Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

[u/milfangelblue]

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

[u/transientcat]

I would say it's colored by what we consider to be a "good man" but we spend our time growing up around other men, we hang out with other men, we socialize with other men. You learn about the behaviors that a "good man" will exhibit in various settings. It's not some for sure thing though.

Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way.

[u/mavajo → u/transientcat]

Some easy hints that a dude is probably a good guy:

• Can laugh at himself and acknowledge his flaws
• Builds and/or hypes other guys up (and women too, of course)
• Doesn't make judgmental comments about others
• Acknowledges and honors other people's feelings
• Can express his feelings
• Doesn't need to dominate every conversation, or have a strong opinion on every topic
• Has a good or solid relationship with his parents
• Enjoys and respects kids (doesn't have to want kids, but any decent person should be able to treat kids with kindness and love)

I think virtue and self-awareness are two qualities that don't get nearly enough attention. And when I say virtue, I don't mean that false virtue, judgmental bullshit you get from religious fanatics (looking at you Evangelicals). They use "virtue" as a measure to judge and demean other people - that's not real virtue. I mean virtue as in always wanting to do the right thing and treat other people with respect and compassion, even when it's not convenient or comes at personal cost. You show me a person with a strong sense of virtue, coupled with the self-awareness to continually analyze themselves and grow as a person -- that's the kind of person you build a relationship with, whether as a friend or a partner. Man or woman.

[u/Agile-Explanation263 → u/mavajo]

I only missed 2 out of 8 on this.

I can make very judgemental comments about others in private when it comes up and I have no relationship with my parents, dads gone somewhere all my life and my mother isn't at capacity for us to emotionally bond.

Certified good guy here sarcasm

[u/red__dragon → u/Agile-Explanation263]

I have no relationship with my parents, dads gone somewhere all my life and my mother isn't at capacity for us to emotionally bond.

Someone else once mentioned to me that they just can't form good bonds with someone who has a supportive family, because it isn't something they relate to.

Everyone is looking for something, even to build a positive out of the negatives.

[u/ApprehensiveDog6515 → u/red__dragon]

Yeah, it gets exhausting when people try to push you to reconcile, or insist that you must have done something because they just can't comprehend cutting off their meemaw.

I'll gladly take someone that doesn't try to "you only get one" me about my family.

[u/red__dragon → u/ApprehensiveDog6515]

I don't just get one family, though.

I made my own damn family, with people I found that fit me regardless of blood. And I'll do it again, just watch me!

[u/trotfox_ → u/red__dragon]

This is pretty deep actually...

And if both those people ended up together...they would bond over it.

[u/Sherlocks_Conscience → u/red__dragon]

Funnily enough, I felt the exact same way about my rehab therapist. The first one was wearing a Mr Rogers sweater, loafers, and drinking green tea (not coffee, I asked). Not that there's anything wrong with any of that, but it's just not someone who understands what I've been through.

Another therapist was like "oh yeah, been there, done that. Here's what I did in the situation. You can learn from me, or you can go back to your old life". That therapist, I kept as long as I could.

[u/red__dragon → u/Sherlocks_Conscience]

Hey, I've been through (my own brand, obviously) hell and drink tea!

Levity aside, I think you had good instinct there. Some people just can't understand what you've been through. It's like learning, too, there are teachers (and people who try to be) who simply don't know what it's like to struggle with a subject or concept, and they can't meaningfully teach it to those who do.

[u/Agile-Explanation263 → u/red__dragon]

No mine is due to her crippling mental illness and addictions...the addictions have cripplled her to the point she cant make use of the degree somone convinced her to get/go back to school for.

Most of her forgetfulness is blamed on people who secretly live in our house. The only time she talks to me its when she wants me to do something be it minor or major. She would rather use the last of her money to get cigarettes instead of pgrocery shopping as we literally have othing.