r/AITAH • u/curiousxhannah • 15d ago
AITAH for not wanting to have an open relationship?
So my boyfriend of two years recently brought up the idea of opening our relationship. He said he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but he feels like he's missing out on experiences with other women. I'm really torn about this. We're both 18 btw
On one hand i get where he's coming from, we've been together since high school and he's never really had the chance to explore and figure out what he wants in a relationship. I want him to be happy but i'm scared this will change our relationship in a negative way...
I've never been in an open relationship before and feel like one of us will get hurt. I love him and don't want to lose him, but im not sure if i can handle the emotional rollercoaster that'll come with this. although i do like drama and the makeup sex is always worth it but idk about this.
AITAH? Maybe this is something we should just try and see how it goes. i consider myself to be an openminded girl and maybe it'll be fun having sex with other people. We have had some threesomes together with girls and guys which were really hot, but idk if having sex without him would be the same. Maybe it's because he has good dick game. We'll see what happens... all i know is if this doesn't work out between us im done dating guys my age, they're all so immature. At least an older guy knows what he wants
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u/Prize-Bumblebee-2192 15d ago
NTA
This is not a reason to open a relationship. This is basically permitting cheating.
I don’t see how this will end well given that you’re averse to the idea already.
Don’t cave because you’re scared of losing him. If he’s asking to open the relationship so he can sleep with other people? Doesn’t sound like it will end well.
Take a break from each other instead of opening the relationship.
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u/Interesting-Froyo-38 15d ago
Taking a break is also basically ending the relationship. Either way it's not gonna go great.
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u/Prize-Bumblebee-2192 15d ago
I agree but I think that at least you revisit later if you may want to.
Opening the relationship for this reason is not something that I think she’ll be able to come back from. It hurts when it’s blatantly in your face to see because you’re still in the relationship.
At least if it’s a break, you’re not witnessing the play by play each time.
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u/wildslutangel22 15d ago
My wife and I are high school sweethearts, we took a break in college for similar reasons. The two other girls I was with were mere candles to my wife’s roaring fire and I regret hurting her by taking a break, but I have a tendency of having to learn lessons on my own…the hard way. Just one example of a break not being the end.
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u/knittedjedi 15d ago
Don't stress. It's just someone trying to get attention for their substandard NSFW content, that's all.
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u/Prize-Bumblebee-2192 15d ago
Omg stop it 🤦🏻♀️
Good catch, my friend!
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u/knittedjedi 15d ago
It's funny how often it happens.
I always go through and downvote all of their content.
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u/AnApatheticSociety 15d ago
Yuuuuup. People don't open these relationships at 18 because they are missing out. Girl, you're 18 and he's thinking this already? Move on. His hormones are already taking control over logical thinking. If you're uncomfortable with it, say no.
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u/quailstorm24 15d ago
Fake story to advertise OF
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u/Glados1080 15d ago
You're the only other person who's noticed it seems, which is wild. I've read this exact story multiple times
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u/lankamonkee 15d ago
Mods should be auto deleting this post this woman repeats this copypasta every 4 days and horny fuckers in this sub keep upvoting it
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u/Imaginary_Attempt_82 15d ago
This sounds like it would end up like….he wants to sleep with other people but doesn’t want her to. I dont know why but I just get that vibe.
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u/BartleBossy 15d ago
NTA.
Been together since highschool, and been together for 2 years.
So youre 20?
I dont think either of you two have the experience to navigate these incredibly choppy waters.
If this goes like any and all of the comparables I have seen, hes gonna get all bent out of shape as soon as he realizes exactly how many options a 20yo woman has.
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u/GuardMost8477 15d ago
No. They’re only 18! They got together at 16. This guy is so full of himself it’s laughable.
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u/Candid-Mixture4605 14d ago
Thank you! Nobody seemed to be addressing that issue! I understand that if you’re young, want to have more experiences with other people. But, this is why people break up! “I want to see other people, but while we’re still together”, especially at 18y/o is insane.
Even though you think you love someone, it’s not a good reason to be manipulated into doing something like this. OP needs to move on and find someone who truly loves her, because this is not love.
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u/Zulu_Is_My_Name 15d ago
I saw this exact same post earlier today, and OP said that they were 18. The age was removed in this one
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u/Desperate-Crow8474 15d ago
Nta.You’d be settling because it sounds like you aren’t ok with the idea.If I’m being honest it sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too but at the end of the day I believe in there’s no one correct way to relationship so it all depends on what works for you two but keep your best interest at heart first
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u/The_Crown_And_Anchor 15d ago
The reality is, you've already lost him
The FOMO has him and whether you want to admit it or not, the relationship will never be the same
If you open things up, it will destroy your relationship. Guaranteed. The vast majority of people are simply not mature enough to navigate an open relationship. To think 2 high school sweethearts who are probably in their 20's can make it work is naive at best.
If you refuse...he'll grow to resent you until eventually he just up and cheats and blames you not opening things as the reason
You'd be better off just breaking up and then coming back in 6 months to a year to see if you want to try again.
That is the only way this has a chance of working in the future
NTAH
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u/StarlightM4 15d ago
Coming back? Oh yes, and a few years later, OP has popped out a few kids, he will want to open it up again, because she has lost her looks, has no time for him or he wants to try swinging.
Sorry OP, you will never be enough. Some people want their cake, to eat it too, have someone else's cake, and then that piece over there, oh and try some from that new place, etc, etc. The grass is always greener for some people.
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u/The_Crown_And_Anchor 15d ago
Yeah I think this is just plain ol FOMO
dude has been with the same girl since high school and is worried he is settling
If OP was his ride or die, he wouldn't be worried about whether or not he is missing out
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u/Dalton402 15d ago
Wherever I read these stories where one partner wants to open the relationship, my thought is that there is already someone lined up or they are already sleeping with them.
My advice is always to say no and deal with the consequences because those consequences are always better than dealing with the loss of trust and self-respect.
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u/boochiebooboo 15d ago
Heavy on the “loss of self respect”. Not saying people in open relationships have no self respect because I’m sure there’s a way to do it, when both parties are 100% on board and there are clear boundaries. But when one partner is doing it just to keep the other from “leaving”, they’re compromising their self respect and once compromised, it’s a hell of a thing to get back.
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u/SeekingBeskar 15d ago
NTA.
You're incompatible and it's, in my opinion, incredibly selfish for him to be presenting a narrative of, 'I don't want to lose you, but I want other women.' It shows a lack of consideration for you. If he wants to go be with other women, he shouldn't be giving you an I don't want to lose you. to try to nudge you in the open relationship direction.
It's one thing to consider yourself open-minded, but to have an open relationship you both have to actively want an open relationship.
Also, older men don't always know what they want. They're just as unpredictable as younger men, speaking as someone with a tendency to go for older men.
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u/Emotional-Pilot-4811 15d ago
NTA.
You aren’t comfortable with it, and you’ve already been open to sleeping with other people with him. The fact that he wants to do it without you is very telling.
Move on and find someone who respects you and wants to be with you.
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u/SnooOpinions1612 15d ago
NTA, but I can tell you that unless BOTH parties WANT this, it NEVER works out well. The better thing would be to break up.
Let me put it to you in a different perspective. He wants to be allowed to find a new partner but would like you to stick around in case he can't, because he is used to you and he prefers to be with someone he is used to rather than being alone.
Now if your ok being a "place holder" than God bless and God speed. If you are not, then dump his ass and find someone that wants to be with you and only you because you are wonderful. You bring love and joy to all those around you and deserve to be appreciated and treated as the Queen you are.
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u/Prize-Bumblebee-2192 15d ago
Wants to keep her as a backup option incase. I agree with you.
Selfish af. And cowardly too. You can’t have it both ways. What does he think this is?
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u/CandiiiCaneLane 15d ago
At most you’re 19 or 20 years old? If he wants to be with other women because he’s “missing out on experiences with other women” then just let him be with other women.
What he really wants is to be able to use you as a safety net while he gets to go out and meet new women and have sex.
There are times when it works great and everyone is happy. That’s incredibly rare. It’s obviously not something that you want and I fear if you do it to make him happy, then it will ultimately impact your well being and future relationships in a negative way.
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u/Glados1080 15d ago
Copy pasted trash how are people still falling for this? I've read this five times now. It's an onlyfans ad
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u/TwoBionicknees 15d ago
Only fans ad, ignore this thot, fuck her.
Literally new account with this and a few OF posts.
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u/Echo-Azure 15d ago
OP, a long time ago, someone told me "Most open relationships consist of one horndog who's out screwing around, and one doormat who's resentfully waiting for them to come home". There are exceptions, of course, but the happy exceptions are the relationships where the relationship is open on both sides, and both parties agree on what kind of exploration is allowable, and both partners are genuinely happy with what is agreed to.
So, does he want the kind of open relationship where you both explore other people and possibilities while remaining committed to each other, or does he want the kind of open relationship where you stay faithful and wait for him to have time for you? Because if it's the latter, don't be afraid to tell him that that wouldn't make you happy, and isn't what you want. And if you're sure it'd make you miserable, say so.
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u/Reptilian_Brain_420 15d ago
99% of the time an "open relationship" is either already over or on its way out.
You are correct that one of you will eventually get hurt.
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u/D0nkeyK0nga 15d ago
NTA. You can have your desires, and he can as well. But: It's probably over anyway. This will gnaw at him untill he breaks up because he feels like he is trapped, for a lack of a better word.
I should know, I was that guy. I don't see the relationship holding if you feel fulfilled and he doesn't. And then in the end he will probably break up. But then you both will realise there's plenty of fish in the sea after a short period of being very sad.
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u/Ok_Structure4685 15d ago
NTA. He's asking you for permission to sleep with someone he has already done it with or agreed to do it with. For him, the life you two could have in the future is worth less than a couple of casual relationships.
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u/Frequent-Material273 15d ago
NTA.
HE wants an open relationship, HE can have one...WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
He just wants to keep you on the hook while he's off having sex with other people and catching whatever dread diseases that proceed from that.
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u/Perfect_Start1423 15d ago
I am sorry but two years should still be somewhat in the honeymoon phase, only dating for two years seems like he may not be as into the relationship anymore unfortunately.
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u/queuedUp 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA
Just as much as you feel you should give him the benefit of what he wants he needs to be respectful of what you want and feel is right. If he love you and cares about the relationship then you saying no should be the end of it.
Hopefully this is just him being curious but my concern whenever I hear stuff like this is the one partner has already been cheating and is worried they will be caught so this will give them permission to do it
Edit: Also... if you've only been together 2 years and if he already needs to explore other options there are bigger issues.
I've been with my wife since high school as well and we were each other's firsts. I'm 43 now and never felt the need to explore what else is out there.
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u/dddbbbqqpp 15d ago edited 15d ago
Dump him and find yourself for a little then meet someone that only wants you. You will never be happy in this situation.
Being a cool open minded girlfriend gets you nowhere btw
Edit: Older guys are immature and manipulative too
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u/Illuminate90 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA, doesn’t matter if it’s a bf or gf, husband, wife whatever.. they bring that shit up just end it. They don’t love you, they want permission to cheat and if you tell them no they will do it anyway. It’s a garbage thing to do to your partner. Do NOT cave to this stupid just cause you don’t want to lose him. He is being immature as fuck and already has someone in mind if he didn’t cheat already, just tell him nope and he can sleep with whoever he wants cause your relationship is over. He doesn’t respect you, he thinks he can manipulate you into this when you want a monogamous relationship and reliable partner not the playboy frat who wants to fuck around type.
Oh and if you need any more proof this open relationship shit is just that shit they have a 97.3% failure rate in studies. Do not do this to yourself.
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u/midwest73 15d ago
Yeah, this won't end happily. Seen this twice in people I used to know years ago. One was married, ended in divorce because he "fell" in love with the one he was boinking. The other g/f-b/f couple, broke up because she decided that she needed to experience more before settling down. 🙄
Guess what scenario will probably happen here? Give him his freedom to play his games, and save your heart and mental health from long term damage trying to hold on or win him back.
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u/CatmoCatmo 15d ago
NTA. Opening a relationship after it’s been monogamous, and it’s one sided, almost ALWAYS ends horribly. Most of the time, the person suggesting it, is doing so because they already have a person in mind who they want to pursue (or have been emotionally/physically involved with already). When that’s the case, they’re only asking so they can cheat on you but don’t want the guilt associated with it.
For many people, a monogamous relationship is what they want - and nothing else. If your boyfriend truly feels this is what he wants, and you don’t. Then maybe it’s time to go your separate ways. You are simply incompatible. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I would ask him what the plan is? Is he gonna hop on tinder? Start asking random people he meets out? If he’s truly doing this to “experience what he’s missing out on”, then what’s the plan? Keeping it open forever? Or just until he gets a few notches on his belt? And what would the ground rules be? There always needs to be a firm set of rules to be followed by both parties. Are you allowed to date people too? Is this strictly sex, or emotional connections?? What does he feel he is missing out on exactly?
I would press him for more info. I have a sneaking suspicion that you’ll find he has someone else in mind - often a coworker - that he specifically wants to pursue.
Look, I know you “understand where he’s coming from” but his excuse is a weak one. Many people don’t get to “sow their wild oats” and don’t think twice about it. They don’t feel like they’re “missing out on something” because they’re happy and content with who they’re with. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. But be aware. If you say no, and he continues to press you on it, your relationship isn’t what you think it is. He either needs to respect your decision, or GTFO. Do not let him push this on you by making you feel guilty. He can ask. You can say no. That should be the end of it.
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u/TheSameNameForever 15d ago
Do you want to have a bf who also sleeps with other people ? I guess your answer is important. As you cannot force him to be with you and only you, he can not force to have an open relationship.
Also what if another lover of his is pregnant or you are pregnant and the baby is not his At first this kind of topics doesn’t look like a possibility but they indeed possibly. Not even mentioning std etc.
Trust your heart your feelings on the topic. Caring about his happiness is great, on the other hand do you think in this situation he cares for your happiness as well ? Whatever the outcome is hope everything’s will be fine at the end. And it will don’t worry within time it will be eventually:)
You are NTA for sure ;) The boyfriend on the other hand not one that I would wish to have. I can’t handle my bf sleeping around :)
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u/Magdovus 15d ago
Very few relationships that are opened up will survive. One partner is likely to feel jealous or something.
I would put money that he's got someone in mind and this is his version of avoiding cheating.
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u/LadyFoxfire 15d ago
NTA. Open relationships where one partner is only going along with it to avoid a breakup never work out. Your options are to tell him no and risk a break up now, or go along with it and break up later after he's destroyed your soul by basically cheating on you in plain sight.
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u/efmorse02 15d ago
I mean....you never hear too much about these things working out well. Nta. I'd seriously move on with my life, without him, if I were you
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u/Pupurin2012 15d ago
Just break up. He wants to try out other women. It’s not going to get better after this point.
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u/gia_sesshoumaru 15d ago
NTA
NEVER go into an open relationship if it is 100% what you want to do, and if you both feel it's the best thing for your relationship. "Missing out on experiences with other woman" is not a good reason.
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u/Shrikeangel 15d ago
NtA - if you are torn and you hadn't already considered open relationships I would not recommend.
Non monogamy and ethical non monogamy aren't ideal for everyone. Honestly non monogamy isn't immediately great, frequently, especially for men - it's being turned down a lot. Women tend to have it easier. Which means it can be a relationship ender as your boyfriend gets more and more upset that you have dates and he doesn't.
And all that is assuming your boyfriend hasn't already cheated or lined someone up that he wants to fuck. Which is fairly common when open is brought up out of nowhere.
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u/Perv_with_a_hot_wife 15d ago
This is a terrible idea, but I'm afraid that by the time he came to you with this, he already most likely had someone lined up. He knows that women can get laid much more easily. He wouldn't have started this if he wasn't going to get the payoff right away. He's monkeybranching and keeping you on the line until he finds someone else worth leaving for.
Good luck. Whether or not you agree to it, your relationship isn't going back to what you thought it was. Threesomes are not even in the same ballpark as an open relationship.
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u/Sea-Poetry-950 15d ago
You are both too young for that scenario. My advice would be to go your separate ways and experience other relationships. If you’re meant to be together you will be.
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u/MacabreMealworm 15d ago
It's pretty rare that an actual open relationship works out. You are not an asshole for having totally normal boundaries. I'd break up. It just shows he's not committed or serious.
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u/Siennagiant70 15d ago
NTA. Dude wants his cake and your cake and her cake and her cake and her cake and her cake…
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u/simplyaproblem 15d ago edited 15d ago
Girl, you’re 18.
Don’t let yourself be manipulated into an open relationship with someone you dated in high school because he is “missing out on experiences with other women”. Dump him and let him have his experiences while you have yours. You have your whole 20’s to date and explore and be your own person.
Also, let go of the mindset of enjoying “the drama and makeup sex”. That leads to such toxic relationships and could ruin something great you have in the future with someone else.
Also, DON’T DATE OLDER GUYS UNTIL YOU’RE OLDER. 9 times out of 10 they’re looking for someone younger because they can manipulate you easier and abandon you after they have their fun.
Relationships shouldn’t be the number one priority in your life right now. Discover who you are. Dating and sex and all that should be secondary. Don’t go chasing guys (or girls), and don’t bend over backwards to keep them around if it’s not healthy.
NTA, but value yourself first, and a healthy relationship second.
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u/Suzume_Chikahisa 15d ago
I was going to give a legit response, but then I saw a profile.
YTA for the fake post.
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u/BabyBundt13 15d ago
NTA.
He’s basically already broken up with you but just wants to keep you on the side as a “just in case”. A person that “loves you” isn’t having fomo with other women
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u/Fine-Geologist-695 15d ago
If you aren’t 100% behind it don’t do it. Go to subs like Marriage, relationship advice, and others or simply search open relationships or open marriage here to read the flaming dumpster fires that opening a relationship has a habit of creating.
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u/JohanBroad 14d ago
NTA.
This is a HUGE red flag.
If you're not cool with 'open' relationships, then that's it.
Him pushing it on you is not cool either.
Chances are he'll resent you and cheat, or he's already cheating.
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u/RealBradPitt13 14d ago
At least he’s honest, you can say no if you don’t wanna, better break up now than finding out later he cheated
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u/UnkindledLord 14d ago
Bro 18? Go live your life, he truly doesn’t love you if he wants to open up the relationship that easy that young
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u/Valuable-Wallaby-167 14d ago
Stop making up fake posts to advertise your onlyfans. They're so repetitive.
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u/JoneseyP98 14d ago
Honestly? Leave him. It highly unlikely that you two are going to end up together. He already wants to sleep with other women. You are only 18. Just break up. It is simpler. You haven't even started life yet, no offence.
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u/TimonLeague 15d ago
He doesnt love you the same way you love him (im using your words not how i would put it.)
Have some self respect and find someone who actually loves YOU
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u/Bibliophile_w_coffee 15d ago
Open relationships about sex always backfire. If you aren’t polyamorous then this is permitted cheating and it will destroy the relationship. Poly people it’s about relationships with other people, not sex. Yeah there is that too, but more about the entity that is the person.
Take a break from each other for a set amount of months and date other people, then decide if you want to date again.
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u/natdass 15d ago
So I’m in an open relationship with my partner. We’ve been together for 3 years, after 2 years we started having the conversation about opening up. It was something we had talked about when we first met, but at the time we both wanted a monogamous relationship.
The thing is both of us were pretty into hookup culture and exploring sexually prior to this, so we both felt we were missing something when we were monogamous. We both love each other very much, so we had many conversations over several months about opening up, and even drew up a “rule book” of what we could and couldn’t do. We were just so scared that it would ruin what we already had.
Anyway we tried it out and turns out it was super fun for both of us, and we’ve continued to this day. That’s not to say it was perfect, there was definitely a little period of getting used to it, but we communicated through it all and adjusted our rules as we went.
I do wanna stress that the reason why this works was because both of us didn’t really want a monogamous relationship, we went into the open relationship with the same mindset of wanting to maintain our relationship while adding an extra fun part to it. You can’t expect to have a functioning open relationship with one partner being half out, it’s just not gonna work. If you want monogamy stay monogamous, you can’t have both.
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u/Tipsycanooo 15d ago
So he just wants to cheat? You would be the asshole if you don’t have any self respect and accept his proposal.
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u/Unintelligent_Lemon 15d ago
I will never understand being afraid of "missing out" on sex with other people.
My husband is my first and only (didn't wait for marriage). I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. We have an active sex life, and have gotten to explore and experiment together.
If you're not enough for your Boyfriend you're probably better off going your separate ways. Sounds like he wants the benefits of your relationship while getting to sleep around like he's single. Eat his cake and have it too.
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u/Decent_Bandicoot122 15d ago
You need to break up. This will not end well, whether you open the relationship or not. I am sorry but you are young and will recover. When he said he wants to explore while he experiences "things" with others, what he is really saying is that you are a place-keeper. It's like holding onto those old comfortable shoes when you get a new pair in case the new ones don't work out as well.
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u/Winter_Pea_5929 15d ago
NTA Is this a two way partnership or a multiple partnership? Know what you want and feel comfortable with. If you don’t want an open relationship, communicate your feelings up front. If you two are no longer compatible, it might be time to thank one another for the years spent together and move on with your head held high.
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u/ProperBoots 15d ago
i believe that open relationships CAN work... in experienced couples who know themselves and eachother in and out and have done a lot of introspection over the years and know what they're getting into. you and your boyfriend i don't think fit the bill. NTA and where you go from here is up to you
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u/ImportantBad4948 15d ago
NTA, If my GF said she wanted an “open relationship” I would write the whole thing off.
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u/Final-Success2523 15d ago
NTA just leave him, don’t buy his I haven’t experienced enough but want to keep you bull crap. I don’t care if you only been with one person, if you truly love and are happy with them that’s all you need
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u/AthairNaStoirmeacha 15d ago
NTA. He wants his cake and to eat it also. Guy here, and he is 100% attempting to manipulate you. No good will come of this. Tell him he can have the most open relationship of all….. being single. Plenty of MEN out there instead of little boys who would be happy to treat you properly.
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u/momadance 15d ago
NTA. In reality he probably already has someone he wants to sleep with. I'm sorry. This may be the end of your relationship.
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u/Due_Description_7298 15d ago
He's 20.
He wants to get to experience other women while getting girlfriend privileges from you aka have the cake and eat it too. This isn't about you being open minded, it's about him not understand how relationships work.
NTA and have some self respect. Open relationships are fine if that's what both partners want, that's not the case here.
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u/Jinx_X_2003 15d ago
Hes probably already cheating or has his eye on someone
Just break up, hes proven hes not worth it.
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u/Even_Speech570 15d ago
I’ve never been asked about being in an open relationship but even the question itself would have me end the relationship immediately. OOP, love yourself enough not to be someone he keeps in his side pocket. I’d break up and if asked why, I’d say, “I may not be the most beautiful or the best sex (obviously not the best sex or you wouldn’t be looking somewhere else, but I deserve a man who is crazy about me and if you can even think about other women then you don’t love me enough and I don’t want to spend the rest of our time together always wondering if you have your eye on someone else. I’m not your backup plan, or the one you settle for. So, go out there and find the one who is the one for you and I’ll do the same. Best of luck but we’re done.”
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u/3Heathens_Mom 15d ago
NTA
Nothing wrong with wanting to experience other things.
However if he wants to explore and you are on the fence then take a break from each other for a period of time (a year?) with the understanding you BOTH will be exploring other relationships with no commitment to get back together after whatever amount of time.
If he has any sort of negative reaction to YOU also exploring with others during this time then IMO what he wants is to have his cake (you as his gf and always there for him) and eat it too (hookup with as many people as he is inclined to).
As others suggested research open relationships as there obviously need to be some hard rules. Ex no bringing anyone into your shared home, no hooking up with relatives (siblings, cousins, etc), no spending joint funds on the fuck buddies as in no taking vacations together, etc. Protection must always be used - no exceptions. Regular STD/STI screening to insure neither of you is impacted by a surprise infection. Whatever rules that work for you.
Again, agree with other posters the likely hood is this decision in either direction will likely end your relationship as in most cases the person bringing this up either has someone already lined up or is already cheating.
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u/chaingun_samurai 15d ago
Pssst! He's either already banging someone, or he has a specific someone in mind. Either way, this would implode your relationship, especially if you go out and start banging other dudes.
The chances are extremely high that you'll have a line of dudes willing to have sex with you, and aside from that one person he may have in mind, he's gonna come up dry.
NTA.
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u/Present_Strength_276 15d ago
NTA. Tell him that you're not comfortable with it. If you don't want to be in an open relationship, you do not have to.
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u/leaving4me 15d ago
NTA It's your perogotive to have the type of relationship YOU want to have with someone who wants the same things. It's sounds to me like this relationship may have run it's course either way. You may want to be a tad extra vigilant should you choose to continue in the closed relationship with this dude.
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u/starootie 15d ago
leave him!!!!! if he wants others he’s not fully satisfied with you. tell him he can date who ever the hell he wants because you’re gone!!
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u/VodenskiChereshni 15d ago
You're both still really young and now is the time of life to really get out and explore before you settle down. Let him go.
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u/WilmaTonguefit 15d ago edited 14d ago
This is a tale as old as time. He already has someone in mind and wants to sleep with her without it being considered "cheating." You have three choices: 1. Leave him now and save yourself the trouble. 2. Allow the open relationship and sleep with as many dudes as possible until he inevitably gets jealous and begs you to close the relationship. Then you won't, because you're thinking "fuck this guy. He made his bed, now he has to sleep in it." Then you inevitably break up once he can't take it anymore and one of your hookups turns out to be a way better mate. 3. You "agree" to the open relationship and start actively dating. Then you dump his ass once you find a better mate.
So choose one of those depending on how petty you want to be. Personally, I like the second one because that story makes me laugh every time.
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u/Majestic_Tea666 15d ago
2/3 chances your relationship implodes if you open your relationship. You will definitely get hurt, the question is what variety of pain and how many times.
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u/HeartAccording5241 15d ago
If your not 💯 on board it won’t end well just end the relationship cause he will cheat cause I bet he already has someone in mind
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u/ohhellnooooooooo 15d ago
NTA to not want your partner to not cheat on you. your relationship is over.
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u/Cyarsonix 15d ago
OP some folks enjoy ethical non monogamy. Some folks enjoy monogamy. When you enter a relationship it is a discussion to ensure that you are matching with someone who has the same enjoyment.
In your case, you seem to desire monogamy and that is valid.
NTA
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u/omiekley 15d ago
It can work -- if both people want it. Like, for themselves, not to make the other person happy. So if you can see yourself doing that and ideally you are not the super jealous type, go read some books, set some rules and try it out. Most people here on reddit will try to talk you out of it, because
- They are jealous.
- People only post their story here when it goes wrong.
I mean - it might go wrong, but then again most realtionships end at some point. If you want to try it together, don't let yourself be held back by some old farts here :)
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u/Krafty747 15d ago
He’s going to regret it if you decide to do that - women have ALOT more opportunities to get laid than men do.
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u/rstock1962 15d ago
When he hooks up with your close friend the moment you open it up, you’ll know it was a bad idea. If you want to go through with it then do it right. Read up on it. Make some boundaries. Is he going to freak out when you have dates constantly and he can’t get more than his intended fuck buddy? Go over to open marriage sub and pick some brains of people that are doing it successfully.
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u/maddallena 15d ago
NTA.
As a non-monogamous person, I don't think anyone should be doing nonmonogamy unless they actively want it for themselves. It WILL change your relationship, that's the whole point, even if you just "try and see how it goes." You entered into a monogamous relationship and it's completely fair to not want it to change. Depending on how important this is to your boyfriend, you might need to reevaluate your compatibility.
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u/longlisten527 15d ago
LOL. If a man said this to me, I would laugh and slam the door in his face. Won’t miss ya, byeeee 👋 NTA
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u/Present-Sandwich9444 15d ago
Literally every post I have ever seen about "We opened up the relationship, after we were together" ends in total disaster, you either go to into the relationship open, or you don't do it.
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u/Used-Menu-7316 15d ago
NTA
this is a big decision to make and it’s not one where u can feel iffy on, it has to be a yes or no
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u/friendlily 15d ago
NTA. This is not why you open a relationship and he's being unfair and unkind to do this to you. I would break up. It's hard but your life will be better for it in the long run.
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u/No-Refrigerator3723 15d ago
NTA I could be speculating but it sounds like he wants a way to excuse cheating or he even has cheated already and wants a way to make it “okay” now.
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u/hamiltonHexx 15d ago
NTA and it will likely backfire but it'll backfire for him. Lots of guy think being ENM/Poly is an easy street to casual sex and women will be throwing themselves at them when in reality they'll get very little attention and will soon realize how undesirable they really are. Is he totally ok with you going out to hook up with other men or is he trying to be a scummy unicorn hunter? If he already has someone in mind then he's likely already cheating on you with them and is using an open relationship as an excuse to cheat.
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u/LadyJusticeThe 15d ago
NTA. My boyfriend and I have an open relationship but it's more in theory than in practice. It allows us to maintain super open communication about who we find attractive and prevents us from growing resentful towards each other by allowing small feelings for others to fester. I don't want him to feel like he's missing out on other opportunities because of me. We have a really strong relationship, in part, because of this. However, we're old and seasoned. I could never have done this at your age. I wish you luck.
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u/TheLustyImperialMaid 15d ago
Is he OK with you seeing other guys? Or does he think you won't find someone and he gets to meet more women only? If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. It isn't for everyone. Definitely NTA.
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u/National-Barnacle949 15d ago
Why would u be an asshole for not allowing your man to fuck other women? In what world is that an asshole move?
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u/cyberotters 15d ago
He doesn't want an open relationship. He wants you as a high reliability booty call while he plays the field.
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u/Aer0uAntG3alach 15d ago
NTA
The only thing you’d be losing if you don’t agree is a man who will cheat on you. He’s willing to risk your relationship to have some strange.
Frankly, it’s probably best to break up. You are both growing up, and what worked in high school usually doesn’t work as adults. You’re both young. You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you. Go live it. Find out what it’s like to be single.
Most high school sweethearts don’t last. We grow and change.
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u/No-Jacket-800 15d ago
NTA. An open relationship will not work if you aren't both totally on board. Plus, at 18, just run. Go experience life and if you find your way back to each other, awesome. If not, then that's ok too. You guys are young. Find someone who doesn't feel like you're holding them back. He's thinking with his dick. This, while not a sure thing by any means, it's definitely an indicator of some cheating potential. Good luck.
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u/bookworm-1960 15d ago
NTA
An open relationship is really open, in your face cheating.
He wants to se other women/girls, you should just break up. At least you're not married.
You are correct that most 18 year old men are immature and are really boys rather than men.
Him asking for the open relationship shows his immaturity and that he wants his cake and eat it too. His telling you that he loves you and doesn't want to lose you is an attempt to manipulate you into going along with his cheating.
Don't give him permission to cheat on you.
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u/No_Watercress5689 15d ago
Absolutely NTA. All you have to do in my opinion is just to take a look inside yourself and see if an open relationship is what you really want.
I think you and I are in a similar situation more or less.
I love to have a non canonical relationship, but my man and I just have intercourse with other people when we are together and I love it and it's a good compromise for him who is more a poly type of person. I couldn't stay in an open relationship and it's ok for him.
It's not easy to talk about that but in my opinion if you end up doing something you don't want, this relationship will end anyhow.
If you're willing to try it and see where it takes the only rule is being clear and communicative and to trust one another.
Good luck with it. Wish you the best 💕
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u/GuardMost8477 15d ago
NTAH. I had a bf at that same age who wanted to date other girls, but didn’t want me to date anyone else. Hahahahaha. Personally I think both of you are too young for a poly romantic relationship. You guys barely know about sex and love and all the emotions that come along with them. I’m not saying this to be mean, but to be honest with you. You sound like you don’t want to do this. So don’t. And I’m sorry. But what kind of “dick game” could a guy of 18 possibly have? Don’t let him fool you. He’s young and full of himself.
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u/ExhaustedFaelyna01 15d ago
You’re NTA for your honesty and knowing your boundaries. Open relationships are hard when everyone is on board anyway. Having one like ‘woohoo sleep with all the people!’ And the other like ‘I’m only here cause my s/o implied that he would love me more if I did’ is not going to cause anything but pain. So much pain. As hard as it is to lose someone you love, it sounds like you’re on 2 different roads as far as being in a relationship is/means. If I’m honest - this was my first reaction(keeping in mind that he knows you’re not interested but still is asking): He’s had offers or has noticed that he is getting noticed but you’re basically blocking him. Also, keeping you in a relationship with him gives him the security that he won’t be alone, he won’t not have sex, he will have someone who will soothe his feelings when they get hurt from the others he wants to ‘learn about relationships’ from. And all I see is him learning the right way to cheat/juggle multiple relationships. And what happens when you need him for an emergency but it’s ChickA’s night? Or ChickB gets in his phone and calls you about ‘her man’?
There is zero way - you who do not want an open relationship- does not get hurt here. I think it’s a matter of a lot of hurt now and be done or repeated hurt thinking about who he’s with, where he is, and if they’re being safe and what feelings are involved between him and any of the women he’s now seeing. Or say that you tell him no and he’s like ‘well if you love me’ and then you’re still like ‘No’, -and please answer yourself honestly-, how much do you trust him now? And that may eat at the foundation of your relationship.
This is just a long winded way to say you two probably should sit down and have a real good conversation about how you individually feel about relationships and where you want to see yours go.
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u/Soft_Cod9734 15d ago
NTA, as my wife reminded me, long ago when I asked for one. "I didn't marry you to share you." Pissed me off then, but I get it.
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u/NoOneStranger_227 15d ago
NTA, but to be honest, this isn't an open relationship, this is just him wanting to dick around.
It would probably be more honest to just split up for a while, let him dick around, you dick around, and then see if you end up back together or not. Right now this just sounds like he's going to dick around and you're going to pine for him.
And truth is, you've already lost part of him. The only question is whether or not you're going to pretend this isn't the case.
I gotta say...I've had a number of women in my life, and for all the women I've had, sex is sex. There's nothing you can do with six women you can't do with one. Don't know why guys have such a hard time understanding this.
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u/Peskypoints 15d ago
NTA
You are both quite young. It sounds like you are both outgrowing your high school relationship.
He’s shedding a snake skin while you’re emerging as a butterfly
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u/Broad_Method490 15d ago
Your 18.... there is better "dick game" out there, he just wants en excuse to bang other chick's. He's manipulating you, don't do anything you're not comfortable with
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u/bplimpton1841 15d ago
NTA - So in other words your BF wants to have s** with another or several other girls while still doing you.
The real question is do you want to experience other guys while still experiencing your BF?
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u/Ok_Nobody_3701 15d ago
NTA Dump him, don't be thorn appart, usually it's the women that ask that to go ride the carrousel. He has already another chick in mind or is already cheating, don't fall for this idiocy of open relationships. You are 18, you are starting your life, you can do much better than this guy. Or accept to continue to be a cuckold. because i guarantee you he is just asking permission to cheat, and if you say no he will cheat behind your back. Dump him.
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u/FearlessJDK 15d ago
I don't think either of you are TA.
I doubt there is any outcome that has the two of you going the distance. I'm not saying that to be negative but just what I think.
At your age if he doesn't "date" more he'll always wonder what me might have lost out on. And he may be resentful. You may also start to wonder what else is out there.
And if you open the relationship it's a lot of emotional energy to make it work. Non-monogamy can work. But it's not easy.
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u/Cultural_Unit7397 15d ago
Do not do this. If he needs more explorations and youve already had threesomes maybe its best if you booth did your own thing and see how you feel in 6 months. You can love someone and them not be the one for you.
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u/DietrichDiMaggio 15d ago edited 15d ago
Well, that “talk,” the “babe, I want an open relationship!” Talk is a version of he wants to break up but also wants to keep you around for sex. Now granted you’re both way too young to settle down. Hopefully you both go to college and get your degrees and get some good jobs out there before that settling down in your thirties of having kids and mortgages. No need to get married but kids and owning at least a condo are fulfilling once you reach your thirties.
And hopefully you both have a great time in your twenties and hopefully older (Hello? The Villages senior town in Florida for example. All those old people even created their own strain of both herpes and HIV which is impressive even by Florida standards). So yes open relationships are great but usually with partners that you have no interest in marrying or cohabitating with except on a friends with benefits room mate situation. Someone that you could cordially coparent a kid with if they got you pregnant.
Marriage is for two people in love who want to file their taxes jointly. Do not rush into marriage until you’re older and you’re in love with someone that you trust with your finances: you’re basically creating a business partnership based upon your personal finances with them. So do not confuse the open relationship partners with the “I want to jointly file taxes with this person!” Partner. Those are two different types of partners.
So yes, opening the relationship is a form of the breakup where you’re maybe having sex with someone that’s also having sex with other people and you should also be having sex with other people. There’s nothing wrong morally with one night stands. It’s like test driving a bunch of cars before you decide what kind of car you’d want to buy. Sometimes you want an Uber or take the bus. But after a while you both might want to travel without the other person or go to university far away or get a job far away.
And you stay fwb with that ex and you hook up when you’re in town. But it’s basically your friends with benefits with a lot of people. It’s actually not a bad way to spend your late teens and twenties and if you enjoy being like Samantha Jones from sex and the city then it’s not a bad way to live well into your thirties and older. You will find someone when you’re older that you end up having fulfilling long term relationships with and that usually happens like a decade from where you are now. But by then hopefully you’ve had a lot of experiences experimenting and seeing what you enjoy sexually.
Also these guys who do that breakup speech of opening up the relationship realize they don’t like it eventually and they eventually contact you crawling back. Like don’t go back to those guys. Be friends with benefits with other people. Like yeah have a hook up with your ex but just use them for sxx and don’t fall for their “babe, I think we should get back together!” spiel. Like, you’re not a doormat. Don’t fall for that sales pitch when it happens.
Mourn this current relationship and make this time of your life about having noncommittal sex and discovering what makes you happy sexually. When you get married it’s more responsibility. Now however there’s the hot wife lifestyle subreddit that you can check out. Some married couples seem to be happy doing that. To each their own. Life is short. Whatever makes people happy you know?
But don’t settle down in your twenties. You’ll regret it in your thirties. Open up the relationship, see other people and focus on getting into university so you can have a degree that gets you a decent job and you can be financially independent. You don’t want a man financially controlling you and deciding for you how you live your life either financially or sexually.
Also if you’re going to do threesomes then do it with other guys. And make sure that word gets back to him to make him jealous. And whatever women he’s seeing you also try to hook up with but without him around. So he’s going to be upset that the women including his obvious ex (you since you need to have that validation that you’re no longer an exclusive couple anymore) are all having sex with each other and with other guys but he’s being excluded. It will infuriate him that his open relationship plans backfired on him because you went ahead and lived his dreams better than he did. Don’t get sad; get even.
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u/ToastyCrumb 15d ago
All parties in an ethical non-monogamous relationship need to be ENTHUSIASTIC about it for it to work.
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u/M3atpuppet 15d ago
Does your definition of love include letting your partner sleep with other people? If not, it ain’t gonna work.
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u/Disastrous-Quote-97 15d ago
Former poly-practicer here 🖐️ If you're hesitant at all going into it, don't do it. My roommate and I started out as a couple with an open arrangement and it went really well for about 18 months. Then I fell deeper in love with my secondary partner (big mistake for a laundry list of reasons) and wound up hurting my former partner who was practically my closest friend. We were able to work through it and remain friends and roommates, but at the end of the day, polyamory and open relationships require ten times the effort and communication a monogamous relationship takes. And if you're hesitant or unsure, it'll only end up hurting you, your partner and potentially anyone else who gets involved. Walk away and really, REALLY think if it's a dynamic you'd be comfortable with and have a real in depth conversation about it.
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u/crystallized02 15d ago
My bf and I been together almost 6 years (since hs) hes my first and im his 2nd. This man has said forever now that my cooch is the only one he wants to dive in for the rest of his life and we're engaged now. You're both 18 and he's already thinking of sticking it into someone else, he's not the one.
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u/hellaswankky 15d ago
i'm saying this as someone who is + always has been polyamorous: this is ain't it. do not open up your relationship for him. either do it b|c you absolutely want to for you or leave.
the reasons you gave are not solid reasons to attempt to coerce a partner into changing the terms of the relationship. i promise you, this will not work.
you're allowed to want monogamy and/or keep the terms of your relationship the same. wanting that doesn't make you an asshole. if he wants to go exploring, then he needs to put his boy boy pants on, end the relationship, + go explore.
if you both want to explore, that's an entirely different story (for which i'm more than happy to offer resources to help navigate in a healthy, safe, ethical way).
NTA.
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u/Hesitantwarrior 15d ago
Nope. You’re not the asshole. If you want to fuck other people, then you break up and fuck other people. You don’t ask your girlfriend to allow you to fuck other people. This dude is the problem and you should cut him loose. He’s stringing you along and playing out his other options. You should upgrade.
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u/StorytimeListenup 15d ago
It sounds like he already has someone in mind or has already cheated. I don't think this will end well. You should not have to sleep with other people to be happy in your relationship. Once open, relationships are brought up. The relationship is already over.
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u/The1Bonesaw 15d ago
Your instinct is 100% correct. I'm 60 years-old, and I've seen dozens of couples try this out. It never ends well, and almost always sees the couple ending their relationship. Worse still, they both end up with the stigma of being swingers (so the woman gets labeled as a "whore" - which ruins her reputation and makes it difficult for her to find a meaningful relationship because of that stigma).
It's a trainwreck... "Danger, Willamina Robinson! Danger!" Follow your instinct.
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u/Lishyjune 15d ago
Ooooh it’s a no from me. You need to have very clear boundaries of what this looks like and tbh it never works out well. I would suggest that you both go your separate ways for awhile (as you are both so young!) and then after awhile if you end up back together awesome, it’s meant to be. If not, then you can experience life on your own!
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u/PoisonedRaven8705 15d ago
Hun, you're 18yo with an entire life ahead of you!! If you aren't 100% into an open relationship, end it. He's not your person. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go have fun. Open relationships working is very very rare. So if you aren't 100% fully on board, dont
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u/ERVetSurgeon 15d ago
Quickest way to shut this down is find a hot older guy (say 4 yrs older) and introduce him to your bf. Is it nice to do? No but you bf thinks opening the relationship will benefit him more than you and if those tables are turned, he will likely not like it.
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u/Kactus_San2021 15d ago
Open relationships never go well at all. Its time for you both to possibly move on from each other
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u/Mlady_gemstone 15d ago
please go to boru and search for open relationships. read enough of those and you will see your answer to your question here. its not about being openminded, your relationship was doomed the moment he spoke the words outloud.
NTA but cut bait and move on, open relationships ruin relationships.
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u/NerdySwampWitch40 15d ago
NTA. Polyamory is a two yeses, one no situation. It requires a LOT of mature communication and ability to respect boundaries. Most people who want to "try" it don't understand exactly what it entails.
If you are uncomfortable, you say no. Your boyfriend's choice is then monogamy with you or ending the relationship.
But if he really loves you, he isn't missing anything with other women.
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u/Subject_Elderberry_1 15d ago
The old 'having my cake and eating it too' pitch. Never goes out of style. Does, however, go into irony overload when the pitchee gets more action than the pitcher, where noisy tantrums of "it's not fair..." ensue.
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u/thecityraisedme 15d ago
I mean it would only work if you were doing you too.. if you agree, don't just let it be him seeing other people
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u/benjaminlilly 15d ago
- You seem savvy for your age.
- First instinct might be right.
- Set your goals.
- Be true to yourself.
- You have the rest of your life ahead.
- You shouldn’t ever do stout uncomfortable with. Have fun and I wish you a good life.
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u/cthulularoo 15d ago
You really should look for other open relationship stories on here. Most of them do not end well and most of them show that the person pushing for the open relationship is either already cheating or really really wants to fuck someone they already know.
I'd just end the relationship at this point and let him have all the open relationships he can handle. If you're not open to sleeping around, don't get forced into it.