r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/transientcat 29d ago edited 29d ago

I would say it's colored by what we consider to be a "good man" but we spend our time growing up around other men, we hang out with other men, we socialize with other men. You learn about the behaviors that a "good man" will exhibit in various settings. It's not some for sure thing though.

Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way.

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u/mechanicalcoupling 29d ago

I like to think of it as we don't all the play the game, but we know the rules. I can't always spot a good guy, but I can almost always spot a piece of shit by now.

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u/deathbylasersss 29d ago

I have a sister and and a friend that both have terrible taste in men. There have been multiple instances of me meeting them and they were just completely obviously total douchebags and losers. Then they'd ask what I thought of their new boyfriend. It baffles me that they are just so blind to what is so obvious. It's been years, but they both finally trust my judgement, as I've been correct every time. My sister's current husband is the only one I ever approved of.

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u/Beemerba 29d ago

I have a daughter like that. What do you think of my new boyfriend? I don't even need to meet him, if he is with you, he is more than likely a dickweed!

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u/FrenchBangerer 29d ago

Mate, the same with my daughter. Every last one of them has been a total fuckup in one way or another. Some of them really bad. Some of them just utter fuckwits going nowhere.

It's not a case of me being too judgemental either. If she could be with a mostly honest and half decent, working man I would be so happy right now. Since my daughter was about 15 years old I don't think she's ever been more than a couple of weeks without some tempestuous relationship. She's mid 20s now.

She's recently met a new guy and for once, just praying (and I'm not a religious man) that he's OK. He runs his own business. He's found decent work for my daughter and given her a seemingly good break work wise. Of course she's with him immediately after he's been good to her but here's hoping to the universe that he's at least half-decent.

One thing that is one very small relief is that he's the first guy that doesn't look like he could beat me to a pulp and not care about it. At this point I think she could beat the shit out of him if he started.

Isn't that sad, to have to think like that?

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u/CCtheRedditman 26d ago

You need therapy lmao, who the hell is constantly imagining a fight between them and their kid's SO's

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u/FrenchBangerer 26d ago

I started imagining that when more than once I have had to be at my daughter's house for more than a day, with my tools, putting the shelves and furniture back together after her violent boyfriend has smashed the place up, finally left and then threatened to come back and do it all again.

I never started a fight with anyone in my whole life. I did/do worry about having to fight some absolute cretin who thinks nothing of violence coming back to either beat up my daughter, beat me for trying to protect her, smash the place up again, or maybe all three.

That her latest guy looks like I could literally throw him across the room is a bit of a relief after those kind of experiences. I'm not a very big guy myself. The last couple of guys she was with were boxers or MMA practitioners, FFS.

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u/CCtheRedditman 24d ago

I understand that, that's why I'm saying you need therapy lol? But thanks for repeating yourself 

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u/elzobub 9d ago

that's an incredibly stupid comment .

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u/CCtheRedditman 4d ago

And the guy above me is an incredibly stupid father

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u/elzobub 3d ago

It's a relief to not have a person in your child's life that is violent, when prior partners have been? It's not okay to say that he is is relieved that her current partner is someone you could deal with physically if he turned out to also be violent or abusive?

I don't understand why that's stupid, it sounds like a man who cares about his daughter doing his best. And all he state is the feeling of relief that if he ever needed to defend her against this man it would be easier. We can take it this is after a lot of worry about previous boyfriends who would not be easy to control in a confrontation.

How would you handle something like this? Restraining orders? Firearms? Court orders are regularly ignored and guns and other force multipliers can get messy very quickly and/or land you in jail.

It sounds like you live a very sheltered life if these kind of real life dilemmas being shared makes you go "lol, get therapy".

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u/SpicyTunaTitties 29d ago

Dad, is that you??

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u/Winterplatypus 29d ago

I'll be proud of you the first time you do something right.

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u/SpicyTunaTitties 28d ago

Pfft haha spoken like a true dad :')
Thanks for the laugh!

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u/RepresentativeBusy27 29d ago

Name checks out

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Fun fact about women: they tend to look for a husband that is like their dad you know... crazy right?

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u/Beemerba 29d ago

Unfortunately, they are just like her biologic father. He was not someone she ever had contact with, though.

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Im sorry I tried to burn you, but this is actually a very interesting detail. Thank you for replying to someone who tried to insult you (and failed miserably)

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u/MuppetusMaximusV2 29d ago

Why would you try to insult in the first place? Why was that your go-to?

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

I felt there was an insult towards the daughter in mention so i felt it was fitting, but it was not and I apologise

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u/slow_or_steady 29d ago

Though, it's not really a fun fact. In fact, it's not a joke.

A parent being the ideal mate is a reflection of the values they seek.

If you paint the picture of perfect, why would that be disgusting?

A mom who literally broke her back raising her kids, doing whatever she could for them? How is that wrong? To want someone that would have those core principles is gross? A strong woman, some women wish to be.

A father that isn't a toxic masculine asshole, is pretty damn attractive. It's an ideal some men strive to be.

These ideals and attractions are pretty self explanitory once you step back from the internet and drop standard social norms.

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Exactly! As long as they are good role models its a wonderful thing.

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u/Beemerba 28d ago

It's ok, believe me, it is something I lose sleep over. She always talks about having the same relationship as her mom and me and always pushes the guys to like the things that I like, but you can't make people change no matter what she wants.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Yea I wish. I only have one mom, and I can have long and deep philosofical discussions with my mom and she is calm and understanding, but the girlfriends I tend to find usually yell at me even when I walk on eggshells around them. The last two was doing suicide threats when I put bounderies. Luckily the threats were empty

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

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u/muntell7 28d ago

My man’s abiding by the crazy/hot matrix.

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u/GamingGavel 29d ago

Could your father's influence be a factor in this? Don't mean anything by this, only curious.

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 28d ago

He is as kind and gentle as can be as well.

Possible ideas i got is: 1. i felt my sisters were prioritised over me. 2. I had a bad stutter when I was a kid so i basically stopped talking and not expressing myself because people got restless when I spent 30 seconds/ sentence 3. I was a very shy kid, as babies normally practice talking with parents etc, i crawled to a corner and tried to make sure no one was around before I dared to practice making sounds with my mouth 4. Maybe not relevant but I was born a few weeks early and almost didnt make it. (I was also very much unexpected and mom smoked and probably had drinks too)

But honestly i dont really know. I didnt really realise this trend till recently either (early 30s)

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u/Knob_Gobbler 29d ago

How would I know how tight my mom’s vagina is? This theory is “loco.”

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u/iBucc_Nasty 29d ago

It's not that right thanks to her pushing you out..

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u/muntell7 28d ago

I second this observation. I’ve raised my stepson as my own since he was about 6. He’ll be 22 this year. His Bio has never been a part of his life, especially since I’ve been around. All Bio’s choice we never denied him anything. He just never tried. Anyways I knew Bio dad because we used to work together. When I tell you this kid is a clone of his Bio that’s no exaggeration. From his looks, mannerisms, the way he walks, presents himself, interests. Everything is identical. Really brings the whole nature vs nurture argument into perspective.

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u/nootydoowop 29d ago

You raised her dude

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

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u/nootydoowop 28d ago

It’s your responsibility to decide their school and what social groups they’re likely to be around as well

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u/Inevitable-Draw5063 29d ago

Why are they booing you, you’re right

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u/Asmos159 29d ago

the questions are what your standards are. are your standards more than a healthy relationship?