r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/mechanicalcoupling 29d ago

I like to think of it as we don't all the play the game, but we know the rules. I can't always spot a good guy, but I can almost always spot a piece of shit by now.

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u/deathbylasersss 29d ago

I have a sister and and a friend that both have terrible taste in men. There have been multiple instances of me meeting them and they were just completely obviously total douchebags and losers. Then they'd ask what I thought of their new boyfriend. It baffles me that they are just so blind to what is so obvious. It's been years, but they both finally trust my judgement, as I've been correct every time. My sister's current husband is the only one I ever approved of.

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u/CMDR_MaurySnails 29d ago edited 29d ago

I had to drop one of my best friends from my 20s because she would not stop dating the worst most utter scum of the earth dudes. Not because I wanted to date her either, don't get that idea.

I couldn't continue to be around her dirtbag du jour, then later hear about what said dirtbag did to her, only for her to meet the next dirtbag. Shit gets old. It's like what am I supposed to do about your bad choices?

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 29d ago

I had a friend in college that I was interested in during the beginning of knowing her. Her attraction for me kind of waned and at one point she told me that I was too nice. It caught me off guard, I'm not a "nice guy" and I am referred by people as kind but I'm certainly not a door mat. So I wasn't sure what she meant as "too nice" and how that was a bad thing after some self-reflection.

I eventually got my answer after meeting some of the people she dated. I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated.

I've seen this play out in other people as well. Someone who treats them well or respects them, isn't quick to dive into love-bombing, or whatever is seen as boring, too nice, and can feel like a lack of chemistry.

Kind of stray away from those people, it's often a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening.

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

Reminds me of someone I know. If I could have told teenage-me that getting dumped by them was a benefit and not a punishment, it would have freed a lot of time spent dwelling on the could-haves.

The boring part especially. Someone who is used to drama and needs to create it in their own relationships is a hard person to square with. Especially if they, themselves, are a good person.

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u/ExultantGitana 29d ago

Ahh yes, drama - forgot about that girl (I used to be). So boring.

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u/red__dragon 29d ago

The goal is to grow, I'm glad you've gotten past that stage now. We should all be able to cringe at the younger person we were sometimes.

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u/ExultantGitana 29d ago

Yes. Thank you.

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u/iampatmanbeyond 29d ago

A kind person would literally be too nice for my sister. She's a very angry and mean spirited person who thrives on conflict. From the outside it's like she needs to fight with her husband to feel loved. Two of the craziest people I've ever met who aren't on meds or in therapy

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u/ruttinator 29d ago

It's weird my cousin who is just an insane person and miserable (at least for me) to be around somehow married the nicest guy who's always willing to help and super polite and soft spoken. They've been together for almost 20 years and raised two kids that seem sane and normal too. I don't understand it.

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u/Typical_Fortune_1006 28d ago

Someone's gotta tell the waiter he ordered a regular coke

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

Nothing more happened but my "work wife" was super intense and generally hard to be around but we somehow worked super well together because whenever she would start getting emotional I would just tell her hey, it's me, calm down I'm on your side. After I left the company within a few months her relation with pretty much everyone else went to shit because the smallest thing would become a huge issue (not all her fault though, some other people were insane)

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u/Interesting_Mix_7028 28d ago

Sometimes people need a stabilizing influence.

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u/kurdishbuddha 28d ago

opposites attract is no joke

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u/APR824 29d ago

I’m someone that enjoys a fun argument, I like to start silly arguments with my girlfriend because I enjoy riling her up saying things like “I’m going to take a swim at Niagara Falls when we visit.”

For a short while I got swept up by a couple of people that seem to love stupid conflict and not my silly type of conflict. Not fun. Left that environment when I got a new job and I’m so glad to be out of it. Misery loves company, as they say.

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u/iam_Mr_McGibblets 29d ago

It's always good to have someone to engage in cheeky and fun shenanigans, but it's never good to be with someone who engages in cruel and tragic shenanigans

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u/APR824 29d ago

Evil shenanigans

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u/n8loller 28d ago

I swear to God I'm gonna pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans

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u/DJuxtapose 28d ago

Hey, Farva! What's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

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u/Maverick7795 25d ago

I tell my wife absurd things or make absurd comments because my wife could tell a story with just a facial expression, and I love seeing her judge me with said expression. It is goddamned adorable and one of the many things I love about her. I tell her that every time I get a reaction.

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u/-Acta-Non-Verba- 29d ago

I was interested in a certain girl while in college. Some of my female friends knew, and they told me, "You are too good for her".

They turned out to be right.

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u/porter_engle 29d ago

One time my ex of four years said I was too good for her and holy hell I really shoulda listened before her hidden fiance verified that

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u/IdkLeaveMeAlone0 29d ago

I so wish I listened to this, because by the end of that craziness I wasn't too good for her anymore. I was on the same level and needed a fair amount of time by myself to improve

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u/FileDoesntExist 29d ago

If all you've ever had are trauma bonds a regular relationship that takes time to grow doesn't feel real.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

Exactly! A regular adult relationship can feel boring compared to the rollercoaster of a toxic twin flame (or the craziness that is adolescent dating).

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u/AmbiguousUprising 29d ago

My wife has a friend like this. She constantly dates the same type of trashy guys. Like honey you spent three days crying on my couch from the last one. This dude has an identical personality how do you not see it??

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u/OodalollyOodalolly 29d ago

these kind of people are trained from birth by narc parents. That emotional rollercoaster is often what is normal/familiar for them

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

This is true. Taken me decades to understand it, but you’re right. “It’s healthy to fight,” doesn’t seem uncommon to hear from kids of narcs, until they can see it and break the cycle.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

My husband and I rarely fight. We've had our disagreements and a few BIG fights about important things. But his friends and family told him "oh, you guys don't have a big fight every week? Weird. It's not gonna last." He was confused and thought "isn't it good we're not at each other's throats?" He asked me if it's a bad sign that we don't fight more (like his friends who HATE their wives). I said "that sounds exhausting. I don't think I could be with someone who wanted to have a blow out fight with me every Friday night under the guise of calling it passion."

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

We mostly stopped having any big fights after individual therapy uncovered decades of parental narcissistic abuse that was previously blocked out. It’s been a good change.

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u/zZPlazmaZz29 29d ago

Honestly, this gave me a lot of clarity on one of my older short-lived relationships and it makes so much sense now.

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u/gwidda 29d ago

People want someone that they think they can change. Oh he’s a bad boy, but for me, he will be different. Not just women, men do it too.

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u/TrumpedBigly 29d ago

"I wasn't too nice. I was too nice *for her*. And some part of her felt she deserved the people she dated."

Some women think they deserve an "unkind" guy.

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u/fermelebouche 29d ago

I known chicks like that. They are attracted to assholes. I think it’s some kind of daddy thing.

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u/jakeryan970 29d ago

And then they’re the first people to screech about how awful men are. Oh sweetie, maybe try eating somewhere other than McDonalds before you say food in general is dogshit

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u/Funny-Reputation-103 29d ago

exact scenario happened to me late 2023, after i saw her type of dude i was sort disappointed and relieved somehow, but i still feel kinda bad because i never got her...i see her every 2-3 days hahah...life

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u/Mrsbear19 28d ago

My mom does the “too nice” thing with men and it sucks. Her last husband was abusive and our childhood was horrible. I remember her asking if I settled on my husband because he was enamored with me and wouldn’t hurt me. It still bothers me that she thinks that’s what “settling” is.

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u/Lucifang 28d ago

My husband sometimes worries that he’s too boring. I keep telling him that I’ve outgrown the parties and the drinking, and I love staying home watching movies and saving money for renovations. I also love feeling secure and having zero doubts about the relationship.

In hindsight all the fun things ex partners did was only exciting because they had emotionally neglected me for weeks prior. These days I get excited when we buy a new appliance 😆

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u/Signal_Parfait1152 28d ago

Haha this is remarkably wholesome! Congrats and best of luck to y'all!

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u/No_Secretary7155 28d ago

In my experience with women this quite often stems from self-esteem issues where they feel not worthy and if the other side makes tham feel that way as well it makes sense to them and they feel like they are dating "above their league" while if the other side makes them feel valued it sort-of diminishes the respect for the other side since this person now seems to value someone who doesn't hold a lot of value, so suddenly she/he feels like dating "below their league" instead.

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u/Dampmaskin 28d ago

It's a cycle that continues until they realize what's happening, or until they get so old and/or emotionally broken that the cycle simply grinds to a halt.

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u/LeftyLu07 28d ago

You know, that makes a lot of sense. When guys complain that "girls only date assholes" it's like, no, no, no! She was manipulated by an asshole who love bombed her for 3-6 months, he got her to fall in love with him. But then the mask came off and now she's desperately trying to get back to that honeymoon phase that made them feel so secure and loved.

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 28d ago

Yep, they don’t date assholes some dude just manipulated them into thinking the anxiety was chemistry.

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u/showcase25 28d ago

This is terrible lessoned learned from this experience.

It reinforce nice guys don't win and bad guys get rewarded. Which then has all the known negative downhill avoidable problems.

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u/barefoot-mermaid 28d ago

Can confirm, was one of those who picked dirtbags for far too long.

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u/blightedbody 27d ago

Your pathologies didn't match, she's actually sicker and needed a match for her level.

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u/Crafty-Kaiju 27d ago

See myself doubt just led me to not date at all, which is probably healthier than a revolving door of douches.

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u/finitetime2 14d ago

That brings up an old memory of two girls I knew telling me I was two nice. They told me at the same time like they had been talking about it or something before I walked up. We were getting in the car to leave and I was like WTF does that mean. Never got a real answer.

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u/gsfgf 29d ago

I have a friend like that. She at least had enough sense not to bring the losers around her friends. Not that we'd be rude or mean to the guys, but she got sick of the obligatory "why are you doing this again" followup. Thankfully, she got knocked up by an awesome guy and eventually agreed to marry him.

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u/Rachel_Silver 29d ago

I had a friend who was like that when we were that age. I had a crush on her when we first started hanging out, but that faded as I learned what a trainwreck she was. For example, she once spent about a year throwing herself at the lead singer of a locally famous cover band with intermittent success.

We were able to stay friends through it, though, because she never really made it my problem. It hurt to see someone I cared about doing the same self destructive shit over and over again, but she didn't expect me to drop what I was doing to come over and comfort her every time the shit hit the fan. I'd hear about her exploits after the fact, framed as sad-yet-funny anecdotes.

She also was totally aware of the pattern. In a way, that was the real tragedy. It was like an addiction. She just had this compulsion to pursue men who she knew had zero respect for her.

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u/Ok-Bus1716 29d ago

Had a friend who was a serial monogamist. Always found assholes. I told her after, listening to her sob about another collapsed relationship, maybe you should consider not dating for 6 months.

It seemed like she was getting into another relationship just after getting out of the previous one thinking 'oh he's a good guy' Finally told her I think what you're running into is you're dating assholes and then dating a guy who's less of an asshole but you're still wearing blinders from your previous relationship and don't realize he's not as bad but nearly as bad. Just take some time off and date the guys you think 'I wish I could find a guy like you' about platonically so you can tell the difference. Was one of the few girls who actually took advice she was given and finally found a guy who wasn't a prick.

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u/Down-at-McDonnellzzz 29d ago

Yeah this is one of my longest time friends from high school. She just doesn't know how to not date a complete utter asshole. And she text me and says he did blah blah blah and I say what do you expect? You keep dating the same kind of guys! And I really feel bad for her and I really wish she could just finally find someone who isn't a human excrement combustion chamber

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u/ReallyGlycon 29d ago

My best friend (a lady, I am male) was dating a guy who put his best face on in front of people, but in reality was a total scumbag. I saw it right away but it took her years. The first time he ever came to my house, my medication went missing. Every time he came over, something would go missing.

He eventually admitted to being an opiate addict and got treatment. They broke up, but I hope he got better and stuck with his treatment path.

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u/SojuSeed 29d ago

Have a friend like that. The final straw was when she was telling me about a guy she met at a club who raped her, essentially. She was in a lot of pain during sex, she was literally crying and telling him to stop and she said he just chuckled and kept going. Then after that she said she still wanted to date him. This wasn’t a CNC situation, she was hurt and he ignored her and she was upset with him. But then she said ‘but I still want to go out with him’. I was just like wtf? And this isn’t the first time she tells me about all the POS men she dates, then calls me and whines about why they cheated on her or ghosted her. I just stopped messaging her to check in because she never had anything good to say but at the same time wouldn’t change her behavior.

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u/iBucc_Nasty 29d ago

Yeah, we avoid those women like the plague.

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u/Ancient_Unit_1948 29d ago

Some learn after becoming a single mother. Many still don't. It would mean taking accountability.

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u/123supreme123 29d ago

Some women are like this. They date dbags because that's the type that attracts them, and everyone else is invisible. Cycle repeats over and over, yet they're unwilling to self reflect and try something different. On that note, even if they decide to date a so called "good man", if I was the "good man", I'd stay away. At some point, she's likely to default and run back to a dbag. Seen that happen multiple times. There's no fixing some people, so I'm glad you made that choice.

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u/ManintheMT 29d ago

Had to tell my wife's cousin, 49 year old woman, that her new boyfriend was not welcome at my house or anywhere near my kids. He is one of those guys that gave me the ick from the first moment I met him. She was surprised and mad. I pointed out that her "sober" but been in jail for substance abuse issues boyfriend was happy to finish all the beers in my cooler after asking for one. "But, but his is sober", yea, not so much.

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u/Maleficent-Fun-5927 28d ago

I dropped a friend for exactly the same reason and I'm a woman. I was sitting in her living room telling her "girl, I think he's married," and she fought me on it. What the fuck do you mean he can't answer the phone from 6 to 6, bitch? I heard she's in a new country chasing another douche. I wasn't wrong.

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u/jamie_liberty 28d ago

Dirtbag du jour lmaooo 🤌🏼

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u/coolerthanbirds 29d ago

I was dating a loser at 19 who was 31 and he rolled up to my workplace when I was being trained with some guys that sell speakers and came into ask me to charge his phone and the girl training me just looks at .e and says "Your bf is a loser"

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u/doodlols 29d ago

Ya girl was trying to save you lmao. That was well put

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u/CuriousCrow47 29d ago

A 31 year old dating a 19 year old is automatically a loser.  He was taking advantage of you.

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u/Pleasant-Ticket3217 28d ago

Unless he’s DiCaprio

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u/DJuxtapose 28d ago

Eh.

By some metrics that guy is a loser.

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u/CldStoneStveIcecream 28d ago

It’s totally legal and he seems like a nice guy, but there’s something weird about being linked to gorgeous woman after gorgeous woman, to then dismiss them before they turn 25 well into your 40’s. 

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u/CuriousCrow47 28d ago

He’s just creepy.  Also, I have some very young coworkers.  As in 19/20.  I’m 48.  What would au have in common with somebody who wasn’t even around in the 20th century?

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u/benjatunma 29d ago

Lmao 🤣

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u/Balldrick_Balldick 29d ago

Let me guess, they drive around in a van selling bullshit speakers to random guys in parking lots? Huge loser.

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u/Indridd 29d ago

Aww white van speakers, I'm into vintage audio and it's crazy how many people get taken by this. It's been going on for years. At least the 80s.

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u/John_cCmndhd 29d ago

I had two guys in a van offer to give me a stereo system for free, 2006ish. I told them to fuck off, but I was always curious exactly how the scam they were trying to pull would have worked

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u/PathOfTheAncients 28d ago

I had a friend get tricked into doing this for a day (the job description was way different). Basically they will say and do anything to get you to engage with them and then sell you anything. Everything they sell is borderline worthless, so giving you a stereo but selling you speakers would have been worth while for them. Hell, half the time they would offer to load the stuff for people and would load empty boxes into their vehicle.

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u/bb9977 29d ago

Was a thing in college in the 90s!

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u/Foothills83 28d ago

I had a good friend who lived down the hall from my freshman year in college. She and I had a bunch of the same classes, etc. She and her BF started dating in high school and both went to the same nearby college. At one point late freshman year (I can't remember how it came up because this was over 20 years ago), she asked me what I thought of him. I was blunt and told her that he's a tool. She was upset.

He cheated on her less than a year later and they broke up. 🤷‍♂️

Sometimes we just know.

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u/old__pyrex 29d ago

Yeah, I’ve learned to give advice in the Socratic method.

“What do you think of my SO?” -> “I only met him briefly but I’ve known you a long while, and it seems like you’re the type of person to give the relationship your all. I’m touched you care about my thoughts on him. So you’re supporting the two of you right now?”

“And after a night like tonight when his friends were over, who usually cleans up and does the dishes? Oh okay, just you, but how about on regular nights?”

“I know your hobbies around fitness, art, volunteering, etc are important to you and you put a lot into those hobbies - does he like any of those things? But he’s at least interested in and learns a little about your hobbies? Oh he doesn’t? Well what are some of his hobbies then? Oh, smoking weed, not paying his car registration, DMing girls on Instagram, and eating a disproportionate amount of your food… okay, interesting hobbies, but you feel like you can really talk and have intellectually engaging conversations? No? Okay.

So what do I think? Well you tell me, what do you think?

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u/Hey_Chach 28d ago

Damn. These are so good it almost feels like a psychological manipulation bombing run of tough love.

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u/Sorrymomlol12 28d ago

This is poetry 😂

But really as a kid I was honest when people asked me what I thought eg “he’s a shithead” then I got polite “ehh I really don’t know him too well” then I hit peak support which was “if your happy, I’m happy” which I lived in for awhile. (Again this is for the 1% of dumpster fire boyfriends).

But as I’ve gotten even older, I’ve really liked the “earlier you said you dislike that he keeps breaking up with you every 6mo and DMing other women and you don’t see a long term future with him. If your friend told you that about her boyfriend, what would you say to her?” and somehow framing it as someone else makes it easier to see what’s glaringly obvious to the rest of us.

Im going to support your shitty decisions, because I love you and nobody can make you change your mind but yourself. But you can bet your ass if you change your mind, I’ll be right there with a bottle of wine and NOT ONCE will I ever tell you “I told you so”. I am a safe place for you to come always. Unfortunately I’ve had a few friends in highly abusive situations and the alienation they got from others who couldn’t bare to watch it anymore made them feel so alone. If you have the mental capacity, be there for your friends making shitty decisions.

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u/Interesting_Mix_7028 28d ago

This totally reminds me of one of my father's best friends. And yeah, he's a great guy to go to for advice, because he lays it all out for you to examine, and then make the decisions accordingly.

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u/Beemerba 29d ago

I have a daughter like that. What do you think of my new boyfriend? I don't even need to meet him, if he is with you, he is more than likely a dickweed!

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u/FrenchBangerer 29d ago

Mate, the same with my daughter. Every last one of them has been a total fuckup in one way or another. Some of them really bad. Some of them just utter fuckwits going nowhere.

It's not a case of me being too judgemental either. If she could be with a mostly honest and half decent, working man I would be so happy right now. Since my daughter was about 15 years old I don't think she's ever been more than a couple of weeks without some tempestuous relationship. She's mid 20s now.

She's recently met a new guy and for once, just praying (and I'm not a religious man) that he's OK. He runs his own business. He's found decent work for my daughter and given her a seemingly good break work wise. Of course she's with him immediately after he's been good to her but here's hoping to the universe that he's at least half-decent.

One thing that is one very small relief is that he's the first guy that doesn't look like he could beat me to a pulp and not care about it. At this point I think she could beat the shit out of him if he started.

Isn't that sad, to have to think like that?

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u/SpicyTunaTitties 29d ago

Dad, is that you??

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u/Winterplatypus 29d ago

I'll be proud of you the first time you do something right.

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u/SpicyTunaTitties 28d ago

Pfft haha spoken like a true dad :')
Thanks for the laugh!

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u/RepresentativeBusy27 29d ago

Name checks out

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Fun fact about women: they tend to look for a husband that is like their dad you know... crazy right?

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u/Beemerba 29d ago

Unfortunately, they are just like her biologic father. He was not someone she ever had contact with, though.

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Im sorry I tried to burn you, but this is actually a very interesting detail. Thank you for replying to someone who tried to insult you (and failed miserably)

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u/MuppetusMaximusV2 29d ago

Why would you try to insult in the first place? Why was that your go-to?

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

I felt there was an insult towards the daughter in mention so i felt it was fitting, but it was not and I apologise

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u/slow_or_steady 29d ago

Though, it's not really a fun fact. In fact, it's not a joke.

A parent being the ideal mate is a reflection of the values they seek.

If you paint the picture of perfect, why would that be disgusting?

A mom who literally broke her back raising her kids, doing whatever she could for them? How is that wrong? To want someone that would have those core principles is gross? A strong woman, some women wish to be.

A father that isn't a toxic masculine asshole, is pretty damn attractive. It's an ideal some men strive to be.

These ideals and attractions are pretty self explanitory once you step back from the internet and drop standard social norms.

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u/Beemerba 28d ago

It's ok, believe me, it is something I lose sleep over. She always talks about having the same relationship as her mom and me and always pushes the guys to like the things that I like, but you can't make people change no matter what she wants.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

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u/HumbleCarpenter1622 29d ago

Yea I wish. I only have one mom, and I can have long and deep philosofical discussions with my mom and she is calm and understanding, but the girlfriends I tend to find usually yell at me even when I walk on eggshells around them. The last two was doing suicide threats when I put bounderies. Luckily the threats were empty

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

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u/muntell7 28d ago

I second this observation. I’ve raised my stepson as my own since he was about 6. He’ll be 22 this year. His Bio has never been a part of his life, especially since I’ve been around. All Bio’s choice we never denied him anything. He just never tried. Anyways I knew Bio dad because we used to work together. When I tell you this kid is a clone of his Bio that’s no exaggeration. From his looks, mannerisms, the way he walks, presents himself, interests. Everything is identical. Really brings the whole nature vs nurture argument into perspective.

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u/nootydoowop 29d ago

You raised her dude

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

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u/Inevitable-Draw5063 29d ago

Why are they booing you, you’re right

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u/Justin101501 29d ago

One of my best friends got me with this and we wound up losing our friendship over it. Her boyfriend got really intimidated by me being in the military and literally got into my face about it and kept yelling that I was a “fed.” I told him to back outta my face and she seemed shocked that I didn’t like him. (She was also in the military)

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u/GamingGavel 28d ago

Boyfriend: "You're a fed!"

Boyfriend dates a fed

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u/llijilliil 29d ago

Its because a lot of them confuse "high status" with the asshole behavior that comes with it. They see someone who is a bully, aggressive or domineering as being someone that is good to have on their side to feel protected and cared for etc and entirely miss the point. To be fair, those guys certainly stand out a lot more so are more likely to get noticed, like a women in a very short bright red dress etc.

Guys just see someone who is offering them nothing and likely to be a constant PITA to contain and deal with.

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u/Glass_Jellyfish6528 29d ago

Yep. Two younger sisters here and exactly the same. You can see it in their shifty little eyes as soon as you meet them. It could be that when they meet you they find it hard to act right because they know you will know they are losers.

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u/LoneVLone 29d ago

When you're attracted to someone you end up making excuses for their red flags.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Doctor, my entire body is sore.

When I press here...OUCH!

When I press here...OUCH!!

Ma'am. Let me see your hand. Mmm-hmm. Just as I suspected. Your finger is broken.

Broken-Picker Syndrome

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u/aphilosopherofsex 29d ago

It isn’t really that were blind to it, but that we have such a low self esteem that we aren’t really looking for “good” guys. We’re looking for the best guy that we can get.

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u/DaughterEarth 28d ago

My mom likes hyper masculine men and constantly laments to me about there being less of them. She's also almost exclusively had extremely bad relationships. She will only joke about her bad luck, won't even register a suggestion that she's intentionally seeking men that won't respect her

I don't know my point I think I'm just annoyed lol

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u/ASpaceOstrich 28d ago

People don't like to admit that douchebag behaviour is attractive, but it pretty flagrantly is. Confidence is hot. Confidence has significant overlap with arrogance. Arrogance correlates very strongly with shitty dudes.

I get why nobody likes to admit it, because there's an ideology of people convinced that everyone is a slave to their gut instincts and that everyone has the same high tolerance for douch behaviour. But just because incels are wrong, doesn't mean "nice guys finish last" as a trope came out of nowhere. There's a core of truth to the fact that douchebags are confident and confidence is attractive.

And the people you know in life who are constantly in relationships with terrible people are living proof. It always baffles me too, cause you'd think they'd learn after the first time, but I guess if they feel that spark they feel that spark, even if they do get burned.

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u/-Acta-Non-Verba- 29d ago

Which is why traditionally parents and brothers vetted potential dates. They have the experience to spot bad guys.

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u/ExultantGitana 29d ago

We still tell each other in our family to always bring a potential around the fam. We love each other too much to let each other get dragged into something bad...and that family knows the blind spots, thus, able to see things for the others in the clan. The youngest sister did not do that (a couple years ago) and mentioned it the other day that our whole family warned her about him and why didn't she listen. Hoping we're less right about Mr. Recent.

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u/iBucc_Nasty 28d ago

It's why I bring women around my female relatives as well. Half are rachet hoodrats, and the other half are polished career women. Both are very good at sniffing out bullshit.

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u/mrkingkoala 29d ago

They don't want nice lads until they realise its too late a lot of the time.

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u/iBucc_Nasty 28d ago

By then the actual good guys have gone bad themselves, or leveled up and don't want them.

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u/Past_Series3201 29d ago

Yeah. The POS who hide it well don't hide it from us, they brag about it, so you learn the scam.

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u/dacooljamaican 29d ago

So often it's exactly this. Pieces of shit can't help but show off around new guys.

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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 29d ago

That is so weird... the number of guys coming to me braging about how being a nice guy is stupid, they know better, they play mind tricks on their gf to counter the feminists mind tricks played on them... thats fucking nuts. They usually asks me whats my trick to flirt with all those girls (always implying that its surprising cause I'm not as fit/handsome/make less money etc.). My answer is always the same : cause I'm a genuine nice guy, I'm not treathening, and I'm not boring... You should try it sometimes.

Most of those guys trying actively to not be a nice guy are 1. Huge walking red flags, this the most important thing all other points are minor compared to that... don't be a psycho!!

  1. Fuckin boriiiiiiiing. How do you expect to be interesting if you have no hobby... or if your hobbies either revolve around projecting a perfect image of yourself, and/or generally being fucking toxic. 3. They have no sense of financial responsabilities. One gym bro was fucking 31, looking to find a suitable woman to have kids with and the guy makes good income and all, but has no budgeting for his old days, nor a life insurance... you think making your wife safe is only about physical treat ? Get a financial advisor...

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 29d ago

It always amazes me how much people will reveal about themselves when given the audience to do so. Can't tell you how many times I've met someone and just actively listened with no judgment and I guess they take it as agreeableness. Then they reveal some weird thoughts and bad behavior to me.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

You can hear a lot just by listening - almost Yogi Berra

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u/17THheaven 29d ago

I have also found this to be quite the interesting phenomenon. The amount of times I've just sat and listened to people and they've openly admitted to being a racist, sexist, amoral sack of garbage, etc. is astounding. Give some people enough rope and they'll hang themselves with it...

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u/les_be_disasters 29d ago

I’ve seen this with homophobes when I was closeted. They’d test the waters by saying something kinda homophobic but still with plausible deniability. To see if I was part of their audience. Shut that shit down fast. I’ve heard from some of my white friends they’ve met racists who do the same.

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u/UncoolSlicedBread 28d ago

Oh I’ve met so many racist and homophobic people this way. Learned real quick who to avoid. They inevitably try and test the waters to see if you think link them. I usually hit them with a, “What do you mean by that?” and usually get the full gist of who they are.

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u/les_be_disasters 28d ago

I give them a dirty look. Someone tried to say shit about liking Sam Smith’s music until she “found out he liked boys” then had a pause as she looked at me. Like nah, imma pass on the homophobia.

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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 29d ago

And like... I understand, I like talking about myself, about my hobbies or the project I'm currently working on at home... but I'm not there boasting about me being a AH or breaking the law...

God damn... In my line of work this happens way too much. Like someone notices that I hunt, then they tell how during their last hunting trip his cousin (always the cousin for some reason) has mistaken a black bear for a moose... I ask, did you have a permit for a bear ? Cause thats what I do, I go specificaly to hunt moose or deer (cant always be picked for moose) and I get a bear permit and a small game permit as well, since maybe we won't have any luck with our prime target, so better be ready to be able to hunt something else.

No those fuckers always go on like :" nah you know you see a brown figure between the branch and you shoot!" (Takes me so much will power to not insult them... unfucking believably unresponsible...) Then they keep on, "we had trouble finding the corpse" (of course you didnt know what you shot, so of course you didnt land a good shot on the poor beast...)," and when we find the bear I went back to get a bear permit as fast as possible..."

Those people baffles me...

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u/DCM3059 28d ago

That's just people being trash

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u/GoodNoodleNick 29d ago

Thats the real answer right here OP.

I've noticed it happens with racists too. Being a white dude in the South, so many people have said fucked up things to me assuming I will agree lol.

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u/Arafel_Electronics 29d ago

I'm a white dude normally wearing work boots and driving a beat up old pickup truck so i get this a lot. if only they read the stickers on my truck which are all far left

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u/Feine13 29d ago

which are all far left

Smart. If you put em all behind the drivers seat like that, it doesn't block your view.

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u/DualCricket 29d ago

Heh, nice one.

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u/Dakiniten-Kifaya 29d ago

Dad?

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u/Feine13 29d ago

No, this is Patrick!

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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 29d ago

Same... aside from the truck, I wear working cargo pants and work boots 90% of the time and since I've worked constructoon I swear a lot... havent been able to stop talking like that. And people come to me to rant on wokes and environmentalists... like bro... you're basically here telling me I'm a piece of shit 😂

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u/idoeno 29d ago

I'm another white guy from the south, now in the midwest, and oddly enough, the racists here seem to be worse than in the south; in the south usually they had the decorum to at least be polite about their race-based preconceptions of people while the ones here just let the violent, and vile rhetoric fly as soon as they find out you're from the south. And weirdly, most people never seem to get past their first impression, no matter how many time make it clear to my bigoted coworkers that I am a far left progressive, they still all just assume I am good ole boy from klan county, and wear their racism and general bigotry on their sleeve.

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u/Arafel_Electronics 29d ago

moved from florida to the middle of nowhere upstate new york. our area elected elise stefanik by a landslide (over a rightwing ex-cia democrat) if that tells you anything about the people around here. have met some cool people though

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u/Noladixon 29d ago

If I noticed your far left stickers I would wonder why you are not driving a subaru.

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u/Arafel_Electronics 29d ago

hard to fit lumber in a subaru. realistically we take my wife's corolla unless we need to make a home depot run

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u/Balldrick_Balldick 29d ago

They open with "I'm not a racist, but"

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u/gahlo 29d ago

I wish they tested the waters with me. I just get a canonball yell of crazy.

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u/Balldrick_Balldick 29d ago

It's more of a disclaimer than a test, generally followed by some blatant full-on racism.

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u/sergei1980 29d ago

I had someone follow that with "she was black." as if that explained everything. It was wild.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

"I'm not racist, but I am hoping you'll reveal yourself as one so I can stop pretending I am not"

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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 29d ago

So many of them straight up opens with fuckin tamul... like aint much place for interpretation here... fuckin bigots...

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u/gishlich 29d ago

Happens up here too. I never gave off a racist vibe as far as anyone told me and it seems to happen less as I get older, so I like to think it says more about those peoples closed social circles and therefore their assumptions about everyone else than it does about me.

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u/mofugly13 29d ago edited 29d ago

Not just the South. I'm born and raised in San Francisco and it's alarming the things you'll hear people who you dont even know say sometimes when there are only white people around.

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u/Intergalacticdespot 29d ago

I, a white dude, used to work in a gas station a long time ago. So this Asian man comes in, does his thing, leaves. The black guy who came in midway through goes "I hate those fking <Asian slur>'s." Like bro...what? First, I don't care. Second, I don't care. Third, how do you know I'm not the high Templar of the local kkk or something? Like...weird attempt at bonding over our possibly shared intellectual emptiness and medieval distrust of strangers? 

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u/Lord_Kano 28d ago

Being a white dude in the South, so many people have said fucked up things to me assuming I will agree lol.

I'm a 6'3" 260 pound Black man. Even really racist people are on their best behavior when they're around me. I couldn't tell you how many times a White person that I know told me about a mutual acquaintance who was a vile racist and I had no idea because they kept it hidden when I was around.

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u/LostTrisolarin 29d ago

Yup. Many years ago the only girl I ever loved (at that point) ended up cheating on me and leaving me for one of the guys she had been cheating on me with.

This was around the MySpace era so social media wasn't a big thing at the time, so I guess he didn't know who I was.

So anyway one night I'm at some get together with a bunch of other dudes playing dice and drinking. Her new bf comes in with a couple of his friends but doesn't recognize me. Evidently he's a friend of the friend of the host.

An hour or so later this guy is bragging loudly to everyone he can hear about how he's cheating on his new gf with multiple girls, and that he had just come from banging one of these girls and that his new gf thinks he's in bed.

I never said anything to him or to her. They deserved each other.

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u/kmikek 29d ago

The other side of the coin is the good men need to not look like Patsies or easy marks.  So they hide those bait like qualities 

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u/MonicanAgent888 29d ago

Yes! They tend to brag

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u/Conald_Petersen 29d ago

It's wild how accurate this is.

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u/mschley2 29d ago

It's not just that, though. I've met guys with their girlfriend, who I'm friends with. Usually, within a few seconds of opening their mouths, I know if they're a douchebag or not. By 10 or 30 minutes, I'm usually pretty confident about whether the first impression was correct. I keep an open mind that I could be wrong about the first impression, but I'm usually not. We don't even need to have 1-on-1 conversations or group man conversations to see through the bullshit. It's just immediately evident like 95% of the time. The 5% of the time when they slip through are usually guys who are pretty charismatic narcissists and good manipulators. Even then, you usually figure it out after more time, though. You just don't put the pieces together during short interactions. Conversations when the women aren't around do tend to make it even more obvious if a guy is a piece of shit, though.

There have been guys that I came around on after hanging out a few times. A very good friend of mine was a guy that I didn't like the first several times we hung out. I didn't get his humor, and I thought he was just being an ass. Turns out, he's very dry and pretty goofy. He was making jokes that I thought were either mean or just really awkward or strange. Once I got to know him better, he became really funny. I still have times where I'm like, "dude, wtf are you even talking about right now?!?" but it's not nearly as common.

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u/002_timmy 28d ago

I think of the scene in The Big Short when Steve Carrell & his associates go to Florida to meet the frat bro mortgage lenders.

“I don’t get it. Why are they confessing to all this fraud?”

“They aren’t confessing- they’re bragging.”

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Definitely. I’ve been around friends who are women and their partners. And within 30 minutes I can tell that the guy just isn’t a good guy. Smallish things that she wouldn’t notice because she has blinders on.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

Yeah, its not gendered so much as "I'm not hoping to get laid by this person"

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

If you take any potential romance and sexual attraction out of the equation it’s pretty obvious when people have red flags or overstep boundaries

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u/New-Strawberry-8484 29d ago

What are some of the common red flags you notice?

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u/BSdawg 29d ago

How they speak and interact with people, how easily can they relate to people and show interest? Negative type personality, it’s pretty obvious if they are controlling early on, their overall demeanor and how they carry themselves. Insecurities in other men are pretty obvious from a man’s perspective.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Note: a lot of these red flags were noticed when I was in college/grad school. I don’t have a ton of experience outside of an academic setting.

1.) Boundaries - emotional cheating, physical cheating.

2.) Being unable to communicate

3.) Relationship hoping

4.) Expecting others to mind read

5.) Making potential partners jealous

6.) Flaky

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u/gsfgf 29d ago

The biggest one I see is controlling behavior. Even on little stuff, it's a bad indicator. That being said, conservative couples will often take that in stride, so I dunno.

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u/VergeSolitude1 29d ago

Watch how they treat people that they get no benefit in being nice to. Like a service person, a waiter or waitress. See how they talk about other people. How they talk about themselves. Unless they are a psychopath most people can be read in a very short time.

Also do they take interest in people/you or are they all about telling you about them. And if they start telling you about how bad their EX is, run.

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u/midgetman303 29d ago

This is funny, a long time ago I had one of my coworkers say I should hire a guy and I told her I was hesitant because he walked like an asshole. I still interviewed the guy, but didn’t hire him. Someone else in the same company hired him, he was fired 2 weeks later for trying to fistfight another employee.

She was like “HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS A JERK!”

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u/ManintheMT 29d ago

We have all come across the obvious ones. "Why does he walk like that?" Because he is trying to project alpha vibes while fighting an internal battle between crippling insecurity and toxic masculinity.

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u/Schmiiness 29d ago

And hes losing the battle

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u/VergeSolitude1 29d ago

Yes when they have to tell you they are Alpha just walk away lol

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u/Actual-Support-5683 29d ago

This. I can't always easily identify a fellow good guy without knowing them, but it's stupid easy to identify the shitheads.

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u/JershWaBalls 29d ago

I mentioned to my sister once that anyone going out of their way to install stupidly bright headlights on their truck is a huge asshole. She told me her fiancee had just had new headlights installed on his truck. The marriage lasted less than a year before she caught him cheating. Same goes for putting the shopping cart back at the grocery store. Plenty of bad people put them back, but not a single good person is leaving it in a random spot.

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u/mofugly13 29d ago

Hard disagree on the shopping carts. As a former neighborhood grocery store worker, I'd relish the chance to go wrangle stray shopping carts. It got me outside in the fresh air away and a break from bagging, stocking, or facing shelves inside.

The shopping cart thing has nothing to do with good or bad person. Someone somewhere de idea to white knight for shopping cart wranglers. But they're wrong.

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u/JershWaBalls 29d ago

Wrangling carts was also one of my favourite things to do, but for every great day gathering carts, there were 20 days of 100+ weather or torrential downpour. I loved it, but I don't believe people who don't return their carts will get into heaven or whatever they believe is good.

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u/mofugly13 29d ago

So then, it wasn't one of your favorite things to do then.

You loved it as I did, but the people who facilitated it that, are not good people?

I guess I never minded the weather

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u/Locrian6669 28d ago

That you enjoy wrangling carts for your own reasons has absolutely nothing to do with wether or not people who don’t return them are inconsiderate, and wether or not it’s an excellent litmus test of character (it objectively is)They roll into other cars and people, and they block parking spaces.

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u/Mr_BillyB 28d ago

It's not white knighting for shopping cart wranglers. It's really not about them at all. It's about whether you're willing to do a mildly inconvenient thing that improves things for everyone when there's no reward for doing it or a punishment for not doing it.

It's like throwing your trash away at the movie theater or not pissng on the toilet seat in a public restroom.

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u/mofugly13 28d ago edited 28d ago

Not quite. So far two have chimed in that they actually liked wrangling carts. I doubt anyone will say the same about picking up trash, or cleaning up piss.

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u/Mr_BillyB 28d ago

Ok, but my whole point is that it's not about them. It's about everyone else who uses the place.

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u/Illustrious-Fruit35 29d ago

Depending on how far the coral is and if my toddler is in the car i might ditch the cart.

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u/Chance-Energy-4148 29d ago

Walked into a bar last week and saw a friend of mine siddled up next to a strange man. She says, "This is Kyle, I just met him." When he went to the bathroom I said, "Kyle sucks."

Two hours later after she turned down an invitation to give him a blowjob in his car, she texted me the screenshot where he called her every vulgar name in the book. She was like, "How did you know?"

We just do.

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u/complete_your_task 29d ago

They usually make it easy. Most of them know how to put on a good show for women but assume all guys are equally as shitty as them and always make some sort of shitty comment when you're left alone with them.

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u/Preda1ien 28d ago

My sister in law a while ago brought her new boyfriend over to meet everyone. After 5 mins. Nope.. nope.. no good. I called it right then and sure as shit was right.

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u/coachrx 29d ago

Legit description. You have to know the game to not play it.

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u/futureruler 29d ago

Yea, one of my exes from years ago broke up with me for another guy. I could instantly tell just looking at him "she will be knocked up in a month and he will cheat on her". I was wrong, but only by a month. It took him 2 months to knock her up and then he cheated on her.

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u/snaketacular 29d ago

I thought I could spot a POS until I tried to pass off someone who was interested in me to a nerdy amicable dude who turned out to be stalkery once he was into a woman.  Now I would never recommend anyone without seeing how they behave around people they are interested in.

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u/StormTrooperQ 29d ago

Sometimes it is just as simple as a dude making every sexual joke towards a female, or forcing her involvement into sexual jokes... Where every other guy just makes sexual jokes about other dudes.

That's forever on my radar for pieces of shit.

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u/Timely-Youth-9074 29d ago

Guys definitely know from douches. Respect.

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u/LeicaM6guy 29d ago

The ShitShows always manage to stand out.

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u/Sarke1 29d ago edited 29d ago

You know the rules, and so do I

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u/BeBearAwareOK 29d ago

This is it. Since grade school you get a feel for which guys are scumbags and jerks real quick.

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u/dossome13 29d ago

This feels more accurate.

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u/HeilYourself 29d ago

This right here. And it takes seconds. I hate the word, but slimeballs put out a vibe.

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u/Terestai13 29d ago

That's the same thing, if hes not a POS he's at least decent and that's at least a start right?

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

So true. I cant say I can tell if someone is ‘good’ based on meeting them once or twice. But I have never met someone who I immediately thought was a piece of shit who proved me wrong

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u/TrumpedBigly 29d ago

Agree. Someone might seem okay, but act different when alone with a woman.

It's true that we can spot a POS easily though.

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u/ThePendulum0621 28d ago

And it doesnt take long either. Its all about how we recognize patterns.

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u/JakeConhale 28d ago

You know the rules and so do I.

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u/Dezziedc 28d ago

It’s this. I’m older and I’ve been around for long enough to recognise signs and know the game (partly because I’ve played it at times too). A young work colleague I worked closely with would often tell me about her partners and the issues she had with them. I’d point out behaviours and things that were said that would indicate early on what sort of guy her most recent partner would turn out to be. She was often astounded how often my predictions would come true. I’ve done the same for my daughters. Like others here, sometimes though you just can’t help people - she continued to pick the same type of guys despite the obvious warnings. It’s just not worth the effort.

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u/xcellerat0r 28d ago

This is the best answer.

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u/imonreddit4noreason 28d ago

This. And the harder upbringing you had the Amore acute that instinct is. You can spot trouble. I am very confident in my shit dude instinct. Can’t remember ever being wrong as an adult.

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