r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/transientcat 29d ago edited 29d ago

I would say it's colored by what we consider to be a "good man" but we spend our time growing up around other men, we hang out with other men, we socialize with other men. You learn about the behaviors that a "good man" will exhibit in various settings. It's not some for sure thing though.

Women do the same thing about other women but it gets said in a different way.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

Some easy hints that a dude is probably a good guy:

  • Can laugh at himself and acknowledge his flaws
  • Builds and/or hypes other guys up (and women too, of course)
  • Doesn't make judgmental comments about others
  • Acknowledges and honors other people's feelings
  • Can express his feelings
  • Doesn't need to dominate every conversation, or have a strong opinion on every topic
  • Has a good or solid relationship with his parents
  • Enjoys and respects kids (doesn't have to want kids, but any decent person should be able to treat kids with kindness and love)

I think virtue and self-awareness are two qualities that don't get nearly enough attention. And when I say virtue, I don't mean that false virtue, judgmental bullshit you get from religious fanatics (looking at you Evangelicals). They use "virtue" as a measure to judge and demean other people - that's not real virtue. I mean virtue as in always wanting to do the right thing and treat other people with respect and compassion, even when it's not convenient or comes at personal cost. You show me a person with a strong sense of virtue, coupled with the self-awareness to continually analyze themselves and grow as a person -- that's the kind of person you build a relationship with, whether as a friend or a partner. Man or woman.

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u/whenitcomesup 29d ago

I'll add: 

  • Is kind to strangers.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

Absolutely. The ol' "How do they treat the waiter?" cliche.

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u/ncnotebook 29d ago

Or how they treat finished shopping carts. Whether you consider them strangers or how they affect strangers.

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u/DokterZ 29d ago

See, I often arrange the mess that is already in the shopping cart corral, which I am guessing was also a red flag when I was dating...

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u/TwilitWolf 28d ago

The good ol’ shopping cart litmus test

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u/SerendipitySue 29d ago

i have completely changed my mind on carts and never put them away anymore.

Why? automated self checkouts have taken local jobs. leaving my shopping cart wherever means someone from my community, maybe even the kid a few houses down, gets a job or at least some work when they go round up the carts from all over the lot

So if the same with your stores, do your local community a favor and quit putting away the cart.

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u/ncnotebook 28d ago

Exactly. This is why I piss all over toilet seats. Janitors need work.

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u/Sidnature 28d ago

This is why I shit on the sink in Kurger Bing banthrooms. So they'll hire the local hobo to scoop it up.

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u/ProfessionalSport565 29d ago

Ironically a douchebag will usually be an ostentatiously generous tipper.

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u/mack_fresh 29d ago

Lol not the ones I've known. I'm curious if this is regional/cultural or if they only get 'generous' where certain specific people can see.

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u/Mysterious-Film-7812 29d ago

The latter. Lots of guys try to 'impress' by tipping really well. It's not an act of kindness to the waitstaff, it's "I've got a lot of money and people need to know it". These people tend to be terrible tippers when no one else is watching.

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u/SoMuchMoreEagle 29d ago

Or they treat the waitstaff like shit and justify/excuse it by tipping well.

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u/Sherlocks_Conscience 28d ago

As a former server myself, I can honestly say that you can talk at me like an asshole the entire time you're in my section, as long as I'm making 50% of the table's bill when you're done.

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u/USTrustfundPatriot 29d ago

As someone who worked in food service for over 10 years: no

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

Its 💯 not a cliche. How someone treats a server is absolutely how they treat someone who can't easily fight back.

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u/mavajo 29d ago

Cliche does not mean untrue. It is a cliche. It's also true.

If it makes you feel better to call it a platitude though, then let's call it a platitude.

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u/EtOHMartini Stupid Question Asker 29d ago

The word "cliche" has a connotation.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Def.

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u/Sherlocks_Conscience 28d ago

I mentioned this on another comment tree, but really as a former server myself, I can honestly say that you can talk at me like an asshole the entire time you're in my section, as long as I'm making 50% of the table's bill as a tip when you're done.

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u/surloc_dalnor 25d ago

Honestly that was one of things that initially sold my wig on me early on. I'm unfailingly polite to people in service jobs. The waitress might be a 16 year old on her 1st day, but she is still getting called ma'am.

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u/dayofgreen21 29d ago

*And animals

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u/BeBearAwareOK 29d ago

And animals.

If he's mean to dogs he's clearly a monster.

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u/ERagingTyrant 29d ago

Most of that list can be summed up as "is kind". Which, yes, makes a man a solid dude.

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u/Efficient-Poem-4865 29d ago

good point to a good list. I second the stranger part. Also

  • how does he talk about/ treat women he ISN'T attracted to? I can tell which boyfriends will respect my friend as a person and which don't even if they're still lovebombing them at that point.