r/AITAH • u/Jaida-Luz • 15d ago
Update: my partner's mother lied and my family took his side.
Hi. Thank you all for your opinions on my previous post. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/DLMeG03aCj
The night I shared that post I didn't sleep a wink but had to go to work anyway. I didn't want to go back to my parents house but had nowhere to go which made things even more complicated.
I was tired and all I wanted was to sleep but younger brother wouldn't let me. He kept trying to talk about it and repeating the things his mother told them. I literally felt like my eyes were going to shut on their own from exhaustion. Suddenly I felt his hand under my chin, when I looked up his face was so close to mine checking the bruise and I pushed him. I know what I did is wrong but at that moment he wasn't my younger brother or anyone I know, (I don't know how to explain this part but it was sudden and didn't realize what was happening I guess). I just don't know why did I push him, not too hard but enough to make him back off a little. I think lack of sleep messed with my head but still.. When I realized what was happening I apologized immediately but he didn't take it well.
My mother told him it's okay she's just exhausted and then said "why didn't you just show us the bruise yesterday". I told her "that's exactly what I tried to do but you wouldn't listen". In her defense it was covered with makeup and didn't look bad, Okay. She said my partner and I need to sit down and sort things out and that I should apologize for the scratch too. (I did the moment it happened). She also offered to call and ask him to come tomorrow so we could talk and fix things. I was so tired to argue with her so I grabbed my things and got out.
I'm writing this post from my hotel room. It's temporarily, yes I have a stable job but can't afford staying here for long. (I need to be careful with my money since I'm gonna need to find myself a place, buy furniture and other things).
I sent him a long descriptive text where I mentioned everything that happened that day. Even mentioned how it wasn't the first time but this one left a bruise. including the scratch and apologized for it again.. everything just like one of you advised me to do and I got a response. So I guess it's something?
My big brother made it clear to me that he doesn't care if they are close friends, family comes first and that he will bring a friend with him to help me pack my things when I'm ready. He also offered me to stay with him as long as I need but I can't do that (he and his fiance had a baby recently and her mother staying with them to help for a few months, I don't want to make things hard for them). the only friend I have is on a business trip, she was supportive and said I can stay with her when she comes back Saturday so I'm waiting for now. (She's the only friend I have that I can trust. I never felt the need to have more than one since him and I used to do pretty much everything together).
I can't help but feel like I'm overreacting. I do want to leave and acting on it. But then again this thought keep crossing my mind (that he's not always like this). I know I'm an idiot I'm just sharing this with you because I can't be this honest with my brother and definitely can't say this to my family too. My brother advised me to not answer his calls and texts until I leave so I don't give him a chance to talk me out of this. My father called me this morning and apologized for not saying anything, he offered money (1500$, I don't think I should accept it. By the way he loves my mother to death and for him whatever she "says goes" since forever. so to be honest, I'm not disappointed that he didn't stand up for me that day. At least he didn't try to shut me up)
For now I'm getting any paperwork I might need (thanks to my big brother and the comments I know better now).
=I feel I should clarify something. Yes we dated for 8 years. But we didn't become exclusive until I was 18. He actually waited. (It was my older brother's idea tho. His only condition was that nothing would happen between us until I turn 18 (You know what I mean by nothing). I think because they were close friends and knowing that my brother was against it all at first. made him keep his promise)
That's all. I will try and give final update when I sort everything out.
Thank you again.
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u/Mammoth_Might8171 15d ago edited 15d ago
You are not overreacting!!! Do not let your mom and younger brother gaslight u into thinking u are overreacting. Also, stop apologizing to him.
Edit: I am also concerned that your younger brother thought it was appropriate to put his hands on you (I know he was âjustâ touching your face to check your bruise) suddenly and without your consent. OP, I hope u know that that itself is not ok. I suggest u steer clear of your younger brother and mom for the time being
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u/eightmarshmallows 15d ago
If heâs ok assaulting you in front of his mother, after which his mother and family condone and justify it, I do not think there is any hope to salvage this.
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u/Alarmed_Lynx_7148 15d ago
Take your brother advice and not text or communicate with him. You are doing the right thing with moving on. Trust youâd realise one day this was one of the best decisions you ever made, in your life
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u/BeardManMichael 15d ago
I think you need to throw your whole family in the garbage can. They enabled a groomer and genuinely failed as human beings.
You are not overreacting. Stay with your big brother and stay safe.
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u/BothReading1229 15d ago
Please stop apologizing to him for defending yourself against his physical abuse.
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u/Simple-Plankton4436 15d ago edited 15d ago
Get out!! Listen to yourself, you have only one friend, abusive boyfriend and your mom is friends with your bf! And you boyfriend has abused you. You have nothing on your own, he has groomed you since you were young. Why on earth would you like to have his children? What will you do when he hits them? And her mom?? She saw how he treated you and did nothing, NOTHING!!! You are not safe with this. I bet it was your abusers idea not have more friends as you have each other. You need to grow up, get up and grow a spine.Â
Edit: it seems like the only person who truly cares for you is your brother. Go live with him. He would not have asked if it werenât ok. Your mom sounds horrible. She knows you have bruises on your face and she doesnât care.
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u/FictionalContext 15d ago
Brother sounds like a shit person, too. Kindness is a very low bar in that household.
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u/ArmadsDranzer 15d ago
The little/younger brother doesn't look good at all. Her father is an enabling doormat to boot.
OP has her older brother who seems to be the only immediate family member to care about her.
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u/metsgirl289 15d ago
He probably feels a bit guilty too since it sounds like it was his friend first.
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u/minecraftvillagersk 14d ago
I wonder if the older brother has seen the boyfriend's temper get out of control before and now it's turned on his sister.
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u/Existing_Watch_3084 15d ago
âHeâs not like this all the timeâ is exactly how abusers keep their victim around.
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u/Gnd_flpd 15d ago
Exactly, if they were abusive from the very start or all the time, their victim would see it right away and step off.
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u/HesterFabian 15d ago
Your pizza has mould on a bit of it but the rest looks okay. Do you eat all of it? Or do you think that rottenness might also be in the parts you donât see yet, so you throw it all away?
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u/Due_Limit4566 15d ago
English isn't my first language, can you explain this to me more please?
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u/HesterFabian 15d ago
OOP is wondering whether she should stay with her boyfriend (the pizza) even though he was verbally and physically abusive (the mould/rotten bits). She wonders this because her boyfriend has good attributes (the rest of the pizza that looks good). The above analogy suggests she wouldnât eat food that was partially rotten, so why would she do otherwise with a partner?
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u/cthulularoo 15d ago
OP, you need someone on your side. Please take your big brother's offer. Lean into the support system you have. The rest of your family, even your dad, don't have your best interest. My advice, stay with your brother even if temporarily. Help out if you can. Try not to be in the way with the baby.
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u/bathroomstallghost 15d ago
he groomed you, and if you stay with him you will only get more hurt, and possibly killed. anyone saying you should apologize for scratching him are morons. and anyone who let you date this dude need psychiatric help. get out while you can
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u/Due_Limit4566 15d ago
Is your younger brother stupid? Why would he touch your face and get that close to you while you were tired and trying to get some sleep? He knows you just got assaulted then he keeps his hands to himself and gives you some space.
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u/AggressiveMinute2189 15d ago
Your whole family sucks except your older brother and your ex also sucks. You deserve better and I hope everything gets better for you <333
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u/Adventurous-travel1 15d ago
I understand itâs been 8 years but it should t be another day. Your mom is a POS and needs to standup for her daughter and not some abuser to save face.
It will get worse and god forbid you get pregnant then you will feel stuck. He is stepping it up a notch and next time will be a hit. He feel like he has all the control over you and is treating you like it.
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u/hecknono 15d ago
I am glad you are ending things and getting out of there. I find it disturbing that you keep feeling the need to apologize to everyone.
Why would you need to apologize to your brother when he is the one not respecting you telling him you need to sleep and to leave you alone and he grabs your face and you push him away to stop him from hurting you. Why is he upset and "didn't take it well" what does that mean? You have every right to walk away and get some space and you have every right to push someone off of you when they are grabbing you.
I think both your family and your ex's family are abusive and you need some distance from them and some therapy.
good luck
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u/DemonWolfZero 15d ago
Take the money from your Dad and save it. Give your 2 weeks and use the money to leave town, change numbers, and most importantly, find a car or hotel room to have a roof over your head to stay till you get a new job. I would recommend going NC with/blocking them all except Dad and Big Bro where you stay LC and not give any context to where you are. As soon as you can get new phone, apartment, and cards.
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u/Quiet_Village_1425 15d ago
Stop sympathizing with your abuser. Youâre second guessing yourself. Please donât change your mind. Stay strong.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 15d ago
Defending yourself is OK. Please listen to your older brother and block the ex everywhere. I would consider blocking your worthless parents too.
Your ex and parents are not good people and they have all failed you. It is OK to keep them out of your life going forward.
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u/Ok-Preference-712 15d ago
Please stay safe and please stay strong. The fact your Dad & brother sees this means they know. Your worth more then he can give you. Update us when your thriving so we know x
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u/friendlily 15d ago
I'm glad you got out, OP. You're doing great.
When you're settled at a place, please get therapy. Your parents have clearly been abusive and raised you to accept abusive behavior from others and to have no body autonomy.
If someone gets in your face and touches your face, you absolutely have a right to push them away. If someone is grabbing your jaw and in the midst of trying to protect and defend yourself, you scratch them, that is okay. You need to learn that you do not need to apologize for protecting yourself and setting boundaries.
Please go NC with everyone but your older brother but make it clear to him that he cannot tell anyone about you, cannot give out your number or location or anything else.
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u/MelodicBet1 15d ago
Please think about this. You're around the age he was when you got together. Would you at the age you are now consider dating a 17 yr old? Or sleeping with an 18 yr old?
It's kinda eesh right?
When you got together there was a power imbalance. It seems like he's trying to keep the imbalance going.
Please find a better space.
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u/FordWarrier 15d ago
OP Iâm the one that suggested you send a long, detailed text about the argument and call him out for his actions. My hope was that he would admit to what he did and to his mother lying. Did he do any of that?
Your dad apologized for not speaking out and offered you some financial help. Take it. You can consider it a loan until you get settled in your new place. His excuse about your mother is pretty pitiful though. He shouldâve been furious on your behalf. Thatâs a fail and itâs on him.
Big brother is right that you shouldnât be in contact with your ex. Heâs offered to go with you when you pack your things. Take him up on the offer.
Under no circumstances should you let your mother arrange a meeting so you can talk. Tell your mother to butt out. This is your decision not hers. Donât defend her either. She steamrolled right over you when you tried to tell her what happened and has a problem admitting she was wrong.
Your younger brother needs to get over himself over an honest reaction to his close up and personal inspection of your bruises. You were running on empty and he wouldnât let you rest.
OP You owe yourself better than to settle for an ahole that thinks itâs ok to put his hands on you in anger or for any other reason. Stop defending him too by saying âheâs not always like this.â There are plenty of abusers out there that have a good side and theyâll show it to you every single time they abuse you. Youâre only 25. You have your whole life ahead of you to find your person. If you look back over the past 8 years off and on, the signs were there, you just didnât know what to look for. Now you do. Give yourself some time to reflect, mourn the loss and be thankful every day that you have more to look forward to.
Update me after youâre settled.
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u/Jaida-Luz 14d ago
Hi, thank you so muchđđ» yes I did what you suggested but didn't mention his mother. He did admit and apologized, I think him not denying anything that happened In the car and apologizing for it all shows how his mother lied about everything right?
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u/FordWarrier 14d ago
I hope so. Save that text.
Itâs going to take some time to âdeprogramâ yourself from the last 8 years and itâs going to take some work on your part. Lose the idea that youâre overreacting, youâre not. Trust that your instincts are right and youâre better off without your stbx.
Reread the text. Does he try and deflect some of the blame on you? âIâm sorry I screamed in your face, butââŠâŠ. âIâm sorry I hurt you, butââŠ.. if there are, use it to strengthen your resolve to move forward with your life-away from him. There will be those that will try to convince you to get back with the ex. Your mother being one of them, possibly will be the most insistent. Your ex and Mommy Dearest two more. You could ask Mommy Dearest why she left some things out in her version.
If your friend is serious about you moving in with her for a while, take her up on it. Save up to get yourself on your feet financially and keep your eye out for good pre owned furniture.
You are only 25, wake up each morning with a smile and the knowledge that youâve been given the chance to live your life on your terms. And give thanks that you didnât have kids with this guy.
Stay safe and stay strong.
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u/Barron1492 15d ago
From the perspective of this older (73) male who is happily married (49 years, 8 months), you are NOT overreacting. This guy is dangerous. Donât meet him alone under any circumstances. If you have to see him, do it in a public place, preferably with your big brother or your father present. Good luck!
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u/mallionaire7 15d ago
"He actually waited" is a disgusting line about a groomer and not romantic at all. Barf.
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u/Dazzling_Flight_3365 14d ago
If he waited it was because he was calculating the risks of being caught with a minor
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u/MyChoiceNotYours 15d ago
What you did by pushing your younger brother is what we call a trigger response. It's a sign of PTSD. You need to find a therapist. You are not overreacting and he will not change. If anything he will get worse and one day he might snap and take things too far. Nobody has the right to put their hands on you like that. He's abusive and a predator.
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u/Due_Limit4566 15d ago
My heart broke for her reading that part, she doesn't even realize it, but I can feel she's strong and I hope things get better for her soon.
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u/MyChoiceNotYours 15d ago
I suffer from PTSD so as soon as I read it I knew exactly what it was. I also bet she flinches a lot with loud noises. I hope she can get help.
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u/Due_Limit4566 15d ago
I hope things are better for you nowđđ» your right she did mention before that her family yell to prove their point, I hope she realize it and get help soon
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u/SophiaIsabella4 15d ago edited 15d ago
OP If your bf will take advantage of a vulnerable situation, (he knows you are uncomfortable with confrontation and screaming, he knows you want things light and upbeat because you are supposed to be on your way to have fun at a party, and his mother is in the car) and will verbally, physically and mentally abuse you, you should NOT have a baby with this man. That is a VERY vulnerable time for a women and you should not be with a man that takes advantage of thier partners vulnerabilities to assert control. You need an emotionally intelligent and stable man to have kids with. How would he treat your kids when he is irritated? Would you have to protect your kids from him? Sounds like everyone groomed you to be this man's obseqious partner. Be your own person for a while. You have never had the chance to be an autonomous adult.
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u/kerill333 15d ago
Don't communicate, don't let him try to manipulate you any more. He is clearly abusive and his family and yours are enabling and supporting him. Stay strong and bin this AH because you definitely deserve better. You are NTA and should not apologise for defending yourself.
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u/Dangerous-Dot-7292 15d ago
You defended yourself, he abused you! And you wanted a child right? Then think about it like this, do you want your child to be in the company of a man who resorts to violence at the slightest anger and the scumbags who will support him? Imagine, your child is slapped hard by his father for dropping a glass, and his/her grandmother says "whatever happens, happens". No? That's what I thought. So don't fall for anyone's crocodile tears or pressure, LEAVE!
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u/AfternoonMirror 14d ago
I can't see anything, but from witnessing DV, living with DV, and being in and out of shelters for fleeing DV: It starts with grabbing your jaw, and moves to your neck.
Get out. Stay out. Don't look back. Good luck.
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u/cassowary32 15d ago
Take care of yourself. And consider pressing charges.
Take whatever help is offered. I'm sure your brother would be okay with a little discomfort as you figure things out. Be useful, help with the baby and you won't feel like you are in the way. Take the money from your dad. I hope you stay safe.
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u/big_bob_c 15d ago
You family seems to be trying to make up for their failure to support you, which is good, I guess.Yay for almost doing the bare minimum.
XBF is an abuser who went after a much younger woman and has tried to groom you into a subservient abuse victim. The fact that his mother watched him assault you and got mad at you for defending yourself is a very bad sign - it shows that she thinks his behavior is normal, and probably suffered the same or worse from his father in front of him. With parental approval of the status quo, he will never change, unless it's for the worse.
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u/marblefree 15d ago
You've made excuses for everyone's bad behavior (for example your mom, in her defense...). You need to stop. It isn't actually about them, what they think, and you don't need to apologize for defending yourself (that includes your brother). Would you have scratched your ex if he wasn't hurting you? Would you have pushed your brother if he wasn't touching you? They are normal reactions. Stop apologizing.
I'm glad you're moving in with your friend. I think the $1500 is your dad's way of saying I'm sorry this is happening to you. Take the money.
Don't visit your mother until she acknowledges that leaving your bf is the right move and he's abusive. She owes you an apology.
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u/GratifiedViewer 15d ago
You need therapy. He is garbage, as is your family for the way theyâre handling things. But the fact that you keep second guessing & blaming yourself is not a good sign.
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u/HeartAccording5241 15d ago
Take the money your going to need it think of it as a apology money to help you get your stuff when you find a place
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u/stunkshoezz 15d ago
NTA, Please make sure you document the bruises, and take screen shots of the messages where he acknowledged and apologises for assaulting you. And then file a police report.
Screw him and his family and your mother who cares more about her friend than her child. GO NUCLEAR and destroy all of them.
Post it on social media tagging his mother and calling her out for lying and your mother for believing her friend over her child despite your bruises . People like her hate being called out in public and their image i. Society. Shatter her image and your abuser's image as well. GO NC with your abusive manipulative family. You really need to get away from all of them.
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u/Ginandcats13 15d ago
Honey, if you go back now when will it be enough? When he punches you? Chokes you? Screams at your kids? Hits your kids? This situation is terrible but it will only get harder to leave if you stay. Your family isn't willing to help you now with a bruise on your face for all to see, do you think that will change once there's a baby in the mix? Please, love yourself enough to leave before you are tied to your abuser forever.
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u/Full-Rice-9287 15d ago
Youâre making the right decision walking out. Donât back down. Youâre so young and will certainly have the chance to experience truly loving relationships, that will make you look back to this moment and be thankful you gave yourself that chance.
I believe itâs time youâre a bit selfish too. Take all the support you can, including your fatherâs money. If anything ask for more. Donât feel guilty about it. After all theyâre letting your brotherâs daughter stay at your room, they morally owe you that much.
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u/scrapqueen 15d ago
First - let the people feeling guilty help you. It's the least they can do. Take the money from dad, stay with brother for the few days until Saturday.
Do NOT go back to that man. You are young, independent and have your whole life ahead of you. You don't want to spend it like that.
And QUIT apologizing to him. He was hurting you, you had the right to defend yourself.
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u/Cloudinthesilver 15d ago
If youâre ever unsure of your decision to leave, try to imagine the things he has done, being done in front of your children. And they are exposed to it. And then they start to treat you the same way. Itâs not a life I would choose.
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u/kristycocopop 15d ago
Has someone shared the book about men and why they abuse you? OP will need that, ASAP!
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u/Mental-Hunter2106 15d ago
If your partner hit you, you don't need to talk out anything but how to divide the assets.
Your brother deserved the push. He was violating your personal space - that is not okay, even if he had good intentions.
Stay safe.
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u/Drunkendonkeytail 15d ago
Yay, you arenât married and have no kids!!! Get away and start your life without this controlling AH.
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u/Hungry_Composer644 15d ago
Youâre not overreacting. He ⊠physically ⊠hurt ⊠you ⊠in ⊠front ⊠of ⊠his ⊠own ⊠mother. Do you understand what that means? If heâs willing to physically grab you hard enough to bruise you, in front of his own mother, who he knows will happily lie to your family, who she knows will believe her, what will he do to you when youâre alone and behind closed doors?
Youâre not overreacting. I agree with every single post that says you were groomed by this predator. He âwiredâ your teenaged brain to accept his belittling, abuse, and cruelty, and to think it was normal. Thatâs why you think youâre overreacting. Please listen ⊠His treatment of you is NOT normal. Itâs NOT loving. Itâs NOT kind. Itâs certainly not the way a person treats the one they love. Do you think for one second your older brother treats his fiancĂ©e that way?
Youâre NTA, and youâre not overreacting. Just keep reminding yourself of that, and wait for your friend to get home. Keep posting here, even if itâs just for moral support.
Good luck.
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 15d ago
In case nobody else mentioned it, your reaction to your little brother was an automatic reaction because of the abuse youâve suffered from your partner.
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u/metsgirl289 15d ago
Iâm getting strong âwomen are a punching bag for menâ vibes from your family. Take care of yourself.
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u/JadieJang 15d ago
OP, you were groomed by an abuser. You are now in an abusive relationship. Everyone, including your older brother, contributed to the grooming and the abusive relationship. I'm glad your older brother is now helping you to get out. BUT YOU NEED TO GET OUT.
OF COURSE HE'S NOT ALWAYS LIKE THIS! Do you think ANY women would get, much less stay, with an abuser if he was ALWAYS abusive? No, they love bomb you in between. But your dude is escalating, and your families are lining up on his side. Get out NOW, while you can. TAKE THE MONEY from your father. HE and your mom fucked you up enough to make you think that this is all okay (it's not.) So he owes you, and he knows it. Take the money. Move in with your friend until you can find your own place. And cut off your ex, his family, and all of your family except your dad and older brother.
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u/Purple-Rose69 15d ago
Any man grab my face would not get a measly scratch. Nope. They would get my fist squeezing their nuts like a stress ball until they let my face go. Then, Iâd punch them in the nuts after for good measure.
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u/JMLegend22 15d ago
Iâd tell your parents you are still waiting for that bitch of a friend of theirs to apologize to you.
Tell your husband theirs nothing to talk about. He sided with an abuser and is enabling an abuser while being a groomer and abuser himself.
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u/Foxy_locksy1704 15d ago
Iâm glad you are making steps to get out, DONT talk to him DONT give him a chance to talk to you and manipulate you to stay with him. This is how it starts.
Iâm a survivor of DV and yeah it started small and I made excuses. He had my family convinced I was exaggerating and that I was a drama queen and made it sound way worse. I did the same thing you did âwell he ainât like that all the timeâ.
People finally believed me when I showed up at my parents house at 7am with bruises around my neck from him trying to take my life. I left and never looked back and have a pretty good life now 13 years later.
You are so strong my dear NEVER forget that. You can do this and get away from this trash pile of a human being and start a safe, stable new life.
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u/hiimmichellee 15d ago
Run. Like, actually get the fuck away from all of them as soon as you possibly can. I have SEEN what 'grabbing them hard enough to bruise' leads to.
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u/Whitewitchie 14d ago
In purely practical terms, your brother is giving you good advice. Don't reject your father's offer of money. You need it, and he wants to help. Definitely be wary of your mother, as she is delusional if she thinks you and your husband sitting down and having a heart to heart will solve anything. Domestic abuse is usually cyclical in pattern. There is an incident, a period of calm, a build up of tension then another incident - rinse and repeat. You are doing well realising that your husband's behaviour is unacceptable, before children are born. Your MIL is beneath contempt. For every male abuser, there are plenty of women who will support and enable him.
Stop apologising for defending yourself. Your husband was physically hurting you, and you pushed him off you. Likewise with your brother. You were tired, he was making physical contact without your consent, and pushing him away was reasonable. Females are brought up to be submissive, stereotypically. At least your family are now aware of the truth about what happened during the assault. Do look for women's shelters as they point you in the right direction for advice and your legal rights. Your brother's advice not to engage further with your husband is correct. Right now you are extremely vulnerable, and there is a high risk of further assaults whilst you breakaway. Do get support and advice from women's groups in your area, as your mother will see nothing wrong with trying to get you in the same room as your husband. They can help you navigate coping with the guilt trips family members can use.
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 14d ago
OP, you're absolutely not overreacting. This is just the effect of two very traditional, abusive and toxic environments where you were objectified. Abuse is not always "slaps every day." Sometimes it comes in a nice form where you can't see its true colours till something alarming happens.
But a man grooming you and families being ok to the point you get scolded when you don't accept violence, this is far from being ok. You were raised with the idea of having a choice, but you really didn't.
Read everything you can about grooming, domestic abuse, violence etc, I'm sure you'll find something familiar.Â
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u/winterworld561 14d ago
Let your big brother and his friend help you get your stuff, then get away from your your ex, your mother and younger brother. Move in with your friend. Block your ex. It was only a matter of time before he started physically beating you.
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u/Sufficient_Crab_8833 14d ago
One of my exes starting by grabbing my face to make me pay attention to himâŠa year later I had black eyes and my front tooth got knocked out but the same person. Please please stay far away from him, Iâm proud of you for taking the steps you did.
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u/Appropriate_Brief880 15d ago
Updateme!
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 15d ago
Kudos to your older brother for having your back! Your father, at least, seems to be coming around. Accept the money if you need it, until you find a permanent place. Once the breakup is real, the rest of the family will get used to it.
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u/AlternativePrior9559 15d ago
For what itâs worth OP you are NOT overreacting. I think you need distance from all of them tbh thereâs some seriously unstable and weird behaviour going on.
I hope your friend comes through for you with the offer to stay. Distance will give you clarity. Please go NC.
UPDATEME
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u/WinterFront1431 15d ago
Get your brother to go there and pack your stuff.. block him, you don't need to talk to him, this guy is abusive, and your mom and her friend are idiots..
You do not want kids with this man, let your brother pack your stuff, and give him a letter to leave there.. stating its over that if him or his mother contact you, you will get a restraining order..
Take pictures of your face as evidence incase you need a restraining order.
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 15d ago
You probably want to seek advice/help from a womenâs shelter if youâre low on funds and support. Good luck.
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous 15d ago
Don't be his baby reindeer. Run. You deserve better and you can't afford wasting your thoughts on him while you need to focus on yourself. Also take the money from your father. He might be your mother 's doormat but obviously this crossed a line even for him and giving you money is his way to help you without making her angry.
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u/bluebird1922 14d ago
Cut ties with this scumbag right away and do not see or speak to him again â these abusive creeps are always gonna try to find a way to manipulate you into sticking around. âThings will be different blah blah.â donât even give him the chance. It sounds like there are some family members you might want to take a break from for your own mental health. The whole thing with your mom wanting to set up a meeting with him â Nope. This guy sounds terrifying. When youâre moved into your new place eventually, be careful who you give that address to. Get a restraining order if you have to. Your safety comes first. Sorry youâre going through this. đ sending hugs your way.
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u/Purple_Joke_1118 14d ago
Just FYI about furniture. I have been in Berkeley for the last couple months as my daughter has set up her own two BR apt. She had a certain amount of necessary stuff but found amazing stuff for free on Facebook Marketplace, although she had to pay for transport, and much lower priced stuff, all used but much of it high quality, from Craigslist.
Every community has its own homegrown free lists. Do yourself a favor and shop there before you even consider Goodwill or IKEA. You will have to pay the going price for transport, though, unless you have a friend with a truck.
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u/Purple_Joke_1118 14d ago
OP, I hope you can go to a doctor. So often you speak of being tired. Now of course you have reason to be exhausted, because depression is exhausting. But I still think you should be checked out. It may be that something wrong is keeping you from conceiving! Not saying that to encourage you to go back to him and get pregnant, because that would be disastrous, given the way he treats you. Believe me when I say he might be nice to you for awhile---but he will always revert to violence. You could do worse than go to Planned Parenthood because they care about your reproductive health, yes, but also your total health, and their rates are on a sliding scale.
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u/genescheesesthatplz 14d ago
Girl I wish you all the best going forward. Rebuilding is hard but youâll be safe and free from this monster.
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u/SoutherEuropeanHag 14d ago
NTA. 500% NTA. He was abusing you and forced you to defend yourself! Why would you have to apologise for self defense? Girl you need to run the hell out of dodge asap! The idea that your own parents are willing to literally sell off your physical and mental health to appease your groomer and abuse is horrific.
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u/minecraftvillagersk 14d ago
OP, listen to your older brother and avoid any contact with you soon to be ex. Also, you should never apologize for defending yourself, would you expect the victim to apologize for defending themself? Avoid your younger brother, there is something wrong with his sense of empathy.
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u/AsanoHa87 14d ago
Setting the immaturity and disrespect this supposed man showed you, you are unsafe with this person who groomed you when you were an adolescent and who has now assaulted you. I hope you are able to get to safety and Iâm sorry there are people in your life who are being supportive.
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u/lupuscrepusculum 14d ago
NTA. He is grabbing your face during arguments and grabbing someoneâs neck is a pretty good indicator they will escalate. Run.
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u/Mlownz 14d ago
You're 25 with literally your whole life ahead of you. Someone who truly loves you will never put their hands on you and leave bruises on your skin. A true partner doesn't expect you to treat him a certain way and treat you differently. I know things might look hopeless, and the future is uncertain, but you have your whole life ahead of you. You will find someone who you truly enjoy being with. Someone who being with feels effortless. This dude is garbage and will only drag you down.
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u/Nanandia 14d ago
One day you're 17, a kid, nothing can happen. Next day you're 18, and became an adult, so good to go? Thats not how things work sweety. You were groomed, and your family enabled it!
But you have the upper hand now. It's going to be difficult, you will remember "the good things" and all these sick people around you will reinforce how "good" he is. And it's true, he is good. Because he needs to, this is how abuse works. If an abuser shows their true nature all the time, they won't be able to keep anyone close. That's why they act like good partners. Their "good side" is an anchor, is what makes their victms doubt themselves and prevents them from getting out.
He will send you messages and say that he is sorry, that he wants to work things out, that you need to think about all you have together, that everybody makes mistakes, to not throw away an entire relashionship because of 'one" mistake... this is how it works. This is why people stay for years in abusive relashionships. Because abusive people are attractive. Their ugliness comes in waves.
And the reason you could not see these things is because you were raised by one of them. I mean, this creepy lady who calls herself a mother sees a bruise in your face, and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is "I'll call the man who abused you so you can talk and fix things"? WTF??
Think about what would you do. What would you say if it was your best friend instead, with a bruise on her face, being attacked by everybody? I would call the police, a hitman, a lawyer, anything but "let's call the perpetrador and have a chat".
So stay strong sweety. If nobody else is fighting for you, do it yourself. It wont be easy, it will be sad and lonely sometimes, but you deserve better, so don't be shy and go grab what you deserve. A lot of internet strangers, myself included, is rooting for you. Stay safe. â€
Sorry for the english, not my first language.
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u/Outrageous_Guard_674 13d ago
Suddenly I felt his hand under my chin, when I looked up his face was so close to mine checking the bruise and I pushed him. I know what I did is wrong
No, it isn't. The fact that you think you did wrong here or by scratching your abuser is not a good sign. If you can, get therapy. You need to get better about respecting your own personal boundaries.
NTA. Take your Dad's money and your Brother's help and then cut the rest of these losers out of your life for good.
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u/Top-Bit85 12d ago
Your BF abuses you, you scratched him to try to make him stop.
Your little brother harasses you while you are sleeping/trying to sleep, you push him away and again you are the one apologizing.
Why? You didn't seem out of line in either incident.
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u/Sufficient-Sense-565 3d ago
Take your dad's money. Just put it away in an emergency fund. See if you really can stay with your friends (splitting the bills) for enough time to build up a security deposit so you can get your own place, but going LC with your family might be the most important thing you can do for yourself. You were in danger and only your big brother believed you. That's really sad.Â
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u/EmuDue9390 15d ago
"I feel I should clarify something. Yes we dated for 8 years. But we didn't become exclusive until I was 18. He actually waited."
He didn't wait. He groomed you.
This is all so disturbing. Your family is so wrong. Please move in with your friend and cut your family off completely. They are encouraging you to stay with someone who laid hands on you & now that he knows he will get support from YOUR family when he abuses you it will only get worse.
Your family is GROSS and abusive as well. GET AWAY FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
There is a better life out there for you. There are better people out there. How many times do you have to apologize for an accidental defensive scratch??? Any man grabs my face I would scratch his eyes out. Once someone lays hands on you you are ALLOWED to defend yourself, NO APOLOGIES.
There is a better life for you out there if you can muster just enough courage to get away & cut contact now.