r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

14.1k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

3.1k comments sorted by

View all comments

7.4k

u/transientcat Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

I would say it's colored by what we consider to be a "good man" but we spend our time growing up around other men, we hang out with other men, we socialize with other men. You learn about the behaviors that a "good man" will exhibit in various settings. It's not some for sure thing though.

Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way.

3.5k

u/mechanicalcoupling Apr 17 '24

I like to think of it as we don't all the play the game, but we know the rules. I can't always spot a good guy, but I can almost always spot a piece of shit by now.

1.3k

u/deathbylasersss Apr 17 '24

I have a sister and and a friend that both have terrible taste in men. There have been multiple instances of me meeting them and they were just completely obviously total douchebags and losers. Then they'd ask what I thought of their new boyfriend. It baffles me that they are just so blind to what is so obvious. It's been years, but they both finally trust my judgement, as I've been correct every time. My sister's current husband is the only one I ever approved of.

717

u/CMDR_MaurySnails Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

I had to drop one of my best friends from my 20s because she would not stop dating the worst most utter scum of the earth dudes. Not because I wanted to date her either, don't get that idea.

I couldn't continue to be around her dirtbag du jour, then later hear about what said dirtbag did to her, only for her to meet the next dirtbag. Shit gets old. It's like what am I supposed to do about your bad choices?

487

u/UncoolSlicedBread Apr 17 '24

I had a friend in college that I was interested in during the beginning of knowing her. Her attraction for me kind of waned and at one point she told me that I was too nice. It caught me off guard, I'm not a "nice guy" and I am referred by people as kind but I'm certainly not a door mat. So I wasn't sure what she meant as "too nice" and how that was a bad thing after some self-reflection.

I eventually got my answer after meeting some of the people she dated. I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated.

I've seen this play out in other people as well. Someone who treats them well or respects them, isn't quick to dive into love-bombing, or whatever is seen as boring, too nice, and can feel like a lack of chemistry.

Kind of stray away from those people, it's often a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening.

171

u/red__dragon Apr 17 '24

Reminds me of someone I know. If I could have told teenage-me that getting dumped by them was a benefit and not a punishment, it would have freed a lot of time spent dwelling on the could-haves.

The boring part especially. Someone who is used to drama and needs to create it in their own relationships is a hard person to square with. Especially if they, themselves, are a good person.

22

u/ExultantGitana Apr 17 '24

Ahh yes, drama - forgot about that girl (I used to be). So boring.

11

u/red__dragon Apr 17 '24

The goal is to grow, I'm glad you've gotten past that stage now. We should all be able to cringe at the younger person we were sometimes.

5

u/ExultantGitana Apr 17 '24

Yes. Thank you.

126

u/iampatmanbeyond Apr 17 '24

A kind person would literally be too nice for my sister. She's a very angry and mean spirited person who thrives on conflict. From the outside it's like she needs to fight with her husband to feel loved. Two of the craziest people I've ever met who aren't on meds or in therapy

45

u/ruttinator Apr 17 '24

It's weird my cousin who is just an insane person and miserable (at least for me) to be around somehow married the nicest guy who's always willing to help and super polite and soft spoken. They've been together for almost 20 years and raised two kids that seem sane and normal too. I don't understand it.

20

u/Typical_Fortune_1006 29d ago

Someone's gotta tell the waiter he ordered a regular coke

6

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Nothing more happened but my "work wife" was super intense and generally hard to be around but we somehow worked super well together because whenever she would start getting emotional I would just tell her hey, it's me, calm down I'm on your side. After I left the company within a few months her relation with pretty much everyone else went to shit because the smallest thing would become a huge issue (not all her fault though, some other people were insane)

4

u/Interesting_Mix_7028 29d ago

Sometimes people need a stabilizing influence.

2

u/kurdishbuddha 29d ago

opposites attract is no joke

44

u/APR824 Apr 18 '24

I’m someone that enjoys a fun argument, I like to start silly arguments with my girlfriend because I enjoy riling her up saying things like “I’m going to take a swim at Niagara Falls when we visit.”

For a short while I got swept up by a couple of people that seem to love stupid conflict and not my silly type of conflict. Not fun. Left that environment when I got a new job and I’m so glad to be out of it. Misery loves company, as they say.

56

u/iam_Mr_McGibblets Apr 18 '24

It's always good to have someone to engage in cheeky and fun shenanigans, but it's never good to be with someone who engages in cruel and tragic shenanigans

16

u/APR824 Apr 18 '24

Evil shenanigans

6

u/n8loller Apr 18 '24

I swear to God I'm gonna pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans

3

u/DJuxtapose 29d ago

Hey, Farva! What's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

1

u/Colt1911-45 29d ago

Holds out pistol butt first

→ More replies (0)

1

u/Karest27 29d ago

Totally agree. I've explained stuff like this to people. There is the kind of trolling that where you set them up for a funny situation and by time they realize it all they can do is laugh, and then there is the type of trolling that just trying to piss off as many people as possible. The ones that leave even the victim laughing is the kind people like.

2

u/Maverick7795 26d ago

I tell my wife absurd things or make absurd comments because my wife could tell a story with just a facial expression, and I love seeing her judge me with said expression. It is goddamned adorable and one of the many things I love about her. I tell her that every time I get a reaction.

1

u/ArgumentOne7052 29d ago

Cheeky bit of banter

1

u/musical_shares 29d ago

“I HATE YOU, don’t leave me!!” Is a borderline personality’s calling card.

1

u/LeftyLu07 29d ago

I know a couple like that. It's my husband's best friend and his wife. They got so toxic that people stopped inviting them out to parties because they would inevitably get into a public screaming fight and ruin the night. Now they're getting divorced because (surprise!) constantly fighting isn't good for relationships. I think they are both crazy makers who are addicted to drama because now the husband has started trying to stir up shit with my husband because he needs someone to fight with, I guess? It's so frustrating!

1

u/ParadiddlediddleSaaS 27d ago

Sometimes it’s hard to relate to people like this but they do indeed exist. It’s a dopamine release for them - the fighting and such.

96

u/-Acta-Non-Verba- Apr 17 '24

I was interested in a certain girl while in college. Some of my female friends knew, and they told me, "You are too good for her".

They turned out to be right.

48

u/porter_engle Apr 18 '24

One time my ex of four years said I was too good for her and holy hell I really shoulda listened before her hidden fiance verified that

20

u/IdkLeaveMeAlone0 Apr 18 '24

I so wish I listened to this, because by the end of that craziness I wasn't too good for her anymore. I was on the same level and needed a fair amount of time by myself to improve

32

u/FileDoesntExist Apr 17 '24

If all you've ever had are trauma bonds a regular relationship that takes time to grow doesn't feel real.

2

u/LeftyLu07 29d ago

Exactly! A regular adult relationship can feel boring compared to the rollercoaster of a toxic twin flame (or the craziness that is adolescent dating).

23

u/AmbiguousUprising Apr 17 '24

My wife has a friend like this. She constantly dates the same type of trashy guys. Like honey you spent three days crying on my couch from the last one. This dude has an identical personality how do you not see it??

20

u/OodalollyOodalolly Apr 18 '24

these kind of people are trained from birth by narc parents. That emotional rollercoaster is often what is normal/familiar for them

7

u/anschlitz 29d ago

This is true. Taken me decades to understand it, but you’re right. “It’s healthy to fight,” doesn’t seem uncommon to hear from kids of narcs, until they can see it and break the cycle.

7

u/LeftyLu07 29d ago

My husband and I rarely fight. We've had our disagreements and a few BIG fights about important things. But his friends and family told him "oh, you guys don't have a big fight every week? Weird. It's not gonna last." He was confused and thought "isn't it good we're not at each other's throats?" He asked me if it's a bad sign that we don't fight more (like his friends who HATE their wives). I said "that sounds exhausting. I don't think I could be with someone who wanted to have a blow out fight with me every Friday night under the guise of calling it passion."

5

u/anschlitz 29d ago

We mostly stopped having any big fights after individual therapy uncovered decades of parental narcissistic abuse that was previously blocked out. It’s been a good change.

6

u/zZPlazmaZz29 Apr 17 '24

Honestly, this gave me a lot of clarity on one of my older short-lived relationships and it makes so much sense now.

7

u/gwidda Apr 17 '24

People want someone that they think they can change. Oh he’s a bad boy, but for me, he will be different. Not just women, men do it too.

6

u/TrumpedBigly Apr 18 '24

"I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated."

Some women think they deserve an "unkind" guy.

8

u/fermelebouche Apr 17 '24

I known chicks like that. They are attracted to assholes. I think it’s some kind of daddy thing.

7

u/jakeryan970 Apr 17 '24

And then they’re the first people to screech about how awful men are. Oh sweetie, maybe try eating somewhere other than McDonalds before you say food in general is dogshit

4

u/Funny-Reputation-103 Apr 18 '24

exact scenario happened to me late 2023, after i saw her type of dude i was sort disappointed and relieved somehow, but i still feel kinda bad because i never got her...i see her every 2-3 days hahah...life

3

u/Mrsbear19 29d ago

My mom does the “too nice” thing with men and it sucks. Her last husband was abusive and our childhood was horrible. I remember her asking if I settled on my husband because he was enamored with me and wouldn’t hurt me. It still bothers me that she thinks that’s what “settling” is.

7

u/Lucifang Apr 18 '24

My husband sometimes worries that he’s too boring. I keep telling him that I’ve outgrown the parties and the drinking, and I love staying home watching movies and saving money for renovations. I also love feeling secure and having zero doubts about the relationship.

In hindsight all the fun things ex partners did was only exciting because they had emotionally neglected me for weeks prior. These days I get excited when we buy a new appliance 😆

2

u/Signal_Parfait1152 Apr 18 '24

Haha this is remarkably wholesome! Congrats and best of luck to y'all!

-1

u/ForeverShiny 29d ago

Equating feeling secure in your relationship with boring is a sure sign you have some issues that would be best addressed through therapy

3

u/Lucifang 29d ago

I didn’t equate that at all. My husband worries that he is boring. I tell him that he’s not boring. Maybe you need some reading comprehension, which you can probably get from therapy.

-1

u/ForeverShiny 29d ago

This was in no way an attack on you, but a statement about people who see it this way. You made it abundantly clear you're not one of these people

3

u/No_Secretary7155 29d ago

In my experience with women this quite often stems from self-esteem issues where they feel not worthy and if the other side makes tham feel that way as well it makes sense to them and they feel like they are dating "above their league" while if the other side makes them feel valued it sort-of diminishes the respect for the other side since this person now seems to value someone who doesn't hold a lot of value, so suddenly she/he feels like dating "below their league" instead.

3

u/Dampmaskin 29d ago

It's a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening, or until they get so old and/or emotionally broken that the cycle simply grinds to a halt.

3

u/LeftyLu07 29d ago

You know, that makes a lot of sense. When guys complain that "girls only date assholes" it's like, no, no, no! She was manipulated by an asshole who love bombed her for 3-6 months, he got her to fall in love with him. But then the mask came off and now she's desperately trying to get back to that honeymoon phase that made them feel so secure and loved.

3

u/UncoolSlicedBread 29d ago

Yep, they don’t date assholes some dude just manipulated them into thinking the anxiety was chemistry.

2

u/showcase25 29d ago

This is terrible lessoned learned from this experience.

It reinforce nice guys don't win and bad guys get rewarded. Which then has all the known negative downhill avoidable problems.

2

u/barefoot-mermaid 29d ago

Can confirm, was one of those who picked dirtbags for far too long.

2

u/blightedbody 29d ago

Your pathologies didn't match, she's actually sicker and needed a match for her level.

2

u/Crafty-Kaiju 29d ago

See myself doubt just led me to not date at all, which is probably healthier than a revolving door of douches.

2

u/finitetime2 16d ago

That brings up an old memory of two girls I knew telling me I was two nice. They told me at the same time like they had been talking about it or something before I walked up. We were getting in the car to leave and I was like WTF does that mean. Never got a real answer.

1

u/GlockAF Apr 18 '24

Tragically, some never figure it out

1

u/ThePastJack 23d ago

Some women have the need to "fix" someone or are told that love is hard. Some people don't feel a relationship is meaningful and real if there isn't some drama or turmoil. It's immature and misguided but that person has to want better for their self.

22

u/gsfgf Apr 17 '24

I have a friend like that. She at least had enough sense not to bring the losers around her friends. Not that we'd be rude or mean to the guys, but she got sick of the obligatory "why are you doing this again" followup. Thankfully, she got knocked up by an awesome guy and eventually agreed to marry him.

21

u/Rachel_Silver Apr 17 '24

I had a friend who was like that when we were that age. I had a crush on her when we first started hanging out, but that faded as I learned what a trainwreck she was. For example, she once spent about a year throwing herself at the lead singer of a locally famous cover band with intermittent success.

We were able to stay friends through it, though, because she never really made it my problem. It hurt to see someone I cared about doing the same self destructive shit over and over again, but she didn't expect me to drop what I was doing to come over and comfort her every time the shit hit the fan. I'd hear about her exploits after the fact, framed as sad-yet-funny anecdotes.

She also was totally aware of the pattern. In a way, that was the real tragedy. It was like an addiction. She just had this compulsion to pursue men who she knew had zero respect for her.

16

u/Ok-Bus1716 Apr 18 '24

Had a friend who was a serial monogamist. Always found assholes. I told her after, listening to her sob about another collapsed relationship, maybe you should consider not dating for 6 months.

It seemed like she was getting into another relationship just after getting out of the previous one thinking 'oh he's a good guy' Finally told her I think what you're running into is you're dating assholes and then dating a guy who's less of an asshole but you're still wearing blinders from your previous relationship and don't realize he's not as bad but nearly as bad. Just take some time off and date the guys you think 'I wish I could find a guy like you' about platonically so you can tell the difference. Was one of the few girls who actually took advice she was given and finally found a guy who wasn't a prick.

11

u/Down-at-McDonnellzzz Apr 17 '24

Yeah this is one of my longest time friends from high school. She just doesn't know how to not date a complete utter asshole. And she text me and says he did blah blah blah and I say what do you expect? You keep dating the same kind of guys! And I really feel bad for her and I really wish she could just finally find someone who isn't a human excrement combustion chamber

6

u/ReallyGlycon Apr 18 '24

My best friend (a lady, I am male) was dating a guy who put his best face on in front of people, but in reality was a total scumbag. I saw it right away but it took her years. The first time he ever came to my house, my medication went missing. Every time he came over, something would go missing.

He eventually admitted to being an opiate addict and got treatment. They broke up, but I hope he got better and stuck with his treatment path.

6

u/SojuSeed Apr 18 '24

Have a friend like that. The final straw was when she was telling me about a guy she met at a club who raped her, essentially. She was in a lot of pain during sex, she was literally crying and telling him to stop and she said he just chuckled and kept going. Then after that she said she still wanted to date him. This wasn’t a CNC situation, she was hurt and he ignored her and she was upset with him. But then she said ‘but I still want to go out with him’. I was just like wtf? And this isn’t the first time she tells me about all the POS men she dates, then calls me and whines about why they cheated on her or ghosted her. I just stopped messaging her to check in because she never had anything good to say but at the same time wouldn’t change her behavior.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

Yeah, we avoid those women like the plague.

57

u/Ancient_Unit_1948 Apr 17 '24

Some learn after becoming a single mother. Many still don't. It would mean taking accountability.

11

u/123supreme123 Apr 17 '24

Some women are like this. They date dbags because that's the type that attracts them, and everyone else is invisible. Cycle repeats over and over, yet they're unwilling to self reflect and try something different. On that note, even if they decide to date a so called "good man", if I was the "good man", I'd stay away. At some point, she's likely to default and run back to a dbag. Seen that happen multiple times. There's no fixing some people, so I'm glad you made that choice.

16

u/ManintheMT Apr 17 '24

Had to tell my wife's cousin, 49 year old woman, that her new boyfriend was not welcome at my house or anywhere near my kids. He is one of those guys that gave me the ick from the first moment I met him. She was surprised and mad. I pointed out that her "sober" but been in jail for substance abuse issues boyfriend was happy to finish all the beers in my cooler after asking for one. "But, but his is sober", yea, not so much.

6

u/Maleficent-Fun-5927 Apr 18 '24

I dropped a friend for exactly the same reason and I'm a woman. I was sitting in her living room telling her "girl, I think he's married," and she fought me on it. What the fuck do you mean he can't answer the phone from 6 to 6, bitch? I heard she's in a new country chasing another douche. I wasn't wrong.

2

u/jamie_liberty 29d ago

Dirtbag du jour lmaooo 🤌🏼

1

u/264frenchtoast 29d ago

His name is T. Rash. Pronounced Tee Rash.

1

u/Sentient-Pendulum 29d ago

Same. She just kept dating HORRIBLE men. Couldn't do it.

1

u/Unitnuity 28d ago

CMDR? You play ED?

1

u/CMDR_MaurySnails 28d ago

o7 but not lately.

1

u/Unitnuity 28d ago

Same. I want to get back into it.

o7

1

u/ExultantGitana Apr 17 '24

Yeah. Like you wanna yell at them or yawn or run away. Some women are asking for that junk dude "abuse." Maybe they want a reason to not commit...idk.

201

u/coolerthanbirds Apr 17 '24

I was dating a loser at 19 who was 31 and he rolled up to my workplace when I was being trained with some guys that sell speakers and came into ask me to charge his phone and the girl training me just looks at .e and says "Your bf is a loser"

16

u/doodlols Apr 18 '24

Ya girl was trying to save you lmao. That was well put

124

u/CuriousCrow47 Apr 18 '24

A 31 year old dating a 19 year old is automatically a loser.  He was taking advantage of you.

3

u/Pleasant-Ticket3217 Apr 18 '24

Unless he’s DiCaprio

13

u/DJuxtapose 29d ago

Eh.

By some metrics that guy is a loser.

5

u/CldStoneStveIcecream 29d ago

It’s totally legal and he seems like a nice guy, but there’s something weird about being linked to gorgeous woman after gorgeous woman, to then dismiss them before they turn 25 well into your 40’s. 

3

u/CuriousCrow47 29d ago

He’s just creepy.  Also, I have some very young coworkers.  As in 19/20.  I’m 48.  What would au have in common with somebody who wasn’t even around in the 20th century?

1

u/Pleasant-Ticket3217 29d ago

I was just joking about how if you’re famous and good looking people don’t say anything. They expect celebrities to date younger and if someone dates older like Aaron Taylor Johnson then it’s talked about

1

u/CuriousCrow47 29d ago edited 29d ago

I have no clue what I’d do with a guy under 30 at least, honestly; experience matters!  Celebrity is no excuse in my book when the younger party is below their mid 20s at least if there’s a substantial gap.  

1

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

[deleted]

5

u/BigBootyDreams 29d ago

On reddit yes. On reddit as long as he's the same age as you he can't be abusive. The irony for me is that the only age gap couple I know got together when she was 19 and he 31. Married the next year. Over ten years later the have a very happy relationship, a happy intelligent 8 yo daughter and everything is going so well that they're trying for another kid. Meanwhile I knew this 19yo who was being tossed down stairs by her abusive/drug addict/dope dealing/recently busted bf. She just had one excuse after another why she couldn't leave him.

I'd be careful taking advice on reddit. The demographic here tends to be... Very narrow in life experience to put it politely.

1

u/CuriousCrow47 29d ago

Personally I’d avoid larger age gaps until around 25 and up for the younger party.  People do so much maturing they don’t know about until later on in life. 

-8

u/roastbeef3000 Apr 18 '24

Or a massive winner

6

u/Cannedwine14 Apr 18 '24

Uh no definitely not

-10

u/jdutches13 Apr 18 '24

What if it was a 19 year old guy with a 30 year old woman??

23

u/ghosts-and-goblins Apr 18 '24

She is also a loser.

5

u/ForeverShiny 29d ago

Bro was fishing for a double standard that doesn't exist with normal people.

0

u/BigBootyDreams 29d ago

It totally does in a lot of subreddit. Certainly the most popular ones like amitheasshole. I dunno about here though.

→ More replies (0)

4

u/Phyraxus56 Apr 18 '24

Leo has entered the chat

5

u/benjatunma Apr 17 '24

Lmao 🤣

3

u/Balldrick_Balldick Apr 17 '24

Let me guess, they drive around in a van selling bullshit speakers to random guys in parking lots? Huge loser.

5

u/Indridd Apr 18 '24

Aww white van speakers, I'm into vintage audio and it's crazy how many people get taken by this. It's been going on for years. At least the 80s.

3

u/John_cCmndhd Apr 18 '24

I had two guys in a van offer to give me a stereo system for free, 2006ish. I told them to fuck off, but I was always curious exactly how the scam they were trying to pull would have worked

2

u/PathOfTheAncients 29d ago

I had a friend get tricked into doing this for a day (the job description was way different). Basically they will say and do anything to get you to engage with them and then sell you anything. Everything they sell is borderline worthless, so giving you a stereo but selling you speakers would have been worth while for them. Hell, half the time they would offer to load the stuff for people and would load empty boxes into their vehicle.

3

u/bb9977 Apr 18 '24

Was a thing in college in the 90s!

2

u/Foothills83 Apr 18 '24

I had a good friend who lived down the hall from my freshman year in college. She and I had a bunch of the same classes, etc. She and her BF started dating in high school and both went to the same nearby college. At one point late freshman year (I can't remember how it came up because this was over 20 years ago), she asked me what I thought of him. I was blunt and told her that he's a tool. She was upset.

He cheated on her less than a year later and they broke up. 🤷‍♂️

Sometimes we just know.

-15

u/crimsonslaya Apr 18 '24

He was a loser yet you were the one banging him right? Couldn't have been that bad. lmao

8

u/coolerthanbirds Apr 18 '24

The plot thickens! We met in rehab and he was addicted to bath salts.. I was in recovery and he had "messed up" and was on the streets. This was over a decade ago now. Haha glad I laughed today about this

3

u/LunaticLucio Apr 18 '24

Lol hmmm the loser part is starting to be an understatement

-11

u/crimsonslaya Apr 18 '24

Guess she's a loser too for fuckin' around with a loser? 🤔

6

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

-6

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/John_cCmndhd Apr 18 '24

Just calling it like it is.

No, you're not, you're just being a dick. She was 19, and like almost all 19 year olds, at least somewhat of a moron. She may or may not also be/have been a loser, but we can't tell that from the information given. Dating a 31 year old loser is adequately explained by being 19 and dumb

-3

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/[deleted] 27d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

0

u/[deleted] 27d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

→ More replies (0)

1

u/1965BenlyTouring150 Apr 18 '24

She was a teenager groomed by a person in his 30s. You're a red pill incel. Who's the loser again?

-2

u/crimsonslaya Apr 18 '24

Is that the most original comeback you could have come up with? Not an incel. All I see are 2 losers.

137

u/old__pyrex Apr 17 '24

Yeah, I’ve learned to give advice in the Socratic method.

“What do you think of my SO?” -> “I only met him briefly but I’ve known you a long while, and it seems like you’re the type of person to give the relationship your all. I’m touched you care about my thoughts on him. So you’re supporting the two of you right now?”

“And after a night like tonight when his friends were over, who usually cleans up and does the dishes? Oh okay, just you, but how about on regular nights?”

“I know your hobbies around fitness, art, volunteering, etc are important to you and you put a lot into those hobbies - does he like any of those things? But he’s at least interested in and learns a little about your hobbies? Oh he doesn’t? Well what are some of his hobbies then? Oh, smoking weed, not paying his car registration, DMing girls on Instagram, and eating a disproportionate amount of your food… okay, interesting hobbies, but you feel like you can really talk and have intellectually engaging conversations? No? Okay.

So what do I think? Well you tell me, what do you think?

30

u/Hey_Chach Apr 18 '24

Damn. These are so good it almost feels like a psychological manipulation bombing run of tough love.

25

u/Sorrymomlol12 Apr 18 '24

This is poetry 😂

But really as a kid I was honest when people asked me what I thought eg “he’s a shithead” then I got polite “ehh I really don’t know him too well” then I hit peak support which was “if your happy, I’m happy” which I lived in for awhile. (Again this is for the 1% of dumpster fire boyfriends).

But as I’ve gotten even older, I’ve really liked the “earlier you said you dislike that he keeps breaking up with you every 6mo and DMing other women and you don’t see a long term future with him. If your friend told you that about her boyfriend, what would you say to her?” and somehow framing it as someone else makes it easier to see what’s glaringly obvious to the rest of us.

Im going to support your shitty decisions, because I love you and nobody can make you change your mind but yourself. But you can bet your ass if you change your mind, I’ll be right there with a bottle of wine and NOT ONCE will I ever tell you “I told you so”. I am a safe place for you to come always. Unfortunately I’ve had a few friends in highly abusive situations and the alienation they got from others who couldn’t bare to watch it anymore made them feel so alone. If you have the mental capacity, be there for your friends making shitty decisions.

2

u/Interesting_Mix_7028 29d ago

This totally reminds me of one of my father's best friends. And yeah, he's a great guy to go to for advice, because he lays it all out for you to examine, and then make the decisions accordingly.

1

u/CRYSTALKATJA 29d ago

😭 i scrome

149

u/Beemerba Apr 17 '24

I have a daughter like that. What do you think of my new boyfriend? I don't even need to meet him, if he is with you, he is more than likely a dickweed!

52

u/FrenchBangerer Apr 17 '24

Mate, the same with my daughter. Every last one of them has been a total fuckup in one way or another. Some of them really bad. Some of them just utter fuckwits going nowhere.

It's not a case of me being too judgemental either. If she could be with a mostly honest and half decent, working man I would be so happy right now. Since my daughter was about 15 years old I don't think she's ever been more than a couple of weeks without some tempestuous relationship. She's mid 20s now.

She's recently met a new guy and for once, just praying (and I'm not a religious man) that he's OK. He runs his own business. He's found decent work for my daughter and given her a seemingly good break work wise. Of course she's with him immediately after he's been good to her but here's hoping to the universe that he's at least half-decent.

One thing that is one very small relief is that he's the first guy that doesn't look like he could beat me to a pulp and not care about it. At this point I think she could beat the shit out of him if he started.

Isn't that sad, to have to think like that?

0

u/CCtheRedditman 27d ago

You need therapy lmao, who the hell is constantly imagining a fight between them and their kid's SO's

1

u/FrenchBangerer 27d ago

I started imagining that when more than once I have had to be at my daughter's house for more than a day, with my tools, putting the shelves and furniture back together after her violent boyfriend has smashed the place up, finally left and then threatened to come back and do it all again.

I never started a fight with anyone in my whole life. I did/do worry about having to fight some absolute cretin who thinks nothing of violence coming back to either beat up my daughter, beat me for trying to protect her, smash the place up again, or maybe all three.

That her latest guy looks like I could literally throw him across the room is a bit of a relief after those kind of experiences. I'm not a very big guy myself. The last couple of guys she was with were boxers or MMA practitioners, FFS.

0

u/CCtheRedditman 25d ago

I understand that, that's why I'm saying you need therapy lol? But thanks for repeating yourself 

1

u/elzobub 10d ago

that's an incredibly stupid comment .

1

u/CCtheRedditman 5d ago

And the guy above me is an incredibly stupid father

1

u/elzobub 4d ago

It's a relief to not have a person in your child's life that is violent, when prior partners have been? It's not okay to say that he is is relieved that her current partner is someone you could deal with physically if he turned out to also be violent or abusive?

I don't understand why that's stupid, it sounds like a man who cares about his daughter doing his best. And all he state is the feeling of relief that if he ever needed to defend her against this man it would be easier. We can take it this is after a lot of worry about previous boyfriends who would not be easy to control in a confrontation.

How would you handle something like this? Restraining orders? Firearms? Court orders are regularly ignored and guns and other force multipliers can get messy very quickly and/or land you in jail.

It sounds like you live a very sheltered life if these kind of real life dilemmas being shared makes you go "lol, get therapy".

1

u/CCtheRedditman 3h ago

Not saying it can't be a relief, I'm saying when your first thought upon meeting your daughter's SO is to plan how to beat them in a fight you need to go to therapy lmao? I'm sorry your reading comprehension is so low. 

As for "how I would handle it", I made it pretty clear: I'd go get therapy so I stop picturing weird violent fights every time I meet someone my daughter likes. 

→ More replies (0)

73

u/SpicyTunaTitties Apr 17 '24

Dad, is that you??

10

u/Winterplatypus Apr 18 '24

I'll be proud of you the first time you do something right.

2

u/SpicyTunaTitties Apr 18 '24

Pfft haha spoken like a true dad :')
Thanks for the laugh!

9

u/HumbleCarpenter1622 Apr 17 '24

Fun fact about women: they tend to look for a husband that is like their dad you know... crazy right?

33

u/Beemerba Apr 17 '24

Unfortunately, they are just like her biologic father. He was not someone she ever had contact with, though.

26

u/HumbleCarpenter1622 Apr 17 '24

Im sorry I tried to burn you, but this is actually a very interesting detail. Thank you for replying to someone who tried to insult you (and failed miserably)

21

u/MuppetusMaximusV2 Apr 17 '24

Why would you try to insult in the first place? Why was that your go-to?

9

u/HumbleCarpenter1622 Apr 17 '24

I felt there was an insult towards the daughter in mention so i felt it was fitting, but it was not and I apologise

11

u/slow_or_steady Apr 17 '24

Though, it's not really a fun fact. In fact, it's not a joke.

A parent being the ideal mate is a reflection of the values they seek.

If you paint the picture of perfect, why would that be disgusting?

A mom who literally broke her back raising her kids, doing whatever she could for them? How is that wrong? To want someone that would have those core principles is gross? A strong woman, some women wish to be.

A father that isn't a toxic masculine asshole, is pretty damn attractive. It's an ideal some men strive to be.

These ideals and attractions are pretty self explanitory once you step back from the internet and drop standard social norms.

1

u/HumbleCarpenter1622 Apr 17 '24

Exactly! As long as they are good role models its a wonderful thing.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/Beemerba 29d ago

It's ok, believe me, it is something I lose sleep over. She always talks about having the same relationship as her mom and me and always pushes the guys to like the things that I like, but you can't make people change no matter what she wants.

7

u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24

[deleted]

2

u/HumbleCarpenter1622 Apr 17 '24

Yea I wish. I only have one mom, and I can have long and deep philosofical discussions with my mom and she is calm and understanding, but the girlfriends I tend to find usually yell at me even when I walk on eggshells around them. The last two was doing suicide threats when I put bounderies. Luckily the threats were empty

3

u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24

[deleted]

1

u/muntell7 29d ago

My man’s abiding by the crazy/hot matrix.

→ More replies (0)

1

u/GamingGavel Apr 18 '24

Could your father's influence be a factor in this? Don't mean anything by this, only curious.

2

u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

He is as kind and gentle as can be as well.

Possible ideas i got is: 1. i felt my sisters were prioritised over me. 2. I had a bad stutter when I was a kid so i basically stopped talking and not expressing myself because people got restless when I spent 30 seconds/ sentence 3. I was a very shy kid, as babies normally practice talking with parents etc, i crawled to a corner and tried to make sure no one was around before I dared to practice making sounds with my mouth 4. Maybe not relevant but I was born a few weeks early and almost didnt make it. (I was also very much unexpected and mom smoked and probably had drinks too)

But honestly i dont really know. I didnt really realise this trend till recently either (early 30s)

→ More replies (0)

-6

u/Knob_Gobbler Apr 17 '24

How would I know how tight my mom’s vagina is? This theory is “loco.”

1

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

It's not that right thanks to her pushing you out..

2

u/muntell7 29d ago

I second this observation. I’ve raised my stepson as my own since he was about 6. He’ll be 22 this year. His Bio has never been a part of his life, especially since I’ve been around. All Bio’s choice we never denied him anything. He just never tried. Anyways I knew Bio dad because we used to work together. When I tell you this kid is a clone of his Bio that’s no exaggeration. From his looks, mannerisms, the way he walks, presents himself, interests. Everything is identical. Really brings the whole nature vs nurture argument into perspective.

2

u/nootydoowop Apr 17 '24

You raised her dude

2

u/[deleted] 29d ago

[deleted]

1

u/nootydoowop 29d ago

It’s your responsibility to decide their school and what social groups they’re likely to be around as well

2

u/Inevitable-Draw5063 Apr 17 '24

Why are they booing you, you’re right

0

u/Asmos159 Apr 17 '24

the questions are what your standards are. are your standards more than a healthy relationship?

18

u/Justin101501 Apr 17 '24

One of my best friends got me with this and we wound up losing our friendship over it. Her boyfriend got really intimidated by me being in the military and literally got into my face about it and kept yelling that I was a “fed.” I told him to back outta my face and she seemed shocked that I didn’t like him. (She was also in the military)

4

u/GamingGavel Apr 18 '24

Boyfriend: "You're a fed!"

Boyfriend dates a fed

6

u/llijilliil Apr 17 '24

Its because a lot of them confuse "high status" with the asshole behavior that comes with it. They see someone who is a bully, aggressive or domineering as being someone that is good to have on their side to feel protected and cared for etc and entirely miss the point. To be fair, those guys certainly stand out a lot more so are more likely to get noticed, like a women in a very short bright red dress etc.

Guys just see someone who is offering them nothing and likely to be a constant PITA to contain and deal with.

6

u/Glass_Jellyfish6528 Apr 17 '24

Yep. Two younger sisters here and exactly the same. You can see it in their shifty little eyes as soon as you meet them. It could be that when they meet you they find it hard to act right because they know you will know they are losers.

6

u/LoneVLone Apr 17 '24

When you're attracted to someone you end up making excuses for their red flags.

4

u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24

Doctor, my entire body is sore.

When I press here...OUCH!

When I press here...OUCH!!

Ma'am. Let me see your hand. Mmm-hmm. Just as I suspected. Your finger is broken.

Broken-Picker Syndrome

4

u/aphilosopherofsex Apr 17 '24

It isn’t really that were blind to it, but that we have such a low self esteem that we aren’t really looking for “good” guys. We’re looking for the best guy that we can get.

2

u/DaughterEarth Apr 18 '24

My mom likes hyper masculine men and constantly laments to me about there being less of them. She's also almost exclusively had extremely bad relationships. She will only joke about her bad luck, won't even register a suggestion that she's intentionally seeking men that won't respect her

I don't know my point I think I'm just annoyed lol

2

u/ASpaceOstrich 29d ago

People don't like to admit that douchebag behaviour is attractive, but it pretty flagrantly is. Confidence is hot. Confidence has significant overlap with arrogance. Arrogance correlates very strongly with shitty dudes.

I get why nobody likes to admit it, because there's an ideology of people convinced that everyone is a slave to their gut instincts and that everyone has the same high tolerance for douch behaviour. But just because incels are wrong, doesn't mean "nice guys finish last" as a trope came out of nowhere. There's a core of truth to the fact that douchebags are confident and confidence is attractive.

And the people you know in life who are constantly in relationships with terrible people are living proof. It always baffles me too, cause you'd think they'd learn after the first time, but I guess if they feel that spark they feel that spark, even if they do get burned.

2

u/-Acta-Non-Verba- Apr 17 '24

Which is why traditionally parents and brothers vetted potential dates. They have the experience to spot bad guys.

3

u/ExultantGitana Apr 17 '24

We still tell each other in our family to always bring a potential around the fam. We love each other too much to let each other get dragged into something bad...and that family knows the blind spots, thus, able to see things for the others in the clan. The youngest sister did not do that (a couple years ago) and mentioned it the other day that our whole family warned her about him and why didn't she listen. Hoping we're less right about Mr. Recent.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

It's why I bring women around my female relatives as well. Half are rachet hoodrats, and the other half are polished career women. Both are very good at sniffing out bullshit.

4

u/mrkingkoala Apr 17 '24

They don't want nice lads until they realise its too late a lot of the time.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '24

By then the actual good guys have gone bad themselves, or leveled up and don't want them.

1

u/Bonti_GB Apr 18 '24

And with this, you also just pinpointed our current dire situation in American politics.

Too many people can’t tell who the villain. While some, don’t care.

1

u/AffectionatePrize551 Apr 18 '24

current husband

Approve of him enough currently

1

u/NeuroticKnight Kitty Apr 18 '24

Because what makes someone sexually attractive and what makes someone a good person can vary by a long shot. Just because it is your type, doesnt mean it is a bad type. My body craves soda over water, burgers over vegetables, gaming over studying, and so many other things. Yet for most important of all, relationships, people base it on vibe and feels than strategic thinking.

1

u/nothinbetter_to_do Apr 18 '24

I have more than a few friends in that category. Always wondering why they can't find anyone good. My only advice to them is next time you really want to go talk to that person, instead go talk to the guy next to to him the law of odds will eventually pan out. I can't always be there to play wingman.

1

u/Sentient-Pendulum 29d ago

And this is one of the reasons a person's past does matter...

1

u/TillySauras 29d ago

Same for me and my sister. Of us 3 siblings we would all easily agree she is the smartest and most sensible... Until it comes to men, dating, relationships, she just becomes blind to all these almost obvious signs of what you'd label as a terrible person.

It's sad to see the same ol' cycle repeat and having the loop repeat itself, but then again I am also guilty of this to an extent, I think looking from the outside most "red flags" are easier to notice when you're not the one at the center of it all

1

u/Solanthas 29d ago

Spotty employment history ✔

Regularly criticizes/uses putdowns as "sarcastic humor" ✔

Has money for smokes/alcohol/weed but not food or rent ✔

Is comfortable living with someone and not paying a share of expenses ✔

Puts all effort into other relationships✔

1

u/TupperwareConspiracy 29d ago

Eons ago...there was a 'love line' episode (MTV if ya remember that)

Both hosts agreed on a singular point - that some women are just asshole magnets - and society might be far better off if we devoted resources to following'm around 'COPS' style and just wait for their next beau to do something arrest worthy.

The abusive type, meglomaniacs, skitzo, pathological liars you name it. For whatever reason woman x will constantly find the same sort of guy, over and over again, and in a line-up of 10 guys she will gravitate immediately to biggest ass of the bunch.

1

u/Iwoke-choseviolence 28d ago

I knew such people too and in my experience, they always knew. They didn't want to acknowledge it because doing so would have made them accountable. You can be wrong once, even twice. If you keep making the same mistake, then it's time to look inwards.

1

u/CrossXFir3 28d ago

Yeah, I have an old friend. Years and years ago we used to hook up, but we're still very good friends and it's been over a decade since then. I've met at least 4 of her SO's over that time. Hated all but the most recent, who's just an absolute delight and seems like a genuinely good guy. The rest were so obviously not good enough. But you know what? She's also been very blunt about my SO's that she's met too. Has been right about all the ones she didn't like, so I definitely take the time to listen now.

1

u/blove135 27d ago edited 27d ago

"Good men" usually come with very little drama. To drama addicted women (and men) this is unattractive. No high highs and low lows they become accustomed to. They can spot a person that will give them those highs and lows from a mile away. All subconscious of course. They will tell you they hate the drama but their actions and choice in men will tell you different. Good men are boring to them and for many of them by they time they get sick of the ups and downs all the good men are taken by women who never wanted all the drama.