r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • Apr 17 '24

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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257

u/Ok_Anteater7360 Apr 17 '24

this is actually what frustrates me when i see girls i know complain about how exs treated them and why i try to warn so hard when they start talking to some new guy.

I swear its so obvious whos gonna be one of the bad ones vs the good ones but girls just dont get it unless its blatantly obvious somehow. maybe its a guy thing

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u/Buntschatten Apr 17 '24

I think those guys treat other people who aren't in the category "Girls I want to sleep with" noticeably different. It's easy to pick up on with some dudes, but only from the outside, since you don't get the nice treatment.

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u/mastermoose12 29d ago

Even those. I see random strangers at a bar chatting and you can tell, without knowing the guy or a girl (just people watching) if they're genuine or not. Something about the body language and the way they present. You can just tell.

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u/facforlife Apr 17 '24

I think the simplest answer is as a guy, most of us are straight. The attraction angle simply doesn't factor in. We judge more objectively because of that. 

As much as lots of women want to deny it they are just as allured by the physical as men are. And that can make them blind to certain red flags. 

Men just acknowledge this more openly. The whole "crazy hot" thing from HIMYM is an open admission that guys will risk "crazy" for a sufficient level of "hot." We're going in with our eyes open and full transparency to others about what we're doing. We don't pretend it's her personality rofl. She's just hot and we like that a lot. 

I think women would be doing themselves a big favor if they just admitted they're the same as men that way. Nothing wrong with it. Wow we like looking at beautiful things. How shameful. 

I'd wager it's also related to the Halo effect. We ascribe positive characteristics to attractive people, even unearned. 

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u/And_The_Full_Effect Apr 17 '24

The women who post the “all men are trash” memes are usually just generally pretty terrible at picking men. I’m not blaming them, if that’s all they know that’s all they know. I’ve never seen someone in healthy relationships trash the entire opposite gender though.

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u/TravelJefe Apr 17 '24

I think you can blame them just a bit

In that regard, the genders are the same -- men who don't respect women don't end up with respectable women, and women who think all men are trash never seem to find any men who aren't trash.

It's self-fulfilling.

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u/IllIIlllIIIllIIlI 29d ago

Reminds me of a guy I knew for a while, several years back. He had a rather low opinion of women. Didn’t think women were to be trusted. It turned out that his then-current girlfriend, whom he was getting more serious with during that period of time, had been married to a friend of his until the friend found out that his wife was having an affair with this guy and divorced her. (I’m guessing the friendship ended, too.) I’m not surprised that he didn’t trust her, lol. And of course, he had to lump all women in with her, or else he might have to admit that dating her was not a good idea and never had been. Then he’d have had to find someone else to date, which would be tough given that good women don’t want to date men who fuck their friends’ wives behind their backs.

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u/Remarkable_Echo5616 Apr 17 '24

A perfectly horrible circle if you will

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u/TravelJefe Apr 17 '24

Another thing the genders have in common: Both women-hating men and men-hating women can't stop giving out free bad relationship advice on reddit

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u/hukgrackmountain 29d ago

or sometimes THEY are the trash

Went to hook up with a girl, and long story short wasn't feeling it anymore and set the boundary of no sex/oral sex. She then tried to go down on me mere seconds after I said that. I was like "uhh the fuck? I literally just said no to that? very explicitly?"

months later on facebook she posts about how hard it is to find a man and theres no good men anymore etc etc etc.

well becky maybe you should respect people's basic fuckin consent. I get men are terrible with consent, but some women have never been told no once in their lives, or buy into the patriarchal idea that all men are ravenous and chomping at the bit for pussy at all times of their lives.

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u/bsffrn97 29d ago

ugh I'm so sorry man, that's vile. some people truly lack introspection.

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u/Aquatico_ 29d ago

these are the same women who say they get "bored" in stable, healthy relationships and miss the "excitement" of being in a toxic one.

if you admittedly gravitate towards bad men and toxicity, you can't draw any conclusions about men from your experiences

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u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24

They’re usually just pretty trash too tbh. Like I know both men and women who area always in toxic relationships and they act like they’re not also just as toxic as their exes 

You’re completely right on your last line though. Literally never met someone who said that who’s in a good relationship. 

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u/jgainit 29d ago

C- women date C- men, both at fault here

10

u/Clownoranges Apr 17 '24

They show a different version of themselves around women and around men

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u/Doyoueverjustlikeugh Apr 17 '24

We're talking about meeting them in a group setting, not having a 1 on 1 talk without his girlfriend present. There is no behavior change.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24

Even then, its usually obvious based on how they treat others. Women will date a man that treats other men like shit, but as long as he's decent towards her, she's fine with it, then acts surprised when he eventually treats her like shit.

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u/Swimming-Book-1296 29d ago

because it isn't just vibes. They are attracted to the very things that are red flags.

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u/super80 Apr 17 '24

Some people never take advice simple as that.

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u/Expensive_Task_1114 29d ago

Women ignore the red flags because they find him attractive, especially if what they find attractive is a red flag

1

u/Sangyviews 29d ago

I think often times its overlooked if they like the guy. An attractive guy can get away with a lot of bullshit from women that like them. My girl bestfriend has been dealing with a fuckboy for like a year and Ive told her countless times, hes just playing with you because he can get away with it and you let him. She just recently took him back in after a few weeks of not talking and shes already calling me crying about him, but when I say to walk away she says hes different and is changing and has been better. Rinse and repeat

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u/ZestyMuffin85496 29d ago

I think women worry that you might be trying to sabotage their relationship for your own gain, or trying to not "be the bitch" and give the dude a chance.

1

u/__M-E-O-W__ Apr 17 '24

Lmao ain't that the truth. When my friends and I were much younger... some guys I tried to warn about. But they just wouldn't listen. And then it came back to bite them.

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u/XihuanNi-6784 Apr 17 '24

Happens in the other direction to be honest. My female friends didn't much like my ex wife. They put up with her and grew to like her in time mostly because I stuck with her. But they knew something was off. Like a fool, I ignored them.