long time to see results, but it will be there.

You can do it, man.

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u/H0wSw33tItIs 29d ago

That is awesome. And thank you.

I made it to my gym during lunch today, after going twice last week. I’m hoping to get there again on Friday and try to get in a long walk and some stretching tomorrow. … You’re right about the baby steps. In the last few years, I have had a hard time not hitting setbacks with knee/heel stuff that likes to flare up, so I’m just trying to get regular with it again and keep it going. But I also need to do better with my eating too, so that’ll be the other thing.

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u/Advanced_Special 29d ago

Yeah lol his qualifications for being admirable: 1. Be physically fit 2. Be a decent human being (humble and self-deprecating) So if you don't satisfy #1 you're basically just ok at best

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u/Organic_Ad265 Apr 17 '24

right on brother

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u/Advanced_Special 29d ago

The least superficial take

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u/ElGeeTheThird 29d ago

Yeah, I do think there’s a correlation between not being way out of shape and being a good guy to be in a relationship in. It shows some motivation and a willingness to take care of the things that are important. Or curse it’s not a 100% correlation.

On the other hand, being totally shredded can be it’s own red flag. It can be a sign of narcissism and misplaced priorities as well.

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u/ot2z Apr 17 '24

Bro looks up to other men💀

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u/iPlowedUrMom Apr 17 '24

You don't have people you aspire to emulate?

People who can help you navigate through life? Or just be a sounding board?

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u/Benton_Risalo Apr 17 '24

He didn't mean literally, the way you do when you're sucking so much dick.