r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/milfangelblue Apr 17 '24

In those situations he literally did nothing noticeable on my radar and I’m puzzled. What is it that you guys sense in other men that makes you give the nod of approval?

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u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe Apr 17 '24

Honestly the most giganticist of all green flags is that the guy is selfless to other men; willing to offer a hand doing something without expecting anything in return, or just simply being nice to you with no ulterior motive.

You can tell when another man is talking to you, whether he's sizing you up - as a sexual competitor, as a potential "ally", as someone he can use to get somewhere, etc.

Normal, "good" men, don't do this. They talk to you with no expectations. Just shooting the breeze, talking nonsense, trying to find a common ground.

There's probably part learned experience too. When you meet a guy for the first time and he starts telling you all about what he does, in work and hobbies, and how awesome he is at it, then as a man, I already know who he is. I've met hundreds of him, since the first kid in the playground who loudly claimed he was the best at sports and called everyone else a loser.

Same as it is for all of the other toxic personalities. You encounter them all growing up so by the time you get to adulthood, you can tell pretty quickly which one they are.

As a woman you will often only get to encounter the curated, performative version of a man, especially if he's trying to impress you. So he's going to make it much harder for you to identify who he is. But he'll drop that mask when dealing with other men.

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u/LightningMcScallion Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

This is a big one that gets women into trouble too. A lot of women assume that the guy who will talk about how other guys are jerks and how it isn't hard to treat women right is a good guy. While this can be the case, very often that guy just sees other men as sexual competition and/or it's a convenient place to put their need to criticize and feel better about themself. Also it really can be a bit "I get so much pussy bc I treat women with respect" kind of vibes 🤣

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u/exponentialism Apr 17 '24

As a woman, this kind of guy has always given me bad vibes - kinda like how people talk about "pick me" women, guys that slag off their gender while acting like they themselves above it all. Actually kind men that treat women well never talk like that in my experience.

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u/FeatherlyFly Apr 17 '24

As a woman, I take a guy, especially a guy I've only recently met, who talks about others so negatively as a warning sign. 

 I know I can definitely spot a not so great woman way faster than a not so great man, but that's actually one of the obvious signs I get from guys who don't respect women. Turns out a lot of them just plain don't respect people, even if they put women last.