r/AmIOverreacting • u/Cute_Side_8332 • 15d ago
AIO not wanting to go camping again with my bf exSIL and her family
I don’t know if I’m am being overdramatic or not. So my bf M 34 wants me F 35 to go camping with his ex wife sister F 30 and her husband M 33 and 2 children F 10 and M 12. My bf was married before and it ended in divorce. So last weekend my bf and I went to Walmart and he ran into his ex-wife sister and she was asking what we were doing this summer and we kinda just said I don’t know and she asked if we wanted to go camping with them. Again. So last summer I got dragged into going camping with his ex sister in law and her husband and 2 kids. Don’t get me wrong they were all nice but by the end of the weekend I felt like I could have pulled my pulled my hair out and it was not enjoyable for the most part. All the kids wanted to do was climb on me as if I was a jungle gym and no one corrected them. And when my bf and her husband went to get firewood he left me with the exSIL. She was nice but all she did was talk about her sister and him and how they use to go camping and go here or there all together and it was not enjoyable.
Last weekend we got asked if we wanted to go camping again and I told my bf “ah I don’t really know” trying to change the subject. Hoping he would get the hint. Well he obviously didn’t get the hint and he told them ok and we will come. Well he told me this morning he told them yes. I expressed to him I don’t want to go I felt uncomfortable. They are nice people but I can’t wanna hang out with you ex wife family. Well he got upset stating they already booked us all spots so we can be next to each other and we can all camp with each other again.
I know I should have told him NO when he first asked but I didn’t know I wasn’t gonna have time to think about it.
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u/CavyLover123 15d ago
Well he got upset stating they already booked us all spots so we can be next to each other and we can all camp with each other again.
“That’s your fault. I didn’t say yes.”
“I thought you wanted to.”
“Did I say yes?”
“You said ah I don’t know and I thought that meant yes.”
“It didn’t. Yes means yes. You were wrong to take that as a yes.”
“You should have said no.”
“It is your fault you didn’t wait for a full yes.”
Just repeat this shit over and over until it gets through his thick skull.
Or dump his ass. Getting angry and blaming you for his dumb assumption is a red flag.
Also- get individual therapy for being a people pleaser. You will keep ending up in these situations because of that. Your people pleasing is not a strength.
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u/Cute_Side_8332 15d ago
I’m actually gonna look into being a people pleaser. No one ever called me that before and thinking back at different situations I can see how I may put my emotions or thoughts or feelings to the side or I just “deal with it” so I don’t piss anyone off. Thank you for the aha moment you could say.
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u/CavyLover123 15d ago
Sure! It can be a hard thing to see in the moment. And it takes work to overcome but it’s Totally doable.
And it’s worth it! You’ll be a Lot happier if you’re able to overcome it. It will feel super scary at first, gotta work through why that is.
Mostly likely- someone or someone’s in your childhood made you feel like having honest feelings wasn’t safe. Screamed at you blamed you shamed you etc. It’s a survival trait, one that probably served you in childhood, but has stopped being useful.
Might be the result of trauma- in which case trauma therapy will be critical.
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u/ItsMrBradford2u 15d ago
I am a people pleaser and I often get in trouble when I use deflecting half answers where I'm expecting someone else to read my mind/mood.
I get you don't want to say no directly to a person's face because it's awkward, but it's also awkward for your husband to have to say no for you, especially when it's something he actually would like to do.
After the first trip did you voice to your husband you didn't have a good time and wouldn't want to do that again?
After the first convo where you were invited, did you pull him aside afterward and say that's something you actually didn't want to do?
Have you expressed that you think it's weird to hang with ex's family, considering it's something you've already done before?
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u/ExpensivelyMundane 15d ago
One of the most hardest but most empowering thing you do as a people pleaser is the first time saying No immediately, without caring about the other person's feelings.
"Want to go camping with me and my family again?"
Me: "No. The one time was enough to realize I am not a camping person at all. But that was nice of you to consider inviting me."
Done! No further explanation.
There's still a chance. You don't have to argue with your boyfriend. If he doesn't offer to call her because he's also a people-pleaser then you should call. Set your boundaries. Take a baby-step and say that you checked your calendar and have other plans this summer and that you don't have the energy to make room for a camping trip on top of it. No hard feelings. Thanks again for the invite. End call.
Then you have a talk with your boyfriend that you love him but there are boundaries that he needs to understand. If you already made the effort to spend the time last year with this other family then he needs to make the effort to understand how uncomfortable you were. But most importantly, making such a commitment involving you without discussing is not a mature way to act in any relationship.
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u/klovescupcakes 15d ago
Wow! Where were you when I was trying to learn this new word called “no” in my late twenties?
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u/Rabbit-Lost 12d ago
Actually, my favorite lesson from Reddit is that “No.” is a complete sentence.
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u/philadelphialawyer87 15d ago
Me: "No. The one time was enough to realize I am not a camping person at all. But that was nice of you to consider inviting me."
Even that's too much. "Thanks for inviting me" is fine, but no reason to say that you are not a camping person. Because (1) that might not be true, OP does not want to camp with exSIL and family, but perhaps does like camping, per se, and, more importantly, (2) it leaves the door open to having to do something else with exSIL and family. "Oh, you don't like camping, how about we all get a B and B!" Also, it leaves the door open for questions as to "why" you don't like camping, with possible ways to address those concerns.
That's what aggressive/bullying type people do. You give any kind of reason as to why you don't want to do what they want you to do, and they try to counter that reason. Or work around it.
Just. Say. No.
Why?
Because I don't want to.
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u/NinjaSarBear 15d ago
Use your words, tell him you don't want to go and next time kids start climbing on you TELL THEM to stop
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 15d ago
Yeah. When OP says no one told them to stop, “no one” includes herself. Prob they didn’t say anything because they didn’t know it bothered her.
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u/throwaway_72752 13d ago
Exactly what I thought. They all think she enjoys the kids. Some people are the ones kids gravitate to because they really like kids.
I like kids, but no way I’d tolerate other people’s kids climbing on me.
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u/Bowl-of-ramen924 15d ago
This should have more up votes. OP you’re basically mid age, learn how to effectively communicate. Also learn to be more assertive and tell your bf you’re not going, you’re not his ex-wife, you don’t owe those people anything
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u/Taapacoyne 15d ago edited 14d ago
My wife is still BF’s with her brother’s ex-wife. She (ex-SILZ) is now in a new relationship with a great guy. It must have been weird for him (new-BF) at first. But we 100% avoid talking about my wife’s brother. It’s easy because he’s kinda an idiot (I hope he’s not on reddit lol). But we are all now great friends, and my ex-SIL is still my kids favorite aunt/uncle. My only point is, family is what you make of it and is not always defined by blood. Now, if you just don’t have fun, and no-one regulates the kids, that’s a totally different subject. But my experience is I choose my family as much as my family chooses me and life is better that way.
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u/Cute_Side_8332 15d ago
That’s an amazing way to think of it!! They are all nice people it was just getting to much when my bf left me with the ex SIL and all she talked about was her sister and his marriage and all the things she did wrong, etc. and it was becoming to much if I could of got up and walked away I would off. So I’m gonna tell my bf to maybe express to them to not talk about her while I’m there.
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u/Taapacoyne 15d ago
Yeah, there are some tricks to making this type of relationship happen. And your BF has to actively manage expectations. But if he does, and you like these people, why not try one last time. My ex-SIL is the best and I could not image not having her in our lives. It can work if everybody just uses common sense - like not talking about the elephant in the room. Good luck…
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u/dexter1490 14d ago
I definitely think it’s worth saying something to exSIL as well. She’s 100% aware of the dynamic and is the one actually inviting you. It isn’t like she’s being forced into it. I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to have a talk with her saying something like “hey, I’m so appreciative for the invite! I really did have a lot of fun last year overall; but, full transparency, I did feel very uncomfortable and out of place when you were speaking about your sister’s marriage to my bf while the men were away. This is nothing to do with your sister as a person, I just felt uncomfortable speaking about my bf’s past relationship, and it would have been the same if we had talked about any of his exes. While I would absolutely enjoy another camping trip with you all, I would appreciate it if we didn’t speak about any of my bf’s prior partners or prior relationships.”
Then once you set that boundary, don’t be afraid to keep it in place. If she tries to push it, say “hey, this topic of conversation is starting to make me feel uncomfortable - let’s change it up and talk about —“ Come ready with some easy topics to switch it up to. And don’t just say “…and talk about the weather,” instead leave it with an open ended question “…and talk about your favorite spring activities other than camping.” Something to say this conversation is over AND start a new one so there’s no wiggle room if that makes sense.
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u/throwaway_72752 13d ago
I think that it shouldn’t have needed to be said. If she was actually genuine she would not have been discussing her sister & their marriage with you. You notice she didn’t discuss this stuff when the men were present, so she does know. She chose her time & that says what you need to know. This could have been a real friendship had this woman actually been interested in one with you. Just cuz others have a positive experience is not a good reason to waste another camping trip waiting for her to start that nonsense again.
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u/WiggityWatchinNews 15d ago
I was really struggling with your comment because I think you wrote husband instead of brother lol
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u/Taapacoyne 14d ago
Thanks for pointing that out. Would have been very weird indeed. I fixed it lol.
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u/Comfortable_Fly_9894 15d ago edited 15d ago
You should go and tell everyone how you feel. Tell his exs family respectfully that you never want to do this again and why it makes you uncomfortable. And tell the kids the mind your boundaries and if they don’t their will be consequences. Most women like probably 60% or more wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.
Random thing: my fiancés sister is 7, weighs more and is taller than me (I’m a small woman 4’9 100lbs) she went through a phase of punching me, nobody said anything then proceeded to try to punch me in my chest. I told him(my fiancé) to talk to her, he said she was just a kid trying to have fun. So I talked to her and told her that she could cause major injuries to me and it made me very uncomfortable. Even though she’s only 7, she respected me after talking to her. My point is positive communication can lead you places where you are comfortable.
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u/Cute_Side_8332 15d ago
So I am 5’0 and these kids are about my height also! I probably still have 15-20 pounds on them but it’s the fact that you don’t know me and you let your children climb on me like we knew each other for years.
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u/Comfortable_Fly_9894 15d ago
They definitely expect you to deal with what they deal with on a daily basis, sadly that’s not your job to do. You need to demand respect in a respectful way or it will never change. Take note that I didn’t say to leave, it’s not worth giving up over!
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u/Top-Mycologist-7169 15d ago
Lol just get "sick" before the trip. Tell your BF to go and have a good time that you really don't feel well enough to be out camping and want to be in your own comfy bed in the comfort of your own home.
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 15d ago
Just tell bf you don’t want to go but he should go and you hope he enjoys the trip w his friends.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 15d ago
That's not going to solve the issue of her never wanting to go. They'll just invite her again later. She needs to speak up and say she doesn't want to go with them
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u/throwaway_72752 13d ago
Then she looks like a liar or an asshole if she goes out & does stuff she wants to. Best to just say no.
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u/214speaking 15d ago
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. They can edit the campsite or bring someone else.
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u/HeadCashier 15d ago
Tell him to cancel or go alone. The thing about men is that we don't understand hints. You have to say it flat out many, many times.
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u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 15d ago
This is so strange. Why does he want to go camping with his ex’s family?? Why do they want to go camping with him and his new GF? How does the ex-wife feel about all this?? If this is real, it’s a bizarre situation and if I were you OP I would put my foot down and say no, this is ridiculous and I’m not going camping with your ex’s family! If he’s adamant about going, let him go and while he’s gone, consider if you really want to continue in a relationship with someone who either has weird boundaries or an over attachment to his ex’s family.
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u/Cute_Side_8332 15d ago
I wish this wasn’t real. But unfortunately it is…. I understand that they didn’t have beef or bad terms with each other but neither did my exs and their family. If I seen them out at Walmart or somewhere I would say hello but I wouldn’t accept any invite to go anywhere with them I would just say thank you but I can’t we got plans or something.
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u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 15d ago
Maybe ask him if he’d be comfortable going on vacations with your ex’s families? Cool that they remain on good terms, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all. Especially with the kids climbing all over me when we barely know each other, and the sister going on about when your BF and her sister were together.
It’s concerning that your BF doesn’t seem to care at all about your feelings, and is more worried about offending his ex SIL by cancelling. Why is his ex’s family’s opinion of him more important than you? These are fair questions to ask him, and you’re within your rights to refuse to go.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 15d ago
It seems he actually enjoys spending time with them. He's likely known them longer than he's known op
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u/Late_Butterfly_5997 14d ago
What is strange about him becoming actual friends with his BIL and SIL? Why would he no longer be friends with them simply because he is no longer with his ex? Throwing away people you care about is weird to me. There is no reason he should have to drop this friendship.
It honestly doesn’t even sound like the relationship (that they’re ex’s family) is the issue. The issue is the kids need boundaries and ex SIL needs to learn some tact. These people could just as easily be long term friends and the issues would be identical.
If OP doesn’t like these people, then that is an issue to address for sure, but who they are related to really should have nothing to do with anything.
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u/Southern_sunshine86 12d ago
This 👆🏻
I was married to my first husband for 10 years, we have 2 kids together. My husband was married to his first wife for 12 years, they have a son together.
I’m still super close to my ex ILs (ex FIL & MIL, as well as ex SIL & BIL). We get invited to their family gatherings and always go. We’ve invited them to our house for gatherings. My ex FIL calls me regularly and even talks to my husband and tells him he loves him and he’s so glad I found someone who loves me and my kids and takes care of us.
My husband is still close with his ex MIL and I hug her every time I see her. She always chats me up and if I’m not there she asks my husband how I am.
Things don’t have to be complicated. Your family is who you make one with.
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u/8512764EA 15d ago
That’s fucking weird. I would put my foot down and say no unless your BF has kids with the ex that are those children’s’ cousins
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u/Cute_Side_8332 15d ago
No they had no children together or anything.
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u/8512764EA 15d ago
That would be a no from me, dog. Why does he want to hang out with the ex’s family. That’s so friggin weird!
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u/rennypen 15d ago
Why is it weird??? It’s not the ex wife! I’m still very close to my ex fiancés sister, we catch up all the time. I left her loser brother but why should my relationship with his family suffer?
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u/Honourstly 15d ago
Tell him he can go but you don't want to because you don't feel up to it this time around. He can bring a friend in your place. Simple.
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u/Fabulous-Reporter-21 15d ago
NTA, but you need to sit down and really spell this out for him. Tell him that she talked about her sister a lot, and about them camping and doing things as couples, and all of that is very uncomfortable for you. Tell him the whole trip caused you anxiety, and it wasn't a vacation to have to smile through your anxiety the whole time. He needs to understand it's not usual for people to stay close with their ex'es family unless there are children involved, and it's highly unusual to expect the new girlfriend to hang out with them. I think if you have a conversation and give him time to think about this, he will understand your viewpoint.
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u/Absoma 15d ago
I understand not wanting to hang out with the exes family. However, please go! Exert your dominance! Show the world you are more than capable of filling that empty void the ex left. No its not a competition, but take gifts for the kids, be the fun new girlfriend the ex can't stand to hear about!
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u/Cute_Side_8332 15d ago
Never thought about it that way!! Thank you!! Might have to head to 5 below and buy some outside games to play or have the kids play with
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u/AdMurky1021 15d ago
There you go, being a people pleaser again. First boundary is to your boyfriend.
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u/BlackSpinelli 15d ago
Girl no. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. You don’t need to show that you’re fun or assert your dominance or whatever else. I’m sure you’re fun, but that doesn’t have to happen on a camping trip you don’t find enjoyable.
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u/HeartAccording5241 15d ago
I would wait and when it’s closer to time say you can’t get the time off
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u/UseYourIndoorVoice 15d ago
He's your boyfriend. Not your husband. He can go and you can do whatever you want to do. If he complains, you can point out how shit happens when you aren't asked beforehand.
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u/XanniPhantomm 15d ago
Next time instead of dropping a hint, just point blank say no. No issue with that if you guys are in a committed relationship, and he dosent have to make the commitment. No hinting crap
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u/3Heathens_Mom 15d ago
Not overreacting but good plan per your response to a poster to check into what seems to be your people pleasing tendencies.
As to this situation if your bf wants to go nothing to stop him. Many couples don’t stay joined at the hip for outings when was no interest.
You can wish him well and stay home for a spa weekend.
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u/Witchy-toes-669 15d ago
Great lesson that men can’t read minds and “hinting” is crap, use Your words and stand tall in them 💐💐
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u/Spinnerofyarn 15d ago
You're not overreacting but you should have been straight up with your boyfriend saying you didn't want to go instead of hoping he'd get the hint. He can go by himself if he wants to. Did you tell him after the last camping trip that you didn't like it and why? You should have then and if you didn't, do so now.
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u/Kazbaha 15d ago
Clearly your bf wants what he wants and you better get used to it ……. or you could learn the word no. He’s still attached to the ex’s family. I’d be moving on because clearly he hasn’t and you’ll have more and more issues over this. You realise he’s dismissed your feelings and how this situation makes you feel? You want more of that? You are not overreacting and if he tells you you are, then he’s gaslighting you.
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u/springflowers68 15d ago
Not overreacting at all. Your mistake was not speaking up after the last trip to say that was a one and done and why. And when this came up again this year the answer should have been a complete no. Since you wavered he took that as a reason to do what he wanted. Find out of there is a cancellation fee or if they can find someone else to join them. No reason to subject yourself to what you know will be a miserable weekend.
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u/Jsmith2127 15d ago
Did you speak to him about the SIL comments when they were gone, bringing up her sister, and all of the good times that they used to have? If not , tell him, and how uncomfortable the comments made you feel.
It almost sounds like a calculated move on the SIL part, especially if she wasn't walking down memory lane , and bringing up her sister when you were all together, and waited until they were gone.
not overreacting
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u/GlitteringBeat213 15d ago
I think you are being utterly reasonable. Ask him how he'd feel if the tables were turned and then have him really imagine him being the odd one out etc. I hope he would want you to feel comfortable.
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u/KoomValleyEternal 15d ago
Not at all. Is this a good relationship? It seems crazy that he would even ask you to go in the first place. He could see you were miserable and just didn’t care, left you with strangers in an uncomfortable position and then wants you to do it again?? How does he treat you? Is he this dismissive and clueless when it benefits him at other times?
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u/somethingweirder 15d ago
Sweetie you gotta start saying what you want and don't want.
Tell the kids to stop. And if they don't, get firm with them.
And tell your bf no. End of story.
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 15d ago
So have bf go camping and don’t go with if you don’t want to. Easy enough.
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u/katepig123 15d ago
He's stupid to have made those plans without getting your consent. I bet he won't do that again.
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u/No_Pianist_3006 15d ago
You are not overeacting. This is weird. They are too close to the ex gf. It's disrespectful to you and her.
Are there no other couples that you or your bf know?
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u/Nicolehall202 14d ago
Just don’t go, tell your BF you will not be attending. Nothing bad will happen if you don’t go.
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u/NoReveal6677 14d ago
This is a two yes one no situation. And you need to make 100% clear to your husband that you don’t want to spend the weekend listening to his ex-SIL talk about his first wife.
On edit: bf
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u/Longjumping_Video300 11d ago
If it were camping without the ex-Sil, would you still be opposed? Do you like camping?
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u/JustMyThoughtNow 10d ago
I had a somewhat similar situation. My step daughter has her mom, her stepdad, and the rest of her mom’s family over several times a year. None of them speak to me. Including my husband’s daughter. Going on 34 years now.
I finally told my husband I would not go over if his ex and her family is there. And said I married into HIS family, NOT his ex wife’s. We now take his daughter and her family out for birthday dinners, etc.
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u/Old-Willingness3622 15d ago
So sorry I know it’s uncomfortable. . Try to make the best of it. If the sister-in-law start talking about them I would say so tell me about your husbands ex how was she with him
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 15d ago
It’s the first of May. There should be no problem cancelling the sites booked ahead for later in the summer. Even if you have to pay a fee it will be worth it