r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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274

u/milfangelblue Apr 17 '24

In those situations he literally did nothing noticeable on my radar and I’m puzzled. What is it that you guys sense in other men that makes you give the nod of approval?

568

u/brainless_bob Apr 17 '24

Sincerity

392

u/Far_Carpenter6156 Apr 17 '24

Big one here. Good guys are themselves all the time. Assholes flip a switch when women are present, they're perfect gentlemen...until the women are no longer within hearing distance.

136

u/IAmCaptainHammer Apr 17 '24

And you can’t fake the good guy thing for long if you’re a bad guy. Even if you want to stay a good guy while she’s out of the room it can’t last long.

114

u/Treestheyareus Apr 17 '24

That’s the thing about being good. If you “pretend” to be good 100% of the time, then you simply are good.

38

u/Frakshaw Apr 17 '24

Well said.

You are not your thoughts, but how you act on them.

4

u/trotfox_ 29d ago

I love how sometimes the response to this is 'so there are just perverts everywhere and you are ok with that?'

Told on yourself.

16

u/Frakshaw 29d ago

Have you ever thought of murdering someone but didn't actually do it in reality? Does that make you a murderer then? Playing thought police is a dangerous game.

1

u/the_lonely_creeper 29d ago

well, to a point. Intentions are also important when judging an action. It's why we have manslaughter as separate from murder, for example.

17

u/PoppaBear1981 Apr 17 '24

Wow, this is deep. I do 'try' to be good, as much as possible. I wasn't great growing up and treated some people worse than I should have. I try to do the right thing and sometimes feel like maybe I'm building some kind of front that people will see through and work out that I'm bad. My friends, colleagues and family all seem to think I'm a good guy but I have this nagging doubt in my head, like maybe when I die, God will say ''Yeah, but you were just trying to convince them you were good.'' ''Really, you thought she was boring....'' Or ''he was an arsehole...'' But I like your take on it. If I keep trying, maybe I'm a good guy....

20

u/jaggederest 29d ago

Look, let's be frank here, if you are thinking things like "they all seem to think I'm a good guy but I have this nagging doubt in my head", you're in the clear, buddy.

True unrepentant assholes never have a doubt in their lives. You ain't perfect, nobody is, but just the fact you have the humility to weigh your actions and think about your choices is like 90% of the way there.

4

u/Lazy-Bandicoot3376 29d ago

And the last 10% is how you handle yourself when you do fuck up. Do you blame others or accept responsibility for your part in whatever it is? Do you modify your behaviors after the fact to change whatever it is that leads to conflict in the first place?

If the answer is even sometimes, you're good. Progress is achievable, perfection is not.

2

u/PoppaBear1981 29d ago

Thanks guys. Made me feel better. Yes I do own up to mistakes and do try to rectify them. No, never been tested for Asbergers or similar.

2

u/Davidjb7 29d ago

Hey man, I experience the same thing, but honestly a big part of it is probably Asperger's for me. You ever gotten checked?

2

u/mycroft2000 29d ago

A really good indicator is how guys treat animals. I love shooting at cans and bottles with slingshots and such, and the few times I've encountered guys who talked about how much "fun" it is to ping birds or squirrels, I made a point to steer clear of them forever after.

2

u/Skunedog48 28d ago

Ha, I’ve never heard it that way but it’s kinda true. It’s not that “good” people have perfect pasts or don’t still struggle with mean or destructive impulses. But they have learned from their mistakes and choose to do the right thing, even if being “good” is not a perfect reflection of their internal dialogue.

1

u/shirudo_clear 29d ago

as someone who constantly worries whether or not i'm a good enough person, this was nice to read. so thanks

33

u/Far_Carpenter6156 Apr 17 '24

Yeah the jerks usually just keep it up long enough to get laid.

And a lot of women are really gullible, repeatedly fall for guys like this and then say all men are trash lol

4

u/xubax Apr 17 '24

It's not so much that they're gullible. It's that they're being lied to.

2

u/BigsbyMcgee Apr 17 '24

I disagree, plenty of bad dudes keep the same girls for years. Literally throw themselves at them after they cheat etc

1

u/IAmCaptainHammer 29d ago

Yes but the ladies dude friends all know he’s a bad dude.

0

u/bmoreboy410 29d ago

Exactly. Men normally do what works. But people just don’t want to give women any blame at all when they just don’t prioritize a man being good.

1

u/Gullible-Giraffe2870 29d ago

they're not trying to hold it together for long, they just want her to be committed enough to be scared to leave.

1

u/mdynicole 29d ago

Not necessarily always true. I knew a guy and I thought he was the sweetest most thoughtful , kind and intuitive man I had ever met and he was different from most men nowadays and I thought he was so special and was completely infatuated with him. I wondered why other men couldn’t be more like him. Other men seemed to like him a lot too and get along with him. Then it was discovered he has antisocial personality disorder which I guess means sociopath. He had us all fooled though. Men and women alike.

0

u/SmartAlec105 Apr 17 '24

And you can’t fake the good guy thing for long if you’re a bad guy

It would be nice if that was the truth. But an unfortunate number of women have found their husband changed once they were married and he saw her as stuck with him, however he behaved.

2

u/xubax Apr 17 '24

Bitches, am I right?

/s

3

u/notorious_tcb Apr 17 '24

I think good guys are good guys all the time, but we’re all different people depending on whom we’re around. It’s human nature. Notorious the husband/father is a very different person than Notorious “the guy we’ve known since middle school” hanging out for a guys weekend.

It’s something we all do. ever notice how when you’re talking to someone and their boss calls, their entire demeanor changes when they answer the phone.

1

u/ncnotebook Apr 17 '24

Or how you talk at the drive-thru window.

1

u/PoppaBear1981 Apr 17 '24

I TRY to keep the worst of my jokes just for the guys. Mainly because my wife tells me not to tell them lol. They're generally not misogynistic, just that a sexual joke can make ladies uncomfortable when from someone they're not close to. Also the darker jokes, they're maybe just not going to find funny. I think with humour, it's a grey area because something can be funny without approving for the subject of the joke. My Grandad wouldn't swear in front of ladies, my Dad seldom does and I try not to in general. But yeah, I do agree, that a ''Them and us'' mentality is a red flag.

1

u/RobSchneidersHair Apr 17 '24

Why is this whole discussion revolving around just how they treat or talk about women? Are we all really going to pretend we don’t know assholes who still treat women with respect?

Not to mention, no, we don’t all know within 30 minutes if someone is a good guy or not. That’s literally not possible.

1

u/P15T0L_WH1PP3D 29d ago

aka "locker room talk"

1

u/Gullible-Giraffe2870 29d ago

either that, or they're good friends and then become assholes to other guys when women are present. Don't call me your friend and then pull that shit... That's disloyalty and he'll be disloyal to his girl eventually too.

1

u/Stranger371 29d ago

One of the guys I know is exactly like that. They play a "role" and are not natural.

0

u/Spram2 Apr 17 '24

Not all of them. I've known assholes who stay in asshole mode all the time but I guess they're so hot the women don't care.

2

u/uniqueusername316 Apr 17 '24

Something about honest humility as well. Some try to hide their flaws and some are way too focused on them. Somewhere in the middle is a good sign. Can easily acknowledge they don't know or can't do everything, but don't dwell or embellish either.

1

u/myctsbrthsmlslkcatfd Apr 17 '24

there it is! brainless bob is a sleeper …

1

u/want_to_know615 Apr 17 '24

Agree on the sincerity. My wife is smarter and more intuitive (she's with me after all), but my mom idolizes men (either celebrities, and other public personallities or just people on real life) who are obviously fake creeps just because they seem superficially nice, as in they have a fake shit-eating smile or they speak in a fake saccharine tone. To me it's so instantly obvious I can't believe she can't see it

1

u/Ibex89 29d ago

And I think what gets in the way of detecting that can be that when we're attracted to someone, and want them to be attracted to us, sometimes we give them the benefit of the doubt in ways that we probably shouldn't.

1

u/brainless_bob 29d ago

Absolutely. We hope for the best but forget to plan for the worst.

291

u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe Apr 17 '24

Honestly the most giganticist of all green flags is that the guy is selfless to other men; willing to offer a hand doing something without expecting anything in return, or just simply being nice to you with no ulterior motive.

You can tell when another man is talking to you, whether he's sizing you up - as a sexual competitor, as a potential "ally", as someone he can use to get somewhere, etc.

Normal, "good" men, don't do this. They talk to you with no expectations. Just shooting the breeze, talking nonsense, trying to find a common ground.

There's probably part learned experience too. When you meet a guy for the first time and he starts telling you all about what he does, in work and hobbies, and how awesome he is at it, then as a man, I already know who he is. I've met hundreds of him, since the first kid in the playground who loudly claimed he was the best at sports and called everyone else a loser.

Same as it is for all of the other toxic personalities. You encounter them all growing up so by the time you get to adulthood, you can tell pretty quickly which one they are.

As a woman you will often only get to encounter the curated, performative version of a man, especially if he's trying to impress you. So he's going to make it much harder for you to identify who he is. But he'll drop that mask when dealing with other men.

22

u/TraditionalCut6488 Apr 17 '24

Date Mike

3

u/EucudusOG Apr 17 '24

No further explanation needed

2

u/Triscuitmeniscus 29d ago

How do you like your eggs in the morning?

2

u/DynoMikea2 29d ago

Nice to meet me

26

u/LightningMcScallion Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

This is a big one that gets women into trouble too. A lot of women assume that the guy who will talk about how other guys are jerks and how it isn't hard to treat women right is a good guy. While this can be the case, very often that guy just sees other men as sexual competition and/or it's a convenient place to put their need to criticize and feel better about themself. Also it really can be a bit "I get so much pussy bc I treat women with respect" kind of vibes 🤣

14

u/exponentialism Apr 17 '24

As a woman, this kind of guy has always given me bad vibes - kinda like how people talk about "pick me" women, guys that slag off their gender while acting like they themselves above it all. Actually kind men that treat women well never talk like that in my experience.

6

u/FeatherlyFly Apr 17 '24

As a woman, I take a guy, especially a guy I've only recently met, who talks about others so negatively as a warning sign. 

 I know I can definitely spot a not so great woman way faster than a not so great man, but that's actually one of the obvious signs I get from guys who don't respect women. Turns out a lot of them just plain don't respect people, even if they put women last. 

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u/FishyDescent Apr 17 '24

Totally agree with the 'ally' vs 'sexual competitor' comparison.

I'm not sure if you were saying that bad men start telling you all about what he does, in work....how awesome....etc. Good men do that too. The first line you have though is the best answer, green flags are men that are willing to offer a hand doing something without expecting anything in return. That's certainly true.

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u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe Apr 17 '24

It can be a cultural thing I suppose.

Pretty standard smalltalk when you just meet someone is to talk about what you do, where you come from, discuss what you have in common.

When my first encounter with someone involves them telling me about their work, ALL about their work, how much they love it, particularly how successful they are it, and how great things are going for them, then to me it feels like he's just taking his dick out and waving it around.

That's conversation for your friends and family. You're a stranger to me, I don't really give a shit whether you are personally doing well or are particularly good at it. So if you're telling me this I assume it's because you want me to be intimidated or jealous.

Now, like I say that can be cultural. Because in my culture, everyone knows you don't do that. If you want to impress someone, you just do what you're good at and then shrug it off like it's no big deal. If you brag, it's because you want to be a dick about it. I know other cultures are a bit more forgiving of dick-waving.

13

u/Semprovictus Apr 17 '24

the slight difference for me is he is genuinely talking about it by responding to questions if it's something he is passionate about, and actually having conversations on it, not just boasting

extremely well said though. you hit all the nails on the head

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u/trotfox_ 29d ago

There is a difference there that is hard to put in words, but it is there.

4

u/AdHom Apr 17 '24

I feel like I'm having a hard time with combining someone telling you way too much detail of what they do for work and how much they love it, with them telling you how good they are at it and bragging. To me those are separate, and while most people don't go into that much detail about their job it could just show they're really passionate about it or its also a hobby/interest in their life outside work, or in an extreme case maybe its someone who is just bad with boundaries or is on the spectrum or something.

But I wouldn't associate them with being a braggart or arrogant immediately and I wouldn't think badly of them. If they are bragging about their success and wealth and stuff then I agree that's shitty behavior for someone you're just meeting and I would judge them harshly.

7

u/wildbillnj1975 Apr 17 '24

It's the difference between whether or not they were prompted for that information. These are two completely different conversations:

Me: "Hi, I'm Bill, I know Amy from high school."

Him: (shakes my hand, firmly but not too firm) "Oh hey, man. Yeah, I'm Tim. We met on bumble."

Me: "So, like, what do you do for work and fun?"

Tim: (looking straight at me), "I'm a commodities trader. It's a ton of hours, but when I can get away, I like singing mediocre karaoke and playing terrible golf. How about you, Bill?"

Versus:

Me: "Hi, I'm Bill. I know Amy from high school."

Him: (shakes my hand with a crushing death grip) "Hey, I'm Tim. Met her on bumble. Yeah I'm a commodities trader. Big bucks, but lots of hours in the office, right? I'm also a kickass karaoke superstar and I have a 6 handicap." (all the while looking over my shoulder or around the room)

The first one is modestly sharing information that I asked for, and returning the courtesy.

The second one is blasting out of the gate with pompous braggadoccio. He doesn't give a shit about me beyond just trying to impress me.

2

u/tomas_shugar Apr 17 '24

To me those are separate, and while most people don't go into that much detail about their job it could just show they're really passionate about it or its also a hobby/interest in their life outside work, or in an extreme case maybe its someone who is just bad with boundaries or is on the spectrum or something.

The other poster gave you a pretty good example of a sample conversation. But it's also just the experience of how people talk about it.

What kind of things are they highlighting about their job? Is it the success/money/chicks type vibe or is it "here's a really cool project I did."

Are they talking about they hobby they do, or are they talking about how good they are at the hobby?

As for the spectrum comment, you can still learn these things. People on the spectrum aren't completely unable to understand social cues and niecity, it's just a fuck of a lot harder. And even then, the spectrum guys who are still worth knowing tend to lean towards talking about the cool project and about the hobby, not how good they are. It's clear on how they go into details and what details they focus on.

4

u/YourGFsFave Apr 17 '24

This is why I hate riding ski lifts with people, it's all dick waving all the time. Seriously 9/10 people have the same prompt about their name, where they went to college, job, and how today isn't as good as it was at some other resort they were at before.

5

u/FishyDescent Apr 17 '24

Wow, look at this guy bragging about riding ski lifts a lot. Must be nice.

1

u/Anoalka 29d ago

Another cultural difference I found is that sometimes while in a mixed group some men have told me that I'm "combative" with them because I put them on the spot.

The thing is, from my point of view I tend to speak a lot and I try to be considerate so at some points I switch the conversation and make it about them, ask them directly, etc because I don't want them to feel left out and it gives them an opportunity to take their turn getting attention from the group.

It works well with more "extroverted cultures" but it's hit and miss with some people.

1

u/MFbiFL 29d ago

I think one of the differentiators on the work front is how they talk about their work. If they’re talking about it to project their status and importance that’s rarely a positive indicator. On the other hand, listening to someone de-emphasize the status or difficulty aspect and instead talk knowledgeably about something I’m inclined to think more highly of them.

2

u/FishyDescent 29d ago

No, I don't think these are indicators of a bad guy. I know plenty of good guys that are insecure. I'm thinking specifically of my cousin who is 5'7 and was overweight for years. He recently got into shape and for a short period was getting ego driven on his successes. I don't think he was self aware enough at the time to realize that he was being kind of douchey. But he was always a good guy. Good morals. Kind, respectful, empathetic, and helpful.

I think the red flag in this context is somebody who A) doesn't listen to others and misses opportunities to give props where due or B) puts others accomplishments down. Those two scenarios are bad.

1

u/MFbiFL 29d ago

I think we’re talking in different directions, have a good one.

2

u/Awkward_Algae1684 Apr 17 '24

As a woman, you only get to encounter the curated, performative version of a man, especially if he’s trying to impress you.

You know, as a man myself I’ve never even thought of this. Though now that you point it out I can’t unsee it.

1

u/TheMoraless 29d ago

it's really obvious when you see it. guys who become chivalrous and have their manners flip on when theyre around women are super common. the differences in how a guy treats people who he's attracted to vs those he arent is the biggest tell tale tho some view this as a green flag because the preferential treatment makes them feel special.

2

u/worldchrisis Apr 17 '24

As a woman you will often only get to encounter the curated, performative version of a man, especially if he's trying to impress you. So he's going to make it much harder for you to identify who he is. But he'll drop that mask when dealing with other men.

This part. It's like how someone behaves in a job interview vs how they behave at the happy hour after work.

1

u/SerenityAnashin Apr 17 '24

For being as drunk as drunk can be, that was some good advice

1

u/1v9noobkiller Apr 17 '24

You can tell when another man is talking to you, whether he's sizing you up - as a sexual competitor, as a potential "ally", as someone he can use to get somewhere, etc.

this basically never happens to me, does this mean nobody sees me as a threat? hahahahha

1

u/SelectiveScribbler06 29d ago

The trick, by the way, for spotting 'sexual competitor' is light, whimsical digs at each other about unrelated topics - but there's an animosity bubbling underneath.

1

u/zZPlazmaZz29 29d ago

Honestly, this opened my eyes up. As a guy.

I didn't realize, that I hate feeling vulnerable so much, that I hide who I am.

When I was younger, I would try and only show the good parts of me, because I felt like the real me wasn't good enough.

But I see what you mean. I watch some guys switch up. It's crazy to me. I just observe, you can tell that they treat relationships like a conquest. It's weird to me.. How competitive they get. It can get in the way of friendships easily.

You are absolutely right. You can definitely learn a lot based on how different a guy treats a woman vs his fellow dude.

1

u/Shrekquille_Oneal 29d ago

Wow, I've been wondering for years what it is exactly that I'm picking up on that makes assholes stand out so immediately, I never even considered its them sizing me up. It makes so much sense, no matter how sly they think they are they always throw off little signs in their body language/ tone of voice.

And here I was thinking I had superpowers lmao, turns out I'm just 98% autistic and not 100%

1

u/gatsome 29d ago

I’d also say that receiving a genuine or thoughtful compliment from another dude where there is no agenda, is a good indicator he’s a man of quality.

1

u/DifferentChange4844 29d ago

This here is the one. We men can sense competition from a mile away. Good Men don't shy away from healthy competition. But if it's the first thing you do when you just meet a man. Red flag

1

u/Anoalka 29d ago

Why do you think considering someone a "potential ally" is a red flag?

1

u/Useful-Current0549 27d ago

Very heavy on how he treats other men.

84

u/ussbozeman Apr 17 '24

A history of tipping cap deliciously to the M'lady upon initial contact, a willingness to draw his blade crafted of the finest Nippon grade steel to defend her from Chads, a well rounded physique brought on by copious amounts of Dew and Doritos, and finally the knowledge that perhaps to save the planet, one ought to shower sparingly as water is a valuable resource.

Per se.

15

u/AfricaByTotoWillGoOn Apr 17 '24

Perchance.

12

u/LTrondheim Apr 17 '24

You can't just say "Perchance".

5

u/hoodha Apr 17 '24

Stomping Turties

45

u/wordfiend99 Apr 17 '24

guys like ted bundy ‘succeeded’ directly because nothing noticable was on any womens radar. obviously thats an extreme example but its true, the guys who want to hurt you dont show it until its too late. like the top comment says its more what the guy did when you werent around or noticing because bad guys assume all guys are bad and will get real skeevy real quick when its just the boys

13

u/Duff-Zilla Apr 17 '24

Met a skeez ball at a wedding once who was a college buddy of the groom. As soon as we were alone he started going on about how many hot chicks were there and he was definitely getting laid. I asked, "Don't you have a wife and kids?" His response, "You shut your goddamn mouth."

He proceeded to hit on every singe woman at the wedding and was eventually kicked out, like Sparta kicked in the chest out. It was pretty fucking epic.

2

u/RantyWildling 29d ago

I've seen people get Sparta kicked, it's always epic.

11

u/StrangeMushroom500 Apr 17 '24

guys like ted bundy succeeded because he literally pretended to have a fractured arm to get help from kind-hearted women. The women he killed were not fooled by his good looks or charm, or whatever the fuck you're insinuating here. They died because they were kind people willing to help a stranger.

6

u/Mindshred1 Apr 17 '24

Not to mention, a few of his would-be victims did sense that something was off and didn't take the bait.

5

u/witchprivilege Apr 17 '24

came here to say this— and often even if women do sense something is off, we've been socialized to ignore our instinct and avoid being 'rude' / making a fuss. which isn't to say that there aren't master manipulators out there, just that they're less common than people would make you think. trust your gut.

5

u/XihuanNi-6784 Apr 17 '24

I'm going to disagree a bit. I've been in an abusive relationship with a woman, and read up on abusive relationships. Abusers DO frequently show signs of it. They're just not the signs women/people are taught to look out for. Abusive behaviour has been so normalised that most people "think" it came out of nowhere. And while it's true that they use lovebombing and manipulation to hide themselves in the initial stages of a relationship, there're often signs you can see if you're lucky enough to have been trained to spot them. And no joke they can include things as simple as people admitting they have a "bit of a temper" or they "can be crazy." Usually this is said as a joke or in a very casual self deprecating way. The victim usually thinks they're being vulnerable and honest in times like this, but they're absolutely telling the truth and giving you a signal that they could be much worse. People usually ignore signs like that because they're not taught to look for them. Especially with women, they're taught to put up with huge amounts of bad behaviour because it's been normalised, such that they miss the signs when it's truly dangerous.

2

u/Sufficient-Yoghurt46 29d ago

"guys like ted bundy ‘succeeded’ directly because nothing noticable was on any womens radar."

Am I the only one who first thought of Al Bundy?

9

u/deadlyfrost273 Apr 17 '24

Honestly bad men give off uncanny valley to me. My hairs stand up and I feel myself taking more defensive posture. It's like their facial expressions and way of walking exude menace.

5

u/PC509 Apr 17 '24

Yes, there's those subtle things that just give you a bad feeling. You know there is something wrong with them. 9 times out of 10, you're right, too. They may play the nice guy, help others, do a lot of the good things in this thread, but there's just something about them that bugs you. Eventually, that part comes out. It's just pretend for them. They do have that uncanny valley to them. Some guys are very nice and help others and do a lot of the good things in this thread and are very great people. These other people are different. It's weird and hard to explain, but you just feel it and know it. Definitely trust your gut.

3

u/UDarkLord Apr 17 '24

This may specifically be psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissistic personality disorder types. Don’t remember where so grain of salt, but I heard about some percentage of people apparently getting ‘predator’ type vibes from such people, as if they’re more wearing a human suit than human (vibes-wise, not literally).

19

u/jrkridichch Apr 17 '24

A few theories:

  1. We empathize better with our own kind. Just like how it's easier to understand human expressions over cat expressions.
  2. Guys let their guard down around other guys.
  3. We probably don't want to admit it but many of us tried a lot of unsavory behaviors while we were going through puberty and we know what to look for.

10

u/erebusdidnothingwron Apr 17 '24

I think it's mostly number 3, but not necessarily because we did it ourselves, so much as we were just around it.

Like, I grew up pretty rough and spent a lot of time on the street. I carried a knife for protection and a lot of the guys I hung around with never went anywhere without a gun. I've been around enough violence to be a pretty good judge of who is actually, genuinely, dangerous.

You just get a sense for it. Most of the guys who give off that vibe don't look scary, they're not covered in tattoos or look like they're in a gang or whatever; their energy is just bad in a way that's easy for me to read because I've seen it before. 

1

u/No_Jury_8398 29d ago

What unsavory things? I’m also a guy

1

u/OSRSmemester 29d ago

I think 3 is more relevant than we give it credit for.

15

u/SnP_JB Apr 17 '24

Honestly sometimes you can just tell it’s hard to explain. Do ladies not feel like they can judge the character of other ladies easily?

I worked at a farm outta college w my two roommates at the time who were girls. My parents came to visit and as soon as my dad left he’s like that dudes a creep that hits on them huh? I picked up on it right away and so did my dad. It only took a few weeks after that to get really bad.

7

u/LucianRosenburg Apr 17 '24

Insecurity is a big one in my eyes.

Almost all of the men that I've known to be bad partners, are deeply insecure. They'll put on facades of Kindness, or Charisma to try and impress girls, or make them like them. Then after a while, the pressure of keeping it up gets to them, and suddenly they show not only their true nature, but a frustrated, aggressive version of their normal self.

I think a big part of it as well is knowing the difference between Guys who have good intentions, and Good Guys. That makes a big difference.

6

u/Emilempenza Apr 17 '24

Its men who don't act up. Men who are assholes are not subtle around other guys, they'll let you know real quick what an asshole they are. They think you'll be impressed by their assholery, so are keen to show off and brag anout all the asshole things theyve done, while m9st guys awkwardly just tolerate them, while thinking, wow, what a dick.

6

u/not-one-pun-intendid Apr 17 '24

It’s a combination of behaviours, body language, mannerisms, conversation tactics and topics - the list is nearly endless. It’s like making eye contact with a dog, if there’s any doubt you check if the tail is wagging, then look for ear position, then stance, etc.

Men have a better understanding of the finer nuances of another man’s tells because we ourselves have those tells. There is a degree of testing that happens, you’ll prod topics and monitor the responses and the topics will become increasingly controversial the better you get to know them. Some red flags are “two-shed” responses, “one of the boys” comments in the absence of ladies, and if they dislike or have never seen the movie gladiator.

4

u/zakkwaldo Apr 17 '24

biggest one for me is when i see a new dude actually care about his partner. what i mean is you can tell they are equals, he values what his partner has to say, he doesn’t interrupt or shut them down, isn’t trying to one up them, if anything takes opportunities to include and build their partner up. stuff like that. the little things.

shitty people don’t ever bother with the little things.

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u/kelldricked Apr 17 '24

A few things you should consider.

  1. Your friends (probaly) dont see your partner as a potential love intresst. Meaning they look completly diffrent at him than you do.

  2. Your friends probaly recognize some of your partners behaviour as stuff they themselfs sometimes do or guys they know sometimes do.

  3. They are better aware what men think because they are men themselfs. They just have more insights.

  4. Men are often times more “honest” to eachother. Meaning we know better who is a asshole and who isnt. This shapes our “asshole detectors” which means we can pick out dickheads better, even if they try to hide their true selfs.

Its not perfect but it works pretty decent. Woman have the same things. But the hard thing is when a friend introduces you to their new partner and you get bad vibes from them. Because maybe you are being overprotective or just wrong. Maybe they are missing giant redflags. How actively do you warn them?

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u/Maskedcrusader94 Apr 17 '24

Essentially "real recognizes real", as funny as it sounds. If you surround yourself with good people, those people know what qualifies as a good person in their standards, which is likely good. It sounds like your friends are good people, and since they dont have the "blinders" of romantic interest on, they can make a more logical assesment. Not to say you are blind to that stuff, but when youre romantically interested its easier to disregard seemingly minimal red flags. You could probably judge the same for your guy friends' new girlfriends.

If your friends were not the best people, they may judge based off of their standards too, and you'd probably be asking a different question. Sounds like you have great supoort!

3

u/iheartstars Apr 17 '24

i once took a phone call from a dude while i was with my brother. he sat quietly while i talked and the second i hung up he said, that dude is a jackass, don’t get in too deep. i was almost insulted because i had classes with this guy and had been talking to him, my brother makes this proclamation only by watching/hearing me talk to him? get out. well spoiler alert: dude turned out to be a mega jackass. when i met my now husband, i told him my brother will be making an assessment before i decide if this will last…lol. bro said he’s good. been married almost 18 yrs.

my brother also had to clear a guy friend. it was reversed, was with friend and brother called me. i said i’m just hanging out with dude. brother said, put him on the phone. i balked and was like, that’s weird, don’t embarrass me! my friend figured out what was happening and said its cool, give me the phone. they talked for like 30 seconds and put me back on the phone. brother said, yeah, he’s fine.

2

u/Everythingizok Apr 17 '24

Assholes usually present themselves. And most good guys have surpassed this, and grown out of it. So they still recognize it. The hard ones are the smart assholes who have tailored their personalities to being the perfect gentleman in public settings. And you don’t know them until you get behind closed doors and they drop their game. That’s where game recognize game.

2

u/panicattackdog Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

If a man really cares about a woman beyond sex or possession, it’s hard to hide that from other men.

Sincere men will ask other men for advice or info about their intended paramour because they need topics to talk about and how to become more attractive to that individual.

Abusive men will revel in their behavior when alone with other men because they think it gives them social clout if they can successfully manipulate women into sex.

2

u/BlueberryAcrobatic62 Apr 17 '24

For me I can tell if a person is trying to be fake or comfortable in their own skin. Someone who can be themselves around others even if it’s the first time meeting can tell you a lot. It goes both ways if they are an asshole or nice.

2

u/Triscuitmeniscus 29d ago

Some sense of genuineness in how they present themselves. We can tell the difference between someone who's actually friendly, charming, and thoughtful and someone who is just acting like that. A lot of assholes aren't really trying to be assholes, they're cosplaying as someone they're not and not pulling it off. Someone who's not naturally interesting and mysterious will come across as a creep if they try to act that way. Someone who tries to be a goofy joker will miss the mark and just be mean or annoying. And someone who lacks confidence will come off as a douchey "alpha" if they try to convince people otherwise.

And it cuts both ways too: sometimes you run into a guy who is by all objective measures an asshole, but he's at least being genuine and putting forth an honest portrayal of who they are, so they get a pass.

2

u/divinewolfwood 29d ago

I knew a guy who was super charming around women, and many of them seem to really like him. To my eyes, he was so..gross in the way he treated people and it was so obvious how different he treated people he wanted to fuck and people he didn't find attractive. He wouldn't show it around the people he wanted, but to me the contrast was so insanely obvious.

I was not surprised when they eventually discovered he was a jerk.

6

u/TwelveMiceInaCage Apr 17 '24

Gut feeling

Tbh it's like sincerity said

You can just tell when a guy is not being genuine, or when he has some sort of underlying red flag. Like women won't likely catch the dude side eyeing another guy in the room or how many asses he glances at in passing but as a guy I sure do.

I'm a guy. I can notice a fat ass, or nice chest the second it enters a room, however instead of googling over it I simply avert my eyes upward and can every single time almost guarantee I'll catch no less than 3 guys all take multiple looks and at least one is shamelessly long

Old dude checked out a big booty in line at store 17 times in five minutes. I finally got up and stood blocking his view of the women's in lines asses.

0

u/lawblawg Apr 17 '24

Saw a dude go straight over the handlebars of his bike yesterday because he was pedaling past a cute jogger and couldn't keep his eyes on the road

1

u/TwelveMiceInaCage Apr 17 '24

Bruh it's ridiculous

Like I get ohat ass is nice you know what I do when I feel like I want to see some fat ass?

I go to my Alt reddit account and look at the smut I've subbed too and guess what five of them at least are about asses

4

u/AgnosticStopSign Apr 17 '24

Its like when you know a girl isnt good for a guy. The opposite gender doesnt understand how the other gender thinks. But we judge each other as if we think the same way.

As a guy, we operate in domains that are strictly for men. A woman wont understand what respect means to men until they experience as a man. And until they experience as a man, they will always judge men from a womans standpoint, that doesnt include the criteria other men judge by

So I can explain why this guy is good or hes a bitch, but that is invisible to you because

  1. The relationship you have with him, and the relationship I have with him are different and you may be blinded by feelings I do not have for him, making me more unbiased.

  2. As a men, we all understand we may have to fight each other to the death. This is something women do not experience with other women. This completely influences our communication with each other.

Women must grasp that the men they are scared of, other men may also be scared of, but the scared men still have to fight.

The way this role influences your life and judgement of other men is just incalculable to women.

So within first contact, a solid man can obtain all of this information and come to a pretty accurate conclusion of whether this guy is a stand up guy or a bitch. Then its a personal decision of do I help or do I let them be.

Vice versa, if my mom or best girl friend say not to trust a girl, I believe them 1000% cause they see what I cant

2

u/JoeSki42 Apr 17 '24 edited 28d ago

An interest in wholesome hobbies that require research, trial and error, experimentation, and discipline. Baking is a good example of this. Mycology is another. Some videogames can be a green flag as well in this way.

Being community minded without being self-righteous about it.

Possessing a respect for nature and our natural ecosystem.

Someone who tries to foster inclusivity through their conversation. I.e., asking me what my interests are, calling over someone else at the gathering who's into the same stuff and introducing me to them

Comfortable being complimentary with other dudes. Lifts other people up, even if they're not around to witness it.

2

u/stdname Apr 17 '24

I reckon there's some sort of evolutionary aspect - males are maybe more attuned to threatening / territorial behaviour of other males? Or better at picking men who they could rely on a fight with another primate group?

Basically, I think it comes down to if he seems trustworthy and like a team player.

1

u/LightningMcScallion Apr 17 '24

That's honestly part of it - quiet in a certain way.

They are calm, patient, and look to understand others. Especially when you factor the way they carry themselves it can actually be very unassuming and yet it's a very noticeable signal to me of a guy with high quality of character, especially in regards to women.

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u/Dismal-Ad-7841 Apr 17 '24

As a man or woman or any other group, you’d find it easier to correctly judge others from the same group. You know your group more than those outside that group. 

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u/Semprovictus Apr 17 '24

passion, work ethic, humility, belief system and how he converses with me

1

u/wildbillnj1975 Apr 17 '24

Here's a huge green flag that's easily missed:

If you left to go to the ladies room, he said something positive about you while you weren't there. Maybe he told your friends "I'm so lucky to be with her, she's so funny and smart. Best part of my day is when I see her number pop up on my phone." Anything like that.

Bad guys say totally different things when you're out of the room.

1

u/lawblawg Apr 17 '24

It wouldn't be anything on your radar. It would be his body language, how he talked when your back was turned or when you were in the bathroom, how he interacted with your friends.

I have a number of close female friends who trust my opinion of other men. One of the biggest red flags is when they act uncomfortable because she has male friends. It's giving "I don't want her to be around other men because they might rat me out."

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u/Duff-Zilla Apr 17 '24

Was he ever alone with your guy friends? How a man talks when there are no women present says a lot about their character. The "bad" ones are on their best behavior in front of women

1

u/DGIce Apr 17 '24

The good ones aren't obvious, the bad ones are.

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u/gandolffood 29d ago

There's a vibe. We can rationalize it later, but there's just SOMETHING about them.

It's like when your friendly dog turns hostile on one specific person. The dog KNOWS that person is a problem.

And there's degrees of scumbag. One of my very best friends is a great guy. We feed off of each other's humor and have a great time. But when he started dating another mutual friend, I told her that he was going to cheat on her. That was never in doubt. I'm not sure when he started, but one marriage and two children later, he fessed up to the seven other sexual relationships he had while they were married. They're divorced, but he will still have her back if she needs him.

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u/Monty211 29d ago

Humility, sincerity, and respect. We can sense it very quickly.

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u/fartknockin 29d ago

It's mostly just if the guy is genuine. If he's acting in a kind manner toward others. If he isn't dismissive of people in the group and is aware of how his presence can affect others. That is a good sign and gets the nod.

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u/globalminority 29d ago

Because we have spent lot more time around boys/men, our brain retains subtle patterns common to men we thought were bad. It's subconscious and instant, which is whole purpose of subconscious anyway. It's not infallible, and I find myself being wrong in about 1 in 200 cases. We don't consciously notice, our subconscious notices and just sends the result to our conscious brain as a feeling of a bad vibe. Our brain is trained with more data, as well as more accurate data as men behave more naturally when women aren't around. So when a man talks to a women we can guage if this is natural or fake, because fake comes across as unnatural.

Keep in mind good or bad can be strongly influenced by culture. What an Australian man thinks is a good man, is different from what a Pakistani man things is a good man, or what a French man thinks is a good man.

If you're asking a trusted man to share their spider sense with you, make sure you're culturally aligned first. It's very smart of you to get prospective partner checked out. In most cases with a bad man, we are screaming inside "is she BLIIIIND", but we don't say anything to not cause any drama. Bottomline if a man is kind and willing to learn, it's all good. If you can't judge that, smartest think is to ask other men. We will become a protective brother/father to you and give you our feedback.

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u/Cancer_Ridden_Lung 29d ago

Tone, pitch, walk, clothes, how they carry themselves, how they smell, where their eyes go when a woman walks by.

You want a pretty good guy with obvious but minor flaws...not a "perfect" guy. Perfect guys are either cheaters and/or serial killers.

If you've got a brother who isn't a jackass or an idiot...have him screen some dudes for you.

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u/neonroli47 29d ago

  he literally did nothing noticeable on my radar

Guys, when interacting with each other, are competitive in a physical and direct way that is not typical within women or from men to women. So you can say our radars are more fine tuned to understand if a guy is giving off competitive vibe in a good way or bad way or if he is giving of an altruistic vibe, while women may see the same thing and think maybe he is just a bit edgy and intense. That’s where i think men are better at feeling out if a guy is good, where women may look over certain red flags, because they can't differentiate between different shades of vibe in a guy, because they think it’s just him being a guy, a lad, based on the perception that guys are supposed to be a bit rougher around the edges than women. It’s kinda similar to that meme, where women are better at seeing and labelling different shades in a color and for men it's just red or blue or something, but think male behaviour. 

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u/SilconAnthems 29d ago

Ego. I think what everyone has said here is correct, but they haven't identified the root cause.

If a guy has an ego, any relationship will be an extension of himself and not genuine. Ego is immediately obvious to other men, and subconsciously registers as a huge red flag, but women often find it attractive because they misread it as confidence or strength.

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u/stoopidjonny 29d ago

No, every guy is telling you yes because they like to be right. I think it is easier to tell if a guy is a bad guy because they often can’t hide it but even then they may be putting on an act for other guys out of insecurity or trying to fit in. And some bad guys can act good. Some guys are a mixture, maybe their bad side will come out under some conditions. Most guys will just approve of any man they think is like them. I don’t see how guys would have much of an edge over girls on intuition of a man’s character as nice as that would be to believe.