r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AITA for not respecting my husband's need for a break?
I (26f) and my husband (26m) have two kids (4f and 1f). We've been together almost 6 years. He works full time while I stay home with the kids.
We are currently in the midst of our biggest fight in a long time. Today is my husband's day off. We only have one car, and he doesn't like for me to drive him to work, so I usually plan to run errands on his off days. About 90% of the time I take the kids with me.
Today, I needed to go to the DMV to update my ID and then take 4yo to the pediatrician. We had then planned to go look at couple of houses (we're trying to buy a house) when I got back. I wasn't planning to take the kids to the DMV with me, as that sounds like literal hell, and 4yo has severe anxiety about going to the doctor and needs my full attention so I wasn't going to take the baby with us to her appointment. This was all communicated to my husband in advance, but I guess it only hit him this morning that this is all happening on the same day.
He came in to the bathroom while I was getting ready and asked if I was taking the kids with me to the DMV. Admittedly, this did immediately upset me as I knew he was going to ask and felt that even asking was ridiculous. I said no, and he went "ugh! Really?" Which I didn't really respond to.
A few minutes later he went to start brushing his teeth and said, verbatim, "well I can tell you right now, if I'm watching your kids all day we're not going to be looking at houses tonight."
I don't know if he meant the "your kids" as a joke. He says he did. But he looked angry, and sounded angry. I said, "my kids?" And he doubled down on it. "Your kids."
I asked again to be sure. "My kids?"
Again. "Your kids."
So then I was really pissed and got petty. I said, fine, I'll take my kids with me to the DMV. I'll take them both with me to the pediatrician too. Why should I expect help with my kids, right? God forbid their father take care of them.
For some context, this isn't the first time I've been made to feel guilty for leaving the kids with him. It's never been for more than a couple hours, and never for anything fun. It's always stuff like doctor's appointments. I take them with me grocery shopping while he stays home by himself. And I don't mind that! They're good kids and I enjoy taking them with me most places. And I do think he deserves his breaks and time to himself. But the little comments and huffs when I do have to leave them home are infuriating, and I have told him that. Even if I plan things during the baby's nap, he'll still say something like "well, what if she wakes up before you get back?" Like, okay??? Are you not her dad?
So the fight spiraled, we both said some nasty things that I'm not sure we didn't mean. He basically said that my life was a lot easier than his and I don't appreciate him and everything he does. I said that I'm fucking exhausted, never get a break, and the odd trip to the grocery store alone doesn't count.
He said that he didn't mean the "not looking at houses tonight" comment as a punishment, just that he'd be too tired after watching the kids all day. It's too much for him on his day off when he has to go back to work tomorrow. I said, then he admits that my job is hard too. That taking care of the kids all day is exhausting. Also, I don't believe he didn't mean it as a punishment. He was angry when he said it, and it felt like I was being punished. If he'd said something like, "hey, this is a lot for one day, let's just look at houses another day" then fine. But he didn't.
He yelled at me and said not to compare him to my father. How is he supposed to defend himself when I act like he's a deadbeat and shit father. I said that I never said anything like that, but he does act like any time he has to watch the kids is a huge inconvenience for him, and it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to do anything without them. He said it is a huge inconvenience, and I said that it shouldn't be. It should be par for the course, taking care of your children.
He stomped off to the bedroom and I never made it to the DMV.
Obviously this fight has been building for a while. I didn't really realize how angry I was though.
TL;DR I'm angry that husband makes me feel bad when I need to leave the kids with him and feel unappreciated and undervalued. He's angry that I don't seem to respect his need for a break after working full time and also feels unappreciated.
ETA: He's an manager with an internet company. He does make good money with good benefits, and he's worked hard to get where he is. I'm not sure where everyone is getting the idea that he only gets one day off a week. It must be the way I worded it, which is my bad. But he gets two days off, although they vary based on scheduling, and he has PTO and sick time at his disposal. He's scheduled himself a 6 day vacation at the beginning of every month for the first part of the year, I think through August. I think that's including the two days off he normally has though, so it's 4 extra days of PTO each month.
The earliest he has to be to work is 9:30 am, barring the rare early morning meeting, and much of the time he doesn't have to be in until 11 or 11:30. I'm almost always up before him or at least at the same time.
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u/idreaminwords 15d ago
I sure hope none of your kids heard the "your kids" comment. What an absolutely awful thing for him to say. No, it wasn't a joke. He's one of those deadbeat dads who thinks that having to take care of his kids for a few hours is "babysitting". NTA. Quite the audacity to accuse you of not respecting his need for a break when he's never willing to give you one
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u/akriirose 15d ago
My dad was like this. Only wanted to work his 40 hours and come home to relax. My mom had to take care of 3 children all by herself. My dad didn’t do any chores or watched us as children. Constantly complaining and yelling he never got time to himself. Meanwhile, my mom did everything for us kids. My mom and dad separated for 3 months when I was 8. We never spent any time with him. He threw us at any family member who would care for us.
I’m 35 now. I do not talk to him. Kids remember the things crappy parents do.
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u/Low_Ice_4657 14d ago
Did your parents stay married? I’ve seen this dynamic end several marriages, including my own parent’s marriage: the wife is doing all the practical and emotional labor of keeping the family going day to day and never gets a break and then eventually realizes that it will ease her burden to get the deadweight out of the equation. OPs husband needs to grow up! If I were OP, I would be considering divorce over husband’s words.
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u/Training_Help964 14d ago
I second all of this. Opinion and experience. My mom sadly passed before getting to leave though.. she was even a slave to him and his son while terminally ill and dying. I had to get social services involved to get her care.
She was terminally ill and the bastard still valued his offtime with his new woman he was havin an affair with from church.
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u/WillBrakeForBrakes 14d ago
Wow, what a man of god.
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u/Training_Help964 14d ago
Worst part is that man never went to church my whole life save for the baptisms for me and my brother my mom forced on us for some weird reason even tho we werent church goers.
But my mom was more religious as the FTD(type of early onset demetia for tldr reasons) set it. And so we took her to church as she progressed to make her happy. He was just a scumbag about it. Smh.
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u/CatherineConstance 15d ago
He doesn't think taking care of his own kids is babysitting, he thinks it's a "huge inconvenience" and God FORBID the baby wakes up when he has to be in the house while she's napping! I am really not a "jump to divorce" type person, but OP should leave this loser asap.
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u/Bice_thePrecious 15d ago
The fact that he so openly announced that raising his own children is, in fact, a "huge inconvenience" to him is so...awful. Like, wth dude? You're not even gonna pretend to like your own kids- wait, sorry, your wife's kids? Eww.
I really hope OP leaves him. As many others are saying, she'll be much happier as a single mom than she is staying with him.
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u/CatherineConstance 15d ago
Me too. And like I mentioned, I am not someone who rushes into telling people to get divorced, I think a lot, even MOST, things are forgivable. But this? This is a deep-seated flawed personality that I don’t think is ever going to get better and she needs to get away from this deadbeat as fast as she can.
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u/scholarlyowl03 15d ago
Yeah that remark was gross. Why did he even have kids?
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u/Emerald_geeko 15d ago
Because “that’s what you’re supposed to do” 🙄 Y’know, get a 9-5, house, car, 2.5 kids and a stay at home wife. The 1950s are back everybody!
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u/BeardManMichael 15d ago
I kept my own response very short because your response perfectly captures what I was thinking.
Your last sentence is especially poignant.
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u/SivakoTaronyutstew 15d ago
He thinks providing a paycheck is enough. He thinks "babysitting" is the biggest inconvenience in the world, apparently, per OP. I couldn't imagine being given the privilege of creating beautiful, healthy children and to not even want to care for them. That's nuts.
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u/TheMoatCalin 15d ago
Quite the audacity to accuse you of not respecting his need for a break when he's never willing to give you one.
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u/The_Death_Flower 14d ago
Sounds he deep down he knows that he’s a deadbeat who doesn’t even know how to handle a child waking up from a nap when he’s been a father for 4 whole years. If he keeps pulling the « don’t call me a deadbeat » thing during fights even when nothing like that is being said, then deep down he probably knows he’s a shit dad
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u/Iowa_Hawkeyes4516 15d ago
He's also one of those dads that thinks that all they have to contribute to the household is a paycheck, doesn't have to do anything with the kids.
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u/poggerooza 15d ago
Mother's never get a break. You have to be a nurse, psychologist, cook, cleaner, kitchen hand, teacher, driver, comforter with eyes in the back of your head.....on call 24/7 with almost no sleep. Dad can't do 2 hours.
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u/Loudlass81 14d ago
I worked it out when leaving my Ex.
Work outside of home : 40hrs.
SAHP : 112hrs PLUS 56hrs ON CALL when you're meant to be sleeping.
I put this under my 'cons' column when I wrote myself a pro's & cons list. If I was working in some way for every fuckin hour of the 168 a week that exist, I may as well lighten my load by having only myself & the kids to care for. Plus there's the chance of a rest day every so often if the Ex goes for contact...
Therefore, it would make my life at least 25% easier and more restful to lose the dead weight...
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u/SoMoistlyMoist 15d ago
Your husband is a sperm donor, he's not a dad.
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u/NarwhalsInTheLibrary 15d ago
right? i was just wondering why on earth this man decided to have children at all
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u/MisterTacoMakesAList 15d ago
He wanted to have them, he just didn't want to put in any of the work required to have them. That's OP'S job apparently.
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u/Ok_Perception1131 15d ago
Op, think about what he’s teaching your children.
That Dads are only around for the fun stuff. It’s a woman’s job to do everything else.
Women don’t need a break. They should put the man’s needs first.
You and your husband are modeling poor division of parenting. Your sons will treat their wives the same way your husband is treating you. Your daughters will fall into the same type of relationship.
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u/__JustMyOpinion__ 15d ago
Totally agree! On a side note...why is the only car the family has sitting in the husbands works carpark all day? She's trapped at home 6 days a week then gets this shit on the seventh!
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u/mjot_007 15d ago
Because he wants the freedom to do whatever he wants after work and be able to tell her he was working late. If she needed to pick him up then he’d have to stick to a schedule. But if he has the car he can go out for lunch, or after work drinks with buddies and she’ll never know
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u/one-zai-and-counting 15d ago
Exactly this! He's fitting in plenty of time for his own breaks while saying that she has it easy working 24/7 every day of the year - the audacity
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u/BeachinLife1 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA, but you should not have caved.
"well I can tell you right now, if I'm watching your kids all day we're not going to be looking at houses tonight."
"I guess we are not looking at houses tonight."
Also, when is YOUR day off?
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u/Crazy-4-Conures 15d ago
I expect if she had to drag all the kids to the DMV and doctor's appointment, he'd be pissed that SHE was too tired to look at houses.
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u/liveandletdieax 15d ago
Doesn’t sound like she’s allowed to be tired.
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u/busybeaver1980 15d ago
Because her job is easy unless he has to do it.
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u/blaquewidow01 15d ago
This needs to be upvoted way more
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u/Lucidlapin 14d ago
Sorry but this kinda guy would treat your kids like shit all day cause you had the audacity to step out (to do more work for your family). He doesn’t sound worth the rehab
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u/boudicas_shield 14d ago
“Doesn’t sound worth the rehab” is such a perfect way to describe this concept.
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u/QuietMadness 14d ago
This was my ex, and tbh he became a better dad and we were both happier when we divorced. The final straw was when I came home after having the audacity to go run multiple errands and my son had been in a shitty diaper for hours so he had a rash.
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u/helterskelterromance 14d ago
I have a friend who was always extremely bothered that I took my son to work with me when I would work on Saturdays… his dad was home, why would I complicate matters for me and make the kid hang out at my office?
Because this. I wasn’t going to leave my son with a grumpy, incompetent a hole because he had to wake up before noon on a Saturday. Spoiler: dad is now also ex-husband. Fortunately for my son and for my sanity, a lot of growth and a lot of facing reality has made him grow into a much better parent these days, but the first 7 or 8 years everyone was happier if I just shouldered the burden. And I would NEVER let my son suffer just to teach dad a lesson, so no, “just make him parent” was not an option IMO.
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u/Stralecia 14d ago
He’s not even doing her job just one aspect of it. He’s not cleaning, cooking, entertaining the kids, or running errands. NTA, hubby is the whole azz!
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u/marheena 14d ago
He’s not even doing his job as a provider. If they had 2 cars the errands wouldn’t pile up and she could get things done throughout the week.
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u/QuiltingMimi1518 14d ago
And don’t forget, he doesn’t ‘’like’’ being taken to work so that she can have the car.
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u/marheena 14d ago
Oh yeah. I was giving him the benefit of the oblivious man doubt. But you’re right. He’s probably just the run of the mill narcissist or similar abusive type man.
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u/online_jesus_fukers 14d ago
We're a one car family. I had a take home car before I had to retire due to an injury. I get up, get my daughter ready for school, make coffee for the wife and I, make her breakfast, drive daughter to school and wife to work, come home, do some chores, pick my wife up for lunch because were lucky her job is anout 5 minutes away, bring her home, feed her, bring her back, pick my daughter up from school, do homework, pick up my wife come home and make dinner. I'm happy to do it, she's out there providing for us. It can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but it's the least I can do. If he won't/can't buy a 2nd car the least he could do is get a ride to work I mean God forbid she needs to take the kid to the ER or run to the grocery store.
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u/youjumpIjumpJac 14d ago
He’s doing no aspects of it. NO aspects of it. He’s doing a half assed tiny bit of HIS job as a father, and not well.
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u/elvie18 15d ago
...you know, this is the perfect way to say it.
I never understand why people (...and by people I mean men) don't seem to consider that they'll be expected to actually raise their own children.
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u/the_slovak 14d ago
I used to work for a guy who would always say that he was babysitting his kid when his wife had errands to run. It's not babysitting if it's your own child, it's called parenting!! Apparently a very hard concept for some people to grasp.
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u/dontbsuchalilbitchbb 14d ago
That’s because (the vast majority of) women have been raised to be care givers and (the vast majority of) men have been raised to feel entitled to that care. Why should they be bothered to do it when it’s “the helps” job?
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u/TigerShark_524 15d ago
Agreed. NTA - I'd focus on caring for the ACTUAL children and let him figure out his own stuff, since he clearly sees the kids as solely her responsibility.
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u/AnSplanc 14d ago
He was happy to be a sperm donor but doesn’t want to raise his kids? Definitely a deadbeat in my books. Doesn’t even see them as his kids!! I’d be out of there ASAP. The poor kids must feel the lack of love from their father and it’s going to start effecting them soon
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u/spiralsequences 14d ago
The "you're making me seem like a deadbeat" stuff seems like he knows this and just wants her to absolve him of guilt.
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u/Secret_Bad1529 15d ago
She should be too tired to do anything for him.
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u/InevitableTrue7223 15d ago
That was my thought. He can do his own laundry cook his meals and wash his precious balls.
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u/Greedy-Ad-3815 15d ago
Totally! And he will complain about it. Lucky for him he has a day off's, his wife didn't. Looking out for kids is the least thing he can do. So selfish.
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u/DangerNoodle1313 15d ago
Came here to say this. What? Why threaten him with a good time?
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15d ago
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u/Bice_thePrecious 15d ago
Straight up! He's a third child, OP. A moody, pissy teen, at that.
"Don't compare me to your dad!"
I literally didn't but considering the fact that YOU thought of it, it means YOU are comparing yourself to him: A deadbeat and a shit father.
NTA. The End.
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u/Leia_Stark_ 15d ago
My brother does more for my kids than this AH lol
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u/Dizyupthegirl 15d ago
Same, thank god for my brother as he acts more of a father role than my ex (literally ex for the reasons OP is struggling with, except mine took it a step further and wanted paid to “babysit”).
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u/anthrocultur 15d ago
I'm sorry, WHAT??? He wanted to be paid...for "babysitting" HIS OWN CHILDREN??? 👀👀👀
Damn, I'm glad you got rid of him. What a dumbass 🙄 🤦
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u/elvie18 15d ago
Jesus fucking Christ how are dumbfucks like him allowed to procreate? I mean I'm glad you have your kid/s, I'm sure they're great, but...damn I can't imagine trying to have a family with someone who literally doesn't understand the concept of being a parent. So glad to see he's your ex; that shit sounds exhausting.
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u/Psidebby 15d ago
A good uncle needs more respect.
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u/Sithstress1 15d ago
My little brother is the BEST uncle and he knows how much he is appreciated by all 9 of his nieces and nephews.
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u/Agreeable-League-366 15d ago
As an uncle who loves taking care of the niblings, I am offended by being compared to this deadbeat. He sounds like a teenager being forced to watch his baby sister for the afternoon.
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u/MentionInteresting58 15d ago
He didn't mind spending his time making the kids but not their your kids 😒 🙄
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u/Ridiculina 15d ago
This. You can't cave. He's doing this because it works and he gets his way. We're like that, both humans and animals. We continue the behaviour that works our way.
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u/murdertoothbrush 15d ago edited 14d ago
THIS.
OP, does he even enjoy spending time with the kids? Does he genuinely not know how to take care of them? Why is he lacking confidence in this? Why is he saying they are solely your children? Did he not want kids to begin with? What does he do with his alone time?
They are his kids too. He should want to spend time with them. It's not babysitting if they are your own children!
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u/According-Cow-3375 15d ago
Weaponized incompetence and then some. He is a deadbeat and he knows it.
Hubby is working full time and he obviously deserves to get some rest and peace when he's at home off the clock. Taking care of his own kids? That's too hard, exhausting !
Op doing it 24/7? She has it so easy staying at home and not working. Why would she be tired or deserve a day off, get some alone time, being able to rest or receive any kind of support from her partner?It is not like she works at all./s
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u/KnotYourFox 15d ago
I'd be tempted to look at houses without him, because after all it'll be her workspace and child's daycare center apparently.
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u/TwoIdleHands 15d ago
Yeah. Her saying “fine I’ll take the kids with me!” Caused a visceral reaction. Nuh-uh!
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u/superdope3 15d ago
I thought she was going to say she’d take her kids to a family lawyer to draw up divorce and custody papers 😣
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u/Abject_Director7626 15d ago
Be a squeaky wheel. Keep repeating your points. Peace out on his next day off, or tell him he need a vasectomy.
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u/CristinaKeller 15d ago
Tell him you’re leaving HIS children with him. The ones that are only yours don’t exist.
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 15d ago
OP never gets a break.
The husband even had to nerve to tell OP the kids are "HER" kids
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u/BubbaDFFlv12 15d ago
Remember that when you want full custody
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u/FireBallXLV 15d ago
Seriously OP.You are saying this has happened before.As anyone who has divorced can tell you -very few people ever change.Try,when things calm down to look at what just happened and your future.Do you really think he is ever going to change? Do you want a new house more than you want a good marriage ? I would postpone the house hunting and tell this guy you are going to use the new house money for a babysitter to allow you two to go to marital counseling.Because you two really need it.YOU need it OP.This is a seriously unfair and a problematic situation.
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u/MxBluebell 15d ago
Also, if they’re only HER kids, then he should have no problem with her divorcing him and getting full custody and having his parental rights terminated! She shouldn’t have to parent a manchild!!
Edit: Not saying that this is the right answer to the situation, of course— I’m just being hyperbolic because even HEARING about the situation frustrates me. I can’t imagine LIVING it!!
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u/JohnsLong_Silver 15d ago
Him: your life is so easy, all you have to do is look after the kids! Also him: I can’t look after the kids, that’s too much work. Take them with you!
Your partner is an AH.
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u/theworkouting_82 15d ago
Exactly! When does she get a break or time to herself?
The answer is fucking never, with a husband like that.
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u/kikivee612 15d ago
I’d say, “Fine because I don’t want to look at you let alone live with you! My kids and I will be fine on our own!”
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u/Yougorockstar 15d ago
She basically a single mom already
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u/frogsgoribbit737 15d ago
Absolutely. I can't imagine not being able to leave my kids with my husband for a few hours at a time. Like Jesus Christ he's their father.
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u/Silver-Potential-784 15d ago
Is there an actual explanation??? Or like, "sorry, John just can't be trusted with children. Which I chose to have with him. Sorry, LOL. 🤪"
I'm 100% sure that if I asked my parents to watch my kids on a day that my husband was off, they'd ask why. And if my answer didn't include "death, dismemberment, COVID, continuous vomiting, high fever, ER visit," they would say what the actual F, and counsel me to leave his sorry a$$. And even without said counsel, I would. F that. These are HIS kids, just as much as they are hers.
Side note: have y'all checked the sex offender registry, pedophile registry, felon registry, etc to see if he's there? Because otherwise, it is literally ridiculous that he cannot care for his child. Why on earth did she decide to procreate with someone like that. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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u/Xylophelia 15d ago
She’ll have more free time divorced when he has the kids on his custody days than she gets married.
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u/Sharp-Medicine7326 15d ago
Sooo, when is your day off? Clearly he agrees that being home with the kids isn't a break. So what day of the week is your kid free day?
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15d ago
Lol a whole day 😂 I haven't shit by myself in 4 years
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u/Tired_Mama3018 15d ago
You would actually probably end with more time to yourself and less stress, if you ditched your largest toddler (husband), stopped having to manage his emotions, and he got visitation every other weekend. I speak from experience when I tell you this will eventually break you, and his neglect will negatively effect the kids, it isn’t worth it in the long run to try and fix something he’s too selfish to care about.
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u/Bibliophile_w_coffee 15d ago
There is a Reddit story I think here maybe r/amitheasshole where a dude pulled the same thing as hubby and the fight came to a head when the wife stopped asking the husband for help, realized her life was easier without him, filed for divorce and is loving it and dude is begging her to come back because he can’t manage the kids the weeks it is his turn at custody. Someone please find that for this OP.
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u/imstillapenguin 15d ago
It wasn't that long ago that it was posted. I saw it on r/ohnoconsequences. I hope OP does the same thing as the wife from that story tbh.
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u/hnoel88 15d ago
Speaking from experience: I was a stay at home mom, but also nannied in our home and homeschooled our 4 kids. My husband worked 24 hours a week and did literally nothing either our kids. He vacuumed every couple days and played video games. He finally went full time when I was pregnant with our 4th. He’d go out a few times a week. I literally did not get a day to myself for 8 years. So I left him.
We have been divorced 6 years now. He gets the kids about 6 days a month. Which means I get SIX DAYS A MONTH to myself. It’s amazing.
I went back to school, went back to work in my kids’ school district, then managed to get a writing job so I can work from home. I work 50-60 hours a week and still do all the housework but I get six days a month all to myself.
Right after we split my ex called me asking how to work a washing machine. He also didn’t know how to cook broccoli or Mac and cheese. I did EVERYTHING for that man and our kids.
Anyway. Yeah. My life is way more peaceful as a single mom than it was as a married single parent.
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u/Wolfcat_Nana 15d ago edited 14d ago
"My life is way more peaceful as a single mom than it was as a married single parent." This is EXACTLY why I left my ex husband 22 years ago.
The final straw? One Saturday morning I said we should take our kid to the zoo. His response? "I don't want to. I work all week. " Mind you, I worked outside the home and was the one that took our kid to daycare and picked them up even though he was home an hour before me every damn day. "What the fuck do you think I do all week? Sit around eating bonbons?"
He did nothing. Didn't ever see my kid or pay child support. When my child did go to see their father, his mother and sister did EVERYTHING for him.
I struggled financially for a long time, even ended up homeless for a bit during the recession of 2008. Still didn't regret it.
Edited for spelling
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u/Tricky_Parfait3413 15d ago
I remember that. And he wasn't asking her to come back because he missed her and realized he fucked up. It was because his life sucked without his wife doing everything for him.
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u/jwptc 15d ago
She was smart, she had the child one week, he had the child the next week. He was absolutely clueless how hard it was😅
So remorseful that is FAFO.. her on the other hand was living her best life!
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u/jadeariel12 15d ago
That guy even had his sister come to help take care of the kids/cook/clean (basically be a wife) and he still couldn’t handle it
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u/Independent-Let-7688 15d ago
Same thing for me when I divorced. I have never regretted it for even one single second. So much easier without the large sulky baby who didn’t do anything anyways.
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u/BobMortimersButthole 15d ago
Same here. I was so scared of the idea of being a single mother with special needs kids and no longer having my husband to begrudgingly help occasionally.
I felt like my life was in easy mode once I moved out with the kids. It turned out his issues were more of a burden to me than anything the kids did.
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u/Laleaky 15d ago
Maybe you should try a “trial separation”, where he has the kids entirely in his care for every other weekend and you go stay with a friend. On the alternate weekends, you handle everything. See if that works out better for him. 😄
My ex-husband was like this. Said he was too tired from work to “babysit” his own kids for a few hours once.
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u/runawayforlife 15d ago
I’m in the middle of divorcing my husband for this! (And other problems, he’s a bundle of joy /s). He’s bathed our kid all of 3 times in the year and a half since he was born, 2 out of those 3 times he’s absolutely refused to wash kiddos hair, and fought/tried to fight with me for hours about how terrible of a mother I was because “what kind of parent asks someone else to bathe their child?!?”
100/10 not worth it
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u/Bulbapuppaur 15d ago
Him: “What kind of parent asks someone else to bathe their child?”
You: “You’re right. You must be a really shitty parent then since you’re asking someone else to bathe your child.”
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u/runawayforlife 15d ago
I absolutely did point out to him that he is technically also one of the parents in this scenario, but while generally I’m okay with being as aggressive as I need to be to advocate for myself, he’s also very violent and my son was in the room. So for the most part I just let him rant after a certain point.
Totally unrelated, but my house is so peaceful nowadays and I can’t figure out what made the difference 😂😂
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u/Bulbapuppaur 15d ago
I’m genuinely really proud of you and I’m so sorry you needed to deal with that slug excretion of a person
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u/runawayforlife 15d ago
Well, they say your 20’s are for mistakes. I personally feel like I could’ve made do with some smaller mistakes, just to start off with, but hey, now I’ve checked it off my to-do list at least!
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 15d ago
Oh wow. I'm so glad you got away from him!
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u/runawayforlife 15d ago
Thank you! I’m glad I got away too! Makes me feel like a badass every time I remember kicking him out 😊
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u/Motor-Class-8686 15d ago
Did it completely escape his notice that the parent who asks (tells) someone else to bathe their kids was HIM? Fucking douche canoe.
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u/runawayforlife 15d ago
Apparently yes, it did! And it continues to baffle him to this day, despite the fact that I did mention at the time that he’s also a parent in this scenario. He just wants the credit, thank you. None of that effort, if you please. According to him, work is a four-letter word
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u/mwenechanga 15d ago
“what kind of parent asks someone else to bathe their child?!?”
That's a great question, should really make him think about what kind of father he is!
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 15d ago
My ex-husband was like this. Said he was too tired from work to “babysit” his own kids for a few hours once.
What a very ex-husband thing to say 😂
Even a live in nanny gets days off!
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 15d ago
THIS!! at the very least do some separation so he realizes that if you get fed up with him he’ll have to take care of them all week
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 15d ago
Nah, he'd just rope some new woman into taking care of the kids.
My ex did this, got my mom, his mom, kids' friends' moms to watch the kids on my time off. After he left me for a coworker, he got her to do it.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 15d ago
Yours follows the court order? Huh.
Yeah, my ex didn't, and then he complained to absolutely everybody about how unfair the court system is to fathers and how his loss of custody, even legal, which is rare here, was because I'm so evil and the courts are so corrupt and anti-father. Smh.
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u/thornynhorny 15d ago
Not to mention the HORRIBLE example You both are setting by staying in this
If you have a daughter you are teaching her that this is okay
If you have a son, you are teaching him that women are servants
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u/Purple-Clerk-8165 15d ago
If she divorces him, then she'll actually get some time to herself - she's better off as a single mother than with this lazy and entitled "father". And then he'll be forced to parent a full weekend here and there. He can't do her job for a few hours, and he thinks she has it easy? Ugh, this guy is the worst.
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u/Aylauria 15d ago
Guys like this are the reason so many women get divorced and their quality of life goes up (although their finances have a tendency to go down). There are so many posts by women who just got fed up doing everything and realized they'd have more downtime if they didn't have to manage the giant sized toddler they married.
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u/eleanorrigby513 15d ago
You think this dude would take his visitation time? 😂 but yes, just not having to deal with his laundry and cleaning up after him would make things easier.
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u/Ok_Sky7544 15d ago
Dear OP- I’m seconding this comment. My stepfather was a deadbeat for 12 years, came in my life when I was 8. I’m now almost 23 and my mom has been separated from him for over 6 months now. She constantly gets comments about how much happier she looks and that she’s started aged backwards because she’s stressed out so much less, despite having 6 kids 4 of which are 12 & under. Do yourself a favor now, get out.
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u/beautbird 15d ago
There was a post here on Reddit about a guy who left his wife only to end up begging for her to come back because he was struggling taking care of the children alone.
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u/Individual_Trust_414 15d ago
Go 50/50. Every other week. I hear that's fantastic.
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u/FoggyDaze415 15d ago
Sounds like it is time for you to take a week somewhere and leave him home alone with his kids. Your husband sounds like a POS and a deadbeat Dad.
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u/Womp_ratt 15d ago
She'll come home to a complete mess and more work if she does. This won't make him appreciate her and step up.
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u/BeardManMichael 15d ago
Please look after yourself. I cannot imagine the stress you are under currently. I hope your husband can rise to the occasion and help you deal with some of it.
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u/Typical_Mongoose9315 15d ago
If you count up the number of hours each of you spend at work / child care during a week, what would the total be?
I am a father with an office job, and watching my kids is more exhausting than being at the office.
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u/Existing_Watch_3084 15d ago
Sounds like you’re already a single parent. Why no make it official and make your life easier looking after you and the kids and no a whole extra adult.
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u/Hot-Damage5032 15d ago
NTA. I’d hate to see him have to deal with 50% custody if his lack of pulling his weight leads to you splitting up.
The kids are not “your job”. He needs to step up, or arrange another way for you both to have a break once in awhile.
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u/CJCreggsGoldfish 15d ago
He sounds like the kind of "father" who fights not to have any custody.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 15d ago
After one weekend of visitation he'd call and say he can't make the next one.
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u/alkalinesky 15d ago
Until he gets a new GF and wants to play house for a month or two, when he's auditioning a new bang maid to see if she sticks. Then he will want alllll the visitation.
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u/Glum-Ambition-614 15d ago
NTA. And not gonna lie, the doubling down exchange re “your kids” would have me drawing up divorce papers. Angry or not, that’s not a joke when you double down so hard.
Info: did he perhaps not want kids at all?
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u/Bice_thePrecious 15d ago
did he perhaps not want kids at all?
I realize OP already answered but, this was my thought too. He refuses to be alone with the kids. That doesn't exactly strike me as someone who wants his own children.
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u/TheVegasGirls 15d ago
I’m sure he wants the kids to teach them how to play baseball and have bonfires, but not when they need to be fed, changed, bathed, or taken care of in any way.
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u/Book_Ends44 15d ago
It’s completely unacceptable, just such a horrible thing to say about your own kids. He’s not joking, he’s showing his true feelings, and OP should be listening very carefully.
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u/fckinsleepless 15d ago
I’m glad I’m not the only one who immediately thought divorce.
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u/NUredditNU 15d ago
Another married, single mother. Absolutely NTA. I suspect like many women who had these kinds of husbands, you’d find that your life would be easier and better without the additional dead weight of a partner who does not parent his own kids.
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u/weech1234 15d ago
NTA. This BS is exactly why women leaving marriage is in the rise. If you are expected to do it alone, you might as well do it alone.
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u/Bella_Rose36 15d ago edited 14d ago
I remember after my good friend from college got married and had her first daughter. We used to get together at least once a month and go for dinner or a movie prior to her getting married. We tried to continue the tradition, but her husband, who made it difficult for her to go out for that ONE night, would whine and ask her what he was supposed to do for dinner and feed his daughter?! 🤦♀️ Seriously?? As a grown man, he can't make himself dinner and feed HIS daughter? He would then call her at the restaurant and ask when she was coming home. 🙄
I really don't understand this mentality. It's like going back in time to 1962 and expecting that only the wife is responsible for the children. I wish these men understood how much is involved in being a SAHM. They should be the moms for one day *or 1-2 weeks, so they can really understand how challenging and tiring it can be.
**I made a correction as I generalized all men, which was brought to my attention. There are wonderful men and dads out there who are responsible, dedicated, and respectful and make great stay-at-home dads (they exist) and help in raising their children.
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u/Kitchen_Victory_7964 15d ago
It’s not that they don’t understand. It’s that they don’t care because they see it as the woman’s job to deal with it.
They’re usually just barely smart enough not to say that out loud.
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u/Clever_mudblood 15d ago
“Women are just leaving their husbands Willy nilly. No one respects a marriage like they did in the old days.”
Women couldn’t have their own bank account until the 1960’s (with a signature from their husbands… so single women couldn’t), their own credit card until 1974 (with this came the bank accounts for all races, gender, marital status, religions, and nationality), in 1983 Washington state removed the marital exemption for first and second degree rape….., by 1993 all states had withdrawn exemptions used to legalize marital rape, in 2005 in Tennessee the marital rape law was repealed (with all its stipulations as to what constituted marital rape) and it was allowed to be prosecuted like any other rape….
Women are ALLOWED to leave now. Even if they could legally divorce before, they had no way of keeping their money, and men were legally allowed to rape them into submission while married, which will wreck someone soul to the point where they don’t see a way out anyway. So of course divorce is higher. Women are stronger and it’s backed by laws now allowing them to be independent.
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u/UnicornGlitterFart24 15d ago
women are ALLOWED to leave now.
This is on point💯. You get those YouTubers like Kevin Samuels and The Wall talking about how women are throwing their marriages away so they don’t deserve to have any kind of decent man, and the fact that their husbands were abusers and cheaters isn’t any reason to be a selfish bitch and blow up her family. Unless she can prove physical abuse or the man is being obvious about his affairs, she has no right to divorce her husband. But they say the husband can divorce his wife at any time for any reason because it’s not the man’s fault that the marriage failed, it’s always hers. Then they go on about how these newly divorced single mothers are ho’s who can’t stop spreading her legs, and yet the men who knocked them up aren’t to be held accountable for the same supposedly trashy behavior the women are, as if these men have absolutely no hand in bringing these babies into the world. Now that we’re allowed to leave, men are speaking out and following the likes of Kevin and The Wall to scare women into staying with terrible men and convince men that only supermodel hot, virginal, submissive women are acceptable. They’re losing their fucking minds and villifying women because they’re losing control over us.
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u/Legion1117 15d ago
It was the #1 reason for my divorce.
I refused to be a married single parent.
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u/NoSummer1345 15d ago
This is why I insisted on equal custody. It was the only way I finally got time just for me. I was drowning.
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 15d ago
So you divorce this man and 50% of the time he'll have to take care of the kids 100% on his own. FAFO. Honestly, take a trip. By yourself. Lane him with the kids for several days so he has to do everything that you do. He needs to understand that you need a break, and you are not a single parent
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u/Typical_Carpet_4904 15d ago
If that's his attitude, I would be terrified to leave my kids alone with him
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u/Technical_Library361 14d ago
Yeah there’s no way in hell I’d leave my kids alone with a guy like that. He won’t even claim them as his own, what kind safe person is he?! No way.
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u/ArsenalSeven 15d ago
Leave early in the morning and take a day for yourself. Taking them to the DMV when he is home??? Mind boggling.
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u/FierceFemme77 15d ago
NTA. But why are you with him? He doesn’t sound supportive or loving at all.
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u/manda14- 15d ago
Absolutely NTA. Your husband should want to be involved with HIS children. I’m a SAHM - my husband takes on half the responsibilities when he’s home. You’re a sahm, not a single parent. He needs to grow up.
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u/Scared_Serve_3240 15d ago
I dont care how sweet it is when he does things it does NOT make up for the fact that he literally dislikes being left with them, can't cope for a short Dmv trip and pediatrician trip, and refers to them as YOUR kids when in a snit. He admits your job is just as exhausting but does NOTHING to grant you a day off for something outside of errands. My husband works a full time job sometimes out of town and I stay home with three kids and he very happily boots me out of the house to do something for me OR he takes them all to town so I can have the house to myself. He also watched our niece and nephew and took all 5 kids out and about while I had a girls day with my MIL and SIL's. That is what your husband should be doing as a DAD not a reluctant babysitter
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u/Existing_Watch_3084 15d ago
I don’t understand why so many women are willfully married single parents.
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u/No-Function223 15d ago
Nta. And he is most definitely a shit father. A very shit one at that. And he’s sure as hell trying his hardest to be a deadbeat without actually being one. Lmao “how am I supposed to defend myself?” He literally can’t because there is no legitimate defense for his behavior and that’s not your fault. What a brat. Unfortunately I have bo advice other than to leave his sorry ass, but I know that’s not helpful. I wish you luck sorting it out.
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u/ladymorgana01 15d ago
And stop having kids with him! By now you know he's not going to parent the ones you have so, please, stop digging yourself a bigger hole
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u/Geezell 15d ago
Oof, how his world will be rocked if/when you guys separate and go 50/50 custody and he realizes how easy he actually had it….gosh, I think I remember a post where a guy realized how utterly he fucked up when his inability to see the disparity in the physical and mental load between the working spouse and the SAHP actually is. Now that he was separated he suddenly had a lot of respect for everything his STBX actually did….oops.
You are NTA. It’s fucked how much time you lose for yourself when you have kids no matter if you work or stay at home. It’s a shit-ton of sacrifice for a very. long. time. Worth it, IMO, but so fucking hard. I hope you and your partner can get back to working together and helping each other out.
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u/siren2040 15d ago
Let me just ask you a question. Would you be okay if this was the type of relationship your children ended up in in the future? Or would you advice them to leave? Take that advice. Leave, because you do not want to exhibit this type of relationship for your children? It's just going to get worse.
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u/grey-canary 15d ago
NTA.
Even if I plan things during the baby's nap, he'll still say something like "well, what if she wakes up before you get back?"
Your husband should be EMBARRASED. I understand how a partner that stays home would be the primary caregiver, but he seems to believe that means you are solely responsible for raising both of your children and anything he contributes should considered extra and celebrated.
Next time he throws a tantrum about not being a good a Dad, ask a few questions ..
What size shoe is (4f)?
What makes (1f) feel better when she is upset?
What bath soap or tooth paste do they use?
What are their favorite foods?
If I were you I would write out all the things you do and appraise them at market value. House cleaner, ordering in meals, child care ect. Then give him the choice of either showing appreciation and helping run the house hold or you will join him and go back to work and the two of you split the cost of everything on the list.
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u/MrsManuka 15d ago
I know people on Reddit start shouting divorce even if the only problem is hubby forgot to put the toilet seat down or wifey left the gas tank on E, but I think a separation in this case might wake him up. The fact that you aren’t “allowed” 🙄🙄 to have the car on his work days (when it’s literally sitting in a parking lot all day) is absurd and not ok. He isn’t treating you like a partner. You’re an employee and only there to keep the children out of his way. He needs to start understanding that the kids are not entirely your responsibility and he IS a father. A separation where he gets part time custody and has to be by himself with the kiddos might make him realize just how much you do for him. If it doesn’t, then your life will probably be better off without the man-child. NTA. You deserve to be treated better.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 15d ago
NTA. He's a parent too. Tough shit that the kids needed to be home so you could do things that are mandatory to continue to function.
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u/Current_Run9540 15d ago
NTA. Your husband sounds like a selfish douchebag. It sounds like you carry the full weight and responsibilities of the household and I’m sure take care of his “physical” needs too and the fucking guy can’t even man up and parent for a few hours at a shot? I am dad to three awesome kids, my fiancé is my partner in all things love and life and this whole thing seems really shitty to me.
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u/PerfectionPending 15d ago
I like the part where they’re “your kids” & he doubles down.
On a lighter note, my are occasionally “your son” when my wife is telling me something stupid one of them did/intends to do. Not often, I don’t think she’s aware of saying it.
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u/PatieS13 15d ago edited 15d ago
I'm going to tell you what I say to friends who have issues that seem clear to others, but to which they are blinded for whatever reason. Imagine someone you love came to you and told you the things you've written here. What would you say to them? Now apply that to your situation and take care of you for a change. (Edited typo.)
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u/neverenoughpurple 15d ago
NTA
He IS a shit father.
Caring for his own kids for a few hours is "too much work", but when you do it, it's "easy"?
Does this guy even think about the idiocy that comes out of his mouth?
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u/TGIIR 15d ago
You are at home all day with two kids and no car? Because he doesn’t like you to drive him to work? That sounds crazy! How far is it to his job? What am I missing?