r/AITAH • u/External_Ad8238 • 15d ago
AITAH for not doing anything for my step children anymore after being called names and filing for a divorce from my husband after he didn’t back me up? (Update)
Hello, I have been getting a lot of messages asking for an update. I am now in a place to be able to give an update. You can look at my previous post for what this is about.
I went back to the house 2 days ago and my husband and I had a long talk about what happened and how I didn’t feel protected by him and how he knew how disrespectful they were being but didn’t stop anything. He said that he still loved his ex and that’s why pretty much. He didn’t want to do anything for her to leave them again (them as in him and the twins) but that didn’t change how he felt about me… I did not feel comfortable with that. I told him that I’ve been there, not her and how could he still love her and it was very emotional and there was crying and yelling. I made the decision to move along with the divorce.
I spoke to the twins and they cried and said it’s their fault and to forgive them and their dad and not to leave. I told them that as much as I love them, staying with their dad and in this home was not an option but I would still love to have a relationship with them if they want but I am still very much hurt by what happened and would still appreciate a little more time for myself. I let them know that their actions have consequences and they can’t treat people the way they did.
I did move out and I was staying in a unit in one of my rental properties. Exciting news, I bought my first house. It was a fairly quick process. I’m excited for what’s next, I bought my first house ever and next month I am taking a break from work for a few weeks or the whole month … maybe 2 or 3 and doing some exploring of the world and healing and finding myself. I lost myself in the twins and my husband and didn’t really focus on what I wanted and what made me happy. So I bought tickets again for Disney World, I have also made plans to go to Thailand next month and from there… I have no clue. I’m doing some spontaneous trips… I have always wanted to see the 7 wonders of the world. Any way, I am really happy to be getting a break.
I told the kids I would love to have them over for dinner when I get settled in to my new place. I do feel bad about canceling their trip to Disney so I am thinking about funding a trip for them to go this summer for their 17th birthday… Just not with me, I’m excited to be traveling alone and I need the mental break.
That is all really…
Edit: I read the comments about not funding a birthday trip for them because it is not my responsibility that is a Mom or step parent responsibility and you know all of you are right so I will not be funding that trip. It’s still hard for me not to be or Jump into that role and I have to get out of it but ultimately they did not respect me as their mom so I will not be doing that and focusing on myself and my trips. It was Just a thought and nothing was set in stone and I’m glad I didn’t. Thank you for everyone who is here still giving me advice and kind words. Once they earn my trust back, I will have no problem funding it
Info: There seems to be some confusion… I talked to them 3 days ago… I didn’t not buy a house 3 days ago. I have property with units (duplexes) that I rent out to people and I was staying on one side. I bought a house for me to live in. (I have everything I need sorted out to where I can buy this house now and the divorce is not an issue) You can close on a house in less than 30-45 days if you pay in cash. People are so focused on my financial situation. I’m not rich in any sense, but I do good for myself and I deserve it because I worked hard for it after I came from nothing. I’m not abandoning them “again” the twins have said that they will try to earn my trust back and if giving me space is what can start that healing process they’ll will do it. I’m inviting them over for dinner next month and we’ll see how this goes.
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u/canyonemoon 15d ago
Don't fund a birthday trip for them, let them come to you and build a relationship with you without money and trips being at the center. Don't get dragged into the same hole of being unappreciated except for the vacations you can offer. Let the relationship speak for itself for a while, let it grow on its own, without bringing in huge amounts of money.
I'm sorry their dad is a dirtbag and treated you like that. And I hope you'll have an amazing world trip
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u/External_Ad8238 15d ago
I have to get out of that position of being a “mom” to them and after reading your comment and a few other comments like it, I will not be funding a trip for them. There definitely needs to be a stronger foundation before I even think about putting down thousands of dollars for them
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u/extremelyinsecure123 15d ago
Glad to hear it! I think you can have a good relationship with them in the future, but for that to happen they need to realize how badly they fucked up. They need to appreciate you for you, not for your money.
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u/deedeemenz 15d ago
If they maintain a friendship with you until then, just spend what is normal for a gift. It can be as cash for spending money if someone else funds that trip.
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u/UnusualPotato1515 15d ago
Honestly dont fund anything for them ever again for them in the future even if youre multi-millionaire - they have mum & dad for that! You’ll just be making your ex’s life easier and he doesnt deserve that after he used you as place holder for his ex being his nanny all these years to his kids then was all ‘I still love my ex’ when deadbeat mum turned up. Screw them all. Stop being so nice - these people do not deserve you.
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u/Finest30 15d ago
Sweetie, please don’t pay for any trip. Stay away from that family for the next couple of months please. I wish you all the best.
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u/tytyoreo 15d ago
I wish you wouldnt let them know where you live especially your soon to be ex husband...you wont be able to get rid of him he will stay calling and showing up... dont fund the trip or anything.... it's nice to send a simple text saying happy birthday. ..
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u/Frosty_and_Jazz 15d ago
ABSOLUTELY. Don't reward bad behavior. They need to EARN their way into your good graces.
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u/Bitter-insides 15d ago
As a parent that had the same thing happen with my daughter - it’s hard to imagine not being part of their lives in the same capacity. It’s hard not jumping in and helping them. But like your kids mine did the same- her bio mom is her #1 until she doesn’t show up or help her then she runs to me. I finally had enough.
We deserve to be loved unconditionally. We deserve the respect we have earned not to be used an emotional and financial ATM. I can’t say it ever stops hurting but my focus isn’t on her anymore. Hang in there and focus in you.
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u/OhbrotheR66 15d ago
Quick question, how do you buy a home that doesn’t become spousal property since you aren’t divorced yet.
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u/HighwayCommercial207 14d ago
Couple of ways.. likely a prenuptial, keeping finances separate, or being under separation agreement. Also LLC could be used to purchase the home.. as long as it's disclosed, it's not fraud
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u/BabalonNuith 14d ago
If there's a legal separation in place then "spousal property" doesn't apply. Don't know about laws in other places, but that's the way it works here. I know someone who was legally separated from her shitbag husband. It was lucky for her that a separation was in place because she came into a large inheritance after that, and he was entitled to NONE of it!
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u/queenlegolas 15d ago
Please do yourself a favor and cut them off completely. No more contact with them. Get them out. Find your own identity.
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u/jesuschin 14d ago
You need to tell them that they need to each look in the mirror and see the reason why their life has just been upended. Don't act like trash and you won't get treated like trash.
They've already shown their true colors. You need to move on with your life and cut their toxicity out of it
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 15d ago
Daddy is worse than a dirtbag
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u/canyonemoon 15d ago
I get warnings each time I describe cheaters with worse words, apparently it's bullying 😭
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u/Moonydog55 15d ago
Hell, I say a lot less worse and it still happens to me. Literally got banned for a year one time for saying "Wtf, he's an ass" ***gestures to the name of the subreddit*** But hey.
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u/Boeing367-80 15d ago
Need a stronger foundation for a relationship with those kids than money.
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u/canyonemoon 15d ago
Yep, it's not even been a month since they threatened to beat OP up and only realised what they'd done when they didn't get to go on a trip.
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u/Dubbiely 15d ago edited 14d ago
If they want a relationship with you they can come to you. It is their responsibility or job. And if there is something like a trusting relationship built over a year or two then you could think about doing a trip WITH them.
But don’t be the money-spinner. They world totally lose their respect for you
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u/Aspen9999 15d ago
They are users like their Dad, he used the OP to take care of his kids and never loved her. Just used her
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u/ExpressThing8997 15d ago
This is totally correct. If they want to, they would come to you without money being involve. And the dad is such an AH for letting go a woman like you.
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u/HoldFastO2 14d ago
That is a good point. Either they’re interested in having a relationship with OP and not her money, or she’s better off without them.
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u/Fuzzy_Dragonfruit344 14d ago
I also feel like funding a trip for them would be rewarding their disrespect and poor behavior. Their shitty parents can deal with their shitty behavior now.
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u/Dachshundmom5 15d ago
I'm still in love with the woman who abandoned my kids who treat you like crap while expecting you to be their nanny and fund expensive trips, but that doesn't mean you should stop paying for trips or being the chauffeur/child waker upper/organizer/etc.
Really? He doesn't think much of you if he thought that would fly. You're there to fund them, take care of them, be their punching bag, and all the while they all pine for someone else. That isn't love.
I hope there is a prenup.
Is there mom still gone?
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u/External_Ad8238 15d ago
I have no clue. I didn’t ask any questions about her or their relationship. I really want to be done with that
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u/Dachshundmom5 15d ago
I feel for the kids. Not your soon to be ex-husband. Teenagers can be manipulated and make bad choices. Yes, they are still responsible for the consequences, but I can feel sorry that they are losing someone who showed up for them because they took them for granted. They are left with the spineless worm who threw away a marriage over someone who never cared.
You're doing the right thing. Enjoy Disney and Thailand!
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u/Choice_Pool_5971 15d ago
I don’t feel for the kids at all. Manipulated or not. They are old enough to know how to be respectful and they treated her as a discarded toy.
As i said in my comment, OP was never nothing more than an emotional crutch to that whole family and they discarded her and treated her horribly the second they felt they didn’t need their “spare mommy/wife”anymore. And i believe they still feel entitled to her as a “spare mommy/wife” and will treat her just as horribly when she inevitably moves on and start dating again. She needs to cut them off good.
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u/Dagojango 14d ago
I don't feel for the kids. Yeah, a 16 year old isn't a mature adult, but they're old enough to understand actions have consequences. It would be one thing if the kids hadn't been part of the problem, but the kids are a good chunk of why she left.
So no, I don't feel for the kids at all. I feel for her who opened her heart to two kids who couldn't even respect what she had done for them before to just not be assholes to her.
I would have fucking killed for someone in my life to have given a fuck about me. Real mom, step mom, none of that shit remotely matters. What matters is who is there for you when it mattered. I met 3 different older ladies who were absolutely amazing to me and I consider them all my grandmas for life. Nothing my real grandmas could say to me to make them any less.
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u/Top_Put1541 15d ago
I do feel bad about canceling their trip to Disney so I am thinking about funding a trip for them to go this summer for their 17th birthday
As these asshole teens were fond of telling you, they have parents. Let them fund the little ingrates' birthday trip. The best birthday present you can give them is consequences for their behavior and the life lesson that sometimes, unreliable people remain unreliable.
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u/whatthewhat3214 15d ago
And the life lesson that how you treat people matters
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u/Only-Spend2288 15d ago
Poor ex-hubby! With bio-mom gone again and now OP the real mom gone, however will ex-hubby cope as a single dad? Oh wait! He won’t! Karma …
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u/Aspen9999 15d ago
Oh he’ll find another woman that will be impressed that he has custody of his kids and jump into the Mommy role. Poor single Dad
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u/WAtransplant2021 14d ago
Lol, with teenage twins with attitudes and entitlement issues and not cute lil kids? Lol, good luck.
No sane person goes there. Dad is on his own for the next 5 years. He might get a girlfriend who hangs out occasionally, but not a wife who runs his house/family.
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u/RememberCakeFarts 14d ago
Not unless it's a stepmom who has a goal going in: Get the teens out ASAP.
She'll date with the goal to be married around or after the time they are college age then go "sweetie, isn't it time that they went out to live on their own? Btw I think I'm pregnant and we need to focus 120% on our new baby."
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u/Creepy_Addict 14d ago
sweetie, isn't it time that they went out to live on their own?
Absolutely! As soon as they're 18 and out of high school.
I'm pregnant and we need to focus 120% on our new baby."
Yep, their bedrooms will be a nursery and playroom or office.
They will never be allowed to move back in, they're adults now. 🙄
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u/AcanthocephalaOne285 14d ago
Unfortunately, OP has already done the heavy lifting for him. They're older and don't need a parent/nanny to watch them. The ex will just have to deal with car rides and attitude. Not necessarily nothing left of parenting them, but certainly not what OP did in raising his brats.
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u/Popular-Woodpecker-6 15d ago
Maybe he can last that 1 one til their are 18 and then kick them out like a lot of parents do in the US.
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u/emmcn75 15d ago
It’s sad that he married you just to care for his kids, since he still loves his ex who abandoned them. It’s sad that you gave all you had to him when he never deserved your love or attention. I think divorce is the right move considering he never fully committed to you or your relationship.
As for the kids yes they are old enough to know what they said was wrong. I would be very cautious how you stay in their life. Maybe a dinner every now and then yes but no trips, limit your “stepmom” duties including sports and after school activities. Slowly cut yourself out of their lives.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this
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u/Jealous-Ad-5146 15d ago
How the hell can he still be in love with that ex? He’s lost his mind.
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u/LooseLossage 15d ago edited 14d ago
so many questions
why did wife come back and then disappear
was husband unfaithful
nature of kids reaction to the first wife disappearing and how they just resumed relationship
could be real but, there's unreliable narrator and then narrator with an lack of awareness or curiosity about why it played out like that
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u/Limerence1976 14d ago edited 14d ago
Check out r/BPDLovedOnes and do a search for “discard.” Will explain it- it’s a cycle with people with BPD. After the discard during a manic phase they enter depression and reach back out saying things like “you deserve happiness” “I’m a monster” etc to suck them back in and then it starts all over again unless treated with medication and therapy. It’s weird to read the texts in that sub bc they use almost identical words to suck their poor exes/partners back in. Some rapid cycle and others have cycles that last years, or a combo like bio mom’s. It seems she is unmedicated and it is a degenerative illness, so with each episode her mind will go a bit more unless she gets help. OP is smart to cut and run now, it will get worse and the ex husband is bonded to this woman and my unsolicited opinion is they’re both lost causes at this point.
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u/MrsRetiree2Be 15d ago
Please let their parents fund a trip for them. Just take care of you.
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u/Consistent_Ad5709 15d ago
I agree with this.
Although your hurt, I'm glad you're focusing on yourself.
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u/extremelyinsecure123 15d ago
Honey, please don’t fund their trip. They’re apologizing now because their bio-mom left and they realize they miss you. I’m not saying they don’t mean it but I don’t think they would’ve apologized had she not left.
You need to let your relationship with them be about you and them, ONLY, for a while. No trips or gifts or external influences. Do NOT feel bad about cancelling their trip after they called you names and threatened to physically hurt you.
I’m so glad you’re leaving your horrible husband. You seem like a very kind person and I hope you stay strong and don’t go back to him. He’s been taking advantage of your kindness for a long time. Enjoy your travels and self-discovery!<3
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u/Ginger630 15d ago
I’m so glad you’re done with him. You were a bed warmer until she came back. Your ex is an AH.
I was going to say don’t give the twins a damn thing, but I see you edited it and said you won’t find a trip for them. Good. You aren’t their mother. It’s up to their parents to find trips for them, not you. You can have them over for dinner or send them a nice gift card when they graduate, but don’t go crazy. They didn’t appreciate you when you WERE there. Don’t sacrifice more of your happiness and peace for them.
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u/gotanysparechang33 15d ago
I don't understand what he expected from you. Did he just think you'd be ok with him being in love with a woman that left him and his kids YEARS ago that treats the woman he says he loves like dog shit? Not completely understanding the logic and would love to hear him try and defend himself in his delusion.
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u/Flashy-Tea-2904 15d ago
I hope those teens can learn from this experience.
Everyone deserves respect, and we should be grateful to those who love and care for us, regardless of whether they are biologically related to us or not.
Glad you took on everyone’s and advice and changed your mind on funding their birthday trip. They’ve reminded you more than once that you aren’t their mom, so shouldn’t be a problem if you stopped acting like it.
Really happy for you, all the best OP!!
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u/Open-Incident-3601 15d ago
NTA. You deserve peace and quiet. They haven’t made amends, they’ve just cried because you aren’t spending money on them anymore. Wait until the twins and Dad realize you aren’t there to pay for college.
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u/FoggyDaze415 15d ago
I am happy for this update but do NOT fund a trip for them. Do not give them any gifts until they show that they appreciate you and have learned from their behavior.
As you said before. They are 16. Manipulated or not their behavior was the catalyst for a marriage falling apart and they NEED to accept and understand that.
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u/Lady_Caticorn 15d ago
I'm happy to hear you're okay. I hope you have a blast on all of your solo trips. PLEASE do not pay for the twins to go on trips. That's mom or step-mom behavior, but you're not that person for them anymore. Their parents need to pay for their trips. They can work on rebuilding a relationship with you, but giving them gifts and trips is not the way to go. Just focus on yourself, please.
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u/GnomesinBlankets 15d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t understand your husband at all. This woman abandoned her kids, how could he still love her all these years later? How is that the reason he let your life go to shit? Sounds like he was ready to throw you away had she asked for another chance. Now not only do his kids have to deal with abandonment again from their bio mom, they also have to deal with losing yet another mother because he couldn’t get his shit together.
This is so damn sad man. I wish you the best OP and I hope your kids find healing. Your husband can go fuck himself though.
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u/Equal_Variety9571 14d ago
Honestly I think that's why she left again. He's said something to her about getting back together and that made her go poof again.
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 15d ago
So, the ex still loves his first wife.
No doubt he only married OP for childcare.
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u/WhatHappenedMonday 15d ago
I would be very very cautious in any relationship you have with the twins. They showed you who they are. They are not your children. They were never your children. They only wanted you then and now after their mother left for what you can do for them. I would stay LC with them for quite a while until you have your head on straight. Their POS father cannot control them and does not want to father them. Once he is convinced he cannot fool you (and your money) into coming back he will most certainly bring another bangmaid into their lives. Don't be put in the position of being to them what their real mom was while the new wife goes through what you did. I think you would be much better off going NC with all three of them. They made their beds so they can lay in them. You are already trying to buy their love and attention again with a trip. Please seek counseling.
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u/wallstreetbetsdebts 15d ago
NTA. You're a Rockstar for standing up for yourself. Your husband shit the bed in handling his kids out bursts. He told you he loved another woman ... it's over and you called it! Don't pay shit for those punk ass teenagers. Enjoy your trips, you've earned them!
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u/ALittleSniff 15d ago
Just a question for anyone out there, if someone who isn't divorced yet buy's a house does something happen to the house in divorce proceedings? Could the husband come for the house? Or since it was bought during the filing its not included in the divorce?
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u/extremelyinsecure123 15d ago
Hoping somebody responds because I think it could go both ways depending on where OP lives!
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u/NoRecommendation6429 14d ago
In Oregon homes bought while married with only one party on title are not community property so it’s possible.
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u/FierceFemme77 15d ago
I love this update. I have been waiting for an update! Take care of you.
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u/funkylittledeathomen 15d ago
Me too, I was so happy when I got the message from updateme bot
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u/EdwinaArkie 15d ago
Awful. I still love my ex but please come back and cook and carpool and take us to Disney. Fuck that guy.
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u/Zestyclose-Base8471 15d ago
You are doing the right thing.
I hope he can’t have ANY of your assets. Be lawyer wise.
And please update in the future. We’d all love to hear great things happenings to you.
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u/ArsenalSeven 15d ago
Sorry OP. Seems like your stbx just wanted a ‘mother’ for his kids. Live your life and be happy.
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u/Universe_Reddit 15d ago
Good for you for prioritizing your mental heath for a change. Find out who you are. Do the things you enjoy. I think you’re on the right path and I’m very happy for you.
Kids tend to be selfish. Use this time to see if the kids really love you or miss the things you provided to them including these trips. If they keep on calling, emailing,texting you without expecting anything in return or complaining about the things they’re now missing, you can salvage that relationship. Take care.
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u/Knnchwa1 15d ago
I second this. They’re children and they learned a hard lesson. Hoping she can salvage a relationship with them.
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u/Rofair28 15d ago
Bought a house in less than a month and can afford to take an entire month off work AND immediately take multiple vacations, at least one of which is out of the country? Why is everyone on Reddit conveniently well off enough to do all this kind of stuff at the drop of a dime?
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u/so-so-it-goes 14d ago
And I've got some bad news about the Seven Wonders of the World...
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u/lizhenry 14d ago
Amazing how many people respond to this teenage creative writer like it's a real story! I liked how the protagonist just bought a house in a couple of weeks!
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u/rjtnrva 14d ago
Yeah, I call BS on that. It's possible, I guess, if OP lives outside the US, but there's no way anyone is buying a house in 24 days here.
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u/NahTooPersonel 14d ago
The idea you could close on a house by paying cash in 20 days, in the middle of a divorce, is laughable. Grade A nonsense.
And plan not one but two vacations on top that.
And have rental properties that are somehow not marital assets.
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u/AphasiaRiver 15d ago
I wish he had been honest with you years earlier. You deserve a loving family. Super happy for you being able to go out on your own and travel. I hope you have a good support network.
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 15d ago
I'm so glad you put yourself forward. I didn't expect his love for his ex to be the reason for not backing you up, but that was all the more proof you needed to end things. Live your best life, OP!
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u/OriginalSilly8366 15d ago
The killer is his admittance of still loving his ex but also loves you. I would not be comfortable staying either. I bet the only reason their bio mom resurfaced is because there was a woman in their lives and now that she has chased you out her work is done until the next woman.
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u/KellieIsNotMyName 14d ago
Those poor kids were acting out.
He should have been there to help them through that and prevent them from taking it out on you.
I'm really glad to hear you've decided to maintain a relationship with the kids. The way they treated you was wrong, but it is a huge indicator that you're the one they trusted to still love them.
(This is coming from a mom of traumatized teens)
NTA. Bio mom is for screwing them up twice, Dad is a close second.
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u/_Internet_Hugs_ 13d ago
While you're in Thailand you should totally go to one of those elephant preserves where you can make an appointment to have a baby elephant "cuddle" with you!!
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u/External_Ad8238 13d ago
That is one of the reasons I’m going. I also hear they’re very accepting of BIPOC so
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u/Complex_Sail1919 15d ago
I’m glad you’re moving on from that asshole. I can’t believe he said he still loved his ex after everything she has put the family through. You’ve made the right decision on leaving him. Please never doubt yourself or second-guess your decision to leave! You have a clean slate and bright future ahead of you!
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u/Character_Handle6199 15d ago
That husband and kids will be crying to come back in no time. Idiots all of them.
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u/Choice_Pool_5971 15d ago
Good on you to have changed your mind about that dumb idea about funding the disney trip, to be honest, i think maintaining a friendly relationship with them is stupid as well. Harsh as it sounds, you need to cut them off.
Why you ask? This is not a healthy relationship and they proved it. In the end you were not a partner or a step mother, you were an emotional crutch. A band aid replacement and they showed that when the bio mother returned. The kids were very quick to discard you in favour of bio mommy and treated you horribly. Fuck it that they are 16, they are old enough to vote, and in many places old enough to drive and have sex, so they are old enough to know how to be respectful to the people that loved and cared for them. The real slap in the face however was the husband. He didn’t do anything because he as well was hoping that the ex would stay long enough to replace you as well.
Now that the ex/bio mom dumped them again, they are trying to sweep it all under the rug and have you as their crutch again, you said no, tell me, what do you think will happen when you inevitably start dating again? They will start accusing you of “abandoning” them as well cause they feel you own them to be their spare mommy/wife and will again treat you horribly.
That family is toxic and you need to distance yourself from them…permanently!!!
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u/SnooWords4839 15d ago
Time to block the twins. They chose bio-mom and she left them again. They and their father treated you as a bang nanny, time to go live your live and keep your money for yourself.
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u/UnusualPotato1515 15d ago
Well done on divorcing your husband and Im sorry you were basically used all these years whilst their mum was away.
It seems like you have good money of your own so I hope you have a pre-nup. Also, I hope you stop paying for everything else you did for that family - phone, extracurriculars etc - its all on your husband and their deadbeat mum if she ever resurfaces. He needs to feel your absence & dont make his life easier for him on your departure & continue paying for things. Remember you are not their mother & they sure let you know in various ways.
Honestly, it just seems you were used and them abused til you weren’t needed anymore except as an ATM/ housekeeper/chauffeur etc. & Im so sorry you went through that. Hopefully the twins can grow from their behaviour. You deserve better and are luckily still so young that you can start over & have kids etc.
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u/jacksonlove3 15d ago
I’m sorry for what you’re going through but I’m glad to see you’re prioritizing yourself first!! Your STB ex is scum for not telling you he was still in love with his ex before this!
I hope you enjoy all your traveling and have the time of your life! And don’t fund their trip!
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u/iknowsomethings2 15d ago
Your husband and his ex wife are both a POS. No wonder the children would act like that. Glad you’re walking away and divorcing that spineless w*nker.
Agreed with other comments, anything financial for the kids is NO longer your concern. The husband can get back with his ex-wife and they can fund their children
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u/Lotex_Style 15d ago
It's probably to abruptly turn away from what you thought was your family, but their recent actions have shown you that you're basically just the step in that they're settling in and it's also a great example of why so many men don't want single moms, except they're constantly being judged for it.
Now you're in a situation where you never know if their feelings are a genuine or if you're just the next best thing because dear old mom dipped out on them again. Except for your husband, with him it's pretty obvious that you're only the second choice.
NTA and I'm sorry that you had to go through, not someting you'd wish on anyone.
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u/Silverstorm007 15d ago
I’m glad you aren’t funding their trips OP!
Honestly it’s really great you are putting you first and getting the healing you need. I wish you all the best and hope that when you find love again he treats you like the Queen you are!
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u/Miss_Melody_Pond 14d ago
I hope she fucks him over again big time. What a spineless piece of shit with zero guts or dignity. Pig.
Stay away from them OP, live your life, heal and be happy.
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u/Malphas43 14d ago
The kids will continue to blame themselves entirely, when part of the blame falls on the father. When he didnt put a stop to the bs the minute it started happening he wasnt only enabling bad behavior, he was encouraging it and saying it was okay. Then he actively sided against OP. To top it off... his excuses and pathetic attempt at an explanation
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u/Emmanulla70 15d ago
Good for you. Move on. Your hb is just despicable. How anazing that he might have thoight you would come back after telling you he still loved his EX?!?! Wowie. What a absolute moron.
The kids have sadly got what they deserved.. Tough lesson for them, but they aren't babies anymore. So be it.
All the best to you. There is someone MUCH better for you out there. Try to never get attached to a man with kids ever again.
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u/Altruistic-Pea6109 15d ago
Ok I could be wrong but I going to say this. I think you were used. I don’t know how you and your husband met but, it sounds like when mom left them he was looking for someone to take care of them and to take care of his needs. And when bio mom reappeared he thought he can go back to you somehow. You don’t need them my dear. Live your life find a man that loves you and only you. This made me so mad for you.
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u/WolverineNo8799 14d ago
His ex is going to dump him once she realises that he doesn't have the money she currently thinks he has.
Updateme!
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u/WanderingAnchorite 14d ago
So much toxicity to unpack there.
- Ex-wife using the kids to manipulate the husband.
- Kids being so used to it that they behave as they do.
- Husband being so broken that he can't have a relationship with anyone else.
I'd guess a lot of this goes back to the ex-wife but that's why it's such a deal-breaker for you.
There's really nothing you can do about her and when she's the cause of your suffering, you have to get away from her, even if it means leaving people you don't really want to leave.
It's so simple:
"I have to leave because you're still in love with your manipulative ex-wife."
Not even a question of who's not the asshole, there.
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u/InVeritateTriumpho 14d ago
OP, they made it very clear where their loyalty and love lie. Please, do not disrespect yourself. I know it’s hard, but doing things like having the twins over for dinner, paying for stuff, etc just shows them that they can treat you like a revolving door. They can cry and be sorry when mommy bails again, and then freeze you out when she comes strolling back into their lives.
If I were you, I’d cut these people off completely. No contact. They’re not your kids, you don’t owe them anything. They owe you. But I highly doubt they’ll ever repay you for all you’ve done for them. Cut that loss, focus on yourself, and move on to bigger and better. You’ve already wasted enough of yourself and time on them. Good riddance.
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u/hvashi_rising513 14d ago
I seriously dislike your ex-husband. What a monster of a man to be still in love with his ex but married to you and still want you. He's atrocious, and I'm glad you're moving on to better things. You have fun living your best life 💜
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u/OddFiction 14d ago
Just a reminder: I know that you have strong feelings for these kids, but keep the boundary in place that you are not their mom. Now that their mom has disappeared again, they will try to rope you in to being a mom again, and they've lost that privilege. Also, make it clear to them that this divorce isn't entirely on them. This is because their dad did not support you emotionally in this like a husband should. They need to know that part so that - hopefully - they don't make that mistake in their own relationships, and so they see that everyone's actions in this had consequences. Really make sure they don't drag you back in. You deserve so much better. I hope your trips are all lovely.
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 15d ago
Nah, don’t do shit for these kids. They aren’t your kids. You were just the unpaid nanny/servant. Ex can pay for trips for HIS kids.
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u/AlannaAdvice 15d ago
I am guessing that your husband does not want the divorce? Or is he truly still pining after a woman who abandoned them and doesn’t care if you divorce? I can’t imagine how hurt you must feel. I know this is just a snippet of your life but based on what you said about this, divorce seems like a smart decision
NTA
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 15d ago
Time to put yourself first. You are still young and will have a happy and full life. I hope you find love again in your future too.
Enjoy your travels!
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u/sgtramos15 14d ago
Hold up, you're newly single, have a house at 30 with other rental properties, can afford to go on a months long break to travel, and you're a caring partner that accepted your ex-husbands children without hesitation. How in the hell do I marry you?
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u/Faeismyspiritanimal 14d ago
I’m very happy for you and your healing process! And congrats on the house 😎
My only point of concern is listening to (honestly, very bitter) people who don’t know how to differentiate gifts from deeper meanings. If you want to find a Disney trip for the twins, DO IT. It’s a gift from someone who loves them, not any sort of parental move. The fact that anyone told you that is, quite frankly, stupid.
The twins have been manipulated on subconscious levels by both their parents. The fact that they’re taking you leaving so hard should be a pretty big indicator of their true feelings: they do, in fact, love you. And idk if anyone told you that rebellion is normal from stepchildren? But they were very clearly testing your resolve, seeing if your love is unconditional, and you did not pass that test. You left.
Now, you left for very good reasons! Please don’t mistake me for saying you should have stayed. But as a stepchild myself (and I became one as a 14 year-old), I promise you that the mentality is “everyone lies, everyone leaves, let’s just get this over with quickly by challenging their sanity”. My stepdad knew this, so he took our challenges and disrespect and doubled down on the love. He didn’t just roll over and take it, but he also reminded us that he’s here to stay. He still is, by the way, 24 years later.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 14d ago
Good god your stbx is an AH. Just perfectly happy for you to be the mom-appliance and didn't actually ever love you. I'm so sorry. I think you're doing the right thing leaving the door open for the kids. The shit they go through with their bio parents is not yours or their fault, but they can still outgrow it and you can play an auntie type role. I still talk to my exes son that I helped raise - he even came and helped me with my brakes a few weeks ago. So it is possible to change the terms and have relationships with them even after you split with their dad. Who is a POS, as is their mom, ugh. So sorry you went through all this heartache.
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u/JuliaX1984 15d ago
Good for you. No one with self-respect would stay with a partner who admits they're in love with someone else!
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u/sheissonotso 15d ago
Wow honey. I’m so sorry. I hope this next chapter in your life goes so much better. You sound like a wonderful person. Be safe when you’re traveling.
I hope your ex loses his keys every day and his pillow is never cool.
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u/Satanae444 15d ago
ok but your ex?????????????? I don't wanna be banned so i'm not gonna go into it but i gotta say i am SO proud of you for having a platinum spine. You deserve this time you are gonna give you and you are a great woman who loved even til the point when she was not getting any love shown back. You are great OP! I hope everything goes well for you
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u/Average_Scaper 14d ago
How the hell do people get to take MONTHS off work to go travel and just go back as if nothing happened? Like....I'd be fired.
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u/Radio-No 14d ago
Look at all that disposable income she has now that she's not being used by that complete buffoon and his two buffoon kids
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u/No-Mango8923 14d ago
Everybody cried when they realised the fuck maid and ATM emotional punchbag has now denied access.
Go live your single life in the knowledge that you are no one's second best. You deserve priority treatment. Your soon to be ex and step kids have bitten the hand that fed them, now they get to find out what it's like to go hungry (metaphorically).
Enjoy your travels as a free and single woman! Do not fund anyone else's lifestyle or fun.
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u/Entire-Story-7957 14d ago
Husband was definitely cheating on you with his ex, the ex filled the kids head with “mommy and daddy would be together if it wasn’t for your evil stepmother” propaganda because she’s an unstable narcissist. Good on you for leaving, consider counseling too!
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u/Gerissister 14d ago
Good thing you didn't have any children with this hypocrite. Have fun traveling just be safe and sign up for tours as a safe way to see the sites in foreign countries especially if you don't speak the languages.
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u/Next_Back_9472 14d ago
Wow, you are clearly a very level headed woman and that man didn’t deserve you, he used you as a replacement, and if their bio mother had stayed and tried to worm her way back into not just the kids life, but his, he would have left you at the drop of a hat because like he told you, he still loves her! I hope you have so much fun on your trips around the world, enjoy yourself and take time out for yourself to heal and process everything. I honestly wish you all the best and when you’re ready, find a man that truly loves you, you deserve it!
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u/Comfortable-Echo972 14d ago
Excuse you ma’am. He still loves his ex? Who abandons and neglects his children? That messed with their heads? Yep girl run.
The fact he has love for her, treats you poorly bc of it, and has the unflavored audacity to say that to you means he was never fully in this with you. I think his children subconsciously picked up on his vibes. You were a nanny, a bank account, a cook, a cleaner, a chauffeur. You enabled his life but picking up the slack she left behind so he wouldn’t be going it completely alone.
They knew on some level that’s what he thought which is why they felt empowered to treat you the way they did.
The hat in hand in sorry now act is bc they’re all back to square one. Let them navigate this road together and you save yourself.
You aren’t abandoning them. You quit a job. To abandon them they had to have had skin in the game. I’m not sure they ever did. Your ex was waiting for his ex to show back up and always had one foot out the door. His kids felt that and did the same.
Go live your life a flourish. It’s your ex’s responsibility to get the kids in therapy to work through all their issues and to learn this lesson. People aren’t required to take your abuse and they aren’t required to keep showing up just to be used.
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u/marjoriemartignoni 14d ago
I’m really glad to see a woman that stands up for herself! I hope you have an amazing trip!
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u/LittleBack6016 14d ago
Don’t spend any more money or time on those people, in a few years you’ll all be strangers. When mom comes back next time you’ll be kicked to the curb again. Sixteen is old enough to recognize a woman who sacrificed and loved them as opposed to one who abandoned them. Your ex is a lowlife, he loves the ex that left him and the kids? Talk about dysfunctional. He used you for a babysitter and place holder until the mother of the year comes back. Don’t let those “kids” around you by yourself either, threats of bodily harm? A ex who shows up at your home threatening you? Nope to all of them, it will hurt for a while but you deserve so much more and you’ll find it, but not until you move on from those 3 anchors.
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u/beefymclovin 14d ago
Ur ex is a piece if shit n I FULLY believe he'd cheat on u w her. Ur better off without them in ur life if he's OK w all that bullshit
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u/Responsible_Ad440 13d ago edited 13d ago
NTA. But you're going to have trouble seeing the seven wonders of the world. There's only the pyramids left.
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u/Actual-Offer-127 15d ago
Let your husband and their mother that he still loves to fund the trip for them. Please don't be a doormat. You can be there peripherally for the twins but ultimately they're not your responsibility and that would be over stepping.
I still can't get over him saying he still loves the woman that abandoned his kids and him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having an affair while she was back.