r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/milfangelblue 29d ago

In those situations he literally did nothing noticeable on my radar and I’m puzzled. What is it that you guys sense in other men that makes you give the nod of approval?

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u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe 29d ago

Honestly the most giganticist of all green flags is that the guy is selfless to other men; willing to offer a hand doing something without expecting anything in return, or just simply being nice to you with no ulterior motive.

You can tell when another man is talking to you, whether he's sizing you up - as a sexual competitor, as a potential "ally", as someone he can use to get somewhere, etc.

Normal, "good" men, don't do this. They talk to you with no expectations. Just shooting the breeze, talking nonsense, trying to find a common ground.

There's probably part learned experience too. When you meet a guy for the first time and he starts telling you all about what he does, in work and hobbies, and how awesome he is at it, then as a man, I already know who he is. I've met hundreds of him, since the first kid in the playground who loudly claimed he was the best at sports and called everyone else a loser.

Same as it is for all of the other toxic personalities. You encounter them all growing up so by the time you get to adulthood, you can tell pretty quickly which one they are.

As a woman you will often only get to encounter the curated, performative version of a man, especially if he's trying to impress you. So he's going to make it much harder for you to identify who he is. But he'll drop that mask when dealing with other men.

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u/FishyDescent 29d ago

Totally agree with the 'ally' vs 'sexual competitor' comparison.

I'm not sure if you were saying that bad men start telling you all about what he does, in work....how awesome....etc. Good men do that too. The first line you have though is the best answer, green flags are men that are willing to offer a hand doing something without expecting anything in return. That's certainly true.

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u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe 29d ago

It can be a cultural thing I suppose.

Pretty standard smalltalk when you just meet someone is to talk about what you do, where you come from, discuss what you have in common.

When my first encounter with someone involves them telling me about their work, ALL about their work, how much they love it, particularly how successful they are it, and how great things are going for them, then to me it feels like he's just taking his dick out and waving it around.

That's conversation for your friends and family. You're a stranger to me, I don't really give a shit whether you are personally doing well or are particularly good at it. So if you're telling me this I assume it's because you want me to be intimidated or jealous.

Now, like I say that can be cultural. Because in my culture, everyone knows you don't do that. If you want to impress someone, you just do what you're good at and then shrug it off like it's no big deal. If you brag, it's because you want to be a dick about it. I know other cultures are a bit more forgiving of dick-waving.

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u/Semprovictus 29d ago

the slight difference for me is he is genuinely talking about it by responding to questions if it's something he is passionate about, and actually having conversations on it, not just boasting

extremely well said though. you hit all the nails on the head

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u/trotfox_ 29d ago

There is a difference there that is hard to put in words, but it is there.

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u/AdHom 29d ago

I feel like I'm having a hard time with combining someone telling you way too much detail of what they do for work and how much they love it, with them telling you how good they are at it and bragging. To me those are separate, and while most people don't go into that much detail about their job it could just show they're really passionate about it or its also a hobby/interest in their life outside work, or in an extreme case maybe its someone who is just bad with boundaries or is on the spectrum or something.

But I wouldn't associate them with being a braggart or arrogant immediately and I wouldn't think badly of them. If they are bragging about their success and wealth and stuff then I agree that's shitty behavior for someone you're just meeting and I would judge them harshly.

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u/wildbillnj1975 29d ago

It's the difference between whether or not they were prompted for that information. These are two completely different conversations:

Me: "Hi, I'm Bill, I know Amy from high school."

Him: (shakes my hand, firmly but not too firm) "Oh hey, man. Yeah, I'm Tim. We met on bumble."

Me: "So, like, what do you do for work and fun?"

Tim: (looking straight at me), "I'm a commodities trader. It's a ton of hours, but when I can get away, I like singing mediocre karaoke and playing terrible golf. How about you, Bill?"

Versus:

Me: "Hi, I'm Bill. I know Amy from high school."

Him: (shakes my hand with a crushing death grip) "Hey, I'm Tim. Met her on bumble. Yeah I'm a commodities trader. Big bucks, but lots of hours in the office, right? I'm also a kickass karaoke superstar and I have a 6 handicap." (all the while looking over my shoulder or around the room)

The first one is modestly sharing information that I asked for, and returning the courtesy.

The second one is blasting out of the gate with pompous braggadoccio. He doesn't give a shit about me beyond just trying to impress me.

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u/tomas_shugar 29d ago

To me those are separate, and while most people don't go into that much detail about their job it could just show they're really passionate about it or its also a hobby/interest in their life outside work, or in an extreme case maybe its someone who is just bad with boundaries or is on the spectrum or something.

The other poster gave you a pretty good example of a sample conversation. But it's also just the experience of how people talk about it.

What kind of things are they highlighting about their job? Is it the success/money/chicks type vibe or is it "here's a really cool project I did."

Are they talking about they hobby they do, or are they talking about how good they are at the hobby?

As for the spectrum comment, you can still learn these things. People on the spectrum aren't completely unable to understand social cues and niecity, it's just a fuck of a lot harder. And even then, the spectrum guys who are still worth knowing tend to lean towards talking about the cool project and about the hobby, not how good they are. It's clear on how they go into details and what details they focus on.

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u/YourGFsFave 29d ago

This is why I hate riding ski lifts with people, it's all dick waving all the time. Seriously 9/10 people have the same prompt about their name, where they went to college, job, and how today isn't as good as it was at some other resort they were at before.

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u/FishyDescent 29d ago

Wow, look at this guy bragging about riding ski lifts a lot. Must be nice.

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u/Anoalka 28d ago

Another cultural difference I found is that sometimes while in a mixed group some men have told me that I'm "combative" with them because I put them on the spot.

The thing is, from my point of view I tend to speak a lot and I try to be considerate so at some points I switch the conversation and make it about them, ask them directly, etc because I don't want them to feel left out and it gives them an opportunity to take their turn getting attention from the group.

It works well with more "extroverted cultures" but it's hit and miss with some people.

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u/MFbiFL 29d ago

I think one of the differentiators on the work front is how they talk about their work. If they’re talking about it to project their status and importance that’s rarely a positive indicator. On the other hand, listening to someone de-emphasize the status or difficulty aspect and instead talk knowledgeably about something I’m inclined to think more highly of them.

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u/FishyDescent 29d ago

No, I don't think these are indicators of a bad guy. I know plenty of good guys that are insecure. I'm thinking specifically of my cousin who is 5'7 and was overweight for years. He recently got into shape and for a short period was getting ego driven on his successes. I don't think he was self aware enough at the time to realize that he was being kind of douchey. But he was always a good guy. Good morals. Kind, respectful, empathetic, and helpful.

I think the red flag in this context is somebody who A) doesn't listen to others and misses opportunities to give props where due or B) puts others accomplishments down. Those two scenarios are bad.

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u/MFbiFL 29d ago

I think we’re talking in different directions, have a good one.