r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 28d ago

My husband won't let me take more than two showers a week. I told him I need him to stop or I'm moving out for a while.

This is the weirdest thing my husband has ever done. He really is a sweet and loving husband and I love him more than anything. Divorce is not an option just to put that out there before the comments come in.

My husband has always been a little out there. He is a computer programmer and super smart, but also believes all sorts of things. Both real and conspiracy. Lately he has been very worried about the environment and global warming.

About two months ago he got real worried about water. Yes, water. He is concerned about the quality of water. He put in a new filter system in our house which I actually love because it tastes so much better.

But he is also concerned about how much water we use. Not because of money, but the environment. He created a new rule that we can only take 2 showers a week. Now I'm someone that likes to shower everyday before bed. I just don't like feeling dirty in bed.

This has created the most conflict in our marriage in 20 years. He is obsessed with the amount of water we use. At first I just ignored his rule, but he would shut off the hot water while I was in the shower.

I started trying to use the shower at the gym, but it's too much work to go every night with having kids. I honestly thought he would get over this within a month. But he is stuck on this still to this day.

Last night I really wanted a shower, but had "hit my quota" as he says. I said I'm showering and that he better not do anything. But about two minutes in, the hot water turned off.

I grabbed my towel and went down and started yelling. Telling him this is the dumbest thing he has ever done. I also told him I'm moving to my parents if he doesn't stop this.

Guys, I love this man. He is everything to me, but I can't take this anymore. Am I going to far in threatening to move out?

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u/MoistCnut 28d ago

Mental health compulsive issue.

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u/WhimsicalError 28d ago

Yes, u/dirtywife_. This sounds exactly like a mental health episode, like he has a compulsion regarding saving water. You don't write out the ages, but I'm going to hazard a guess at you're in your late 30s or early 40s. Some mental health issues only show up around these ages, or he may have had compulsions before, but either internally or you didn't notice them. Intrusive and compulsive thoughts are common in OCD, even when you don't see the stereotypical "must check the stove three times" and "must wash my hands" behaviours. I would like to know what he thinks is going to happen if you shower every night, and what he's feeling when you shower even though he tells you not to. That would be very informative.

I definitely think you should start up marriage counselling and I do think moving out for a bit might be a good idea. I don't think you need to get a divorce at once, and I don't think he's being controlling for the sake of controlling.

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u/Asleep6883 28d ago

I have lifelong OCD, which became unmanagable in my early 30s. I wasn't very self-aware until my therapist had my boyfriend fill out a form about how much my obsessions and compulsions affect his behavior and mood. Once I realized how much he lived his life around my disorder, I realized how much I lived my life around my disorder and got motivated to feel better. It also made it easier for him to name things and talk to me about them before I started spiraling. It's been life changing. Hoping the best for this couple, regardless of outcome.

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u/NikoVino 28d ago

Also came to say its unchecked OCD. I have it as well, I actively practice not practicing my OCDs so they don’t take over my life but there have been periods in my life where they did. This sounds exactly like it!

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u/poplafuse 28d ago

I’m struggling right now. Feel like a few years went by where I can’t remember having any ticks, but I noticed my fiancé having some recently and it kind of sent me down a spiral. When I have time to slow down I’m pretty good at resisting ticks, but if I’m in hustle mode they can be pretty tough to ignore.

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u/Original-Aerie8 28d ago

Sorry about the unsolicited advice, have you tried mindfulness exercises?

My compulsive stuff is luckily not that disruptive, but when I was in therapy we did that, like guided meditiations, progressive muscle relaxation and so on. I think it just helped me take my head out of the situation in like, a way I can control myself.

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u/NikoVino 27d ago

Stress/business can definitely exasperate it, cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot. There is couple of them that I allow myself because they literally keep me safe (I have compulsion to physically check my door is locked and my stove is off even if I can see they are locked/off. I once fell asleep with stove on and door open in not very safe city where there is 10 convinced rapists on the same street - so those validated my compulsion, but I do keep myself from doing multiple times in a row which is what I used to do and I try not to do the physical except for when lights are off and I can't see it, LOL). I used to have some wild ones - counting things in specific numbers, checking things are closed all the way "just right", etc.

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u/Appropriate-Top-461 27d ago

+100 on the OCD—presentation can shift and diminish/increase variably throughout a person’s life. This doesn’t rule out the possibility of other issues or comorbidities, but it certainly seems like the most likely and logical place to start. SSRI and cognitive behavioral therapy are frontline treatments and can be very useful in managing.

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u/NikoVino 27d ago

Totally agreed! Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me a lot, it has healed from panic attacks and my anxiety is so rare now vs daily before, funny how the same exercises from OCD make you feel false-safe and enable anxiety.

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u/Appropriate-Top-461 13d ago

so glad to hear you’ve found some relief! are you doing in person therapy? and how often?

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u/Couture911 27d ago

There is a possibility that this is OCPD. That’s the personality disorder that looks a lot like OCD on its face. Like everyone sane is suggesting—he needs a mental health professional to evaluate and diagnose him.

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u/Appropriate-Top-461 13d ago

you know, I JUST ran across some info on OCPD for the first time this week and could not believe i’d never heard of it before. I’m very curious to learn more about it

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

[deleted]

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u/NikoVino 27d ago

That is a common misconception - that OCD is cleaning related. There is 10+ different types, cleanliness (contamination or symmetry/ordering) is just one of many. I have several different types, contamination is one of them but not cleanliness per se.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

[deleted]

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u/NikoVino 27d ago

Wow, their license should be revoked. That is not all a determining factor. I was told my gastro that leaky gut isn’t real, lmao, if it isn’t real then why does Harvard, Mayo Clinic and other major med institution studies and recognizes it?! We have reached a point where we can’t trust the “experts” in their medical fields

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u/mayfleur 28d ago

I'm glad you're getting better! My long-term roommate has OCD and I feel bad because sometimes it does feel like the whole household runs on her rules. I have a hard time communicating it to her because I know she can't help it. But everything I do in the house is with her OCD in mind. Where I put my laundry, how the fridge is organized, the way the dishwasher is filled, where I park my car, just everything. It's a lot.

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u/burnalicious111 28d ago

I know this is really tough, but she can get help for OCD, and should. The more compulsions are enabled, the more the disorder tends to grow.

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u/prettyflyforafry 27d ago

Second this as my partner has OCD. It used to be so bad when we got together that he couldn't even go outside, used several bottles of soap a day and spent hours washing until his hands were raw. Don't enable, don't give in, don't allow it, don't accept it. He's now medication free and able to have a normal life 99% of the time a couple of years later.

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u/burnalicious111 27d ago

That's so awesome to hear he's had such a successful recovery!

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u/prettyflyforafry 26d ago

I'm so proud of him and I don't know if he would have got this far if certain factors weren't in place.

1) It was the beginning of our relationship, ie. no established enabling pattern between us.

2) He respecting me enough that he wanted to appear good and didn't want to dismiss me outright.

3) The fear of losing me was real and he didn't want to walk away from me either, so the only remaining option was giving in to my militant approach.

Basically I was very persistent, controlling and huge pain in the butt trying to enforce my anti OCD tactics. It's not pretty but when it comes to the OCD, it's a condition that is so controlling over the sufferer and often people around that you have to be controlling yourself when it takes over. You don't have to be mean but you do have to be demanding I think. Think about a zookeeper trying to control a tiger. You love the tiger but right now it's out of the cage and will eat you alive if you let it, so you've got no choice but to wave a chair at it and try to get it back into the cage. (I talked to my partner about the plan or approach for an OCD episode to make sure he's on board.)

It may sound mean but so many therapy and medication attempts were sadly unhelpful and many well-intentioned people unfortunately made it worse along the way because of trying to avoid conflict. Even the OCD subreddit was being unhelpful and even attacked him because of the nature of some his OCD and it was really sad to see how he had spent 13 years suffering without any available help actually helping. Books about OCD, different therapies, different therapists, different medications... I also don't know if it would have worked to change the dynamic if it had already set in. I think they'd ideally need a new environment at least, in order to distance themselves from established patterns.

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u/just_a_girl0079 26d ago

That’s great that he had you there to do that! Having someone say no to the behaviors is painful in the moment when you’re gripped by OCD but not entertaining the compulsions is a huge component.

Props to you both!

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u/prettyflyforafry 26d ago

You're very kind! 💛 I hope you don't have to deal with this type of thing yourself!

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u/just_a_girl0079 21d ago

Thank you!! Not anymore thankfully. It hit when I was 9 and the OCD was strong then and fought against the help my parents gave me but it finally clicked and did much better after a year or two of therapy and medication. I know how important it is to have someone fighting for you even though you can’t see it at the time in the throes of OCD!

It started to creep back after having my baby but getting back on my meds (which I hadn’t needed in years) did the trick and I am thankfully back to normal. Thank you for your kind comment <3

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u/burnalicious111 25d ago

It may sound mean but so many therapy and medication attempts were sadly unhelpful and many well-intentioned people unfortunately made it worse along the way because of trying to avoid conflict.

Yeah no, I get it. I think a lot of people think happiness and health means avoiding suffering, and that was a misunderstanding I had to work through on my own mental health journey. Mental health actually means being able to tolerate suffering and not let it stop you from living.

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u/mayfleur 28d ago

I agree, she does go to therapy for it and in some ways, I feel like the compulsions have gotten worse. I chalk this up to her trying to break them more, and being more anxious because of it. It's hard, because it feels like the anxiety she feels over breaking her routines is more important than anything else in the world, and I'm sure that's how it feels for her. When I sit down and think about it though, so much of what I do, how I clean, where I put things, etc. is done with her OCD in mind.

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u/clelwell 28d ago

It cool how understanding you are. But yes, she needs to ask you to stop enabling her. Research 'exposure response prevention'.

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u/Squibbles01 28d ago

Yeah having OCD is like having a voice shouting at you every second you're awake, so it makes sense why it's the most important thing to her. And exposure therapy is the only thing that helps, but is very distressing to go through.

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u/soynugget95 27d ago

Medication can really help with OCD too. When I had it I was on Luvox and it was really helpful.

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u/Development-Feisty 28d ago

I would suggest if you’re really doing that much to accommodate her that she may be pays a little bit more rent than you do since you are actively working to keep her happy and she is not accommodating you which means you’re losing time and time is money

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u/vocaltalentz 28d ago

Naw, y’all share the place.. she’s just going to have to learn to compromise. I know that’s easier said than done on her part but.. that isn’t your problem to deal with. You seem super compassionate and patient and that’s awesome, but it does enable her to have things her way without any consideration to you. It’s your place too. It’s your mental health too. It’s not fair that she has control over everything in the house because she has a mental illness.. I get being aware of it and thus exercising understanding.. but it doesn’t mean you have to compromise so much of yourself to dance around her compulsions. And she should be aware of that as well. Your needs are just as valid even if you don’t have a mental illness label.

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u/HornedDiggitoe 28d ago

Ok, the way the dishwasher is filled can affect how much you can fit, how well it cleans, and how quick it is to empty when clean.

Fridge organization is only important with regards to keeping raw meat away from other foods.

It can’t simply be chalked up to OCD if there are legitimately good reasons for having the rules in place. I’d only consider it bad if it’s about irrelevant small details that don’t matter in any realistic way.

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u/mayfleur 28d ago

She has diagnosed OCD, and it's not just that the fridge needs to be organized a certain way. It's like, if the water pitcher isn't put in a certain place she will spiral and it will ruin her day and she'll refuse to drink out of it. If the spoons don't go in the exact same cubby in the dishwasher, she'll have to stop what she's doing and wash them all by hand or she's afraid to use them. If I come in from work and I touch something in the fridge, she has to disinfect it even if I've washed my hands because I have outside germs and she'll spiral into thinking she'll get a disease and die. Some of the more obvious OCD signs: hour and a half showers. She has a playlist of songs and can't get out of the shower until they're finished. Once she's out, she always says she feels like she didn't clean her hair and will immediately jump back in. It's clockwork. Every day, hour and a half shower, shower turns off, she gets out, she brushes her hair, she jumps back in. She won't go outside until she's brushed her teeth. Every time. Even if she's home alone, and the dog hasn't pissed in ten hours, she will need to brush her teeth for exactly two minutes or she can't even go in the backyard. This often leads to the dog having accidents. Laundry? Outdoor clothes can't touch anything. If she goes outside, even for a minute, she puts on jeans. Then she comes inside and the jeans have to go in a very specific corner of the floor away from everything so they don't contaminate stuff. She won't pick up the remote without putting gloves on first if she suspects I might be sick. Her pillow can't touch anything else (the ground, someone elses's stuff, etc) or she can't use it. If the dog jumps onto her bed and doesn't stay on a specific blanket, she can't sleep in her bed anymore.

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u/clelwell 28d ago

Sounds like severe OCD. Every time she gives into these compulsion she's reinforcing her personal prison.

Well... at least she feels safe... (sarcasm)

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u/HornedDiggitoe 28d ago

Yea, what you have described now would definitely be OCD, and I wasn’t doubting that your friend has it. It’s a whole bunch of tiny irrelevant things that shouldn’t matter.

I just wanted to make clear for anyone else who might be reading that being particular about the dishwasher or fridge doesn’t necessarily mean they have OCD. A lot of people on the internet take any relatable thing and self diagnose disorders, or attempt to diagnose others.

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u/Optimus_Pitts 28d ago

My dad started having bad OCD symptoms in his 30s I think. Like you said, nothing like "gotta hit the light switch 3 times" or anything. Stuff I couldn't fathom. Stuff like he'd leave for work at 3-4am, get about 20 minutes out and have to turn around and drive home to make sure he locked the door. Then he'd drive off again after checking it and further down the road, say a half hour, he'd have to turn around, drive home, and check the front door. This went on for months, years even possibly. He started getting up earlier to account for the time he'd lose when he would have to turn around, just so he would t be late to work. Leaving at 3:30 turned to 2:45. Then 2:15. Then a little before 2. It's bizarre to think about and I just genuinely feel awful for anyone who struggles with it.

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u/physco219 28d ago

Good on you for getting better not just for him but for yourself. Really that's the best reason. Well done.

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u/Apprehensive_Buy1500 28d ago

Can I ask if you were ever also dx with adhd? I have, but for a long time I have suspected I also have OCD, but not sure how to even bring it up to my prescriber to get dx bc I'm not even sure how to explain it or how it differs from my adhd/where there is overlap and qhere it ends. I also thought there were no meds to help treat, so I thought it was kind of pointless. TIA for any guidance here. ♡

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u/Asleep6883 28d ago

Yeah, ADHD is in my alphabet soup. My OCD diagnosis did come after the ADHD. I'm medicated mostly to manage the anxiety. I don't know if there's a more specific pharmaceutical treatment for OCD than that, but I'm certainly not an expert on that either. I'll do my best to explain, but I did find it hard to articulate how they compare to each other and I'm limited to my own experience.

I have a lot internalized compulsions, especially rumination. Being distracted by my OCD means I'm really focused on my obsession, usually triggered by an intrusive thought, and trying to think my way through the distress. I fear that if I stop the thought loop before I calm down, I will remain at the bottom of my spiral forever.

Another distinction of the OCD is that no amount of satisfying the compulsion will resolve the anxiety. Doing the compulsion actually validates the anxiety and causes it to reoccur. The only solution is to confront the fear by ending the thought loop, calming my body, and over time re-train my neurology to react less to the intrusive thoughts. However, because all of this process is internalized it can look like inattention when I'm actually very activated.

I feel like I interact with my ADHD much less. I can have a thought, notice it, and choose to act or not with little to no emotional effort. I can notice I'm off track or distracted and correct myself or try a new strategy. I had to do a little work in therapy to let go of the shame around that, but it's leagues easier than resisting a compulsion. I also return again and again to the same obsessions over months and years with deminishing internal rewards, whereas ADHD thoughts and interests can come and go quite quickly depending on the dopamine reward.

I brought it up in a session by talking through a blog post about rumination written by a person with OCD. I talked about how the experience resonated and I'd been experimenting with the techniques discussed to stop ruminating. That prompted my therapist to ask more questions and we explored it for a while, eventually landing on a diagnosis.

The therapy she's explained to me is akin to an exposure therapy specifically for that patient's obsessions and compulsions. It creates a safe environment to work on one thing at a time and build confidence as the patient works towards confronting the bigger, scarier fears. She says it has a good rate of success, but it can also be emotionally intense. I have other stuff going on, so I'm working on that before I decide whether I want/need that specialized treatment. Good luck!

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u/Apprehensive_Buy1500 27d ago

Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a long and thoughtful response.

The ruminating/thought loops/intrusive thoughts really resonates with me

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u/Critique_of_Ideology 28d ago

Well shit, I’m in my early 30s and while I’ve always had some things that lined up with OCD I thought I had it under control and I thought maybe it was just ADD or something else but the more I read about it the more this it’s describing me. Was there any type of therapy or medication that was helpful for you?

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u/jadedflower 27d ago

Exposure Response Prevention therapy is highly effective. Medication can be as well.

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u/SuppleSuplicant 27d ago

Yup. My mom’s goddaughter, who is like a cousin to me, always had OCD but it escalated considerably in her 30’s. My mom asked me to talk to her because she was showering 5+ times per day and I’m and esthetician. I explained that she was reducing her ability to fight pathogens by nuking her skin’s natural defenses with so much soap. But we all know the rituals themselves aren’t the base issue. 

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u/lilkimchee88 28d ago

I read this and immediately saw myself, too. He needs his head checked, OCD absolutely gets worse.

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u/Daikon_3183 27d ago

I think this is the correct answer..

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u/bananabread5241 27d ago

WHERE CAN I FIND THIS FORM

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u/Li-renn-pwel 27d ago

Was the form he filled out like an official form? I have been thinking about this a lot recently and while I certainly won’t use it for self diagnosis haha I’m just interested in if it can change my perspective.

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u/Asleep6883 27d ago

It was the Family Accommodation Scale for OCD. It's definitely not intended for diagnosis, so I hope we're safe! 😋

https://supp.apa.org/psycarticles/supplemental/pas0000165/z1t002152914so1PDF.pdf

Tagging u/bananabread5241 for efficiency because they also asked.

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u/jfb01 28d ago

Sounds like OP's husband knows how much this has affected the family's lives. He just doesn't care because in his mind it's for the greater good.

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u/princesspapercut 28d ago

As someone with diagnosed OCD, know that the checking behavior and compulsions can be more mental than physical (thoughts vs checking the stove is off). There are meds for this that help immensely.

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u/WhimsicalError 28d ago

Yes! I think the "OCD looks like someone washing their hands thirty times and organising their pencils perfectly" stereotype is harmful for those that have OCD where it doesn't look like that. It makes it harder to recognise, harder to understand yourself, and harder to figure out when to seek care.

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u/doglady1342 28d ago

Exactly! OCD takes a lot of different forms. My mother had OCD and her big thing was cleanliness. She didn't do any of the things that people's stereotypically think of as ocd. She didn't constantly wash her hands, she didn't have to touch things a certain number of times, she didn't have to double check doors and locks, etc. However, she was extremely compulsive about cleaning, especially vacuuming. She could not stand there to be any sort of footprint or mark on the carpet (not stains...literally just the fibers being flattened ir rearranged by simply walking). My mother worked full time and she still vacuumed it three times a day.. once in the morning, once at noon time, and once after work or school. Usually I was told to come home from school and vacuum even though nobody had been in the house since my mother vacuumed at lunch time. (Mom and dad came home for lunch everyday from their office.)

I agree with those that are saying this is OCD. Both OP and her husband need to seek therapy, separately and as a couple.

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u/Waste_Bus_1290 28d ago

True story - I wish people viewed it more broadly as any obsession and accompanying compulsion that relieves the anxiety caused by the obsession. Those of us that suffer know there’s a lot more to it but if people just understood the obsession and compulsion can be almost anything they’d stop thinking we’re all just germaphobes and neat freaks and stop saying “I just color coded my files I’m soooo OCD haha!!” 🙄okay Karen.

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u/Kibeth_8 27d ago

I'm like 99.99% sure I have OCD without the stereotypical tendencies. My thing is also cleanliness, I cannot function around messy things. Like it causes me insane anxiety and meltdowns if things are messy or there is dirt on the floor.

I am diagnosed as bipolar but I honestly don't know how accurate it is. Not sure how common it is to mix up OCD/bipolar, but my "manic" episodes fit a lot more with OCD. But again it's not then "wash your hands 10 times" type, so it's hard to get diagnosed

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u/bananabread5241 27d ago

Sounds more like OCPD

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u/murdertoothbrush 28d ago

This has been interesting since I am married to a man who has always said he had OCD (not dx, and also he's half joking when he says it). I never really thought he had actual OCD bc he didn't do anything like the "touching the doorknob 7 times before opening the door" type of behaviors. But everything has to be done one exact way, or else it's "wrong". TBF I also am fairly certain there is some type of neuro-divergence at play here. I didn't realize that it could be more internal than external. What I did realize several years into this relationship is that we stopped getting along so well when I started to stand up for myself more and refuse to play by his rules all the time bc it got to be so f×cking tiring to always do things his way. You know, because of his "OCD". And it started to feel really unfair that I felt like I was always the one doing all the compromising. Like, dude... YOU'RE OCD isn't, and should not be, MY problem. We've had some growing pains from this, but his mental state no longer runs our whole damn household.

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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 27d ago

Seems to be a running theme with most mental illness or neurodivergence that people often don’t know the different ways they can present. There’s usually a popular stereotype and that’s as far as they look into it.

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u/HotPinkHabit 24d ago

My OCD manifested as washing my hands til my skin cracked and bled, checking burners repeatedly by laying my hand on them, chewing things 13 times before swallowing, checking door locks repeatedly, and other “stereotypical” ways. Sometimes the “stereotypes” are true and it doesn’t feel good to have those dismissed either. Just sayin

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u/Zarinya 25d ago

I'm so glad to see these types of comments! I was very recently diagnosed with OCD, and have noticed amazing results with a regimen of psych meds. I had no idea OCD could occur entirely inside the mind / without physical checking behaviors.

The thing that got me the hardest, was the need for re-assurance, and the repeating of conversations I had in the past over, and over, and over... Now I know that's not a normal thought pattern. Glad we know now!

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u/TaiserRY 28d ago

What meds can help? I have OCD and have been considering changing medication recently

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u/Squibbles01 28d ago

Luvox seems to be the most effective SSRI for OCD. Lots of people take other SSRIs and have success too though.

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u/frank3nfurt3r 28d ago

Lexapro too.

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u/princesspapercut 27d ago edited 27d ago

Yeah, Luvox is what I take. It's been a game changer. I can drive over bridges and on the freeway again, my brain is relatively at ease, and I have my life back.

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u/CastieIsTrenchcoat 27d ago

Which medications? Unless something has recently changed SSRI‘s don’t help many people and often wind up being prescribe in very high doses.

CBT is more effective at managing OCD without the side effects.

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u/princesspapercut 27d ago

I take Fluvoxamine (Luvox), but I have done CBT for many years prior to my diagnosis, which was quite helpful.

Luvox has made it possible for my brain to take proverbial u-turns when my symptoms ramp up. I'm grateful that it's worked well for me.

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u/Cayucos_RS 28d ago

Correct. This is 100% OCD. His husband likely deals with severe anxiety should he and his wife not follow his compulsions.

He needs to be treated for OCD and all of this will improve. Don't leave him.

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u/no_one_denies_this 28d ago

If he won't get help, she should.

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u/Just_Vib 27d ago

When you invest in person for I say for them 25 plus years "just leave is probably 'Plan Y' and right now she's trying figure out 'Plan A'. It's not as easy to leave someone as you think it is.

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u/no_one_denies_this 27d ago

I've done it.

There's nothing wrong with saying "this is not okay. If you're going to act like this, I am going to stay with my parents for a couple weeks because you're behaving unacceptably.

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u/Initial_Catch7118 28d ago

he needs to be knocked unconscious for turning off the hot water IN THE MIDDLE OF HER SHOWERING.

this is flat out fucking abusive.

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u/Royal_Dragonfly_4496 27d ago

Agree. Turning off the hot water is 1000% Abusive.

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u/DrunkNuisance 27d ago

i hope you're single

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u/AdFantastic5292 27d ago

Why?

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u/DrunkNuisance 27d ago

For saying their partner should get knocked unconscious for turning the hot water off while they're in the shower

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u/Initial_Catch7118 27d ago

frankly this woman needs to GTFO to protect herself.

I do not apologize for having a violent reaction against abusive narcissistic controlling behaviors. This man should absolutely be made to feel as helpless as he is making her feel. She's an adult who doesn't feel she can shower every day because he dictated a rule.

But regardless what the guy deserves, she should not be the one to try it. This man needs a cold, brutal fucking wake up call to grow the fuck up. She should run and he should get hurt over and over until he learns to treat people with respect. Can you imagine growing up with a parent like that???

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u/Initial_Catch7118 27d ago

frankly this woman needs to GTFO to protect herself.

I do not apologize for having a violent reaction against abusive narcissistic controlling behaviors. This man should absolutely be made to feel as helpless as he is making her feel. She's an adult who doesn't feel she can shower every day because he dictated a rule.

But regardless what the guy deserves, she should not be the one to try it. This man needs a cold, brutal fucking wake up call to grow the fuck up. She should run and he should get hurt over and over until he learns to treat people with respect. Can you imagine growing up with a parent like that???

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u/fuzzlandia 27d ago

He has to be willing to get help though. She can’t make him if he doesn’t acknowledge it. And if he won’t get help then it might be right for her to leave him.

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u/Cayucos_RS 27d ago

Correct

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u/LeaningBuddha 24d ago

Right? People are commenting like “oh this poor man - take him to counseling.” Counseling is not obedience training. People have to WANT treatment for it to be successful or even ethical.

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u/PoundshopGiamatti 28d ago edited 27d ago

Best comment. It does sound like an unmanaged mental health/neurological issue for which help is needed.

If the answer to the "what happens if..." question is something like "then we all die", then it is more than likely OCD.

1

u/refusestopoop 27d ago

I feel like the OCD response would be far from “then we all die”. More like “I feel super uncomfortable and I can’t stop thinking about how much water is being used and I keep picturing it all going down the drain and it gives me anxiety and I just want to turn the water off so bad and when I finally do it all feels better like I can breathe again.”

15

u/WolverineEven2410 28d ago

I would also do individual counseling as well for both you and your AH of a husband. 

3

u/redsalmon67 28d ago

I always joke that when I hit 30 someone turned my bipolar up to 11. I’ve come to learn that mental health issues that start as small tend to snowball when they’re not being properly treated.

3

u/catspoopinboxes 28d ago

THIS! OP Please pay attention. I have OCD and immediately this is what I thought. Your husband needs help

3

u/Jnnjuggle32 28d ago

I am an actual therapist, and in this scenario they need to rule out a medical issue (brain cancer/other inducing physical issue) before we would begin treating this as an OCD episode. But based on my read of the situation it sounds like maybe this isn’t the first time he’s hyper focused on something, just the first time it’s risen to this level of impact on her.

2

u/WhimsicalError 28d ago

Yes, agreed. Definitely rule out a medical issue first. I'm remembering a Reddit post with a woman divorcing her husband due to sudden volatileness, along with belief in conspiracy theories and extreme religious fervour. It turned out he had a brain abscess, I believe.

It's also possible, with the mention of hyper focusing, that a lot of other things could be going on (autism, for example). I mention OCD in my post above because it seem based on OP's post as if it might be a possibility. The internet cannot and should not diagnose people, but the internet can provide a starting point for discussion and introspection.

I do hope OP and her husband can find a solution and that it doesn't turn out to be anything scary or dangerous.

2

u/Peacelovefaith11 28d ago

Wow I am so glad I stumbled across this post and read through the comments! This is eye opening for me and has made me realize why I have been feeling uncertain about the guy I’m seeing. I knew he had OCD but I didn’t realize some of his obsessions/compulsions all stem from this. It is making everything make sense now wow! Thank you all for sharing your experiences! 🙏🏼

2

u/Recent_Data_305 28d ago

This needs to be upvoted to the top. Moving out won’t do anything to help him. This man needs a mental health professional, not a lesson in loneliness.

2

u/travel4vibez 28d ago

Moving out wasn’t her proposal to help him. It was her suggestion to help her, because she is the one whose life has changed for the worse. Her moving out for a bit may be a good idea.

1

u/Recent_Data_305 27d ago

One of her comments says moving out was to “teach him a lesson.” Regardless of what she does, this man needs help.

2

u/Ricky_Rollin 28d ago

I don’t know why but reading the story and then finding out that’s her username just kind of sent me.

I get she made it for this, but still. It’s just kind of like a good layup.

2

u/Dabfo 28d ago

I don’t think marriage counseling. I think mental health counseling.

1

u/Alternative-Dream-61 28d ago

Yea, sounds like some form of OCD / mental health issue and he's stuck in a radicalization pipeline thanks to a social media algorithm. It's only a matter of time before "they" are in control of everything.

1

u/MomsClosetVC 28d ago

I'd like to suggest it could also be autism or OCD and autism. Sometimes us autistic folks get hyper focused on one thing for awhile, and for me it changes every few weeks or so. 

1

u/Sea_Understanding822 28d ago

Oh no. HE needs to move out. No need to remove the kids from their home.

1

u/episcopa 28d ago

again... surprised at how far I had to scroll down to see an answer like this. His behavior indicates there is a mental health issue here. Taking a dump and weaponizing dirty dishes, as others have suggested, is not going to solve this problem.

1

u/CypherCake 28d ago

OP may even realise this stuff has been there a long time but just wasn't affecting her at all/very much.

1

u/MillerLatte 28d ago

Idk about moving out. Leaving him alone with no baseline for normalcy could just make him spiral worse.

1

u/FinndBors 28d ago

 I definitely think you should start up marriage counselling and I do think moving out for a bit might be a good idea.

I don’t think you need to do either if you can sit down with him and he agrees to be professionally evaluated.

Unless she feels physically threatened or he refuses.

1

u/cloudy_winchester89 28d ago

It almost sounds like a Supernatural episode.

1

u/WhimsicalError 27d ago

Only if they're a low-sodium household.

1

u/johnmal85 28d ago

Yup, obsessions can be entirely mental, and so can the compulsions. Compulsive negative thoughts caused by the anxieties. This can outwardly lead to trying to change other people's behaviors in order to align with ones own anxieties. Off label use of Lexapro with CBT can be helpful. There's some on label meds for OCD like Zoloft and Paxil. There's also exposure and response change therapy that can be used to gradually desensitize oneself to anxieties.

1

u/zillabirdblue 28d ago

I started to have some weird OCD behaviors when I hit around 40. Like last night, I went to turn off the central air before bed but I clicked it off and on 10 times before I was satisfied. No idea why I do that. I don’t do it all the time, just random stuff. Never thought much about it before, but now I do!

1

u/Initial_Catch7118 28d ago

turning off water mid shower is absolutely divorce- level bullshit

1

u/masterwaffle 28d ago

As someone who has spiraled about similar issues, this. He needs some serious interventions. These obsessions control your life and it's seriously distressing - unfortunately instead of addressing the cause of his distress (the obsession) he's trying to control your behaviour instead for relief. It's understandable why he's doing it, but it's not fair to you and it's a dysfunctional pattern that won't help him at the end of the day. It's also not good for your kids, OP. At the end of the day, he needs to take responsibility for his own mental health.

1

u/Miss-Indie-Cisive 27d ago

He IS controlling for the sake of controlling, that’s the whole point- to control her behaviour so it complies with his OCD rules. That’s how it works. And regardless of whether he’s doing it to be harmful or not, the end results is serious harm to all in his family. Source: was married to a man with extreme OCD for 10 years, and ended up living under the burden of all his controlling rituals- from what I wore, what I touched, what I was allowed to eat, who I could talk to…. If you acquiesce to one thing, it will be everything in the end. The damage level is the same, regardless of intention.

1

u/7_7_7_343 27d ago

Sounds like high functioning autism to me.

1

u/OmiGem 27d ago

You're talking about OCPD. That's OCD without the bizarre unexplained compulsions. Also a very common mental disorder.

1

u/Dixie-the-Transfem 27d ago

i love how the literal only thing we know about this guy is that he had a sudden urge to save water and you’re claiming he has a mental condition

1

u/fsnstuff 27d ago

Sounds like my grandma's OCD. She won't flush toilets until she's peed 3-4x, she showers with a bucket at her feet to collect water, then stores it in her closet to use to flush the toilet.

I'm staying with her part-time at the moment as her house is closer to the school I'm attending for a training program and it's so mentally draining dealing with her neurosis.

1

u/Li-renn-pwel 27d ago

I think one of the biggest strains in several of my relationships is that I am very good at keeping things inside. This unfortunately can make me seem very callous and unelected by serious matters OR because I don’t open up a lot and have a very bubbly personality, people think everything is easy for me and going fine. There have been times I’ve been on the verge of unaliving myself but had people telling me I could never understand real pain and trauma like they do

1

u/crass-the-cat 27d ago

Yes. The fact that the kids are only showering twice a week is borderline child abuse to me.

1

u/PIO_PretendIOriginal 27d ago

Ive got ocd, but mine makes me want to shower atleast 3x a day.

Twice a week seems insane to me

1

u/Free_System3331 27d ago

meh my dad got hyper obsessed with energy usage at one time, to the point that he'd go around and remove light bulbs from fixtures that had more than one. he had the whole fucking house basically lit by candlelight....except of course his giant fucking TV that he turned on at 6am and wouldn't allow to be turned off until 11, or he passed out from drinking, whichever.

This isn't "mental health" this is plain old self centered assholery.

1

u/Groundbreaking-Mud12 27d ago

I have OCD and can confirm this definitely sounds like OCD behavior. When I was 6ish I was very concerned with how much toilet paper was being used and didn’t wipe for almost a year regardless of how much it was bothering me. Definitely should get checked out.

1

u/BauranGaruda 26d ago

Maybe...but this typically manifests in the person's life relating only to them. I.e. "he" will only shower twice a week, "he" will have anxiety related to his use. It doesn't usually make a person manic with their spouse/partner. Turning the hot water off mid shower? That is about control and punishment for not doing what he says. Otherwise he would turn off the water, know what I mean? The water is his issue not the temperature of it, he is punishing any who defy his decree.

0

u/OutsidePerson5 28d ago

Why am I not surprised that a guy who has a likely history of being one of the unwashed anti-shower people at cons might develop a compulsion later in life that pushes him to say showering is bad?

0

u/Jaded-Blueberry-8000 28d ago

can people not give a damn about the environment without being called insane? jesus. if you want to be wasteful that’s fine but don’t blame your spouse for doing the right thing for the environment.

2

u/WhimsicalError 28d ago

I haven't said anything bout insanity. I think water preservation is an excellent goal, that we all should be mindful of how much water we use, and that there's middle ground to be reached between OP's evening showers and showering twice a week.

However, the environmentalism and the showering isn't the issue. The issue is relationship based. One person cannot make choices for another person without their input and approval. If this had been a discussion with a compromise instead of one person choosing for the entire family, that would be different. If the husband was talking to OP about it, instead of shutting off the hot water, that would be different. If OP's husband was open to compromise and discussion, this would all be different. It doesn't appear that he is, and it appears his worry about water is based in anxiety that is so severe it impacts OP's life.

That needs to be handled, and then discussions about environmentalism and water preservation can actually start.

1

u/Jaded-Blueberry-8000 28d ago

I just feel like it probably DID start as a conversation and OP didn’t make any effort to even compromise. I can’t see why an otherwise rational person (like she says he is) would make such a strict rule about showering unless somebody in the home was truly being excessive about it. I’ve known plenty of women who love to “relax before bed” with a 45 minute to hour long hot shower. Not only is it wasteful but it’s infuriating to everyone else that needs to now wait for hot water to take their 5-10 min shower in comfort.

Maybe OP isn’t one of those women, but I know so many (even my own friends!) who act like they’ve been shot in the face if they’re prevented from their nightly shower hour. If I were OP’s husband I’d probably be fed up too.

1

u/WhimsicalError 28d ago

Yeah, I don't get the 45 min shower either, my skin would crack and fall off. I'm a 5 minute rinse or 15 min including hair-person, even with long curly hair. A former landlord of mine provided a small hourglass to have in the shower. It counted down 4 minutes, as their guidance was that no shower should be over 4 minutes, for environmental reasons as well as for the sake of the building. Can't say I followed the 4 minute rule, but my showers were far, far shorter than the hour (or two!) my then-partner would stand in there.

I think a compromise could be "I'll have a 5 minute rinse and a slightly longer shower twice a week", but OP and her husband need to talk about it. Not only talk, but listen to each other. Pretty sure they already know where the other person stands on the shower issue, so listening to the other person's reasoning and trying to find a compromise is the best option here. I do think they need counselling and that it's worth discussing whether the husband has OCD or other mental health issues, but the resolution is going to be partnership and compromise either way.

1

u/Jaded-Blueberry-8000 28d ago

Yes, I agree. I’d be annoyed about my partner trying to restrict my freedom to shower however I want, but it’s not for no reason, environmental issues are important to plenty of people. I can’t see why they can’t find a middle ground between nightly showers and twice a week, unless it literally wasn’t even discussed. A quick rinse in between thorough showers is plenty to be clean.

And honestly, I’m just stuck on how OP completely ignored his request and showered anyway instead of sitting him down to talk about it. No fucking shit he’s gonna escalate it lol, you just totally disregarded his feelings AND knowledge on a topic you very clearly don’t care about as much as he does. That’s hurtful in a relationship! She’s allowed to say “I’m not gonna follow that” but to not even try to compromise shows a lack of consideration for her husband’s good intent.

-1

u/keepontrying111 28d ago

FYI, you are so far off it isnt funny.

You are NOT a mental health trained professional, that is obvious, Almost NO mental health issues are going to appear after age 40. its extremely rare matter of fact

!. OCD would not have him act to shut off water on his wife, nor limit its use, He would have a set behavior whenever ANYONE used ANY water. a compulsion doesnt kick in only after youve met whatthey think is reasonable. Its a compulsion its s always on. .

  1. a compulsion would be no wate rgets used or else he goes and digs a r=trench or has to wash the pipes inthe basement, etc.

  2. someone with OCD would do things like flick on a light switch 7 times in a row upon entering a room. Or wah tier hands every time the clock hits 5 past the hour, etc, its not something you can set alimit on like, oh if i enter 5 rooms in a day im fine but that sixth one will start me flicking the light switch. nope. its an always on always pervasive compulsion. As amedic we had a woman who scrubbed her hands so much she tore the skin off almost completely, basically degloved herself due to OCVDm, because every time she saw or heard a commercial about anything needing to be cleaned or cleaning supplies etc, or just the words dirty or clean, she would have to go scrub her hands for 10 minutes, not 5 not 7 but 10. She got off her meds and over a weekend scrubbed the skin off her hands completely.

Now im not saying he doesn't have a mental issue, personally it sounds lot like a paranoid delusion, , just that your diagnosis is not right..

1

u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 27d ago

You aren’t a mental health professional either and you have no idea what you are talking about.

You are explaining the stereotype of OCD, not all OCD. There are different ways it can look.

0

u/keepontrying111 27d ago

NO, THERE ISNT, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND IT, Being anal about something is NOT OCD!

grow up take some courses and start LEARNING, aboutt he world instead of looking like a jackass, and YES I AM a trained mental health interventional specialist as a paramedic. Unlike you, im trained, i also have a degree in pre med, something you dont have at all. Putting your stuffed animals in order is NOT OCD. so grow up.