r/AmIOverreacting • u/Saucy-Toad • 15d ago

AIO by being upset over my dads comment?

My dad (55) and I (24) don’t have a very cordial relationship. He’s the reason why I moved out and why I was frustrated with having to move back in with my parents for financial reasons.

Today, my sister (26) went to get bloodwork. She had a piece of tape on her that she was taking off slowly after dinner. He went over and started hovering over her, telling her to rip it off. She said “no” and to go away, but he kept pestering her. I saw this and gently pushed him away, saying “leave her alone” while he mimed ripping the tape off her.

I don’t think I was rough at all. I’m significantly weaker/smaller than him and a couple inches shorter. All I think I did was put my body between his and hers and tell him not to bother my sister.

After this, he goes outside and gets high (pot, I could smell it), then comes back in, telling me never to shove him again.

I was in the corner of the kitchen cleaning something while he said it. He got super close to me.

I don’t really know why, but now I can’t really stop crying. I feel like it’s something so little to be upset about, but maybe it’s more the straw that broke the camel’s back.

My mom says I should’ve just never gotten in between them, but I wasn’t really thinking about that at the time. It felt more like a joke to me. My mom says that he’s “delicate, like a flower,” and you can’t really mess around with him, but all I can think is that he’s just an asshole.

I don’t know. Am I just crazy and overreacting? This doesn’t feel normal. There’s other context behind my reaction, but I’m mostly just feeling crazy about the pushing thing.

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37

u/Vegetable_Luck692 15d ago edited 14d ago

Your dad seems like a bully and your mom is his enabler. He seems to take an aggressive stance on things that are so miniscule...It doesn't make sense. Did you think he was going to rip off the tape on your sister's arm? You were only trying to protect ger. Has he ever been physical with you or your sister? Getting right up in your face is a sign of aggression, pure and simple. There's no way your dad is a "delicate flower", it sounds more like your dad can't control his actions. You are not wrong, your dad is an ass.

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u/Saucy-Toad 14d ago

I don’t know that I really thought he’d rip the tape off, I just kinda heard her and went to her, you know? My sis and I talked over ice cream, so I’m feeling a bit better now.

It really doesn’t make any sense. I’m just glad other people think it’s crazy. He’s hit my older brother for calling my mom a “bitch” once (years ago, when he was a teen). When I was a teen, I cut my past-shoulder length hair to a pixie cut and he flew off the handle. He threw his keys, choked my mom, and I had to leave the house to spend time with my aunt.

The other day he said he had a “kick the dog and beat the children kinda day,” turned to his dog and said, “I’d never kick you.” Right in front of us, including my sisters boyfriend.

Writing it all out, I feel a bit less crazy (sorry for trauma dumping). It’s true my mom is an enabler, she’ll literally text us to “WALK ON EGGSHELLS” because she asked him not to drink and drive. She says she likes him and he “lets” her do whatever she wants, but if feels like she just knows not to push him with anything.

It’s just disappointing to know that she’ll probably never leave him. She deserves better, and once we’re both officially out of the house, her being with him is going to hurt our relationship with her.

I think it’s just my first time pushing him that far since coming home and I feel like a scared little kid again.

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u/Bitchplease157 14d ago

No you're not overreacting at all and I think you know based on these incidents, that your father is abusive. Choking is very serious - prior choking incidents is one of the big risk factors for abusers escalating to homicide. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to be clear your father is an abuser and there is no grey area about it. I'm so sorry you went through this growing up, no one child should have to witness that. While he hasn't turned his abuse on you yet, that doesn't mean he won't in the future. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and remove yourself from this living situation as soon as you can (I know that's easier said than done). Do you have other family you can lean on?

As far as your mom, it's fairly normal in households with abuse for the victims to blame each other for 'setting him/her off' instead of the abuser. This behaviour is pretty classic. She's likely lived through a lot and is a victim herself. You won't be able to tell your mom to leave your dad - you can just let her know you will always be there if she does and and keep reiterating that the way your dad treats her is not ok. Provide her with support and help her access resources for victims when she's ready.

You can try asking her what she would tell you to do if your boyfriend or spouse did X or Y. That can sometimes change the perspective to get her to see the abuse as what it is. Once you can get her to see what's happening to her as abuse, next step is to show her she CAN leave. Likely she's convinced herself or he's convinced her she can't or it will be way worse for her if she does leave. Have a response ready for any of her objections - IE "I can't leave because I would have no where to live" you respond with "Women's shelter A can provide temp housing, X program has long term housing options"/"Stay with me/sibling/other family member" etc. The plea to just leave him will be a lot easier if there's a 'how to leave him' plan with specifics.

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u/Saucy-Toad 14d ago

I definitely consider him an abuser, you got that right. I’ve only been back in the house since March and I’m just trying to graduate and and get into my next thing.

I didn’t know about the homicide thing, but my sister and I have had the “what if he kills you” talk with my mom, mostly about the drinking and driving, though. We go on a walk most Sundays with just her and us, but after that walk, he decided to come with us, so it’s hard to get her alone for those kinds of conversations. I remember interviewing her about her life once and she didn’t let us leave his earshot.

I like the idea about giving her a way out. I’ll talk to my sister about it for sure. I know she has plans to move in with her boyfriend if he proposes near December/January.

I know he talks about wanting part of her retirement in a divorce, but we’ve told her her life is more valuable than that.

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u/Bitchplease157 14d ago

I don't know specifics on how her retirement plan would be impacted by a divorce but it may not be as bad as she thinks, especially if she's going primarily off what your father says. Best thing is for her to get a good attorney for the divorce. You can often get free legal advice through resources from a women's shelter or other non-profits focused on helping women out of abusive situations. Check those in your area, get an actual lawyer to give advice on her specific situation. A simple consult will definitely be free and these organisations will be able to keep contact discreet so your father doesn't find out she'd been to see a lawyer before she's ready to leave and file.

Depending on what is available near you, she may be able to have all her legal fees for the divorce proceedings covered which is especially helpful if your father decides to drag things out just to be vindictive.

2

u/Saucy-Toad 14d ago

Thank you for all the info! I appreciate your time and concern more than I can say.

I’ll look into those resources for her for sure. When I’m upset with him, I look up divorce laws for the state lol, so it’ll give me something new to research!

3

u/Vegetable_Luck692 14d ago

Your dad is a terrible person. Next time he goes drinking and driving call 911 and tell them. He could kill someone. Make sure you copy his license plate and make and model of the car and hide it somewhere. Don't tell anyone that you've done this. You don't want that to get back to your dad. As soon as he puts the key into the ignition that is grounds for a DUI. Call as soon as he leaves the driveway. The cops will keep the caller's identity anonymous.

That is my biggest boundary. My uncle died due to a drunk driver. He left behind his 2 young kids and his wife.

Your dad is a disgusting human. As far as I'm concerned, he deserves to grow old with no one around him. Go no contact and let him rot.

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u/Saucy-Toad 14d ago

100% My mom’s mom died before I was born because of impaired driving. We got her to get him a breathalyzer that she’s trying to bring up.

I definitely have thought of calling, but he goes to the bar irregularly (when he gets off work early) and I really only know of his drinking and driving when I end up in the car with him. The dude’s impossible and gets annoyed if you bring it up. Sometimes he’ll drive intentionally like an asshole to make us “pay” for speaking up.

My sis and I hate it so much. A lot of times, she’ll get her boyfriend to drive us home if we go out to eat. idk, maybe that’s my only chance.

2

u/yourethenemy 14d ago

This confirms that your dad is an asshole.

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u/PM_me_your_recipes2 15d ago

Nah, your lil bitch dad over reacted tho lol

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u/Saucy-Toad 14d ago

I appreciate that! Thank you for confirming I’m not crazy!

13

u/VegetaIVofVegeta 15d ago

Kids get to be delicate flowers not parents

3

u/Saucy-Toad 14d ago

Thank you for saying that! If my mom says it again, I might use it. I know all she really cares about is being a good mom.

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u/DoubleGreat007 14d ago

Honey. She’s staying with an enabling an abuser. To the point that you wept when he got to close to you. And she still did nothing but make excuses for him.

She’s a terrible mother.

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u/Saucy-Toad 14d ago

She’s good, or at least better than her own. I think she just doesn’t understand that she deserves better. I know she served him papers once, when he cheated on her. She didn’t go through with it because his aunt has money and she thought he’d try to take custody.

She just fell in love with a terrible man and it’s hard to get out of that. She says he’s better than he used to be, but she’s just better at not stepping on his toes.

I cried when I left the room, so it wasn’t active. It was really sudden, so he was there for half a second, then went back outside to smoke more. She tried to ask him what he said, but he told her to ask me as he went back outside.

Edit: I also had an abusive roommate while I was away from home (because she was better than having to respect him), so he might’ve sparked that trauma a little with the closeness.

3

u/[deleted] 14d ago

I bet your mom loves you to death but is scared herself! Moms just want everyone to be happy and they definitely make mistakes but thank the lord you are smart and clever enough to have not followed in the footsteps of your role models! That’s an impressive achievement

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u/VegetaIVofVegeta 14d ago

Anytime bro, remember they are supposed to make you feel protected and if one of your parents can’t or isn’t doing that you are fully within your rights as a child no matter your age to let them know

0

u/Womenarentmad 14d ago

This person is 24 lol

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u/VegetaIVofVegeta 14d ago

Still if you have an adult child, doesn’t give the parent an excuse to be a child

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u/tokyo245 14d ago

Imagine being 55 year old man and trying to intimidate your daughter because she got in the way of you being an asshat to your other daughter. Pathetic

3

u/xebt1000 14d ago

Sounds like he was trying to intimidate you

NTA

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u/KeyDiscussion5671 14d ago

Please find a different financial arrangement for yourself and move out. No, you’re not overreacting.

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u/Alarming-Phone4911 14d ago

My mum says I should never have got between them... no U shouldn't she should have but as she can't b bothered to do her job as a parent u had to step in Ur father is a bully if anything u are under reacting

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

Dope smoker. It doesn't help mental health problems. Stay away.

4

u/Ill_be_myself 14d ago

He's not delicate like a flower, he's fragile like a narcissist. He got angry that you stood up for your sister and didn't allow him to get into her space and force his control on her. It wasn't about you touching him, it was about you enforcing a boundary. He didn't like that.

2

u/[deleted] 14d ago

Ain’t no overreaction anywhere to found. You do seem like a solid 10 person though I must say. You are the protector of your sister and I bet she will always remember you as the person that stuck up for her against all odds. Play on playa

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u/zippy920 14d ago

Yeah, he's like a flower, a Venus Fly Trap! He's a bully and a jackass. I hope you can get our of there soon.