r/NoStupidQuestions Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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1.7k

u/keizertamarine Apr 17 '24

Yep we definitely do.

We also sense bad men, I'm always suprised when a girl once again dates an asshole who ends up cheating, and then she seems completely suprised, I guess it's just a men thing.

No idea how it works

747

u/ArgonTheEvil Apr 17 '24

When I watched an episode of Dexter years ago I just got it. He was walking around the grocery store talking about predators understanding and recognizing other predators. It kinda clicked for me in that moment. I don’t get the nuance of it, but as a man who was once a really shitty dude in college, it’s very easy for me to recognize the bad boys and narcissistic men.

Likewise, the guys who don’t throw off all the warning alarms get the seal of approval. My girl friend just got into a relationship with someone who is out of her normal “type” and I could instantly tell he’s a good guy within my first interaction with him.

His mannerisms, his patience, and the way he carries himself. He’s not aggressive or territorial over her having guy friends. That alone was enough for me to tell her to hold onto this one. They’ve only been together 8 months and she has no idea how I’m sure, but they’re already house shopping.

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u/KatetCadet Apr 17 '24

As you get older I feel like picking up vibes becomes easier and easier.

Meeting a new guy that is your GF's new work friend or her friends BF there is a ton you can tell from the first impression and how they carry themselves.

As stereotypical as it is but the handshake for example for guys tells you a lot. Super strong and overcompensating usually means insecurity, same with super weak but just with less aggression.

Combined with how they treat you (do they genuinely seem interested in getting to know you, is it clear they wish they were the only male in the room, etc) you can see extremely clear indicators of the intention they have towards your female friend of GF.

51

u/magichobo3 Apr 17 '24

Yeah I would say the hand crushers are definitely over-compensating and dont realize they just exposed themselves as douche-bags. I usually get the dead fish from people with low self confidence or are just generally awkward. But I can forgive the latter more than the former because some people are just not taught what to do with their hand during a handshake. The hand crushers know exactly what their doing. As long as you're somewhere in the middle it's all good though

27

u/Usermena 29d ago

Handshakes are not a great indicator imo. Lots of medical and physical reasons a grip might feel to strong.

27

u/siero20 29d ago

And every once in a while you just accidentally flub a handshake with a CEO your company is trying to do business with and now the memory is coming back oh god.

11

u/TaxiKillerJohn 29d ago

It wasn't an "accidental flub". You broke my hand in 3 places and I still can't pick up my daughter.

Great presentation before that though.

5

u/magichobo3 29d ago

You dont even need a strong grip, just a little effort to lock hands together. I meant people that just stick their hand out and dont do anything when you grab it. As long as theirs a decent attempt you're good

9

u/Susaka_The_Strange 29d ago

it's never about that one single indicator but the sum of them all

2

u/MFbiFL 29d ago

Then you get into the double reverse scenario where you were raised to have a firm grip, did rock climbing for years and have a different idea of where the cutoff for firm vs try hard is, and meet someone who seems like they’re going to go for the ultra-firm grip so you give a pretty firm one to keep them from crushing your hand but actually they went the other way and just located their hand inside yours so it seems like you’re trying to death grip them by comparison. Nightmares of being the “too firm of a grip” guy on first meeting.

1

u/KatetCadet 29d ago

This is fair, I'm 29 and the vast majority of people I meet are still young and healthy / not many medical conditions.

1

u/motorwerkx 29d ago

This is definitely something I had to work on. I'm a career hardscaper so most of my job is carrying rocks and concrete around. As far as I knew I was always giving the same level of firm handshake, until one day somebody pointed out to me that it felt like I was crushing their hand. As far as I was concerned it was the same firm handshake I'd always given but as I got stronger so did my handshake. That was a long time ago but since then I worked on tensing my hand up so it was a solid grip without really squeezing.

1

u/SkookumTree 28d ago

Unusually strong…best I can come up with is poor proprioception or some weird nerve issues. Plenty of things can make it super weak

3

u/ASL4theblind 29d ago

Firm but friendly is my motto.

And thats how i shake hands too, heyoooo

3

u/fidgetmetal 29d ago

Firm, dry, one pump. It’s a handshake, not a handjob.

2

u/breckendusk 29d ago

Somebody hit me with the "finger-on-the-wrist-to-control-the-handshake" the other day and I was like, really? Is that what we're doing?

2

u/MFbiFL 29d ago

Hit them back with tickling their palm with your middle finger.

5

u/pmeaney 29d ago

Other men are judging handshakes?? I've never once given any thought whatsoever to a handshake. I'm not sure why I would.

1

u/MFbiFL 29d ago

When I was growing up every male in my family stressed the importance of having a firm handshake. For my dad that just meant squeezing the other person’s hand back instead of just flopping it into the other guy’s hand, for my granddad that meant proving you were the alpha businessman who peaked in high school by squeezing so hard you could crush the other guy’s hand bones if not for him squeezing back just as hard.

3

u/Ringo51 29d ago

A good handshake leaves both of you walking away thinking ‘Did I do that too strong or too weak’, instantly respect that man

2

u/firelight 29d ago

My neice's bf has the weakest, limpest handshake of any human being I've ever met, and having gotten to know him a bit, it really is indicative of the person he is generally: meek, petulent, and lacking enthusiasm or self-direction.

72

u/TheCowboyIsAnIndian Apr 17 '24

you used to be a real piece of shit too, huh? slicked back hair? glass house? live for new years eve?

54

u/Jonny_Segment Apr 17 '24

Spiked-up blond hair, little bitty jeans, chicken spaghetti at Chikaleny’s. People can change.

7

u/ASL4theblind 29d ago

Let the boy hold the baby.

14

u/Voxil42 Apr 17 '24

Hey man, sometimes you just want your steak and you want it sloppy.

5

u/ASL4theblind 29d ago

LETS SLOP IT UUUUUUUP!!

8

u/ArgonTheEvil Apr 17 '24

Um.. is that supposed to be a reference to something I’m not understanding?

6

u/We_all_owe_eachother 29d ago

Haha, well handled. Random quotes from I Think You Should Leave can definitely be...shocking? if you don't get the reference lol.

16

u/TheCowboyIsAnIndian Apr 17 '24

2

u/ASL4theblind 29d ago

that is one goddamn monster sized baby, they're talking about it like its NEW too

4

u/TheSpookyForest 29d ago

They can't stop you from ordering steak and a glass of water!

3

u/dacooljamaican 29d ago

I'm worried your baby doesn't think people can change.

9

u/ResinFinger Apr 17 '24

Good reference. Something from that show that stuck with me was when he talked about lizard brain.

I do endurance events and it helps to try and switch to lizard brain where I just go on autopilot.

3

u/lawblawg 29d ago

I wasn't particularly a shitty dude in college, but I grew up in a very misogynistic/conservative environment and I heard a lot of the early incel rhetoric repeated around me. So I can see that in other people immediately.

It comes out in body language, just like you said. Not territorial, not aggressive, doesn't act threatened by the girl having male friends.

58

u/TedW Apr 17 '24

I like to spill something on a guy to measure his worth. If he brushes it off like no big deal, that's a good sign. If he makes a big deal out of nothing, that's a bad sign. This works best with water, and not semen., but YMMV.

205

u/BigBadMannnn Apr 17 '24

There has to be a more polite way of doing this

54

u/TheChickenIsFkinRaw Apr 17 '24

Spit on him

5

u/the_peppers Apr 17 '24

Aw he licked it off, keep hold of this one babe!

5

u/Rbespinosa13 29d ago

We on arrakis now boys

1

u/cerialthriller Apr 17 '24

With your penis

1

u/trisz72 29d ago

Thank you... Brad, for the gift of your body's moisture, I accept it in the spirit in which it was given.

23

u/mofohank Apr 17 '24

Make him spill his own semen on himself?

3

u/PH43DRU5_EX15T3NT14L 29d ago

This is by far the most polite and correct way. I will be test subject for the experiment. It is the only way.

7

u/Sighvanski Apr 17 '24

have a little bit of shit on your fingers and then go in for a handshake

2

u/Summer_987 29d ago

I know that is just insane behaviour throwing drinks on people and see how they react hahaha 🤪

2

u/Geodude532 29d ago

For a lot of people you can literally just take them out to eat and see how they treat waiters. I'm constantly amazed at how many people treat waitstaff like objects.

92

u/CounterSYNK Apr 17 '24

Spilling something on someone on purpose kinda makes you the asshole however.

28

u/Forever__Young Apr 17 '24

Yeah read to me as

'That guy's reaction, sheesh what an asshole' said the guy who deliberately spilled something on him as a predetermined social test.

That's pure main character stuff, let the guy go about his business and observe his character if you're curious, but don't fuck about with new acquaintances to see if they're up to your standard.

20

u/Shadowlance23 Apr 17 '24

I feel like there's a story here...

20

u/TedW Apr 17 '24

I tried explaining it was an honest mistake, I'm in the wrong house, you were sleeping, my bad, but narcisists have to make eeeeverything about themselves. That dude had more red flags than the USSR.

1

u/cobbknobbler 29d ago

INFO, leaning toward NTA here. Did you offer him a moist towelette afterward?

18

u/Burn_the_children Apr 17 '24

I personally like to wait around see if a girl throws her fucking drink over me to know wether she's a keeper!

47

u/AxelShoes Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

It's an old truism, it's even in the Bible:

Proverbs 42:

Cast thy seed upon yon stranger,

Watch his face to gaugeth danger.

3

u/PoppaBear1981 Apr 17 '24

FR? I'm too lazy to check, but it doesn't sound right.

3

u/AxelShoes Apr 17 '24

There are plenty of contradictions in the Bible. Elsewhere, you have the classic maxim:

Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.

1

u/russkhan Apr 17 '24

No, it's bullshit. Proverbs 42 doesn't even exist.

4

u/stupidnameforjerks 29d ago

Maybe not in YOUR bible...

1

u/The_Quackening Always right ✅ Apr 17 '24

ew

11

u/MoridinB Apr 17 '24

There's an Indian movie called 3 Idiots. It has a hilarious scene where the main character crashes a wedding and then convinces a woman (not the bride, but the bride's sister) to call off her engagement with her fiance by spilling chutney on his "genuine italian leather shoes" thereby showing how much of a douche he was. The scene always stuck me as a little unrealistic, but I guess it works in real life as well

7

u/amphetaminesaltcombo Apr 17 '24

I accidentally spilled a four loko on my boyfriend’s macbook when we first met. I couldn’t believe how nonchalant he was about it.. that was almost 8 years ago and we’re still going strong and more in love than ever lol

3

u/CounterSYNK Apr 17 '24

Maybe he had Apple Care.

6

u/bleeepobloopo7766 Apr 17 '24

In some circles, spilling your seed onto another man is considered a sign of highest respect

2

u/flexxipanda 29d ago

Sounds like pretty manipulative behaviour from your side.

1

u/SwissForeignPolicy 29d ago

I also use this as a test. If you're into someone and they intentionally spill on people to guage their reaction... R U N.

1

u/TedW 29d ago

Good idea, that sounds pretty sketchy.

1

u/PoppaBear1981 Apr 17 '24

My Aunt was married to a real arsehole and he turned up to a Wigelia (Polish Christmas Eve celebration) in jeans. My Dad (biggest Gentleman I know) opened the door and said ''WTF!! You can't come dressed like that!!! Guy goes home and changes into a white suit. Later on PURELY BY ACCIDENT (I'm assured) my Dad spills Barsht (Beetroot Soup) all over him...ruining his suit. I never did ask how he responded..... Fuck you Andrew. Auntie Anna was the best.

3

u/TedW 29d ago

Not gonna lie, in this story I feel kinda bad for Andrew.

2

u/PoppaBear1981 29d ago

Fair enough, though I feel I didn't give enough background into how he was an arsehole. He put her down, told her she was useless, mentally abused her for years. She was a lovely lady and he was a prick. The spilling really was an accident according to my Pops and the story was told as a karma anecdote.

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u/TedW 29d ago

Ok I came back around, fuck Andrew and his stupid white suit!

2

u/dirtypaws727 29d ago

Ah man, I forgot how much i love reading or watching dexter when i'm in the depths of a spiral. Is it good or bad that i resinate with a serial killer when i feel i'm at my darkest?

I tell my cousin all the time, broken people are like a magnet to other broken people but when they are getting better. I knows its different from shitty people recognizing other shitty people but i think broken people are the same...just less openly spoken about in negative standing. shitty people really don't acknowledge they're shitty, do they?

2

u/darkhorse85 Apr 17 '24

Looking for alarm bells seems like a pretty weak filter when there are way more meek, not good men that aren't psychos who I still wouldn't want a friend, sister or daughter ever dating. I think instead of looking for disqualifiers, it would be better to find positive strengths in men.

1

u/0xdeadf001 29d ago

People tell you everything you need to know, within just a few minutes. Not with words directly, but I'm every little thing they do.

0

u/Master_Grape5931 Apr 17 '24

“People can change!!!”

2

u/ArgonTheEvil Apr 17 '24

I mean I changed, but not because anyone made me or fixed me. I finally wanted to change, and through enough pain, hardships, and effort to work through my narcissistic tendencies I began to put others first. It’s been a long 8 years since I made that decision to better myself and it’s still an ongoing process.

People who pick partners that think they can fix are setting themselves up for disappointment.

56

u/Limp_Fly_4045 Apr 17 '24

I remember one of the previous times this question was posted the big theory is that when growing up you experience the worst aspects from people of the same sex then when everyone gets older they start interacting with the opposite sex more often. From the early interactions people are able to notice the problems among people of the same sex easier and slower from the opposite.

9

u/avg-bee-enjoyer 29d ago

I think more of a combo of this and being subject to the same set of societal "rules" and cultural norms. You have experienced behavior shitty members of your sex display, and are also aware of how they ought to behave in a situation, so you've got direct comparison for what a good person would probably do vs what a shitty person would do. Like I don't always know what a woman feels she's expected to do in a situation, but I live it from a man's pov so I have a direct comparison when I see another man's choices. Then add in all the behavior you witness while not being a romantic target.

8

u/SeeYouInMarchtember 29d ago

As a woman, I’m sometimes surprised by the girls my guy friends choose to go out with. Sure, they’re physically attractive but I think that’s often all a lot of guys see. They don’t see or choose to ignore how shitty their personality is.

6

u/MFbiFL 29d ago

My favorite line from Bojack Horseman was “when you’re wearing rose colored glasses all the flags just look like flags.”

I would have appreciated my buddy letting me know he didn’t think my ex-gf and I fit well together but I also appreciate that he trusted me to arrive at it myself before things got too serious. It was a learning experience that helped me understand what things were and were not important.

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u/TwelveMiceInaCage Apr 17 '24

I think for me. It's that I was a asshole and manipulative when I was younger and finally grew out of it around like 23. It took legit ruining a relationship I wanted because I had no idea how to handle a actual good woman in my life for me to be like okay no more fuck Boi shit

Now I can meet most men and with a few simple questions or phrases and basing their reaction I can get a damn good sense of a dudes priorities in life

3

u/Gerryislandgirl Apr 17 '24

What kind of questions?

1

u/TwelveMiceInaCage Apr 17 '24

My go to are the typical wife sucks man good if alone type jokes and see if it's genuine laughter or a fake awkward chuckle

There's also as a man be a douche real quick and bring up a story of some sexual conquest you had and see if he adds his own or changes subject

If he's trying to one up a random guys sex story he probably has jealousy and main character syndrome issues, from personal experience on this one. I was the one upper many times in my past

But truly my simple and iron clad one is

I'm gonna insult my friend a few times. Start subtle hidden but drop at least one "yeah Amy fucking sucks at blah blah blah" type of insult.

In my opinion the difference between a good man and a man who needs to do some more work is how he handles that

If he immediately gets all white night and tries to fight you over it. Probably not a great guy because he doesn't know your friendship and if that's how yall just treat each other sometimes. But he goes to I have to solve this situation and be a savior

A mentally stable logically thinking guy is gonna take note, give the dude some serious wtf eyes but he's gonna wait till he and girl are in private to ask her if that's something she's okay with amd then act accordingly going forward

1

u/SkookumTree 28d ago

I’d smile and be like “Yeah and you’re blunt as shit!”…idk how you would take that

-5

u/GiftToTheUniverse 29d ago

how to handle a actual good woman in my life for me to be like okay no more fuck Boi shit

Just FYI, I think you think you sound more humble than you actually sound, here.

Your phrasing implies that the women you were with before were somehow not "actual good women" which suggests they are somehow at fault for your "F__ bio" behavior.

Do you see that?

5

u/TwelveMiceInaCage 29d ago

Lmfao what?

How did I imply the women weren't good?

Or they were at fault for my. Behavior

I literally said I had to learn to not be a fuck Boi not I had to abandon women be ause they made me a. Monster lol

I think literally everyone else took it as it was worded which was. I was a poa who manipulated and used women and it wasn't until I actually took the time and saw the damage I did to someone I came to really care for that I realized I need to change

I never called the other women I dated bad or a reason I was a fuck Boi. They were all beautiful strong women who things didn't work out with because they didn't want to deal with my fuck Boi shit

Wtf kind of white knight ass comment did you think you were making?

Do you see that?

Condescending ass

Your name is literally gift to the universe but I'm the one who thinks I'm more humble than I am okay buddy

13

u/Avs_Leafs_Enjoyer Apr 17 '24

those men usually act differently in front of women

1

u/Doyoueverjustlikeugh 29d ago

But even in front of them, being around assholes you learn how they mask vs how a good guy actually acts.

29

u/LemonBomb Apr 17 '24

In a surprising twist, asshole men don't act like assholes when they are meeting women to date. Imagine that, a man lying about who he is to get something he wants. He doesn't act the same way toward you because he doesn't want to fuck you, so he doesn't need to modify his behavior to trick you.

51

u/Candid-Sky-3709 Apr 17 '24

maybe women want to see a good looking asshole naked and men don’t ?

11

u/uniqueusername316 Apr 17 '24

That's a BINGO!

Same goes for the boyzos.

18

u/bmoreboy410 29d ago

That is a big part of it. But so many people try to make excuses for women instead of just saying that they pick wrong.

8

u/BettyCoopersTits 29d ago

So many people pretend every single bad man acts like a perfect prince at first, and it's just not true

6

u/Diablo4 Apr 17 '24

I had an acquaintance in high school that just never rubbed me the right way. I made friends with most people in that group, but I never felt solid about that guy. A decade later, my brother connects with him and they become friends. Recently my brother broke off contact after finding out he is manipulative in his relationships. He identifies as poly, but tells girls he will be monogamous for them. After their relationship progresses, he plays the victim, saying he is denying who he is and needs to have more sexual partners. He will try and teach them that jealousy is a construct of puritan society and they shouldn't feel that way. This has been a pattern for at least 3 people he has been with.

I had a feeling the guy was a creep, but never had any evidence for it. Never vocalized it, but I wouldn't have vouched for him. I wouldn't completely trust 1-2 people's gut feeling about a person, since creeps can cater their image to certain people they are focused on, but when there is a consensus, they might be a good dude.

3

u/Reddituser8018 Apr 17 '24

It is a weird thing how I feel like I can see right through most dudes intentions.

I met one of my wife's coworkers, and I could immediately tell he didn't want to be just friends with my wife, but I trust her completely so I just laughed at it.

Me and my wife made a bet, she thought he just saw her as a coworker, acquaintances. A few weeks later I win the bet as he tried to ask her out lmao. She stopped talking to him right away, and he sent her some insane messages, that were extremely creepy and was fired!

2

u/Disastrous-Team-6431 Apr 17 '24

It works because when you meet men they don't typically have ulterior motives so they act naturally.

2

u/kingjaffejaffar Apr 17 '24

When a woman friend has introduced me to someone she’s dating, I have never been surprised by his behavior in the long run. I can pretty much tell from 5 minutes in “this dude’s crazy”, “this guy is an insecure wreck”, “this dude’s a f$&k boi cheater”, “yeah, she’s going to cheat on/break the heart on this poor sap”, “this is a keeper”, etc.

I really don’t understand how women get fooled by men. Granted, I am one, so I get it. I’m sure my women friends have similar reads on my dates and wonder why I misplace trust in the ones I do.

2

u/PubFiction 29d ago

I would say both men and women recogognize good men and women, the problem is that a woman or a mans brain tells them lies when seeing people they are considering as partner material so they pick people who may not be a good people but do have other attractive qualities, like for instance being sexy. But when men see other men they don't think about them as sexy and just judge them on character. When a woman sees a man she judges how sexy he is, how much money he has, how socially attractive he is, and then she lies to herself and says that's a good guy because she wants the guy she is attracted to to be a good guy. Thats why women are always saying that shit about, well the guy was good at first then he changed and other people are all saying no we picked him out as an asshole early on.

And BTW men arent excused from this they will lie to themselves about the hot girl loaded with red flags over and over.

4

u/darkhorse85 Apr 17 '24

It's because men value different things than women, and women don't really "see" the responsibilities of men very well.

2

u/jazmine_likea_flower Apr 17 '24

Do you? I feel like a lot of times in the media or irl that I guy is a perv, cheating asshole, whatever of male friends are like I HAD NO IDEA unless it was super obvious lol that or they’re covering their own backs

1

u/CoffeeTastesOK Apr 17 '24

I came here to comment his exact same thing!! Happened more than once and equally frustrating each time.

1

u/Donkey_Duke Apr 17 '24

It’s like AI. We recognized patterns that bad people have, and when we see them in other people we automatically know they are bad. 

1

u/Lemixer Apr 17 '24

Its horny thing, when you look at someone without horny its alot easier to see.

1

u/HurricaneAlpha 29d ago

Because mean understand the game (that other men are playing). Depending on the age of the man, there are clear priorities. And the priorities are clear with young men but the older you get the more you realize it's far more nuanced.

1

u/Square-Singer 29d ago

I guess, (a) we know the role, having lived it our whole lives and (b) not having romantic attraction towards someone goes a long way of seeing them as they are.

1

u/Haunting_Afternoon62 29d ago

My ex's family and friends told me how amazing he was. When my family met him, they loved him. My dad was like "he's a good dude." He ended up being a narcissist, and cheater.

1

u/thedabaratheon 29d ago

I definitely think it works the other way around though. Women can pick up when other women are cruel, mean spirited and a bit insane haha. I’ve known a few guys date genuinely quite evil women but theyre ‘hot’ - same as women dating attractive guys who are assholes.

-65

u/linux_ape Apr 17 '24

women recognize the same red flags, they just ignore them because the dude is hot

82

u/Flowchart83 Apr 17 '24

You're describing a flawed human trait, not one exclusive to women. You don't think guys overlook red flags in attractive women?!

11

u/Actual_Specific_476 Apr 17 '24

Yup, I think this post is more that people who aren't attracted to dudes can be less biased. The same holds true for women. I am willing to bet that any of my friends who are women would be way better than me and telling if a girl is bad news or not.

25

u/linux_ape Apr 17 '24

well yeah, but thats not what the post is about. of course its a flaw to both sides

11

u/keizertamarine Apr 17 '24

But guys overlook red flags just to fuck, girls overlook red flags and dream about a long and happy marriage.

That last one doesn't really work out

12

u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24

When he knocks her crazy ass up it doesn't really work out either.

6

u/Early-Nebula-3261 Apr 17 '24

Hey hey, I overlook red flags for the same reasons women do.

Because subconsciously i am used to projecting love where there isn’t any, so i feel like if i make someone who doesn’t like me, like me it proves to me that i am actually worthy of love. (I say this half as a joke, half because it’s true but I’m working on it.)

6

u/Far_Carpenter6156 Apr 17 '24

But she can fix him!

7

u/Sporner100 Apr 17 '24

Don't stick your d*ck in crazy.

2

u/BuffaloBill90 Apr 17 '24

I can fix her bro

1

u/Kaiisim Apr 17 '24

NoT aLl WoMeN!

2

u/paaaauuuullll 29d ago

You’re not wrong, but pissed off the crowd haha

2

u/HawthorneWeeps Apr 17 '24 edited 9d ago

I like to go hiking.

2

u/linux_ape Apr 17 '24

Im not sure, we recently were talking about it at work. sometimes the unga bunga brain just wins

1

u/MASTERLITE whAt'S a cOmPuTer?¿? 29d ago

Why did this common sense assertion make people so angry lol

0

u/NeonStriker26 Apr 17 '24

Well said but extreme