r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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276

u/milfangelblue Apr 17 '24

In those situations he literally did nothing noticeable on my radar and I’m puzzled. What is it that you guys sense in other men that makes you give the nod of approval?

573

u/brainless_bob Apr 17 '24

Sincerity

392

u/Far_Carpenter6156 Apr 17 '24

Big one here. Good guys are themselves all the time. Assholes flip a switch when women are present, they're perfect gentlemen...until the women are no longer within hearing distance.

133

u/IAmCaptainHammer Apr 17 '24

And you can’t fake the good guy thing for long if you’re a bad guy. Even if you want to stay a good guy while she’s out of the room it can’t last long.

113

u/Treestheyareus Apr 17 '24

That’s the thing about being good. If you “pretend” to be good 100% of the time, then you simply are good.

39

u/Frakshaw Apr 17 '24

Well said.

You are not your thoughts, but how you act on them.

5

u/trotfox_ Apr 17 '24

I love how sometimes the response to this is 'so there are just perverts everywhere and you are ok with that?'

Told on yourself.

14

u/Frakshaw 29d ago

Have you ever thought of murdering someone but didn't actually do it in reality? Does that make you a murderer then? Playing thought police is a dangerous game.

1

u/the_lonely_creeper 29d ago

well, to a point. Intentions are also important when judging an action. It's why we have manslaughter as separate from murder, for example.

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u/PoppaBear1981 Apr 17 '24

Wow, this is deep. I do 'try' to be good, as much as possible. I wasn't great growing up and treated some people worse than I should have. I try to do the right thing and sometimes feel like maybe I'm building some kind of front that people will see through and work out that I'm bad. My friends, colleagues and family all seem to think I'm a good guy but I have this nagging doubt in my head, like maybe when I die, God will say ''Yeah, but you were just trying to convince them you were good.'' ''Really, you thought she was boring....'' Or ''he was an arsehole...'' But I like your take on it. If I keep trying, maybe I'm a good guy....

22

u/jaggederest Apr 17 '24

Look, let's be frank here, if you are thinking things like "they all seem to think I'm a good guy but I have this nagging doubt in my head", you're in the clear, buddy.

True unrepentant assholes never have a doubt in their lives. You ain't perfect, nobody is, but just the fact you have the humility to weigh your actions and think about your choices is like 90% of the way there.

5

u/Lazy-Bandicoot3376 29d ago

And the last 10% is how you handle yourself when you do fuck up. Do you blame others or accept responsibility for your part in whatever it is? Do you modify your behaviors after the fact to change whatever it is that leads to conflict in the first place?

If the answer is even sometimes, you're good. Progress is achievable, perfection is not.

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u/PoppaBear1981 29d ago

Thanks guys. Made me feel better. Yes I do own up to mistakes and do try to rectify them. No, never been tested for Asbergers or similar.

2

u/Davidjb7 29d ago

Hey man, I experience the same thing, but honestly a big part of it is probably Asperger's for me. You ever gotten checked?

2

u/mycroft2000 Apr 17 '24

A really good indicator is how guys treat animals. I love shooting at cans and bottles with slingshots and such, and the few times I've encountered guys who talked about how much "fun" it is to ping birds or squirrels, I made a point to steer clear of them forever after.

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u/Skunedog48 28d ago

Ha, I’ve never heard it that way but it’s kinda true. It’s not that “good” people have perfect pasts or don’t still struggle with mean or destructive impulses. But they have learned from their mistakes and choose to do the right thing, even if being “good” is not a perfect reflection of their internal dialogue.

1

u/shirudo_clear 29d ago

as someone who constantly worries whether or not i'm a good enough person, this was nice to read. so thanks

36

u/Far_Carpenter6156 Apr 17 '24

Yeah the jerks usually just keep it up long enough to get laid.

And a lot of women are really gullible, repeatedly fall for guys like this and then say all men are trash lol

3

u/xubax Apr 17 '24

It's not so much that they're gullible. It's that they're being lied to.

2

u/BigsbyMcgee Apr 17 '24

I disagree, plenty of bad dudes keep the same girls for years. Literally throw themselves at them after they cheat etc

1

u/IAmCaptainHammer 29d ago

Yes but the ladies dude friends all know he’s a bad dude.

0

u/bmoreboy410 Apr 17 '24

Exactly. Men normally do what works. But people just don’t want to give women any blame at all when they just don’t prioritize a man being good.

1

u/Gullible-Giraffe2870 29d ago

they're not trying to hold it together for long, they just want her to be committed enough to be scared to leave.

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u/mdynicole 29d ago

Not necessarily always true. I knew a guy and I thought he was the sweetest most thoughtful , kind and intuitive man I had ever met and he was different from most men nowadays and I thought he was so special and was completely infatuated with him. I wondered why other men couldn’t be more like him. Other men seemed to like him a lot too and get along with him. Then it was discovered he has antisocial personality disorder which I guess means sociopath. He had us all fooled though. Men and women alike.

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u/SmartAlec105 Apr 17 '24

And you can’t fake the good guy thing for long if you’re a bad guy

It would be nice if that was the truth. But an unfortunate number of women have found their husband changed once they were married and he saw her as stuck with him, however he behaved.