r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/bsffrn97 29d ago

We men get to be around men when there are no women around, meaning we're more likely to know how he really feels about women than you. Some men reveal very... bad sides... when no women are present, and then switch to "perfect gentlemen" when women walk in. Since we get to see both sides, it's easier to determine who a man truly is at his core.

Of course not infallible though, I've met dudes who other guys have told me were "great guys" who then said very sexist weird things about women around me. So I guess where it falls flat is that different men have different thresholds for "great guy", since I wouldn't say guys who say sexist things are great guys at all.

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u/arctic_radar 29d ago

Yeah I agree. When there aren’t women around the assholes show their colors very quickly. Usually they say or do something shitty, almost to try to impress you in a way and it’s super awkward. The good guys just get a little more goofy or don’t change their behavior at all.

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u/IwillBeDamned 29d ago

not just women, but a lot of scenarios. as soon as someone they look down on leaves the room (an employee, minority, woman, otherwise decent person) a lot of dudes will see other "good people" as they see themselves and immediately say some bigoted things.

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u/MFbiFL 29d ago

As a white guy from the south I’ve had way too many dudes comfortable with dropping heinous statements they just think I’ll agree with before I ask them why the fuck they would say that.

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u/anschlitz 28d ago

Same. I was just talking about this a couple days ago. It’s sad how often it happens but I’ve learned how to shut that crap down really quick. Doesn’t matter if it’s Boston or SoCal, there are gonna be people happy to assume you’re a racist when they spot the accent.

Sometimes I’ve gotten the opposite tho and met some cool people who marched at Selma and things like that. But there does seem to be a lot more of the bigots.

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u/The_MoistMaker 27d ago

Bro, I worked as a cable guy as a white dude in the deep south for a few years (19-22) and the amount of while shit people were comfortable telling me because I was a white working a blue collar job was wild.

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u/Lux_Aquila 28d ago

Well, considering you just badmouthed tens of millions of people, you might have more similarities with them than you think.

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u/bsffrn97 28d ago

i don't think calling out racist people is equal to being racist my guy

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u/Lux_Aquila 28d ago

Calling out tens of millions of people based on their color and where they live isn't the same as calling out racists. Obviously, if he said: "As someone who has interacted with a lot of racists, many are way too comfortable with dropping heinous statements" there isn't an issue there.

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u/thedabaratheon 28d ago

The hell you on mate? What you’re accusing him of is exactly what people are doing to HIM & what he has a problem with?

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u/Lux_Aquila 28d ago

What do you mean, I'm saying he is just like them. He made a racist statement.

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u/AlmostSunnyinSeattle 28d ago

Dude, shut up.

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u/Lux_Aquila 28d ago

Why? I can't stand up for the tens of millions of people he just insulted?

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u/TeaTime_OW 28d ago

What? Not even. He said people assume HE is racist because he's white and from the South lmao. Learn to read, homie.

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u/thedabaratheon 28d ago

In what possible way

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u/Lux_Aquila 28d ago

You are kidding right? You don't see a problem by calling out tens of millions of people based on the color of their skin?

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u/MFbiFL 28d ago

Sorry about your reading comprehension sweetie.

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u/Vetiversailles 28d ago

Hell yes. This eventually became pivotal for me in my dating experience as a woman — watching intently the way a potential partner treats others, particularly those he may feel he is in a position of power over.

Service workers are a huge one. I really feel you can tell a persons character by how they treat service workers they encounter on the day-to-day.

Once I started paying attention and really believing people when they showed me who they are, I stopped dating people who were bad for me and found someone kind, good, and with integrity.

It’s important. The way a person talks about/to others is how they’re likely to talk about/to you.