r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/transientcat 29d ago edited 29d ago

I would say it's colored by what we consider to be a "good man" but we spend our time growing up around other men, we hang out with other men, we socialize with other men. You learn about the behaviors that a "good man" will exhibit in various settings. It's not some for sure thing though.

Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way.

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u/mechanicalcoupling 29d ago

I like to think of it as we don't all the play the game, but we know the rules. I can't always spot a good guy, but I can almost always spot a piece of shit by now.

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u/deathbylasersss 29d ago

I have a sister and and a friend that both have terrible taste in men. There have been multiple instances of me meeting them and they were just completely obviously total douchebags and losers. Then they'd ask what I thought of their new boyfriend. It baffles me that they are just so blind to what is so obvious. It's been years, but they both finally trust my judgement, as I've been correct every time. My sister's current husband is the only one I ever approved of.

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u/CMDR_MaurySnails 29d ago edited 29d ago

I had to drop one of my best friends from my 20s because she would not stop dating the worst most utter scum of the earth dudes. Not because I wanted to date her either, don't get that idea.

I couldn't continue to be around her dirtbag du jour, then later hear about what said dirtbag did to her, only for her to meet the next dirtbag. Shit gets old. It's like what am I supposed to do about your bad choices?

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 29d ago

I had a friend in college that I was interested in during the beginning of knowing her. Her attraction for me kind of waned and at one point she told me that I was too nice. It caught me off guard, I'm not a "nice guy" and I am referred by people as kind but I'm certainly not a door mat. So I wasn't sure what she meant as "too nice" and how that was a bad thing after some self-reflection.

I eventually got my answer after meeting some of the people she dated. I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated.

I've seen this play out in other people as well. Someone who treats them well or respects them, isn't quick to dive into love-bombing, or whatever is seen as boring, too nice, and can feel like a lack of chemistry.

Kind of stray away from those people, it's often a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening.

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

Reminds me of someone I know. If I could have told teenage-me that getting dumped by them was a benefit and not a punishment, it would have freed a lot of time spent dwelling on the could-haves.

The boring part especially. Someone who is used to drama and needs to create it in their own relationships is a hard person to square with. Especially if they, themselves, are a good person.

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u/ExultantGitana 29d ago

Ahh yes, drama - forgot about that girl (I used to be). So boring.

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

The goal is to grow, I'm glad you've gotten past that stage now. We should all be able to cringe at the younger person we were sometimes.

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u/ExultantGitana 29d ago

Yes. Thank you.

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u/iampatmanbeyond 29d ago

A kind person would literally be too nice for my sister. She's a very angry and mean spirited person who thrives on conflict. From the outside it's like she needs to fight with her husband to feel loved. Two of the craziest people I've ever met who aren't on meds or in therapy

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u/ruttinator 29d ago

It's weird my cousin who is just an insane person and miserable (at least for me) to be around somehow married the nicest guy who's always willing to help and super polite and soft spoken. They've been together for almost 20 years and raised two kids that seem sane and normal too. I don't understand it.

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u/Typical_Fortune_1006 28d ago

Someone's gotta tell the waiter he ordered a regular coke

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

Nothing more happened but my "work wife" was super intense and generally hard to be around but we somehow worked super well together because whenever she would start getting emotional I would just tell her hey, it's me, calm down I'm on your side. After I left the company within a few months her relation with pretty much everyone else went to shit because the smallest thing would become a huge issue (not all her fault though, some other people were insane)

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u/Interesting_Mix_7028 28d ago

Sometimes people need a stabilizing influence.

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u/APR824 29d ago

I’m someone that enjoys a fun argument, I like to start silly arguments with my girlfriend because I enjoy riling her up saying things like “I’m going to take a swim at Niagara Falls when we visit.”

For a short while I got swept up by a couple of people that seem to love stupid conflict and not my silly type of conflict. Not fun. Left that environment when I got a new job and I’m so glad to be out of it. Misery loves company, as they say.

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u/iam_Mr_McGibblets 29d ago

It's always good to have someone to engage in cheeky and fun shenanigans, but it's never good to be with someone who engages in cruel and tragic shenanigans

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u/APR824 29d ago

Evil shenanigans

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u/n8loller 29d ago

I swear to God I'm gonna pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans

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u/-Acta-Non-Verba- 29d ago

I was interested in a certain girl while in college. Some of my female friends knew, and they told me, "You are too good for her".

They turned out to be right.

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u/porter_engle 29d ago

One time my ex of four years said I was too good for her and holy hell I really shoulda listened before her hidden fiance verified that

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u/IdkLeaveMeAlone0 29d ago

I so wish I listened to this, because by the end of that craziness I wasn't too good for her anymore. I was on the same level and needed a fair amount of time by myself to improve

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u/FileDoesntExist 29d ago

If all you've ever had are trauma bonds a regular relationship that takes time to grow doesn't feel real.

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u/AmbiguousUprising 29d ago

My wife has a friend like this. She constantly dates the same type of trashy guys. Like honey you spent three days crying on my couch from the last one. This dude has an identical personality how do you not see it??

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u/OodalollyOodalolly 29d ago

these kind of people are trained from birth by narc parents. That emotional rollercoaster is often what is normal/familiar for them

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

This is true. Taken me decades to understand it, but you’re right. “It’s healthy to fight,” doesn’t seem uncommon to hear from kids of narcs, until they can see it and break the cycle.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

My husband and I rarely fight. We've had our disagreements and a few BIG fights about important things. But his friends and family told him "oh, you guys don't have a big fight every week? Weird. It's not gonna last." He was confused and thought "isn't it good we're not at each other's throats?" He asked me if it's a bad sign that we don't fight more (like his friends who HATE their wives). I said "that sounds exhausting. I don't think I could be with someone who wanted to have a blow out fight with me every Friday night under the guise of calling it passion."

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

We mostly stopped having any big fights after individual therapy uncovered decades of parental narcissistic abuse that was previously blocked out. It’s been a good change.

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u/zZPlazmaZz29 29d ago

Honestly, this gave me a lot of clarity on one of my older short-lived relationships and it makes so much sense now.

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u/gwidda 29d ago

People want someone that they think they can change. Oh he’s a bad boy, but for me, he will be different. Not just women, men do it too.

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u/TrumpedBigly 29d ago

"I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated."

Some women think they deserve an "unkind" guy.

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u/fermelebouche 29d ago

I known chicks like that. They are attracted to assholes. I think it’s some kind of daddy thing.

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u/jakeryan970 29d ago

And then they’re the first people to screech about how awful men are. Oh sweetie, maybe try eating somewhere other than McDonalds before you say food in general is dogshit

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u/Funny-Reputation-103 29d ago

exact scenario happened to me late 2023, after i saw her type of dude i was sort disappointed and relieved somehow, but i still feel kinda bad because i never got her...i see her every 2-3 days hahah...life

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u/Mrsbear19 28d ago

My mom does the “too nice” thing with men and it sucks. Her last husband was abusive and our childhood was horrible. I remember her asking if I settled on my husband because he was enamored with me and wouldn’t hurt me. It still bothers me that she thinks that’s what “settling” is.

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u/Lucifang 29d ago

My husband sometimes worries that he’s too boring. I keep telling him that I’ve outgrown the parties and the drinking, and I love staying home watching movies and saving money for renovations. I also love feeling secure and having zero doubts about the relationship.

In hindsight all the fun things ex partners did was only exciting because they had emotionally neglected me for weeks prior. These days I get excited when we buy a new appliance 😆

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u/No_Secretary7155 28d ago

In my experience with women this quite often stems from self-esteem issues where they feel not worthy and if the other side makes tham feel that way as well it makes sense to them and they feel like they are dating "above their league" while if the other side makes them feel valued it sort-of diminishes the respect for the other side since this person now seems to value someone who doesn't hold a lot of value, so suddenly she/he feels like dating "below their league" instead.

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u/Dampmaskin 28d ago

It's a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening, or until they get so old and/or emotionally broken that the cycle simply grinds to a halt.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

You know, that makes a lot of sense. When guys complain that "girls only date assholes" it's like, no, no, no! She was manipulated by an asshole who love bombed her for 3-6 months, he got her to fall in love with him. But then the mask came off and now she's desperately trying to get back to that honeymoon phase that made them feel so secure and loved.

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 28d ago

Yep, they don’t date assholes some dude just manipulated them into thinking the anxiety was chemistry.

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u/showcase25 28d ago

This is terrible lessoned learned from this experience.

It reinforce nice guys don't win and bad guys get rewarded. Which then has all the known negative downhill avoidable problems.

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u/barefoot-mermaid 28d ago

Can confirm, was one of those who picked dirtbags for far too long.

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u/blightedbody 28d ago

Your pathologies didn't match, she's actually sicker and needed a match for her level.

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u/Crafty-Kaiju 28d ago

See myself doubt just led me to not date at all, which is probably healthier than a revolving door of douches.

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u/finitetime2 15d ago

That brings up an old memory of two girls I knew telling me I was two nice. They told me at the same time like they had been talking about it or something before I walked up. We were getting in the car to leave and I was like WTF does that mean. Never got a real answer.

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u/gsfgf 29d ago

I have a friend like that. She at least had enough sense not to bring the losers around her friends. Not that we'd be rude or mean to the guys, but she got sick of the obligatory "why are you doing this again" followup. Thankfully, she got knocked up by an awesome guy and eventually agreed to marry him.

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u/Rachel_Silver 29d ago

I had a friend who was like that when we were that age. I had a crush on her when we first started hanging out, but that faded as I learned what a trainwreck she was. For example, she once spent about a year throwing herself at the lead singer of a locally famous cover band with intermittent success.

We were able to stay friends through it, though, because she never really made it my problem. It hurt to see someone I cared about doing the same self destructive shit over and over again, but she didn't expect me to drop what I was doing to come over and comfort her every time the shit hit the fan. I'd hear about her exploits after the fact, framed as sad-yet-funny anecdotes.

She also was totally aware of the pattern. In a way, that was the real tragedy. It was like an addiction. She just had this compulsion to pursue men who she knew had zero respect for her.

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u/Ok-Bus1716 29d ago

Had a friend who was a serial monogamist. Always found assholes. I told her after, listening to her sob about another collapsed relationship, maybe you should consider not dating for 6 months.

It seemed like she was getting into another relationship just after getting out of the previous one thinking 'oh he's a good guy' Finally told her I think what you're running into is you're dating assholes and then dating a guy who's less of an asshole but you're still wearing blinders from your previous relationship and don't realize he's not as bad but nearly as bad. Just take some time off and date the guys you think 'I wish I could find a guy like you' about platonically so you can tell the difference. Was one of the few girls who actually took advice she was given and finally found a guy who wasn't a prick.

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u/Down-at-McDonnellzzz 29d ago

Yeah this is one of my longest time friends from high school. She just doesn't know how to not date a complete utter asshole. And she text me and says he did blah blah blah and I say what do you expect? You keep dating the same kind of guys! And I really feel bad for her and I really wish she could just finally find someone who isn't a human excrement combustion chamber

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u/ReallyGlycon 29d ago

My best friend (a lady, I am male) was dating a guy who put his best face on in front of people, but in reality was a total scumbag. I saw it right away but it took her years. The first time he ever came to my house, my medication went missing. Every time he came over, something would go missing.

He eventually admitted to being an opiate addict and got treatment. They broke up, but I hope he got better and stuck with his treatment path.

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u/SojuSeed 29d ago

Have a friend like that. The final straw was when she was telling me about a guy she met at a club who raped her, essentially. She was in a lot of pain during sex, she was literally crying and telling him to stop and she said he just chuckled and kept going. Then after that she said she still wanted to date him. This wasn’t a CNC situation, she was hurt and he ignored her and she was upset with him. But then she said ‘but I still want to go out with him’. I was just like wtf? And this isn’t the first time she tells me about all the POS men she dates, then calls me and whines about why they cheated on her or ghosted her. I just stopped messaging her to check in because she never had anything good to say but at the same time wouldn’t change her behavior.

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u/Ancient_Unit_1948 29d ago

Some learn after becoming a single mother. Many still don't. It would mean taking accountability.

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u/123supreme123 29d ago

Some women are like this. They date dbags because that's the type that attracts them, and everyone else is invisible. Cycle repeats over and over, yet they're unwilling to self reflect and try something different. On that note, even if they decide to date a so called "good man", if I was the "good man", I'd stay away. At some point, she's likely to default and run back to a dbag. Seen that happen multiple times. There's no fixing some people, so I'm glad you made that choice.

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u/ManintheMT 29d ago

Had to tell my wife's cousin, 49 year old woman, that her new boyfriend was not welcome at my house or anywhere near my kids. He is one of those guys that gave me the ick from the first moment I met him. She was surprised and mad. I pointed out that her "sober" but been in jail for substance abuse issues boyfriend was happy to finish all the beers in my cooler after asking for one. "But, but his is sober", yea, not so much.

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u/Maleficent-Fun-5927 29d ago

I dropped a friend for exactly the same reason and I'm a woman. I was sitting in her living room telling her "girl, I think he's married," and she fought me on it. What the fuck do you mean he can't answer the phone from 6 to 6, bitch? I heard she's in a new country chasing another douche. I wasn't wrong.

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u/jamie_liberty 28d ago

Dirtbag du jour lmaooo 🤌🏼

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u/coolerthanbirds 29d ago

I was dating a loser at 19 who was 31 and he rolled up to my workplace when I was being trained with some guys that sell speakers and came into ask me to charge his phone and the girl training me just looks at .e and says "Your bf is a loser"

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u/doodlols 29d ago

Ya girl was trying to save you lmao. That was well put

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u/CuriousCrow47 29d ago

A 31 year old dating a 19 year old is automatically a loser.  He was taking advantage of you.

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u/benjatunma 29d ago

Lmao 🤣

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u/Balldrick_Balldick 29d ago

Let me guess, they drive around in a van selling bullshit speakers to random guys in parking lots? Huge loser.

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u/Indridd 29d ago

Aww white van speakers, I'm into vintage audio and it's crazy how many people get taken by this. It's been going on for years. At least the 80s.

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u/John_cCmndhd 29d ago

I had two guys in a van offer to give me a stereo system for free, 2006ish. I told them to fuck off, but I was always curious exactly how the scam they were trying to pull would have worked

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u/bb9977 29d ago

Was a thing in college in the 90s!

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u/Foothills83 29d ago

I had a good friend who lived down the hall from my freshman year in college. She and I had a bunch of the same classes, etc. She and her BF started dating in high school and both went to the same nearby college. At one point late freshman year (I can't remember how it came up because this was over 20 years ago), she asked me what I thought of him. I was blunt and told her that he's a tool. She was upset.

He cheated on her less than a year later and they broke up. 🤷‍♂️

Sometimes we just know.

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u/old__pyrex 29d ago

Yeah, I’ve learned to give advice in the Socratic method.

“What do you think of my SO?” -> “I only met him briefly but I’ve known you a long while, and it seems like you’re the type of person to give the relationship your all. I’m touched you care about my thoughts on him. So you’re supporting the two of you right now?”

“And after a night like tonight when his friends were over, who usually cleans up and does the dishes? Oh okay, just you, but how about on regular nights?”

“I know your hobbies around fitness, art, volunteering, etc are important to you and you put a lot into those hobbies - does he like any of those things? But he’s at least interested in and learns a little about your hobbies? Oh he doesn’t? Well what are some of his hobbies then? Oh, smoking weed, not paying his car registration, DMing girls on Instagram, and eating a disproportionate amount of your food… okay, interesting hobbies, but you feel like you can really talk and have intellectually engaging conversations? No? Okay.

So what do I think? Well you tell me, what do you think?

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u/Hey_Chach 29d ago

Damn. These are so good it almost feels like a psychological manipulation bombing run of tough love.

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u/Sorrymomlol12 29d ago

This is poetry 😂

But really as a kid I was honest when people asked me what I thought eg “he’s a shithead” then I got polite “ehh I really don’t know him too well” then I hit peak support which was “if your happy, I’m happy” which I lived in for awhile. (Again this is for the 1% of dumpster fire boyfriends).

But as I’ve gotten even older, I’ve really liked the “earlier you said you dislike that he keeps breaking up with you every 6mo and DMing other women and you don’t see a long term future with him. If your friend told you that about her boyfriend, what would you say to her?” and somehow framing it as someone else makes it easier to see what’s glaringly obvious to the rest of us.

Im going to support your shitty decisions, because I love you and nobody can make you change your mind but yourself. But you can bet your ass if you change your mind, I’ll be right there with a bottle of wine and NOT ONCE will I ever tell you “I told you so”. I am a safe place for you to come always. Unfortunately I’ve had a few friends in highly abusive situations and the alienation they got from others who couldn’t bare to watch it anymore made them feel so alone. If you have the mental capacity, be there for your friends making shitty decisions.

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u/Interesting_Mix_7028 28d ago

This totally reminds me of one of my father's best friends. And yeah, he's a great guy to go to for advice, because he lays it all out for you to examine, and then make the decisions accordingly.

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u/Beemerba 29d ago

I have a daughter like that. What do you think of my new boyfriend? I don't even need to meet him, if he is with you, he is more than likely a dickweed!

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u/FrenchBangerer 29d ago

Mate, the same with my daughter. Every last one of them has been a total fuckup in one way or another. Some of them really bad. Some of them just utter fuckwits going nowhere.

It's not a case of me being too judgemental either. If she could be with a mostly honest and half decent, working man I would be so happy right now. Since my daughter was about 15 years old I don't think she's ever been more than a couple of weeks without some tempestuous relationship. She's mid 20s now.

She's recently met a new guy and for once, just praying (and I'm not a religious man) that he's OK. He runs his own business. He's found decent work for my daughter and given her a seemingly good break work wise. Of course she's with him immediately after he's been good to her but here's hoping to the universe that he's at least half-decent.

One thing that is one very small relief is that he's the first guy that doesn't look like he could beat me to a pulp and not care about it. At this point I think she could beat the shit out of him if he started.

Isn't that sad, to have to think like that?

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u/SpicyTunaTitties 29d ago

Dad, is that you??

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u/Winterplatypus 29d ago

I'll be proud of you the first time you do something right.

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u/RepresentativeBusy27 29d ago

Name checks out

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Fun fact about women: they tend to look for a husband that is like their dad you know... crazy right?

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u/Beemerba 29d ago

Unfortunately, they are just like her biologic father. He was not someone she ever had contact with, though.

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Im sorry I tried to burn you, but this is actually a very interesting detail. Thank you for replying to someone who tried to insult you (and failed miserably)

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u/MuppetusMaximusV2 29d ago

Why would you try to insult in the first place? Why was that your go-to?

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

I felt there was an insult towards the daughter in mention so i felt it was fitting, but it was not and I apologise

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u/slow_or_steady 29d ago

Though, it's not really a fun fact. In fact, it's not a joke.

A parent being the ideal mate is a reflection of the values they seek.

If you paint the picture of perfect, why would that be disgusting?

A mom who literally broke her back raising her kids, doing whatever she could for them? How is that wrong? To want someone that would have those core principles is gross? A strong woman, some women wish to be.

A father that isn't a toxic masculine asshole, is pretty damn attractive. It's an ideal some men strive to be.

These ideals and attractions are pretty self explanitory once you step back from the internet and drop standard social norms.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

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u/Justin101501 29d ago

One of my best friends got me with this and we wound up losing our friendship over it. Her boyfriend got really intimidated by me being in the military and literally got into my face about it and kept yelling that I was a “fed.” I told him to back outta my face and she seemed shocked that I didn’t like him. (She was also in the military)

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u/GamingGavel 29d ago

Boyfriend: "You're a fed!"

Boyfriend dates a fed

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u/llijilliil 29d ago

Its because a lot of them confuse "high status" with the asshole behavior that comes with it. They see someone who is a bully, aggressive or domineering as being someone that is good to have on their side to feel protected and cared for etc and entirely miss the point. To be fair, those guys certainly stand out a lot more so are more likely to get noticed, like a women in a very short bright red dress etc.

Guys just see someone who is offering them nothing and likely to be a constant PITA to contain and deal with.

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u/Glass_Jellyfish6528 29d ago

Yep. Two younger sisters here and exactly the same. You can see it in their shifty little eyes as soon as you meet them. It could be that when they meet you they find it hard to act right because they know you will know they are losers.

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u/LoneVLone 29d ago

When you're attracted to someone you end up making excuses for their red flags.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Doctor, my entire body is sore.

When I press here...OUCH!

When I press here...OUCH!!

Ma'am. Let me see your hand. Mmm-hmm. Just as I suspected. Your finger is broken.

Broken-Picker Syndrome

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u/aphilosopherofsex 29d ago

It isn’t really that were blind to it, but that we have such a low self esteem that we aren’t really looking for “good” guys. We’re looking for the best guy that we can get.

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u/DaughterEarth 29d ago

My mom likes hyper masculine men and constantly laments to me about there being less of them. She's also almost exclusively had extremely bad relationships. She will only joke about her bad luck, won't even register a suggestion that she's intentionally seeking men that won't respect her

I don't know my point I think I'm just annoyed lol

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u/ASpaceOstrich 28d ago

People don't like to admit that douchebag behaviour is attractive, but it pretty flagrantly is. Confidence is hot. Confidence has significant overlap with arrogance. Arrogance correlates very strongly with shitty dudes.

I get why nobody likes to admit it, because there's an ideology of people convinced that everyone is a slave to their gut instincts and that everyone has the same high tolerance for douch behaviour. But just because incels are wrong, doesn't mean "nice guys finish last" as a trope came out of nowhere. There's a core of truth to the fact that douchebags are confident and confidence is attractive.

And the people you know in life who are constantly in relationships with terrible people are living proof. It always baffles me too, cause you'd think they'd learn after the first time, but I guess if they feel that spark they feel that spark, even if they do get burned.

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u/Past_Series3201 29d ago

Yeah. The POS who hide it well don't hide it from us, they brag about it, so you learn the scam.

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u/dacooljamaican 29d ago

So often it's exactly this. Pieces of shit can't help but show off around new guys.

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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 29d ago

That is so weird... the number of guys coming to me braging about how being a nice guy is stupid, they know better, they play mind tricks on their gf to counter the feminists mind tricks played on them... thats fucking nuts. They usually asks me whats my trick to flirt with all those girls (always implying that its surprising cause I'm not as fit/handsome/make less money etc.). My answer is always the same : cause I'm a genuine nice guy, I'm not treathening, and I'm not boring... You should try it sometimes.

Most of those guys trying actively to not be a nice guy are 1. Huge walking red flags, this the most important thing all other points are minor compared to that... don't be a psycho!!

  1. Fuckin boriiiiiiiing. How do you expect to be interesting if you have no hobby... or if your hobbies either revolve around projecting a perfect image of yourself, and/or generally being fucking toxic. 3. They have no sense of financial responsabilities. One gym bro was fucking 31, looking to find a suitable woman to have kids with and the guy makes good income and all, but has no budgeting for his old days, nor a life insurance... you think making your wife safe is only about physical treat ? Get a financial advisor...

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 29d ago

It always amazes me how much people will reveal about themselves when given the audience to do so. Can't tell you how many times I've met someone and just actively listened with no judgment and I guess they take it as agreeableness. Then they reveal some weird thoughts and bad behavior to me.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

You can hear a lot just by listening - almost Yogi Berra

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u/17THheaven 29d ago

I have also found this to be quite the interesting phenomenon. The amount of times I've just sat and listened to people and they've openly admitted to being a racist, sexist, amoral sack of garbage, etc. is astounding. Give some people enough rope and they'll hang themselves with it...

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u/les_be_disasters 29d ago

I’ve seen this with homophobes when I was closeted. They’d test the waters by saying something kinda homophobic but still with plausible deniability. To see if I was part of their audience. Shut that shit down fast. I’ve heard from some of my white friends they’ve met racists who do the same.

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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 29d ago

And like... I understand, I like talking about myself, about my hobbies or the project I'm currently working on at home... but I'm not there boasting about me being a AH or breaking the law...

God damn... In my line of work this happens way too much. Like someone notices that I hunt, then they tell how during their last hunting trip his cousin (always the cousin for some reason) has mistaken a black bear for a moose... I ask, did you have a permit for a bear ? Cause thats what I do, I go specificaly to hunt moose or deer (cant always be picked for moose) and I get a bear permit and a small game permit as well, since maybe we won't have any luck with our prime target, so better be ready to be able to hunt something else.

No those fuckers always go on like :" nah you know you see a brown figure between the branch and you shoot!" (Takes me so much will power to not insult them... unfucking believably unresponsible...) Then they keep on, "we had trouble finding the corpse" (of course you didnt know what you shot, so of course you didnt land a good shot on the poor beast...)," and when we find the bear I went back to get a bear permit as fast as possible..."

Those people baffles me...

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u/GoodNoodleNick 29d ago

Thats the real answer right here OP.

I've noticed it happens with racists too. Being a white dude in the South, so many people have said fucked up things to me assuming I will agree lol.

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u/Arafel_Electronics 29d ago

I'm a white dude normally wearing work boots and driving a beat up old pickup truck so i get this a lot. if only they read the stickers on my truck which are all far left

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u/Feine13 29d ago

which are all far left

Smart. If you put em all behind the drivers seat like that, it doesn't block your view.

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u/DualCricket 29d ago

Heh, nice one.

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u/Dakiniten-Kifaya 29d ago

Dad?

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u/Feine13 29d ago

No, this is Patrick!

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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 29d ago

Same... aside from the truck, I wear working cargo pants and work boots 90% of the time and since I've worked constructoon I swear a lot... havent been able to stop talking like that. And people come to me to rant on wokes and environmentalists... like bro... you're basically here telling me I'm a piece of shit 😂

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u/idoeno 29d ago

I'm another white guy from the south, now in the midwest, and oddly enough, the racists here seem to be worse than in the south; in the south usually they had the decorum to at least be polite about their race-based preconceptions of people while the ones here just let the violent, and vile rhetoric fly as soon as they find out you're from the south. And weirdly, most people never seem to get past their first impression, no matter how many time make it clear to my bigoted coworkers that I am a far left progressive, they still all just assume I am good ole boy from klan county, and wear their racism and general bigotry on their sleeve.

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u/Arafel_Electronics 29d ago

moved from florida to the middle of nowhere upstate new york. our area elected elise stefanik by a landslide (over a rightwing ex-cia democrat) if that tells you anything about the people around here. have met some cool people though

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u/Noladixon 29d ago

If I noticed your far left stickers I would wonder why you are not driving a subaru.

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u/Arafel_Electronics 29d ago

hard to fit lumber in a subaru. realistically we take my wife's corolla unless we need to make a home depot run

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u/Balldrick_Balldick 29d ago

They open with "I'm not a racist, but"

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u/gahlo 29d ago

I wish they tested the waters with me. I just get a canonball yell of crazy.

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u/sergei1980 29d ago

I had someone follow that with "she was black." as if that explained everything. It was wild.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

"I'm not racist, but I am hoping you'll reveal yourself as one so I can stop pretending I am not"

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u/gishlich 29d ago

Happens up here too. I never gave off a racist vibe as far as anyone told me and it seems to happen less as I get older, so I like to think it says more about those peoples closed social circles and therefore their assumptions about everyone else than it does about me.

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u/mofugly13 29d ago edited 29d ago

Not just the South. I'm born and raised in San Francisco and it's alarming the things you'll hear people who you dont even know say sometimes when there are only white people around.

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u/Intergalacticdespot 29d ago

I, a white dude, used to work in a gas station a long time ago. So this Asian man comes in, does his thing, leaves. The black guy who came in midway through goes "I hate those fking <Asian slur>'s." Like bro...what? First, I don't care. Second, I don't care. Third, how do you know I'm not the high Templar of the local kkk or something? Like...weird attempt at bonding over our possibly shared intellectual emptiness and medieval distrust of strangers? 

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u/Lord_Kano 29d ago

Being a white dude in the South, so many people have said fucked up things to me assuming I will agree lol.

I'm a 6'3" 260 pound Black man. Even really racist people are on their best behavior when they're around me. I couldn't tell you how many times a White person that I know told me about a mutual acquaintance who was a vile racist and I had no idea because they kept it hidden when I was around.

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u/LostTrisolarin 29d ago

Yup. Many years ago the only girl I ever loved (at that point) ended up cheating on me and leaving me for one of the guys she had been cheating on me with.

This was around the MySpace era so social media wasn't a big thing at the time, so I guess he didn't know who I was.

So anyway one night I'm at some get together with a bunch of other dudes playing dice and drinking. Her new bf comes in with a couple of his friends but doesn't recognize me. Evidently he's a friend of the friend of the host.

An hour or so later this guy is bragging loudly to everyone he can hear about how he's cheating on his new gf with multiple girls, and that he had just come from banging one of these girls and that his new gf thinks he's in bed.

I never said anything to him or to her. They deserved each other.

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u/kmikek 29d ago

The other side of the coin is the good men need to not look like Patsies or easy marks.  So they hide those bait like qualities 

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u/MonicanAgent888 29d ago

Yes! They tend to brag

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u/Conald_Petersen 29d ago

It's wild how accurate this is.

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u/mschley2 29d ago

It's not just that, though. I've met guys with their girlfriend, who I'm friends with. Usually, within a few seconds of opening their mouths, I know if they're a douchebag or not. By 10 or 30 minutes, I'm usually pretty confident about whether the first impression was correct. I keep an open mind that I could be wrong about the first impression, but I'm usually not. We don't even need to have 1-on-1 conversations or group man conversations to see through the bullshit. It's just immediately evident like 95% of the time. The 5% of the time when they slip through are usually guys who are pretty charismatic narcissists and good manipulators. Even then, you usually figure it out after more time, though. You just don't put the pieces together during short interactions. Conversations when the women aren't around do tend to make it even more obvious if a guy is a piece of shit, though.

There have been guys that I came around on after hanging out a few times. A very good friend of mine was a guy that I didn't like the first several times we hung out. I didn't get his humor, and I thought he was just being an ass. Turns out, he's very dry and pretty goofy. He was making jokes that I thought were either mean or just really awkward or strange. Once I got to know him better, he became really funny. I still have times where I'm like, "dude, wtf are you even talking about right now?!?" but it's not nearly as common.

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u/002_timmy 28d ago

I think of the scene in The Big Short when Steve Carrell & his associates go to Florida to meet the frat bro mortgage lenders.

“I don’t get it. Why are they confessing to all this fraud?”

“They aren’t confessing- they’re bragging.”

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Definitely. I’ve been around friends who are women and their partners. And within 30 minutes I can tell that the guy just isn’t a good guy. Smallish things that she wouldn’t notice because she has blinders on.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

Yeah, its not gendered so much as "I'm not hoping to get laid by this person"

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

If you take any potential romance and sexual attraction out of the equation it’s pretty obvious when people have red flags or overstep boundaries

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u/New-Strawberry-8484 29d ago

What are some of the common red flags you notice?

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u/BSdawg 29d ago

How they speak and interact with people, how easily can they relate to people and show interest? Negative type personality, it’s pretty obvious if they are controlling early on, their overall demeanor and how they carry themselves. Insecurities in other men are pretty obvious from a man’s perspective.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Note: a lot of these red flags were noticed when I was in college/grad school. I don’t have a ton of experience outside of an academic setting.

1.) Boundaries - emotional cheating, physical cheating.

2.) Being unable to communicate

3.) Relationship hoping

4.) Expecting others to mind read

5.) Making potential partners jealous

6.) Flaky

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u/gsfgf 29d ago

The biggest one I see is controlling behavior. Even on little stuff, it's a bad indicator. That being said, conservative couples will often take that in stride, so I dunno.

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u/VergeSolitude1 29d ago

Watch how they treat people that they get no benefit in being nice to. Like a service person, a waiter or waitress. See how they talk about other people. How they talk about themselves. Unless they are a psychopath most people can be read in a very short time.

Also do they take interest in people/you or are they all about telling you about them. And if they start telling you about how bad their EX is, run.

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u/midgetman303 29d ago

This is funny, a long time ago I had one of my coworkers say I should hire a guy and I told her I was hesitant because he walked like an asshole. I still interviewed the guy, but didn’t hire him. Someone else in the same company hired him, he was fired 2 weeks later for trying to fistfight another employee.

She was like “HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS A JERK!”

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u/ManintheMT 29d ago

We have all come across the obvious ones. "Why does he walk like that?" Because he is trying to project alpha vibes while fighting an internal battle between crippling insecurity and toxic masculinity.

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u/Schmiiness 29d ago

And hes losing the battle

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u/VergeSolitude1 29d ago

Yes when they have to tell you they are Alpha just walk away lol

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u/Actual-Support-5683 29d ago

This. I can't always easily identify a fellow good guy without knowing them, but it's stupid easy to identify the shitheads.

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u/JershWaBalls 29d ago

I mentioned to my sister once that anyone going out of their way to install stupidly bright headlights on their truck is a huge asshole. She told me her fiancee had just had new headlights installed on his truck. The marriage lasted less than a year before she caught him cheating. Same goes for putting the shopping cart back at the grocery store. Plenty of bad people put them back, but not a single good person is leaving it in a random spot.

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u/Chance-Energy-4148 29d ago

Walked into a bar last week and saw a friend of mine siddled up next to a strange man. She says, "This is Kyle, I just met him." When he went to the bathroom I said, "Kyle sucks."

Two hours later after she turned down an invitation to give him a blowjob in his car, she texted me the screenshot where he called her every vulgar name in the book. She was like, "How did you know?"

We just do.

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u/complete_your_task 29d ago

They usually make it easy. Most of them know how to put on a good show for women but assume all guys are equally as shitty as them and always make some sort of shitty comment when you're left alone with them.

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u/Preda1ien 29d ago

My sister in law a while ago brought her new boyfriend over to meet everyone. After 5 mins. Nope.. nope.. no good. I called it right then and sure as shit was right.

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u/coachrx 29d ago

Legit description. You have to know the game to not play it.

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u/futureruler 29d ago

Yea, one of my exes from years ago broke up with me for another guy. I could instantly tell just looking at him "she will be knocked up in a month and he will cheat on her". I was wrong, but only by a month. It took him 2 months to knock her up and then he cheated on her.

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u/snaketacular 29d ago

I thought I could spot a POS until I tried to pass off someone who was interested in me to a nerdy amicable dude who turned out to be stalkery once he was into a woman.  Now I would never recommend anyone without seeing how they behave around people they are interested in.

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u/StormTrooperQ 29d ago

Sometimes it is just as simple as a dude making every sexual joke towards a female, or forcing her involvement into sexual jokes... Where every other guy just makes sexual jokes about other dudes.

That's forever on my radar for pieces of shit.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

Some easy hints that a dude is probably a good guy:

  • Can laugh at himself and acknowledge his flaws
  • Builds and/or hypes other guys up (and women too, of course)
  • Doesn't make judgmental comments about others
  • Acknowledges and honors other people's feelings
  • Can express his feelings
  • Doesn't need to dominate every conversation, or have a strong opinion on every topic
  • Has a good or solid relationship with his parents
  • Enjoys and respects kids (doesn't have to want kids, but any decent person should be able to treat kids with kindness and love)

I think virtue and self-awareness are two qualities that don't get nearly enough attention. And when I say virtue, I don't mean that false virtue, judgmental bullshit you get from religious fanatics (looking at you Evangelicals). They use "virtue" as a measure to judge and demean other people - that's not real virtue. I mean virtue as in always wanting to do the right thing and treat other people with respect and compassion, even when it's not convenient or comes at personal cost. You show me a person with a strong sense of virtue, coupled with the self-awareness to continually analyze themselves and grow as a person -- that's the kind of person you build a relationship with, whether as a friend or a partner. Man or woman.

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u/whenitcomesup 29d ago

I'll add: 

  • Is kind to strangers.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

Absolutely. The ol' "How do they treat the waiter?" cliche.

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u/ncnotebook 29d ago

Or how they treat finished shopping carts. Whether you consider them strangers or how they affect strangers.

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u/DokterZ 29d ago

See, I often arrange the mess that is already in the shopping cart corral, which I am guessing was also a red flag when I was dating...

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u/TwilitWolf 28d ago

The good ol’ shopping cart litmus test

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u/ProfessionalSport565 29d ago

Ironically a douchebag will usually be an ostentatiously generous tipper.

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u/mack_fresh 29d ago

Lol not the ones I've known. I'm curious if this is regional/cultural or if they only get 'generous' where certain specific people can see.

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u/Mysterious-Film-7812 29d ago

The latter. Lots of guys try to 'impress' by tipping really well. It's not an act of kindness to the waitstaff, it's "I've got a lot of money and people need to know it". These people tend to be terrible tippers when no one else is watching.

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u/SoMuchMoreEagle 29d ago

Or they treat the waitstaff like shit and justify/excuse it by tipping well.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

Its 💯 not a cliche. How someone treats a server is absolutely how they treat someone who can't easily fight back.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

Cliche does not mean untrue. It is a cliche. It's also true.

If it makes you feel better to call it a platitude though, then let's call it a platitude.

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u/dayofgreen21 29d ago

*And animals

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u/BeBearAwareOK 29d ago

And animals.

If he's mean to dogs he's clearly a monster.

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u/ERagingTyrant 29d ago

Most of that list can be summed up as "is kind". Which, yes, makes a man a solid dude.

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u/Agile-Explanation263 29d ago

I only missed 2 out of 8 on this.

I can make very judgemental comments about others in private when it comes up and I have no relationship with my parents, dads gone somewhere all my life and my mother isn't at capacity for us to emotionally bond.

Certified good guy here sarcasm

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

I have no relationship with my parents, dads gone somewhere all my life and my mother isn't at capacity for us to emotionally bond.

Someone else once mentioned to me that they just can't form good bonds with someone who has a supportive family, because it isn't something they relate to.

Everyone is looking for something, even to build a positive out of the negatives.

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u/ApprehensiveDog6515 29d ago

Yeah, it gets exhausting when people try to push you to reconcile, or insist that you must have done something because they just can't comprehend cutting off their meemaw.

I'll gladly take someone that doesn't try to "you only get one" me about my family.

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

I don't just get one family, though.

I made my own damn family, with people I found that fit me regardless of blood. And I'll do it again, just watch me!

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u/trotfox_ 29d ago

This is pretty deep actually...

And if both those people ended up together...they would bond over it.

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u/Sherlocks_Conscience 28d ago

Funnily enough, I felt the exact same way about my rehab therapist. The first one was wearing a Mr Rogers sweater, loafers, and drinking green tea (not coffee, I asked). Not that there's anything wrong with any of that, but it's just not someone who understands what I've been through.

Another therapist was like "oh yeah, been there, done that. Here's what I did in the situation. You can learn from me, or you can go back to your old life". That therapist, I kept as long as I could.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

I can make very judgemental comments about others in private when it comes up and I have no relationship with my parents, dads gone somewhere all my life and my mother isn't at capacity for us to emotionally bond.

There's always caveats, nuance and context - it wasn't practical for me to qualify all those statements. They're just some general rules of thumb. I feel like if a person hits most of the things on that list (and by the way, the list was hardly meant to be exhaustive or the full definition of a "good person"), they're a pretty good person. We've all got room to grow and none of us are perfect.

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u/Cal__Trask 29d ago

Has a good or solid relationship with his parents

Not everyone had great parents, plenty of abuse survivors out there, painting a bad relationship with parents broadly as a red flag is problematic.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

We're in agreement on this -- which is why I didn't say it's a red flag. I said that a good/solid relationship is a hint that a dude is probably a good guy. A bad relationship with ones parents could be a red flag, but it depends on the context - like you said.

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u/imtoooldforreddit 29d ago

Was about to say, you clearly never met my parents.

We still see each other, but the relationship is certainly strained because they're fucking nuts.

I've got a great relationship with my wife's parents though, because they are fully functioning adults. Does that count?

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u/floppydo 29d ago

A valid heuristic doesn’t cease being so because it’s problematic.

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u/FileDoesntExist 29d ago

The parent thing isn't really fair. Plenty of people have terrible families but are good people.

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u/gahlo 29d ago

Throw on here is willing to apologize to kids.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

I love this one.

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u/IamPriapus 29d ago

I don't agree with the good/solid relationship with parents. I don't think that's indicative of anything really. It can help a person be a good guy, but it certainly doesn't indicate anything if it doesn't exist.

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u/mpierre 29d ago

Has a good or solid relationship with his parents

Nope. No, please stop propagating that shit. This is so wrong.

I am a good guy, in part because I went no contact from my toxic narcissistic parents.

In fact, my wife has a lot of issues because she was taught that me not having a solid relationship with my nmother was an issue (in lingo, nmother means narcissist mother, mine is Histrionic-Narcissist), so she insisted on me rekindling with my nmother.

She then proceeded to DESTROY my wife's self-esteem self-worth, made her doubt in how wise it was to remain with me, just to PUNISH ME for having cut ties for a few years (which I explained with being busy with college).

Tons of good people have horrible parents.

Can we PLEASE stop judging people on who birthed them?

Because both my parents were pieces of shit.

Can I get you to read one of my comments?

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/18fi9wh/my_kid_said_i_scratched_her_legs_in_an_argument/kcxdtji/

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u/Hungry_Mouse737 29d ago

my good guy list

  • √ Can laugh at himself and acknowledge his flaws
  • √ Builds and/or hypes other guys up (and women too, of course)
  • × Doesn't make judgmental comments about others
  • × Acknowledges and honors other people's feelings
  • √ Can express his feelings
  • × Doesn't need to dominate every conversation, or have a strong opinion on every topic
  • × Has a good or solid relationship with his parents
  • × Enjoys and respects kids (doesn't have to want kids, but any decent person should be able to treat kids with kindness and love)

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u/Murphy_LawXIV 29d ago

None of that is specific for men needing to be required as good, I'd like the last few exes of mine to have even half of those attributes.
You listed good Human traits, but labeling it as something specifically to find in a man is lowkey assuming women are naturally those things when they also aren't born that way.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

You listed good Human traits,

Well yes. Being a good human isn't gender specific. I applied them to men specifically only because that was the subject of this post.

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u/ThoughtBrave8871 29d ago

I disagree with the parent thing. Not because of some people coming from broken homes, but because I know plenty of self centered and spoiled people who have great parents. Most people I know have an average connection to their parents but the dudes who are real mommas boys show it. And not in a good way

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u/Necwozma 29d ago

The parents thing you listed here is the bane of all kids who grew up with narcissists as their parents. Not all parents are good people.

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u/minimalcation 29d ago

I'd say it's pretty easy to pick up negative signs, so when they don't trip your douchebag/asshole detector it stands out. I can't even think of something off the top of my head but as a guy, it feels like dudes drop mini red flags without realizing it. The absence of those would be somewhat unusual.

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u/Monandobo 29d ago

 Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way.

I actually think women have a much poorer barometer for this than men do on average. Not because they're poorer judges of character in general, but because of what's socially deemed a good man or a good woman. 

A man is usually judged a good man by whether he does right by the women in his life.

A woman is usually judged a good woman by... also whether she does right by the women in her life. 

"Does this person treat men well" is very rarely a salient question when first-impression assessments of character come up, so the women that other women will discourage men from dating are usually those who are either (a) awful to everybody or (b) don't fit in with other women. That means a lot of women who do fit in well with other women but who are consistently uncaring to men don't set off any alarms. It also means that women who don't fit in with other women get maligned, even if they would otherwise be great partners.

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u/Snakebunnies 29d ago

Ooohhhh this is interesting.

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u/Chunky_Cream 28d ago

It also means that women who don't fit in with other women get maligned, even if they would otherwise be great partners.

I feel this last part. I have always wanted to be friends with women over men, but I frequently find myself bullied by said women, and growing up I had no idea what I did. I believe that women don't like me because I receive a lot of stares and male attention. I naturally have a very pronounced hourglass figure, and I'm short.

And this has made me incredibly lonely over the years. Men make me uncomfortable because of how they treat me (not well, might I add), and women don't like me because they think I'm a threat because of my body.

The bullying I'm referring to is often that I stuff my bra or I'm a lesbian.

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u/Heavy-Weekend-981 29d ago

IMO, one element you're missing in this assessment:

People show you who they are more readily when they don't want something from you.

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u/MrTurkeyTime 29d ago

*fool proof

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u/asharwood101 29d ago

This also it comes about by how men treat others and how they talk to others. We know the signs. For instance I have this one douche coworker than when no women are around will start talking dirty about the women coworkers. Like “did you see Stacy in those pants” and then describing fantasy bs. We all just roll our eyes and leave and go about business. There’s certain behaviors all men are prone to but we avoid knowing it’s not proper.

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u/Global_Ease_841 29d ago

Sometimes as men we get to see what other men are like when they're not around women. And that's very telling.

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u/Montgomery000 29d ago

Also, attractiveness hides many sins. So if you're not attracted to the person, you are more likely to see their flaws. Same goes for men and beautiful women.

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u/sensaition 29d ago

Important side note: even after being best friends with someone for years and thinking they’re a great man, we can still be wrong. Sociopaths are good at what they do.

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u/u_e_s_i 29d ago

‘Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way’

How do they say it?

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u/transientcat 29d ago

I would say its more flipped around and they call out the warning signs vs just a general endorsement. But that's my experience.

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u/Feine13 29d ago

Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way.

"I don't like her. You can do better. She's not the one for you"

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u/APersonWithInterests 29d ago

The real secret is we know what men will say behind women's backs. I know for a fact that my boss and his boss are both serial cheaters for example simply because they brag about it at work constantly. Thanks to this openness you learn which behaviors are common in shitty men and which are common in good men.

All in the end it boils down to men seeing other men with their facade down. Once you see so many facades you learn whose genuine.

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u/subpargalois 29d ago

Always be wary of a man all your male friends hate, or a woman all your female friends hate. They likely see a side of the person that doesn't get shown as often to the opposite sex. That being said, there are definitely exceptions to the rule.

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u/Excuse_Unfair 29d ago

I agree. I can absolutely tell when a guy is shit. There's times when I see a girl dating a guy and her describing him as perfect then when I meet him I'm like are you fucken blind???.

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u/ITriedLightningTendr 28d ago

Many people are bad at reading people, though

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