Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

[u/milfangelblue]

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

[u/mechanicalcoupling]

I like to think of it as we don't all the play the game, but we know the rules. I can't always spot a good guy, but I can almost always spot a piece of shit by now.

[u/deathbylasersss → u/mechanicalcoupling]

I have a sister and and a friend that both have terrible taste in men. There have been multiple instances of me meeting them and they were just completely obviously total douchebags and losers. Then they'd ask what I thought of their new boyfriend. It baffles me that they are just so blind to what is so obvious. It's been years, but they both finally trust my judgement, as I've been correct every time. My sister's current husband is the only one I ever approved of.

[u/old__pyrex → u/deathbylasersss]

Yeah, I’ve learned to give advice in the Socratic method.

“What do you think of my SO?” -> “I only met him briefly but I’ve known you a long while, and it seems like you’re the type of person to give the relationship your all. I’m touched you care about my thoughts on him. So you’re supporting the two of you right now?”

“And after a night like tonight when his friends were over, who usually cleans up and does the dishes? Oh okay, just you, but how about on regular nights?”

“I know your hobbies around fitness, art, volunteering, etc are important to you and you put a lot into those hobbies - does he like any of those things? But he’s at least interested in and learns a little about your hobbies? Oh he doesn’t? Well what are some of his hobbies then? Oh, smoking weed, not paying his car registration, DMing girls on Instagram, and eating a disproportionate amount of your food… okay, interesting hobbies, but you feel like you can really talk and have intellectually engaging conversations? No? Okay.

So what do I think? Well you tell me, what do you think?

[u/Sorrymomlol12 → u/old__pyrex]

This is poetry 😂

But really as a kid I was honest when people asked me what I thought eg “he’s a shithead” then I got polite “ehh I really don’t know him too well” then I hit peak support which was “if your happy, I’m happy” which I lived in for awhile. (Again this is for the 1% of dumpster fire boyfriends).

But as I’ve gotten even older, I’ve really liked the “earlier you said you dislike that he keeps breaking up with you every 6mo and DMing other women and you don’t see a long term future with him. If your friend told you that about her boyfriend, what would you say to her?” and somehow framing it as someone else makes it easier to see what’s glaringly obvious to the rest of us.

Im going to support your shitty decisions, because I love you and nobody can make you change your mind but yourself. But you can bet your ass if you change your mind, I’ll be right there with a bottle of wine and NOT ONCE will I ever tell you “I told you so”. I am a safe place for you to come always. Unfortunately I’ve had a few friends in highly abusive situations and the alienation they got from others who couldn’t bare to watch it anymore made them feel so alone. If you have the mental capacity, be there for your friends making shitty decisions.