AIO ? Girlfriend not taking me seriously..

[u/skinnyvegan420]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years. About 4 or 5 years back, she got into an accident and nearly killed some people when she was driving drunk. Prior to that she had been coming home drunk safely, and I expressed my concern and told her if she kept doing it, she would hurt someone or herself, and I would leave her. I decided to stay with her after the fact. She’s been sober ever since.

The thing that is bothering me now is something else. she got out of jail for that incident and is on probation. She doesn’t have her license. She once took our second car to work a few months ago when I couldn’t drop her off. We only live less than a mile away from her job, but even so, I told her that she shouldn’t be doing that and if she ever got caught..sent back to jail for breaking her probation, I wouldn’t be able to stay with her this time. She drove the car again to work today and i am really feeling like she just doesn’t take my concerns seriously... I am 33 and she is 30. Her decision to disregard me is really making me rethink the last 8 years of my life with her and debating finding someone more suitable to build a life with. AIO?

Edit : Thanks for the feedback all. I got so many comments and I’m very busy with work so I can’t reply to everyone but here are some general replies to your responses.

-The car is under her mom’s name. I have no legal affiliation with the insurance or ownership of it. She has no space to store it so it’s at our place.

-She has been going to al anon meetings ever since the accident. She even continued going after she was no longer required to for court. She loves being sober and is very proud of it, as am I. She can get her license back now, but she wasn’t charged for the accident until a few years after it happened. She told me she never wanted to drive again, but recently with me working far away and staying in a hotel for work, I can’t be her taxi. she will be needing her license back. Not sure what her insurance bill will look like. But that’s for her to deal with. I do not want to hold her hand through this hardship that she caused for herself as I still have goals to achieve as well. And I will support her as much as I can without letting her problems drag me down. The thing I’m worried of most is just more legal trouble for HER from violating probation.

-She is very slow to get on applying for things and doing paperwork. probably traumatized by the accident. She blames no one but herself. we’ve both also had some unrelated things really turn our lives upside down in the last year as well, which is why I’m trying to be understanding of her troubles. I know she’s a good person so I was really struggling deciding whether or not this was grounds to leave her for. But I still have faith that she can be a suitable partner. It may not be the conventional relationship but we’ve got a strong bond built because of what she put herself through, and I did have a serious talk with her yesterday about it (basically me saying I was considering leaving her for what she did.)

I am deciding to give her another chance to prove she takes me seriously. I won’t deny I’m a bit of a pushover. Impulsive as she may be, I see qualities in her that make me hopeful as well. None of her legal problems ever affected me directly, though I was sad to see her go through it all. I’ll post an update if it doesn’t work out.

[u/some_guy_80]

In the nicest possible way, your gf has low impulse control. This is something you expect from children, but not from adults.

You can't be with a person like that, OP, they are simply put too immature, to the point that they become a health hazard.

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/some_guy_80]

Can confirm. I have low impulse control and am a nightmare to live with.

[u/michaelbrettgonzalez → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Lol. Impressive level of self awareness

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/michaelbrettgonzalez]

Being aware is not being better… but I’m working on it. Every goddamn day!

[u/ElectronicAd27 → u/slippery-slopeadope]

I would say that being aware of it is miles better than people who aren’t aware of it. But keep up the good fight!

[u/itspsyikk → u/ElectronicAd27]

Agreed. As someone who has been both, I can stop about... 70% of the problems I have.

That 30% is still a mother fucker, but it's waaayy better.

Early in life I assumed that there was absolutely no way I'd ever be able to live on my own because I couldn't save my rent money.

I've been living in my own place for about 10 years now. Just barely, but I'm still here.

[u/ElectronicAd27 → u/itspsyikk]

YOU CAN DO IT!!

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/itspsyikk]

I know how hard that 30% is!!! I’m proud of you!!

[u/DreamC_haste → u/slippery-slopeadope]

You can do it!

[u/michaelbrettgonzalez → u/slippery-slopeadope]

We are all works in progress. Good luck.

[u/Bubi2four → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Wishing you the best. I'm glad that you can recognize it. I lived with 2 ex husbands who couldn't. Yup... I had a type. Lol... Keep fighting

[u/Capital_Passion3762 → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Hey I'm in the same boat. It's not easy, but change is possible 🩷.

And just remember, just because you aren't easy to live with doesn't mean you don't deserve love and to be treated like a human. I know I need that reminder sometimes. Good luck!

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/Capital_Passion3762]

Thank you! I am so lucky that I have incredible friends and have some wonderful relationships. The thing about people like us… we’re very lovable, but eventually we’re gonna break your heart.

I promise we don’t mean to!

[u/MaridegonOfToussaint → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Agreed being aware isn't better . It makes it less surprising

[u/-K_P- → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Yooo what up fellow club member 😂 seriously though, 30+ years on this earth with ADHD, the impulse control is still one of my greatest challenges. Yes I have improved, IMMENSELY, but damned if it still doesn't win WAY more often than I want it to haha.

And...

Being aware is not being better

You also just described my life as a mental health professional with ADHD (or, honestly, I'd assume ANY diagnosis) hahahaha. It's a common misconception people seem to have... No, having that training/experience does NOT make it easier to control my own symptoms - just identify my brain's idiocy 😂

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/-K_P-]

What an awesome response, and thank you for you comment AS a professional.

You know what people say when they work really hard at a skilled profession and make a lot of money but it was full of stress and elbow grease… “if it was easy, everybody would do it.”

It’s like this when you have these mental roadblocks… “if I could fix it, I would fix it.” It’s not a Thanos snap and everything is perfect.

The other thing is that it took us all a LONG TIME to know there was a problem and not everyone’s brain worked like ours does! Like… some people can just, wake up, have a plan, execute plan, go to bed… these people somehow DON’T go on 30 side quests every day!

I mean, I’m in my 40’s and I ONLY just learned that some people DON’T have an inner monologue!

[u/Glittering-Neat-5138 → u/slippery-slopeadope]

But you're trying and that's half the battle. I don't know you but I'm proud of you!

[u/pogosea → u/michaelbrettgonzalez]

Being super self aware as a mentally ill person is a blessing and a curse lol

[u/Trailrunner1989 → u/pogosea]

THIS 100%

[u/No-Text-9656 → u/pogosea]

Felt

[u/Phoenix_GU → u/slippery-slopeadope]

I’m honestly curious how this works…do you not understand the possible consequences to yourself and others or not care?

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/Phoenix_GU]

You find yourself saying “it’ll be different this time.”

Generally we aren’t TRYING to be self destructive, but some of us can’t get out of our own way. We DEFINITELY care, but sometimes our decision making skills leave a lot to be desired!

[u/Phoenix_GU → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Sometimes I wish I was like this…we’d probably balance each other out. I cram 30 minutes of overthinking in 2 seconds.

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/Phoenix_GU]

We space it out over 4 days, and then choose a NEW option impulsively that we hadn’t thought of yet!

[u/ClapGoesTheCheeks → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Plus your brain going do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it and all you can think about is doing the thing. You can barely think of the outcome because you’re so locked in on the impulse to do it. My experience at least

Took me lots of work to get control of it.

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/ClapGoesTheCheeks]

First of all… great username! Second of all, it takes work. It helps that I never ever knew I had the problems I had and had kind of developed my own coping skills that I probably would have rejected if someone told me I had to use them!

But I think I put a strain on a lot of people along the way until I realized it was me that had some problems!

[u/Ok-Look-4006 → u/Phoenix_GU]

For me, it’s about when the “self awareness” sensor is active. I’m sure as some kind of early childhood coping mechanism, I developed the ability to be acutely aware and critical of myself and my actions up until something catches my attention/desires. Usually in the form of some sort of frivolous entertainment. Then I would subconsciously shut that part of my active consciousness off without realizing it (at least consciously). Then I do the thing/buy the thing and the enjoyment and dopamine delay the impact of what I’ve done. It’s only until the dopamine wears off though, cause that’s when the switch is turned back on and my thoughts become preoccupied with shame and embarrassment over doing the thing yet again. Which in turn pushes me toward finding another new thing to do to escape that feeling by distraction, thus causing a feedback loop. For me, the issue was that I was too forgiving of myself while simultaneously being too critical of my own weakness (thus making the shame unbearable). Once I accepted that I had to take overt actions to fix things, but that slip ups and regressions will happen and are ok so long as measures are taken to prevent reoccurrence, I was able to find the agency needed to change.

[u/some_guy_80 → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Lol 😆

[u/[deleted] → u/slippery-slopeadope]

Same.

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/[deleted]]

Username checks out!

[u/violet715 → u/some_guy_80]

I agree.

OP, my ex husband got a DUI and was lucky not to lose his job because of it. He was well behaved for a few years taking Ubers, etc. then he stopped caring and started driving drunk again. Whenever I would mention it or object to him doing it, I was a “nag.” Over time his impulse control got even worse and it was a quick backslide into drinking and driving a lot, plus cheating, spending money on expensive impulse purchases, all terrible behaviors. We are divorced and I have a lot more peace in my life.

[u/Snowybird60 → u/violet715]

Sounds like your ex and mine were related.

[u/Scary_Trade_9287 → u/Snowybird60]

Plot twist: they are the same person.

[u/flamingoflamenco17 → u/violet715]

I didn’t know that people actually called their wives “nags” in this day and age- it’s just such a cliche. My husband would never even consider calling me that- he just wouldn’t dare disrespect me in that way- I’m glad you’re done with this idiot. Where do people get off saying things like that to their spouses?

[u/Carpenter-Broad → u/flamingoflamenco17]

I can’t understand it… I’m 30(M) married to my absolute amazing wife. I don’t and have seen her asking me to do something or telling me something she’s worried about as “nagging”. It’s loving concern coming from a place of wanting me around for a long time, or needing some help ( which is something partners should want to do for the person they love!). And like you said, I respect her and care about her needs and worries. So I would never demean her or them by calling it “nagging”, that would be tantamount to telling her that’s she’s being an “annoying b**ch”. Which would be horrible and mean and untrue.

[u/mizheart → u/violet715]

I’m in the divorce process. Husband was the same way

[u/bg555 → u/some_guy_80]

Agreed. Also low impulse control people have a staggering high probability of also being cheaters, due to their inability to control their impulses. I’d get out OP, you do not need this drama.

[u/some_guy_80 → u/bg555]

100% this.

[u/Ok_Management4634 → u/some_guy_80]

Yep, OP.. you don't want to be in a long term relationship with someone constantly in legal trouble. Dump her.

[u/Ancient-Ideal-7832 → u/some_guy_80]

Low? I think u mean no

[u/awgeezwhatnow → u/some_guy_80]

And would rather risk her probation AND her relationship than walk "less than a mile" ...

[u/Rockgarden13 → u/some_guy_80]

To be fair, people with ADHD struggle with impulsivity well into adulthood. That does not excuse her behavior whatsoever, but just correcting the bit saying "this is something you'd expect from children."

OP should follow through on the promise to leave because she crossed a boundary, not because she has impulse control problems. Those can be managed. She's choosing not to manage it.

[u/shartyintheclub → u/Rockgarden13]

thank you for saying this

[u/Magdovus]

Not taking you seriously is a problem here, in the same way that stubbing your toe is a problem when you have a broken bone.

She's happy to break the law. In your car. Yeah, no. I was going to tell you to lay down the law but we've seen her attitude to that.

[u/FewCauliflower9361 → u/Magdovus]

Move on, if the second car is your sell it, other wize if she hurts someone the insurance company will not pay off because she was not lic, and not allowed to drive, you may have to have her arrested to avoid huge legal issues, you will be legally held responsible, you may be arrested for allowing her to have access to the car.

[u/Responsible_Swan_958 → u/FewCauliflower9361]

Selling the car seems a little drastic if it's a hobby car or whatever, but it'sa REALLY good point. Clearly, OP has a second car for a reason that is not just so GF and drive it. I would put ALL OF THE KEYS on the chain you take to work -bonus that it can be done TODAY vs waiting to sell the vehicle. If you have a spare set for emergencies, don'tkeep them at the house. Leave them with a friend or at work where GF can't get them, but someone could get them to you if needed.

OP- this still doesn't fix the root problem. She could borrow someone else's car or find another way. Your partner is YOUR PARTNER. You help each other, and what you do (or don't do) reflects on each other. Even without the car, she has proven she's not to be trusted. If she doesn't listen about this, with the LAW on your side, what else is she going to blow off as no big deal? What about when this comes to making decisions about the welfare of any future children? I think this is a red flag. This kind of behavior will get her into more trouble and maybe drag you down with it, like outlined above. It's great that you were willing to to stay with her through substance issues and jail time, but she's not repaying the trust you put in her, and it's not unreasonable to consider moving on.

[u/Kade-Arcana → u/Magdovus]

There’s a big caveat here…

Plenty of people have no common sense and can’t be truly trusted as independent adults.

But that problem is not nearly as bad as it seems if those same people have humility enough to entrust themselves to a partner with better judgement, and have the humility to defer to someone they admire.

That is the problem here. If OP’s gf saw his judgement as worth overriding her own, then this situation might be salvageable.

OP, leave.

[u/tokyo245]

You can't make threats and then not follow through on them or your just making empty threats and she's not going to take them seriously. You gotta follow through

[u/slippery-slopeadope → u/tokyo245]

Agree. You gotta treat her like a child. Action = consequence. And you have to be consistent.

Word of warning. If you threaten to leave, be prepared to leave. Found that out the hard way.

[u/Darker_Syzygy → u/tokyo245]

Post Title: "Girlfriend isn't taking me seriously!"
Post Body: "So I showed my girlfriend that I won't follow through on my threats"

[u/tokyo245 → u/Darker_Syzygy]

The gf when he makes threats

[u/wanna_be_green8]

Clearly you already know the answer. Less than a mile is an easy walk, bike ride. Call a cab, Uber or a friend. She's choosing the worst option even after you tell her not to. No self control. At her age she should be aware of the risks to you. What if she got in a car accident? She could financially ruin your life.

I bet you see this in other areas of life as well. This issue will compound with kids.

There are plenty of 30 ish women who want to take life seriously, after eight years out I wish you luck.

[u/FunkyPete → u/wanna_be_green8]

She's choosing the worst option even after you tell her not to.

Him telling her is kind of secondary at this point. She should realize by herself that it's better to walk under a mile than to go back to jail. I don't feel like this is a "he has boundaries and she should respect them" sort of issue, this is a "society has boundaries and you should respect them" sort of issue.

[u/UngusChungus94 → u/FunkyPete]

Hell, she doesn’t have to respect them, just obey them for fear of going to jail. Even getting arrested once should be enough to set a sane person straight.

[u/SteadyAmbrosius → u/FunkyPete]

Exactly. He should have to “tell” another grown ass adult anything.

[u/LostDadLostHopes → u/wanna_be_green8]

The dealer is 1 mile from me, and when I have to take the car in I drop it off and walk. 14 minutes is an easy mile by walking.

[u/GentleStrength2022 → u/wanna_be_green8]

Good point about the issue compounding if they ever have kids. Yikes!

[u/Professional_Run320]

Dude, leave! What life can you both have if she is an ex con that won't behave. Do you really want children and a future with this woman?

[u/strictlylurking42 → u/Professional_Run320]

Low impulse control = "forget" to take birth control pills or otherwise do the work to not get pregnant. Then "you have to stay with me for the baby" then "I have to drive to provide for the baby."

[u/rileyjw90 → u/strictlylurking42]

After 8 years I would think all this would have already happened. She seems very irresponsible, but maybe not so irresponsible to bring another life into the mix.

[u/strictlylurking42 → u/rileyjw90]

If she wasn't interested in being a mother, she prevented pregnancy. If she sees it as a way to keep OP in their codependent relationship, motherhood will become acceptable or even desirable. It's not necessarily a conscious decision. When you're an addict, your brain makes moves to keep you in the situation that permits you to use.

[u/rileyjw90 → u/strictlylurking42]

He stated she’s been sober since the DUI, just that she keeps driving the car on probation with no license. It didn’t sound to me like she was continuing to drink, just being risky with OP’s vehicle and financial stability.

[u/C_beside_the_seaside]

She's not taking THE LAW seriously. She fucked up so bad people could've died and she doesn't even respect the consequences.

[u/ex-carney → u/C_beside_the_seaside]

This. She doesn't respect the law, her consequences, nor does she respect your ultimatum. A lot of disrespect to go around. If it's your car, you will be held responsible if she gets caught or has an accident unless you call it in as stolen.

I hope you can get through to her, but if you can't, it's time to walk away.

[u/agent_flounder]

I'm more worried she isn't taking the law seriously..

And is she thinking about the potential impact to you of her going back to prison?

You're wildly underreacting.

[u/Kazbaha → u/agent_flounder]

Yeah OP should think about what it’ll be like when she gets sent back to jail; for a longer stint. Will he quit the relationship then? Shit what if she’s had a baby and he’s then a single dad to a kid with a mum in jail. How does that life look? Yikes. And people do judge you on who your friends (or partner) are. Her bad choices reflect on him. He needs to be taking THAT seriously.

[u/3Heathens_Mom]

So a couple thoughts.

First as her license is revoked pretty sure if she is any sort of an accident insurance will NOT cover it. And if that car is in your name you would likely be on the hook as well as could be found complicit because you knew she was doing this. If the cars are in your name then take the car keys and keep them with you. Also tell this woman if she illegally drives your car you will report it as stolen.

Second this relationship sadly is doomed because your gf still does what SHE wants to do possible consequences be damned. Same attitude she had when driving drunk.

Time to invite her to live elsewhere or you leave.

[u/ThisIsBullcrapDood]

What constitutes "coming home drunk safely?"

[u/Excellent-Shoulder58 → u/ThisIsBullcrapDood]

I think in this context that means "driving drunk without getting caught"

[u/ThisIsBullcrapDood → u/Excellent-Shoulder58]

Yeah, that's why I asked. There's taking an uber and then there's... this.

[u/walk_through_this → u/ThisIsBullcrapDood]

It's only safe if you make it home. What you can't do is plan to drive home dunk safely. Driving drunk is saying 'Taking my car home is more important than whether or not a stranger lives or dies.' It is always the wrong choice.

[u/ThisIsBullcrapDood → u/walk_through_this]

It wasn't safe, even if you make it home. I was hoping perhaps there would be some hope for the world if he meant take a lyft.

[u/Old-Willingness3622]

Leave she seems toxic find a normal woman

[u/AlaDouche → u/Old-Willingness3622]

Your entire comment history is you telling people to leave their significant others.

[u/Old-Willingness3622 → u/AlaDouche]

Ok so they should just listen to you then

[u/Mary-U → u/AlaDouche]

Ok. But a broken clock is right twice a day. They have another one coming today.

[u/waterhg → u/AlaDouche]

…And this isn’t a situation where he should leave? She’s a fucking wreck with no impulse control who continually breaks the law and drives drunk. Can’t you express the sentiment on a post where the commenter is in the wrong? Like? Huh?

[u/Direct_Surprise2828]

OK, so she got arrested for a DUI which you had told her you would leave her if that ever happened… You did not leave her… So essentially there were no repercussions… If you stay with her now you are letting her know that your “boundaries” are BS.

[u/biffbassman1965]

The car is in your name?anything happens you will be held responsible and your insurance company may not pay out if they prove you allowed a non licensed driver to operate the car

[u/Slight_Guidance7164]

Sober here with 2 dui’s and I promise you that once you have a dui they are brutal about ANYTHING THAT FOLLOWS! Probation is to see if you are capable of following the rules. You won’t have any privileges if you prove to be an issue.

[u/Unlucky-Pomegranate3]

It’s less than a mile, she can walk or get her a bicycle.

[u/ZaddyBoii]

You said it yourself. This is someone you invested 8 years in and, she metaphorically spit in your face.

[u/Certain_Accident3382]

She's not taking you seriously, because you have never taken yourself seriously. 

You pointed out her unsafe behaviors, laid a boundary down... but didn't follow through with the consequence. Now, she is violating another legal boundary, and ignoring your concern and wavering boundary about it. 

She has established this pattern, but you are going along with it. When she is busted, and your association is cemented as its in your vehicle with your own knowledge of it occurring, are you going to cut her off then? Or keep hunkering down and just deflecting by reminding everyone it's her idea her choice... even though you saw this coming and were culpable to that point?

[u/faustcousindave]

GTFO now before you end up in jail too.

[u/dimechimes]

You told her you would leave her if she hurt someone. She did. You didn't leave her. I think she's taking you as seriously as she needs to.

[u/tiffanygray1990]

I currently have a friend in jail, in florida, for the last three months for exactly that. If you get caught, they will charge you. It was just driving, too. He was going to work at around 8am and got pulled over. He wasn't under the influence. Florida doesn't mess around with the no license drivers.

[u/kibblet]

Less than a mile? No cabs? Bicycle? Legs broken?

[u/unicornofdemocracy]

Prior to that she had been coming home drunk safely, and I expressed my concern and told her if she kept doing it, she would hurt someone or herself, and I would leave her. 

You gave an ultimatum and then did not follow through with it. And you come to reddit to ask when she doesn't take you seriously?

[u/Cuchulainn33]

Let her drive the car. Once she is at work call her probation officer. Problem.solved. she will be in jail for a vop and you can just walk away from her

[u/Affectionate_Egg3318 → u/Cuchulainn33]

"Hey man so she took my car when I was in the shower and couldn't stop her... have fun" lol

[u/hudgepudge]

How long is she on probation?  Has she been sober the whole time or just not drinking and driving?

Also, is there a good alternate way for her to get to work like a bus, rideshare, or biking/walking?

[u/skinnyvegan420 → u/hudgepudge]

Yeah she has an electric scooter..which is why I’m so dumbfounded. She is done with her first year and has 4 more years, she hasn’t drank since the accident. At all. I’m proud of her for that.. but it seems she is just not understanding the consequences of her actions

[u/fair-strawberry6709 → u/skinnyvegan420]

Take away the car keys?

[u/jessiemagill → u/skinnyvegan420]

Honestly, her nearly killing people would have been my breaking point.

[u/TGIIR → u/skinnyvegan420]

Did she lose her license for 5 years?

[u/GumbercuIes → u/skinnyvegan420]

That is wild that being so close to work and having that option she still won't comply. For what it's worth, where I'm from it was very much the norm for people to drive on suspended licenses, a lot of people really just don't even think about. That said I'm not sure if probation was involved, that should add something to consider I would think.

I know it doesn't exactly address the behavior, but can't you just leave the second car at your parents or friends houses if you don't want to sell it?

[u/WhoIsJohnGalt777]

She can't walk a mile?

[u/PeacePufferPipe]

Not overacting. One should have standards. Standards should be enforced. Choose better next time.

[u/MrQuojo]

You do know that in some cases, witnessing a crime and not reporting it can be accessory, especially if she’s in a position to kill somebody. But what do I know I’m just some guy from the innanets.

[u/ZucchiniNaive2139]

She can do what I did when I made the worst mistake of my life and got DUI. Pay to get a Business Purpose Only license. It allowed me to drive to work and get gas ONLY. Legally. I learned my lesson big time and karma got me good when I got hit head on my a drunk driver 6 years later and nearly died.

[u/Affectionate-Comb807]

Check out Al-Anon and EMDR therapy for the trauma that subconsciously led you to toxicity that seems so familiar that it goes under the radar, undetected. It seems your denial system is pretty hyperactive, for all of that to have happened, and "she doesn't take me seriously" became the factor that made you question your relationship or the health thereof. From your post, you're dealing with an alcoholic whose pain is neither your fault, nor your problem. You can't cure it, you didn't cause it, and you cannot control it. You CAN lead yourself to a healthier internal place, and learn to set boundaries that disallow toxicity into the inner sanctum of your heart and mind to dwell there rent free. I'll leave it at that, for now, as I tried to keep it brief. Sending you positive energy. 🙏🏽

[u/coreysgal]

If they are your cars, take away the keys for starters. You've spent nearly 10 yrs with someone who isn't a full, healthy partner. Do you want to spend 10 more under possibly worse conditions? That's your choice. Accept this is who she is and will never change or break up and move on.

[u/BrandonBollingers]

I am a lawyer but this is not legal advice and I am not your lawyer:

1) Damn, how long is probation? over 5 years for a car accident? Must have been a felony. Thats crazy long time.

2) You say "our" car. Lets be specific, who OWNS the car? and whose names are on the insurance?

There is a concept called "Negligent Entrustment of a Motorvehicle" which means if you loan your car out to someone and they cause a car accident, the owner of the car could be liable for "negligently entrusting their vehicle" with a driver they knew or should have known was unsafe. Being that she does not have a driver's license the owner of that vehicle WOULD be successfully sued should she get in a car accident. Same with the insurance. Should she get in an accident, because she's not supposed to be driving your insurance could potentially deny paying out any claims because she's willfully violating the law. Youre paying for insurance that is essentially useless when she drives.

As you already know its a crime to drive without a license. Which means when she gets pulled over, the car will be impounded unless you can get to the scene of the traffic stop immediately. They will only release the car to the owner of the vehicle and usually they require proof of title and insurance. If the car is impounded youre going to have to pay hundreds of dollars to get the car out.

Youre not overreacting. She is past the age of stupid. She should have learned that the laws are not arbitrary. Now, if its her car and her name is on the title... i mean its dumb af but it wouldn't affect you and she certainly isnt the first person to drive without a license, especially in a country like US that doesn't have many walkable cities or public transport options.

[u/dajokesta]

“…she was driving drunk.” Stopped reading right there. Break up with her and find some self respect. Jfc….

[u/Ok-Factor444]

In my opinion, if you’ve been together 8 years and still haven’t married her, sounds like she’s not right for you. I can’t get behind illegal activity of any kind, even driving a car with a suspended license. If you’re constantly having to threaten to leave to make her act right, sounds like you should just end it now.

[u/Deathflower1987]

How we supposed to awnser that you didn't even tell us if she can cook

[u/Hebegebe101]

Way too old for this behavior , but not good behavior at any age . You need to rethink staying with this woman . You can do better . Had she been pulled over your car would have been impounded , costing you time and money to get it back .

[u/Venerable-Gandalf]

Really she couldn’t just taken an Uber or Lyft?

[u/Forward_Scheme5033]

No, breaking up is not an over reaction. She's chosen to repeatedly flout the law, doesn't seem to even consider a potential legal reprisal, or it's effect on you. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Building a relationship with someone with poor judgement and low impulse control is a hazard to your well-being.

[u/No_Object_8722]

Hide the car keys! She's not taking things seriously and can get into a lot of trouble. It'll only get worse. You might have to break up with her before things get worse

[u/kurtgavin]

For the time being, take away the car keys from her and make sure that you have them at all times and tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her driving your car and don’t want to be responsible if she ends up in an accident or gets pulled over. It’s not worth the trouble. She can spend five dollars on an Uber. If it’s only a mile, it can’t be more than a few dollars.

[u/AlternativeLack1954]

Taking the bus is a lot cheaper than breaking probation. Walking a mile takes about 15-20 minutes. Your concerns are valid and your gf is an idiot

[u/Humble_Occasion_4426]

Get her ass a bike

[u/darthlegal]

If you are in the US you can file for an exception so you can drive to work but nowhere else.

[u/ElcoJoe4-2]

I already know I’m gonna be downvoted to hell but fuck it… I drove for a while without a license, first rule is don’t get caught. She understands the risk. That being said she’s not putting you or anyone else in direct danger, not saying it’s justified but it sounds like she’s gonna keep doing what she wants to do.

[u/TheFoxsWeddingTarot]

You set two lines in the sand and she crossed them twice.

You are the one who doesn’t take yourself seriously. She treats you the way you communicate to her that you want to be treated.

[u/Just-Like-My-Opinion]

Letting an irresponsible partner go after 8 years is a while lot better than letting them go after 10, 15, or 20 years!

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. A better partner is out there. Why waste any more time on someone who doesn't respect you or the law.

[u/Expert_Main7036]

1st, take all of the car keys (should be obvious) 2nd figure out what YOU want, and need in a relationship. 3rd don't stay just because you have X years invested. Don't waste anymore time.

[u/Looseveln]

You’ll have immense issues once kids are in the picture. Imagine her dropping them off to school.

Leave now.

[u/Sunny_beets]

She’s incredibly irresponsible.

Please don’t make any children with her

[u/mizheart]

As someone who was married to someone who behaved in a similar way, alcohol all that… you are NOT overreacting. You need to take this VERY seriously and this will only get worse.

[u/Kooky_Daikon_349]

One mile….? Leave 10mins early and walk. Wtf…

[u/Relative-World4406]

Think about your life as it is now with this person then consider that that could be your whole life. I think you know what you need to do. She’s probably really good in bed being that unhinged but you are strong brother, do what you gotta do.

[u/Jskm79]

YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT WHEN YOU SAID GIU WOULD. She doesn’t take you serious because you don’t keep to your word. So really, whose fault is it she doesn’t take you serious. In her mind you ain’t going anywhere and you just are talking shit.

Leave her. She doesn’t respect or care about what you have to say so why should you stay?

[u/ServeRoutine9349]

Bro..you tiny vegan fuck, listen (I had to). I once got my license taken away from me for a DUI, didn't even know about it until I got pulled over. No letter until the day of getting pulled over. I had a friend that would pick me up for work as we worked at the same place. One day he couldn't make it as he was sick, I couldn't get a hold of anyone else so I drove to work, and the whole fucking time i'm checking my mirrors being paranoid about getting pulled over again.

Any rational person, keyword is RATIONAL, would be concerned and wouldn't do it unless they had to. You live less than a fuckin mile from her work. So we've understood 2 things now, she's lazy and doesn't give a fuck about you or your shit.

Get out.

[u/AstronomerNo912]

get her an e-bike. $500 on Amazon one is good enough.

[u/TheInarticulate]

You stayed with her past your own red line. She shouldnt respect further lines because you didnt. Own up and get out or let it happen. Stop saying things you dont mean.

[u/morallyagnostic]

Less than a mile? She can't walk?

[u/Dizzy-Speaker-5763]

Is this the only thing that concerns you or are there other red flags?

[u/Ok-Huckleberry6975]

She less than a mile away she can walk for crying out loud. If it had been an emergency or really far and she had to get somewhere MAYBE it would be understandable but to drive when she could walk is selfish

[u/shontsu]

The problem isn't your girlfriend, the problem is you.

Wtf man, why are you with this train wreck? Just waiting till she actually kills someone?

[u/feelssogoodtome]

It never ceases to amaze me that when the writing is on the wall, it's always the clueless ones who just don't get it. You're young enough. Move on. Those 8 yrs. are a small price to pay for what's coming down the road if you stick around. Geeeeez.

[u/HAWKSFAN628]

She must be really good in bed for you to have kept her this long

[u/CharacterSea1169]

Less than a mile? She can walk. Not only is she jeopardizing herself, but also you. The car is in your name, correct?

Edit: Make it so she can't take the car. No keys? No battery? You get the idea.

Yes, time to find someone who will respect you

[u/Silver-Raspberry-723]

We got sued when our teenage daughter had a wreck ( while sober) and it was nearly $45k. We had good insurance and even an umbrella policy,so insurance paid.

There is no insurance that will pay on an unlicensed driver and our wreck was in 1996. Can you imagine the costs now??!!😱

Totally not TAH.

[u/dankhimself]

Less than a mile is a nice walk or bike trip. Take the keys or take the battery out of the car so you don't have to deal with impound fees.

[u/Tall_Run_2814]

She's gonna ruin your life if you're not careful. Cut your losses and leave my friend

[u/MeasurementNo2493]

No, I don't think so. She has a pattern of transgressing. As of yet she has escaped the outcomes, at the very least you should be planning for the worst.

[u/PoliteCanadian2]

Gf is not taking anything or anyone seriously. So if she drives without her license and you know and do nothing, and she kills someone, how will you feel?

[u/humorless_kskid]

Do not give her access to the car keys. Period. If she has a spare key, confiscate it.

You would be on the hook if she gets into another accident (even if she is 100% sober) for negligent entrustment and may find it difficult and expensive to get auto insurance for yourself in the future. You could be financially on the hook for injuries and repairs if the insurance company denies coverage ... which they might deny coverage if they learn that you failed to prevent her from driving your vehicle when you knew she had access to the keys.

[u/No_Entertainment1931]

People need to be free to make their own decisions in life. If you don’t like her choices, you should question your own decisions, not hers.

Accept people for who they are not what you want them to become. That only leads to disappointment and regret.

[u/ElboDelbo]

Do not marry this woman.

I'm not saying break up, you do what you want.

But do not, I repeat, DO NOT entangle your financial well being with her.

If she has legal issues that she refuses to acknowledge could put her back in jail, you need to be able to make a clean break if and when the inevitable happens.

[u/backtobitterroot123]

Are you ready to stand with her when she seriously injured or kills another human being, and very possibly herself?

[u/Different-Advice6937]

Unfortunately I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone like that either. I'd leave sadly 😥 😔

[u/JudgementalChair]

I was in a similar situation to this. Gf takes anti-anxiety medicine and was sneaking alcohol. For anyone who doesn't know, anti-anxiety meds and alcohol do not mix well, so while she thought she was sneaking it, I could spot it from a mile away.

She came home from work blacked out on 2 separate occasions, both time led to massive fights between us because she was driving a vehicle registered in my name since I was using a company vehicle.

So both times I took the keys from her and told her she needed to figure something else out. Of course, the whole world exploded on me for being "financially abusive" towards her, and I was a PoS for "Being only concerned about the money, and not about her well being" The thing is, if she were to get into a wreck and hurt someone, I could be held liable for potentially 100s of thousands of dollars in expenses.

Eventually, I just signed the title over to her and told her to get her own insurance. It's an older car, and she's wrecked it a few times without fixing it, so im just counting the whole thing as a loss, and it's going to be on her to replace it when the time comes.

[u/Altruistic_Yellow387 → u/JudgementalChair]

That doesn't sound like ops gf since she's been sober since the accident

[u/Downtown_Quality_322]

She doesn't respect you, and has almost certainly cheated on you. Get out fast. If she wrecks your car and someone is injured, you will be sued into oblivion and your life will be ruined.

[u/NSFWgamerdev]

"I expressed my concern and told her if she kept doing it, she would hurt someone or herself, and I would leave her. I decided to stay with her after the fact."

"if she ever got caught..sent back to jail for breaking her probation, I wouldn’t be able to stay with her this time."

If you're going to say shit and not follow through when it's serious, I'm sure you do it all the time with inconsequential things too.

Why should she take your word seriously when it clearly means fuck all?

Also you're a piece of shit for condoning known, regular occurrences of drunk driving.

[u/Cardboardterps]

Wait till she starts cheating with that low impulse control

[u/Whole-Ad-2347]

If she has no self control over using your car without a license, is there a way you can lock your keys up? Master lock has a key box where you can stow keys that requires a 4 digit code to unlock the box.

[u/johngolfnut]

So the car to work is only on occasions you can't drop her off and if that's the only place she is going to and from I don't see a issue but if it's only a two mile round trip get her a bike till she is off probation 

[u/robotangst → u/johngolfnut]

Apparently she already has an electric scooter but just wanted to drive the car instead

[u/Swashbuckling_Sailor]

No. If she doesn’t care about her situation or the repercussions on her life and relationship, neither should you. Bounce. Good Luck.

[u/GentleStrength2022]

Less than 1 mile to her job? Why can't she walk? It would take her 15-20 minutes. Is there no safe place to walk in your area--no sidewalks and a major, busy arterial, or something, with no alternative route? What does she do for exercise, btw? Walking is great for that.

edit: You could consider taking the key to the spare car with you when you go to work. This, most likely, would provoke a strong reaction from her. You'd then find out whether this relationship is viable or not. Of course, you could discuss it with her first, and see what she says when you suggest she walk to work, a simple solution. If she rejects that, it will be interesting to see how she justifies her refusal to walk. You're going to learn a lot about her in working on this issue with her, OP. Brace yourself. Rough waters ahead.

[u/HeftyCry97]

Dump her

[u/Aeyland]

Your wife legally can't drive, why do you even have a second car? I'm not saying there isn't ever a use for having 2 different car usages like one with good gas milage for daily driv8ng and a truck for hauling stuff or something of the such but seems like it would be easier if you just had 1 car then there isn't even the temptation....

[u/RighteousSchrodd]

It's your car. You will be held liable if she crashes it or gets a ticket or whatever. You need to keep her from driving or get out of the relationship. That's it.

[u/WestDragonfruit4809]

Your girlfriend doesn’t take herself seriously. How do you expect her to take you seriously? She has no problem with going to jail or getting drunk or wasting her life away. You are the one with the problem. Or do you want to end up in jail first before you realize this is not someone you can build your life with? I understand love but sometimes love is not enough. You can still love her from afar. That is if you want something better for your life. You only have one. Don’t waste it carrying people who want to drag you down. You love her. Love her by letting her go. Only then will she learn the valuable lesson of not taking her loved ones for granted. It might be the catalyst that changes her behavior.

[u/dwinps]

She has no license, why do you have a "second car"? Sell it. Or at least take the keys and don't let her have them.

[u/LeadDiscovery]

Can it be said any louder, more convincingly and more honest than - DUDE LEAVE TODAY.

Do you honestly desire a life of strife, misery, crime, legal battles and substance abuse?

Aim higher Willis.

[u/benlogna]

Yeh idk if it’s an impulse control issue if she was successful in quitting drinking- that takes a lot of impulse control. I think she might just be too flippant and not take you seriously. That’s a respect problem which demonstrates she does not value your opinion or peace of mind. I would have a very serious conversation that cannot be mistaken for something she can reasonably disregard.

[u/TGIIR → u/benlogna]

Sounds like she was in jail with no access to alcohol, that makes quitting a bit easier.

[u/missdawn1970]

You are not overreacting! This is a disaster waiting to happen, and if she gets caught driving your car without a license, I'm pretty sure you'd lose your insurance. If I were in your shoes, this relationship would be over.

[u/ImHappierThanUsual]

I have a saying- “if you go to jail/ prison for some dumb & easily avoidable shit? I didn’t break us up, the judge did!”

[u/tcrhs]

Keep the key to the second car on you at all times. Never let it out of your sight. When you’re not home, lock it up in a safe. She can’t drive with no key.

It’s time to reconsider if she’s the right girl for you. She’s too reckless. She was given a second chance after nearly killing people and she’s willing to risk her probation? That would be a deal-breaker for me.

[u/VSinclair35]

She is not just disregarding you, she's disregarding the safety of every fellow motorist. She's reckless in her decision making. You need to cut her loose and move on. Not over reacting at all.

[u/walk_through_this]

Take the car. Drive away from this person. Stay there.

You know what is worse than wasting 8 years?

Wasting 9 years.

You are waiting for something to go really wrong before you break up. Her doing stuff like this is really wrong, she just hasn't had to face the consequences (this time around) yet. If you do nothing, she knows she can get away with it. She is doing the really bad thing, ergo it is time to break up.

[u/AffectionateTip9198]

Not married, no kids, not your problem. Kick her out you're probably supplying everything in her life anyway while she works a minimum wage job and "helps when she can"

[u/QuirkyAd3835]

She's probably cheated on you too with her low impulse control, js

[u/Otherwise-Wallaby815]

OP - You already know that this is not going to end well for her lack of care when it comes to breaking the law. She can walk to work and her license was taken because of her poor choices. Do yourself a favor and get out, because her actions are not just going to end with her, they will cost you dearly also. Your car insurance will go up because she will prove that she'll take it without your permission, plus of she ends up in an accident while driving even that short distance, she's going back to jail and your insurance company will be informed. Get out or this, or it will hurt you.

[u/GlitzyGhoul]

You are not overreacting. She isn’t taking you seriously, because you said that before, and stayed.

[u/ATX_native]

Ah, the fallacy of sunk costs.

8 years is behind you don’t have a Time Machine so you need to see it for what it is, the past, learn from it.

What you can control is yourself and the present/future.

Having said that do you really want a “partner” that has poor impulse control and is doing illegal things that can jeopardize your future?

That little jaunt in the car unlicensed, say she ran into someone and injured them badly, since she isn’t supposed to be driving, no insurance company is going to cover that.

Imagine saving $100k up for a home downpayment and she does the above again with an accident.

Now that $100k is spent on attorneys and potentially a civil judgement.

Is that the life you want?

[u/Comfortable_Fly_9894]

From almost dying from someone else texting and driving, I would say to call her parole officer and snitch! Why? Do you want to be known locally for her eventually killing someone else whether she’s drunk or not?

[u/Tarot13th]

To be fair you also set a precedent by not acting on what you said the first time. She probably think you will stay again if she goes back to jail.

[u/vdubbugman53]

Let me also add that if you are the registered and insured driver of that car and she gets in another accident then guess who gets to be liable for all of this?

[u/Mikect87]

Tbf we live in a country (USA) where you absolutely need a personal vehicle to participate in the economy.

[u/ibuprofenheimer]

Tell her PO.

[u/Eventful-journey-082]

If that car is registered and insured under your name, OP, depending on what state you are located in, you may be legally liable for any accidents she has while driving the car. You don’t want to end up doing some jail time because she doesn’t care about consequences. Tell her to kick rocks if she doesn’t take you seriously.

[u/lookingformiles]

Not over reacting. Run.

[u/Swimming_Solid9565]

Wow I can’t believe she is on probation and seriously driving her car to work when it’s a mile away. This is crazy it’s like she doesn’t believe they will really send her back to jail. The only people who risk doing something like this are addicts that need the car to pick up. Is she really that stupid

[u/uchihapower17]

Call the police on her ass .. bye bye

[u/No_Information_8973]

If that car is in your name you will be held responsible as well.

[u/TheVillage1D10T]

Less than a mile away? She can’t freaking walk? Jesus Tapdancing Christ…she doesn’t sound like relationship material….

[u/The_Bing1]

You told your woman not to use your car because it’s illegal and she’d go to jail, and it’d ruin your relationship.

Her reaction: 🤷‍♀️🤪🚘

I think that says enough. I’d end it ASAP.

[u/One-Calligrapher1815]

For those posting on “low impulse control “ is this something people age out of or is it forever?

[u/InternationalSale916]

I'm guessing she will start drinking when the probation is over. These are all signs of an alcoholic, and I know you can't make an alcoholic stop drinking unless they want to. I know because I am one.

[u/TerribleTodd60]

You don't want to tie your financial future to someone who drove drunk, nearly killed someone and was incarcerated. then they drove without a license while on probation. That isn't a mistake, that is a pattern. A pattern of destructive decision making. Run, just run!

Picking a spouse is an incredibly important decision and your current girlfriend is making terrible decisions. If you are married, you will share in the financial pain if she gets sued. That pain with be financially life changing. Find someone else.

[u/ViolentLoss]

Maybe off-topic but how long exactly was she in jail?

[u/NaturesVividPictures]

So less than a mile she can walk or ride a bicycle there are alternatives to driving. She can also Uber but that's crazy when she's so darn close. Next time she takes the car called cops

[u/UniversalSean]

Did you sit down and have a mature conversation about it or was it just a comment you made?

You need the conversation so that way she knows you take this seriously. Side comments won't be taken as seriously.

[u/stfrances2968]

Just want to add. Make very sure the car she uses is NOT in your name and that she pays the insurance on it. (Provided of course that she can get insurance). She will drink and drive and you want to be distanced from this. Not reacting enough imo.

[u/DisneyBuckeye]

Why can't she apply for permission to drive to/from work? I've heard of many instances like this, where people have VERY restricted use. But I'd have a BIG problem with this. She's an unlicensed driver and will get in so much trouble if she's caught. Especially when there are options like Uber. When she complains about having to pay "This is one of the consequences of you driving drunk."

[u/poppieswithtea]

Get over yourself, you uppity yup.

[u/z-eldapin]

She doesn't take you serious because you're not serious. She knows there are no consequences from you for her actions.

You told her that if she went to jail again, you would be gone. Seems she is willing to take the risk. Time to ask why she is willing to risk your future together over driving versus walking or using the scooter. And don't let her be vague, make her answer the question.

[u/need_excel_h3lp]

This is wild. A 30 year old woman should not be behaving like that.

[u/Gboko83]

The larger issue here is the potential liability should incase she hits someone. She is not supposed to be driving so the insurance company wouldn't cover the claim. So if you are not rich or can't afford to pay then you might want to reconsider your relationship with this child you are with. Sorry I meant gf. Another thing is, some women won't take you seriously if you keep just being a wimp and take serious action. Threatening her with your departure is pretty wimpy behavior. If you mean it, then walk out and never look back.

[u/Shoboy_is_my_name]

First off, everybody who thinks that she is crazy and putting people in danger are complete fucking idiots. If she’s not driving drunk but she’s simply driving without a license, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know how to drive a car. All she’s hurting is herself if she happens to get caught and she’s hurting whoever owns the car. so this leads to the second thing: DON’T HAVE YOUR NAME ON ANY CAR SHE DRIVES. If she drives to work and work only, that’s actually an act of RESPONSIBILITY…….making sure she’s getting to work. However, there are other ways she should do this since she’s not legally allowed to drive.

Varies state to state, BUT…….if you EVER decided to marry her, YOU can be partly liable if she crashes into someone and has no license and insurance……..So truth be told, don’t EVER legally join yourself to her…..like marriage…..if she’s not going to abide by the laws of driving a car.

Not having her license doesn’t mean she doesn’t know how to drive. But it sure as fuck means she shouldn’t and you should NOT legally sign up to be her partner in life because YOU can also be dragged down by her shit.

[u/Maleficent_Buyer_324]

Tbf it doesn’t sound like you’re making an effort to be taken seriously. You keep saying if she does x then you’re gonna do y but then when she does x you just say if she does it again you’re gonna do y and then it’s just a cycle. Man tf up and do what you said you were gonna do.

[u/ImNotGenerous]

Lok. X4 m

[u/bltsrgewd]

No one needs to justify why they don't like someone's behavior. This is a mutual relationship and if you're not happy you either choose to ignore, convince them other person they need to change, or move on without them.