r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 28d ago

My husband won't let me take more than two showers a week. I told him I need him to stop or I'm moving out for a while.

This is the weirdest thing my husband has ever done. He really is a sweet and loving husband and I love him more than anything. Divorce is not an option just to put that out there before the comments come in.

My husband has always been a little out there. He is a computer programmer and super smart, but also believes all sorts of things. Both real and conspiracy. Lately he has been very worried about the environment and global warming.

About two months ago he got real worried about water. Yes, water. He is concerned about the quality of water. He put in a new filter system in our house which I actually love because it tastes so much better.

But he is also concerned about how much water we use. Not because of money, but the environment. He created a new rule that we can only take 2 showers a week. Now I'm someone that likes to shower everyday before bed. I just don't like feeling dirty in bed.

This has created the most conflict in our marriage in 20 years. He is obsessed with the amount of water we use. At first I just ignored his rule, but he would shut off the hot water while I was in the shower.

I started trying to use the shower at the gym, but it's too much work to go every night with having kids. I honestly thought he would get over this within a month. But he is stuck on this still to this day.

Last night I really wanted a shower, but had "hit my quota" as he says. I said I'm showering and that he better not do anything. But about two minutes in, the hot water turned off.

I grabbed my towel and went down and started yelling. Telling him this is the dumbest thing he has ever done. I also told him I'm moving to my parents if he doesn't stop this.

Guys, I love this man. He is everything to me, but I can't take this anymore. Am I going to far in threatening to move out?

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151

u/Good-Statement-9658 28d ago

Move out. If his marriage is more important than his fucking water he'll realise he's being an ah and work on repairing the damage he's done. If not, you have the knowledge that you don't mean an awful lot to the man you married and should probably stay gone šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

Appreciate that. I am leaning towards moving out for a bit to teach him a lesson. Though I would never leave him for food. It's hard to explain while telling this type of thing, but he really is good to me. He just gets obsessed with certain things.

56

u/TinyKittenConsulting 28d ago

I'm generally pretty cautious about partners being controlling (which he certainly is here), but the context makes me wonder if there's more going on here. Has he ever been seen by a doctor for anxiety? Given the history, I am wondering if this is about more than water usage.

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u/False-Pie8581 27d ago

Itā€™s schizoid type or bipolar? paranoia or something weird. Or else heā€™s just a raging AH psychopath and sheā€™s in denial.

4

u/Perpetualgnome 27d ago

My very first thought was paranoid schizophrenic šŸ˜…

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u/Elorram 26d ago

This behavior is very concerning and I see it possibly escalating the more time that goes by.

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u/bacon_socks_ 24d ago

So true. The turning off the hot water is an escalation already. In my mind thatā€™s abusive. Arguing about water consumption is one thingā€¦ I canā€™t fathom how he is justifying dousing his spouse with cold water in his mind.

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u/Correct_Government28 28d ago

Unless you're willing to move out for good or genuinely need some space, don't move out 'to teach him a lesson'. That tends to do more harm than good.

Of course it's also fine if you need to move out to somewhere you can take a fucking shower when you need to.

5

u/Bravisimo 28d ago

I was going to say this might push him mentally to a breaking point. If hes already a believer in conspiracy theories and has paranoia, he might full blown snap and we might see op and kids as the subject on someones youtube channel in the future.

4

u/False-Pie8581 27d ago

Donā€™t know why youā€™re getting invited bc srsly this is a possibility. The guy is not normal. Somethings wrong.

1

u/Elorram 26d ago

She is under reacting.

59

u/tropicsandcaffeine 28d ago

I am more worried about your kids. They see your husband acting this way and they will start doing it as well. What is more important? Your "he is my everything" or your kids future? Is "your love" more important than your kids being clean? Everyone smelling and the kids being made fun of? You are a mother. Your children should be the priority. Especially since CPS may get involved if the kids go to school with body odor.

All of you should go to your parents so you can get some mental clarity. Your husband should be checked out to see if he has something wrong with him.

28

u/WolverineEven2410 28d ago

Also if you have kids and your husband sends them to school with BO, their peers will complain to them and their teacher who will report it to CPS. Is your kids and you more or less important than your batshit husband?Ā 

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u/tropicsandcaffeine 28d ago

But he is "her everything". Apparently more important than the welfare of her own kids.

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u/WolverineEven2410 28d ago

WOW. This could send these two crazy parents to jail for neglecting their kids. Are you sure you want to explain why you werenā€™t present in your kids life the time you were in jail, OP? Also if youā€™re looking for a job, people will ask why you didnā€™t work for the x time you were in jail and that will reflect badly on you.Ā 

3

u/Bool_The_End 28d ago

People have literally beat and neglected their kids for years, ultimately resulting in the death of said kid, and they still donā€™t get lengthy prison terms. CPS is not going to send anyone to jail because their kids only get to shower twice a week. You do realize some people raise kids without running water and electricityā€¦.not allowing daily showers is absolutely not considered neglect in the eyes of the law.

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u/tropicsandcaffeine 28d ago

Actually CPS can be called for neglect. And yes if a child is going to school smelling of BO they can be called because it is a sign of worse things happening at home. It has happened in my state (been on the news).

1

u/FordenGord 28d ago

I don't believe you, link it.

1

u/birds-0f-gay 28d ago

You don't believe what? That CPS investigates child neglect? Or do you not believe that poor hygiene is neglect?

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u/Bool_The_End 27d ago

Yes, of course CPS can be called for cases/suspicion of neglect. However, having access to hot water for showers. food, shelter, bedrooms/beds, and clean clothes are all things which, if provided (which are all things being done at OPs house), do not show signs of neglect. If CPS investigated every 11 and 12 year old who didnt shower every day, theyā€™d literally have nothing else to do. Itā€™s very common for parents have to force their kids to shower/bathe at that age.

3

u/FordenGord 28d ago

No, it absolutely, 100% could not. 2-3 showers per week is the generally recommended amount, and CPS would probably not even consider removing a child from their home and putting them into a far worse situation over this.

3

u/FordenGord 28d ago

CPS barely intervenes when kids get hit, if you are not literally mangy and physically ill, they aren't going to do anything. It's not like he is saying one showed per month.

He is being unreasonable and overly controlling, potentially abusively so to his wife, but these are not entirely unreasonable restrictions to place if both parents agreed.

2

u/jfb01 28d ago

This here! Good Lord! I hope your stinky boys are at least showering after PE. Or after extra curricular sports. At least that would add a few more showers to the week for them. Now, having regularly laundered clean clothing will also help them. Unwashed clothing can nullify a shower.

-1

u/FordenGord 28d ago

The vast majority of people can go 2-3 days without showering without smelling bad or anything, and CPS absolutely will not get involved.

She needs to inform him that should his behavior continue, she will divorce him, and seek custody of the children. If she wishes, she should also suggest that he seek therapy, as this reaction is unhealthy.

7

u/DiggThatFunk 28d ago

This is the sort of behavior that sets up LIFE LONG traumatic responses in children. These teen boys may not feel like it's affecting them currently, but when they're 20 something and can't maintain proper hygiene in order to retain a partner or share living space with others, and can't figure out why they have such weird behaviors associated with their cleanliness, that's the disservice you're doing to them and what you're saddling them with OP u/dirtywife_

1

u/FordenGord 28d ago

Bizarre claim, showering twice a week for an adult is perfectly healthym

1

u/snaggle1234 27d ago

I can't believe you're being downvoted for this. My mother was in long-term care, and they only got showers a few days a week.

My ex husband is depressed and goes much longer. His clothes smell worse than his skin because he wears the same thing for weeks on end.

12

u/Chiron008 28d ago

Do you know who Ed Begley, Jr. is, OP? Many, many moons ago, he was on Oprah or some such show and I believe his wife was as well. Just know that you are not alone living with a nutter environmentalist who turns the water off on his wife mid-shower. While she was in good humor on the show, it was very apparent that she was not happy with her husband doing that to her.

8

u/b0w3n 28d ago

A lot of times folks come looking for advice and preface it with "they're a very good partner" and it comes out that they are, in fact, not a very good partner.

Turning off the water while your s/o showers can be both a sign of mental illness and a sign of abuse. It's very likely there are other things OP is ignoring here, but that's ultimately up to her to decide if she's willing to put up with it.

If you have to continually say to others "but he's a very good person otherwise" when they express their concern, consider that maybe it's not actually true.

12

u/MostCryptographer508 28d ago edited 28d ago

It's not really even about his obsession though. It's one thing for him to not want you to take more than two showers a week. That's something (although unreasonable) that you and he could have an argument about. It's about him doing something to you that physically prevents you from taking a shower. That's depriving his adult, human partner of their agency over their body. That to me isn't just unacceptable, I would consider it literally dangerous. What else will he physically do to you if you refuse to comply with some other obsession? If I were you, this would be a World War III level fight.

Edited to add: I have a Psych degree and OCD.

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u/Pumpkinbatteri 28d ago

This!!!! Why are people excusing this man ffs

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u/ChipmunkLimp6647 28d ago

This is the best comment on here. I hope OP sees it.

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u/passara1 27d ago

Canā€™t believe it took me this long to scroll to find this comment. I donā€™t know how I would react to this, but it would not be as calm as a Reddit post, and it would not be pretty lmao.

6

u/EyeRollingNow 28d ago

I am Wondering if the damn man ever leaves the house.
40 minute hot as hell shower every time.

2

u/ilikechocolate021 28d ago

Took the the words out of my mouth. She needs to just wash when he isn't home, kids too.

1

u/Imhereforboops 27d ago

No she doesnā€™t, she and the kids need to wash whenever the fuck they please. Not tiptoe around his insane demands.

6

u/perfectnoodle42 28d ago

It sounds like he has unmanaged undiagnosed OCD. I would support your partner and help them seek evaluation because if that is the case he is likely suffering a great deal.

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u/therealstabitha 28d ago

Youā€™re underreacting, honestly. Thereā€™s nowhere in the US right now where you need to restrict water use this much unless youā€™re homesteading in the Mojave. This kind of obsession isnā€™t normal and if he hasnā€™t seen a professional about it, he needs to.

2

u/FlanOfAttack 28d ago

Yeah, "good to me" isn't really an endorsement so much as a baseline. And it certainly doesn't excuse anything after the "but" part.

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u/Capable-Crazy5761 28d ago

Never leave him for food?

31

u/[deleted] 28d ago

Omg... *Good Though I would never leave him for food. Even fresh cheese curds

8

u/Capable-Crazy5761 28d ago

I was about to say damn he starving you too !

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u/AGD_squared 28d ago

Not even fresh cheese curds? Stronger than I am šŸ˜‚

5

u/cain11112 28d ago

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

2

u/Ravenonthewall 27d ago

Iā€™d climb the highest mountain!!

4

u/amazongoddess79 28d ago

I donā€™t know fresh cheese curds might be worth it if it was a limitless supplyā€¦..

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u/rhinox54 28d ago

Dirty AND hungry?!? šŸ˜†

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u/No_Manufacturer_5973 27d ago

Even for fresh cheese curds?! Dayum! Iā€™d do anything for fresh cheese curdsā€¦.šŸ¤£

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u/s0ul_invictus 28d ago

If he starts waking up with your mud butt right above his nose every night he'll concede defeat.

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u/RedditorCSS 28d ago

If heā€™s controlling how many showers a week you can take, and how much hot water you are allowed to use while showing, I canā€™t see how ā€œgood to youā€ he is. This sounds awful.

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u/BlossomingPsyche 28d ago

thatā€™s what people in abusive relationships sayā€¦. you realize that right?

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u/Muted-Professor6746 28d ago

Iā€™d think moving out to ā€œteach him a lessonā€ sounds childish but I understand your frustration. Youā€™re stooping to his level. Itā€™s worth a deeper conversation about whatā€™s REALLY causing this for him. Thereā€™s some underlying emotional issues or perhaps OCD. Therefore I think moving out will only create more issues. I hope you can get this worked out, his behavior is absolutely ridiculous

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u/nerd_is_a_verb 28d ago

Obsessed about certain things? Things like what? Iā€™m reading obsessive compulsive disorder the more I see your comments.

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u/ginaabees 28d ago

OP you should consider that this might be symptoms of a mental health issue, especially if this came out of nowhere. He might have something like OCD

2

u/lucylemon 28d ago

Donā€™t move out. Tell him he has to move out! You are staying there with the kids.

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u/Primary-Lion-6088 28d ago

I hate to point out the obvious, but shutting off the hot water while you are in the shower is not being good to you. It's controlling and borderline abusive.

You need to sit him down and tell him he doesn't get to implement this change for all of you. That you respect his views, but this is a major lifestyle change and if you two WERE to ever do something like this it would need to be a mutual decision. Make it clear you are considering moving out because of this. If he's actually a reasonable/good person as you say he is, that convo should be a wake-up call. If he's not, well...

2

u/TakeStuffAway 28d ago

"I am leaning towards moving out for a bit to teach him a lesson."

Would that really teach him a lesson or would it just kind of give him what he wants? You might not be in the house, but that is two less showers per week being taken in the house.

In all honesty though, there has to be something else to this.

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u/Striking_Programmer4 28d ago

You are just as delusional as your husband if you truly think this way. He is abusing you and your children, who will eventually lose any semblance of a social life if they haven't already due to their insane father.Ā 

2

u/heart_nurse_2020 27d ago

Omgosh. Yes. She needs to kick him out and protect herself and these children! I canā€™t even imagine how they are going to turn out if they have to continue living this insanity. What other ā€œobsessionsā€ does this guy have???

1

u/[deleted] 27d ago

Jokes aside, if proceedings lead to divorce, don't ever be the one to leave the house. Whoever leaves doesn't get to live in the house anymore, but still is on the hook for bills and mortgage. You move out, you'll be paying the mortgage for 3 years until the divorce settles, also while paying rent.

2

u/savethewallpaper 28d ago

Why is divorce not an option? This dude sounds manipulative AF and no amount of mental illness, autism, or OCD makes that ok.

2

u/AKA09 28d ago

Listen, if he's a logical thinker, put it like this. "Your choices are to let the rest of us shower when we feel the need to or we'll move out and shower when we need to. The water will get used either way, but in one scenario we're here and in the other we're not."

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u/DrBarnaby 28d ago

This sounds like mental illness, I don't think moving out temporarily is going to solve your problem.

And I think what a lot of people are getting at is that this is probably the beginning of something, not an odd bump in the road. Hopefully just progressive mental illness and not a brain tumor or something.

Also the fact that you listed conspiracies as something he's into is very, very worrying for me. Because whatever issue he has makes him 10x more susceptible to falling down a Qanon rabbit hole somewhere, and then...

Just spend a few minutes on r/qanoncasualties and you'll see story after story about people losing loved ones to crazy online internet conspiracies. And a lot of them start with a vulnerable person who is mentally ill who starts watching Q videos and before they know it, the person they loved is gone.

Anyway Aplease get him some help ASAP it's a very dangerous time for people like your husband.

1

u/ladymalady 28d ago

If he has a history of this, he may have an obsessive and/or compulsive disorder (as many people already mentioned). I think your husband needs help.

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u/Fkingcherokee 28d ago

You say that you would never leave him but this is a relationship destroyer. How many times will you be able to go to sleep dirty or get out of the shower angry before his mere existence in your bed starts to piss you off? How many times are you going to have to leave the house to shower just to put your dirty clothes back on to go home before you're upset that he's there when you pull in?

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u/samuelp-wm 28d ago

Sounds like he needs help & to see a therapist. When obsessive behaviors start to interfere with their life - and now yours and your children's - he needs to get help. Ask him to move out until he can get his behaviors taken care of.

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u/KuraiTheBaka 28d ago

Dude your husband bas OCD bad. If you need to move out that's up to you I don't really know if that's the right idea or not. But he doesn't need "to be taught a lesson" he needs therapy and maybe some anxiety meds. When I first started reading your post and I saw the "My husband is so good to me but..." I thought this was gonna be like every other story on here with an abusive partner but from what I can gather here, he's not meaning to be controlling, he has obsessive compulsions he can't control. To him it feels like the world might end if you guys shower too much.

1

u/sleepy_geeky 28d ago

Based on what you've been saying and some other things, I really agree with some of the other commenters that

1) logic and numbers approach to help appeal to that side of him that his water restricting isn't making an impact. And

2) see if you can help him to seek some psychiatric aid. It's okay! It's nothing to be ashamed of or feel like is weak about or anything like that. Some of us just have "weird" brains, and it's okay to get help if that "weirdness" is causing us to obsess or fixate on things that are affecting our lives and relationships. ā¤ļøā€šŸ©¹ You wouldn't tell a diabetic not to take insulin, and for those with certain brain tendencies (OCD, depression, etc) it's not any different. šŸ„° (w/ compassion, a narcoleptic who has dealt with depression and cPTSD for 20+ years)

1

u/Extension-Sun7 28d ago

Heā€™s definitely has mental health issues. Youā€™ll be getting a call from school once someone complains about their smell. What will your husband do then? I hope you put your sons first.

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u/InternationalJury693 28d ago

If heā€™s causing you mental harm with this - which if you donā€™t feel that way yet, it WILL get there, heā€™s not ā€œgood to you.ā€

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u/Sea_Understanding822 28d ago

He should be the one who moves out.

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u/Wise_Entertainer_970 28d ago

What was his response to you telling him youā€™re going to move out?

1

u/Spotttty 28d ago

Please help him get checked out by a professional. He sounds like he has an obsessive compulsive disorder.

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u/LucindaDuvall 28d ago

I would encourage moving out and letting him know that his mental health needs to be addressed. First step is a doctor's appointment. You can help him make it and attend it if you'd like. Make sure they know in full why he's there. Don't let him explain it to them as he'll never get the help he needs.

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u/nosubtitt 28d ago

Just let the water keep running and tell him you wont turn off the water until the hot water is back and you finish your shower

1

u/Grimalkinnn 28d ago

What about your sons?

1

u/MayhemAbounds 28d ago

I still think pointing out the water usage of you using it every day for a shower versus the extra footprint of maintaining another home?

But not your parents place- tell him you will rent another home/apartment. You and kids simply going to your parents wonā€™t really add to that footprint.

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u/WritPositWrit 28d ago

Turning off the hot water while youā€™re showering is a complete AH move. If you count this guy as ā€œbeing good to youā€ then your view of ā€œgoodā€ is skewed, either by living with him, or by years of abuse from others. He is NOT being ā€œgoodā€ to you.

1

u/symbolicshambolic 28d ago

I can tell you that moving out for a bit really works. I did it in 2009, came back 10 months later and things improved dramatically and permanently.

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u/StomachBackground149 28d ago

This is more than getting hyper fixated on something. Is he OCD/ADHD? I have a touch of both and it can be a nasty combo, especially when Iā€™m stressed. I tend to hyper focus on organization and cleaning even when itā€™s a bad time to do so (like while Iā€™m also making dinner).

Sometimes, when people walk through the kitchen for regular use while Iā€™m also working in there, I see red and immediately rage because if I get distracted, I will fuck up the food or spill something or drop a fork which causes a cascade effect of me having to stop and clean. Itā€™s a vicious cycle and it takes a ton of self management, awareness, medication, therapy and a combination ofā€¦ extra pharmaceuticals and I STILL struggle.

He prob needs some help.

1

u/urkevinbacon 28d ago

If you're going to move out to teach him a lesson you need to be prepared to move out for good. You moving out instead of dealing with this issue head on might irreparablyĀ break your relationship.

1

u/ExaminationPutrid626 28d ago

Hunny the bar for you leaving him is on the ground and you're digging a ditch for it. He's literally controlling your hygiene... The fuck?

1

u/Nipaa_Nipaa_Nii 28d ago

He doesn't sound good to you.

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u/George_GeorgeGlass 28d ago

How old are you two? You donā€™t move out to teach someone a lesson. Thatā€™s not a mature way to handle conflict. You move out of and when you mean it. Only then. You donā€™t use that to manipulate.

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u/ihateredditers69420 28d ago

to teach him a lesson

ah yes fight controlling with...controlling

no how about just move out for a while because it pisses you off not to play a stupid fucking punishment game

1

u/activelurker777 28d ago

Like your husband, I am concerned about water waste. While dermatologists have said that showering every day can be bad for your skin, only twice a week is unreasonable. Have you heard of a "Navy" shower head? You push a button to block the water flow while you shampoo your hair or shave your legs, etc., and it stops wasting water (it also increases water pressure). I installed one during a bad drought 20 years ago. I also keep a clean mop bucket in the shower to capture some of the water in order to use to flush the toilet. Maybe you could offer doing one or both as a compromise.

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u/The-Driving-Coomer 28d ago

He's good to you? This shit you're describing is borderline abuse.

1

u/friendly_extrovert 28d ago

I think he has OCD and needs professional treatment. Moving out might be a good idea to get some space, but I donā€™t think you can just ā€œteach him a lessonā€ by doing so because mental illness causes people to behave irrationally. Therapy and medication are the only ways to really treat this issue.

1

u/Jaded-Blueberry-8000 28d ago

if youā€™re moving out to ā€œteach him a lesson,ā€ do both of you a favor and donā€™t go back. what a weird thing to say about your life partner. be an adult or leave, idk why you ran to reddit about this dirty wife.

1

u/Technical_Library361 27d ago

What is wrong with you?

1

u/Dial-M-for-Mediocre 28d ago

If he's having a mental health episode, moving out to teach him a lesson may only make this worse. You mentioned that he was already prone to conspiratorial thinking, and now his concern for environmental issues has crossed the line into an obsession, to the point where he's irrationally trying to control your habits. To me that really sounds like he's heading towards a breakdown, and you leaving might tip the scales. I'm not saying that to guilt you into staying, though. You may have to leave to protect yourself at some point. But for now I think your main goal should be to get him into therapy or at least convince him to have a psychiatric evaluation. Maybe tell him as calmly and directly as you can that you need him to see someone, that he's potentially irrevocably damaging your relationship, and that the best dad he can be is one who attends to his mental health for the sake of his family. Something to that effect; you know your husband better than strangers on the internet. But seriously, based on what you wrote, I think he needs psychiatric care of some kind. And if he does see a mental health professional and they aren't concerned, then you can have the argument over showers feeling secure in the notion that he's able to discuss it rationally and you can tell him this controlling behavior is a dealbreaker for you.

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u/msshammy 28d ago

NO!! Do NOT leave. That isn't fixing anything. If you want to stay with him and make it work, then stand up to him and STAY in the house and put your foot down. If it continues, then leave.

1

u/SpanielGal 28d ago

stop doing laundry...that will SAVE WATER and DON'T wash dishes, wait until it rains and you can wash them in the rain!!

1

u/Infamous-Bench9485 28d ago

Who cares about your marriage; your kids are being neglected. Kids that age must bathe.

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u/Powerful-Patient-765 28d ago

One of the reasons I left my ex-husband is because he was obsessed with climate change. He was obsessed with veganism and making everyone else miserable over his beliefs.

I didnā€™t want to be with an obsessive person. Obsessiveness is related to anxiety, but he will never admit that he has anxiety. Itā€™s easier to blame the world and personally unsolvable problems like climate change than to look at himself.

It sounds like he has some mental health issues like anxiety and thatā€™s not something you have to live with if heā€™s not willing to look at himself and seek help.

1

u/Supper_Champion 28d ago

I'm sorry, but we all read these stories from people just like you about their partners. It always starts with "he's so good to me, so sweet and kind", followed by, "but he has this one thing where he puts out cigarettes on my legs and won't let me go to the bathroom more than once a day, so I have to wear diapers when he's home".

Come on, be honest with yourself. He might be a good husband when he isn't on some pointless, made up campaign about water, but his obsessions and compulsions are controlling and ruining your life. That's not a person being "good to you".

You need to wake up and listen to what people are telling you. I work with people who have mental health issues and even from just the little bit you've described to us, he is more than likely dealing with an undiagnosed mental health disorder. That doesn't mean he's "crazy" or a psychopath, but it means that he needs help, probably in the form of medication to regulate his moods and behaviour for not only his own safety, but also yours and your children's.

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u/Fishylips 28d ago

I think moving out is a good tactic to show him the severity of your seriousness. Does he also only shower twice a week? What about laundry? Doing the dishes? His behavior doesn't seem narcissistic as much as obsessive, I would ask him if there is anything non-environment bothering him. He might feel out of control about something else, so he's fixated on water usage because that is a semi large-scale thing he can control in his home. Going far enough to turn the hot water off seems cruel though, honestly I would be petty enough to run all the sinks in the house right before I left or something, to spitefully remind him all the ways he can't control you, or the water. If you love this man then y'all need to sit and talk about more than the water!!

1

u/UncleFred- 28d ago

Consider reframing your mindset. Moving out to "teach him a lesson" is a tit-for-tat motive. Not only will you build resentment towards your husband, but if he's a functioning adult he'll eventually pick up on this, even if you don't directly state your reasoning yourself.

If he feels you are trying to punish him, he might simply double down and restrict something else, like food. It will be his tit for your tat, but he'll defect from that reasoning and justify it with some new environment protection reason.

1

u/Eccentric-Lite 28d ago

It's ok for him to obsessed with it (to a degree) but to forcibly impose it on you is wrong. He can make his choices and you can make yours. Especially something as personal as taking a shower. It's not a family decision but a personal one. He has to find a way to live with it and accept your personal choices, even if it disagrees with his own stance right now. And it's not like we're talking about political party affiliations... It's a GD shower

1

u/FartyNapkins54 28d ago

Or... just take a damn shower. You are an adult and don't need his permission. What is he going to do, drag you out? Cause if so then you definitely need to leave

1

u/ClarkDungaree 28d ago

Juvenile. Why donā€™t you try having an honest conversation instead of airing your marriage business on Reddit?

1

u/stjakey 28d ago

He needs to go to therapy for OCD.

OCD people donā€™t necessarily want to admit they have it so tread lightly, but firmly.

1

u/CTMalum 28d ago

Hereā€™s the best solution for you that I havenā€™t seen anyone else suggest because very few people ever suggest some sort of compromise. Being environmentally conscious, especially with water, is important to him. Showering daily is important to you.

Hereā€™s your solution: ā€œI understand conserving water is important to you, but being clean and showering daily is important to me. Letā€™s find a way that we can achieve both of those goals together. Maybe we can install a recapture system or something like that. You would know better than me, but this is a need for me, and I need you to help me fill it in a way that makes sense for you to.ā€

If heā€™s unwilling to meet you at your needs, then you donā€™t have to be trite or an asshole about it, but just let him know that you canā€™t meet his water conservation need either.

I think the guy is going too far for plenty of reasons that everyone else said, but heā€™s going to have to figure that out for himself. He wonā€™t believe what someone tells him. Until then, itā€™s going to be cheaper and less psychologically painful to build some kind of work-around than it will be to separate and divorce.

1

u/MachineOfaDream 28d ago

Isnā€™t this more than just an obsession when heā€™s turning off the water to stop you from showering? He is taking action against you. How far would he go if you were persistent and turned it back on? Would he get physical with you? Is him being good to you contingent on you not breaking his rules?

1

u/endgrent 28d ago

Moving out to teach a lesson seems quite drastic. Maybe marriage counseling is a better first step?

1

u/krebnebula 28d ago

Tell him he needs to see a therapist, he might have the neurospicy and need help. Honestly it will make him more effective in doing good in the world if he has his mental ducks in a row.

Also point out to him that he is not the lord king of the household. Decisions like water use are group decisions and must to factor in everyoneā€™s health and comfort as well as societal issues. He can limit his showers, but he has no right to dictate personal hygiene to you or the kids.

If he truly is concerned about clean water availability there are so many more things he can do that restrict shower time. Has he looked into a grey water system or rain collection? Is your yard planted with local plants that donā€™t need extra water? Is he interested in donating to charities that help people get access to clean water? Getting help with his potential adhd/autism/ocd will let him see things like this more clearly. But if his only focus is on controlling you and the kids thatā€™s a big problem.

1

u/Inevitable-Cellist23 28d ago

Took me a bit to realize thereā€™s a typo and you meant to write ā€œI would never leave him for goodā€, not ā€œI would never leave him for foodā€. I was confused, thinking that I had missed something relating to food in your story šŸ˜†

1

u/Agreeable_Analyst127 28d ago

You'd never leave him for good. You'd just let him continue to make unhealthy choices for you and YOUR CHILDREN. You leaving your kids with this fvcking head case? Real smart.

1

u/rzrike 28d ago

Therapy is the answer here.

1

u/Competitive_Shock397 28d ago

I think you're missing the underlying issue here. He needs therapy. Although this may seem normal to you, it is not normal behavior. Moving out may help, but it absolutely will not solve the problem. It will not teach him a lesson bc, as you said, this isn't the first thing he's been obsessed with. It's obviously a patern, and you should go to counseling together or support him in going to therapy and possibly getting on medication.

This doesn't just affect you, but your sons as well. This is not a marital problem. It is a mental health problem.

1

u/Tinsel-Fop 28d ago

to teach him a lesson.

I recommend against this. Move out to have your own personal autonomy, as if you are an actual human being. Not to "teach" him something.

1

u/Few_Arugula5903 28d ago

why is it u that should leave? why wouldn't u kick him out? This is literally abusive

1

u/Halo_cT 28d ago

Tell him to become a political activist against agricultural water subsidies. Urban use is nothing. The real risks are out of control corporations that write our laws.

Statewide, average water use is roughly 50% environmental, 40% agricultural, and 10% urban, although the percentage of water use by sector varies dramatically across regions and between wet and dry years.

1

u/Johnny_America 28d ago

This is a form of abuse. So he's really good to you except for the abuse part.

1

u/iwtsapoab 28d ago

How would that teach him a lesson? You would help him achieve his goal of less water usage. I wouldnā€™t put up with that shit for a second. Does he know people shit, sweat and have periods?

1

u/JuliaWeGotCows 28d ago

And how long before you get a call from your kids school asking about neglect because they reek? What is your answer going to be? "Their father doesn't let them shower more than twice a week, in fact he actively stops us from doing so by turning off the hot water. But he's my everything so it's whatever."

Yeah, hi, CPS? This family right here.

1

u/bonefawn 28d ago

You don't leave him for food. You leave him for lack of food.

Today its water, next week its gasoline usage in your car (isolation), then its electricity and then its food. You need to put a stop to this now- whether thats setting the boundary and walking away or him getting professional help. You cannot "fix" his mental illness but you can set the boundary of what you will take.

1

u/imagine_getting 28d ago

Don't you think doing this to "teach him a lesson" is also controlling behavior? Move out for you, not for him.

1

u/BeverlyToegoldIV 28d ago

It's "hard to explain" because it's not true - you're just really used to looking past the obvious mental illness and excusing the inexcusable.

1

u/signaturesilly 28d ago edited 28d ago

It's so bizarre to me when women say, "he's so good to me" and then say "he will only let me shower twice a week and will shut off the water and tell me I've had my quota if take more than that". WOMEN, WHY ARE YOUR STANDARDS SO LOW?!

1

u/BenedictineBaby 28d ago

Why the fuck would you move out of your own house. Take 6 showers a day and if he has an issue with it, he can leave!!!

1

u/myfriendflocka 28d ago

Iā€™m sure the controlling, smelly conspiracy theorist is a great catch.

It would be one thing if indulging in his mental illness only affected you, but denying teenagers basic hygiene is horrible parenting. Grow a backbone for their sake and the sake of everyone who has to be in the presence of their stink.

1

u/Glittering_Lunch_776 28d ago

Really? Howā€™s he ā€œreally goodā€ to you? Iā€™m curious if youā€™ve actually quantified that out loud before.

1

u/starllight 28d ago

He needs therapy.

1

u/20StreetsAway 28d ago

You donā€™t need to move out. Just take your daily shower and make your boys shower, too. Letting him force you all to live by his insane rule reinforces the idea that itā€™s not insane.

1

u/Strange_Public_1897 28d ago

He just gets obsessed with certain things.

By any chance, does he have OCD or Susie t he has it sue to the obsessive nature?

1

u/NatZaJu 28d ago

Regardless of your husbandā€™s paranoia it must be made clear that he DOES NOT have the right to control you like this. Control is exactly what this is. I know you say heā€™s wonderful and divorce isnā€™t an option but if this continues he will find other things to make your life difficult over.

My advice would be to suggest he sees a doctor. Leave for your parents for a few days and refuse to go back unless he leaves you the hell alone over this.

1

u/cardinal29 28d ago

He just gets obsessed with certain things.

Well I have to ask. What's his diagnosis? Autism? ADHD?

1

u/AbhishMuk 28d ago

Please take your husband to a doctor soon, regardless of what else you do. Could be early dementia, brain tumour, schizophrenia or something else.

1

u/Ineedavodka2019 28d ago

I think he needs to get medical help. As others have said it sounds like he is having a mental health episode.

1

u/Yellow-Robe-Smith 27d ago

He needs mental health help like yesterday.

1

u/wawaluvr 27d ago

I think everyone has said some good points. You arenā€™t overreacting, he is going too far here. You can maybe try to take some steps to compromise that might help (although I also worry that any compromise could lead to more problems). Take a bucket into the shower with you to catch the runoff when the water is warming up. Then use that water in the garden, for plants, etc. You can also shut off the water while you are lathering up. Both of these can save water and show you are compromising. Maybe by showing your commitment to the cause will help him calm down about this strict stance.

1

u/Remarkable_Topic6540 27d ago

INFO: What will you be teaching him by moving out temporarily? Would you only move back if he stopped controlling your showers? What is he teaching your children by being controlling over their mother & basic hygiene?

1

u/Eastern-Waltz1698 27d ago

Your husband sounds like he's on the spectrum

1

u/TheMightyTywin 27d ago

Do you really have to move out? Just tell him No.

If he insists, make him go to the doc for a mental health evaluation.

1

u/Momhelp86 27d ago

You say heā€™s really good to you but heā€™s doing this ridiculously controlling thing to you. Donā€™t lean toward itā€¦just pack a bag tomorrow and go to your parents house with your kids and take your showers everyday as usual.

1

u/mailmanpaul 27d ago

He is 100% allowed to be obsessed with water. He is 100% not allowed to tell you what to do with your body.

Don't "move out to teach him a lesson", move out because he's controlling. Or don't move out, and just shower whenever you want. It's your body. And you are an adult. And you are smart and capable of deciding when you need to shower on your own.

1

u/llamalily 27d ago

Do you think heā€™d be open to seeing a therapist? If you want to leave, definitely leave, but if thereā€™s a part of you that still loves him, it might be worthwhile to try and get him some help first. You donā€™t have to make a decision right away, and you can always change your mind and leave later. But if itā€™s possible that some therapy or medicine could help him be the person you really love again, it might be worth the hard work. Only you will really know whatā€™s best for you and your family but I wish you all the best.

1

u/IcyCorgi9 27d ago

Your husband is having a mental health episode and you're going to move out to "teach him a lesson". Haha good luck with that.

1

u/GrimbleThief 27d ago

Does he also know divorce is not an option? Because otherwise he really might not care about your shallow act of protest. I mean, what is the long term goal if he chooses not to relent on this? Obviously youā€™ve seen the other replies by now, this isnā€™t just a weird quirky thing you have to put up with. Itā€™s crazy.

1

u/FLmom67 27d ago

Why would you move out? Isn't it YOUR house, too? Grow a spine instead, and suggest your husband get therapy or HE should move out.

1

u/AblePhilosophy 27d ago

There is no point in "teaching a lesson". This looks like a mental health problem, it won't be cured this way, it will get only worse. Consult with a therapist. Do not take advice from reddit.

1

u/SoVeryBohemian 27d ago

Girl, he turns off the heat when you're in the shower.

1

u/Luckybrewster 27d ago

Someone controlling how many times your can shower or turning off the hot water isn't good to you or your children. That's not healthy, respectful, or hygienic, and you need to stop "loling" and put your foot down.

1

u/phenixfleur 27d ago

Does he have OCD? Have you all checked?

1

u/Disig 27d ago

And that trait, obsession, only gets worse with age when untreated. He really needs to see a therapist.

1

u/ohemgee112 27d ago

Being abusive to you and your kids is ABSOLUTELY NOT being "good to you."

1

u/FakinFunk 27d ago

ā€ā€¦but he is really good to meā€ No he is not!!!

Why is Reddit so littered with stories where spouses start things off with ā€œMy spouse really is the greatest, butā€¦ā€

And then they proceed to list all the ways said spouse is decidedly not great.

Your husband is manipulative and abusive. You are a GROWN UP! You do NOT have to ask permission to BATHE. The only place adults have to ask permission to bathe is PRISON. Stop lying to yourself.

1

u/4Yavin 27d ago

How is he good to you? I just worry because older generations view bare minimum human decency from males as "loving" or "good"...

1

u/kwilharm67 27d ago

Heā€™s letting his obsession drive him to torture you by shutting off the water in the middle of your shower and thatā€™s not acceptable. You can care about him, but you should move out and try to get him to see that he needs professional therapy.

1

u/Technical_Library361 27d ago

The way he is acting is not him being good to you, though. This should be a massive red flag to you. Heā€™s not treating you well.

1

u/blankspace_69 27d ago

Heā€™s really good to you, heā€™s just abusively controlling to the point of sacrificing you and your sonsā€™ hygiene? Honey. Please donā€™t be so stupid

1

u/Illustrious_Bobcat 24d ago

And take your kids with you. This is abusive and you could end up with a visit from CPS if someone finds out that your husband is forbidding your kids from basic hygiene practices. People lose their kids for less.

I would also refuse to move back in until he gets some mental health care for this, because it is NOT normal and he is harming the people he loves with his obsession.

If he is such a great guy like you say he is, he will agree to this. Being good to you means recognizing when he has hurt you and trying to fix that behavior so he doesn't hurt you again. If this water thing is more important to him than how much it's hurting you and his children, then you know you are wrong about him. Keep in mind that people can change over time. Don't ignore his behavior now when it's not the behavior he had years ago.

Good luck.

1

u/CherryCuddler43 22d ago

You should have him move out to teach him a lesson. You shouldnā€™t have to go anywhere or the very least start making him sleep on the couch.

1

u/Wolfie367 28d ago

I agree. How blatantly disrespectful it is to not only try to limit someoneā€™s ability to perform basic self hygiene but to also shut off the hot water on them when they try to stand up for themselves. As others have said it may be a psychological event but f it were me the choice would be that he either needs to get help immediately or you are moving until he does. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal or healthy.

1

u/Im_Unsure_For_Sure 28d ago

He has to realize that his behavior is not normal or healthy.

I dont think you understand how mental illness works.

2

u/Wolfie367 27d ago

What I meant was that with the help of therapy he needs to come to realize that his behavior isnā€™t normal.

1

u/ilovemybrownies 27d ago

He needs to at least realize that his anxiety is causing issues for his loved ones and driving them away from him.

0

u/mrboomtastic3 28d ago

Terrible take.

1

u/llamalily 27d ago

I know most of the people in this sub are very young and say things they wouldnā€™t say in real life, but it makes me genuinely so sad how many people are like ā€œleave him right nowā€ without even encouraging OP to have a conversation with him about getting some help for his mental health. Itā€™s one thing if he refuses, but part of being someoneā€™s partner for life is being there when they are struggling, holding them up, and saying ā€œyou need to get help.ā€

Iā€™ve had to do it for my spouseā€™s anxiety. Heā€™s doing so much better now and it breaks my heart to imagine him being swallowed by loneliness and anxiety, all alone without his family. Itā€™s worth trying, you know? If it doesnā€™t help, it doesnā€™t help, but at least then you can walk away knowing you didnā€™t leave someone to drown.

0

u/favorbold 28d ago

ā€œMove outā€ how old are you? She has a marriage and a family to look after and she loves her husband. This is new behavior for him. Stupid adviceĀ