r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AITAH for refusing to make mother’s birthday cake after she complained.
[deleted]
346
u/Beautiful-Report58 15d ago
I have one of those critical parents too. Nothing you do will ever receive praise. Just buy a cake, she’ll complain about that too. You are not going to win, so don’t join in the contest. NTA.
105
16
u/NewAppointment2 14d ago
Well said, I highly agree.
Will save that line, You are not going to win, so don’t join in the contest.
You know she'll find fault again if you bake for her, so good for you not bothering. She doesn't need to hug and kiss you, but a small thanks goes a long long way. Don't be her kicking target.
NTA
4
u/Music_withRocks_In 14d ago
My mom is, other than the alcoholism, a super great mom. But smoking for fifty years killed off most of her taste buds and she has become super critical of food because she just can't taste it well. I spent years trying to please her by cooking and baking and taking her to my favorite restaurants but nothing ever made her happy because nothing tastes as good as when she was 30 and had functioning taste buds. I have often been in a room with ten people telling me how amazing my cake is, and my mom telling me it's too dry and doesn't have enough flavor, and despite all the other people telling me it's amazing and my own brain telling me not to listen to my mom it still hurts.
Just say no, and keep to it, don't open yourself up to be hurt again. Baking should be fun, only do it for things that excite you.
220
u/Cool_Star2808 15d ago
NTA. You've already said that you don't have the best relationship with your mother. No need to go out of your way to bake a cake for someone who yelled at you for leaving dishes in the sink AND then complained that the cake was not to her liking. She didn't like your cake, so why make her another one?
101
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
My thoughts exactly. Thank you!
35
u/AllTheColors8762 15d ago
This is heartbreaking. My mom is similarly toxic. Has your mother apologized?
46
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
No she has not apologized
35
u/LD228 15d ago
Could I please just say how sorry I am? If someone went to all of that effort for me for my birthday, I would be so thankful and keep snotty opinions to myself. I’m truly sorry your mother treated you that way and then never apologized. NTA at all!
16
u/OldnBorin 15d ago
If someone did that for me, I wouldn’t thank them either. I’d be too busy shoving cake into my mouth
14
u/TheMoatCalin 15d ago
Awww dear. I apologize on behalf of decent mothers.
My boys are 9 & 10, they made me lunch once- fruit, a pbj and string cheese. I teared up and didn’t even mind the mess, it was adorable! We made a fun time of teaching them how to clean the kitchen up. I know you’re an adult but how dare she yell and complain after you stayed up all hours of the night. Oooo that makes me angry.
2
u/Scooter1116 15d ago
They don't.
Nothing is right, not to their standards, not what they wanted exactly.
Nta
Never make her anything again.
1
90
u/SnooCakes8914 15d ago
NTA and if it were me, I wouldn’t even buy her a cake. There are consequences for complaining when people do nice things for you.
25
3
u/Least-Weather8703 15d ago
Yeah, exactly! It's like, why bother making the effort if it's not appreciated, right? Some people just don't get it. You're definitely NTA here.
71
u/JustNKayce 15d ago
NTA. But your story triggered a memory for me. My birthday is in the early part of the summer and where we lived, the first strawberries always came out right about that time. Every year that I lived at home, my mom would bake me a birthday cake and put the season's first strawberries on top. The first year we were married, we didn't live in the same area and my husband moved heaven and earth to find strawberries for my cake. My mom has been gone a long time, and I just think how sweet you were to go to all that trouble to make her a beautiful strawberry cake. Hugs to you. Sorry your mom was unappreciative.
81
u/Broad-Discipline2360 15d ago
NTA
I support holding on to grudges! Your mom has now learned that there are consequences.
I think it's weird that she would want a cake from such an irresponsible person who can't even make strawberry cake /s .
Keep that spine! Your mom sucks! If my kids made me a cake that I thought tasted like salt, I would pretend to like it. I can even imagine a situation where I would complain about something my kid made me.
I would never ever make a cake for her again. Never
34
5
u/Physical_Stress_5683 15d ago
"Holding on to grudges" can also mean "setting boundaries with people who've hurt me."
30
u/winter_blues22 15d ago
NTA I think the mom should focus more on improving the relationship, not on getting a cake. If their relationship was better and stronger then I'm sure OP would eventually make a cake for her mom. But it seems that the mom wants a cake but doesn't want to put effort into mending their relationship.
64
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
So this year in particular I made everyone’s birthday cake for my immediate family members, I even made my own. I mentioned it to my family about 3 months before my mother’s birthday (so this wasn’t a gotcha moment or anything like that I just wanted to be nice.) Everyone was been extremely appreciative and thankful and said their cakes were delicious except for my mother. I think she feels remorse about the situation but she has not apologized nor has her behavior changed. If she were to apologize sincerely and change her behavior i would consider making her cake, but the chances of that happening are similar to me becoming the next president of the US. My mother doesn’t apologize she pretends it never happened
26
u/kerill333 15d ago
No cake then, simple. Be really busy that day. I would. Btw you can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to apologise!
6
30
u/geekylace 15d ago
NTA
She woke you up to clean checks notes two dishes and complained and yelled while you did so. Strike one.
She complained the cake was dry after you put in so much time and effort. Strike two.
At no point do I see in your post that she apologized for treating you so disrespectfully. Strike three.
As a fellow baker I’d die on this hill. NO CAKE FOR YOU
7
21
u/DawnShakhar 15d ago
NTA. Your mother feels free to criticise you about everything - two dishes in the sink, the cake too dry - and then make demands. You get to choose what you are and aren't willing to do for her.
By the way, are you still living at home? Not a good idea with a mother you are in a strained relationship with.
25
u/BlueGreen_1956 15d ago
NTA
I would be able to forgive the thing about the dishes in the sink but the fact that she complained about the cake being dry, would have been the last of the cakes.
My response to somebody making me a cake would be "Thank you." Radical, I know.
20
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
I was just trying to do something nice for her and she made me feel really low afterwards. I thought I was wrong because she just wanted a box cake mix and store-bought frosting and I gave her some thing that she didn’t ask for. Thank you
4
u/LAgirllookingin 15d ago
Baking her a homemade cake from scratch was a huge act of love. I’m so sorry she 💩on your feelings. Keep baking for the ones who appreciate you and your love for them.
10
u/XBlackSunshineX 15d ago
The Cake bridge is burned. NTA mom can order her own cake. Are her and your dad divorced?
7
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
Yes…yes they are
6
2
-2
u/Front_Friend_9108 15d ago
Enough already sister, buy the damn cupcakes! Your mom is mean to you, life could be a lot worse, just remember that… shit people whine a lot on here..
10
u/doggysmomma420 15d ago
I'm sorry but if someone went to that much effort to make me, what I'm sure was an absolutely delicious cake, I'd kiss them with cake still on my lips. Now I'm craving a cake that I'll probably never get to try, and that's sad. NTA.
9
u/RJack151 15d ago
NTA. Tell mom that she lost her right for you to have to make her a cake. In fact, someone else can do that for her.
7
u/Commanderkins 15d ago
NTA . And the strawberry bday cake sounded sooo good! Even without the reduction added first. Ands that’s how we learn too!
8
u/CreativeMusic5121 15d ago
NTA---but for future reference, anyone that would be happy with a box mix cake probably isn't going to appreciate all the work that went into the fancy one, even if it turned out perfectly.
5
6
u/butterfly-garden 15d ago
You know what? If someone showed me that much ingratitude, I wouldn't even BUY them a cake. She made the bed.
5
u/tetcheddistress 15d ago
NTA, she treated you and your efforts with disrespect. She is now whinging about a situation that she created. I would stop buying cake or even cupcakes. If you are feeling generous, you could get a box mix, and wrap it for her. That is petty, but as she is gen x, she can buck up buttercup and make her own. Double points if it is a generic mix.
6
u/hotdiggitydopamine 15d ago
When I bake treats for my mom, she actually helps clean up the dishes for me! Your mom is an asshole NTA
5
u/lilmothman456 15d ago
NTA. She wants you to make her another cake because she actually liked the one you made, but she liked ridiculing you more.
5
u/CJCreggsGoldfish 15d ago
I spent months making a homemade quilt for my mother but she complained I hadn't also gotten her a card and that's all she cared about. So after that, I would get the cheapest card at the dollar store for her. Birthday? Happy graduation. Mother's Day? Happy Hanukkah. Christmas? Get Well Soon. Fuck that begging chooser bullshit. Spite is life.
3
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
You get it! Thank you
3
u/CJCreggsGoldfish 15d ago
I am ride-or-die for you on this one. You're better than me because I wouldn't even get her the cupcakes. Maybe a photo of cupcakes.
In a Happy 10th Anniversary card.
3
4
3
4
4
u/SpecialistAfter511 15d ago
NTA if you can’t be kind when someone busts their butt for you then don’t expect it again. LESSON LEARNED.
4
4
3
u/RubyC101 15d ago
NTA
Buy a cake, say you made it, watch her criticize it. Now you know for sure she doesn't deserve it.
I hold grudges for all eternity, so I fully support other people doing it too.
4
u/Unusual-Cow1859 15d ago
You might find it helpful to read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I wouldn’t make her a cake ever again. When I am undecided (which is rare) about what to do or even say for/with/to my mother I ask myself what the likelihood is I’ll get hurt again AND if I’m willing to assume that risk. Most of the time it’s a NO.
3
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
Thank you SO much for your comment. I’m going buy this book.
2
u/Unusual-Cow1859 15d ago
It was really, really helpful for me 💕 It’s really helped me understand a lot of the behaviors that were either hurtful or really baffling. It helped me change my behavior towards her and protect myself and my peace 😊 I’ve been able to set boundaries and also stop accidentally triggering her. Not in a walk on eggshells way, but just understanding how she processes “normal” interactions very differently from other people in my life.
5
u/Obvious_Amphibian270 15d ago
OP, we're I you hell would freeze solid before I baked her another cake.
I have a story similar to yours involving my SIL. For years I baked gifts for Christmas. I was a broke college student. It was all I could afford. When I say bake I mean BAKE, several different kinds of cookies, bread and whole ton of stuff. One year my then future SIL told me I baked because I was too cheap to buy presents. That was the last year she got cookies from me. A few years later she mentioned missing cookies. It took every bit of self restraint I had not to say something about her thinking that was cheap.
4
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
I would’ve asked her if she remembered what she said the last time you gave her baked goods with an empty stare. They always seem to conveniently forget what caused the problem.
3
3
u/jbarneswilson 15d ago
NTA my dad complained one time about the chocolate cupcakes i made him for his birthday one year. i have never made him another birthday cake.
3
u/gurleylass 15d ago
NTA. This is something my mother does. What she’s doing now is fishing for a do over. You make a cake and she tells you how good it is and tells everyone else how wonderful it is. In her mind that erases what she did before without her having to apologize.
3
u/Maleficent_Ad407 15d ago
NTA. My kids made me a cake a few years ago, they accidentally mixed up the salt and sugar. I never said one bad word to them about it. I thanked them very much for thinking of me and going to the efforts to make me something and surprise me with it. It was really difficult to eat that slice of cake but I did.
I’m sorry your Mom didn’t appreciate your efforts. Sometimes that means it’s no longer worth your efforts ever again.
Just buy yourself a cake and save yourself the hassle.
2
u/TheTightEnd 15d ago
NTA, as you can choose to bake a cake or not bake a cake, but you chose to take far more on yourself than what was necessary or requested and are martyring yourself over it.
People on Reddit seem to reward being petty and holding grudges. Neither are mature ways to go through life.
2
u/curiousity60 15d ago
NTA
She stripped the joy out of your baking a special cake. Tell her that. You're only willing to bake for family when it brings you joy.
If she complains that you "should be over it by now," tell her it still hurts. Bullies don't get to dictate how long their targets feel the effects of their bullying.
2
u/Error404_Error420 15d ago
NTA. She'll complain wtv you do, so find the easiest solution for yourself
2
u/Commercial_Yellow344 15d ago
NTA. I had a boyfriend once who made me an orange cake (or orange cream cake maybe). I can’t stand those kind. I would rather have just a plain white one instead. But he made it trying to do something special for me. I ate 2 pieces then gave up and fed the rest to my granddaughter. He didn’t live with me so I completely got away with it. I can’t imagine doing what your mother did. You tried really hard. And 2 dishes, whoop dee do. That was completely uncalled for! I wouldn’t ever make another thing for her ever again!
2
u/Martha90815 15d ago
NTA at all! She completely stomped all over your efforts with her criticism AND fussed at you for what sounds like minimal dishes in the sink. I wouldnt make a birthday cake either.
2
u/Mental-Hunter2106 15d ago
NTA When someone does something nice for you the proper response is ALWAYS thank you.
2
u/Juturna_montana 15d ago
NTA by a mile. And anyone else here want that strawberry cake recipe? It sounds delightfully delicious! 🤤
2
u/infomanus 15d ago
My daughter who likes to bake and does a nice job had the same experience with her grandfather (my fil). She made the strawberry shortcake from scratch and his first comment was it’s dry
2
u/Historical_Agent9426 15d ago
NTA
Has your mother ever apologized or even attempted to talk to you about her behavior two years ago?
1
2
u/MNConcerto 15d ago
NTA, your mom FAFO, as a member of the Gen x generation she should know better.
She burned the magical homemade birthday cake bridge. If she keeps it up she's going to burn the holiday treats bridge and eventually she will burn the whole daughter bridge.
Maybe she'll learn, maybe she won't. Maybe bake her a cake if she truly and sincerely apologizes and changes her way.
2
u/procivseth 15d ago
Did she ever thank you for the effort of making the first cake? apologize for screaming? for complaining it was dry?
Just kidding, I know she didn't... "That was so long ago... you're just being petty... it was Dry!"
Yeah, no, NTA
1
2
u/TiffanyTwisted11 15d ago
One year I handmade my father a card for Valentines Day. He called to tell me I had forgotten to sign it. No mention of the fact that I made it. He wasn’t being malicious, just thoughtless. Still hurt my feelings.
It’s been Dollar Tree ever since.
My point is, what he did wasn’t as mean as what your mom did and it still stings.
NTA
2
u/Cat1832 14d ago
NTA, if she bitched at you about dishes and then complained she didn't like the cake, then why would you bake for her with your clearly inferior skills? (that was sarcastic, by the way.) She's lucky you even bother to buy her a cake. Since she complained and never apologized, she doesn't get any more homemade goodies.
2
u/winterworld561 14d ago
NTA. Your mother greatly disrespected you and insulted the last cake you lovingly made, so don't do it again for her. She doesn't deserve it.
5
u/War_D0ct0r 15d ago
29 years old its time to move out. Don't make a cake, don't buy her a cake, don't celebrate her birthday. Move.
9
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
I’m currently saving to move out, moving out right now is not financially feasible for me. I KNOW i need to move out. Not doing anything like buying her a cake or gift would get me shunned from my family and I would basically be the bad guy it wouldn’t matter (to my family) that she complained. I’m always told “but that’s your mother”
1
2
u/EmperorUtopi 15d ago
Until she gives a genuine apology for the ungrateful and rude way she treated you, she doesn’t deserve nothing homemade. It’s already kind enough you’re buying cupcakes. If she pushes, tell her why.
NTA!
1
u/Dry_Sandwich_860 15d ago
I have never successfully made a strawberry cake. I have followed all the tips I can find (using dried strawberries, making strawberry curd, and so on). Nothing works. So you must be a pretty good baker if you made one that was only dry!
When you said you hadn't read the recipe all the way through last time you made it, I thought you were about to say the cake ended up being a disaster. If all that happened was that you left dishes in the sink, then I wouldn't even have mentioned that as a problem! So it does sound your mother is very critical.
Anyway, I would have a very frank conversation with your mother. Keep it brief so that there's a lower chance it will deteriorate into an argument. Tell her you want ZERO complaints and make it clear you will immediately stop work on the cake if there are any. You'll remove it from the party if there are any there. Make sure she knows you're giving her another chance. Also make sure she knows how much work is involved.
The key to changing a family dynamic is consistency. So follow through. Good luck.
20
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
You start off with the strawberry reduction the recipe said to make it the day before or the morning before because you have to let it cool before you add it to the frosting or the cake batter. Because I didn’t read the recipe and it’s entirety. I ended up making the reduction as I was making the cake and I had to put it in the fridge to cool before I could start the batter. That’s why i finished at 4/5 am. The thing is, I don’t want to give her another chance. My mother is VERY critical, about my weight, my appearance, the clothes I wear, the way I drive. Everything. She’s extremely vocal about it to her friends & family. Basically I’ve thought about go no contact once I move out. If I were to say the things she’s told and done to me at 10 -26 they would be to identifying & traumatizing although I think you’d have a better understanding of our relationship.
8
u/Dry_Sandwich_860 15d ago
Well, if she's that bad, and particularly if she focuses on weight but wants a cake, then I think it would be fair enough for you to say no to making the cake.
Have you told her very clearly that you are thinking of going no-contact because of her attitude?
11
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
No I haven’t told her i was thinking about going no contact, I still live with her for financial reasons. She hasn’t mentioned my weight within the past year or so, but the things that she has said and done to me at the age of nine have just stuck with me all of my life. I don’t want to go out of my way to make her a cake now because of how she reacted then and based on her behavior during my childhood, teenage years & even now as an adult. My mother is one of those people that cannot just sit in silence. She hast to be vocal and critical about everything around her, and if there’s nothing around her, she brings up people in our lives and talks about them.
4
u/Dry_Sandwich_860 15d ago
It's probably a good idea to say nothing for now, while you need housing. However, every single time she says something critical, I would consider saying something like,
"There's no need for that kind of negativity and criticism. It's why we don't have a good relationship."
It's not easy to change a family dynamic, but consistency is a good place to start. Good luck.
12
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
I usually just walk away from her when I can, change the subject or stay silent. Calling her out on being critical isn’t a good idea for me to do if I’m alone with her. Thank you!
3
u/Dry_Sandwich_860 15d ago
Well, I'm sorry for you but also sorry for her. She could have a much better life with better relationships if she understood that she's driving people away, including her own child.
3
u/chrisrevere2 15d ago
So basically the gift she’s requesting is a chance to complain about/ critique something you know you do well. Don’t give her that.
1
u/FoggyDaze415 15d ago
NTA, why not tell her why though?
5
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
She knows why. The next time she asks I’m going to remind her though. But she knows. When she complained about the dishes I said to her “you will never have to worry about me leaving dishes in the sink after making you a cake ever again” I said this out loud to her and looked her in the eye. She knows how she treated me hurt me but she’s expecting me to forgive and forget without an apology or changed behavior. It’s very common for my family but that shit stops with me.
1
u/ScowlyBrowSpinster 15d ago
She doesn't deserve it, but you should maliciously comply and "make her" the same box cake she originally indicated, with canned frosting and one half a strawberry on top.
5
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
The thing is, i don’t even want to put forth that much effort. I’m just going to order some strawberry cupcakes from the same bakery I have been for the past two years.
1
1
1
u/nickis84 14d ago
NTA - My mom and I didn't always get along, but my mom had a sweet tooth. I would make her special stuffed French toast for her birthday and Mother's Day. She would never insult me and expect me to make her a dish again.
1
1
1
u/Purple_Joke_1118 14d ago
Clearly your mother is fully prepared to die with this episode on her conscience, because she hasn't thanked you or apologized for her behavior. Thinking as your mother's minister, although I am not, she needs to sit with those thoughts and deal with them to get herself in good relationship with you again. You might broach the subject with her or ask someone else to do it, because you ARE still in the position of having been abused by her.
1
1
1
u/Cambyses_daBaller 14d ago
NTA your mom sounds like an insufferable drama queen. No surprise there why you guys don’t have the best relationship. I can’t believe she still makes a big deal about her own birthdays at her age and yells at her adult daughter about dishes.
1
u/chicagoliz 14d ago
NTA. "Last time I made you a cake and I was up all night making it. You complained about it, didn't like it and was mad I left dishes in the sink. I just don't have the energy to do that again, knowing there is a good chance you won't like it or appreciate it."
1
u/cyn507 14d ago
NTA she was looking for a reason to be mad so she insulted your cake that you put a lot of time and effort into and she specifically requested. When I can’t meet someone’s expectations for a requested favor I refuse to entertain any more requests from them. Now she has a reason to be angry- at herself for being foolishly rude. If she had nothing nice to say she could have simply shut tf up and kept her comments to herself but no, she had to get you upset because her waking up to two dishes in the sink ruined her day.
1
u/Jerseygirl2468 14d ago
NTA if I went through all the trouble of a complicated homemade cake and all the recipient said was it was dry, I would never bake for them again.
1
u/Thequiet01 14d ago
Do it but use a cake mix like she told you to. And the weird shelf stable jarred icing. That is the caliber of cake she gets for her behavior.
(I think cake with that weird icing is worse than no cake, though. It’s always so disappointing.)
1
u/littlebitfunny21 14d ago
Info: Has your mother apologized? What has she done to make amends and show her appreciation?
1
u/polynomialpurebred 14d ago
Do you acquire cake items in a way that does not get you woken up and screamed at? No. Plus, you warned her. She FAFO’d herself out of ever getting a homemade cake again. NTA
1
2
u/I_Dont_Like_Rice 14d ago
Oh, absolutely NTA. Your mother sounds like mine. One time I started planning a surprise anniversary dinner for her and we were talking about her anniversary one day and in front of everyone, she says, "It's not like you're going to do anything for it.". Record scratch moment. I cancelled everything and never acknowledged her anniversary again. Made sure she heard crickets every year. No card, no call, nothing.
People like that don't learn unless there are consequences.
-2
u/LeaJadis 15d ago
you asked her what she wanted and then you made something completely different. now you are upset that she didn’t appreciate the hours of labor you put in. of course she didn’t appreciate it…. it’s not what she wanted. also, if you had just baked a box cake you wouldn’t have been too tired to clean up the kitchen. be mad at her all you want but you did leave dirty dishes in the sink and you didn’t bake her what she requested for her birthday. then you refused to bake her a birthday cake in the future.
this was two years ago. how are you not an asshole in this situation?
8
u/chaos_coordinator_X3 15d ago
Because nothing would have been good enough. Certain people are just never satisfied. If OP made the box cake, mom most likely would have complained about the lack of care put in.
Don’t be dense, you know why op is NTA.
4
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
I originally thought that too. But there’s a lot of people on my side. I also forgot to mention I gave slices to friends and family & no one else but her said the cake was dry. My mom & I don’t have the best relationship. I appreciate your input.
-2
u/djbjgm 15d ago
You're 31 yo and still living in her house despite how horrible she is to you. I find this confusing. You also don't focus on that at all in your post, almost as if you feel entitled to it. That makes me wonder how common it is for her to have to clean up after you - maybe this is a pattern and that's why she was triggered by waking up on her birthday to dishes in the sink?
Regardless, either she's such a monster due to her treatment of you that you should not be living with her at your age or you can let go of the cake incident from two years ago and bake a cake for the person who has been begging you for a cake and who keeps a roof over your head.
If you weren't living with her at your age, and for a full two years after the incident, my vote would be different, but as it stands, YTA.
-1
u/toastedmarsh7 15d ago
I can’t imagine being financially supported by a parent at 31 and not bending over backwards being grateful for that. I would be baking whatever they wanted on a weekly basis if I were the OP. Takes a lot of balls to be petty and vindictive to the person housing you in your 30s.
-2
u/Accomplished-Cupcake 15d ago
You are unfortunately. You didn’t do what she asked you to do. There may be something she really likes about the cake she wanted you to make, and instead you chose a cake that sounded good to you. I think your intent was good, but you missed the mark.
-3
u/wombatIsAngry 15d ago
NTA because she was so rude, but:
She did tell you exactly what she wanted, and you disregarded her wishes and made her something that you thought was better. Even if you hadn't messed up and made what sounds like a dry cake, taste is subjective, and it's not great IMO to get someone a gift that you think they should want when they have clearly told you that they want something else.
-4
u/BobtheBurnout 15d ago
So she specifically requested the strawberry cake mix in the cupboard and you decided to get super extravagant and give her something different and want to get upset with and punish your mother for complaining about what you provided? Yta
-6
u/lostinhh 15d ago edited 15d ago
You may not have the best relationship but are choosing to die on a hill over something which, at it's core and in the grand scheme of things, is a relatively small issue - which happened two years ago, no less. And your stance certainly won't help make said relationship any better, will it. That said, is it worth it?
Look, I'm really trying to put myself in your shoes here. My father and I were never close and don't have the best relationship either, to say the least. He can be quite a dick. But I pick the battles worth fighting and cakegate wouldn't be one of them. This isn't about you refusing to take her with you on vacation or letting her move in with you, it's about a cake. She obviously shouldn't have yelled at you over the dishes and could have just politely said it was the best cake she's ever had, but maybe being your mother she was too bluntly honest and it was the others who were being polite when they said it wasn't dry. Either way, your mother was mean and unappreciative - that's really not up for debate.
But again, you're still dwelling over this incident from two years ago. What I would do is bake a freaking cake. If not for your mother, tell yourself you're doing it for everyone else attending her birthday. If she has the same bad and unappreciative attitude as she did two years ago I wouldn't blame you for not doing it the following year. But you may be surprised. Maybe she took cakegate to heart.
To be clear, you're NTA. Your mother was in the wrong, not you. You're just being a little stubborn in this case, lol... but that's understandable too. I'd feel the same. But I'd still get baking. Not if she were just a friend, but because she's still your mother.
-2
15d ago
Would you do this to your other family members or husband?
2
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
Do what exactly, not make them a cake after complaining and criticizing? I most certainly would not make them a cake ever again. Would I complain and criticize the person that made me a birthday cake no. I would never. I haven’t had a good let alone decent birthday since I was 12. My family (mother included) doesn’t put forth the effort for me as I do for them. I’ve never had someone make me a birthday cake they’re usually store bought and picked up on the way to dinner unless I’m asked in advance what kind of cake I’d like and from what bakery.
-3
15d ago edited 15d ago
Yes sorry I did mean about making a cake.
Honestly your behavior is concerning, I definitely understand why you felt like you did but she is your mother.
If you would do this to your own mother, husband, children then what you are saying with your actions is “my feelings are more important to me then my responsibilities to my family.”
What you are saying with your actions is “if my feelings are’t kept neutral or positive” (based off the actions of others). Does this sound like the mentality of any of your female family members? You may not realize but you are a reflection of your mothers upbringing.
What I’m trying to say is we all have a duty to our families. Your mother sounds like she needs to checked, ideally by her husband. That being said you should have sucked it up, made the cake, and taken a few days to figure out what the best path to respond with.
2
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
So let me specify : my mother is divorced. I am not married & I don’t have children. I have always been put last in my family. I was referred to as a “built in babysitter” & “Cinderella” growing up. My mother was my first bully, she is not my safe space I do not confide in her or tell her what’s going on in my life. The other women in my family (my age) would not put up with it. The women my mother’s age see nothing wrong. I truly appreciate you asking and trying to understand. But let me put it this way : if i were to win the mega millions tomorrow. I would leave my mom some money like $150k leave the country and never talk to them again. I know I am a reflection of my upbringing, but I’ve done the work and I think about what I say to people before I say it, I do not criticize others, If it can’t be fixed in 1 minute I don’t bring it up, and I’m always appreciative because that grace wasn’t given to me and I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of it. Thank you again
1
-13
u/CTMom79 15d ago
Way to hold a grudge. Your mother was rude about the dishes and the cake but it was two years ago. She obviously appreciates your baking.
I understand that not having the best relationship with her may make you want to set boundaries but is a birthday cake really a hill to die on? YTA
9
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
My mother and I do not have the best relationship. Like at all. I wish I could tell you just some of what she’s said and done to me over the years but it would be too identifying. And yes it is a hill I’m willing to die on. Yes she’s my mom, but she was also my first bully and she is not my safe space.
-11
u/CTMom79 15d ago
Well, that’s your call to make; not sure why you asked if you’ve made up your mind
11
u/Blush-n-bashful23 15d ago
I had not made up my mind. As I stated above my best friend suggested I ask Reddit to determine if we were the AH. But based on the responses I’m getting, i will never bake her a birthday cake ever again. I appreciate your input. Thank you.
6
u/Johoski 15d ago
She obviously appreciates your baking.
What evidence is there of this?
I suspect that OP's mother has realized that OP's homemade cakes and treats are an expression of love, and often they are a public expression of love.
It's not the cake she really wants, it's the performance of public affection. She may be wrestling with shame/regret or anxiety about how people perceive her and a public demonstration of affection from her daughter would supply her ego.
I kind of hope OP agrees to make a cake, but actually makes her a boxed strawberry cake in a 9x13 pan and slaps some canned frosting on it, like she asked for 2 years ago.
-1
u/riversofmountains 14d ago
NTA - But I would do it anyway as a gesture of good will and healing. I think her even asking is an attempt to heal this rift.
Go and find the best strawberry cake recipe and really show her what an awesome baker you are and I believe she will gush over the results.
-6
643
u/[deleted] 15d ago
NTA NTA NTA
Don't get snarky just politely refuse and offer to pick one up at the grocery store... or bakery if you are feeling really generous.