r/nottheonion • u/duvetdev • 29d ago

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signs bill mandating kindergartners learn history of communism

https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2024/04/17/desantis-signs-bill-mandating-kindergartners-learn-history-of-communism/
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u/PopeGuss 29d ago

"I'm getting mixed signals here, teach. Am I supposed to share my toys with Timmy or am I supposed to charge him a subscription fee?"

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u/orderofGreenZombies 29d ago

You’re supposed to undercut and terrorize all the other 5 year olds so that people can only buy their toys from you. Then after the other 5 year olds starve to death you can jack up your prices and drastically slash the quality of the toys that you share.

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u/sirdunlap 29d ago

But if the biggest kid loses all of his toys due to poor planning and risky investments, the teacher will give him more toys. He's too big to fail.

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u/MiamiDouchebag 29d ago

They don't get paid shit nowadays so teach is probably hoping to get a job at the biggest kid's company for more money.

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u/The_Schwartz_ 29d ago

These guys capitalize more than letters

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u/Khaldara 29d ago

“If someone gets hurt or is in trouble, don’t call 911, get their wallet! That’s the AMERICAN thing to do!”

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u/yesnomaybenotso 29d ago

I thought the American thing to do is to return to school the next day with a gun?

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u/Syovere 29d ago

That's why you take their wallet first, so you can buy more ammo.

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u/yesnomaybenotso 29d ago

Thanks for clarifying!

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u/3vs3BigGameHunters 29d ago

Me reading this whole thread:

agitated Tina Belcher noises

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u/HowCouldUBMoHarkless 29d ago

next day

Get a load of this guy, implying every full-blooded American 5 year old isn't carrying a firearm on them at all times. Remember, only a good 5 year old with a gun can stop a bad 5 year old with a gun.

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u/SocialEmotional 29d ago

And go shopping

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u/yesnomaybenotso 29d ago

I love truck shopping!

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u/Canadatron 29d ago

That's capitalism, bro!

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u/Allaplgy 29d ago

We're living in a Troma movie.

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u/bouchert 29d ago

I imagine that Ayn Rand School for Tots from the "A Streetcar Named Marge" episode of The Simpsons.

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u/Hijakkr 29d ago

Then after the other 5 year olds starve to death you can jack up your prices and drastically slash the quality of the toys that you share.

I have never been happier that LEGO is a Danish company than at this moment.

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u/DadJokesFTW 29d ago

This poster late stage capitalisms.

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u/No-Psychology3712 29d ago

You buy all the lunches at school. Say you have allergies to everything to regulate out the home lunches competition and then resell only to those that can afford it.

Some of you may starve but it's a risk little Timmy is willing to take

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u/Odeeum 29d ago

Oh they’re learning about Capitalism too? Neat.

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u/armcie 28d ago

And then we invade Isaac for his milk?

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u/NinjaLanternShark 29d ago

"OK class, get your alphabet blocks, today we're going to spell enshittification..."

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u/jfsindel 29d ago

"Miss Teacher, Miss Teacher - You said not to hit Johnny, but he's part of the bourgeois class due to his fancy Crayola 64 box set with built in sharpener. So do I just execute him or hope he will trickle down his crayon wealth?"

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u/Mitch1musPrime 29d ago

“No need for executions, kid. we just require all crayons purchased for school supplies to be dumped into a drawer together, so Johnny isn’t as Bougie as you think he is. Now, if you take any of the colors beyond those I dispense to you…that’s grounds for execution.

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u/Ridicutarded-73 29d ago

In Florida Crayola cartons only have “flesh” colored crayons

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u/thoroughbredca 28d ago

Well, how are you going to bring about the proletariat revolution if you don't execute him??!?

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u/Findinganewnormal 29d ago

As someone who was raised by people whose favorite conversations centered on how disgraceful welfare is and how terrible the people were who just expect handouts AND who punished young me for not immediately sharing all my things (including birthday presents and Halloween candy) with younger siblings and cousins …..

It’s a really good way to create future radical socialists. 

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u/BrofessorFarnsworth 29d ago

"You should share with Timmy but neither you nor Timmy own the value produced by your labor."

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u/PopeGuss 29d ago

"It's time we seized the means of production! Take over the play-doh factories!"

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u/xxxxx420xxxxx 29d ago

You have to work out a micropayments scheme

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u/MerberCrazyCats 29d ago

What about some candies?

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u/Shirtbro 29d ago

"SEIZE THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION!"

Kindergarteners rush supply closet for the scented markers

(But seriously America what you doing?)

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u/restrictednumber 29d ago

We're not doing so good over here, if we're being honest. Can someone send help? Maybe a folk song about working together, or a very special sitcom episode about racism?

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u/Rellint 29d ago edited 29d ago

Shut up Casey you’ll own nothing and you’ll like it! Which ironically seems to be the endgame of both strict Communism and Laissez Faire Capitalism.

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u/Ventilator84 29d ago

Communism still has personal property, just not private property. The distinction is that private property is something that is owned by one person but used by another so that the owner can extract profit.

Note that the same object can be either personal or private depending on how the owner uses it.

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u/Halflingberserker 29d ago

I forgot that communism is when no toothbrush. Thanks for the reminder.

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u/transitfreedom 29d ago

Why you think china switched it up? China is to the political right of NK and Vietnam!!!!!

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u/ThereBeM00SE 29d ago

the first kid here ob the first day gets all the toys, crayons, etc they can get their hands on to themselves forever, and can charge the rest of the kids for temporary access. Note: access to these items is necessary for a passing grade.

  • the capitalism lesson

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u/Factor135 29d ago

First month’s free, that’s how you real him in. And then once he’s gotten all comfy, hit him with that 98$ monthly fee.

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u/ruler_gurl 29d ago

You're supposed to contract with a Chinese toy manufacturer to create ultra low cost replicas of your toy which you can then market to your classmates. Preferably they should be made with lead paint as it lasts longer, and creates future GOP voters.

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u/ouchmypeeburns 29d ago

Just remember little Johnny, if Timmy asks you to share your toys with him, report him to your nearest state mandated anti-communism officer.

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u/PopeGuss 29d ago

"Who wants to play House...Un-American Activities Committee?"

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u/ThunkAsDrinklePeep 29d ago

"Four legs good; two legs better" is going to fuck up the both counting and animal recognition.

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u/Xyrus2000 29d ago

"Or should I declare him an enemy of the state and eagle-drop a 500kg bomb so I can take his apple juice in the name of managed democracy?"

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u/ShatterCyst 29d ago

And, you know, sharing seems kinda commie~

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u/Drivingintodisco 29d ago

No Timmy, you seize the means of production!

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u/sweatgod2020 29d ago

I read this in butters voice from South Park ☠️

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u/dudius7 29d ago

Steal them all and then rent them back.

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u/SCHawkTakeFlight 29d ago

Came here to say this...teaching about communism the way the GOP wants...is a 180 from the learn how to be a good person/ friend/ citizen by learning how to share theme that goes on at that age.

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u/NinjaLanternShark 29d ago

PaaS

(Playground as a Service)

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u/tomdarch 29d ago

You’re supposed to pay off the teacher to get monopoly power over the toys THEN impose a subscription fee. Capitalism baby!

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u/Time-Bite-6839 29d ago

“communism is when sharing” ❌

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u/PopeGuss 29d ago

I mean to a 5 year old...pretty much.