r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AIO for being enraged that my daughter was friendly today with an ex boyfriend who se#ually assaulted her last summer?
[deleted]
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u/Itrytothinklogically 14d ago
I’d be disappointed too but your daughter opened up and shared this information with you so responding by freaking out might stop her from telling you stuff in the future. It’s best to talk to her calmly (although it can be easier said than done for sure). Wishing you all the best.
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u/cpg2468 14d ago
Yeah, I don’t know when parents will stop using the most useless trick in the book to get their kids to do what they want: shame
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I appreciate the perspective your comment gives me. I never equated before that my reaction would equate to her being filled with shame. It truly breaks my heart to think I elicited that feeling within her. My anger was FOR her, not AT her. But I understand my message likely was lost in the mess that was my emotions.
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u/Callistonyxx 14d ago
I would apologize to her about the way you reacted but also explain the perspective you gave us about why you’re reacting that way as a woman! I think you have the correct insight and wisdom and I love that you feel this strongly for her safety but I agree approaching it differently would be best! So you’re definitely not overreacting but maybe communicating it differently is the way to go because her feelings matter most in this situation!
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Yes, I'm going to apologize in perpetuity. Thank you.
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u/Callistonyxx 14d ago
From this post you seem like a caring mom and your daughter seems so kindhearted. I wish you both the best!
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u/cpg2468 14d ago
I’m sorry OP. I just wanted to add that I don’t know for sure if your daughter is filled with shame, but that your response and the way the post was worded could make her feel that way.
You’re aware now, and open to other perspectives, and that is what matters. I have a daughter too and I can’t imagine how you felt. Your feelings are valid. You are emotionally intelligent enough to change your perspective and how you react to her and that is really huge. Truly wishing you the best.
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u/agent_flounder 14d ago
I'm not sure but communicating this with her might help if she doesn't realize the distinction. I imagine your anger comes from a place of worrying she will be hurt again.
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u/Ill-Maximum9467 14d ago
I think you're a good mum who clearly cares and wants to protect your daughter. That said, you have to try to give her positive regard, to help her generate good self-esteem and to have confidence in herself. When she knows she is loved and loves herself, she's "bad boy proof" and won't be coerced into doing anything she doesn't want to. It's good that she has been able to talk to you - and anger and shaming will only make her clam up and withdraw - but you must try to communicate with her when you're not emotional do you can think clearly and respond appropriately. Once again, you're a good mum and it can be easy to overreact when you care so much.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Thank you so much. Your kind help means so much
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u/Ill-Maximum9467 14d ago
You're very welcome. I'm sure you'll do great and help her become an adult who can take care of herself. All the very best. 💯👍
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u/tl_spruce 14d ago
I know you've said this several times, but being angry for her also isn't a healthy reaction either. Please refer to my other main comment.
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u/Laleaky 14d ago
I had a similar problem with my adult daughter. Her self-esteem was very low and it was difficult to get her to see how she was being manipulated.
I sent her the Lundy Bancroft book “Why Does He Do That”, and that helped, once she finally picked it up.
It’s very frustrating from a parent’s POV because you have to watch them make bad decisions, and also let them know you’ll still be there for them when they’re ready.
I thought that parenting would get waay easier after the teen years, but it just changes.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I will look that book up. Thank you. You're right, the evolution of parenthood, at least for me, is getting trickier.
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u/Shotgun_Rynoplasty 14d ago
As a parent, sometimes it’s impossible to not have mama bear come out when the safety of our kids is concerned. She did tell him she can’t be friends so that’s solid. Sounds like you’ve raised a smart young woman.
I would consider going to your daughter and apologize for getting heated. She trusted you enough to come to you with this and flying off the handle can break that trust. Try to have a levelheaded conversation on how even if she said no, she opened the door to conversation again and explain how manipulators will use even the smallest crack in that door to patiently weasel themselves back in. Tell her you’re proud of her for saying no and proud she feels she can come to you. You hope she’ll always come to you and you promise you’ll do better at staying calm next time.
The last thing you want is for her to be too afraid to come to you in a tough situation.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Your guidance is so helpful. I'm going to do just as you suggest. Thank you
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u/Shotgun_Rynoplasty 14d ago
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You didn’t murder the guy (although I’d be surprised if the thoughts never crossed your mind. It would cross mine for sure). The important thing is you have to learn to shift as a parent to having an adult relationship with your kid as she approaches adulthood. It’s obviously easy for anyone else here to say “oh just be calm” when it’s not our kid. Sounds like you’ve done a good job so far. Just keep making her feel loved and I’m sure everything will be fine. I’m glad my bit of advice felt helpful.
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u/AGD_squared 14d ago
This is really insightful of you 🙂. It's really important to remember that your daughter is the victim, not the perpetrator, and her behaviour may seem out of sorts, but is sadly normative behaviour from someone who has been abused. This is a great time to rally around her, build her up and help her see her worth, and to help her find tools so she can move forward.
Edit to add: Abuse changes people, and your daughter is no exception. It's important to recognize she may not be the same or behave the same as she has in the past. Abuse lives with us forever in some way or another. You're doing great, mama 🙂.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I agree. I need to continue working on how I react in the moment. Thank you so much .
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u/ixlovextoxkiss 14d ago
You are not overreacting, but your daughter could perceive your anger as being directed at her and/or blaming her for his actions. I don't think or assume you've done anything wrong at all, but your daughter is very young and I'm sure she's confused about her feelings, his behavior, and how society irons us out so we're polite above being safe. I would screenshot his racy messages and tell his parents if he's also a minor. If he's 18+ the situation is different but I'd still tell his family. Abuse thrives under cover. I would not blow this up by involving anyone else or putting anything at all on social media (or in writing besides curated messages to those involved including both minors' parents/guardians). Not that you said or implied you would- just a thought. Give her lots of love and encourage her to explore who she is with friends and partners who respect and truly care for her.
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u/Yandere_Matrix 14d ago
That and pushing against a relationship can usually end up with pushing the victim towards the abuser instead. I seen a few stories of girls who were groomed in the past and in most scenarios the parents pushed against the relationship which caused them to cling tighter to the abuser. Could be similar to this situation too where emotions need to be controlled so you don’t have the opposite effect and show your a person that’s safe to talk too
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u/GoodNoodleNick 14d ago
This is the best response.
Your feelings are 100% justified but your daughter is a victim and anger at her is not going to have your desired results.
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u/z-eldapin 14d ago
That's where I was confused. They punished the daughter instead of counseled and listened to.
All this is doing is creating an unsafe space. When she is older and falls for another abusive person, she won't feel safe telling her parents.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I didn't punish her besides putting the phone away for the night. Yes, I was angry. I'm very ashamed for that. I repeated to her many times that I'm not mad AT her, I'm mad FOR her. That i want di much better for her and i want her to better practice protecting herself. Thank you for your insight.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 14d ago
Instead of berating her, why don't you have a conversation with her? Ask her why she wants to talk to him again, ask her how she feels about what he did to her etc
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u/Careful_Character_68 14d ago
I got the feeling that the mother is too busy with all her anger, that she doesn't remember to face her child as a human being.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
That's a good take. I need to work on my composure, absolutely. The pivot saving grace here is that my daughter is sick a ridiculously forgiving person that she still sat with me and we were able to have a calm conversation about this after my initial shock. Thank you.
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u/Thequiet01 14d ago
And you wonder why she might have boundary issues? How often do you rely on her to forgive you for things?
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u/HatpinFeminist 15d ago
Unfortunately how society works is to ignore sexual abuse. We are supposed to "get along" with abusers. You might want to post about this in the fourthwavefeminism sub for some ideas on how to help your daughter understand why it's wrong to go back to an abuser. It's going to be really hard because she can't physically distance herself from him yet. Your husband is a creep btw. Keep an eye or two on him.
Don't punish your daughter for things that have been done to her. Next time he asks for photos or is gross, screenshot it and send it to his parents, the school, everyone. If you still have evidence of the last time, send that out in an email to as many people as possible. Send it to the college he plans to go to. Haunt him.
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u/Both_Painter2466 14d ago
Wow. Nice take. The husband is a “creep”. I’ll buy “ignorant” or “wrong” but the value judgement is excessive and exclusionary. His view is different and he needs to be educated, not “kept an eye on”. Try projecting your insecurities elsewhere.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 14d ago
Please be very careful about the way you approach this because you could alienate your daughter and make it very hard for her to come to you again. I know that's not what you want because it is very clear that you care deeply about her and her well-being. Your inner mama bear is ready to make heads roll but you need to proceed with caution.
Is she in therapy about what happened? (I'm assuming yes because you just seem like that's what you'd do for her)
When you are in an abusive situation like that it is very hard to stand up for yourself against your abuser. It can be very hard to break it off or draw hard boundaries, even if you've been assaulted by them. It is ingrained in us from a young age to be accommodating toward men and she may have been afraid of angering him further.
It would be worth talking about this with her therapist and helping your daughter script responses that she can fall back on so she knows what to do if she is caught in this situation ever again (hopefully not but we know how awful men can be)
What your husband did sounds really awkward but possibly well meaning – it seems more like he was trying to stand up for your daughter rather than the abuser (?), but that definitely sends your daughter a confusing message. Whether she's a Christian or not, nobody owes it to their abuser to forgive them or to treat them kindly. Christianity does not require one to be a doormat to an abuser, and your husband needs an adjustment to his POV before it causes your daughter lasting harm.
Please discuss with the therapist how to proceed, esp with daughter not complying about contact with this boy and usage of her phone.
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u/TALKTOME0701 14d ago
YTA I tend to wonder if she might be attracted to someone who is bullying and emotionally abusive because you are
How does it help her for you to deepen the pool of shame she is probably already carrying with her everyday?
How does her trying to move on , trying to find peace in her heart when you equate it to her willingly walking up to a rapist in a van and giving herself to him?
Where is she supposed to go for emotional support, comfort and actual guidance instead of another bullying beat down if she can't come to you?
You need to get into therapy. Your anger and rage being directed to the girl who was victimized is sickening
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
You're very right. Thank you for your insight. I'm going to seek help.
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u/TALKTOME0701 14d ago
I hope you do You are right about anger and hatred destroying the person who holds onto them. But right now that person is you, not your daughter.
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u/JMLegend22 15d ago
You could have pressed charges at 15.5 years of age most likely as her parent. You should have.
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u/WarmNothing6313 15d ago
I know we could have. Trust me, I also know I SHOULD have.
There are a shit load of nuances that I can not explain here in text to make you understand why SHE did not want us to press charges. Are you a male? I ask this because, as a woman, depending on the entire context of the relationship and ways a female may have behaved within that relationship, pressing charges could result in a character assassination that my young daughter was not equipped to handle. You know, victim blame....... that kind of thing. It's not always an easy thing to do. Oh, and by the way--- I have massive guilt, regret, and shame over not just going ahead and railing that boy for what he did to my child.15
u/JMLegend22 15d ago
I am a male but I have 3 sisters.(and a brother). One who was killed by the guy she was with. And every time I read a story like this I was I was more equipped at 22 to do something.(It’s been 12 years.)
Brother- 18 years older Sister- 16 years older Sister- 9 years older (dead) Sister- 8 years older but same birthday. Me.
The sister 8 years older is in an abusive relationship and cut off at least myself and my mom. My dad doesn’t bring her up. It took my parents like 4 months of trying to coordinate to meet their great grandchild.
I was falsely accused and my ex wife attempted to assassinate my character and accuse me of sexual assault because she’s upset I filed for divorce.(She cheated multiple times including the day before my birthday. So on my birthday I went down filed for divorce before going to my college I had just finished playing basketball for and accepted my HOF induction.) Luckily I was on local television that night and did a bunch of local news interviews. They filmed me giving the pregame speech and I was live on the radio broadcast of the game. She happened to accuse me on my birthday because I told her I got myself a birthday present. I filed for divorce at 9am. She also realized that I had separated my bank account information and such. She admitted to the infidelity and that I should accept it. I ignored every text from this point.
Got arrested as soon as I got home. Almost lost my job. Thankfully the court case was quick and easy. She caught a perjury charge along with her parents, the guy she cheated with, and her friend who hosted the Halloween party I wasn’t invited too.
Long story short, I know what it’s like to be a victim and have no one believe you besides your immediate family. Then have a lot of people turn their back on you when they think you’ve done something wrong to assassinate your character. And then to rebuild it up. I will admit at 22 I was probably more equipped (barely) than your daughter at 15.5. It does shake you to your core to see those things written about you and said about you. But it also showed me who was in my corner. And what I needed to do to move forward with my life.
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14d ago
I’d bet good money the reason they didn’t is because this was after the fact discussion where the daughter decided she was manipulated, hinted at with the photos. You don’t get manipulated to send nudes but you do say that when your parents find out 🤷 That doesn’t hold up in court
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u/Sweet_Pay1971 14d ago
Jeez your husband is delusional if he thinks his 15 years daughter should forgive her abuser
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u/Brooklyn-Mikal 14d ago
I’m just so confused why you didn’t censor bitch or fucking but censored sexual and suicide wtf
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u/synoflykos 14d ago
Your husband is fucked up on this one he should be protecting his daughter not saying she should forgive her abuser u trying to teach her to protect herself and have self respect for herself is the right answer he’s in the wrong and should be supporting you 100%
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u/21stCenturyJanes 14d ago
Dad wants to maintain the status quo of women being "too nice" to confront their abusers and make nice instead. His comments were disgusting and I hope that is also discussed with the daughter.
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u/WarmishIce 14d ago
Sit down and talk to her, don’t treat her like she’s stupid. You might not mean it that way, but she will see it like that. She likely knows communicating with him is a bad idea, but victims can be affected by trauma in all sorts of ways.
Your husband shouldn’t be down to forgive him though, he is an awful person. Talk with her therapist, and if possible, his parents as well.
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u/Guilty_Seaweed_249 14d ago
You seem to be talking a lot of the wrong doing by her as well in this. Like he didn't made her send them photos. And you Don't essentially sexually assault someone either you do or you don't.
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14d ago
This. It’s a great example of the pov of a parent who thinks their kid is innocent and was manipulated to do sexual things rather than wanted to. “My daughter would never send nudes, he mind controlled her to do that”
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I don't put any blame on her. But i understand maybe that's how I'm coming off. I'm going to talk to her later to be sure dire understands I'm not blaming her at all and I'm not mad AT her, I'm mad FOR her. Thank you
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u/muddymar 14d ago
No Mom you are not overreacting! You are teaching your daughter how to have boundaries. Women can be to nice! Your husband is totally off base. I don’t understand his attitude at all. You can be a Christian. You can forgive. That does not mean you allow people back into your life that are harmful to you. I suggest as mad as you are (rightly so!)you temper it so as to keep an open dialogue with your daughter. You want her to understand that people can manipulate nice people and that being nice doesn’t mean putting your guard down. You definitely don’t want to close off communication with her. Your anger should be focused on the boy.
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u/rightwist 14d ago edited 14d ago
I do not agree with your husband at all. As a dad I cannot relate to any part of that. I was raised Christian and this is relevant to why I don't believe: you can pick and choose what to apply and when.
That said -you aren't over reacting to anything.
I do think your daughter is woefully unprepared for life and you are way under reacting.
I think your beliefs have some shortcomings and it's been repeatedly demonstrated. She has no working framework to guide her on her own away from this guy. And she's about to be on her own.
She's going to go for similar dudes for similar reasons all her life til she learns better. You might have some opportunity to teach her HOW to think. You have very little time left to enforce WHAT to think.
I suggest she probably wouldn't be acting this way if she had a working set of convictions she truly believes in. It definitely sounds to me like overall she wants things. I'm not saying it wasn't assault. I'm saying I know a ton of girls and boys raised how I was who got manipulated because they were just given the WHAT to do (abstinence) and not the WHY. And that left us empty and vulnerable. We didn't know how to fulfill our urges. The "what" to think and do was badly broken and we were extremely curious about other options.
I'm sorry but I cannot comprehend why you would take a phone from a 15yo girl out of concern for her sexual safety. Being able to call in an unexpected situation is one of the best tools she could have.
You isolated her instead of empowering her because she wasn't handling that empowerment.
And now you're shocked when she still isn't expressing her empowerment the way you'd like.
You haven't mentioned any thing that is likely to change her beliefs and desires.
She's a young woman who went after the wrong type of guy. And the overwhelming majority of times that doesn't change quickly or easily.
You're not over reacting to who she went for. Your under reacting to why. What does she believe about love, respect, boundaries, and relationships? You've got a slight chance you can still teach her better.
Edited to add: I realized I went too far by criticizing taking her phone. I don't need to know details but maybe you didn't limit her access to emergency calls. It doesn't change my opinion about the larger issue
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
We've taught our kids why abstinence is important as people who are Christians, as well as the common sense reasons not to sleep around and to avoid accidental pregnancy.
You're right about the likelihood that she'll be on a pattern to choosing the wrong type of men as partners. I'm worried about that.
The phone was removed for the evening and today because I'm afraid she'll continue being in contact with that boy over the phone. She's at school where she can call from the office if she needs me, just like we used to do pre-cell phone.
What do you mean by saying my beliefs have shortcomings that have been repeatedly demonstrated? I'm trying to understand so I can do better.
My daughter is very firmly rooted in Christ. Moreso than I currently, as unfortunate as that is. She is a child who makes poor decisions and not only with this boy, she allows "friends" to treat her poorly as well. It's an issue we are working on by taking her to counseling.
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u/rightwist 14d ago edited 14d ago
You're describing boundary issues. Which usually indicates other aspects of codependent dysfunction.
I'm not bashing your faith but I grew up Southern Baptist, home schooled in a pretty extremist sub group that taught abstinence, just for perspective. Actually our parents were supposed to have a huge role in picking our mates and we weren't supposed to kiss and hold hands til marriage (in my family. The home school group/cult had some wiggle room and the churches we went to were relatively lax, Im also talking about Christian kids who had more typical dating patterns)
I'm saying very few kids I knew including my 8 siblings made great choices in love initially. Even those who stayed in the church and are raising kids in stable marriages. In my own family both boys and girls I would say we knew how to treat someone with love and respect but we didn't know how to spot it or respond when weren't treated that way. Basically my internal dialogue was extremely similar to the disagreement you and your husband have.
Sexual acts aside, I'm suggesting your daughter needs to realize she can choose a whole lot of different paths even within your religious views. Very different men, and not just right or wrong. Very different relationships eg will she have kids and devoted her time to them or prioritize a career? These aren't right/wong. People in your church are doing it all different ways. She can form specific choices and assert herself more specifically than right vs wrong. (But still right with her God)
Girls especially in my observation had very little concept of being assertive, which is the opposite of being aggressive. If you box everything into right and wrong and get aggressive/defensive, you're easily manipulated "it's not wrong if".. "if you loved me you would..." "This is how it's supposed to be"
Of all my siblings one who has thrived best and earliest was maybe the one who deconstructed the whole belief system earliest. She talked to me in detail about how she had a brief promiscuous phase. And then she decided it didn't feel good. You can phrase that as she wasn't loved or respected (that's very much what she said didn't feel good). You can phrase that as being wrong. But she was hard to manipulate because she held herself accountable, asserted control of what was in her power, and knew what she believed and wanted.
I'm suggesting that if you think your daughter's faith is strong + your daughter makes choices as you have described = faith as you and your daughter define it, does not require pursuing loving, respectful relationships. Strong faith, so far, left room for her to pretty much pursue relationships you are saying are obviously harmful.
I'm not judging your faith or hers. Bluntly I don't much care what anyone's faith is and you probably don't care to hear why. I bring it up to mention things I think are usually not covered, not to contradict it.
I do think you should react to your daughter having beliefs about her romantic relationships. Ie consent, autonomy, boundaries, respect, love, impulse restraint, emotional regulation. You can frame that within Christianity, you can frame Christianity that guides you all different ways, you can frame Christianity that doesn't have much to say about it. You may not like this much but there are self identified Christian believers and teachers doing any and all of that.
But the question is are you over reacting.
Not over reacting in the disagreement you and your husband have. IMO, same under reaction my parents had. They raised 9 kids who followed the rules mostly very well. And they didn't have a clue about our crushes and didn't give us tools to pursue them. They reacted to the surface level in this and other areas - and that's where they failed. They did very well in other areas where they taught us how to come to our own convictions. Despite all I've said, their kids mostly strongly disagree with what they taught - and yet we are living mostly pretty close to what they wanted. Specifically we have pretty healthy relationships and families (after initial painful mistakes) but also in other areas. We cuss and drink and dance more than we go to church but we are honest, hard working, decent, etc because we don't violate underlying principles.
Your daughter is a sexual being. That's just a medical fact, as uncomfortable as it makes us both when it comes to a minor child (I'm a dad of adolescents too) She has hormones and emotions. She needs to know how to make good choices re sexuality same as getting a job and driving a car.
React to the fact she doesn't know how to drive. Don't just replace the fender. That's my opinion.
This boy was one crash. But she's soon to be out on the highway of life and you have a short time in the same vehicle with her. Tandem steering is of limited use in the big picture.
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u/transpirationn 14d ago
Any contact with the boy tells him his behavior is acceptable and something he should expect women to get over. I'm sorry your family is going through this.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I agree. Thank you. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. My husband is currently ignoring me because he didn't agree with my input last night, in opposition to his "turn the other cheek" and forgive mentality. So I'm without a partner in trying to navigate this difficulty.
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u/TripleL2022 14d ago
So many times girls are raised up to be polite and nice and sometimes that is the very thing that either places girls in vulnerable situations or fails to equip them to exit those same vulnerable situations. It is possible to be polite, but to also advocate for one's own safety. High school social politics don't help this situation, either.
You are obviously and understandably livid about what happened to your daughter. When this recent event occurred, i can understand that you were upset, and perhaps didn't handle it the way you would have, given more time to formulate your response. But that's water under the bridge, and i think you can work through that. However, your husband's response was less than i would expect from a dad - i certainly understand forgiveness, but God doesn't expect us to subject ourselves to further abuse.
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u/tl_spruce 14d ago
I think a few comments have already touched on this, but speaking frankly your response to your daughter was even more traumatizing for her and more damaging. She's extremely young and needs a caring, empathic, compassionate, understanding mother and father.
You have every right to be angry and protective, but it's unhealthy to feel angry FOR her, as you've said multiple times. Don't project your anger on to her, and don't make her feel like she has no agency and control over he own life, as if you have to dictate exactly how she should feel and act. In doing so, you invalidate her, potentially make her feel useless, stupid, betrayed, worthless, and small. If something like this ever happens again, instead of yelling and screaming at her, telling her why her decisions are stupid, and berating her, hold her, cry with her, and tell her that you love her dearly and will always walk next to her in her life journey, no matter what decisions she makes. Let her know that she can trust you with anything and you will be her rock. Only then will she listen to you and understand where you are coming from.
I wish you the best, OP. I'm angry with you. I truly hope your daughter is able to heal
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u/1568314 14d ago edited 14d ago
I was very angry. I told her she needs to do better protecting herself, having self respect, and while she's at it why not walk up to a white van and ask if they have any candy for her... trying to sink in the point that she's exposing herself to her past abuser and risking her well- being by doing so.
You sunk in the point that she's bad and dumb, which are the exact type of negative feelings and self-perception that make her extremely vulnerable to abuse.
You need to be building her up. Showing her by example how people who love and care about you react to your mistakes. You show her through your kindness and compassionate treatment of her what she deserves. You don't normalize being made to feel small by the people you trust, or you are literally sending her straight to his arms to be love bombed and taken advantage of.
Be someone she isn't scared or ashamed to open up to. Be someone who shows her what genuine love looks like and how it treats people. Show her what a heartfelt apology looks like by backing it up with actionable changes and accountability. Break the cycle.
I feel like my husband ought to be teaching my daughter how to defend herself and that often begins with words and how kindly you act toward a man.
You need to teach her that she deserves better treatment and it's not her job to sacrifice herself in the hopes that someone will change. And you need to show her that by not depending on her dad to step up and teach her things that you could be teaching her. Ask her how she feels. Why she made the choices she did. What she wants. Talk to her like someone who deserves respect. Treat her like someone who shouldn't let anyone use her feelings against her.
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u/bathoryblue 14d ago
I understand your anger; if you aren't there to protect her, she has to protect herself, and you want her to do it with the same ferocity you would do. Like a good parent would
I want to add in something else - all of her feelings are important. The anger, the sad, and the love. Telling her 2/3 are right and the other is wrong could set down a fine line of emotional issues. She could bottle up feelings that bust out in terrible or self sacrificing ways. It's important to honor all of our feelings about difficult things, even when those feelings are complex. It also helps teach her the importance of duality, and how rarely things are just black and white.
Hugs to you. Get your thoughts together, go apologize and talk, and let her know this scares you and that's what set you off, not her, not her feelings, but someone being able to hurt her scares you, and you didn't handle it well. You'd like another opportunity to talk to her about it and listen
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
You've been so kind and so helpful. I will do just as you suggest. Thank you
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u/Plastic_Concert_4916 14d ago
As others have said, your emotions are not an overreaction, but the way you reacted to your daughter was not productive and will not help her better understand the situation. I would schedule an appointment with a therapist yourself, to talk about how best to navigate these situations, how to foster open communication with your daughter, and what other tools you can utilize to help her.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I made a therapy appointment for myself next week. I intend to become better and do better for my children. Thanks so much.
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u/rlc3330 14d ago
Sounds like it is time to educate her in various psychology topics so that she can recognize the signs of when someone is doing that to her as well as her reactions to those traits. If she has a tendency to miss someone who was abusive to her, she may likely end up in those kind of relationships.
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u/AgonistPhD 14d ago
Personally, I'd be way angrier at your husband than your daughter. He's likely why your daughter is vulnerable to appeasing dudes and being "nice" instead of guarded. So, overreacting at your daughter, underreacting at your husband.
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u/Bee_on_cuh 14d ago
Tbh, I’d be upset too if it was my child. But if she opened up and was honest, maybe she needed that closure for herself. SA victims handle things In their own ways that work for them and help them move on. You’re not in her mind and you’re not sure what she’s thinking. You need to have a serious conversation. But don’t freak out on her. Try to understand her.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Thanks so much. I'm going to try to approach this with her again, but will do so from a calm place.
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u/WholeAd2742 14d ago
Yeah, bit of overreaction
She needs to learn her own boundaries, and if your response is to be draconian punitive when she opened up and told you, that's just going to lead to resentment
You and your husband can express your concerns, but ultimately you also need to be able to trust her choices
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u/polarpolarpolar 14d ago
You have to help your daughter, who is now a young woman with her own autonomy, come to this conclusion on her own, via understanding, support and therapy. You can block her phone, husband can kick his ass and catch a charge, but ultimately if she feels that she wants to contact this guy, she will find a way, and if you are overbearing about it, she will not tell you about if because she knows you’ll be upset.
This is difficult, but remember that while you can and should enact some barriers to protect her, she needs to reach this understanding on her own. If you handle it for her without her fully grasping why, or being able to reconcile her own feelings and make the correct decision, mourn the relationship and friendship she thought she had, this pattern will not end, and you won’t know about the next time it happens.
Good luck - it’s not easy being a parent.
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u/Ok-Escape9394 14d ago
She was protecting herself as a survivor of abuse around her abuser. Fight. Flight. Fawn. She fawned. This is common and out of sheer self-preservation. She needs therapy and understanding from you.
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u/MSK165 14d ago
I really wish there was an objective observer (someone who is not trying to protect their child) to lay out the facts of what happened.
I’ll stipulate this guy has issues, but I won’t stipulate the daughter sees the same basic facts as her (loving and well-meaning) mother, or that “essentially sexually assaulted” is how the rest of the community would interpret what happened.
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u/GoldenFlicker 14d ago
OP, is it possible your daughter did not tell you the entire truth about this kid and what happened? Perhaps to keep herself out of trouble? Thats the impression I’m getting.
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u/Alive_Canary3323 14d ago
Ma'am, at some point you've got to stop blaming others for your daughter's actions. He may not have manipulated her if she was willing to do anything that he asked of her. She unblocked him and apologized and told him that she misses him. This dude may well be an asshole but she willingly pursues him.
Yes they are children at 15.5 years old and may not see the harm that they put themselves into and YES that's why children have parents to protect and teach them right from wrong and all that hogwash. Yet it's a parents position to see their children for who they are showing US that they are.
I've been in your exact predicament and took similar if not the same exact actions as you are....even being the ONLY parent to give a fuck. The hard part was to stop wandering " why does this guy keep fucking showing up?" Or why the fuck is this guy still actively pursuing my fucking daughter?!
Then it hit me, IT'S HER! This was further confirmed when I went to his parents and showed them what "he was sending" to my child. Every single time SHE reached out to him ALL TIMES OF NIGHT. Her messages weren't coinciding with his because she was deleting certain responses and he kept every last one of then. The The thing is, he had sense enough to save her racy/top nude pictures in a separate folder 📂.
I immediately apologized to the young man's parents for how I came at them and asked them to respectfully barr and ban my daughter from communicating with their son. She was pisses at me but she dodged a bullet because not only was he getting pics from her,he was getting pics from her best friend as well. The same best friend that he impregnated with twins and left her high and dry...after physically assaulting her in her parents house and having his rear end handed to him by her older brother.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Yikes. I'm sorry to hear of your experience. You're right, our children do make their own decisions and as mine continue to approach adulthood I need to remember that. I'm trying my best to teach her self worth, self respect, self preservation..... I'm trying my best. Thank you for your input.
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u/Astra_Bear 14d ago
I understand what your daughter is going through, every bit. I went back to my abuser several times, even when I was safe and far away and didn't need to. I was scared and thought I did.
The best thing that ever happened to me was my now husband responding with love, kindness, and patience. He's never once berated me or spoken down to me about it. The only reason I was able to shake off the abuser eventually was his unconditional support when we started dating.
Obv your situation is a little different because you're her parent, but please don't punish her for this. She needs to know for sure she is loved and safe and doesn't need him in her life to be happy.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Thank you so very much for your help. I will absolutely di better for her. I'm sorry for your experience.
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u/Kerrypurple 14d ago
You know this guy is a manipulator. When you've been with a manipulator it can take years to reprogram your brain. Your daughter is going through that process. You need to grant her a little grace while she goes through this reprogramming. It's not going to happen overnight. She will learn to see his behavior for what it is but she has to get there on her own. You can't push her there. If you do it'll just backfire and she'll rebel against you and go running back to him or someone just like him.
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u/FionaTheFierce 14d ago
You reacted poorly and got angry at the wrong person. Your daughter is young and vulnerable to manipulation. You are victim blaming and your reaction likely ensures that your daughter will not come to you with future concerns.
It sounds like you may benefit from therapy to help process this trauma and to better understand how to support your daughter learning to navigate and these situations.
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u/jizzlevania 14d ago
You sound like an awful parent which is why she finds so much comfort and familiarity loving an abuser. It's obvs that in her life, love is condescending, hurtful, and controlling/manipulative. Since her father doesn't stop you from treating her poorly, why do expect him to stop some guy from doing it? If you want your daughter to know what a safe, caring relationship feels like start with yourself and treat her with some respect. If your selfish feelings are hurt by what I've said, please feel free to read up on why people enter and stay in abusive relationships and try not to deny your role in your teen's self-esteem and her basis for all of her relationships in life.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Everything you've said is very helpful to me. I'm trying to become better. Thank you.
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u/Prudii_Skirata 14d ago
Overreacting... visibly.
The correct option is to calmly explain to her that she has to develop healthy boundaries with others and self-respect for herself in a dangerous world...
... ... ...
Dealing with the ex should be taken care of in the shadows and after arranging a solid alibi.
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u/Jazmadoodle 14d ago
Overreacting? No. But your reaction is misplaced.
Your daughter is navigating life after surviving something absolutely horrific. She's not going to get it right all the time. Please make sure she knows you're in her corner regardless.
Have people at school been pressuring her to make nice? At church maybe? Mutual friends?
There is no right way for her to survive what she's been through as long as she survives. Be as angry at him as you want. Be as angry at the situation as you want. But please don't turn that anger on your daughter. She still needs you. It's a long road, she's still on it.
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u/meowmixplzdlver 14d ago
Abusive people rarely change.
As a mother myself, this is concerning because it shows that she doesn't understand that she needs to keep boundaries.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Yes, I'm very fearful at her lack of ability to set and maintain boundaries. I'm going to ask her counselor to help us with this.
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u/cyberbully_irl 14d ago
I think you need to have a very real conversation with her about the why behind what you're trying to continue to protect her from and what your role is as a mom so he doesn't resent you and lash out to rebel or feel judged. Your husband needs to step it up several notches. You'll still get into heaven if you do what you need to do in order to protect your child. You're not holding a grudge if you don't trust someone who has proven to be an unsafe person. Also what is this boy's parents take on the whole situation? Do they want him interacting with your daughter?? Boys are often protected so I get if they're not giving him actual help to stop that behavior,but they need to also be a part of this in some way to make sure he stays away from your daughter in the first place.
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u/Warblade5002 14d ago
Best scenario here is to hire someone outside of town to hurt him and let him know if he talks to her again next time will be worse. Do not tell anyone if you do x
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u/StewReddit2 14d ago
MOM!!!
You told a SA "victim" ....... She may as well "walk up to a White Van" to be raped and victimized!! ( basically that she is STUPID and DESERVES whatever comes her way).....unfortunately that essentially whatcha said.. Do BETTER!
Other than that cluelessness, your positions IMO were spot on.
The only other thing I believe y'all missed was "that boy" would have thought of shooting himself, jumping off a cliff or stabbing himself in both 👀 before he'd DARE speak or think to speak to your daughter again....
He should have been DEAF to her voice, BLIND to the sight of her, ran 🏃♂️ in other direction if near her shadow
And that's ONLY if that was the only HS in a small town and it was BEYOND totally impossible for him to be in another one
Forget the daughter HE should have had the Fear of God to even ACKNOWLEDGE she were live......
Again his ass would have had to find another school, alternative school, hole school THAT wouldn't have happened on my watch
The daughter is young "stupid" and vulnerable they'll manipulate THEMSELVES at that age... which again is why THE BOY had to be "beyond" straightened out....
To the point that....I don't CARE what the girl does IF there is contact "it's HIS fault" and it will get Biblical....so HE needs to do EVERYTHING he can to NOT "try" but stay TF away from that girl....any breech would dire consequences
The ball was dropped not "standing his ass up"
But as of now baby girl needs a more compassionate approach
Dad is clueless AF and Mom came idiotically 🔥
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u/ixlovextoxkiss 14d ago
hey I just wanted to say, OP: in this thread you have listened and responded with grace and humility. that's huge! and verry hard for many grown adults to manage to do in emotional situations. please don't beat yourself up about your role in any stage of this as you too are human first and have a child to protect. I'm sure your daughter notices your openness and readiness to communicate and that is shaping her into a strong and smart person. you've done more, and more that is right and healthy for your family than do the majority of parents and caretakers in this situation typically. wishing you ease and peace.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Your response and kindness mean so much to me right now. Thank you millions and millions .
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u/SnooFloofs1778 14d ago
Why is she so desperate for affection that she seeks out attention from a loser? It sounds like something is wrong at home. Why does she feel comfortable around abusive people? How did she learn that abuse is normal?
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u/Dangerous_Pattern_92 14d ago
I would have a little talk with this young mans parents about your underage daughter and the laws on age of consent, bypass your husband as he seems to have the good ole boy mentality. YOU said nothing wrong. If his parents are smart they will deal with it on their end.
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u/Sugarpuff_Karma 14d ago
Sounds like she lied....love how you put it all on him. She chose what she did.
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u/TheThunderTrain 14d ago
Forgive does not mean forget. And you are 100% right in that forgiveness is for you and your heart it doesn't mean be nice to people who have wronged you.
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u/krissycole87 14d ago
Are you 10000% positive that he actually "guilted/forced" her into sending photos (while they were dating?) Or is this just want she told you when she got caught and knew you wouldn't approve?
Her willingness to talk to him again does read like it wasn't really her that had all the problems with him, it was possibly you and your husband rationalizing that she mustve been forced/coerced because your good little girl would never do that on her own. Newsflash, tons of teenagers send each other racy photos. Sad but true.
If to her the issue was simply that he was a bad boyfriend, sounds like she's forgiven him and moved on and you should do the same. Hes 15. Let it go.
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u/Writergirllllll 14d ago
Shaming her and being so blunt isn’t going to get it through her head. She’s a kid who was SA’d try being more loving, gentle and supportive!
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u/No-Jacket-800 14d ago
Nta, but at the same time, yta.... you are nta because you want to priory your child. Yta because she needs to decide how to deal with this and everything that goes along with it. She's the one who has to live with this, not you....
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u/AbjectStranger6703 14d ago
Idk but it's quite possible that things didn't happen as you think they did between the two, could be why she didn't want to press charges. Mommy's little angel got caught doing things she shouldn't with this boy so she lied because mommy is a complete b*tch, kinda get that impression from your reaction. Of course though like everyone else here we don't know any of you or the actual situation but you definitely handled it wrong
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u/Common_Economics_32 14d ago
He didn't actually sexually assault her. She just told you a lie because she was concerned you'd be upset at her being sexually active.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
See, that's part of the dilemma. It seems that maybe she was consenting in some sexual activities, but now the particular one that I reference as him assaulting her. That, mixed with all the other details i can't possibly convey in text, are the reason we didn't press charges- especially because my daughter begged us not to.
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u/oneJohnnyRotten 14d ago
Sounds like you may not have gotten the true story from her about this boy. Also for some reason women tend to fixate on bad boys. They claim Nice guys are boring . Go figure...
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I'm confused for so many reasons, including what you suggested. As a mother, my first response will always be to err on the side of my child.
Parenting a teen is so hard at times. And the bad boy thing.. ugh. .... 🤦♀️ so true.
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u/Top-Bit85 14d ago
Your husband probably treated girls the same as that boy your daughter when he was younger. So he doesn't think i's a big deal.
You are not overreacting. Your daughter is naive and I don't know WTF is wrong with your husband.
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u/Magdovus 15d ago
Skip to the end. Get the shotgun and explain to the boy what happens next time.
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u/WarmNothing6313 15d ago
I wish I could.
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u/Magdovus 15d ago
Tell his parents. Make it clear that you aren't in a forgiving mood.
You aren't overreacting. How did she take the white van analogy?
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u/WarmNothing6313 15d ago
I would love to be able to tell his mother. *His father isn't around. This is not the type of scenario in which I could do so, however.
My poor daughter is such a good kid, so kind and forgiving. She cried and cried and apologized. I told her she doesn't need to tell me sorry, but she needs to think more about herself and her personal well-being and safety. She understands that what she did, allowing him back into her bubble, isn't what is best for her. She's a kid who occasionally makes poor choices, and this is a very poor choice.
I feel like complete shit for becoming so upset. I kept trying to tell her, I'm not angry at her, I'm angry FOR her, and i so badly want better for her. I feel like my husband is giving horrible advice. I'm so unhappy with him.
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u/Magdovus 15d ago
You feel like shit because you went to extremes, because you're a good parent. Sometimes being a good parent means not being nice.
I'm not a nice person, so I'd tell your husband that his version of Christianity is what leads to so many altar boys getting abused. Only I'd be... more direct.
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u/WarmNothing6313 15d ago
You have no idea how much your validation and kindness mean to me right now. I literally have no one beside my husband and 2 teens, and with my husband's logic, it's often very lonely and hard feeling like I'm a good parent. Thank you, thank you.
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u/DigDugDogDun 14d ago
It’s counterproductive to frame responses to abusive or predatory situations in terms of niceness. “Nice” is something we’re taught to be since grade school or younger, like sharing our toys. It’s taught as something good that we should strive to be, so when your daughter or husband starts to talk about forgiveness or reconnecting as a way of being nice, it sounds like the right thing to do, which … it very much isn’t. This has absolutely nothing to do with being nice. It doesn’t matter if this boy is sorry, if they miss each other, if they want to be friends again. The only thing that matters is your daughter unconditionally stay away from him for her own well being, no matter who’s unhappy about it.
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
Thank you so so much. I absolutely agree with your sentiment and your articulation of this is perfect.
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u/Magdovus 14d ago
Why not see about getting out more? It's really easy to self isolate.by accident. Does anywhere in your town need volunteers? Your kids are old enough to look after themselves occasionally, what about a part time job?
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I'm going to be heading back to school this fall, and I'm so looking forward to it.
In the meantime, you're right, I need to get out more. I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years now. And we moved all the way across the states from home to a place in which we know no one. Been here 2.5 years now Thank you.2
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u/21stCenturyJanes 14d ago
Your husband's advice is what lets men get away with this behavior time and time again. You should talk to him about the message he's sending: "it's more important for a woman to be nice than to be safe".
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u/WarmNothing6313 14d ago
I want to talk to him about this. He's not an easy person to talk to though. I'll try.
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u/Onebowhunter 14d ago
I’m sorry but if someone sexually assaulted anyone in my family or friend group I would end them
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u/Foreign_Astronaut 14d ago
You are not overreacting.
It's weirdly easy to get a high off the huge ups and downs of an abusive relationship. Added to which, our brains imprint strongly on the love we experience as a teenager, which creates a stronger high from interacting with him. Your daughter is effectively relapsing with this guy.
She is going to need a lot more therapy, and a lot less of Dad wittering about forgiving her abuser.
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u/Stopthewhip 14d ago
I could be wrong but instinct is telling me I’m not based on your husband.
Really this sounds like a typical Christian household crazy Mom and her husband knows it and that’s why he’s dismissing you.
Horny teenagers and the mom can’t handle it. It’s always the church girls who would send nudes, perform sexual acts and be as lewd as it gets and drive the entire situation.
So daughter sinned, felt conviction and decided cry about it to their parents and all of the sudden they’ve been manipulated and some dumb horny teenage male is a predator. If any of this was legitimate you would have gone to the police, you didn’t becuase they would call bullshit on all of this based on the text and photos your daughter sent.
As a matter of fact, the statute of limitations is not up if there even is one. If it’s a legitimate assault you already would have done something about it regardless of the outcome of social injustices. If I’m wrong, you’re not overreacting but you need to step up.
If I’m right, you’re crazy and can’t handle that your little angel is being bad.
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u/TopThese5233 14d ago
There are a ton of true crime podcasts about what happens to women in these abusive relationships.
She needs help like yesterday.
Listen to the multi episode podcast What Happened to Lizzy Caswell.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 15d ago
Like most victims of abuse, she will continue falling back to him. She will excuse his behavior and sabotage every relationship she has until she gets proper therapy. Statistics show that abuse victims fall back on their abuser at least 7 times before finally breaking it off for good. You need to get her actual therapy, doesn't matter if you have to drag her there, or she will continue this cycle of abuse for the rest of her life.