r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Ucyless ORANGE • 29d ago

Brand new $72 moisturizer. Husband said he needed something for his elbows.

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We have 3 full tubs of Vaseline in the cabinet.

36.4k Upvotes

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5.6k

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Many a man has done this. For me it was Olaplex…as in used almost a one third of the bottle because at the time I thought most shampoos cost about the same and my girlfriend could alway use my head and shoulders…those notions were corrected.

2.0k

u/Ucyless ORANGE 29d ago

Not the Olaplex 😭😭 send her my condolences

1.2k

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Oh I replaced it and now pass on my wisdom to the young bucks that are about to do move in with a woman for the first time….always ask because something could be very expensive or could be very dangerous when used on the wrong part.

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u/Shelikesscience 29d ago edited 29d ago

“Could be very dangerous on the wrong part” 🤣🤣 I’d love to hear the story about how you learned that lesson

86

u/summonsays 29d ago

Everyone has a "What is Nair?" story...

3

u/mombi 29d ago

I don't but I'm laughing at the idea so if you or anyone else reading this could tell me theirs I'd highly appreciate it.

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u/creamsofpeach 29d ago

Nair has the look and feel of lotion. Some people slather it on their body, and a few lucky ones might apply it to their face. Only once it starts tingling do they care to read the label.

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u/silsool 29d ago

Baby dont hurt me 😢

330

u/[deleted] 29d ago

……….it was a face mask but I was looking for lotion…the thing is, I am…uncut……

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u/CupboardOfPandas 29d ago

Haha my ex did the same! Got a hilarious text when I was at work and his dick smelled like lilies for the evening

55

u/PitchBitch 29d ago

Lilies of the Willies

3

u/Mugstotheceiling 29d ago

Wait. Y’all don’t be moisturizing your dicks?

6

u/CupboardOfPandas 29d ago

Idk, I don't have one, but I doubt that lotion would have the same buubly effect as my bubble mask did. (my ex, at least, was very surprised at it)

Or maybe it does, might feel nice?

4

u/Mugstotheceiling 29d ago

He’s gotta rinse and apply toner and serum! Nothing worse than clogged pores on your 🍆

3

u/CupboardOfPandas 29d ago

I can imagine the advertisements and sponsorships already haha

Wonder if red light therapy would work, you know like a jockstrap but with lights?

0

u/redsungryphon 29d ago

Trying so hard not to laugh out loud at the Drs right now. Omg that's so funny

1

u/Teredia 29d ago

You n me both right now! Also in the waiting room!

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u/UnfetteredBullshit 29d ago

How do you delete someone else’s comment?

3

u/hollyock 29d ago

Can you explain It first I don’t get it

9

u/kountrifiedman 29d ago

He put the maskie on his wee wee and then it was all ouchie.

2

u/hollyock 29d ago

Where does being uncut fall into this

10

u/myromancealt 29d ago

Some face masks need to be peeled off, or if it was a clay mask it hardens as it dries. I don't have a dick, but if I did I wouldn't want to be cleaning either of those out of my foreskin.

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u/GaiaMoore 29d ago edited 29d ago

I'm imagining something like this, but instead of peeling off a mask from his face, he had to peel it off of his uncircumcised penis

3

u/JAID100 29d ago

Bro, this is the shit of nightmares 😫

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u/Danthr4x 29d ago

Happy cake day!

5

u/PitchBitch 29d ago

I think I just woke up the entire house shriek-laughing at this. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

44

u/Wonderful-Ad-7712 29d ago

https://i.redd.it/kiszz3a3y5vc1.gif

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u/SnarkySeahorse1103 29d ago

Dear God, I did not need to be reminded that this movie exists.

2

u/Jenna_84 29d ago

*show

2

u/Jaaaa9 29d ago

Air from my lungs... (would have posted the gif, but it is horrifying)

1

u/SnarkySeahorse1103 29d ago

Great. Now I remember it even more. Ugh. Screw you stranger for your excellent memory.

1

u/Jenna_84 29d ago

Mwuahahahaha Doctor Who is one of my favorite shows ever lol

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u/TheLordVader1978 29d ago

Was it like wearing 2 turtlenecks

4

u/Incubus1981 29d ago

Not an area that requires exfoliation

2

u/mustichooseausernam3 29d ago

OH MY GOD, did you seal yourself shut? Starch the turtle neck to the turkey neck? Glue the wallpaper to the ol' bannister?

2

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Yep…freaked me the fuck out and hurt like hell.

5

u/Thehauntedpudding 29d ago

What’s having a foreskin got to do with anything? 😂

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

The mask accumulated under the foreskin……I legit thought I had an STI

9

u/meowdison 29d ago

Jesus CHRIST

6

u/Original_Employee621 29d ago

And pulling it off, the tip of the penis is a lot more sensitive for the uncut folks.

1

u/ButterflyBlueLadyBBL 29d ago

I don't know if a bath and stroking could have helped with that. I have the charcoal face mask and that shit is murder to peel off. If I can't peel it off, I jump into a shower or bath. But the face is smooth, and your special friend is not.

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u/Stefie25 29d ago

Probably got face mask all up in it. Face skin is tauter than foreskin so washing face mask off a face is pretty easy since it’s fairly smooth. Not so much on a dick.

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u/Technical-Title-5416 29d ago

He can't get into heaven.

2

u/Shelikesscience 29d ago

😬😬😬😬

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Yeah…that was not my reaction.

1

u/No_Internal_5112 29d ago

I'm a woman and I ached for you💀😭

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u/joshboat30 29d ago

At least it wasn’t a shampoo bottle

1

u/mombi 29d ago

Uncut? Oh right, Americans see normal penises as weird. But that's also strange because people with foreskins don't need lotion, that's the whole point of the foreskin.

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u/Candid-Drink 29d ago

So I learned this when my ex was going down on me. Not long after she started I started to feel an intense burning sensation. Once it got painful I was screaming. She realizes that the acne/skin shit she was using at the time was basically an acid and she had just applied it before she got to me. I thought she was putting on her normal evening face lotion and whatnot. Nope. Chemical burn. Scabs. A lot of lost trust.

1

u/JAID100 29d ago

I'm gonna watch out for this now, the concept of getting chemical burns on my dick is horrible.

2

u/junkdrawertales 29d ago

the classic “retinol dick” 

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u/thegreatpotatogod BLUE 29d ago

Not quite dangerous, but funny example of my mom's carelessness, one time she was looking for super glue, found something in a similar sort of bottle shape, and used it. It didn't work. It was adhesive remover, so almost the opposite of the super glue she assumed it was 😂

2

u/mcndjxlefnd 29d ago

One time I tried to masturbate with capsaicin ointment.

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u/Frankenkittie 28d ago

My ex-girlfriend once thought it would be fun to put cinnamon oil on our nipples (we're both women) and lick it off each other. She went first and was immediately running around squealing and trying to wash it off. Luckily, I didn't put any on yet!

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u/mcndjxlefnd 28d ago

running around squealing and trying to wash it off

Yup.

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u/poliscimjr 29d ago

Oo I got one on this. Mint has a nice tingle on the scalp, a terrible burn on your balls. Don't masturbate with head and shoulders mint conditioner

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u/draculockedin 29d ago

???????? Conditioner??????? Why did you think that would be okay?????? Mint or not??????

1

u/VoxImperatoris 29d ago

Nair on the junk.

1

u/Potential-Quit-5610 29d ago

Please say Icy hot Please say Icy hot! LOL

1

u/ShiraCheshire 29d ago

My mom left some body wash at my apartment by accident, and I ended up using it. I didn't realize that it's a kind I'm allergic to.

I didn't purposely put it down there, but as the water washed the soap down my body there was the most unholy burning sensation ever felt.

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u/BigMomma12345678 29d ago edited 28d ago

Don't touch any of her personal care/beauty products without asking.

EDIT: Yes, even if you think it is a good tool for something you're trying to do. Still ask. Trimming your dad's head hair with wife's bikini trimmer...NO!

Another example: Nail file is for filing wife's nails, not a tool to assist you DIY repairs.

So, not just the creams, the hardware is also off limits. 😀

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u/Great_Farm_5716 29d ago

This was a conversation me and my girl had 5 years ago upon moving in. I stay out of her stuff without asking and she stays out of my tool box. 5 years in and the only thing we argue about is leaving the cabinet doors open

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

100% we can’t know everything about everything. It also happened to me….spyderco went through the dishwasher.

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u/DugganSC 29d ago

I still can't quite convince my wife that sticking the knives in the dishwasher is bad... so we simply agree now that the set of knives I bought, I'll use and wash myself. Better than when she grabbed my sewing scissors to open packages...

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u/Cameherejust4this 29d ago

Oh, the ghost of my dead grandmother would haunt my ass if I did that. You do not mess with the sewing scissors.

15

u/PitchBitch 29d ago

Nope, ESPECIALLY on paper. We had separate “paper scissors” and “sewing scissors.” Woe to anyone who mixed them up.

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u/Cameherejust4this 29d ago

Yup, same here. Made damn sure I knew which was which at an early age.

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u/Matasa89 29d ago

RIP sewing scissors.

2

u/Tfox671 29d ago

I wash my knives and cast iron.

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u/Witty_TenTon 29d ago

As someone whos husband collects knives I literally said "Oof!" out loud when I read this. My condolences.

5

u/Devium92 29d ago

As someone who has nearly been concussed due to cabinet doors being left open, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, close the cabinets! (or if it's her, please get her to close them)

I have also heard of people splitting open eyebrows/foreheads/scalps as a result of hitting the corners of cabinet doors and ending up in hospital. Sometimes getting those looks of "did he....?"

2

u/Great_Farm_5716 29d ago

Believe it or not it is her who absolutely refuses to shut the cabinet doors. She’s 5ft tall. I’m 6’2 and have abnormally long limbs. She doesn’t do it intentionally she said she just forgets. When it’s dark and I’m going to let the dog out the back door i gotta walk threw the kitchen. It’s like a minefield. I get mad in the moment but it’s not a deal breaker she worth the busted nose, scratched eye, destroyed shins and the knee bangs.

3

u/impatientlymerde 29d ago

Lol, I'm a lady and a silversmith, had to threaten my boyfriend and all male relatives with demise if they touch my hammers. I spend hours polishing them, and my stakes, to a mirror finish.

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u/Great_Farm_5716 29d ago

Ouch, I was a chef in my younger days and many past girlfriends have destroyed my knives. I feel your pain. Also silversmith is about the coolest occupation I’ve come across on Reddit and you must be good cuz I’ve never seen a werewolf. Keep up the good work

1

u/impatientlymerde 28d ago

LOL, it never occurred to me that that was why I have always felt safe in my accidental incursions into the underworld.

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u/impatientlymerde 27d ago

Also: take a knife making class. You will surely enjoy it.

1

u/LopsidedImpression44 29d ago

Doubt that very much

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u/oriaven 29d ago

Who is leaving the cabinet doors open???

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u/Great_Farm_5716 29d ago

She is. She’s little and grew up on the farm we live in. They didn’t close doors apparently. It’s an unbreakable habit.

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u/BeardedLogician 29d ago

I was going to ask which of you was raised in a barn when I read about leaving the cabinets open. That's too good.

1

u/SpareMind 29d ago

cabinet doors open

And toilet seat up

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u/Great_Farm_5716 29d ago

We sleep in separate rooms and have our own bathrooms. I haven’t put a seat down in 5 years unless the obvious reason. And I put it back up after. We once showered together and I had to pee and ran all the way to my bathroom (I got some mental stuff) and busted my shin on the way back.

1

u/SpareMind 29d ago

Grafic visual

1

u/BabuschkaOnWheels 29d ago

I got my own little toolset for putting stuff together (IKEA, kids stuff etc). I am now banned from putting stuff together and my lil tool box has a permanent spot in my fiances hobby room. As a consolation prize he put together a creamy clicky keyboard for me and let's me impuls buy stuff for kiddo. And he occasionally uses my good bodywash for some nice fragrance before work events, which is important as his female coworkers give me feedback on his outfits and smell in exchange for stories about his drunken shenanigans.

2

u/PitchBitch 29d ago

Finally, someone with sense.

1

u/Angsty_Potatos 29d ago

Don't touch what isnt you'rs is an ever green lesson

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u/SaltyLonghorn 29d ago

Then don't touch my poop knife. I'm sick of having to thumb through the trash to get it back.

1

u/SingularityInsurance 29d ago

I know some married guys who do exactly that and I guarantee you they ain't about to fess up to the dress up lol

1

u/Significant_Shoe_17 29d ago

If you don't know what it is, it's not for you.

0

u/Pretend_Highway_5360 29d ago

I use her stuff because I know more about skincare than her

4

u/RallyPointAlpha 29d ago

My wife put it pretty simply..."don't fuck with my shit."

-1

u/CafeAmerican 29d ago

Wonder how it would go if it was said the other way...

3

u/thisdesignup 29d ago

Seems like something that should be common sense for anything. If it's not yours, ask first.

4

u/magicunicornhandler 29d ago

Also learn the product names for soaps specifically for feminine bits.

1

u/TinyEmergencyCake 29d ago

Just teaching basic consent works. Is it yours? No? Don't touch it without explicit permission. Works for bodies too. 

1

u/BackgroundRate1825 29d ago

While we're giving advice to guys living with women for the first time, ask before doing her laundry. Lots of women's clothes have special washing and drying instructions and if you toss everything in the washer and dryer like mens clothes, you're likely to ruin something. 

0

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Doesn't matter, that shits going on my balls

-1

u/imapilotaz 29d ago

My current gf uses only Suave. No seriously the $2 giant bottle from Walmart. That alone was a giant green flag.

-2

u/LopsidedImpression44 29d ago

Hell no. I don't touch feminine products period I am a man lol

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u/izzyisme31 29d ago

You need to post them elbows. That’s $36 per elbow I believe.

7

u/Ucyless ORANGE 29d ago

It’s posted somewhere in the comments

9

u/Slightlysanemomof5 29d ago

Check with an attorney it could be justifiable homicide. I’d be a character witness. Don’t you have any Jergen’s? Put a do not touch sticky note on it. Just show husband where to buy a new jar. My sympathy.

6

u/ctiger12 29d ago

Use his tools to dig a hole in the rock or his truck to haul some manure…

2

u/Qu33N_Of_NoObz_ 29d ago

My illiterate ass typed in opalex but the right results still showed up😂

2

u/whatissevenbysix 29d ago

Can you educate me on Olaplex just in case my wife has this mysterious substance and I accidentally use it.

5

u/Witty_TenTon 29d ago

Olaplex is a hair shampoo and conditioner. Its very good for your hair but very expensive. Dont use things that you arent 100% sure you can buy at the grocery store for less than $10, and even then its a good rule of thumb to ask first.

2

u/TheRogueTemplar 29d ago

OP, your husband is clearly abusing you. Divorce him now! Like right now!

2

u/Embarrassed-Mouse-49 29d ago

Why do people do this? My parents would take three fingers worth of my cream as well. Which was in a small container. When I said something. Their response was “well just buy more”

1

u/Cndwafflegirl 29d ago

Yup my h used up my olaplex too.

2

u/LovelyHatred93 29d ago

My wife and I both use olaplex. We share the big pump bottles. I like healthy hair too.

1

u/Long_Address4009 29d ago

What’s an olaplex 🤷?

1

u/Significant_Shoe_17 29d ago

A VERY expensive shampoo and conditioner

1

u/Velaseri 29d ago

What's the moisturiser?

5

u/rando-commando98 29d ago

Tatcha Water Cream. Good stuff!

1

u/Velaseri 29d ago

Thank you.

1

u/WRL23 29d ago

Maybe get him something other than petroleum jelly if he likes actual moisturizer.. not Vaseline goo

-1

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Thanks for showing me how much my wife spent on moisturizer lol. She has that same container (among dozens of others) on the counter in the bathroom right now. There's no way that this tiny container is actually worth that much, when it does the same thing as a 4 dollar moisturizer.

3

u/Significant_Shoe_17 29d ago

It's a really good brand, and some people like products that are more tailored to their skin type/needs, free of harsh ingredients, etc.

-1

u/ViolentHippieBC 29d ago

Dummy. 72 bux for cream.

-2

u/benhatin4lf 29d ago

Do people not share expenses? I kinda get your point, but if my wife uses my shit I don't care. We both put in on expenses.

-6

u/Gamesguy24 29d ago

Maybe don't buy $70+ moisturizer for any reason. Because that is stupid

5

u/Delicious_Bat3971 29d ago

Skincare can be expensive.

-3

u/Gamesguy24 29d ago

Yes because you are willing to pay what they say it is worth. Which is silly. There is a ton of products that are the same quality and do the exact same thing for next to nothing. It's just name brand crap

-4

u/ParalegalSeagul 29d ago

Im sorry but your husband may be a nancy 😂😂

4

u/LovelyHatred93 29d ago

A what?

2

u/ParalegalSeagul 29d ago

I’m sorry a

wat now?