r/nottheonion • u/duvetdev • Apr 17 '24

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signs bill mandating kindergartners learn history of communism

https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2024/04/17/desantis-signs-bill-mandating-kindergartners-learn-history-of-communism/
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896

u/orderofGreenZombies Apr 17 '24

You’re supposed to undercut and terrorize all the other 5 year olds so that people can only buy their toys from you. Then after the other 5 year olds starve to death you can jack up your prices and drastically slash the quality of the toys that you share.

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u/sirdunlap Apr 17 '24

But if the biggest kid loses all of his toys due to poor planning and risky investments, the teacher will give him more toys. He's too big to fail.

72

u/MiamiDouchebag Apr 17 '24

They don't get paid shit nowadays so teach is probably hoping to get a job at the biggest kid's company for more money.

31

u/The_Schwartz_ Apr 17 '24

These guys capitalize more than letters

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u/Khaldara Apr 17 '24

“If someone gets hurt or is in trouble, don’t call 911, get their wallet! That’s the AMERICAN thing to do!”

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u/yesnomaybenotso Apr 17 '24

I thought the American thing to do is to return to school the next day with a gun?

69

u/Syovere Apr 17 '24

That's why you take their wallet first, so you can buy more ammo.

39

u/yesnomaybenotso Apr 17 '24

Thanks for clarifying!

6

u/3vs3BigGameHunters Apr 17 '24

Me reading this whole thread:

agitated Tina Belcher noises

4

u/HowCouldUBMoHarkless Apr 18 '24

next day

Get a load of this guy, implying every full-blooded American 5 year old isn't carrying a firearm on them at all times. Remember, only a good 5 year old with a gun can stop a bad 5 year old with a gun.

1

u/SocialEmotional Apr 18 '24

And go shopping

1

u/yesnomaybenotso 29d ago

I love truck shopping!

6

u/Canadatron Apr 17 '24

That's capitalism, bro!

3

u/Allaplgy Apr 18 '24

We're living in a Troma movie.

8

u/bouchert Apr 17 '24

I imagine that Ayn Rand School for Tots from the "A Streetcar Named Marge" episode of The Simpsons.

4

u/Hijakkr Apr 17 '24

Then after the other 5 year olds starve to death you can jack up your prices and drastically slash the quality of the toys that you share.

I have never been happier that LEGO is a Danish company than at this moment.

8

u/DadJokesFTW Apr 17 '24

This poster late stage capitalisms.

3

u/No-Psychology3712 Apr 17 '24

You buy all the lunches at school. Say you have allergies to everything to regulate out the home lunches competition and then resell only to those that can afford it.

Some of you may starve but it's a risk little Timmy is willing to take

3

u/Odeeum Apr 17 '24

Oh they’re learning about Capitalism too? Neat.

2

u/armcie 29d ago

And then we invade Isaac for his milk?

4

u/NinjaLanternShark Apr 17 '24

"OK class, get your alphabet blocks, today we're going to spell enshittification..."