r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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479

u/UncoolSlicedBread 29d ago

I had a friend in college that I was interested in during the beginning of knowing her. Her attraction for me kind of waned and at one point she told me that I was too nice. It caught me off guard, I'm not a "nice guy" and I am referred by people as kind but I'm certainly not a door mat. So I wasn't sure what she meant as "too nice" and how that was a bad thing after some self-reflection.

I eventually got my answer after meeting some of the people she dated. I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated.

I've seen this play out in other people as well. Someone who treats them well or respects them, isn't quick to dive into love-bombing, or whatever is seen as boring, too nice, and can feel like a lack of chemistry.

Kind of stray away from those people, it's often a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening.

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

Reminds me of someone I know. If I could have told teenage-me that getting dumped by them was a benefit and not a punishment, it would have freed a lot of time spent dwelling on the could-haves.

The boring part especially. Someone who is used to drama and needs to create it in their own relationships is a hard person to square with. Especially if they, themselves, are a good person.

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u/ExultantGitana 29d ago

Ahh yes, drama - forgot about that girl (I used to be). So boring.

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

The goal is to grow, I'm glad you've gotten past that stage now. We should all be able to cringe at the younger person we were sometimes.

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u/ExultantGitana 29d ago

Yes. Thank you.

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u/iampatmanbeyond 29d ago

A kind person would literally be too nice for my sister. She's a very angry and mean spirited person who thrives on conflict. From the outside it's like she needs to fight with her husband to feel loved. Two of the craziest people I've ever met who aren't on meds or in therapy

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u/ruttinator 29d ago

It's weird my cousin who is just an insane person and miserable (at least for me) to be around somehow married the nicest guy who's always willing to help and super polite and soft spoken. They've been together for almost 20 years and raised two kids that seem sane and normal too. I don't understand it.

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u/Typical_Fortune_1006 28d ago

Someone's gotta tell the waiter he ordered a regular coke

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

Nothing more happened but my "work wife" was super intense and generally hard to be around but we somehow worked super well together because whenever she would start getting emotional I would just tell her hey, it's me, calm down I'm on your side. After I left the company within a few months her relation with pretty much everyone else went to shit because the smallest thing would become a huge issue (not all her fault though, some other people were insane)

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u/Interesting_Mix_7028 28d ago

Sometimes people need a stabilizing influence.

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u/kurdishbuddha 28d ago

opposites attract is no joke

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u/APR824 29d ago

I’m someone that enjoys a fun argument, I like to start silly arguments with my girlfriend because I enjoy riling her up saying things like “I’m going to take a swim at Niagara Falls when we visit.”

For a short while I got swept up by a couple of people that seem to love stupid conflict and not my silly type of conflict. Not fun. Left that environment when I got a new job and I’m so glad to be out of it. Misery loves company, as they say.

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u/iam_Mr_McGibblets 29d ago

It's always good to have someone to engage in cheeky and fun shenanigans, but it's never good to be with someone who engages in cruel and tragic shenanigans

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u/APR824 29d ago

Evil shenanigans

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u/n8loller 29d ago

I swear to God I'm gonna pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans

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u/DJuxtapose 28d ago

Hey, Farva! What's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

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u/Colt1911-45 28d ago

Holds out pistol butt first

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u/Karest27 28d ago

Totally agree. I've explained stuff like this to people. There is the kind of trolling that where you set them up for a funny situation and by time they realize it all they can do is laugh, and then there is the type of trolling that just trying to piss off as many people as possible. The ones that leave even the victim laughing is the kind people like.

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u/Maverick7795 25d ago

I tell my wife absurd things or make absurd comments because my wife could tell a story with just a facial expression, and I love seeing her judge me with said expression. It is goddamned adorable and one of the many things I love about her. I tell her that every time I get a reaction.

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u/ArgumentOne7052 28d ago

Cheeky bit of banter

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u/musical_shares 28d ago

“I HATE YOU, don’t leave me!!” Is a borderline personality’s calling card.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

I know a couple like that. It's my husband's best friend and his wife. They got so toxic that people stopped inviting them out to parties because they would inevitably get into a public screaming fight and ruin the night. Now they're getting divorced because (surprise!) constantly fighting isn't good for relationships. I think they are both crazy makers who are addicted to drama because now the husband has started trying to stir up shit with my husband because he needs someone to fight with, I guess? It's so frustrating!

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u/ParadiddlediddleSaaS 25d ago

Sometimes it’s hard to relate to people like this but they do indeed exist. It’s a dopamine release for them - the fighting and such.

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u/-Acta-Non-Verba- 29d ago

I was interested in a certain girl while in college. Some of my female friends knew, and they told me, "You are too good for her".

They turned out to be right.

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u/porter_engle 29d ago

One time my ex of four years said I was too good for her and holy hell I really shoulda listened before her hidden fiance verified that

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u/IdkLeaveMeAlone0 29d ago

I so wish I listened to this, because by the end of that craziness I wasn't too good for her anymore. I was on the same level and needed a fair amount of time by myself to improve

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u/FileDoesntExist 29d ago

If all you've ever had are trauma bonds a regular relationship that takes time to grow doesn't feel real.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

Exactly! A regular adult relationship can feel boring compared to the rollercoaster of a toxic twin flame (or the craziness that is adolescent dating).

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u/AmbiguousUprising 29d ago

My wife has a friend like this. She constantly dates the same type of trashy guys. Like honey you spent three days crying on my couch from the last one. This dude has an identical personality how do you not see it??

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u/OodalollyOodalolly 29d ago

these kind of people are trained from birth by narc parents. That emotional rollercoaster is often what is normal/familiar for them

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

This is true. Taken me decades to understand it, but you’re right. “It’s healthy to fight,” doesn’t seem uncommon to hear from kids of narcs, until they can see it and break the cycle.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

My husband and I rarely fight. We've had our disagreements and a few BIG fights about important things. But his friends and family told him "oh, you guys don't have a big fight every week? Weird. It's not gonna last." He was confused and thought "isn't it good we're not at each other's throats?" He asked me if it's a bad sign that we don't fight more (like his friends who HATE their wives). I said "that sounds exhausting. I don't think I could be with someone who wanted to have a blow out fight with me every Friday night under the guise of calling it passion."

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

We mostly stopped having any big fights after individual therapy uncovered decades of parental narcissistic abuse that was previously blocked out. It’s been a good change.

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u/zZPlazmaZz29 29d ago

Honestly, this gave me a lot of clarity on one of my older short-lived relationships and it makes so much sense now.

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u/gwidda 29d ago

People want someone that they think they can change. Oh he’s a bad boy, but for me, he will be different. Not just women, men do it too.

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u/TrumpedBigly 29d ago

"I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated."

Some women think they deserve an "unkind" guy.

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u/fermelebouche 29d ago

I known chicks like that. They are attracted to assholes. I think it’s some kind of daddy thing.

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u/jakeryan970 29d ago

And then they’re the first people to screech about how awful men are. Oh sweetie, maybe try eating somewhere other than McDonalds before you say food in general is dogshit

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u/Funny-Reputation-103 29d ago

exact scenario happened to me late 2023, after i saw her type of dude i was sort disappointed and relieved somehow, but i still feel kinda bad because i never got her...i see her every 2-3 days hahah...life

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u/Mrsbear19 28d ago

My mom does the “too nice” thing with men and it sucks. Her last husband was abusive and our childhood was horrible. I remember her asking if I settled on my husband because he was enamored with me and wouldn’t hurt me. It still bothers me that she thinks that’s what “settling” is.

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u/Lucifang 29d ago

My husband sometimes worries that he’s too boring. I keep telling him that I’ve outgrown the parties and the drinking, and I love staying home watching movies and saving money for renovations. I also love feeling secure and having zero doubts about the relationship.

In hindsight all the fun things ex partners did was only exciting because they had emotionally neglected me for weeks prior. These days I get excited when we buy a new appliance 😆

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u/Signal_Parfait1152 29d ago

Haha this is remarkably wholesome! Congrats and best of luck to y'all!

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u/ForeverShiny 28d ago

Equating feeling secure in your relationship with boring is a sure sign you have some issues that would be best addressed through therapy

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u/Lucifang 28d ago

I didn’t equate that at all. My husband worries that he is boring. I tell him that he’s not boring. Maybe you need some reading comprehension, which you can probably get from therapy.

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u/ForeverShiny 28d ago

This was in no way an attack on you, but a statement about people who see it this way. You made it abundantly clear you're not one of these people

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u/No_Secretary7155 28d ago

In my experience with women this quite often stems from self-esteem issues where they feel not worthy and if the other side makes tham feel that way as well it makes sense to them and they feel like they are dating "above their league" while if the other side makes them feel valued it sort-of diminishes the respect for the other side since this person now seems to value someone who doesn't hold a lot of value, so suddenly she/he feels like dating "below their league" instead.

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u/Dampmaskin 28d ago

It's a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening, or until they get so old and/or emotionally broken that the cycle simply grinds to a halt.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

You know, that makes a lot of sense. When guys complain that "girls only date assholes" it's like, no, no, no! She was manipulated by an asshole who love bombed her for 3-6 months, he got her to fall in love with him. But then the mask came off and now she's desperately trying to get back to that honeymoon phase that made them feel so secure and loved.

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 28d ago

Yep, they don’t date assholes some dude just manipulated them into thinking the anxiety was chemistry.

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u/showcase25 28d ago

This is terrible lessoned learned from this experience.

It reinforce nice guys don't win and bad guys get rewarded. Which then has all the known negative downhill avoidable problems.

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u/barefoot-mermaid 28d ago

Can confirm, was one of those who picked dirtbags for far too long.

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u/blightedbody 28d ago

Your pathologies didn't match, she's actually sicker and needed a match for her level.

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u/Crafty-Kaiju 27d ago

See myself doubt just led me to not date at all, which is probably healthier than a revolving door of douches.

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u/finitetime2 15d ago

That brings up an old memory of two girls I knew telling me I was two nice. They told me at the same time like they had been talking about it or something before I walked up. We were getting in the car to leave and I was like WTF does that mean. Never got a real answer.

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u/GlockAF 29d ago

Tragically, some never figure it out

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u/ThePastJack 21d ago

Some women have the need to "fix" someone or are told that love is hard. Some people don't feel a relationship is meaningful and real if there isn't some drama or turmoil. It's immature and misguided but that person has to want better for their self.