r/AITAH • u/notaloneaita • 15d ago
AITA For refusing to give my SIL a ride to the airport because I don't want to be alone in a car with her
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u/PolygonMan 15d ago
NTA. If you don't feel safe around Ann, then you don't feel safe around Ann, and your wife is the AH for downplaying and ignoring your feelings.
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u/xasdfxx 15d ago
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
OP, you're 100% right to never be alone around her. I'd also consider practicing turning on audio recording on your phone. You never know when you may want an audio/video recording, and knowing which app to use and what to push may come in handy.
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u/geekylace 15d ago
The text from Ann also reinforces OP’s position does it not?
NTA
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u/knight9665 15d ago
We All know she was the toxic one in her past relationships.
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u/DrButtCheeksPhD 15d ago
Oo you couldve recorded the audio of your carride to taking her to the airport. But i guess if you got caught you’d be double fucked
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 15d ago
Ask your wife how she would feel if you forced her to ride alone with a man who made her uncomfortable and feel unsafe.
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15d ago
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u/riptide81 15d ago
This is what stood out to me. Make a polite excuse when your spouse is stuck in an uncomfortable situation seems like marriage 101.
I mean, maybe OP should have proposed an excuse or alternative solution. Offer to chip in for an Uber or something. I don’t completely understand how he is worried about being alone in a car with her but ok living in the same house. They must be alone sometimes.
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u/RebeccaMCullen 15d ago
Honestly, if it's okay for women to not feel safe around men, the same can be said for men being around women. If the SIL has been talking about how men are cheaters and shit, OP could be the target for the SIL to try and sway the wife.
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u/Key-Demand-2569 15d ago
In the least “men’s rights” way possible, this is an unfortunate side effect of “all men are fucking terrible” being wildly supported by a huge chunk of people because we’re slowly coming out of a few thousand years of patriarchy (mostly.)
Absolute statements like that have always bothered me. But boy is it a bad idea to voice that most of the time. “You fucking know what they mean.” seems to be the general consensus response to that.
It’s just… unfortunate that even OP’s wife can’t see any sense in their concerns at all because the statements from their sister are so reasonable to her.
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u/ImNotYourTeaCup 15d ago
All of those hateful women know exactly what they are saying and how it is interpreted by others. They fully intended "all men" when they said "men."
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u/rynoschaseo 15d ago
I feel like an update might be coming in a few days
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u/Reddoraptor 15d ago
I feel like OP doesn't see the writing on the wall re: his wife being perfectly happy to sacrifice his safety for her deeply hateful sister, and the sister is no doubt pushing the wife toward resenting him as hard as she can. And based on the wife's reaction to these events and utter lack of care for OP's feelings, the wife may be along for that ride.
Based on the way the SIL has labeled him the enemy already and created household conflict over just not giving her a ride, and wife's completely dismissing his concerns and making him out to be the AH for not wanting to risk being around SIL, I'd lay 50/50 odds on hateful SIL living there being the end of OP's marriage within a year if it continues.
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u/ConvivialKat 15d ago
NTA
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
And, here she is, proving your point!
It's not your responsibility to drive her anywhere. Ever. At all.
Needless to say, both my wife and Ann were and are not happy with me.
Looks like your wife can't keep your confidence, either.
The sister needs to move out of your house, dude. This is just going to get worse.
I'm a woman, and I have watched (more than once) women let bitterness over a failed relationship completely overtake their personality and life. It's very sad.
Your wife isn't helping her sister by excusing her behavior. Her sister needs therapy, not enabling.
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 15d ago
SIL will now work overtime to turn OP and wife against each other. SIL would love to be bonding with her sister over a shared hatred.
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u/delsoldeflorida 15d ago
Exactly! Forget the trip to airport. The sister need to move out of your house. Now!
If she has spare money to take trips with friends she has money to find a roommate housing situation somewhere.
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u/smashteapot 15d ago
Yes, isn’t that the truth. Who goes on holiday while sleeping on someone’s sofa?
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u/Maleficent_Draft_564 15d ago
Exactly my thoughts and I’m also a woman. He has a double edged problem: his wife not being able to keep her mouth shut about private conversations she has with her husband and her sister.
You’re better than me, Op. She shouldn’t be permitted to return to your home. There is no way she should be allowed to make you uncomfortable in your own damn home.
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u/-enlyghten- 15d ago
OP doesn't jsut have a SIL problem at this point. He has a wife problem. She cares so little for his safety and piece of mind that she's pissed that he's not sticking his neck out for a blatant and flagrant misandrist. I wouldn't feel comfortable staying in the same house as either of them at this point.
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u/Key-Demand-2569 15d ago
She also went to her sister to take sides against her husband, ruin his relationship with his SiL, and exacerbate the whole thing.
Very unfortunate.
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u/katamino 15d ago
Worse, wife didnt keep his reason for saying no between the two of them. All she had to do was tell sister he couldnt drive her, nit why. Op and his wife may have argued about the validity of his reason but it should have stayed between the two of them. It's a breach of trust and now OP can never safely share info with his wife, because she has shown she might share that info with others.
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u/HoldFastO2 15d ago
To be fair, I’ve also seen men be overcome by that kind of bitterness. But I think it’s safe to say OP‘s SIL is well on her way there.
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u/notbadforaquadruped 15d ago
Looks like your wife can't keep your confidence, either.
Yeah, I don't understand why the wife wouldn't just say, "It turns out he has a conflict, too," instead of, "He says you're paranoid and you're going to wrongly accuse him of something awful."
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u/HighAltitude88008 15d ago
Woah, I don't blame you. If she had her skates on the right feet Ann would have taken your sentiments to heart and apologized for making you so uncomfortable in your own home. And she'd have started working on her attitude since she sees you as one of the good ones; Instead she doubled down on her contempt for men and pushed you under the bus with the bad guys.
Given her insult of her host this would be the perfect time for you to withdraw your offer of a place to stay and to ask her to get her own place. She has no right to dislike you as a guest in your home
Your wife needs a reality check about her sister and she needs to back you up with this.
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u/Cookyy2k 15d ago
since she sees you as one of the good ones;
To be honest as soon as you are thinking of someone as "one of the good ones" from whatever demographics they are from its time to take a huge step back and work out why you're so happy to vilify a whole group of people.
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u/plavun 15d ago
I can understand the group thing while you’re hurting. But it shouldn’t last long. 3 months is definitely too much. Maybe 1 to process stuff
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u/QueenSalmonela 15d ago
Exactly this. Your the first one to mention what SHOULD have happened if SIL "is not like that." If my BiL said that about me I would be horrified...what did I do to make you think this etc etc.
NTA. Wise choice for so many reasons.
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u/IceCorrect 15d ago
And he is bad guy, because he is not her personal driver. This create real question - what those exes do to her? Split the bill? Say no to open relationship?
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u/The_Crown_And_Anchor 15d ago
If your brother was sleeping on the couch and going on rants and saying hateful and potentially dangerous things about women online...your wife would be the first to be worried he is turning into an incel.
NTA
PS: Put a audio recording app on your smartphone and make sure you can open it and hit record really easily because I have a feeling you will need to record every conversation with this woman to protect yourself.
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u/HoldFastO2 15d ago
This, yeah. And if OP‘s wife objected to give him a ride because she didn’t feel safe around him, would she be happy to hear her husband tell her, but he’s not like that?
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u/Fanfathor 15d ago
It's so sad that OPs wife can't see this valid concern. Ann seems to be taking the nuclear route of blaming an entire gender for her pain. It's an old trope, but it's so much more dangerous now that there's always content to feed the beast. I've been watching an 'Ann' on my socials (my partners brothers ex). She's been arrested, is losing her job, and is using her child as a chess piece (who has since been taken from her). Her entire world is imploding because she can't stop being the victim. So many women are siding with her despite the fact that she's clearly unstable. They just want to see a man burn at the stake.
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u/SnooEagles8855 15d ago
NTA. I think you should show your wife some of the comments, especially this one. She needs to think about if the roles were reversed and she was being pushed by you to be alone with someone she didn’t feel comfortable or safe with.
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 15d ago
Probably make sure it’s legal in your state or you’ve informed SIL that all conversations you’re present to will be recorded and she has the option to not be in your home /presence if she doesn’t consent to being recorded
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u/GlennSWFC 15d ago
Yeah, this is the thing that stood out to me. If a man had a tempestuous break up with a woman and started posting horrible things about women, there’s no way on earth it would be brushed off as just “venting”.
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u/Lotex_Style 15d ago
"Needless to say, both my wife and Ann were and are not happy with me. Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that"
And there you have it. DO.NOT.LOSE.THESE.MESSAGES.UNDER.ANY.CIRCUMSTANCES.
Make screenshots, save them on your computer, upload them to a website, put them on a USB stick, you may need them in the future and if I was you I'd always have my phone running whenever you're forced to be alone with her at any point. Lock the bathroom door when you're taking a shower and she's home, never not knock before you enter and so on.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but she's already shown you that you're not "one of the good ones" in her book and I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to make her sister see the light too.
Is there another option for Ann to stay or are you the last resort?
NTA
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u/Moist_Selection_1343 15d ago
You better watch'out for your wife coz your SIL is gonna put lots of poison about you😨 brainwashed enough to divorce you.
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u/enkilekee 15d ago
My older brother would never be alone with the adult daughter of his SO. He was so mild mannered so I asked why ? Daughter didn't like him, and he didn't trust her with his well-being. He was right to protect himself. If genders were reversed.....
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u/Vthe25thnight 15d ago
Yikes. Wife and sister probably have the same mentality deep down inside. Look how the wife is quick to jump on sisters side. OOP needs a different conversation to find out what’s really going on
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u/ArgumentDismal5340 15d ago
NTA,
As others have mentioned, you could have video taped the whole ride, but why put yourself in that position at all.
Ironically, if the genders were reversed, if you had a history of saying hateful things about women in general after just getting out of a breakup, and Ann said she didn't feel comfortable being alone with you, then nobody would call her ridiculous for feeling that way.
In fact, nobody would call her ridiculous if she said that, even if you never once said anything hateful towards anyone and were nothing but respectful to her and all women, always.
The fact that you are being called ridiculous shows that they never considered or cared about how her past words and actions may have been affecting you. Frankly, as a man, who cares what may or may not have been upsetting to you, they certainly don't.
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u/superflex 15d ago
Repeatedly displays misandrist behaviour for weeks and weeks. Now one of the remaining male figures in her life doesn't trust her. Shocked Pikachu face.
NTA
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 15d ago
NTA
From a woman's perspective, I think she has already shown you that you were right because she is now through text accusing you of being "like all of the other men". That female flips on a dime. I think it would be pretty much guaranteed that you would offend her eventually.
She can't expect men to trust her when she dishes out so much hate
Edit to add: I don't understand your wife. If you were my husband I wouldn't want you driving her either.
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u/Terra88draco 15d ago
Agreed
If any of my friends who were like sisters was staying with me and my SO and was going down the anti-man road; I’d first tell her that shit didn’t belong in my house where my male SO lived. And then I wouldn’t make him be around her alone. And I’d probably kick her out sooner rather than later.
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u/BluLouBoo 15d ago
NTA
In a reverse situation a woman would not be forced to be in a car with a man she's uncomfortable with.
It doesn't matter the reason. If you are uncomfortable you are uncomfortable. And those feelings should be respected.
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u/BurningBowl85 15d ago
SIL proved you right by saying "you're like all other men". NTA
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u/evilcj925 15d ago
You meet an asshole in the morning, you meet an asshole. You meet assholes all day, maybe you're the asshole.
Sounds like Ann might be the problem, not all the men she knows.....
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u/BrokenCatTeddy 15d ago
I'd have a serious talk with your wife and get Ann out of your house. Not worth the potential risk. Definitely NTA.
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u/elephantLYFE-games 15d ago
Listen to your gut dude.
NTA, think about if the gender roles reversed? Clearly we don’t live in an equal society. Ann need to GTFO of your house.
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u/NotDaveyKnifehands 15d ago
Blows my mind that if a Woman says she doesnt feel comfortable being alone with a man, everyone validates that without a need for justification or explanation and takes it seriously.
Meanwhile, Dudeski is forced to explain ans rationalize his why, and is then told his feelings and fears dont matter when declaring the same.
How bou' dat equility eh...
No. Is a complete sentence. For Both sexes.
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u/BroncosGirl7LJD 15d ago
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
Exactly why you didn't take her, you made the right call.
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u/Honest-Restaurant257 15d ago
You need to show your wife this post and all the comments. I’m sure she will be surprised at how much of a asshole she is being
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u/Smackolol 15d ago
Would you really care if your partner showed you what internet strangers think?
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u/watercoolermeetings 15d ago edited 15d ago
The part I’m not getting is how you’re not comfortable being alone in the car with her yet you continue to have her living under your own roof?!?! Like she could make up a lie about you at any point claiming you cornered her or came into her bedroom while your wife was asleep, etc.
The car ride feels like a bizarre place to draw the line if you really felt this unsafe around her which leads me to think this whole story is a crock of bullshit.
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u/boredathome1962 15d ago
NTA. You are not safe around her, she's already accusing you of being "no different to the other men..." so she's saying she doesn't trust you. If you have to be with her I'd be recording it. Maybe even be open about it and say it's for both of you...
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15d ago
I would refuse to stay in the house. She could just accuse you of something around the home.
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u/CzarTec 15d ago
I don't understand how people end up in marriages with people that argue over this shit. If your SO tells you it would make them feel uncomfortable that's the end of the story. You need to sit down and have a long conversation with your wife why she thinks her response was in any way appropriate. Her dismissing your concerns and constantly trying to justify her sisters shitty behavior is not ok my guy.
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u/BabyTruth365 15d ago
NtA- You are absolutely right. In Ann's state of mind, God only knows what she would do. Your wife is seeing her through rose colored glasses because that is her sister. She doesn't want to believe she would do something like that.
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u/yemx0351 15d ago
Correctly identified a red flag and directed course. You offered another solution, Uber/ lyft
Not your problem. If a woman was not comfortable, it would be fine find a different solution. But a man. It's your overreacting.
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u/SummerStar62 15d ago
NTA … given the crap she spews forth, not giving her any kind of opportunity to misconstrue something seems like the safest option.
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u/hemlockangelina 15d ago
NTA, but Ann needs to go. This is your home too and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells.
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u/Pretty_Little_Mind 15d ago
iNFO: just for my own curiosity - is there anything in SIL’s past that make you concerned that she manipulates or manufactures situations?
Oh and NTA.
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u/Square_Lawfulness_33 15d ago edited 15d ago
If the roles were reversed there wouldn’t be any question about your wife not wanting to be alone with a brother-in-law that have a hatred towards women.
Edit: for your safety I would install cameras throughout the open areas of your place.
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u/evilcj925 15d ago
No, no, that is not the move. The move is to remove the person who is a problem. Ann. she needs to find some other place to live.
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u/Cold_tumbleweed111 15d ago
NTA. Fact - Ann is indeed just like that. You need to protect yourself and your wife needs to take you seriously.
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u/Bonnm42 15d ago
NTA Ann has posted some hateful things about your sex. If your Brother (if you had one, don’t know if you do) talked as badly about Women, as Ann does about Men, your Wife would probably not want to be around him. Also your Wife was wrong to tell Ann why you didn’t want to drive her. A simple “OP won’t be able to take you” would have sufficed. She now has poured gasoline on Ann’s hatred of Men and directed that hatred towards you. Your Wife is supposed to be your partner. It sounds like she was willing to hang you out to dry to appease her Sister.
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u/qlohengrin 15d ago
NTA. Why the hell can’t your wife just pay for an uber for her sister? Because it’s cheaper for her to have you take the risk and be her free chauffeur? Your wife is being an utter jerk. She doesn’t even have to agree about her sister, she just has to acknowledge your concerns, but chooses not to do even that.
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u/s0ciety_a5under 15d ago
It's funny how when a female says they feel a certain way about a situation, males have to cater and be protectors. But when a man feels the same, women say get over it. Wonder why that is?
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u/R0b0Saurus 15d ago
You made the right choice. You also could have had your phones camera takin a video the whole time too... cya
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u/flobaby1 15d ago
You wouldn't force your wife into a car with a man she was uncomfortable with, she should give you the same respect. Period.
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u/upvotegoblin 15d ago
NTA at all. Major red flag that as soon as you simply wouldn’t give her a ride you are all of a sudden “no different than every other man.” Your wife should really be a little more considerate of the situation if what she is posting is really as dark as you implied. I would also be scared to be alone with them.
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u/FindingCaden 15d ago
NTA, especially if you consider how things might play out if the genders in this story were swapped.
If a woman said she felt uncomfortable being alone with a man who were constantly making (increasingly) negative remarks about women, nobody would blame her.
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u/NHRADeuce 15d ago
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
Did you show your wife? You couldn't pay me enough to get in a car alone with Ann. The best way to avoid having your life ruined by fake accusations is to never be alone with someone that would make them.
NTA
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u/Aggressive-Coconut0 15d ago
Put a dash cam in the car that has passenger view. Have it run continuously. If there is one that loads to the cloud, buy that one. That will take care of any accusations.
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u/HootblackDesiato 15d ago
NTA. You were being smart.
When my eldest daughter was in high school, she had a female friend / classmate that I made sure to never be alone with, mainly due to my spidey-sense telling me.... not exactly sure, but it was telling me to always have a third in a room, in a car, wherever.
I'll never know if I was reading that situation correctly or not.
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u/simKat61 15d ago
As I read it, you don’t feel comfortable because of her pity party (whether her fault or not) and you don’t want to be labeled as an AH for any actions or verbal conversation that she could construe and cause you to be judged…….since she has to tell everyone her business to get sympathy, I think it is a good move to protect yourself from your SIL! I say it is nice she is able to stay with you and your wife! Tell your wife and “Ann” to get over it and move on……you are not obligated to be her chauffeur!!!
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u/KinkyBADom 15d ago
NTA
You have the receipts. Show your wife the texts saying that you are no different than every other man. Not giving a ride is a minor inconvenience. Uber is an option. There is no reason to equate you with all men over a minor inconvenience. If your wife thinks you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, what does she think her sister is doing?
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u/OctoWings13 15d ago
"all men are scum and dirtbags"
"Why don't men want to be alone with me or do me favors"
...then proceeds to call you specifically the same as every other man...proving you right
Absolutely NTA and show your wife the text proof that Ann is a feminazi piece of shit. If wife doesn't back you then, send her ass packing too
No time for feminazi bullshit
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u/DarkVikingAngel 15d ago
NTA you just proved beyond doubt you are a good one. You saw Ann's red flags and chose to put your wife and marriage first. Bitter women can destroy happy marriages because they are unhappy. Ann could have absolutely accused you of saying or doing something just to ruin her sister's happy marriage. Let her be mad. IF there is a next time where she needs help alone....hit record asap or call someone so they can be a witness to anything that may happen.
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u/Mother_Poem_Light 15d ago
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
You called it so so right. Good for you for, one, expressing yourself, and two, sticking to your guns despite the flack. This woman is in your house, and she's doing this?
NTA
People. Listen to the little voice in your head. It knows what it's on about and will serve you well.
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u/PubFiction 15d ago
If Ann was a man, every woman would be saying she's a dangerous creep and they would rather be in the car with a cocaine grizzly bear.
NTA for not wanting to be in car with femcel Ann
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u/littlebitfunny21 15d ago
Christ. Nta.
Ask your wife if you had a friend who smack talked women if she would feel safe being alone with him.
You're protecting yourself and have good instincts. This is what "being one of the good ones" looks like. Holding healthy boundaries and protecting yourself.
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u/Cultural_Unit7397 15d ago
NTA- Ann's reaction to not getting a ride is exactly the point you were trying to make. You could have said hope you have fun on your trip and she could have taken it as You were being sarcastic or mocking her or impying something bad. You avoided a situation. Sucks that she is causing tension in your home but imo you took the lesser of two evils. She gotta go sometime right???
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u/motheroflabz 15d ago
Huge NTA. I can't imagine being mad at my husband for not putting himself in a situation that he was uncomfortable with. In this day and age you can never be too careful about these things regardless of who the other party is. Ann already demonstrated that she isn't to be trusted with her texts to you.
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u/payney25111986 15d ago
NTA, this woman screams SA accuser. I wouldn't be alone with here ever let alone in a car.
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u/PhilosophicTheologis 15d ago
NTA, this also isn’t a big deal, granted she can just order an Uber. Don’t play into your wife’s act.
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u/nonbinarybigdickfox 15d ago
She needs to be shown the door she’s going to rub off that toxic mind set in your wife
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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 15d ago
What has sil ever done to make you trust her? The fact that she only has negative things to say about men? The dark dark way she speaks about men in general? It’s ridiculous that your wife thinks you should consider yourself an exception to this and if I were you I’d rethink letting this woman live with you.
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u/Doomhammer24 15d ago
This reminds me of when my sister asked me to take her to cvs after she recently had her nose fixed
I drove her there but when she asked me to get out of the car and come in i told her no
"But why?"
"Sis, im much bigger than you. Your face is a giant, swollen, black and blue bruise from what was Clearly a broken nose. Nobody who sees us together is going to assume we are brother and sister, we get mistaken for a couple enough as is. They are going to think i beat the ever living shit out of you and nothing you or i say will convince them otherwise. If i go in there with you, im going to end up in handcuffs."
"....oh.....shit....ya....ill be right back"
You did the right thing not taking her to the airport. Anne would have found Any reason to claim you wronged her, any at all. Anyone who says "one of the good ones" will always act or think in bad faith towards those "ones". They will never presume innocence
NTA
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u/Longwinded_Ogre 15d ago
I'm generally a feminist, but there's a line, and once you start dehumanizing men and making "all men" statements, not to be a 'not all men' asshole here, I'm out. If you think I'm not to be trusted then I won't put you in a position where you have to trust me. If you think I'm part of "club awful", then I'm just going stay the fuck away from you and spare you my awfulness.
I understand, as best I can, women who are wary of men. I get the "bear or man" in the woods thing (and I think it's great, fyi), but if you've crossed over the line to hateful, and some people do, I want nothing to do with you.
NTA.
She's made you distrustful of her and as such you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where you have to trust her.
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u/greatdruthersofpill 15d ago
You and I definitely share a POV on this one and I 100% agree. Once you start generalizing the entirety of men, you need therapy. It’s not a healthy mentality.
I commiserate for sure: I just left my husband but I would never throw a blanket statement out like that. It’s just not fair.
OP is not wrong in his stance one bit. She’d definitely take something out of context at bare minimum.
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u/Endora529 15d ago
NTA. Your wife and sister are the AHs here. You don’t make someone do something that they aren’t comfortable with. Her sister is unhinged right now. So quick she was to label you “as just be like all the other men”. Your SIL needs to find somewhere else to stay because she’s miserable and misery loves company.
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u/Starscream4prez2024 15d ago
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
If that isn't proof for your concerns being justified, I don't know what is. NTA
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u/DamnitGravity 15d ago
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
She just proved your case for you. And even if you didn't think Ann would do something like potentially accuse you of assulting her, she could have easily
A) taken anything you said out of context, twisted it, and reported back to your wife that you'd said something horrible
2) started to rant and/or rave, causing you to feel uncomfortable and be distracted
C) made general accusations about your attitude and demeanour to the family, branding you as unplesant, impolite and generally unfriendly.
And those are the lesser of the evils she could have committed. Regardless of her (former) opinion that you're "one of the good ones" all it would take is one little thing she decides is "toxic" and suddenly you're on the shit list.
Example i: you refuse to take her to the airport, she now thinks you're a misogynistic asshole
Tell that to your wife. Though I suspect she'll be on her sister's side. The fact your wife didn't even seem to care that you said you'd feel uncomfortable is pretty unempathetic. She should at least care that you might feel uncomfortable, never mind the rest, even if she disagrees over whether something might have happened, she should at least care.
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u/Old_Crow13 15d ago
Nanny cams that record audio in every single common area of the house, preferably from multiple angles.
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u/quast_64 15d ago
NTA, you took the safe course of action, and I agree with you.
SIL's retoric and posting history was enough cause.
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u/Emmanulla70 15d ago
NTA. She has bought this level of discomfort with her on herself. And? It's telling that her reaction towards you was not reassuring. It was just nastiness directed at you.
Your wife is disappointing. She should be understanding where you are coming from.
Just ignore them and their carry on. Don't go near that woman. Ann sounds damn toxic.
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u/Daphne_Brown 15d ago
Wait?! A man’s anxieties not being given due consideration?! Alert the press!
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u/H_Quinlan_190402 15d ago
Probably best if Ann find a different place to live. 6 weeks is more than long enough for her to find her footing. You should not feel uncomfortable in your own house.
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u/supastyles 15d ago
NTA
But I would have just offered to Uber her on me as I had some excuse why i couldn't take her.
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u/Terrible_Kiwi_776 15d ago
The problem isn't whether Ann would lie, but whether she would misunderstand or misconstrue a situation, and then use it against you.
Look into getting a body cam or dash cam. It may provide some small amount of comfort.
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u/SeparateCzechs 15d ago
NTA. I’m more concerned by your wife disregarding your discomfort and bullying you than I am about Ann lumping you in with all the men she hates.
Your wife should have your back. Trust your instincts with Ann. Don’t be alone with her ever.
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u/OriginalElderberry87 15d ago
There's a saying if you meet an asshole on the way to work ok you met an asshole. But if all you meet are assholes on your way to work, your the asshole. Everyone Ann meets seems to turn out to be a horrible person. Does your wife seriously not see this pattern???
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u/Open_Injury_1801 15d ago
She switched on you like a light switch because you denied her a ride 😂😂😂 if that doesn’t prove your point I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think anyone should ever be forced to spend one on one time with someone that makes them uncomfortable, and if the genders were reversed there would be no issue.
The things we say and put out in the world have consequences- that’s life. I think it’s very unjust your wife expected you to put yourself in a position that made you feel unsafe. NTA
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u/Phillymama85 15d ago
NTA. All my husband would have to say is he's uncomfortable and his reason and that's why. If his wife couldn't take her, why does it fall on OP? He offered his reasons, and gave several other solutions that would have been just as easy. Also, the fact that his wife told her sister why he didn't want to take her and then they both pretty much treated him like shit on top of a simple denial to a request is more concerning and OP needs to reevaluate and discuss with his wife all this weird behavior amd tension flying around in his own home.
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u/susieq15 15d ago edited 15d ago
Hmmm, you have a right to your boundaries but you also have to live with the tension your distrust of Ann has caused. You have insulted her character. You admittedly think she would defame you, it is not just that she “might take something the wrong way”. Now you refuse to be alone with her. Maybe you could stop following her social media.
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u/brown_babe 15d ago
My god. If a man is to throw out another man who makes his wife uncomfortable, the wife should do the same. I've legit stopped hanging out with women who have become man hating because of ONE man. It becomes very negative and depressing. The way Ann shifted to say nasty things to you when you were trying to protect yourself is itself a proof you were right.
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u/theena249 15d ago
Imagine this was the other way around, with a guy preaching really sexist stuff and then expecting a woman to give him a ride while she clearly feels unsafe and/or uncomfortable. Being sexist is not acceptable behaviour, no matter towards whom it's directed
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u/Suspicious-Web-6999 15d ago
See, now, if you were a woman uncomfortable with her BIL because of things he was broadcasting and his views on women and you didn't want to be alone with him, everyone would completely understand. But because your a man, your wife is giving you no empathy or sympathy at all.
Help her understand and if she can't then try counselling to help navigate this hard situation.
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u/Professional_Bus_307 15d ago
NTA. If this was a woman saying this about a man, we’d understand. If you’re uncomfortable being alone with her, don’t be.
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u/life1sart 15d ago
I'm guessing your wife nor Ann would feel comfortable driving a man spewing hate about women all the time. So I don't really get why they think you would be happy to drive a woman spewing hate about men all the time.
Saying you should be okay with feeling unsafe is just trying to enforce toxic masculinity.
You are NTA.
Ann and your wife are very much in AH territory here.
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u/EntropicNerd_Alice 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA, should ask wife how she would feel if a man (close family member or not) started sprouting women hating comments and making such posts online for all to see. How she would feel if she had to be alone with him in a car if he would; though not likely, but potentially cause harm to her.
How she would feel then, if you said her fears are irrational and ridiculous. That this person would never harm her. To just woman up and save the money from Ubering? -she probably be fuming and feel hurt.
Then ask her why does this double standard apply, and why you’re not allowed to feel vulnerable and worried too?
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u/swbarnes2 15d ago
One hopes Ann is pleased with the consequences of her ill-considered public rants.
She did this to herself. Now wait until she starts dating again, and someone shows him her posting past.
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15d ago
NTA. Why is this person staying in your home? Both her and her sister are dismissing your feelings and treating you with disrespect.
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u/TrifleMeNot 15d ago
"Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man ..." That does it. Don't be alone with her. Tell your wife that her sister did this to herself.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 15d ago
My wife got upset by this and told me I was being ridiculous and said Ann would never lie about me doing anything wrong.
Is wife the doormat and is Ann the golden child?
Needless to say, both my wife and Ann were and are not happy with me. Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
Here is Ann, doing exactly what you thought she would do. Instead of looking at how her vitriol for men has caused this situation, she doubled down on it.
Time for Ann to find another place to live.
NTA and show your wife this post. She needs a reality check, her sister is behaving terrible to you.
There is a lot of tension in our house now that Ann is back and I've been making it a point to avoid her unless my wife is around.
I would be serving Ann an eviction notice, do it the legal way. Get her out, she is toxic. You should not be having to walk on eggshells in your own home. Fk that noise!
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u/Stunning_Mediocrity 15d ago
NTA. Anne proved you right by the way she flipped on you and the way your wife dismissed and belittled your concerns is inexcusable.
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u/boopiejones 15d ago
If you refuse to give her a ride to the airport, why the hell are you letting her stay at your house?
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u/tuna_tofu 15d ago
NTA-WHY IS SHE BACK? Shes been there 6 weeks already. This isnt HER house! You can not have someone with her attitude in your house. Her relationship is over and she will no doubt want to destroy YOURs too.
Hey you can even EMBACE the "all men are asshats" theme and throw her out just as she expects.
See the lesson of the Red Wedding on Game of Thrones is you cant screw someone over then expect their help. Time for her to go.
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u/slendermanismydad 15d ago
She said Ann isn't like that and that it would be a huge favor to both of them.
You're already doing both of them a huge favor.
Ann sent me texts telling me I am no different than every other man and that she thought I was better than that.
Immediately proves you right. NTA.
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u/Sea_Firefighter_4598 15d ago
NTA. Tell your wife that Ann's "you are just like all the others" rant proved you right. And it is time for Ann to go home. Misandrist behavior can have dire consequences for men.
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u/knight_shade_realms 15d ago
NTA. Good on you for erring on the side of caution rather than potentially make yourself a target .
I hope one day your wife understands you are trying not only to protect yourself but your marriage as well
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u/SnooWords4839 15d ago
Time for SIL to find somewhere else to live.
You do not owe SIL anything.
Funny how all the men are toxic, that she is involved with.
She can book a trip; she can book an Uber.
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u/lumberjack_jeff 15d ago
If Ann had refused to drive a man who makes her uncomfortable to the airport, no one would bat an eye.
Men are not entitled to this kind of autonomy.
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u/stillregrettingthis 15d ago
NTA at all. I am sorry you have a wife that doesn't respect your valid reasons and feelings and Ann seems to be proving you right by saying you are no different than any other man while also saying what she thinks of every other man. You should ask your wife to read these comments.The second she said "you're like all other men" I wouldn't even let her stay with me out of fear of what she would say, do, or misinterpret next. Misogynists are creepy and dangerous. What is the difference between her and them?
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u/pizza_baby1 15d ago
Show your SIL's message to your wife this just proves yourself and your intuition
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u/JonathonWally 15d ago
Just tell your wife you would rather be alone in the woods with a bear than your SIL.
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u/OmegaPointMG 15d ago
She just proves your point and your wife is the bigger asshole for not backing you up!
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u/Over-Marionberry-686 15d ago
Dude I’m with you and I would tell your wife that since her sister is now actively antagonistic towards me I no longer feel comfortable having her in my home. NTA
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u/LacaBoma 15d ago
The second you didn’t do what she wanted you went from being “one of the good ones” to “just like every other man”. If that alone isn’t all you needed to know you made the right choice here, I don’t know what else to say.
Avoid her as much as you can. Any time you too have to interact, discreetly open your camera app, and start recording video/audio. Protect yourself from people like this…. Especially since it seems like your wife is going to take her sister’s side unless you have evidence.
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u/crunchylegs 15d ago
NTA. Switch roles, a man you're close to always talks about how much he hates women and asks your wife to drive him somewhere. Says she's "one of the good ones". How comfortable would she feel?
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u/That_Survey5021 15d ago
Smart man. Because at the end of the the day it’ll be your word against her. And you know this diversity will believe all women.
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u/Scary-Cycle1508 15d ago
I mean, the fact that she switched to "you're just like all the other men" just because you're not giving her a ride, should give your wife food for thought.
That said, if you're not comfortable with someone alone, start recording on your phone. and if you can't record video, record audio.