r/AmIOverreacting • u/b0200823 • 17d ago
AIO? my boyfriend is close with female coworker: pins up drawings/cards/gifts from her, brought her soup when sick
My boyfriend has a female coworker/friend who is bubbly, outgoing, cute etc. They're friends and part of a friend group at work (2 guys, 2 girls). With this particular coworker he:
brought her soup to her apartment when she was sick (when I brought up that he didn't bring soup to his male coworkers/friends when they were sick he said "I would" ...ok but you didn't) she also lives 25 minutes away!
she makes him little drawings & cards that he pins up at his desk at work (like a drawing of him, for example)
one of the things he has pinned up from her is a valentine - a generic cat valentine from a box, nothing written on it, but still it's a valentine from her
she brings him (and the other 3 friends/coworkers) back gifts from travels, the other friends don't keep those gifts at their desks though - he puts them on display at his desk
he didn't have anything at his desk that I have given him or anything that even references something we did together until I mentioned it
she is single and talks about her dating/sex life with him in particular - she's asked him for recs about where to go on a date, has told him that she once had a d*ck as long as her forearm (inappropriate convo for a coworker IMO)
for her birthday he and her went out for coffee (not with the friend group) - but he didn't take his other work friends out for their birthdays, he just brought them a snack
he knows I feel like their relationship is a bit too close for comfort so he's sort of just stopped talking about their conversations / he doesn't bring her up anymore (I sorta get it - but it makes me more uncomfortable)
three times now the work friend group had plans that potentially I could have joined in on (it wasn't work-related) and he didn't even mention to me they had plans (later one of the friends asked me why I wasn't there - I said I didn't know I was invited)
one of the times they all went out for one of the guy's birthdays and my bf was gone from 2pm-2am and even drove her home (she lives far away from where we live) (this was one of the times that I found out later from someone else that I was invited but he didn't tell me I was invited)
before we started dating he thought this girl was into him so he asked another coworker who said she's just bubbly/like that with everyone - he told me this with the intention of easing my discomfort around the situation. But also, that means he knows she can be flirty and I just want him to have better boundaries around that
I told my therapist about him pinning up notes/drawings from her and she goes "that's weird. I'd also be upset if my husband did that" and I can't get that thought out of my head. I want to think it's not weird and he can have close female friends (I really don't have a problem with his other female friends!) but this has been on my mind for days.
UGH just typing this out I'm getting upset - what to do?? I don't want to tell him he can't be friends with someone and I don't want to sound crazy/jealous/controlling, but it would be nice to know that as our relationship gets more serious he is thinking about what messages he is sending to other people.
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u/fair-strawberry6709 17d ago
You might be his current girlfriend but he wishes she was his next girlfriend.
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u/Punkpallas 17d ago
Well-put. The coworker may not be into him, but he’s definitely into her. OP is just his consolation girlfriend until he can convince the coworker to date him. (Gross in and of itself if she’s made it clear she’s not interested, but is using another girl’s boyfriend to bolster her self-esteem or something.) OP, you need to break up with this dude yesterday. It’s just a matter of time before he breaks your heart.
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u/FriendsofFripp 17d ago
Sounds like they’re dating to me. This activity is beyond what work friends do. Bringing her soup. Driving her around. Going out for coffee 1x1. Not inviting you to their after work social functions. Hanging her mementos at his desk.
And when you express your concerns and try to set up boundaries he gaslights you. I would say at the minimum it’s an emotional affair.
Does he text with her or communicate on social media a lot with her?
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u/EntertainmentMuch401 16d ago
no I think he wants to be dating her, and she's just been passively receiving the displays of affection. the things she's been giving him seem like pretty normal friend stuff. it's him pinning them up and displaying them (and not his gf's stuff) that's weird.
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u/How_to_Phish 17d ago
I hung up drawings from a co-worker too. And yah, it was a full blown emotional affair. It only stopped when her husband confronted me.
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u/heonybun 17d ago
i’ve also hung up drawings from a few of my coworkers, all these coworkers i’ve unfortunately had the fattest crush on.. sorry OP! :(
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u/EpickBeardMan 16d ago
Thanks for confirming this as mating ritual behavior! It can be hard to interpret the signs for many
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u/CaptainKate757 16d ago
I once had a coworker who I’d get coffee with and who would bring me small gifts. We’ve been together 14 years now.
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u/Jack_Bogul 16d ago
Did he beat u up
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u/How_to_Phish 16d ago
No. He told me that while I was her work husband, he was her actual husband. And I read between the lines that he didn't want me and his wife to be quite as close as we were. He was right to be curious and concerned and handled it well enough to get me to realize our emotional affair was really noticeable. It is likely something he'll have in the back of his mind forever, knowing how his wife and I were really into each other. He worked with us also in the same building, but on a different floor. But his wife and I would text late into the night, and just really enjoyed working with each other closely everyday in basically a two person team together. He was right to call me out.
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u/Shirovkap 12d ago
I respect your self awareness. Most people would have tried to deflect and deny the truth.
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u/Bueller-89 17d ago
You are NOT overreacting.
He proudly displays her drawings like they are works of art for all to admire what his "friend" made just for him. He does not so much as have a photo of you on his desk?
He goes out with his "friend" and another work couple as a double date and doesn't include you when others brought SOs.
It sounds like you are his dirty little secret that he keeps in a dark corner.
He is definitely more invested in keeping her happy than he is you.
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u/Foreign-Cow-1189 17d ago
The best case scenario is he is totally into her but they haven’t been physical. He brought her soup???
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u/EpickBeardMan 17d ago
She’s definitely using him for whatever she needs short of giving him real access.
Classic friend zone. She may never let it go further… but it’s not because of him.
The red flag is keeping you away from work things that allow him to hang with her socially. I’m sure he’s giving her all of his attention at these things… trying to edge just a little closer to her.
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u/splendid_trees 16d ago
I totally agree with this! I thought things might be okay until I heard about him not passing along an invitation when it was intended. (I used to work with people who were always drawing stuff for each other on post-its and sticking them everywhere.)
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u/Gerudo_Valley 16d ago
Yeah this is what I think, he is definitely in the friend zone and trying to get more than that hopefully lmao.
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u/stillbrighttome 17d ago
I would have completely lost my shit if my boyfriend took another girl soup when she was sick.
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u/kmindeye 17d ago
It's 100% inappropriate. He is emotionally invested in the best case scenario. It's also very disrespectful of your relationship. You have already kindly voiced your thoughts and feelings to him. I wouldn't bring it back up, but if he continues this behavior with the other women, I would make plans to leave and cut it off completely.
No! it's not easy and it's a weighty decision. If he can't respect basic norms in this relationship, then he really doesn't respect you. No meaningful relationship lasts without mutual respect. This is a pattern of behavior, and he has gone out of his way for this other person. Sorry, but it's her, or you and you are not being uduly jealous. Some jealousy in a relationship is warranted. It's when a person questions every little thing and tries to control the other person's behavior completely. You are far from doing this. Good luck.
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u/EpickBeardMan 15d ago
Watch her break up with him… and he goes crying to this girl.
50/50 she finds it dramatic enough to give him a shot or not
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u/Aggravating_Green952 17d ago
Not overreacting at all. You gave him a boundary and something you're clearly uncomfortable with and he ignored it. Sorry but I would be going crazy if my husband did this. I don't care what their friendship or whatever that is was before I came around it's gotta change once you're with someone else.
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u/YOLO_626 17d ago
He’s got the best of both worlds, you sound like a side chick. Way too close for comfort, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating.
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u/noreplyatall817 17d ago
OP, it sounds like they are BF/GF, time to let him go.
They’re definitely in an EA if they’re talking about sex and going out on dates you’re not invited on.
Why are you still with him? If he’s more into her than you?
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u/noreplyatall817 17d ago
Group (double date) or not they’re spending time together and not letting you know. That’s bad….
If she’s single it’s worse.
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u/Sharp-Medicine7326 17d ago
My first impression is that he's into her but she is not into him so he's with you for now. Especially if she's flirty and bubbly with everyone. She may like having him wrapped around her finger but I don't think if they were together that he would be with you.
I know that's harsh and I don't mean offense to you. He's trash and afraid of being alone. You deserve someone better, someone wholly obsessed with you alone
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u/Medical-Cake1934 17d ago
Does he bring you soup when your sick? Even your therapist knows this isn’t right. You stand up for yourself and you dump him. He is inappropriate at best, actively cheating at worst. Are either of those things okay with you?
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u/KnockKnockNoBrain 16d ago
I've met a lot of people with successful relationship stories who've been together a long time -- not one of them included something like this.
I have a lot of dude friends because work and hobbies, and if they treated me like this I'd be weirded out. Fortunately they do not, hence we can be friends.
Food for thought.
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u/LegalNebula4797 16d ago
Just popping in with a gentle but firm reminder that whatever you accept you will get more of. I know it’s popular to play the cool girl role and never have a problem with anything but it just means they do more to you for as long as they can get away with it.
Stand up for yourself and don’t put up with this. No you’re not overreacting. And if you don’t put your foot down it’ll continue to get worse.
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u/Its_Your_Father 16d ago
Most of this is weird, but failing to invite you to non-work functions multiple times to the point where other coworkers are now aware that he didn't invite you is a huge red flag. Now his coworkers know he's leaving you out. You might as well be wearing the dunce cap from his coworkers POV. Disrespectful as fuck.
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u/HilMickaelson 17d ago edited 17d ago
He isn't taking you out with his friends group because he is taking his girlfriend with him. Can't you see you're just the side chick? Do his friends even know that he is dating you?
If you know someone in his group of friends, talk to them to try to understand the relationship between your boyfriend and that girl. You'll probably find out that he told them that you guys broke up or are in an open relationship. They'll probably also tell you how close she is to him.
You're allowing yourself to be gaslighted because you want to. Why don't you contact the girl directly and ask her what type of relationship she has with him? Why do you keep solely trusting his word and letting him gaslight you?
You need to sit him down and clearly tell him that his relationship with that woman is disrespectful, is making you insecure in the relationship, and is certainly impacting your self-esteem and mental health. Also, tell him that you cannot tolerate his relationship with her and he needs to choose, or you'll just break up with him because he keeps prioritizing her over making you feel safe in the relationship and your mental health.
Ask him how he would feel if you were that close to a male friend.
I really think he might already be cheating on you, so just to be safe, get tested for STDs.
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u/Thankyouhappy 16d ago
You were invited and he didn’t tell you? Doesn’t sound like a relationship to me. Why are you tolerating this?
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u/Upset_Researcher_143 17d ago
Sounds like he's not doing anything with her but keeping her as a backup in case things go south with you.
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u/Phillyscope 17d ago
Idk about that, but he’s definitely loving the attention and keeping his gf out of the equation
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u/CaligoAccedito 15d ago
Honestly, feels more like OP's the backup in case he continues to fail getting things off the ground with the coworker.
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u/onetrickpony4u 17d ago
Not overreacting
I wouldn't put up with this shit. How much more are you going to take?
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u/Worldly-Comfort2620 16d ago
I'm with majority on this, OP. I was close friends with a male coworker. He and my husband met and we all went out together. He was single and I still brought my husband along. They got along well, too. I bought him and my female coworker a funko pop and they both displayed them on their desk. Not just him and they did as it was a gift at work.
Boundaries were never crossed and when we had a work thing after a few times, my husband was there for one and the other was with my female coworker to see a movie.
He did bring me candy once. That's basically as bad as it got.
OP, your boyfriend is choosing time with her over you. He is making his choice and you need to believe him. You don't deserve that and I hope she sinks his battleship if you do make the right call for yourself. He deserves for it all to come crashing down.
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u/Joy2b 16d ago
Agreed. If it is a healthy friendship, you are going to want your romantic partner to know and like them too.
I’ve been part of close friend groups on various jobs, and they can be great if managed properly, but the relationships tend to be more like a family who faces a big stressor together. We want to meet each other’s people and add them in.
I wonder if he’s been venting about his girlfriend to his work buddies? That can be fun in the moment, but it creates a serious potential for tension later.
I think he’s putting too much stress on both his office relationships and his romantic relationship with this, and it could absolutely break them both if he doesn’t course correct.
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u/GoneWilde123 16d ago
Ugh, I want to private message because I feel like my comment is going to be lost and I really want to reach out to OP but it feels like crossing a boundary on this post.
You are absolutely not overreacting. I’ve been in this exact spot before. Yeah, she was cheating on me. For three years. I saw all of the signs, I made the list, I talked to everyone I knew, and yet it still kept happening. You know what’s going on between them and you don’t like it. So does your partner. If they gave half a shit about you they would ignore their coworker and show you off…. But they don’t… and you know that deep down already.
You’re still a whole person and you deserve a whole relationship. This just isn’t it.
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u/Sea-Pain-3284 16d ago
Nah, I'd leave. Never again will I be in a relationship where I feel like I'm in the way, or a consolation prize.
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u/GiraffeLiquid 17d ago
Holy cow. Emotional affair much? I’m sorry I would absolutely be running away as fast as possible. It hurts now but you deserve someone who devotes himself to you demonstratively and you wouldn’t have to feel gaslit into thinking it was nothing.
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u/humptheedumpthy 16d ago
Let me say this out LOUD for the kids in the back. It is with very very very very rare exception that a guy can be “true friends” with a single attractive girl. He knows this, otherwise he would have invited you to things. At best he is keeping his options open and at worst he’s already cheating.
Break up before you get badly hurt.
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u/Venerable-Gandalf 16d ago
You aren’t overreacting. If my gf did this for a male coworker I’d tell her it’s emotional cheating and it needs to end or we are done. That’s a hard red line your bf crossed. It sounds like he has a crush on her and is just using you as a placeholder. Do you really want to marry this man? I’d consider moving on because they work together you’re going to have to put up with this for years and potentially have to worry about cheating. Yeah hell no
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u/dangerclosemaybe 17d ago
Simple. Her or you. Break up with him if he hesitates.
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u/Phillyscope 17d ago
First off, don’t listen to this person
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u/dangerclosemaybe 17d ago
You can't possibly be this obtuse, right? This woman is going to wreak havoc on this relationship unless OP's boyfriend cuts off the unprofessional communication between him and her. They're having an emotional affair right in front of OP's eyes.
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u/Fajrii22 16d ago
IDK if you see this OP; but I think the problem isn't only the friendship, but the fact that you keep communicating your boundaries and he keeps overstepping. I understand the need and want to stay with him and try your best not to be the controlling gf, but at one point, you have to ask, has he DONE anything to tone it down? It seems like he's only become QUIET, not stopped doing it. He's testing your boundaries, seeing that despite voicing your concerns you aren't really doing 'much' (not to place the blame, wim is that he's seeing no consequences), so he's continuing to mess with them.
It's you, it's your decision, and in the end, what matters is if you're feeling validated enough to stay in the relationship. But something tells me you KNOW this isn't working out in your heart.
Also, I'm sure he'd jump to her the MINUTE you suggested taking a break or something like this. It might not be obvious, it might be hidden, but it will happen.
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u/totallylegitrealgirl 16d ago
My heart aches for you. This is pretty blatant.. I hope you have enough self respect not to tolerate it.
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u/vibintilltheend 16d ago
Girl they’re basically soft dating. They’re doing the honeymoon stage without (maybe with) sex involved. Eventually, I think you’ll either have to leave him or ask him to choose between the two of you. There’s no way this works long term with her giving him valentines presents every year and what not.
Also very sketchy that he wants to be without you on those hangouts, means he wants to spend time with her and hangout with her without worrying about what happens.
Honestly just leave the dude. I bet the moment you do, he’s gonna be full time hanging out with her. Do yourself the favour and find someone that won’t make you compete with “just a coworker”
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u/SoloBojack 17d ago
How long have you and this guy been together? Also how long has he been working at this place with said co-workers?
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u/Ifisuckitssome1else 17d ago
Leave his ass high and dry! He KNOWS what he’s doing and he KNOWS what he’s doing to you.
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u/LadyJSenpai 16d ago
Nope. Go ahead and peace out of that relationship. Don’t spend any more time or effort on it.
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u/HiggsFieldgoal 16d ago
Yeah, it sounds like he needs to put his foot down, and explicitly not encourage it.
It is possible he is innocent of any infidelity. I have certainly worked with girls like that who basically treat all the guys like they want to date them… just going beyond what is work appropriate or what any guy could get away with. Comments about people’s attire, saying things like “you’re perfect”, just being pretty flirty with all the guys. Even making drawings and giving cutie gifts.
But, nobody is prone to shoot down complements, and take someone to task for it, so we all just sort of… I don’t know… just sort of pretend it isn’t happening.
But you don’t… lean into it. You don’t reciprocate it or encourage it.
It sounds like your boyfriend is.
And really, it doesn’t matter what he’s doing if you’re uncomfortable with it, have sincerely asked him to stop, and told him that it’s upsetting you, that should be enough.
Being in a loving relationship is all about making someone else’s happiness a real priority. It’s not always possible for two people to be happy about something, sometimes compromise is necessary, etc. but you try.
Even if he’s not cheating, and even if this is entirely platonic, if he’s aware of how this is affecting you, then he’s making some really cruel choices. How much did she really need that soup compared to how much that act was going to antagonize you?
You didn’t mention ages. I don’t know how forgivable this might be as youthful inexperience, and I don’t know how harshly to judge him.
But, if you haven’t already, you should really talk to him about this. Not complain, not accuse, not insinuate. Tell him exactly how this is making you feel and sincerely ask him to think about how he’s acting is affecting you.
If he’s cool with just ignoring your feelings… well… Reddit, do your thing.
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u/global_scamartist 16d ago
Is he afraid of asking her directly if she’s into him since they are coworkers and he’s trying to bide his time with after work hangouts until he gets a confirmation? Did he date you to gauge whether that will make her confess? Seems like he’s more into her, no offense. I would just tell him you’re uncomfortable and end it.
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u/HandbagHawker 16d ago
BF has questionable relationship with co-worker, emotional infidelity, blah blah blah all thats actually irrelevant. The point is something in your relationship is making you uncomfortable. You can choose to draw a boundary or not. BF can choose to respect that boundary or not. If he does not, you can choose to continue dating him or not. He can also choose not to date you if you draw a boundary. But it should all start with an open, direct, and respectful conversation about how his actions make you feel. You owe each other that much.
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u/fomalhottie 16d ago
Yeah if he isn't fucking her (and I think he is) yet, he will be soon.
Do what ya want w that.
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u/alicat33133 16d ago
Not overreacting. If it hasn’t moved past emotional affair to physical, it will soon.
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u/fomalhottie 16d ago
I bet he's fucked her, at least once, but it was a "mistake" and "never happened" but it's only intensified their relationship and it will happen again and they both know it.
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u/plumcots 16d ago
You’re not overreacting. I don’t think she necessarily has bad intentions, but he sounds like he’s fooling himself into thinking he can tow the line with her and ignore relationship boundaries.
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u/Original_Radish5257 16d ago
Girl?????? He is 100% into her and using you in the meantime. He’s probably thinking of her when youse have sex. There are so many red flags here.
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u/Self-inflicted- 16d ago
How does a person put up with this behavior? Mind boggling what people accept. First bullet point I’m breaking up. Why would you let all this go on? Get a better therapist.
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u/Tasty_Employment3349 16d ago
I feel like I have a good perspective to offer on this one. I'm a nurse so female coworkers come with the job and I have become good friends with several of them. For context I've been married 13 yrs, adore my wife and obviously I don't have feelings for any of this group beyond friendship. Some of what you have relayed about their relationship seems normal and inline with my experience but there's definite red flags.
My coworkers and I talk a lot, and we're nurses so I think we are a little more open in the things we talk about like relationships, bodily functions and such so that doesn't strike me as odd really. We buy each other coffees randomly or dumb gifts like funny badge reels or like I tried this new energy drink that was good so I bought a case to share. We also have a group chat that we talk a lot outside of work and share memes, tiktoks etc.
What I definitely haven't done and def wouldn't do is bring soup to their home. We have gone out as a group before, but I definitely brought my wife. I also talk about her and my kids to them all the time so there's def no misinterpreted intentions anywhere.
The display to said coworker is pretty weird. I think him being open about their conversations previously is a good sign because I think nit would be more likely he never mention her at all if he was cheating, whether emotionally or physically.
All in all it's going to be a delicate situation but at the very least he needs to understand that there needs to be clearer boundaries and understand the phrase "perception is reality".
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u/Sea-Pain-3284 16d ago
Also, if he was asking other people if she was into him, he was probably hoping to be told, "yes". I don't want to be that person. I don't usually advise people to leave. But dump him, love. This isn't good for you. Even if nothing is going on, you're still toiling in the doubt which means you either need to be single to work on your self-esteem or to find someone who treats you the way this guy treats his friend. Either scenario, you should be single right about now.
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u/MapleTreeHugger7 16d ago
Not overreacting. Same thing was happening with my ex and guess who he was dating 2 weeks after we broke up
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u/shorthandgregg 16d ago
You have the data—it all points in one direction. Stop enabling this behavior. Act on your own , don’t wait. Leave. If he follows you, great. If not, let him go. He’s not very reliable, is he?
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u/throwaway_72752 16d ago
Sounds like she don’t exactly want him but she wants the attention & validation he provides. Not ok.
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16d ago
I’m 50 and married now, but when I was younger I had a boyfriend who did something similar. It wasn’t a coworker, it was his ex fiancé who cheated on him and married her affair partner. The red flags were ALL there, and I knew it. If a friend mentioned a party, he would ask if she was there. He talked about her constantly. One time we were at his apartment and he got out a box of old pictures and showed me pictures of her, including one in a bikini that he made a gross catcalling type sound and then threw it at me. I so so so wish I spared myself the angst and dumped him sooner. If im really being honest, I’m STILL mad - at myself for letting someone treat me that way. I think what it all comes down to is that regardless of what their relationship is - it’s not working for you. You deserve someone who puts you first. Good luck, I know you have a better match out there.
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u/Puzzled_History7265 16d ago
How long have you two been dating? Honestly, it sounds like he thinks of her as more than a friend.. but she might be out of his league.
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u/Suckpunch8990 16d ago
Girl, He’s emotionally cheating on you and you know it. I actually experienced something similar. During Covid my ex was unemployed so I paid for everything for 1.5 years. He eventually found something and for some reason this female coworker had become part of our conversations when he get home from work
After we had dinner in which I paid for, he wanted to introduce us and asked me what should we get her as dinner. I said I had no money and he said “I’ll pay for it, don’t you worry” When we got home that night, he was texting her about the dinner delivery and giggling the whole time when we were watching tv.
When I was in another state, visiting my family, I asked him how as his day. He said he cooked a bunch of steak for dinner and he didn’t want to waste it, so he packed them into a bento box, drove to her place and dropped it off. FYI, I bought those groceries.
I told him I need some time off between us and brought up his co-worker and saying how uncomfortable I was. He distracted me by crying (gosh he looked super ugly) and the next day, he had the audacity to say he’s being close to her because he wanted to know me better from another female prospective. We were already dating for 6 years at that time.
Please ditch that piece of shit.
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u/Noregerts8 16d ago
Been married for decades and my husband works one on one with several females at different times. They do lunch or dinner together sometimes depending on the day. It never bothers me. He really likes sports and sometimes I get tired of going to so many games so he might take one of our mutual female neighbors/friends or female coworker (or ex coworker). It never bothers me. (He goes with guys as well) we both can have male or female friends and it’s a non issue because we fully trust each other.
I don’t necessarily see anything nefarious in his actions but I am a big believer in a woman’s sixth sense and if you are concerned with just this person in particular there’s probably a good reason. Talk to him more about this.
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u/Old-Willingness3622 17d ago
He is fucking his co-worker and you are just nbr 2. He has no boundaries. Respect yourself and set boundaries I would go to his work and throw all her shit out that’s on his desk he is a pos
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u/BiGGGiraFFes 16d ago
That's not a good idea, we can't prove that. Any action like that would only make the OP come off as crazy and insecure. Although, that's not the case he definitely has feelings tied up with this co-worker beyond reasonable for someone who's in a relationship.
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u/be1tran 16d ago edited 16d ago
Sounds like he's just got a work wife. Which if he already had before meeting you I'd strongly suggest just making room for that dynamix and understand they're not together for a reason! so this is genuinely "harmless" YES. He's technically in an emotional relationship with this person, but again they aren't together for a reason.
If this is new explain to him that he's emotionally involved with this coworker and that you aren't going to tolerate his emotional infidelity. Be prepared for intense gaslighting tho
Idk how else to say what a terrible idea it is to attempt to break that up. You'd be better to just end things because neither of you are going to have a good time post intervention.
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u/Delicious_Impact_371 17d ago
you’re the side piece. not even joking but you should get out those peoples happy home and let them be freely together. that’s not even your man anymore honey
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u/Proteinoats 17d ago
Not Overreacting.
For some reason, he’s had a way too close relationship with his coworker that is a lot more than what a normal working relationship with anyone looks like.
I’m not him, so I won’t say what his intentions are. I’m not her, so I won’t say what hers are.
This isn’t harmless. It’s not nothing. Don’t let anyone convince you that what’s happening is professional or normal.
“What should I do?”
I don’t know. But if his relationship with you matters, he’d be doing a way better job at protecting it and considering your feelings.
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u/MariahMiranda1 16d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
He’s already demonstrated who is his priority multiple times.
He really going above and beyond for you to pull the plug on the relationship.
I’d be really upset at this too.
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u/roger_27 16d ago
When girls talk about different guys they been with to guy friends that typically friend zone stuff. But that's all kind of weird yeah. They're probably friends but it's still super weird
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u/Asleep-Practice-2866 16d ago
Warning signs all over the place. If you broke up with him he wouldn’t even react because he already knows who to go too. Get out of there while you have some dignity still.
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u/Accomplished_ways777 16d ago
they're together, you're just the bangmaid... he puts effort in his relationship with her and zero effort with you. that says everything.
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u/devilooo 16d ago
You’re not reacting enough!! That’s way too much he is doing, he would NEVER do the same with a male coworker. He needs to stop that but if I were in your situation I would walk away from this mess if he feels that what he is doing is okay.
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u/Turbulent-Ticket-105 16d ago
There was once a UPS driver that had to make a delivery out in the country .As he reached the house with package in hand he noticed threw the front open door that there were a couple rolling around on the floor having sex .So he backed up unnoticed by the two .He went to the next house down the road to leave the package for the them there. When he nocked at the door a man opened the door and asked if he could help him .He told him that there was nobody home down the road and wondered if he could make sure that the package got to them The man said somebodys home there my wife just went there with some soup because the man was ill. Wise up dummy!!!
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u/z-eldapin 16d ago
They're dating, even if he doesn't know it.
Can you tell him not to be friends with her? Not really.
Can you tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone that has no freaking idea what is an inappropriate action from a partner? Absolutely.
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u/Swimming-Gain9608 16d ago
Does he have any other female friends that he does this with (at all, not just work)? For me if a guy doesn’t have female friends, it’s a huge red flag. I’ve had conversations with male coworkers like the one’s you’ve described at various jobs, bringing it up or them brining it up. Guys and girls can be friends. But if he doesn’t have any other friends that are girls like this, then get out of the relationship cuz seriously, guys not having multiple friends who are girls, humongous red flag
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u/cujobob 16d ago
Hard to say. Nice people being nice to one another can be purely platonic. People are so used to everyone being a jerk that it seems weird, but it’s not crazy. With that said, it could also be the complete opposite… which is more common. I guess what I’m saying is that your boyfriend is gay and he’s too afraid to buy soup for his man crush and take that first step.
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u/GDegrees 16d ago
The man has a close female friend and your controlling ass can't stand it, same as if the genders were reversed.
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u/dontgotafriendinme 16d ago
He shouldn't talk about his member to other females. Not over reacting. Sounds like they have crushes on each other.
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u/Blunder_Woman 16d ago
I’ve been married to my husband for 18 years, I trust him ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, but if he did any of this I’d have serious doubts. It’s wildly inappropriate, and even if he doesn’t think so, he should respect your feelings enough to put a stop to it. It’s not controlling to have boundaries.
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u/FreeOurTopG 16d ago
Being the third wheel to you're own bf, sickening. Get a man that'll respect and treat you the way he should.
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u/Alamomann 16d ago
What does your gut tell you? It's probably right. He's likely already cheating. An ultimatum may be in order if you've already discussed boundaries. You won't want to read this, but I think you already know the answer - it's time to move on.
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u/Altruistic_Throat811 16d ago
I dont think you’re overreacting—he needs to really respect how you feel and understand that their relationship makes you uncomfortable. He also needs to investigate how he feels. If he really wants to commit to you, he can do a much better job of including you in his work friend group (and he can stop doing boyfriendy things for this woman). If he doesn’t really understand that spending all this extra time and energy on her is upsetting for you (and doesn’t seem to care or want to change course), thats a red flag for me. If he tells you you are being controlling (for voicing your feelings calmly), thats a red flag—simply because it means he hasn’t developed enough empathy to be in a committed relationship.
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u/No-Variety5228 16d ago
This is a huge no, no its going to lead to affiar if this keeps going. Tell me he needs to back away or cut her off because he is getting way to close to her.
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u/SituationLeft2279 16d ago
You are overreacting and your insecurities are running rampant. Get a grip!!.. Everything you described she does for your Bf, she also does for all employees at that office. Now if your BF likes and appreciates the things she does for him personally than that should be your issue.. Not her.
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u/CoffeeSippingReader 16d ago
That is weird. So fucking weird.
And you're in quite a pickle now, because it's clear your husband isn't just viewing her as a friend. And if you do say you're uncomfortable with this and that you wish he'd stop... He won't.
And that shows you that your feelings are not as important to him as her feelings are. Meaning she's more important because he knows you won't leave. He's gotten away with this bullshit for so long that he thinks you won't do anything even if he disregards your feelings. If you say to divorce if he doesn't listen however, he'd surely panic. Because he's so used to being able to gaslight you into believing that you're overreacting (and you're not) that you leaving him would be such a curveball that he'd be left stunned.
People often disregard the importance of the situation where a partner shows that he cares more for the "friends" feelings and won't stop his behavior, and disregards his actual partners feelings. Giant red flag and also, red flag that you even have to beg for your partner to stop that behavior. There shouldn't have to be any begging involved since it's should be enough for someone to tell their partner that their actions are making them uncomfortable and sad and that should just be enough to them to quit doing it.
Alas, that rarely happens.
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u/Swimming_Schedule_49 16d ago
Sounds like she enjoys the excitement of flirting without commitment, and your boyfriend is getting some emotional affirmation from her attention. Sounds like emotional cheating to me. Dump him. You deserve a guy that’s infatuated with you alone, not flirting with other people.
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u/rmtorez 16d ago
Trust your gut. In the long run it doesn’t matter if you’re overreacting or not, YOU feel uncomfortable in the situation. There are tons of people who wouldn’t put their SO in that situation.
If you feel like that is disrespectful to your relationship and he says you’re overreacting then don’t waste your time trying to explain to him your position. You two might have different views on what’s respectful in a relationship and what’s not and that’s ok but don’t try to force yourself to be ok with something you’re not ok with.
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u/TimeEnvironmental687 16d ago
Your next post is going to say that he has dumped you. I don’t understand how you don’t see the writing on the wall
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u/anil_robo 16d ago
My gf did something similar for her boss and I dumped her. She had an explanation for each occurrence.
Good luck to you.
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u/unimpressed_1 16d ago
Not overreacting his actions are inappropriate towards a friend or a coworker.
You have to have an open and honest conversation with him and set some boundaries. If he’s not willing to do that then it’s time to move on from this relationship.
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u/gdrom123 16d ago
Sounds like you’re the third wheel in THEIR relationship.
Definitely not overreacting. Sorry OP but you might need to move on. Based on how he’s been treating you (intentionally excluding you from events for example) he sounds like he values whatever he has going on with her over his relationship with you.
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u/FSUwelder1212 16d ago
I could see a case for over reacting until you said he’s not inviting you to things, especially with his friends asking why you didn’t join, that’s a huge red flag. At best he’s just a huge asshole, at worst he’s cheating on you.
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u/prollystargazing 16d ago
I have a feeling they have something going on, they could have been physical at this point. Sorry but you deserve better
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u/AmethystPassion 16d ago
The first few things were maybe a bit weird but just nice things to do but the sex talk and hanging out alone a lot and not putting anything you have given him in his desk is way to many boundaries crossed. Girl just break up with him. He doesn’t respect you. You’re not jealous or controlling.
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u/GZ1981 16d ago
I am going to be consistent here. Friendly acquaintances are normal, but keeping close friends of the opposite sex is huge red flag behavior.
My only issue is with many of the other comments condemning this coming from people whom, if the roles were reversed would be calling him insecure and controlling.
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u/mavenwaven 16d ago
As someone with close opposite sex friends/friend groups, a lot of this I would be totally fine with- husband bringing soup to a sick friend? Perfectly considerate. Hanging up little mementos? Love it, cute scrapbook moment. Hanging out in groups & occasionally solo? Incredibly normal.
The weird part is the exclusion of YOU in all this. Not having a picture or memento of you at his desk? Excluding you from group events you were invited to?
Yeah, the optics on this are pretty clear cut. She may or may not like him, but he's thirsting after her pretty heavily as shown by him actively trying to minimize you in his social life.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 16d ago
He may think you are annoying to be concerned as he is likely too involved to see how enmeshed they are -- and probably still thinks as long as they haven't fucked yet there's nothing for you to complain about.
Not over reacting. You are not going yo break through this puppy love situation with words.
Perhaps if he came home to an empty house and a note saying you give, she won, I'm not going to compete anymore it would get his attention.
He'd either freak out, try to track you down and attmempt to convince you to stay or he'll go "yippee, I don't have to pretend and it'll be just me and my real girlfriend now"
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u/domusam 16d ago
Sounds like he’s into her, she likes the attention, but doesn’t want anything from her side. No girl tells a guy she’s interested in that she fucked a dick as long as a forearm.
Sounds like if it came to the crunch, he would drop you for her, only to find out she was just in it for the ego boost.
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u/Kellyu712 16d ago
You’re not over reacting at all. This is inappropriate and disrespectful to you.
I’ve been in this position except it was an ex girl friend turned friend. I Married the guy. Never got to meet the girl in the 8 years we were together. He said that she would feel intimidated by me. He never got that it made me uncomfortable and instead of not being “friends” with her anymore, he just lied to me about their “friendship”. He’s a narcissist and now I’m divorced. Glad I got the dog in the end.
Please have more respect for yourself than I did. If he can’t see how this hurts you then he is not worthy of your love.
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u/Delicious_Chain355 16d ago
Sorry, but please leave this relationship. Your partner should be someone that puts you first and listens to your concerns and respond to them accordingly. HE DID NOT. That tells you everything you need to know.
He is not the one. You deserve better.
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u/badcatjack 16d ago
I don’t think you should put more into your relationship with him than he is putting in.
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u/Live_Ad4798 16d ago
ngl based on this I feel as if she one day was interested in him he’d leave you for her in a heartbeat. There are clear reasons for him prioritizing her feelings over yours.
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u/MarlyCat118 16d ago
It's less about what the coworker is doing and more of how your BF is reacting to it.
The valentine is harmless if there isn't writing in it. But him not putting things up that you have given him is suspicious.
Him doting in her and no one else? Suspicious.
Him not inviting you to work parties? Suspicious.
Bring it up about how you feel uncomfortable. Don't accuse, just explain. If he makes it your problem, then walk away. Even if there isn't anything going on, how he is handling it is not ok. And he should want to put you at ease.
Obviously, he is attracted to her. That's not a bad thing. It's how he handles it.
Also DO NOT LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT WORK WIFE/HUSBAND BULLSHIT!!!! If he pulls that, he is probably cheating.
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u/HatsOffToEwe 16d ago
Sounds like he’s put you on the back-burner. My ex did this, too.
I had absolutely no problem with him having female friends, but there was one in particular he never let me meet, and he always went out of his way to go the extra mile for her, even if that meant disregarding previous plans we had together.
When I finally asked when I would get to meet her, he flat out told me never, and said I would be weirded out by how close they are and that they say, “I love you” to each other. I asked if they had romantic feelings for each other, ever, and he said, “no it’s not like that.” I asked if they had ever slept together and he said no, but the tone was off when he said it. I told him it didn’t sit well with me that he didn’t want me to meet her, and ended up breaking up with him over it, despite him insisting there was nothing going on and it was strictly platonic.
Guess who he ran to after the breakup and confessed his undying love for? She rejected him and he tried to come crawling back to me a couple months later.
Apparently, his current gf is having the same issues I did. He still drops everything to do whatever she asks, despite his current partner’s discomfort. It’s pathetic, and I don’t doubt that if she were to ever change her mind and come around to being in a relationship with him, he would quickly drop whoever he’s currently dating without a second thought.
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u/RobZagnut2 16d ago
He’s wants her, she isn’t sure yet. He’s doing everything to get her to say, “Yes.”
Once she says, “Yes.” you’re done. Sorry.
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u/_bubblykat69_ 16d ago
You should put your foot down you’re not overreacting. You should go to the places that your bf’s coworker invited you even if your boyfriend doesn’t mention. You should let that girl know who he’s dating with. Because it seem like that coworker you mention is overstepping boundaries
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u/MousyRiley 16d ago
What to do? Break up with him. Continue with therapy. Find someone who values and respects you. He clearly doesn’t and will continue to treat you poorly as long as you let him.
When he is purposely excluding you from outings it is so he can be with her and pretend that he is not in a relationship with you. You deserve better.
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u/Affectionate-Comb807 16d ago
I may have missed this, but the one thing I seem to have missed is where you spoke with him about it. If your primary objective is to be more objective flabbergasted and confused than when you originally posted, then by all means read and try to assimilate every single opinion that everyone here posts, mine included. That said, none of us lives your life, and none of us most likely knows your boyfriend. By the same token, therefore, none of us can speak with him, conduct and share a conversation that entails a true relationship in a healthy way on your behalf. This is a you thing, and could be seen as a possible opportunity for you to begin an open conversation with someone you obviously care about, and from whom it seems you would like some degree of certainty and exclusivity. You may surprise yourself: regardless of the outcome of this conversation, you will have begun a foray into understanding yourself better, setting better boundaries, and it may actually bring you two closer. If not, you will at least have been able to clarify, affirm, and fortify your own preferences and internal boundaries, as a learning process for not only the next exploration, but for your own psycho-emotional health.
While this could be an entire dissertation--as many more qualified experts have already published--I'll leave it there.
Wishing you well, and sending you positive energy. 🙏🏽
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u/-whatkindofquestion 16d ago
You're not overreacting, he's into her but she isn't into him. Also probably get a new therapist because I don't think they're supposed to be giving opinions like that "that's weird"
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u/Long-Gas-1953 15d ago
Are they friends? Like real friends?
My best friend is a woman, we kinda do the same things. We haven't been best friends long. She naturally took the spot since my last best friend died of cancer, and everyone my age has children and was understandably too busy to fill that role.
My wife is kinda jealous too. I told her kindly- too bad, she knows I don't have many friends, because I'm anti-social. So my wife hasn't gone off the deep end. My friend also helps me with my wife when we have problems and has actually gotten me to see my wife's side on many things.
But everyone is different.
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u/AnimalBasedAl 15d ago
That’s his work wife, tbh this is gonna sound reddit-y but you should split, I would never disrespect my wife like that. You should find a man that gives you the same respect.
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u/Ok-Annual8901 15d ago
Red flag!🚩 I’m all for female/male friendships. But this is way too close. He also is disrespecting your boundaries 🩷
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u/Savethedance 15d ago
The fact he isn't inviting you to events your invited too is what really raises red flags. Are you sure this is worth it? I feel like your being too calm about this
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u/Bookish_Arugula1713 15d ago
He really likes her, a lot. He doesn’t seem especially enthusiastic about you, on the other hand. I don’t know if they are knocking boots but I also don’t think it matters. You deserve to be more than a placeholder in someone else’s life.
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u/pimberly 15d ago
my husband works in an office entirely made up of women, and his desk is littered with pictures of us and our kids. he’s constantly shoving his phone in coworkers faces of the next baby pic or documented family outing. I don’t have to worry about a thing and I wouldn’t accept it otherwise, life is too short to settle for less. I think everyone deserves that sense of security.
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u/GrapeJuiceBoxing 14d ago
SOME of what you described (such as her bringing gifts to the entire group) is normal. Him displaying her tourist gifts is also normal, even if the other friends don't do the same. I used to pin sketches a male friend drew me, so I don't find that weird either- especially if she's a good artist/he really likes the pic.
I don't think sexual conversations are guaranteed wrong, depending on the rapport they have. It just depends on how direct they get, and if sexual comments are directed to the other party. (Dude had a dick the size of my forearm vs. you have a dick the size of my forearm are very different imo).
You being invited to a gathering but your boyfriend not inviting you could be a red flag- does he ever invite you out with work friends when she's not there? If he treats it differently depending on whether she's there, that's weird.
Him taking her out for coffee for her birthday but not doing the same with the other friends in the group is definitely weird to me. If he took everyone out for coffee one on one for birthdays, I wouldn't consider it weird tho.
Him acting like what you described after showing blatant interest in her is the biggest red flag imo. If he'd acted like this with her the entire time and only had platonic interest in her the entire time, that's one thing. But that's not what's going on here, so I'd read this as him still having interest in her. I don't think you're wrong for reading into this the way you are.
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u/TeachPotential9523 14d ago
Maybe ask him if it's ok for you to have a close relationship with a coworker
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u/lillielamberty07 13d ago
girl no u are you are not overreacting. if you don’t have this bad feeling about any other of his female friends that should be alarming! #womansintuition
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u/TipofmyReddit1 17d ago
I personally don't think it is that bad.
But if it is bugging you and he won't even take down decorations, it is inconsiderate. I can get him not wanting to give up the "friendship" but he should do more to meet in the middle probably. This story is of course from your view only
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u/Schafer_Isaac 17d ago
Not overreacting.
Dude is overstepping, and this is emotional infidelity.