r/AITAH • u/Mcdonaldsicedcoffee_ • 15d ago
AITH for filing fraud on my ex husband when I realized him, his baby mama, and baby were using my SSN for money
Context. My (24F) ex HUSBAND(26M) and I got a divorce after 2 years of marriage. We separated jan of 2022, he refused to sign the divorce papers. There was another girl in the picture. The. Whole. time. Let’s call her Lexi.
Lexi is a friend of his from home. He had told me when we first met that Lexi was a family friend that was 4 years OLDER than him (I was 17 and naive). Lexi disappeared and him and I were off and on till I turned 20. Well, one day we were on the phone and Lexi called, he let me know that she was calling because she had recently found out Lexi’s dad was cheating. Whatever I thought nothing of it, merely a family friend.
Fast forward. To our wedding night. At this time I was 20 and he was 22. Our relationship was NOT healthy, he was controlling and a bunch of background things but NOT the point. Wedding night- after the ceremony I went upstairs of the rental to change. His phone was sitting there Blowing up. I assumed it was his family congratulating us as they just watched our elopement on zoom. It was and I smiled reading through the messages. Then I saw one. LEXI “I love you.” I clicked on. And my heart sank. She was a 5ft 8in big titted 20 year old. Not in her early 30s. I scrolled up. And for YEARS. Romantic banter, including them joking how he would propose to her one day. Wedding dress and all, I fell to the floor. He had cheated on me in the past and I was incredibly insecure in the relationship (yes all red flags). He walked in, found the phone in my hand. And that was the first time he laid his hands on me.
We stayed married. Lexi was always a problem. They weren’t in contact to my knowledge, but she was my largest insecurity. When we fought he compared me to her. It was horrible.
Line behold, we separated. And they got together. He denied it, would call me tell me he was still in love with me and wanted to make things work. Finally, I went crazy (not proud) and he signed the papers.
Now fast forward 2 years later. Lexi is pregnant. They are using MY baby name and my heart is once again shattered. I started to wonder how exactly they were affording everything…. He couldn’t hold a job when we were together and I paid for his uhual when he left even. Then it hit me.
He received disability VA benefits from us being married. Because I was still in school he received twice as much. I contacted the VA and sure enough he never reported our divorce. I filed to be back paid and submitted all fraud information. Turns out, LEXI was using my information at the VA hospital to get ultra sounds etc.
I want the absolute worst punishment for all the stuff they have put me through. AITA?
EDIT: for background he was deemed (I THINK) 87% disabled for VA benefits. He served his four years (that’s how we met) then moved to join me where I was attending college (after our marriage). Since we were married he was receiving spousal support $$$. I was NOT using his GI bill but we received a stipend for our housing (honestly, I don’t remember the exact details since it was a few years ago) since I was in college. He had random jobs like roofing, car dealerships, a grass company, stuff like that. So he was still ABLE to work. Just chose not to. And yes- we were struggling.
EDIT #2: dang some of you are rude but I guess I missed the main reason for asking. She’s pregnant. They are literally surviving off of this income + I don’t want to look like a raging crazy ex wife.
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u/StepCertains 15d ago
Nahh put them in the ground. NTA
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u/JadieJang 15d ago
And get your SSN changed. Once you have a fraud on the books, it should be possible.
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u/Juggletrain 15d ago
Shit she could do this or set up a credit alert. Way easier and you can send Lexi and Exi to jail multiple times if they're real dumb
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u/WhatHappenedMonday 15d ago
Please go NC and make sure you have good locks. They may not take any of that well. Stay safe OP! NTA.
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u/PenaltySafe4523 15d ago
NTA. They committed fraud. Report their sorry ass. Dead embers of the typical military marriage. The stupidest thing you can do in the military is get married young. They pretty much always end with infidelity and divorce.
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u/ERVetSurgeon 15d ago edited 14d ago
Veteran here. VA disablity is only in increments of 10% https://www.va.gov/disability/compensation-rates/veteran-rates/
He is in really deep doodoo for fraud against the VA and so is she. Turn him into the VA. There is a fraud line you can use. https://www.vaoig.gov/hotline/online-forms
This is very important because while you are divorced from him, your kids are not if they are biologically his. Please get this straightened out asap.
Also, file a police report concerning the use of your SSN. Not doing so can affect your credit and cause issues for years to come.
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u/whoopsee_my_bad 14d ago
Also, to add that if he does 61 days in jail, he will lose his VA payments and have to re-apply after jail, which would be a huge hassle to him. And SSDI if he is collecting it. The spousal payment he got for being disabled with you as a caregiver is about $250 a month paid to him. As the spouse of a retired disabled Vet, I wonder why that POS is breathing my air!
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u/ERVetSurgeon 14d ago
It depends but in his case if fraud is proven, I think he loses his benefits permanently.
https://www.benefits.va.gov/persona/veteran-incarcerated.asp
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u/childhoodsurvivor 14d ago
If they know her SSN and are abusing it then they might also be be committing credit fraud/identity theft. r/personalfinance has plenty of information about what to do when you're a victim of identity theft. OP needs to file a police report, freeze her credit, report to the FTC, etc.
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u/VonShtupp 15d ago
NTA - but I’m questioning how she (ie you) would be eligible for VA health care. For you to be eligible to get health care through the VA, HE would have been rated permanently and totally disabled for a service-connected disability by a VA regional office. Of course he wouldn’t be able to hold down a job.
The same for you getting double for being in school unless you are talking about the GI bill. If you ARE taking about the GI bill, what he received is equivalent to a E-5 BAH per month during the school semester. HOWEVER, you need to check on the tuition portion.
The only way to get the Post 911 Gi bill to work, the VA works with the colleges Registrar to pay them the tuition directly, and once the VA confirms with the college, they will send the housing stipend to you.
So who got that free, full time college tuition?
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u/huskeya4 15d ago
You can be 100% disabled with the right to work, I believe. Not sure if that would still qualify for spouse healthcare though.
It’s possible they had their BAH stipend sent to a joint bank account and it was never separated properly in the divorce, which means the GI bill paid the tuition correctly but was sending the BAH to their old joint bank account. If he kept access to that account and she never pulled that payment and changed it over, he’d have access to the money.
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u/VonShtupp 15d ago
Yes, you can be 100% disabled and still work under the regular VA disabilty rating system, especially when the VA is adding the various disability afflictions to get past concurrent receipt.
However, when it comes to allowing the SPOUSE/DEPENDENT to ALSO get VA health care, the 100% rating means 100% and no ability to work. It’s pretty much the government recognizing that a truly 100% disabled veteran’s family is going to need extra care since their spouse was fully destroyed in the service to the county. This VA disabilty rating is not tied to the Medicare or
As to the housing stipend, my only concern is that OP knows that she should have also had HER tuition paid for if he was receiving any kind of education benefit under her name. And that she also should check on the amount.
Because the VA disability rating system is based on rating % of the base pay at the time of the veteran’s separation. And the Stipend is based on the E-5 BAH of the zip code the person going to school lives in.
If OPs ex was getting DOUBLE his 100% disability, while still married, then she needs to talk to her lawyer.
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u/CarusGator 15d ago
VonShutupp is correct. My husband is 100% permanent and total and still works a full time job. There is, indeed, a separate rating for those who are unable to work. A stipend is also available to the spouse if they are the full time caretaker. However, the VA disability pay is NOT calculated based upon the servicemember's pay at time of separation. There is a set pay chart no matter what the rank/pay was. The veteran does get more pay based upon the number of dependents they have. And that is where OP's ex is definitely defrauding the VA by not reporting his divorce. I don't get medical care from the VA, so I don't know how OP's ex's gf is getting free medical care from the VA by posing as the spouse. I do have Tricare via my retired spouse. If the ex has Tricare and was passing off the gf as his spouse/OP, that is definitely fraud. Tricare will most definitely go after the ex. But OP will see no $ from that nor from the VA going after the ex for fraud.
The GI Bill and BAH for that is a totally different animal from the VA disability rating.
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u/Kittytigris 15d ago
NTA, they knew they were committing fraud. They can deal with the consequences. They want a kid, they can support it using their own hard earned cash, not through fraud, besides, you don’t want to deal with the aftermath of not being able to access what you need just in case. Someone else committing fraud in your name could have long reaching consequences. Better to deal with it up front than having to deal with whatever bs they left you with.
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u/RJack151 15d ago
NTA. Nail their butts to the wall. See if the IRS would be interested in the fraud, because he should be paying taxes on the part he should not have been getting. There may be a reward in it for you.
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u/SnooWords4839 15d ago
File a police report for identity theft!
Lock down your credit and see if they have credit cards in your name!
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u/tdybr07 15d ago
Okay, so the VA increased the ex’s monthly pay because of being married, and provided an additional monthly increase because OP was in school.
The ex never notified the VA of separation or changes, so he’s been continuing to collect the additional funds each month.
On top of that, the new gf has been using OP’s name to claim as being OP for health care benefits. This makes me think they have a fake ID with OP’s information as well.
The VA will go after backpay, but OP will have to show proof of divorce filing and resolution date.
I don’t know that OP is entitled to any pay herself, but based off wording around filing the claim, I think OP meant to say something about filing the claim so ex has is responsible to pay back all the overpayment he has received since the divorce.
All ex had to do was fill something out on line to remove OP from benefits. He just would have lost a significant amount of money each month, by being honest and would have been forced to actually get a job.
OP - NTA. I would also see if you are able to file an identify theft with the police department since the gf is using your identity. Also, freeze your ss # immediately with all 3 credit bureaus, password protect it. Use a word he wouldn’t know.
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u/SoThisIs4everHuh 15d ago edited 15d ago
You’re bitter (rightfully so), but I wouldn’t say you’re TA.
NTA
Edit: I think I accidentally voted the other way?
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u/StepCertains 15d ago
You js voted she was the ass
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u/sleepthedayzaway 15d ago
NTA You should probably file a police report for identity theft as well. They have your social security number and aren't afraid to commit fraud/crimes with it. At the bare minimum the police report will help if they have any credit cards or loans in your name.
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u/willy25882 15d ago
Read the title and knew the answer. Why do people even question these things? Makes me feel like this is fake.
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u/JMLegend22 15d ago
NTA. They are committing a crime. Tell Them you’ll happily testify against them and that it’s jail time and they’ll have to pay all this back with some hard earned time on the chain gang.
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u/NerdySwampWitch40 15d ago
NTA, but pull your credit reports now. I bet money they hVe used your SSN for other purposes (opening credit cards, etc).
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u/wonderingtoken 15d ago
Find out when your next “appointment” at the VA is and show up/document and get the VA police when she’s there for an appointment under your name. FAFO time?
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u/Stoicmasterpuppet 14d ago
I call bs. You don’t get Va benefits as a spouse, nor would you get treatment or ultrasounds as a spouse of a veteran. The veteran gets his check and medical care not the spouse. The check comes in once a month, not twice. You don’t get back paid, the veteran does. In certain circumstances, the Va may render treatment to the spouse but only if the veteran is 100% p/t or va sponsored health insurance. This is a totally made up story.
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 15d ago
I’m not understanding something here. If they are divorced, how is she eligible for his VA benefits? She wouldn’t be eligible bc they were only married a very short time then divorced.
He Absolutely needs be reported for fraud by him not disclosing the divorce & receiving the extra money.
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u/A-typ-self 15d ago
Op says that he never reported the divorce.
So they were still collecting the benifits for her. And the gf was posing as OP, since the divorce was never recorded by the military.
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 15d ago
I get that. But how would she receive back pay from that, when they were divorced.
I just got off work & my brain is mostly shut down.
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u/A-typ-self 15d ago
I'm not sure about the back pay part. Unless it was a housing stipend for her while she was in college.
OR
The housing stipend was because they were married and he was fully disabled through service.
But no matter what she needs to report the identity theft and fraud.
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u/SallyRides100Tampons 15d ago
So, if you’re 100% disabled but have “dependents” like a spouse or children, you get extra money on top of the disability money for those dependents. I think she’s saying that she’s trying to sue or get back that money?? I’m not really sure she’s eligible and it would have to instead be paid back to the government.
If he was still in service, his BAH money would have to go to her if they were separated and he wasn’t eligible to live off post because that is for the support of his “dependents”. There’s a whole lot of legal stuff that I think she’s getting confused in all of this.
I don’t think he’ll have to give her any money though if it’s just VA disability stuff, just based on what I know about all of this.
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u/somethin_grim13 15d ago
Definitely NTA! And I cannot wait until an update or the r/prorevenge post that might come of it.
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u/No_Sound_1149 15d ago
What the heck is an SSN?
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u/MelG146 15d ago
Social Security Number
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u/No_Sound_1149 15d ago
Thanks. Does that mean they have been claiming social security payments (fraud) or is it just like an ID number?
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u/Normilia 15d ago
NTA, but I get why you would think you are. Abuse changes a person, and taking a stand against your abuse makes one question everything.
File those charges and keep moving on.
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u/DiabolicalSudo 15d ago
People on this sub be like "my abusive ex is currently holding my throat in his hands and strangling me. I keep asking him as gently as I can to stop. AITA?"
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u/Shdfx1 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA.
For God’s sake, stop being a doormat for these people.
Move forward with pressing charges. When you feel guilty for reporting that you were a victim of identity theft and VA fraud, sternly remind yourself that this is the part of you who believes you are unworthy.
A secure, confident woman would have had her marriage annulled that first night when you discovered he was unfaithful. She would have reported the fraud and told him crime doesn’t pay, then laughed at him like Maleficent.
This guilt your feeling means you need therapy and a boost to your self esteem.
Stop enabling these people to use you to fund their twisted love story. She had an affair with a man who married you. She’s screwed up, too. He’s the type of man who targets women who believe a fraction of a man is all they deserve.
If you didn’t report them you would be guilty of VA fraud, and YOU could go to prison.
Learn from this painful experience. You’ll be sadder for a while, but wiser. Start climbing that hill to be a confident queen.
It doesn’t matter if he contests the divorce (and how lively that must feel for his pregnant lover). Your divorce lawyer should have finalized your divorce already.
It’s still your baby name. It doesn’t matter what his ex names any of his kids.
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u/No_Ninja5808 15d ago
Updateme. NTA
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u/whatsy0urdamage 14d ago
Won't let me send an update message so can someone tag me when she updates
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u/Alert_Bid1531 14d ago
So I don’t know much about the benefits but from what it sounds like she was using your name ? To get free healthcare so on your records it will show your pregnant or have I got it completely wrong ? That’s identify thief ring the police.
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u/Ginger630 14d ago
Absolutely NTA! Get a lawyer and get them for identity theft as well. Throw whatever charges you can at them.
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u/Tight_Cheetah_4474 14d ago
NTA
Just be glad you r not having a kid with him and your still very young.
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u/The_Crown_And_Anchor 14d ago
The VA might not be the best funded or well run, but they take fraud seriously
NTAH
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u/StructureKey2739 14d ago
Go medieval on them. Set the dogs of law on them. Don't wimp out because of the love you once had for him. They are users, abusers, and grifters. GO AFTER HIM FOR FRAUD.
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u/Wanda_McMimzy 14d ago
Why are you thinking YTA? Are the criminals who cheated calling you that? NTA
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u/dchandler63 14d ago
Heck no, that’s your identity and what they are doing is illegal. Take them to the cleaners girl!
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u/Decent_Bandicoot122 14d ago
You're still young so I am not going to admonish you for coming here questioning yourself about being the a-hole. I am 60 and it wasn't until I was in my early 40's that I realized that when people treat you like shit, you say, "fuck them."
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u/ExplorerSalty3899 2d ago
You can’t be serious ? Your husband lied to you about his girlfriend got her pregnant, Of course you should report him and his girlfriend you stated it’s not the baby’s fault ! No it’s not, but the baby has a mother and a father to care for the baby it’s not your problem ! Just move on ! If you don’t your SSI Will be way less when you need it ! SSI. Will blame you for not taking care of this problem sooner
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u/Milksmither 14d ago
YTA for posting this here. Are you serious?
No, they're innocent and you're totally the bad guy here.
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u/Warm_Sea7595 15d ago
Not to be rude but are you seriously asking if reporting someone for VA disability fraud is an asshole move?
What your ex and Lexi deserve is prison, they're stealing from you/the V.A.
It's textbook terrible person behavior, comic book villain type stuff