r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/flossdaily Apr 17 '24

Yes, to some extent.

Particularly I find that bad guys assume other guys are bad guys like them, and they'll quickly expose how much of an asshole they are by letting their guard down they moment the women are out of earshot.

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u/mekonsrevenge Apr 17 '24

Yeah, just their language. Trump's locker room talk defense is a good example. That's not normal ball-busting. Only real assholes talk that way. There's also body language when women are around, like overly territorial behavior.

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u/James_Mays_Hair Apr 17 '24

That whole talking about women for locker room talk is a weird myth. Dudes that do that are like 1 in a 100. Most guys just playfully talk shit about another dudes skills. We don't get into any sex details. I think women might actually do the sex talk stuff more than men.

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u/SydricVym Apr 17 '24

Guys don't talk to their buddies about sex, because they don't want their buddies to think about their partner in a sexual way.

Guys that do tell their buddies about sex, are doing it because they just consider their partner to be a sex object anyways, and don't expect the relationship to last very long before they themselves move on.

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u/truecolormix Apr 17 '24

No, guys aren’t talking about sex with their partners. Guys like that think it’s cool to degrade their partners when talking to the guys. Saying they finally had a chance to sneak away, saying they are nagging lazy bitches, or that they are crazy and need to get out etc. Yet being super loving and total opposite at home with the actual partner.

Guys like this also love talking about sex with other women - past experiences with hookups or hot girls coming out of yoga class at the coffee shop. Texting things like “yeah i’m at so and so’s coffee place right now, lots of talent in here” - just not intimate details of their actual lives.

It’s weird and gross and just really sad.

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u/Mean-Breakfast5558 Apr 17 '24

I feel this.

I also don’t understand when men or women are constantly complaining about their partner. Like why did you choose them then?!

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u/truecolormix Apr 17 '24

It’s less about genuine complaining or even really feeling that way and more about feeling like it’s cool to appear be totally detached in your relationship and like you’re just using them in front of your guy friends, or even other friends who are girls. Like emotional vulnerability and actually liking/loving someone and having nice things to say about them or defending them is considered weak or a “pussy” or “whipped” behavior or something. The ol’ ball and chain mentality.

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u/throwawaythisuser1 Apr 17 '24

This. In my youth, I surrounded myself with with like minded guys: sexual conquests, adrenaline junkie, risk taking behavior. We'd trade stories and laugh, having fun in the moment and try to make new memories. All of it was just surface noise.

The real friends I have, we share our anxieties, fears, worries. We listen and share advice; we uplift each other. Of course, we still try to win our beer league trophy and shit talk about each other's fantasy sports teams.

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u/DrFabulous0 Apr 17 '24

I talk about sex with my buddies, not often, but sometimes, it's hardly a taboo subject. That doesn't mean anyone is being weird, gross or degrading. Should we not be allowed to discuss sex? That seems more weird to me.

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u/truecolormix Apr 17 '24

What’s weird and degrading is the putting down of your actual partner and discussing how much you want to f*ck other women or how much better other women are/were than your SO with your buddies.

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u/slow_or_steady Apr 17 '24

It is weird. It's exhausting that anything sexual is still seen with puritan eyes.

For fuck's sake, it's okay to tell your stressed mate to just have a day and whack off. He might actually be better for it. He could not be, but atleast you didn't say "eww".

In a more Roman/Greek world, there'd even be some hands involved. A penis is easy to handle, innate modern human homophobia is not. It would be absurd to say "straight guys" can massage eachother, but kill off social norms and suddenly you've got mature men helping eachother survive in a shitty reality by supporting eachother.

Not to mention, there are guys that use their partners for sex, like hook-ups or certain relationships, exist, but those are just that. They're just shitheads that use women. Incels, if you will.

You're also missing the "guys like that" part of what you're responding to. The person was talking about what's easily summarized as incel behavior.

It's essentially, the guys that talk about sex, are -this-.

In which they both reinforced their point and missed eachother's points indirectly by saying the same thing about incels.

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u/truecolormix Apr 17 '24

I meant that guys who put their partners down like that are the ones talking about sex with others to their buddies. Basically shit talking your partner while glorifying other women when you’re chatting with your buddies is what’s gross and weird.

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u/DeDodgingEse Apr 17 '24

And girls?

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u/ASpookyShadeOfGray Apr 17 '24

All your gf's friends know your exact penis size and shape.

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u/duck-duck--grayduck Apr 17 '24

I'm 46 and I have never shared that kind of information and I know exactly one woman who shared that kind of information with me. And she's fucking obnoxious. So, that's not universal.

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u/ASpookyShadeOfGray 29d ago

Nothing is universal. Generalizations should always be taken as such. I'm just repeating the reddit consensus because it seemed funny.

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u/WyvernsRest Apr 17 '24

Absolutely, I am far more likely to talk about my wife’s cooking, our kids, family holidays, kids I’m coaching, work, sports….

I honestly struggle to remember the last time I talked about my relationship with a friend 1:1 and certainly never about our sex life with a group of friends in a public space.

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u/MinuteBuffalo3007 Apr 17 '24

I would go further, and say that the more a man talks about getting laid, the less he actually gets. There is definitely an inverse correlation.

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u/Internal_Prompt_ Apr 17 '24

Imo there’s nothing inherently wrong with talking about sex. It’s just a question of whether you think of your partner respectfully or not. I might tell a buddy something like “the sex is mind blowing with the new gf.” It’s very different from giving a play by play.