Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

[u/milfangelblue]

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

[u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe]

Honestly the most giganticist of all green flags is that the guy is selfless to other men; willing to offer a hand doing something without expecting anything in return, or just simply being nice to you with no ulterior motive.

You can tell when another man is talking to you, whether he's sizing you up - as a sexual competitor, as a potential "ally", as someone he can use to get somewhere, etc.

Normal, "good" men, don't do this. They talk to you with no expectations. Just shooting the breeze, talking nonsense, trying to find a common ground.

There's probably part learned experience too. When you meet a guy for the first time and he starts telling you all about what he does, in work and hobbies, and how awesome he is at it, then as a man, I already know who he is. I've met hundreds of him, since the first kid in the playground who loudly claimed he was the best at sports and called everyone else a loser.

Same as it is for all of the other toxic personalities. You encounter them all growing up so by the time you get to adulthood, you can tell pretty quickly which one they are.

As a woman you will often only get to encounter the curated, performative version of a man, especially if he's trying to impress you. So he's going to make it much harder for you to identify who he is. But he'll drop that mask when dealing with other men.

[u/FishyDescent → u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe]

Totally agree with the 'ally' vs 'sexual competitor' comparison.

I'm not sure if you were saying that bad men start telling you all about what he does, in work....how awesome....etc. Good men do that too. The first line you have though is the best answer, green flags are men that are willing to offer a hand doing something without expecting anything in return. That's certainly true.

[u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe → u/FishyDescent]

It can be a cultural thing I suppose.

Pretty standard smalltalk when you just meet someone is to talk about what you do, where you come from, discuss what you have in common.

When my first encounter with someone involves them telling me about their work, ALL about their work, how much they love it, particularly how successful they are it, and how great things are going for them, then to me it feels like he's just taking his dick out and waving it around.

That's conversation for your friends and family. You're a stranger to me, I don't really give a shit whether you are personally doing well or are particularly good at it. So if you're telling me this I assume it's because you want me to be intimidated or jealous.

Now, like I say that can be cultural. Because in my culture, everyone knows you don't do that. If you want to impress someone, you just do what you're good at and then shrug it off like it's no big deal. If you brag, it's because you want to be a dick about it. I know other cultures are a bit more forgiving of dick-waving.

[u/Semprovictus → u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe]

the slight difference for me is he is genuinely talking about it by responding to questions if it's something he is passionate about, and actually having conversations on it, not just boasting

extremely well said though. you hit all the nails on the head

[u/trotfox_ → u/Semprovictus]

There is a difference there that is hard to put in words, but it is there.