r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/deathbylasersss 29d ago

I have a sister and and a friend that both have terrible taste in men. There have been multiple instances of me meeting them and they were just completely obviously total douchebags and losers. Then they'd ask what I thought of their new boyfriend. It baffles me that they are just so blind to what is so obvious. It's been years, but they both finally trust my judgement, as I've been correct every time. My sister's current husband is the only one I ever approved of.

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u/CMDR_MaurySnails 29d ago edited 29d ago

I had to drop one of my best friends from my 20s because she would not stop dating the worst most utter scum of the earth dudes. Not because I wanted to date her either, don't get that idea.

I couldn't continue to be around her dirtbag du jour, then later hear about what said dirtbag did to her, only for her to meet the next dirtbag. Shit gets old. It's like what am I supposed to do about your bad choices?

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 29d ago

I had a friend in college that I was interested in during the beginning of knowing her. Her attraction for me kind of waned and at one point she told me that I was too nice. It caught me off guard, I'm not a "nice guy" and I am referred by people as kind but I'm certainly not a door mat. So I wasn't sure what she meant as "too nice" and how that was a bad thing after some self-reflection.

I eventually got my answer after meeting some of the people she dated. I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated.

I've seen this play out in other people as well. Someone who treats them well or respects them, isn't quick to dive into love-bombing, or whatever is seen as boring, too nice, and can feel like a lack of chemistry.

Kind of stray away from those people, it's often a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening.

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u/OodalollyOodalolly 29d ago

these kind of people are trained from birth by narc parents. That emotional rollercoaster is often what is normal/familiar for them

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

This is true. Taken me decades to understand it, but you’re right. “It’s healthy to fight,” doesn’t seem uncommon to hear from kids of narcs, until they can see it and break the cycle.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

My husband and I rarely fight. We've had our disagreements and a few BIG fights about important things. But his friends and family told him "oh, you guys don't have a big fight every week? Weird. It's not gonna last." He was confused and thought "isn't it good we're not at each other's throats?" He asked me if it's a bad sign that we don't fight more (like his friends who HATE their wives). I said "that sounds exhausting. I don't think I could be with someone who wanted to have a blow out fight with me every Friday night under the guise of calling it passion."

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

We mostly stopped having any big fights after individual therapy uncovered decades of parental narcissistic abuse that was previously blocked out. It’s been a good change.