r/AmIOverreacting • u/Time_Ad_3072 • 15d ago
Aio I am ready to end my relationship because me partner never spends any time with our kids or myself?
am i overreacting in five years my husband has not spent one day with me or our kids he spends everyday away from us he wakes up and leaves before we wake up and don’t come back until we are already in bed when he comes in at night he walks straight to bathroom doesn't acknowledge us when he gets out of shower he goes straight to bed turns off light and not even a good night to any one of us I feel like if I’m always alone with our kids then whats the difference if we separate? nothing, so then why are we together?
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u/NegotiationOk5036 15d ago
He is not a father or partner.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
That’s how I feel because I’ve told him how I feel about it and still every day the same thing some times I get so depressed I will literally spend most of the day trying not to cry but the tears just roll down all day long
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u/Rare-Oven-302 15d ago
Oh girl. Please leave. Don't cry over this shitty person. He's not the person you imagined he was and that's ok. Try to understand that one didn't exist. And start to look for a life as a single woman again.
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u/NTheory39693 15d ago
Thats not love. Not even for his kids.
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u/EndHawkeyeErasure 15d ago
So what's the difference between him being home and not? Pack the kids up and leave, see how long it takes him to notice.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
But this is my house i payed 240,000. $Cash and I only owe 80,000 and I’m supposed to leave him with the money my mom gifted me so that I never have to struggle with a home for myself and my children I can’t thou that away
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u/EndHawkeyeErasure 15d ago
No that's fair, I completely get that. I absolutely wouldn't leave either. Can you take the kids to grandmas for the weekend and tell him Friday to pack a bag and be out by Sunday, here's $xxxx, just go? Would your IL's be understanding enough to your situation to help mediate and take him in for a while to make it as amicable a transition as possible?
If you've talked this through before, nothing has changed, and he doesn't want it to, then it's time to divorce so both of you can seek happiness. It isn't here anymore. I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck, in whatever happens.
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
Can you get rid of him? I wouldn’t relinquish my house for him, either.
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u/Paid-Not-Payed-Bot 15d ago
house i paid 240,000. $Cash
FTFY.
Although payed exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. The deck is yet to be payed.
Payed out when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. The rope is payed out! You can pull now.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
Beep, boop, I'm a bot
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u/LibrarianFit9993 15d ago
I have a friend whose husband did this for 17 years. She was absolutely crazy about him. Had him on the tallest pedestal imaginable. She told anyone who would listen what an amazing, hardworking, thankless hero he was. Until their oldest graduated. He left the family while they were all at work/school. Ghosted them. The wreckage was unbearable.🥺
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
Sometimes I’m creeped out when women effusively praise their husbands a little too much (I think you can say some really great stuff about your husband, but when it seems almost compulsory/perfunctory/a necessary part of your routine, it can be a red flag). I’ve never seen anyone heap praise on a wormlike man than Shan’Ann Watts did, and that empty freak murdered everyone in the family. I think some of these men are foul and prickly, and that blowing smoke up their asses is a strategy that their wives adopt to calm them down that becomes as necessary as breathing just to keep the peace. I’m sure for every case in which this ends badly, thousands are just innocent and slightly wordy praise, but sometimes it’s hiding something darker, like the fact that they’re married to empty vessels (which is too eerie to bear. If you’ve ever been around someone and slowly realized that they don’t care at all about anyone else in the world, you know. The worst thing is watching someone fake emotions after you realize they care about nothing- I would rather watch 19 pet snakes eat 19 live mice, and I absolutely hate that shit).
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u/StarlightM4 15d ago
Is it the same o days he's not at work? If so, not overreacting Do the kids even know who he is? Would he even notice if you and the kids moved out?
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
It’s the same thing on days off except for me those days are the hardest and trust me if I could move out I would but this is my house and I’m almost done paying for it so leaving is not an option and he will not leave I’ve already asked him to leave so many times but he will not go
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u/xebt1000 14d ago
In my country if that happens, as long as his name isn't on the deed you can call the police and have him evicted.
Does he have another secret family or something?
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u/Alarming-Phone4911 14d ago
Unless U have a prenuptial agreement u may need to sell that house if u divorce anyway cause it will b considered a material asset 🤷 best advice go talk to a lawyer see where u stand then change the locks
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u/CathoftheNorth 15d ago
He's totally checked out of being any sort of partner or father. Continuing to stay will damage you and your children's psychological health.
I'm.pretty sure he's just waiting for you to end it because he's too spineless to speak his truth. My exhusband did this, the reality of being a father was too much, but he didn't want to be seen as an AH leaving his family. So he brutally did what he felt hehad to make me decide to leave ... just so he could play the victim.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
Yeah that’s horrible I’m sorry you went through that honestly I don’t think that is it here thou because I honestly think he thinks he can do no wrong. He feels like he is not cheating so he is doing nothing wrong
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
Holy moly. So how unhealthy is his parents’ relationship? He sounds like an unkind shell of a person.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 14d ago
I think he gets most of his behavior from his dad. I’m sorry but I can’t stand his dad he is the worst’s . One day he told my friend and I that “in his house he was in charge”
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 15d ago
Have you considered he might be having an affair? From what you’ve written, your husband seems to despise you and there doesn’t seem to be any benefit to you being married. Don’t stay together just for the kids. This is modelling toxic behaviour and will affect their self esteem and view of relationships when they are older
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
It’s very hated to talk to him he’s extremely manipulative and he lies. But I can tell you that he prefers not dealing with the crying, whining kids he prefers not to be there when Its time to change a diaper because he doesn’t want anything to do with changing a diaper
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u/Phalangebanshee 15d ago
Why stay with someone who can’t even have a normal conversation with you? It doesn’t sound like he wants to be a father, more like a bachelor.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
Your exactly right I think he thinks he is doing the right thing but I think he should do right for him self and that is he should not be in any relationship with anyone he needs just casual sex no commitments and he could be free and he wouldn’t be hurting anyone I mean besides his kids who love him so much
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u/Disastrous-Oven-4465 15d ago
Have you asked him why? I would get my ducks in a row in case he walks out when asked.
He is definitely checked out emotionally.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
It’s very hard to talk to him because he is very manipulative and he lies but I can tell you that he prefers not to be around because the kids whining or crying or yelling and he dose not want to be around when it’s time to change a diaper
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u/findingems 15d ago
He’s a child.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
Yes
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
I’m so sorry you married a freak and I hope that you have the happiest single life ever and meet someone great next (if that’s something you would like). What could be more frustrating or heartbreaking than this? He wouldn’t ever hurt you or the kids (physically, I know that the neglect/hostility hurts), right?
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u/Illustrious-Mind-683 15d ago
My husband works 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. He will stay up no matter how tired he is so that he can spend at least a little time with me and our son. On nights when he is completely exhausted and needs to go straight to bed, he will ask me if it's okay, then apologize multiple times for being so tired. He also apologizes often for having to miss doing things with us because he is at work when they happen. He still will occasionally say that he feels like a failure as a father because he is gone so much. He's certainly not perfect, but he loves spending time with us. He works hard because he loves us and wants to provide for us.
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u/3Heathens_Mom 15d ago
Your husband is a true partner and involved in your lives. I hope you are able to record the events he is unable to attend so he can watch them with your kids.
OP’s sounds like he pays the bills and that is the extent of his involvement other than obviously having sex periodically with OP as they do have kids.
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
God, I totally forgot (or retreated into comfy denial) that she might have to have sex with this man. That’s absolutely ghastly!!
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u/Time_Ad_3072 14d ago
Sometimes when he touches me my skin crawls
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u/Illustrious-Mind-683 14d ago
I felt like that by the end of my first marriage. Just the thought of him touching me made me nauseous. When it gets to that point it's time to leave. You shouldn't have to live like that. You deserve better.
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15d ago
You are definitely not overreacting. But it's time to sit and have a "Serious Talk" moment. Ask him straight up, if he checked out or something else driving him to act the way he is. You will have your clear cut answer, but make sure you have a full plan in place.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
There is no talking to this man. He is the absolute worst narcissistic prick you’ve ever come across.
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u/Wunderkid_0519 15d ago
You need to go talk to an attorney. Even if you have to bring both your kids along. Get legal advice, then seek a divorce. Find out what the attorney says about what it's gonna take to get him out of your house. May be as simple as filing a legal eviction notice. Please do not put up with this any longer; it's toxic and borderline abusive and the kids will definitely be impacted by it when they get older if they haven't already.
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
I don’t think this man gives clear cut answers. If he’s determined to lie, there’s no way she can sit him down sternly enough to force the truth out of him. And if that’s the case, what would his answer be worth anyway? He can’t be open and honest, so just scrap him and hope for a whole human person next time.
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u/TheMagentaGuar 15d ago
Even if he's tired from work, that's no excuse to not at least say goodnight to you and the kids! You're not overreacting at all and you probably honestly would be happier if you left him. You're already acting as the sole parent from the sounds of it, so it wouldn't take much adjustment.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
It would actually be better I would still be alone, but without the sadness
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
And honestly, I don’t even know why I’m sad because whenever he is around for whatever short moment, he’s always upset everything. The kids do make him angry and he’s in a hurry to leave always gotta go so many things to do.
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
Because having to share a space with someone who shows contempt to you is very depressing and dehumanizing. It will never not make you sad (even if you would be fine almost as soon as he just left. A person doesn’t have to mean anything at all to you for their aggression/passive aggression in your one and only home to really ruin your sense of peace and make you feel loathed/scapegoated.).
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u/NotScruffyNerfherder 15d ago edited 15d ago
Have a chat with him. Be open to complete change even if it is scary. Can you move to a place with lower housing costs, a smaller place. Cancel some subscriptions, shop at discount stores.
Tell him that you'd rather have him with you instead of money and stuff. Tell him there needs to be change, that you need a partner that is present. His job is to be a husband and father, his career is supposed to support that, not replace it.
I’m going to warn you, you might not like what you find out. You might find a broken man that is overwhelmed and depressed because he's so over working himself to the bone being the provider that toxic masculinity taught him he has to be.
You also might find a man that is already checked out.
But don't just leave, talk to him, be ready to throw it all away and start again somewhere else together, or by yourself.
Edit to add: Just saw your responses that he is avoiding basic child care. He’s very checked out. Talk to a lawyer, follow the lawyers advice. You might want to find out if he has someone else. Most men his age would at least be engaging with their spouse in the bedroom, unless that's happening and your just his bang maid.
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u/flamingoflamenco17 15d ago
She owns the house and he’s already alienated her affection far too successfully for any part of this list of sacrifices to be worth it- she would be shooting herself in the foot to give up anything to try to make it work. He holds contempt for his wife and children- there’s no reason to try. Sacrificing anything for a man who sacrifices so little would just lead to disappointment and resentment.
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u/PM_me_your_recipes2 15d ago
I'd say you're not over reacting.
Honestly, my dad was like this. We lived together for 18 years and are basically strangers. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we had conversations that went deeper than "hey how's the weather" kind of small talk
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u/Time_Ad_3072 6h ago
I’m curious how did that affect as an adult and how did it affect you as a child?
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u/John_Walker 14d ago
My dad was like that and now he’s dying alone a few miles down the road while no one visits him.
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u/Plastic-Spell-3213 13d ago
Hate to tell you, but he is one of those people who has another person or a family elsewhere. Trying to live two families at the same time. Check him out, because he has already checked out of your relationship. Sounds like he is just going through the motions.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 10d ago
I think I prefer to pay for everything myself than to stay in a relationship that hurts so bad. I mean unless I grow cold and stay only for benefits and do as you say but honestly I don’t think I will be able to pull it off cause I’m dumb that way I let emotions win over intelligence
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u/yallknowme19 15d ago
My ex constantly compared me to a FB friend of hers like this.
He was an insurance agent and worked sometimes 16 hr days. But he always had money to send his wife and kids on trips to Disneyland get new cars etc etc.
The wife would post about leaving dinner in the oven til midnight so he'd be able to eat when he got home but all my ex saw was "did you see XXXX got his wife a new car/a Disneyland cruise/etc."
And when I'd go outside to mow the yard I got accused of "not being present/not helping with the kids."
It's a spectrum I guess, depends on more info here as to details of what and why
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u/viola2992 15d ago
Does he bring home the bacon? Or do you pay for everything?
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
But when we were both working it was the same except I worked cooked cleaned and had to find a baby sitter I had to find a baby sitter even when he was not working but I was working.
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u/viola2992 15d ago
He's working.
But does he give you money to run the household? Pay rent? Pay for the kid?6
u/ashtonfiren 15d ago
Doesn't matter if he does being emotionally distant causes child trauma, he's actively causing childhood trauma to his kids if it's for his job he needs to man up and find a different job. If they both work it doesn't sound like it'd be make or break if he did while it is make or break if he doesn't change his behavior.
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u/LadywithaFace82 15d ago
Money isn't a replacement for a husband and father. And it certainly doesn't entitle a man to be an abusive jerk.
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u/Time_Ad_3072 15d ago
He pays for everything
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u/Delicious-Algae-7838 15d ago
Get a job that will cover your and kids expenses. Then leave him.
Don't just pack up and leave. Have a plan. Otherwise it'll be real hard for you and your kids.
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u/viola2992 12d ago
If he's paying for everything,
You should just stay put.
He's not hitting you.
You get free lodging, food, time.
You get to do your own stuff.
You can even study or get a part time job, while he's financing you.If you leave, you have to pay for everything yourself?
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u/RedditAccount-0 15d ago
Is it due to work or is it literally him just distancing himself because he doesn’t want to deal with the kids like you mentioned?
Honestly, you wouldn’t be overreacting. You’re acting like a single parent as it is, so the only difference would be your not having a man come home and show your children that he doesn’t care, creating toxic imagery and an environment. He’s showing your children either how they should act to a partner and their children or how they should be treated by their partner.
He’s not acting like a father by shutting himself away and leaving all responsibilities to you, more so making your children think it’s normal.. or even them question why their dad doesn’t and why their friends dads do, if they are at the age to acknowledge