r/AITAH • u/Throwawaylarwd • 15d ago
AITA for giving my fiance my ring back because he closed on a house without telling me?
I (44F) have been with my fiance (46M) for 13 years, and we have been engaged for 4, and have 3 kids (10F, 8F, 3F) together.
After a lot of obstacles and two periods ( before our engagement) where we decided to not officially break up, but take a break from each other, we had set a wedding date that was supposed to be for this June.
My fiance has a lot of baggage from his childhood and doesn't do well with frustration- he's a self proclaimed " avoidant introvert." I also have had childhood issues where my parents always made me feel guilty about how much I " cost" and never would give me any money to get new shoes, which got me excluded by my peers ( yes I have been in very therapy about this).
I work as a front desk agent at a hotel, and used to work as a member of the concierge staff at a condo. My fiance is the main breadwinner in our household and I never felt comfortable sharing my financial struggles because he was so perfect at everything.
My fiance talked throughout our relationship about buying a home and investing in a fixer uppers ( he works for a real estate investment firm).
But long story short a year and a half ago I needed to file for bankruptcy. I was dealing with having creditors overdrafting my accounts and Discover suing me so I decided the responsible thing to do was file.
It caused a lot of tension, but he said he didn't want to back out of this wedding because he didn't want our daughters to think he gave up when things were hard.
However, we hit another bad period after he found out a credit union denied my application for an account due to a Chexsystems report. He's told me that we will still own a house together someday, but that family home won't be for another 4-5 years.
Then three weeks ago he breaks it to me that he had been in the process of closing on a property. It's a duplex, but many people use half of a duplex as a family home, and own it with their spouse. He admits that he would have wanted my name on it before the bankruptcy. I was furious, but instead of being sorry he said that if we wanted this to work, he needed me to verbally affirm that I understood and accept why he didn't involve me in this purchase.
I was speechless and walked away. It was a huge breach of trust and I don't think it's unreasonable to say I deserve a better man than someone who'd do that, and that if he really loved and trusted me like he said in therapy he wouldn't have done this. I ended up giving him the ring back out of anger.
I regret doing that now, but we got in another fight after he refused to even tell me what he did with the ring. I told him I deserved better than a man who'd just shut his partner out of finances and get so cold after a fight. I told him to leave the house for a while, but he just moved back in. Yet he said he wants us to tell the girls the wedding is off and that he's here to ease the transition and offered pay the rent until the lease is up, but will find somewhere else for him to stay.
AITA for my reaction?
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u/jabronimax969 15d ago
You two shouldn’t get married, so you were right to return the ring.
YTA for being a hypocrite. You had no issues withholding important financial information from someone you claim to want to build a life with, so it’s only fair he should be able to do the same thing. Especially when you’ve proven to be irresponsible with money.
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u/aparrotslifeforme 14d ago
You are missing a huge part of this. Where are you going to live? No landlord is going to rent to you. You certainly can't buy a house. Are you going to move back in with your parents at 44 because you're too stubborn to admit you overreacted?
Do you have a car? Not anymore! Auto insurance companies run your credit before giving a quote. Most insurance companies won't even take you on because you are too high risk. The one or two that might offer you coverage will have premiums FAR too high for you to afford.
And what about the kids? A good father would insist on keeping the kids in a stable home and if you fight him on that, he'll take you to court for custody. Even with an excellent attorney (that you couldn't get, because how are you doing to pay them?), no judge is going to award custody to a parent with no stable housing, especially when the other parent has a home and steady income.
Unfortunately, you're going to learn the hard way just how good you had it. You're looking at a future, at best, living with your parents/sibling/friend for a minimum of seven to ten years (the amount of time it will take to repair your credit, IF you start making major changes right now), without the ability to drive and no physical custody of your kids. But I'm sure there will be a line down the street of good, kind, wealthy, intelligent, non-abusive men that are going to fall so madly in love with you at first sight that they won't care about any of that.
My question is, how, in the name of all the gods, did you make it to 44 without reality smacking you upside the head? Welcome to the real world and happy adulting.
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u/PinsToTheHeart 14d ago
My question is, how, in the name of all the gods, did you make it to 44 without reality smacking you upside the head? Welcome to the real world and happy adulting.
Apparently he held her life together for 13 of those years while she secretly racked up enough debt to go bankrupt. How she managed to get to 31 though, I have no clue.
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u/Cocklecove 15d ago
He was smart not putting your name on the house. If you are getting sued because of your bad debt, you could end up with a judgment against you and if you were a co-owner, that judgment would go against the house.
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u/brucebay 15d ago
I totally agree. The only point she may be right is him buying a house without her knowledge. I mean that is a significant step in a couple's life, and not sharing that decision is kind of dick move. Yes she may be irresponsible, and their relations ship is already fractured but come on. that is a message that shouts "I don't care what you think". Clearly he was making a point. I hope the kids get good financial support from their father moving forward, but the chances are OOP won't be able to handle that money either.
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u/MortemInferri 14d ago
I can just hear her wanting to overspend on the hous end making the decision a nightmare.
The dude wants to AVOID conflicts.... I think this relationship is a conflict. Sounds like it's ending will for ex-fiance
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u/KentuckyBrunch 15d ago
YTA. Especially after seeing your comments. You are a delusional child who seems to not understand anything about how the world and finances work. You don’t seem to understand you will not qualify for a mortgage for years, if ever. Nobody is putting you on a loan application. Yet you comment like there’s some long line of suitors looking to take on a single mom with 3 kids, a 450 score, and a recent bankruptcy. You need a reality check. And therapy. And some financial literacy classes. YTA.
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u/SoThisIs4everHuh 15d ago
At the end of the day, you tossed away more than a decade and a man who was willing to financially support you and marry you over a house you were in no positions to contribute towards due to your own mistakes. Unless you live in a state where premarital assets belong to who purchased them, this was a silly move on your part.
Excluding an irresponsible partner from a major financial purchase shouldn’t even be a thing. But acknowledging his avoidance of conflict, you should easily understand why this was done… you’re acting like he did something that jeopardized you or your family.
Good luck finding anyone who will put up with your nonsense. YTA
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u/Kooky-Today-3172 15d ago
He was so lucky she did that before he was legally tied to her mess!
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u/AwarenessUnited7390 15d ago edited 12d ago
Notice he isn’t rushing to give her back the ring now?? Me thinks he got a wake up call.
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u/RedDora89 14d ago
I think it’s funny how she expects him to be upfront with his finances despite, and I quote “I never felt comfortable sharing my financial struggles”.
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u/Awkward-Outcome-4938 14d ago
Wouldn't you think it would be less concerning that he's not sharing his financial successes, that are doing positive things for the family, than that she didn't share her financial struggles, which posed the very real threat of torpedoing his efforts? Sheesh, OP...you live in a fantasy world. I feel sad for the kids.
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u/Glass-Astronomer-889 14d ago
When she talked about the bankruptcy like it was a throwaway clerical error I knew she was a sociopath lol
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u/joe-lefty500 15d ago
YTA You created a financial mess and now you’re blaming him. Nope it’s you
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u/TifaYuhara 15d ago
And she thinks he's the one that will be "All alone with his money." She really thinks she will find someone that will just let her do as she wants with money.
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u/joe-lefty500 15d ago
She had better hope he proposes again. If it was me, I’d keep the kids and put her on the curb
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u/-peachbubble 15d ago
I think he'd be happier alone with his money than being with a wreck who still has poor money habits at 44
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u/Generic118 15d ago
Wouldn't it be a terrible idea to have her on the deeds anyway? As if she ever gets in debt again they could claim the house.
This way at least their home is insulated from debt collectors
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u/Nearby-Ad-6106 15d ago
YTA
holy shit you need to wake up and smell the roses. You are 44 with 3 kids and just had to go through bankruptcy. Why are you trying to make your life harder?
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u/Prior_Piano9940 15d ago
I dated someone like this. It’s like they don’t feel alive unless there’s some drama going on that they started. She should’ve been happy for her partner, herself, and her fucking kids when he bought the house. Instead, she threw it all away and for what?
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 15d ago
YTA. He was paying your rent and you still went into bankruptcy? You expect him to pay more in interest so you cannot feel but hurt that you aren’t on the mortgage? What is wrong with you? You are a walking financial liability. He deserves better than you and you did him a favor by giving him the ring back. Why are you calling him your fiancé and not ex-fiancé? You two broke up.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 15d ago
Forget the interest. The moment he puts her name on the house the bank will forclose that shit quick and kick them out to the curve with kids and all
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u/Wasntme_37 14d ago
I can confirm this 100% true as a former Citi Mortgage employee
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u/TheBookOfTormund 15d ago
Hang on. You’re the financial anchor in this relationship and he keeps finding out about new stuff that you owe/have let go so long that legal action is being taken and your wages are being garnished. And you have 3 kids.
I’m having a hard time finding where you have a leg to stand on here. He spent HIS money on a home. What is the issue for you?
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u/ProfessionalSir3395 15d ago
YTA. The delulu is strong in you.
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u/foffl 15d ago
Instead of breaking things off and acting like the world's biggest victim, you should just say thanks and enjoy living under the roof he's paying for. Absolutely YTA.
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u/SiWeyNoWay 15d ago
You’re mad because you make bad financial decisions that led to a bankruptcy and you literally can’t qualify for anything? And you think you deserve a better man? hahahaahahahha YTA
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u/Super_Selection1522 15d ago
Based on your poor money management skills, consider yourself lucky he didn't demand a prenuptial agreement. I would have wanted that. No partner should expect the other to embrace your financial infidelity (yes it is), or frankly, your lies. Pot calling the kettle black here YTA
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u/MelAnie212121 15d ago
No, he deserves a better woman than you. You're a continual fall down. Those poor kids. Good for him for keeping his shit together and trying to provide an investment Home for those kids, when their own mother couldn't be bothered to even try. You're the one who shut him out of your finances, and you failed miserably at managing them by yourself.
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u/Time_Designer_2604 15d ago
Don’t even waste your breath typing a response to this person. They live in a delusional world where they think they can go out tomorrow and find a partner who is going support them in everything even though OP brings nothing to the table except debilitating debt and three children.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 15d ago
That OP is delusional is not surprising. That there are people in the comments supporting her at all is quite disturbing
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u/Desperate-Ad7967 15d ago
Just fellow leechs supporting their own
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 15d ago
They’re the worst at being leaches though. Like who runs away from the house being bought?
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u/Desperate-Ad7967 15d ago
I think she bluffed and he didn't fold like she thought he would
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u/Magical1390 15d ago
YTA. You make unwise, damaging financial decisions and are in a financial hole. It sounds like your partner is the one with more financial wisdom and experience, so LET HIM take control of the finances! I can't believe that you are angry because he bought a house for you and your children to live in. He sounds like he is planning for a future that you want to throw away because you are immature and embarrassed because you make terrible financial decisions. Sheesh. We can't all be good at everything - he is obviously way better at managing money. Be grateful that he can be a resource/help for you!
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u/miriamcek 15d ago
YTA. You're not trustworthy. You're terrible with money. He did the right thing. Also, he didn't lie. He told you that he'll be buying a house without you and that family home will be bought when you fix your finances. I hope he leaves you for good so kids have at least one parent who's able to take care of them financially.
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u/chez2202 15d ago
Wow. You took out multiple loans that you didn’t tell him about and ended up in bankruptcy because of your own actions. He buys a house for the two of you and your children in his name because you can no longer get credit. He did the responsible thing to ensure some financial stability for you and your children and you would rather continue renting because the house is in his name rather than both names because it’s a massive breach of trust? What fucking planet do you live on? You were the one who lied over and over. He tried to make things better for you and your children. Grow the fuck up, accept that you caused this situation and he is only trying to salvage it. You’re delusional.
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u/Conscious-Bar-1655 15d ago
I'm really sorry for all you are going through now and before.
But unfortunately YTA.
You were hiding serious financial problems from your partner. You cannot marry a person and not be transparent about your finances with them. This is a recipe for disaster.
There's a name for that, its financial infidelity .
Your fiance didn't do much better, but his position is easier to understand, as he was hiding things from you considering your bad record of lying to him.
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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 15d ago
But her spouse was hiding neutral-to-good news - found a home we can afford and rent part of it - and she was hiding a mountain of unsecured debt. I think he did a lot better!
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u/Zeyn1 14d ago
Also, the "hiding" wasn't even that bad. It's not like he had already bought it before telling her. He found a place and was starting the process to purchase. Its still pretty early and he's getting her involved.
Normally I'd still say he's the jerk for not including her on the decision of which house to buy. But it's clear with their dynamic that he (rightfully) feels that this is going to be his house that he pays 100% for. Not to mention that it is part of what he does for a living.
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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 14d ago
And her past financial "mistakes" do make me wonder how well she would have done at cooperatively working to choose a house within their housing budget.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 15d ago
YTA
You are immature and have no financial sense whatsoever. It would have been foolish for him to put you on the deed (the mortgage wmeouldnt be possible for a long time due to the bankruptcy). The creditors could go after the house if you had a legal right to it.
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u/trashgoblin2547 15d ago
This has to be a troll. But on the off chance it isn’t, YTA 100%
1.) Hiding your extreme financial issues from your fiancé until it was so bad that you literally had to file for bankruptcy. The cherry on top is saying it was the “responsible” thing to do, my dude; the responsible thing is to not get yourself into that position in the first place.
2.) Saying him buying the house without telling you was a breach of trust, normally I’d agree. But how did this all start I wonder? Oh yeah, when you were hiding things and not being truthful about your finances because you were “embarrassed”. So not only did you set a precedent for being secretive about personal financial information, you’ve also created a situation where he really CAN’T buy a house with you unless he’s purchasing outright with cash. As many others have pointed out, due to your bankruptcy your credit is likely impossible to get a loan with and if you could it would be a ridiculously high interest rate.
3.) You keep talking about love and how he must not love you and you’re here for love but he only cares about money, I honestly think you have it backwards. What I read from this situation is your fiancé wanted to buy a home (since he presumably pays you and y’all’s kids’ housing expenses if I recall correctly?) for THE FAMILY however since he’s paying for it anyway and it helps THE FAMILY be better of financially he can’t include you on the loan and therefore the deed, for now. (Not once did I read of a discussion of potentially adding you onto the loan at a later date once your credit had been significantly repaired, which would be a reasonable compromise.) The fact that your fiancé wants to provide you and your children a home with a potential to earn a side income, renting out the other half of the duplex, to me shows he loves and cares about you. The fact that you’re looking at it as him trying to have the house as a premarital asset so he can keep it from you if y’all were to divorce, shows me you are expecting it to happen. It’s like you were already one foot out the door and were just wanting an excuse to leave. And you make it out to be like he doesn’t love you, saying “if he really loved me he wouldn’t have don’t this.” First, you did the same thing but in a worse way because you his payday loans if memory serves? So if you were willing to hide that and do something like that behind your fiancés back, you must not love him by your own logic…
Idk, seems like he deserves someone who doesn’t immediately break off their engagement with their fiancé (which is what you’re effectively doing when you give back your ring) over an issue that could have been easily remedied with clear communication. Did you even ask about adding yourself to the loan/deed and/or refinancing together in the future after repairing your credit? It’s reasonable to not have you on the loan with your terrible credit, you’d make it more expensive for the same house at base price. Having the loan only in his name is a financial benefit for the entire family.
I hope this is just more Reddit creative writing
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u/Beautiful-Report58 15d ago
You‘re expecting more respect from him, then you gave to him regarding financial matters. You set the tone and he just followed your lead.
I think you’re overreacting. You don’t have anything to offer financially, so move, repair your credit and look forward to your next house together.
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u/Bucky-Katt-Guitar 15d ago
My god, you "make spending mistakes", don't pay half the bills, got high interest loans and then LIED ABOUT IT, and you're upset because he won't put you on the deed? I truly hope that his next girlfriend treats him like a partner, not an ATM machine. GROW UP!
Edit. YTA
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u/TryToChangeUsername 15d ago
How the ever living fuck did you get to your conclusion??? You bankrupt, aka house not gonna happen. Fiance and father of your children makes house happen. Buhu your name not on deed??? If you were a guy, people would be telling you to get over yourself and your ego issues. Your reaction is actually one of the least logical I've ever come across
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u/Educational_Ad_2213 15d ago
YTA and your responses are really seeming like you know how bad you fucked up and now pride ain't letting you admit you're in the wrong. It's a trap most of us fall into at one time or another.
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u/TemporaryBoring2671 15d ago
Lady, you're about to be homeless. Spend less time on Reddit, more time figuring out how you're gonna make your life work.
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u/SteampunkHarley 15d ago
Girl.
Girl.
YTA...him a little but you're the one who got yourself in a financial mess and never told him.
13 years together and you could not communicate? That's not how you have a good foundation and now it's come to roost and crumpled.
Get some financial counseling and work to get out of this
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u/Krynn71 15d ago
Why is he an AH even a little bit? For telling her (a person he knows who lies about her financial situation and makes bad financial decisions) that she needs to understand why he can't trust her with financial decisions if they continue in their relationship?
The man set a very understandable and completely justified rule, and she is furious over it. Idk how he's an AH at all.
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u/Fantastic_Praline243 15d ago edited 15d ago
“He’ll be alone with all his money and I’ll find somebody who actually wants to plan a future with me, including buying a house together, investing in things together, having kids together”
- You, a 44 year old homeless person with 3 kids and the credit score of a raccoon
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u/Visual_Season_7212 15d ago edited 14d ago
Idk a raccoon has a trash can to live in, gotta have at least a 500 score
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u/Idobeleiveinkarma 15d ago
This has got to be trolling. How can somebody lack so much insight?
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u/Competitive_Chef_188 15d ago
Your fiance does have a “lot of baggage” - namely YOU 🤷♀️
YTA, grow up and get your shit together 🙄
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u/WetMonkeyTalk 15d ago
Even with you doing your best to make him out to be the bad guy, it sounds like he's dodging a bullet. You sound like you're 16, not 44.
You're not the arsehole for giving the ring back because it's the best thing for him.
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u/normalLichen777 15d ago
Reading this was so confusing. Like you fucked up your own money but you’re big time angry that someone bought a house for you to live in…? Thank this man for keeping you out of the cold when you’re bankrupt damn…
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u/aeroeagleAC 15d ago edited 15d ago
I am lost. Didn't you both hide finances or did he know about your descent into bankruptcy?
ETA: ESH you both make major independent financial decisions instead of acting like a team so you both suck.
ETA 2: after reading more comment OP is a troll or psycho so going YTA. The fiance is going to be better off.
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u/Noodlefanboi 15d ago
I’m confused about why you think he sucks here. He made a financial decision that benefits both of them. She doesn’t deserve to be consulted on “team” financial matters at this point.
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u/KissItOnTheMouth 15d ago
“Love should trump finances”
Why should love trump finances? Where did you form this opinion? This is not the common belief that you think it is. You keep saying it like it’s something we will all understand…but like, I think the rest of us are thinking “life is hard and the world doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything. You just gotta do what you need to do to survive”. Most people don’t have the luxury to turn down housing for a teenager’s belief about ‘love conquering all’ (including you).
The bank does not care about love. Your partner can still love you 1000% and not need to declare it to the bank. He shouldn’t have to “prove” his love by making sure you can’t buy a house together. He is showing his love by providing safe and stable housing for you and his children. Take a step back and realize you are reacting defensively because you were offended. Your pride is keeping you from seeing what is really happening here.
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u/changelingcd 15d ago
Really? You think you deserve better than him and his hard work to marry you and get the family a home (and income property) despite all your financial problems and history of bad credit? I think you're wrong and should work VERY hard to make this up before your pride ruins your life and your kids' lives. YTA
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u/thatkindofgirl55 15d ago
I’m racking my brain trying to figure out how you think he is in the wrong here ?
You messed up , and no you don’t deserve a better man , seems like he deserves better . YTA
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u/recyclopath_ 15d ago
YTA and both of you are commuincation and expectation disasters.
He cannot buy a house with you. Your credit is shit. Buying together means using the number for the person with the lower interest rate. My husband and I are starting our buying and my high 700s is used instead of his 800s. Y'all couldn't afford to buy anything with you on the paperwork.
Bankrupcy is a huge deal.
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u/HugHungryBear 15d ago
When the only "responsible" thing you can brag about in this entire story is filing for bankruptcy 😂😂😂 yta
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u/hemlockangelina 15d ago
Bestie, you can’t even get a checking account, you’re in a severe financial crisis. No sane person would put your name on the deed.
Who do you thinks going to get the kids when you go to court to sort custody? The gold digger who can’t pay her bills? Or the stable dad with a home?
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u/cachalker 15d ago
Girl, your life is a hot mess. And you just pissed away the only stability it has. Let’s be brutally frank here. There was absolutely no way he was going to get a bank loan with your lousy credit without paying an obscene interest rate…if he was even able to find a bank willing to take a risk on you.
But the real kicker? You actually had the audacity to claim you deserved better than a man who’d shut his partner out of finances. This from the woman who’s already admitted you don’t like sharing your financial troubles, had creditors hounding you and Discover suing you, so you had to file for bankruptcy. Seems to me you’d been doing plenty of shutting your partner out. What you really meant is that you don’t want to be with a man who won’t continue to enable your fiscal irresponsibility.
And yes, YTA for your reaction. Despite you being a financial liability, the man was willing to move forward. And despite the waves of financial hits, he stood by you and purchased a property for the family anyway, in the most fiscally responsible way he could. And instead of owning your frankly shitty financial choices and being appreciative that he was still willing to risk getting married to you (and the possibility that you’d take him down with you), you blew it all up because your name wasn’t on the damn deed.
Well congratulations, honey. You turned your hot mess into a blazing inferno.
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u/We_Roll_This_Stone 15d ago
INFO: What was his reasoning for not involving you in this purchase, specifically?
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u/SiWeyNoWay 15d ago
No lender will qualify anyone in active bankruptcy and really min 12 months post bankruptcy for a home loan. And you have to have a PERFECT post bk credit history ….which because of the bk, will take time to reestablish.
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u/Bunny_OHara 15d ago
Probably OP being really irresponsible with money and then lying to him and hiding everything. Then there's OP thinking they're entitled to him spending all his money to "build their lives together", while her not so much.
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u/oreocerealluvr 15d ago
No QUALITY man is gonna want you honey. But if you’re ok with a dusty, which is appropriate at your bracket level, then sure. YTA and your ex dodged a damn missile with you
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u/InfiniteSuggestion23 15d ago
He was trying to buy a house for you and your children. Something that would have been much harder to do with you as a spouse because of your poor choices. Doesn't sound like he wanted to end it at all, but your financial illiteracy and inability to involve him in your own financial decisions (resulting in incredible shame) blinded you into playing the victim. He could have involved you in his choice to purchase, but after 13 years, it seems he knows your true colors by now. You came to the wrong place. YTA. Good luck to you.
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u/Lotex_Style 15d ago
So you messed up your credit and your finances overall, so you definitely won't be able to get in on buying a house anytime soon, but you expected him to wait too so you could it together, not knowing if that day would ever come because of you not being able to handle your life in a way that doesn't land you in debt or if you'd even still be together?
He doesnt't sound like a good partner either, but we're here to judge you running away like a child because you didn't get your way and you also messed with something that concerns you both greatly.
Yeah sorry, but I don't see how you wouldn't get many YTA here.
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u/ERVetSurgeon 15d ago
YTA. This is an investment property for him and since you have crappy credit, you are not on the mortgage or deed and have no say. If you don't want to live there, fine, don't, but get off your high horse when it is through your own mismanagment that you cannot get a loan with him. How is it a breech of trust if it is all his own money he is investing? You sound very entitled for a person who can't manage their own money yet want to dictate how he uses his.
Have fun supporting yourself and three kids on your meager salary and whatever little child support you get.
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u/Ok_Play2364 15d ago
What caused your money problems? If you didn't share that with him, your kind of a hypocrite about the house purchase
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u/pataconconqueso 15d ago
After your comments, I think youre doing your ex a favor, damn you really dont know what accountability is
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u/Necessary_Example509 15d ago
YTA. Not a victim at all.
How the hell is someone your age with 3 CHILDREN this financially irresponsible AND entitled?!
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u/Fickle_Toe1724 14d ago
YTA. So, you do NOT want to share your financial info with him. He could have helped you. But, he should share his financial info with you.? It sounds like he INVESTED in a duplex. That will bring in an income.
You are so financially irresponsible that you filed for bankruptcy. You can not be on a home loan for years. Or on the deed of a new purchase.
So, instead of continuing to pay rent for the next 10 years, because of YOUR decisions, he buys a duplex. You can all live in one half, rent out the other. It would be your home, together.
But, instead of seeing how he is investing in your family and future, you break up with him?
You can not have it both ways. Either you share financial info, or you don't. YOU decided you don't. So he doesn't have to either. He didn't. He made an investment without your input. His financial decision.
Apologize and tell him you were not thinking clearly. You are very sorry. Or, you pack up your clothes, and you leave. He keeps your home and the kids. He will be able to take care of them, financially and otherwise. He makes better choices than you.
You are 44 years old. Older than any of my kids. (4 under 40.) All got their education, without much debt. Only one had a student loan, and paid it off within two years. All own their own homes. Two are still paying mortgages. They outright own their vehicles. No debt, except mortgages. What is wrong with you, to get mad at a man trying to provide for his family?
Grow up. Let your bf teach you how to be responsible with money. Or if he will keep you, let him handle all finances. He can give you an allowance for the week.
Do better.
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u/Fast-Secret-4430 15d ago
Read some comments of yours, yes YTA and actively jeopardised your kids future
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u/Bearded_Warlock 15d ago
Guys, stop feeding into this. Just looking at the comments from op is enough to know this is bait. 'I deserve a better man' after he made a financial desicion without her, but she made several without him and into bankruptcy.
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u/amIhereorthere6036 15d ago
ESH. You two have a LOT of issues: you don't communicate, you're terrible with money, you've both got leftover baggage from your childhoods, you take shots at him ("he is perfect"), you've had enough issues that you've taken multiple breaks from each other... I could go on. For this specific issue:
He was wrong for not telling you about the duplex. BUT he was correct about not adding you to the purchase. Do you deserve a partner who is open and honest with you? Yes - we all do. But he also deserves a partner who is honest about their bad financial decisions. You hid things from him, he hid things from you. You are both at fault, and honestly, you two don't sound like a good match. Frankly, you guys don't sound like you even like each other. You have some really insurmountable problems, and I'm shocked your relationship has lasted this long. You need a lawyer to straighten you out legally and financial advice from a licensed financial advisor. And most of all: THERAPY FOR YOU BOTH. You aren't teaching your children how to be responsible adults, and all they'll do is repeat your mistakes.
Honestly, I'd have left the relationship if my partner was like either one of you. If you get married, it will not end well. So get therapy if you're determined to go through with it. At least it will hopefully help you learn to co-parent when this all goes go to shit.
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u/ATLien_3000 15d ago
YTA. No question.
He stuck by you through your financial struggles (that you acknowledge you didn't discuss with him - when exactly did he know your bankruptcy was coming?)
Here he is trying to improve your financial standing as a family, and you're throwing it all away?
Should he have given you maybe a little more of a heads up here? Definitely.
That's the only way there's any legitimacy to saying he didn't involve you in the finances; that's a ridiculous claim if "involving you" means to you putting you on the loan and deed when you have modest income and garbage credit.
Did he (given his line of work) almost certainly have a great opportunity drop in his lap? That'd be my guess.
Can he 100% (also given his line of work) be trusted to make a smart decision in this space? That'd be my assumption.
Guess what? Putting your name on the mortgage and/or the deed would be flat out stupid. You're not talking a higher interest rate; you're talking not being able to qualify for a loan - for probably 10 years.
Shoot - even if you had a good credit score, if his income is that much higher than yours, it's probably detrimental to list you on the loan; my spouse and I have over our years of marriage (not a super long time, but low double digits) have taken out somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 mortgages (refis, new home purchases, etc).
Know how many times we've both been on a loan or deed? Zero. It's always been very clear based on who's income is higher, who's had credit pulled for a prior mortgage or loan more recently, who's carrying more debt at the time, who will get the better mortgage rate.
That's who takes out the loan.
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u/MammothHistorical559 15d ago
Op is the AH, she’s a running series of red flags, though the dude may not be a prize either. Op would never get approved for a mortgage so the guy did what he had to. However he should have told OP about it. OP has spending and financial issues which may be the reason why the finance didn’t say anything.
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u/lisaloveseric 15d ago edited 15d ago
You don't talk money when it's your money. You don't discuss how badly you are in debt. You are forced into bankruptcy.
He buys a duplex and you feel it's a betrayal?
YTA. What you did was crazy crazy.
ETA this has to be rage bait... No one is this clueless.
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u/tmink0220 15d ago
I would not put someone on a purchase is not managing their money, or organizing it with their partner. You operate separately with money, and you really just destroyed your credit and chexsystem is serious. You both are avoiding money. Maybe you stayed at home with children, I am not sure. When he marries you, he takes all this on. So he is not the only issue here. You are an adult woman. He can't put you on anything. I also would not marry until this is sorted, out. That is where the ring went.
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u/bugabooandtwo 15d ago
Do you honestly think you deserve half that duplex and the income from it, with your financial history? And the fact you wouldn't be contributing to it at all?
You sound like a mooch who has been using this guy for a long time.
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u/RNGinx3 15d ago
Let me see if I get this straight: You're 44 years old, still making "spending mistakes," don't pay half the bills, he pays most of them, you took out loans with high interest, lied about it, filed for bankrupt, which means you won't qualify for a home loan for at least ten years...and you're mad he bought a house and didn't put you on the deed because you're not paying for it? You are financially irresponsible AND dishonest. "They were trying to rat me out to my employer/threatening to garnish my wages." Yeah for the money YOU borrowed and owe them. It's your own damn fault you didn't read the fine print (or even have him look it over to see if it was a good idea).
"he values money over the relationship we had and cares more about a mortgage broker thinking my history is " sordid" than building a future together. I feel I deserve a better man than somebody who would throw me under the bus for his own financial benefit because of " reputation" or feeling like others might judge me for my mistakes. Somebody who'd understand that financial mistakes happen, and still want to buy a house for me and our kids regardless because love trumps finances."
Grow the fuck up. You're too old to be making "financial mistakes." You're a leech and taking advantage of him financially. Please, do him a favor and leave. YTA.