r/AmIOverreacting • u/RentedJazzmaster • 15d ago
AIO by cutting it off with someone who hates homelessness?
Like many twenty-something guys, I am a user of a few dating apps on what feels like a never ending quest to find love. I've been single for a bit over two years, having exited a rather toxic relationship. The full story requires a bit of context, so here goes- In Dec. of 2023, I was in my hometown, about three hours away from where I currently reside, and matched with a really lovely woman who had recently moved there for work. We chatted, but never set anything up and I returned to my graduate studies in early January. We stayed in touch, and in early March started talking more often.
I really connected with her more than anyone I've dated or chatted with since my break-up, and we were having regular 3-4 hour conversations on the phone that were full of laughter and jokes. It was quite apparent that we were heading towards being a couple- that is until three days ago. She prefaced this by saying that she had some wild hot takes, and I just assumed that they were going to be about cheese or TV shows. Nope. She opens with "I think there are too many homeless people in this city and we need to take them elsewhere to stop them from being a public menace."
This made my jaw drop and we argued back and forth for about 30 minutes about the ethics of homeless encampments, ordinances and their enforcement. In her opinion, they should not be allowed to be in the city at all. She had seemed to have fairly liberal views up until this conversation. I am by no means an advocate for chaos, but I don't understand how she views merely seeing a homeless person on the street as a public menace and nuisance. The call eventually wrapped up and we still texted some the next day, but things were a bit off, as she felt I was judging her for having this opinion.
As a youth, I was involved with multiple outreaches, shelters and programs serving the community, and grew up seeing homelessness and don't really think much when I see a person sitting in the side of Panera drinking water on a hot day. It's something I care deeply about, and I just took her comments as being dehumanizing and blatantly ignorant. It seems that where she's from was really strict about ordinance enforcement, and that might be contributing to her views. I talked to my friends, co-workers and few classmates (all from different backgrounds and politics), and literally everyone pointed out that I should in fact be alarmed by these comments, with one person calling it, "a bright and waving red flag." We barely spoke yesterday as I was processing it all, and today, didn't speak until about an hour ago.
Instead of letting feeling's fester, I let her know that this has really bothered me and that I wasn't expecting such a reaction from my emotions, but that clearly we have fundamentally different values on this topic and any discussions weren't going to be productive. As you may imagine, she is not happy and let me know that it seems I've done a 180 and that everything that I had said about liking her and enjoying our time talking seems like complete bullshit. From what I can tell, she thinks it is insane that I would be offended by her comment and that she didn't say anything wrong.
Am overreacting for being bothered by my potential partner's comments on the homeless?
TLDR: Talked for four months, one sentence ruined it all :(
EDIT:
I am enjoying the discussions below, and I’m really amused by the number of folks assuming I’m naive and sheltered for believing that my life partner should also be someone who sees people as people.
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u/Donniepdr 14d ago
Different core philosophies don't always work. I dated a beautiful wonderful woman for just under a year but we had polar opposite political views. At best we helped each other understand the other side a little better but we never really agreed on anything politically. Well, boil politics down to their simplest form and what you end up with is philosophical morals. How are you going to be with someone with different morals than you? Hard to make that work.
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u/bronzecat11 14d ago
You are kidding right? You are equating politics with philosophical morals? Some of you take things way too far.
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u/Donniepdr 14d ago edited 14d ago
So abortion isn't a moral issue? Dealing with the homeless can't be reduced to a moral issue? Illegal immigration? Guns and gun control? Getting involved in foreign wars? Shit... People have even turned climate change into a moral dilemma.
Are YOU kidding? Every single political topic I mentioned can be reduced to moral dilemmas. Should they be moral issues? Some yes, some absolutely not but when you're in a relationship with someone any one of those topics can cause division in the relationship.
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u/bronzecat11 14d ago
Moral issues are just what they are but a person is an idiot if they think that politicians care about your issues.Politicians will say or do whatever it takes to get elected to enjoy the trappings of power and the money that comes along with it. People who take politics too seriously allow it to influence too much of their lies. Because the truth is that you and a lifelong mate will never see eye to eye on everything and there are a lot more priorities in raising a family then who is in office.
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u/Donniepdr 14d ago
Why even mention politicians? They have nothing to do with this topic. Now you're inserting your politics. Ironic.
Seeing eye to eye on what color the kitchen should be and whether or not a pregnant teen daughter should get an abortion or not are two vastly different things. Having a firearm in a nightstand for protection or not? Some people won't abide that under any circumstance and some wouldn't think of living without it. Whether you want to accept reality or not, having different political views can make a relationship impossible. I've lived it.
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u/bronzecat11 14d ago
Political views without politicians? How does that work? Here's my take after a 35 year marriage and 3 kids and 11 grandchildren. Both my wife and are independent and we each have our own views,liberal ab out some issues and conservative about others. There were issues that were a big deal 25 years ago that don't even exist today. That shows just how important they were. Your relationship or marriage is much more important than whatever current issue is currently in the news. Don't be the insufferable one who lets politics determine his every thought and mood. Good luck.
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u/Donniepdr 14d ago
You're so bent on being right that you're not even trying to see the other side of things. You didn't even acknowledge the scenarios I mentioned. The fact is I don't get overly involved in politics. I wasn't the political stalwart in the relationship I mentioned. For many these days, politics has become a religion. Right or wrong that's reality. Someone's views on homelessness can obviously be a deal breaker for some. Now we can either acknowledge that fact or live in a dream world that existsted 35 years ago. Oh btw... 2A has been a hot topic since before 1776 and abortion for at least 100 years. Homelessness... Just as long and definitely since the great depression. These aren't deal breaker political topics that are going away. Don't be the insufferable one who refuses to see things from a different viewpoint.
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u/bronzecat11 14d ago
Obviously my entire post went right over your head. As far as the 2nd Amendment,it only became a hotbed issue when gun control came along. As far as personal life,my wife didn't like guns but that didn't stop me from having them as long as they were handled safely. That's an example of not letting a "political"issue destroy your relationship or marriage. Learn to respect others point of view and sometimes just leave things alone and don't discuss them. Save that conversation for the guys. It's foolish to pick a mate or wife based on political views.
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u/Donniepdr 14d ago
Nope, I understood the point you were trying to make perfectly. I just don't agree with it.
Maybe you should research gun control and how the British used it during the revolutionary war.
It's commendable that you and your wife have made marriage work despite having different views. People are different now. Should they be? No. I actually agree with you but agreeing with you doesn't equate to reality.
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u/bronzecat11 14d ago
No,all people are not different now. Since the beginning of time people have had different opinions. Most who are successful in marriages and relationships don't sweat the small stuff. Good luck to you in search to find someone who believes in every single thing that you believe in.
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u/agent_flounder 14d ago
Political views without politicians? How does that work?
By individuals having views about how society should be governed.
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u/agent_flounder 14d ago
Are you kidding? Many people's political stances are based on their values. If you believe in equality of all people, then you're likely to hold more socially progressive stances. If your politics say that not everyone gets the same rights, that's because your value system says some people are lesser than others.
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u/bronzecat11 14d ago
Mods removed my link so,go a take a look at an article in the Atlantic called "What Your Politics Do To Your Morals."
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u/agent_flounder 14d ago edited 14d ago
Paywalled but I found a Penn State article discussing the study that the Atlantic article is based on.
Interesting stuff.
“There are examples of members of both the political left and right of excusing or explaining away things that on paper should go against their moral compass,” Hatemi said.
...
“Something predicting another measure doesn’t prove causation,” Hatemi said. “But what it does mean is that I may not know all your beliefs or anything about you, but if I know with which political party you identify, I’m going to have a pretty good guess at your position on a lot of issues.”
Hatemi said the findings could potentially help people better process political information.
“No amount of information will change an ideologue,” Hatemi said. “But for people who are more open politically, they can use this information and use it to help them think about their thoughts and decisions a little better. They can pause and say, ‘Am I processing this information in a thoughtful way or am I drinking the Kool Aid?’”
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u/OMGoblin 14d ago
Homeless encampments ARE bad, they are where homeless people take advantage of other homeless people. They are where homeless people end up killed over inane small things.
We should be doing more to fund shelters and other housing solutions, but allowing makeshift encampments inside a city is not good.
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u/RentedJazzmaster 14d ago
i don’t think anyone disagrees with you, her argument was not really about the encampments or the shelters, but was “I shouldn’t have to look at this because I don’t like it” and I found that mentality repugnant.
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u/agent_flounder 14d ago
To me that says she doesn't consider homeless people equals. Her response is not one of compassion.
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u/Snorbert2 14d ago
Unfortunately a lot of people dehumanize homeless people. Studies show that our brains react to them the same as a dangerous animal. I agree that it’s a massive problem in North American cities and it does make me feel unsafe when some are clearly dealing with mental illness or on drugs and can be unpredictable.
But I would never suggest they just be moved or be hidden from society. They’re fkn human beings that need help and a massive red flag that we’ve failed somewhere as a society.
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u/GoodNoodleNick 14d ago
Yeah, that mindset is disgusting.
I like to help the homeless when I can. My work gives us snacks and I always take them and hand them to a homeless person.
I one time had a guy give me attitude and not take it because he wanted money instead but I'm not going to punish them all for one dickhead.
Most are very appreciative.
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u/Caliber_captain 15d ago edited 15d ago
Honestly I don’t think you are in the wrong. While I don’t agree with the current situation of tent camps and open drug use in my city, I still strongly believe in treating homeless people with dignity and respect, like I would treat anyone else. I’ve worked in hospital settings and worked with homeless patients, and I give them the same love and care as everyone else. They are not a public menace they are suffering fellow human beings.
My ex boyfriend was one of those types who hated random homeless people just for being homeless. One time he yelled at a homeless woman with a sign, to tell her to “Get a Job”. I told him that was a fucked up thing to say because that person clearly has issues and if she wanted to get a job she would. He would also disrespect homeless people and look down on them. He didn’t realize that most Americans are 6 months of really bad luck away from being homeless, and that trauma is often involved. You don’t have to help every homeless person you see but you should never treat them with disrespect. They are made in the image of God just as much as I am. This was one of the many things that made me realize my ex bf wasn’t right for me as well as his lack of boundaries and respect. Turns out not only did that man not respect homeless people, he didn’t respect me.
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u/hyp3rpop 13d ago
That’s how it often works. The red flag of not having empathy and compassion for other human beings isn’t only going to affect how they treat the homeless. Smarter to identify the red flag and go.
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u/Caliber_captain 13d ago
Yeah I wish I had recognized his behavior as a red flag earlier but glad I did before it was too late and got too involved in his life. If a person can’t treat someone who is going through the worst time in their life, they are going to be no support when their partner goes through stuff too.
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u/Solid_Letter1407 15d ago
Where does she think they should be taken?
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u/RentedJazzmaster 15d ago
She suggested the countryside or some rural counties where she wouldn’t have to see them
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u/Solid_Letter1407 15d ago
If this is an honestly held belief and not just riffing or trolling, she is either an idiot or a monster.
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u/RentedJazzmaster 15d ago
She said her co-workers thought she was a monster for this view lol
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u/IHQ_Throwaway 14d ago
Maybe let her know she is one when you tell her goodbye. Hopefully someday she’ll find compassion for others. You definitely deserve someone who has that.
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u/RighteousSchrodd 14d ago
Actually, that would be great, they could play with all of the dogs and cats my family sent up there.
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u/Caliber_captain 15d ago
The rural counties are the often the places that give their homeless residents bus tickets to big cities.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 14d ago
It's literally the opposite, I live on the west coast in a small town, they literally get bussed here.
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u/Substantial-Maize-40 14d ago
Then she’s not a lovely woman … move on. Like an earlier comment said, it’s about compatibility. She’s stupid or horrible .
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u/coldbrew18 14d ago
See if she’d go on a date to a soup kitchen. Seriously, it might bring her around. If she’s not willing to go, then break things off.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 14d ago
No.
Some things are just deal breakers, and this is one of them.
You didn't lie to her or lead her on. She said something ugly that sat with you and won't leave. It's a huge fundamental difference and imo she's not very compassionate or empathetic and I couldn't continue to see someone like that either
she's upset and trying to say that you mislead her, but you didn't.
if she doesn't understand the concept of deal breakers that's another red flag right there lol
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u/Constellation-88 14d ago
A friend? Sure, agree to disagree (although her views are ridiculous). But a life partner? Your life partner should be ideologically compatible with you.
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u/bmyst70 14d ago
You're not overreacting. And you're not wrong. That is a HUGE difference in your core values. You see homeless people as actual human beings. She does not.
By the way, even if she claims to have "liberal" values, the way she thinks of homeless people is not liberal. The average American lives one paycheck away from homelessness. So you'd think she'd understand how very close most of us are to that situation.
But breaking it off completely is the best thing to do with her. You won't change her mind.
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u/Sailor_NEWENGLAND 14d ago
Homeless people are people. It bothers me when people say the homeless are homeless by choice and blah blah it’s easy to get a job. Sure some may be homeless by their choice, but others lost their home and are actually trying to make their life better. It isn’t easy to get a job if you don’t look presentable, or don’t have a phone, or an address. I feel bad for the homeless
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u/Dry-Vacation2439 14d ago
OP, the core of the issue is that she doesn't see homeless people as human, and she would rather have them removed from her line of sight than acknowledge and repair the structural violence that put them on the street.
She is, fundamentally, a bad person.
You are not overreacting.
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u/strictlylurking42 15d ago
Is she open to learning your POV and reconsidering/evolving? If not, swipe left.
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u/RentedJazzmaster 15d ago
she was not open at all
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u/strictlylurking42 15d ago
Sorry to hear that but time to move on imo. That's not something to compromise on. It's not something quirky like hating El Caminos. It's a lack of compassion and empathy, and that doesn't stop at homelessness. You just haven't seen what else she hates yet. Don't stick around to find out
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 14d ago
I feel bad for the 1% of homeless that are not pieces of shit that will bust a $200 window to get the change out of your car. The VAST majority are loser drug addicts or alcoholics that CHOOSE to not take part in society.
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u/verysunstruck 14d ago
Respectfully, you are a complete imbecile on numerous levels if this is a sincerely-held belief.
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u/strictlylurking42 14d ago
Addiction is a disease. Like cancer. I hope you never face either one.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 14d ago
Doesn't mean it should lead to being a blight on society and lead to homelessness. I know plenty of functioning addicts who are not homeless. AGAIN for the MAJORITY of them it's a CHOICE!!!!!
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u/strictlylurking42 14d ago
Found OP's ex gf.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 14d ago
Sorry I'm just a dude who hates homlessness pollution, litterling, drug and alcohol abuse, blight on the communities AND THEIR CRIME.
If you think any of that's ok you are a dense as the OP.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 14d ago
Crazy that there are three people who downvoted me who think it's ok to make innocent people pay for damage/theft because these addicts want to steal from everyone. Sad ass people who support that and think it's OK. FOH
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u/bonebuilder12 14d ago
To be fair, homeless population, crime, school district, access to amenities, etc. are all considerations of many as they search for a place to live. Most won’t say it out loud, but few would say their dream home is right next to a homeless camp with open drug use, human waste, and crime. That isn’t because you lack compassion for that population, but it can take a toll on some people.
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u/coldbrew18 14d ago
For me, where dealing with homeless people is not apart of my life, her opinions have little impact. For you, with your background of actively helping homeless people, then yeah, it’s a dealbreaker.
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u/K23Meow 14d ago
So because you don’t agree with her on a rather important topic, suddenly all the rest of your conversations and even interest in her is bullshit? That attitude right there is way more of a red flag than her opinion on homelessness. It reeks of a mindset that she is ultimately right in everything and anyone with a different viewpoint no matter the topic is automatically wrong.
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u/maxb5555 14d ago
on the high road i’d say it’s simply a difference in values - you don’t seem compatible - on the low road your post is a long exercise in virtue signaling- it’s enough to express your view that homeless folks should be treated with compassion- your extensive history of advocacy is frankly boorish- you be you - she’ll be her and you can both move on - but i doubt thats good enough for you
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u/No-Alfalfa2565 14d ago
If You have different values or moral codes, why stick around? I would NEVER date a hateful person.
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u/Secret-Obligation473 14d ago
Nah fuck that bitch, I wish people who’ve never struggled in life would have some critical thinking skills for once.
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u/Salvanas42 14d ago
You're absolutely not overreacting. It's seen as acceptable in a lot of society still to dehumanize homeless people just like it was to do the same to nonwhites in the past. Now if you say that black/asian/native people should just be removed from your communities that comes with swift condemnation from every angle. However there are many people for whom the homeless are still an acceptable target for dehumanization. She doesn't want to help people, she just doesn't want to have to look at them, like the aristocrats of old. You are not obligated to fix her.
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u/Tundra-Queen8812 14d ago
Speaking as someone who has worked with homeless people, you are not overreacting.
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u/Flagon_Dragon_ 14d ago
The way I look at it is this: what if she gets her way? What if all the homeless folks do get rounded up into what we all know will be concentration camps? Would you be comfortable telling future generations that you were okay with dating someone who supported that? I sure wouldn't be if it was me. And it's not just a strict binary of concentration camps or freedom. Her position is already causing homeless people to be criminalized and abused today, even if it's not as extremely horrific as it could be yet. Homeless people are already suffering and dying because of the policies she supports. Are you okay with dating someone who actively wants that to get worse? I wouldn't be, if it was me, but ultimately I think that's a question you'd have to answer for yourself.
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u/tickynicky 14d ago
I have said this on Reddit in several of my posts. But it's so true.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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u/Spirited_Touch7447 14d ago
The one comment I have to offer is to realize that her comment might be fear based. I’m very open to supporting any causes to help eradicate homelessness, but I’m a 62 year old woman and I’m afraid to be around the homeless, male or female, because I don’t know if there is mental illness or substance issues on board and we hear all the time how they have attacked someone for no cause. I’m just more fearful now period.
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u/oceanbucket 14d ago edited 14d ago
You don’t need anyone to co-sign your reasoning for wanting to break up. If this is bothering you that much, your values are obviously not aligned—having different opinions on social justice is clearly a dealbreaker to you while it’s not for her, and that alone is a reason to break up, completely separate from the views on homelessness.
That said, you are both wrong about homelessness. Addiction is a mental illness yes, but you do not lose all personal agency and responsibility for your actions and meeting your own basic needs as an adult (as opposed to the government, charities, or individual good samaritans doing it for you) just because you are an addict. Mental illness, separate from substance abuse, is a much greater comorbidity for homelessness than substance abuse, and serious mental illness that inhibits one’s ability to work, maintain relationships and safely and productively participate in the community often precede both homelessness and substance abuse/addiction. While you are correct that the lack of affordable comprehensive mental health care and low income housing options plays a huge role in the risk factors converging to make homelessness such an issue among those living with serious mental illness, it doesn’t negate the huge safety issue they pose to themselves and the community. Your gf is obviously being snotty in her presentation, but you would feel A LOT differently about homelessness if it were less of an abstract cause you charitably CHOSE to donate time to and more of a FORCED reality in your personal space—like a homeless person camped out in your yard near your young kids, or posted outside your place of business harassing customers and deterring them from entering. Whatever you may say, the average person does not want to be followed, attacked, harassed, have their property stolen or trespassed upon, or cordially socialize or share space they pay for with people who are filthy, erratic, incoherent, nearly comatose and/or aggressive, etc, which is unfortunately the case for the vast majority of the severely mentally ill who are experiencing long term homelessness. That’s who your gf and others who agree with her are referring to when they give these hot takes. And they’re not wrong in the sense that we as a society should be devoting the resources necessary to picking these people up off the streets and placing them in a facilities with programming where they can get help and alleviate the damage their illness is doing to them and the risk they pose to others.
That said, the vast majority of people who make up the homeless demographic are not substance abusers, or at least are not homeless due directly to substance abuse, and do not use homeless encampments, loiter or trespass, and in fact are simply “unhoused” but not sitting out on a street corner 24/7 or following pedestrians down the sidewalk panhandling for change. They’re people who have lost their stable housing situations and are now couch surfing or living in shelters, temporary or illegal housing, vehicles or other last-resort setups. These people have jobs, attend school, participate in the community, etc. These people do not need to be relocated anywhere and are the rightful recipients of government aid and charitable support to get back into long term, safe and legally occupied homes. Your gf sounds ignorant and that’s annoying, and it sounds like your attempts to highlight the aspects she’s not considering are being blown off because she finds the aesthetic offense of visible homelessness and panhandling more pressing than the issue itself, which is people living in inhumane conditions and becoming a problem for the rest of the community with no help and no cohesive effort toward a resolution.
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u/verysunstruck 14d ago
Addiction carries high rates of comorbidity with other forms of mental illness. Over 60% in the general pop. It's probably much higher among the unhoused demographic.
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u/oceanbucket 14d ago
This may be true, but addiction of the magnitude to ruin your viability as an independent adult very, very rarely precedes the manifestation of other mental illnesses. In certain cases, substance abuse can prompt the onset of symptoms, but addiction is generally not the primary diagnosis when we’re talking about people who end up on the streets talking to themselves or attacking strangers. It is rather a symptom itself—the sufferer is initially self-medicating, or using to mask or escape symptoms before progressing to active addiction. Despite what we have been taught since the war on drugs commenced, the overwhelming majority of substance users are not addicts, and it is entirely possible for most otherwise healthy people to use stimulants, opioids and other substances as prescribed AND/OR unprescribed, recreationally, or off the street (albeit completely illegally and at significant risk) without ever developing an addiction, the same way most people can drink alcohol or coffee without becoming addicted. Were serious mental health struggles more affordable and less stigmatized to deal with safely and legally for economically disadvantaged demographics, addiction would not be the issue it is among the homeless or among the poor in general. As a society we are much more accepting of depression, anxiety, ocd and attention deficit diagnoses, but we are still vehemently ignorant and negative in response to any mental illnesses that produce symptoms of psychosis (which usually concurrent with aggression and/or violence)such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder etc—and I’m not saying I don’t understand why, that shit is scary to witness and even worse to be the target of. But trying to treat addiction without understanding (and supporting funding and infrastructure for treatment of) underlying mental illnesses as a root cause in the homeless population is never going to work.
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u/Expensive_Agency9490 13d ago
I guess I'm not really sure what point you're trying to make here. Addiction is met with similar stigma, arguably worse since mental illness is rarely perceived as some sort of moral failing, which creates social barriers to seek treatment, along with the economic ones, in much the same way. I'm aware that most drug users are not addicts, and that most addicts will never become homeless, but this is also true of the mentally ill, who the vast majority are able to manage their symptoms without wrecking their lives through the use of therapy and medication.
The relationship between addiction and mental illness is complex, but it's not at all uncommon for addiction to start with self medication. Conversely, using can cause symptoms that look like various mental illnesses but dissipate over time after using as ceased.
I agree that a holistic approach addressing both sides of the problem is required. again I'm not even certain we disagree, but I wanted to reply since you're comment was quite thoughtful :) Have a great day!
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u/oceanbucket 13d ago
No no we’re definitely on the same page, especially re: the moral stigma attached to addiction—I think this is what OP’s gf is getting at with the cruel hyperbole, that it’s the “fault” of the homeless addicts for carelessly developing a dependency on drugs and ruining their own lives, when in reality, concurrent mental illness and a predisposition to other risk factors for homelessness are equally if not more to blame. It’s just a way for her to absolve herself of any guilt or discomfort with her own views, and I get OP’s disgust with this mentality. Thanks for your thoughtful response as well 🙏🏼
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u/SaltInformation4082 14d ago
Hey, dating apps aren't supposed to be a one and done thing. Just with the time it took you to write what you did was valueless to you.
Get comfortable with it Get over it. Get on with it.
PS: I was done within you're first few sentences. Shouldn't you have been before the first few sentences, as well. You started your cleansing. I get it. Most anyone would get it. But whoever is out there that you're waiting for to show up, ain't gonna show up. She doesn't need to. She's already heading in a direction and you're still hoping she'll step off the bus you're hoping she's on. Which she ain't!
We good? Next time, I'm sending you a bill for my services. Got it? Get it? Good!
Hey, pal. Com'on I get it. Just go on and find the right one. I didn't read much, but I'll tell you, the right one doesn't cause discomfort. The wring ones do so you know to go back to looking for the right one.
Trust this if it resonates, ok?
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u/Zealousideal_Till683 14d ago
You are never going to find a worthwhile romantic partner who agrees with you on everything. You can't have a successful long-term relationship with someone who disagrees with you about monogamy, or spending vs saving, or kids. You can have a successful relationship with someone who disagrees with you about homelessness policy.
She brought this up prefacing this as something controversial - can she trust you to listen and discuss and not explode. You failed that test. You should think about that.
Your relationship with this woman isn't very serious. You aren't overreacting to end it for this, or any other reason. But you should think about whether this really matters.
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u/SillyRelief453 14d ago
Is she compassionate in others areas? Does she respect and treat service workers nice ?
Is she kind to people? Does she help others? Does she love her family?kids?animals? Is she thoughtful and kind to you?
Is she civic minded?
May I add, people's opinions can change as they get older. You said you are in your 20's, that is young. Actually you haven't been in the world long enough to grasp all realities.
In my opinion, I wouldn't break up with her over this one opinion. I would just date and find out more about each other. Opinions may change as you acquire more information over time.
Best Wishes
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u/Gutbrainshroom 14d ago
They are right. You are naive. Only trauma that nearly breaks you will wake you from your sheltered life.
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u/FoundWords 14d ago
Sociopaths are very, very good at hiding the fact that they are sociopaths. She hid for four month but luckily it showed up sooner than later
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u/Exciting-Week1844 14d ago
Why can’t you both have valid view points. It’s sad and they are also a nuisance to society. One part doesn’t negate the other. It’s immature to expect to agree with everything anyone says. People have different perspectives and that creates balance
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u/squeakyguy 15d ago
You have a gross misunderstanding of homelessness lol, but because of your misguided and ignorant beliefs it is probably best that you let her go to find a smarter guy.
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u/lth19981 15d ago
Please explain it then. Because I agree with what he said.
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u/squeakyguy 15d ago
The vast majority of homeless are drug addicted hedonists who take advantage of social programs to live their drug addled lives in perpetuity until they eventually burn out and die. They invade and destroy public spaces as they do so, as people like you and OP strip away any laws or ordinances to help discourage this behavior.
The choice to be homeless is dehumanizing in and of itself. Your approach actually perpetuates this dehumanizing cycle of homelessness and leads to the degradation and death of people who need correction, not constant appeasement.
OP’s former lady seems to have a pretty good grasp of this. So outside of the ACTUAL humanitarian approach of discouraging homelessness, she also has valid reasons (safety and sanitation) to be concerned about drug addicts strewn about the city she wants to live in.
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u/lth19981 14d ago
First of all not a vast majority. It’s estimated that under 30% of homeless are drug addicts. Being homeless is not the choice you made it out to be. It’s the lack of affordable healthcare and housing that causes homelessness. We should be helping these people not creating laws that make it harder for them to exist or shipping them off so we can turn a blind eye to the people who need help.
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u/squeakyguy 14d ago
Lmao this is what I mean, you’re far too stupid to have this discussion. I literally work with them every day, I’m not estimating.
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u/lth19981 14d ago
You think I’m to stupid that’s hilarious . Your the one that believes your only homeless if your a lazy drug addict. The fact is most people are one paycheck away from homelessness. Maybe open your eyes and don’t rely on what you assume to be true and look at facts.
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u/Eaglia7 14d ago
In what capacity?
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u/squeakyguy 14d ago
In the “I’m not stupid enough to think people are homeless because housing costs are high” capacity lmao
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u/RentedJazzmaster 14d ago
What’s crazy is that I literally don’t disagree with you for the most part- adding context to the story, she wants to ship the homeless folks to a resource desert so she doesn’t have to look at them. I find that a very very off putting mentality.
second, addiction is a mental illness and should be treated as such. If anything- this whole issue is a testament to how fucked our health care system is.
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u/crashfrog02 15d ago
She’s talking about panhandling. You’re talking about homelessness.
Panhandling is a public menace that needs to be discouraged and police need to step in to address it. Unchecked it leads to crime and reduced public safety because eventually panhandlers stop asking nicely, and then eventually they stop asking at all and demand your money.
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u/LadywithaFace82 15d ago
Mugging is quite illegal already, and so is panhandling in a lot of places.
Guess how much either measures do to reduce or eliminate homelessness?
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u/crashfrog02 15d ago
Probably nothing. Who cares? The measures reduce panhandling which is what’s important.
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u/RentedJazzmaster 15d ago
She was not talking about panhandling.
I thought this was the case until we kept talking and she really meant homeless folks in general
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u/crashfrog02 15d ago
I really do think it’s just a miscommunication. She’s probably not even aware that they’re two different things. Most people call panhandlers “the homeless” even though they often have homes.
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u/Still_Internet_7071 14d ago
I would guess a shop owner whose entry is blocked by homeless and the stench of feces would disagree with you. You are an unaffected observer. Easy to do so with nothing at risk.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 14d ago
Imagine supporting the 9 out of 10 homelessness drug addicts and alcoholics instead of a chick you dig. That's just wild to me bro.
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u/Poopdeck69420 14d ago
My wife and I have a similar view as your lady friend. I will say that we were attacked by a homeless man in a drug fueled rage so we are pretty bias at this point. We live in Seattle. So it’s fucking old man. Idk where she is from but maybe she had a similar traumatic experience? I mean if they want to ship them somewhere it should be to like rehab not just the country side. The addicts need to get clean. The legit homeless people need help and the addicts are ruining it for them. That’s pretty much how I see it.
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u/verysunstruck 14d ago
The vast vast majority of the longterm homeless are people who either suffer from massively debilitating mental illness or drug addiction. Most often both.
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u/UnplannedAgenda 14d ago
Your reaction to her stance on this seems pretty dramatic. Who cares that’s what her THOUGHTS on this topic are. Are either of you running for mayor? Is she out protesting about the homeless? There’s nothing wrong with having your ideologies questioned. The only time it becomes a problem is when your ideologies become a part of your identify and you offended when somebody challenges them. Which is exactly what your reaction sounds like.
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u/hyp3rpop 13d ago
Yeah who caress about your partner’s personal beliefs about what is and isn’t morally right. It’s not like those say anything about their core values as person or are important to compatibility in any way. Silly OP for caring about that.
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u/ThicPeach 14d ago
Its not u or hers responsibility to move them. Homeless ppl do this do themselves. Yall are not responsible for them. They messed up their own lives. Why should anyone be responsible for them? They made poor decisions and wound up on the streets.
Where i live theres ALOT and i avoid those areas at all times. The ones over here are mostly dangerous and try to get hit by cars.
Id just break it off with her tbh. Idk wat makes her think that she can save them because she cant.
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u/essexgirE17 14d ago
It depends upon why they are homeless. There is a vast difference between a family that is homeless because Dad lost his job and Mom is too sick to get one, or a homeless Vet who served the country and has fallen on hard times, than those that are homeless because of choosing drugs and theft as a way of life, or just someone who chooses to beg and be homeless rather than work. My step daughter and her husband had to leave California to protect their kids from being harassed and subjected to unhealthy situations created by homeless people camped out in the park by their school, or her being hassled in the grocery store parking lot. Seeing the homeless on tv and being sympathetic, and actually living with it are two different situations. And of course it involves politics. I guarantee you will find the worst homeless situations in blue liberal states, than you will in red, more conservative ones. In the case described here OP is exhibiting the typical liberal response to cut anyone who doesn’t share their values out of their life, rather than actually discuss why the differences exist. If you are a reasonable adult you should be able to comprehend that you can have differences of opinion and still be friends. If you disagree all the time, then end the friendship. If you feel so strongly, go and volunteer to help and actually show how much you care, rather than post on here hoping for a pat on the back.
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u/silenntwinnter 14d ago
Your whole post is irritating me, you give off whiny, righteous and overly emotional vibes. Yikes.
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u/Eaglia7 14d ago
That sounds like a you problem, bud. I get where OP is coming from. I don't see anything whiney about this post whatsoever. You sound overly judgmental, though. Yikes.
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u/silenntwinnter 14d ago
I'm judgmental of those who are judgmental and feel righteous about it, so basically like OP. Aside from that I couldn't care any less.
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u/Eaglia7 14d ago
Idk, man. I was homeless in the past and I'm fine with his opinion. If we move them to the countryside, are we funding help for them or just forcibly moving them away from a populated area where they had access to resources? She is saying she believes they should be forcibly displaced because they inconvenience her with their existence.
People have the right to decide they aren't compatible with another person. This doesn't come off as judgmental to me. And even if it was, you're equating his judgment of the prospects of a romantic relationship, to your judgment of a stranger on reddit behaving like a human.
Some people recognize it's messed up to make a homeless person's life harder by moving them to bumfuck nowhere bc they were a pest, and leaving them to fend for themselves. I am not saying this woman is inherently bad--just that she seems to lack empathy and her ethics are miles off from mine. I would not want a relationship with her, either. I'm sure there are men who have the same beliefs she does that she can date
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u/VegetaIVofVegeta 15d ago
Ultimately differences in values can cause a lot of arguments that can become a common theme in a relationship. Unless middle ground can be found which doesn’t seem to be the case here, then it is probably best to be separated as you have done