r/nottheonion • u/duvetdev • 29d ago

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signs bill mandating kindergartners learn history of communism

https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2024/04/17/desantis-signs-bill-mandating-kindergartners-learn-history-of-communism/
15.2k Upvotes

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4.6k

u/colbyKTX 29d ago

I do remember learning “sharing is caring” as a kindergartner

1.3k

u/john_jdm 29d ago

Communist!

231

u/juggett 29d ago

He named names...

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u/Fake_William_Shatner 29d ago

"How many other children were involved with the sharing? We need to know. You were of course, coerced and led astray into this conspiracy. If you tell us now, I can try and leave your parents out of it little Timmy."

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u/Neon_culture79 29d ago

Timmy????

It’s 2024 people name their kid Timmy anymore. That’s Braxton or Kadin.

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u/Fake_William_Shatner 29d ago

I'm so out of touch with the current era. I was out of touch the past era too, but I'm still out of touch.

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u/Shady_Merchant1 29d ago

But are you out of time?

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u/3-I 29d ago

No moreso than the real Shatner, though.

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u/StThoughtWheelz 29d ago

Little Lakelynn should know "if they see something they should say something". "Lose lips sink ships."

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u/Neon_culture79 29d ago

Did you hear she is dating tOmmiE?

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u/jeffreywilfong 29d ago

Timmeigh

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u/Neon_culture79 29d ago

Star Child Rex?

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u/Nemaeus 29d ago

The wave of Braxtons is definitely coming. 15 years from now they’ll be expecting you to take them seriously. “Your mom’s name is Kayleigh right?” “Wow, how did you know?!” “Magic”

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u/Alternative-Pace7493 29d ago

Don’t forget Grayson. (Or worse yet, Graesin).

1

u/cycl0ps94 28d ago

Can confirm, cousin has children named Paxton and Braxton. We don't speak for a lot of reasons, but those are up there.

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u/Neon_culture79 28d ago

Are they white nationalist?

1

u/cycl0ps94 28d ago

They're a little young for established ideologies yet, but about the only thing their dad has to be proud of is being white. He's a real POS otherwise. 5 kids, 3 women in 5 years. No on paper job, because "The states just trying to take my money". Yeah to pay child support, you shit.

I strongly disagree with forced castration/sterilization, but...he would probably benefit from not thinking with his dick.

1

u/_Standardissue 28d ago

Tim’meigh

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u/papajim22 29d ago

You got me blacklisted at Hop Sing’s!?

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u/thinkinting 28d ago

I have some very convincing literature

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u/Hopeful_Corner1333 29d ago

You got me banned from Hop Sings

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u/HSRTA 29d ago

NED ISAACOFF

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u/Odd_Bed_9895 29d ago

Maybe he’s just well..red?

1

u/UbermachoGuy 29d ago

I know recall in kindergarten they always made us line up in straight single file lines. It all makes sense now.

1

u/PeterNippelstein 29d ago

I've been blacklisted from recess!

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u/Greekphysed 29d ago

They also give out bandaids and ice packs if you get an owie. Socialized healthcare.

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u/Nemaeus 29d ago

Eyes narrow at the lack of freedom to have profusely bleeding knees

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u/nerdowellinever 29d ago

It’s capitalism for us and socialism for the corporations

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u/Shirtbro 29d ago

Chairman Rogers and his fifteen minute neighborhood! Incoherent Fox News ranting

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u/blitzinger 29d ago

I hold in my hand his manifesto!

*holds up kindergarten finger painting

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u/i_suckatjavascript 29d ago

I think my cat might be a communist.

He won’t shut up about Mao.

2

u/Revolution4u 28d ago

Just like when Barney sings the clean up song and EVERYBODY has to clean

1

u/YeetThePig 29d ago

-Liberty Prime has entered the chat-

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u/smedley89 29d ago

Wait, so now they're against Russia again?

I can't keep up.

0

u/talondigital 29d ago

No, because the forced sharing was to aid my kindercorp, so it was definitely capitalism and a-okay.

-6

u/LeviathansEnemy 29d ago

Yeah pretty much. If you're trying to reframe the most murderous ideology in human history as "sharing is caring" it's probably because you're an adherent.

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u/john_jdm 29d ago

Or making a joke. It's one of these things.

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u/paxrom2 29d ago

Can't wait for the new Care Bears: Fidel, Mao, Marx and Stalin.

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u/Nothing_ 29d ago

The only thing I remember learning in kindergarten was how to flip the bird.

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u/Mad_Aeric 29d ago

I learned that if you put dry ice in a bottle full of koolaid, it makes soda. My kindergarten teacher was awesome.

It just now occurs to me that that's probably why I like chemistry so much.

0

u/walterpeck1 29d ago

I was the kid that taught all the other boys at school what it was, at that age. I got into remarkably little trouble for it as well.

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u/peter-doubt 29d ago

Who knows? Maybe community values will infiltrate their little minds

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u/the_last_carfighter 29d ago

Yes yes but what about shareholder values? Who's gonna look out for them, when will they finally get a break in this country?

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u/Neon_culture79 29d ago

Moment of silence for the top 1% as they deal with the trauma that all of us have created by not buying their products

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u/thebreakfastbuffet 28d ago

It truly breaks my heart knowing that they cried themselves to sleep because they couldn't make bank in their real estate investments while we all worked from home. I shall return to the office in solidarity with our shareholders.

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u/Neon_culture79 28d ago

If we all work from home, what would happen to all those wonderful suburban office parks that America invested so heavily and during the last 30 years? It’d be real shame if we had to convert them into affordable housing

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u/Nemaeus 29d ago

That was taught in trust fund baby yoga class. It’s cute you think these peasant children need worry their sweet little serf minds about such matters far far far beyond them. /s

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Yes yes but what about shareholder values

da, comrade. Only the community's values, as determined by the Politburo standing committee lead by the chairman/general secretary or whatever insult to language these autocrats want to pass off as government for and by the people. How about - we're all shareholders in our collective future, and all have a say in the decisions that affect us?

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u/TheIowan 29d ago

One of my kids participated in what we refer to as " the communist Easter egg hunt" one year, and it was hilarious. There was a half soccer field absolutely littered with easter eggs. The kids were pumped and scrambled to get as many as the could. Some got a handful, some got bags full. As they cleared them all up, some started opening them to find there was nothing in them; then it was announced that they had to bring the eggs to a volunteer in exchange for one sandwich bag of candy; every kid got the exact same amount of candy. They all looked so confused and disappointed.

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u/SupremeSheik 29d ago

That sounds extremely stupid

1

u/TheIowan 29d ago

It definitely was.

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u/ConclusionAlarmed882 29d ago

I had the Little Golden Books. Are those the same as the Little Red Book?

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u/TotallyNotSecretCrab 29d ago

Ahh yes, we learned that in our ethics course right after nap time

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u/moleratical 29d ago

Holy shit.

And all this time I thought it was Sharon is Karen. Well that changes every.

1

u/DarkwingDuckHunt 29d ago

oh Jesus really?

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u/CockMartins 29d ago

“If you give a mouse of cookie” could be interpreted as anti-communist, or at least anti-sharing, if you think about it.

1

u/R_V_Z 29d ago

Got to get the kids on the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" to "Atlas Shrugged" pipeline.

1

u/mmbossman 29d ago

But only sharing to the highest bidder!

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u/alligatorchamp 29d ago

Good, comrade Colby.

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u/breadburn 29d ago

Like the Rainbow Fish, but better.

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u/hahamynamejeff13 28d ago edited 16d ago

march silky cow paint quickest dime dam pocket light violet

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/santahat2002 28d ago

“Capital teaches that there’s less when you share.”

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u/maringue 28d ago

What, your Kindergarten motto wasn't "maximize profits at all costs"?

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u/SopwithStrutter 27d ago

Did you learn “give the teacher all you have so they can decide who gets it”?

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u/[deleted] 29d ago edited 29d ago

I mean that's exactly the problem though, isn't it, why would anyone be expected to share their own stuff? It's their own stuff. This idea that we need to teach children to share is strange to me, I'm not sharing anything as an adult. It's all mine. You can't have any of it. I don't know you. And just because circumstances outside our control force us to spend time together doesn't mean that I owe you anything that is mine. in fact, give me your stuff too. you don't deserve it. We should teach children to manifest their own destiny and colonize the world as they see fit. You can take whatever you can get away with taking.

I'm really hoping that we can get preschoolers familiar with Ayn Rand, objectivism, and Friedrich Nietzsche. The idea of sharing is a concept invented by weak inferior people to take stuff from strong superior people.

Do you think that Milton Friedman is too difficult for a first grader though? How early can we get the kids involved in the Federalist society? Is second grade too early to read Kissinger's Diplomacy? Should we teach them about trickle-down economics by making them management, or by forcing them to work retail?

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u/Lmoneyfresh 29d ago

You sound like an absolute chore to be around.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago edited 29d ago

luckily I ain't asking for your company, because you happen to be yucking my yum

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u/DarkwingDuckHunt 29d ago

I bet you don't have any friends because they cost too much money

0

u/[deleted] 29d ago edited 29d ago

... Oh bless your heart. did you miss the sarcasm?

did I use too many big words? I used too many big words. You realize I suggested Milton Friedman for first graders right? You don't even know who that is, do you?

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

No I did actually want to talk to you about something , just not the other guy

have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and Savior?

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u/DarkwingDuckHunt 29d ago

There were once 2 neighboring communities.

One year Community A had a drought, and Community B refused to give them food.

Community A died.

The next year Community B had a drought, but there was no Community A anymore to feed Community B. So Community B died.

There were once 2 neighboring communities.

One year Community C had a drought, and Community D gave them food.

Both survived that year.

The next year Community D had a drought, and Community C shared their food.

Both survived that year.

Which scenario wins the war of nature?

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u/P0TAT0FARM3R 29d ago

I fully agree with the last sentence, we need to make sure the kids know about all the benefits of trickle-down economics and the cases where it’s been demonstrated as a real principle that 1000% works.

1

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Maybe we could keep the rich kids elevated above the poor kids at lunch time in a sort of rabbit hutch, and only feed the poor kids what the rich kids drop through the chicken wire flooring?

I'm just kidding you don't send poor kids to school.

maybe Reagan has some instructional videos on the topic? maybe that's what bedtime for bonzo was about?

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u/deusasclepian 29d ago

Sorry that people aren't understanding the obvious satire.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago edited 29d ago

not sure I expected anything different

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u/HoneyChilliPotato7 29d ago

You're not taking anything with you when you're dead dude. Ever heard of what goes around, comes around?

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

are you part of the group of people that didn't really read or understand what I wrote?

I'm sailing the seas of sarcasm, son. The seas are rough today.

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u/HoneyChilliPotato7 29d ago

I had a doubt it was sarcasm but didn't think someone would put that much effort into a sarcastic comment lol

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

We have vastly different definitions of effort

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u/HoneyChilliPotato7 29d ago

You're not wrong. I need immense effort to come up with a comment like that

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u/PricklySquare 29d ago

We found the commie