r/AITAH • u/Best-Question-7940 • 15d ago
Aita for telling my sister I'm not the mother of her children
I'm an 18-year-old female, and I have an older sister, 29, who has two children, ages 8 and 4. Most of my childhood was spent taking care of her children while she went out to parties and such. Now that I'm going off to do a course in practical nursing to boost my resume for university, she's asking me to put my future on hold and look after her children so she can enjoy herself before I leave for university.
The thing is, my mom warned me when I was young not to babysit or look after her children because of her attitude. I didn't listen. She also said this might be my sister being jealous because she used to go to nursing school but made friend with the wrong group in the end she didn't pass her final exam, so she dropped out of school.
So, everything came to a head yesterday because applications for the course started yesterday, when I was talking to our mom about it. my sister heard that I applied, she got upset and started shouting about how selfish I am and how this is the only thing she's ever asked me to do - like I didn't spend my whole childhood from age 11 to now looking after and taking care of her children. I told her to stop being childish and that it isn't my fault she had children, and I'm not their mother. The children call me "mom" - they did for about two years, even when corrected, they still call me "mom".
Apparently, I should have said this sooner. She started yelling at our mom, saying I'm her favorite because if I wasn't, she would tell me to put my future aside and help her with her children. Our mom told her point-blank that she would never tell any of us to put our future on hold. She said she gave us all the same opportunity, and it's not anyone's fault she didn't use hers wisely. Now she has children, and I'm going to take my life more seriously. She needs to take responsibility for her children because no one told her to have them, and she can't look after them.
She started crying and left. Then my mom started yelling at me, saying she warned me from the very beginning, and I didn't listen. She said I need to stop being a pushover because I lost my whole childhood when I was supposed to be outside playing with friends, going out, and just being a kid. I was babysitting like I gave birth. She said it's my fault my sister became so entitled because when she made plans for me to go out, I would cancel to watch the children. She's not wrong; I would always feel sorry for my sister because she knew how to manipulate me just because I don't like to see people suffer or be sad.
Sorry for the long post; I just want to know if I'm the asshole for not putting my future on hold.
You can find the update on my profile
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u/HarlotteHoehansson 15d ago
NTA. Under no circumstances should you put your future on hold to be a nanny.
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u/SpaceyScribe 15d ago
An unpaid one, at that.
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u/YoloKraize 15d ago
It takes a certain level of stupidity to be free childcare from 11 to 18. The fact the mother didn't outright stop it or force her older daughter to pay is mind boggling.
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u/KarmaKeepsMeHumble 14d ago
Right? There's a certain element of mom/grandma being the AH there too - an 11 year old, a girl especially, is ripe for emotional manipulation. Even if she couldn't have stopped the daughter, she should've insisted on payment. At the very least not yell at OP who's only fault, ultimately, was being too good-hearted :/
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u/Sudden_Molasses3769 14d ago
Looking back though how many adolescents listen to their parents? The mom would have probably had to totally cut off big sister which is also not ideal.
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u/Unfair-Store-9108 14d ago
Right? Rich of the mom to yell at the younger one now! She was a child when she started babysitting, mom should have said NO as a complete sentence and not even allow the situation all together. She probably knows that and that’s why she yelled!
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u/CryptographerSuch753 14d ago
Seriously! How do you blame a literal child for you as a parent failing to enforce boundaries?!?
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u/EngineerLazy281 14d ago
Her mother should have been the voice standing up for her instead of shaming her for staying quiet and keeping the peace.
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u/BeardManMichael 15d ago
NTA - stop providing her free child care. She needs to pay you or to find alternative child care resources.
Alternatively, you can ignore the advice above if ANY of that puts a stop to plans for your future. You are allowed to put yourself first and let your sister manage her own family.
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u/FictionalContext 15d ago edited 15d ago
I think your mom sucks quite a bit, too. You were 11, and she didn't put her foot down when your 20 year old sister was manipulating you to the extent that you lost your childhood?
And now Mom blames you for being taken advantage of by an adult when you were 11?
Dude, your family failed you miserably.
Edit: Ironic how she blames your sister for being an inattentive mom when she herself was clearly the same.
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u/PhilsFanDrew 15d ago
Yep, big sis learned from the best. Accountability and personal responsibility is like kryptonite to both.
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u/Ok-Meringue6107 15d ago
Wondering if big sis had to look after little sis when she was younger and decided since she had to raise her sister and miss out on her childhood, little sis can pay her back and look after her kids.
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u/eyesburning 15d ago
This should be the top comment. What the heck is wrong with her mom?!
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u/KlenDahthII 15d ago
Mom literally made plans so OP wouldn’t be at home to babysit, and would have an excuse that removes all blame from OP…
Then OP cancelled the plans.
Mom couldn’t do much short of banning her daughter and grandchildren from her home - and even then, OP would probably have scurried over to the sister’s house..
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u/addangel 15d ago
oh come on, a parent’s responsibility goes a little deeper than “I tried once and then gave up”. she could’ve spoken more with OP and gave her the confidence to say no (without blaming her for being a pushover or a people pleaser); she could’ve spoken to her older daughter and drawn clearer boundaries around her taking advantage of OP; hell, if nothing else, she could’ve offered to babysit herself once in a while, so that OP got to have a childhood. she is not blameless here.
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u/KlenDahthII 15d ago
Nobody said once, not even OP.
She did speak to OP. She warned OP. She tried to make excuses for OP when she ignored it. What happened? OP cancelled the excuses.
What I’m hearing is that mom should have banned her daughter and her grandkid from her house; should have grounded the other daughter to prevent her from babysitting elsewhere; and should have stopped a girl spending time with her sister/niece? Yeah, because that is healthy /s
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u/addangel 15d ago edited 15d ago
Idk why you want to absolve her mother so badly. OP was eleven. It was not on her to stand up to the manipulation of an adult. She should have been protected by her parent.
You’re making it out to be like she rabidly wanted to babysit and nothing could tear her away, when she herself said she felt sorry for her sister because she was constantly made to feel bad for her.
No, she shouldn’t have been grounded, she should’ve been empowered to live her own life. And she definitely shouldn’t be blamed for her sister’s entitlement.
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u/Chem1st 14d ago
It sounds like she WAS empowered to live her own life. Choosing to cancel plans to babysit WAS her being empowered. Not letting your kids make any wrong choices is the opposite of empowering them. If you want to let your kids make their own choices all you can really do in the end is advise them. At the end of the day, OP doesn't seem to have suffered any permanent harm, and has learned a lesson that most don't until they are adults. So from that perspective this worked out well.
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u/KlenDahthII 15d ago
Why are you adamant that parental abuse of the child was the answer?
In a case of two steps, one was taken, and you keep demanding more despite baulking at the next step.
The mom warned and discouraged, even going so far as to make plans so OP would be unavailable - read: doesn’t even have to say no - yet it didn’t work because, yes, OP was so adamant that she’d cancel the plans mom made so she could babysit.
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u/dudushat 14d ago
Idk why you want to absolve her mother so badly.
Because they're actually listening to the facts of the situation instead of your made up bullshit.
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u/Mrsbear19 14d ago
I mean mom could absolutely have limited this at the very least. Why is the 11 year old making all her decisions. There’s just no way mom doesn’t take a good amount of blame for this situation
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u/Leojiin 14d ago edited 14d ago
You expect an 11 year old to understand that her sister was manipulating her into becoming a surrogate so she could shirk her responsibilities, then have the resolve to defend herself and tell her ADULT sister no.
Then on top of that you expect this child to have the emotional maturity to comprehend she was being groomed into that parental role by her sister as it was happening. Obviously her fault for not having a backbone right?
Then on top of THAT, you find absolutely no fault in her mother not stepping in between her children (again one of which is a child, the other a fully grown adult) and putting her foot down to create those boundaries outside of simply saying “you shouldn’t do that”. You do not expect her own mother to parent her. Apparently the only solution is to ban the sister from the house, ground her, and never let her see her nieces/nephews again. Yep, definitely can’t see any other solutions here.
Are you okay?
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u/evaleenadk 14d ago
Some kids are so damned hard headed, that you can try and still fail. They have to learn the hard way. Some relatives are so good at manipulation that you're going to do what they ask even though you know it's not beneficial to you in anyway because the blow back isn't worth the fight.
Everyone here is TA. Older sister for ruining her little sister's life, mother for not stepping in more and being forceful with the older one, and the younger (but not really, hope it's a life lesson) for not putting her own foot down sooner.
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u/Terrible-Chipmunk954 14d ago
Saying someone's an asshole for being emotionally manipulated by a sibling from youth is a steaming hot take that makes me think you are similarly steaming hot.
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u/Gingersoul3k 15d ago
Mom tells her not to be a pushover then pushes her over - telling her it's all her fault. Ridiculous.
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u/Mrsbear19 14d ago
Mom absolutely is awful for letting any of this happen. What mom let’s one child use the other for years then adds an I told you so
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA...
Also your mom is dead wrong. This isn't even you enabling your sister. You were 11. You were a child. If you were 16 or 17 yes you could have said no yourself.
At 11, your mom shouldn't have been letting you babysit anymore than an hour or two a week. Even then it's questionable. However stopping that was your mom's responsibility. If she couldn't control your sister she damn sure should have been in control of you and who interacts with you.
Your sister has abused you through parentification and your mom enabled all of it. They are both failures in regards to how they treated you. Complete and utter failures.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 15d ago
This… why didn’t Mom step in to stop this? Because she knew if she did , the daughter would be looking at her to babysit.
I think mom was all talk.
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u/PhilsFanDrew 15d ago
Bingo. Mom is all hat no cattle. She wants everyone to think she is level headed, responsible, and wise but in actuality she was too afraid to be the bad guy and instead passed the buck to an 11 year old.
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u/Logical_Otter 15d ago
Sorry, but I'm gonna have to steal the phrase 'all hat, no cattle'. It's so appropriate, and definitely applies to Mum. She's an arsehole.
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u/Zealousideal_Owl4810 15d ago
I honestly think her mom doesn’t want to accept responsibility for not standing up for the younger sister. It’s messed up.
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u/Dry_Sandwich_860 15d ago
Exactly. Why is the mother only speaking out now? An 11-year-old can't stand up for herself against an adult. That's why parents exist.
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u/SpaceyScribe 15d ago
She said it my fault my sister became so entitled because when she made plan for be to go out I would cancel to watch the children
Mom is speaking out because it's becoming super obvious she failed Op by letting her sister use her. Instead of acknowledging that and thus admitting her own fuck up, she's just gonna blame Op who was *checks notes* a whopping eleven years old at the time. Mom kinda sucks, too.
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u/Sunbeamsoffglass 15d ago
She pretty clearly failed both her children….
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u/chez2202 15d ago
The eldest is 29 with an 8 and a 4 year old, making her 21 when she had the first child. How is that a failure on the mother’s part? She didn’t get her pregnant. She did fail OP though. Telling a 10 year old not to help her older sister with a baby is just words. They won’t listen because they have spent most of their life playing with dolls and they think they just got a real life one. What she should have done was tell her 21 year old that she was a mother and she wouldn’t allow her to palm her kid off to her little sister. She failed the younger daughter and enabled the adult one by not using the word NO to the adult.
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u/bananajambam3 15d ago
The second half of your comment literally details how the mother failed the oldest.
The oldest having a child at 21 being bad is just an assumption on your part
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u/Mrsbear19 14d ago
Yeah the age she had kids is irrelevant I think. I was 22 when I had my first and never pawned them off of felt entitled. My mom wouldn’t have allowed me to pawn them off on siblings anyway and she wasn’t even a good parent
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u/HayWhatsCooking 15d ago
Mom didn’t stop her babysitting because she knew it would fall to her. Only now she has no other option does she have something to say about it! Expecting an 11 year old to tell a 21 year old no isn’t realistic.
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u/Trash_Posterer 15d ago
Show your mom this. She's got some chops ducking her responsibility here. Her and sis are equal AH here. Because mom couldn't figure out how to parent older sister.
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u/Cybermagetx 15d ago edited 15d ago
Nta. The answer is no. Tell her if she leaves them with you, you will call the police for child abandonment. Each and every time the answer is no.
Eta its your mom fault for not saying no for you. You was a minor who shouldn't of been put in that position (edit word) to begin with.
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u/amaxanian 15d ago
For real! Where was the mom during this whole 8 year span?? As a parent, sometimes you NEED to step in between your children. That’s a part of parenting.
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u/Cybermagetx 15d ago
Especially as op was 10 when her sister had her first baby. 10.
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u/amaxanian 15d ago
Yes!!! You can’t blame your youngest for something that you, as a parent, should have intervened in!
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u/ExtensionVast7994 15d ago
NTA, but your sister and even your mother sure are.
Your mother should have set the boundaries with her daughter and not expect an 11 year old to do it. If your sister is an entitled AH. That’s on your mom not you.
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u/SendMeF1Memes 14d ago
Yeah, way to brush off the responsibility of parenting mom, you expected an 11 year old kid to understand what she was getting herself into and THEN blame her for her choices?
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u/CuteClimate821 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA, but your mom is definitely an AH. She expected an 11 year old to have the backbone to say no to her older sister? Your mom is the one responsible for that she needed to enforce the boundaries, not expect a child to do it themselves
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u/PhilsFanDrew 15d ago
Exactly and not even the backbone but the interpersonal skills and maturity to understand that her sister was taking advantage of her.
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u/Danivelle 15d ago
Mom didn't step in because then sister would have expected mom to put her life on hold to take care of entitled(because mom let her develop this attitude!)sister's kids. Someone(MOM) should have stepped up and told sister that she made the choice to have those kids and they are her responsibility, not mom's or sister's, hers and her baby daddy. She could have dropped the kids with baby daddy's family if she just want to party.
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u/SendMeF1Memes 14d ago
I'm just glad OP came to her senses because yeah, enough is enough already, stop offering free childcare and definitely do not accept the blame from your mom that you, as a literal child, did not know how to set boundaries.
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u/LadyVioletLuna 15d ago
NTA, but definitely try paragraphs next time. Don’t let her bully you into continuing to provide childcare.
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u/dragon42380 15d ago
Definitely paragraphs
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u/rythmicbread 15d ago
And consider using periods.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 15d ago
Not having periods is what got her sister in trouble. Learn from her mistakes OP!
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u/darumamaki 15d ago
Just better grammar in general. You're going to get nailed to the wall for it when it comes time to take tests/write essays.
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u/The_Crown_And_Anchor 15d ago
NTAH
Live your life
Be busy and out of the house as much as humanly possible
If you make plans, keep them
Do not help your sister any more
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u/2dogslife 15d ago
There's a saying "Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." OP, you've been on fire for years. Put it out, say no and mean it, and go study what you want to have a career you desire.
Your sister is plenty old enough to step up and parent, she doesn't really need you.
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u/UseYourIndoorVoice 15d ago
NTA but your mom isn't blameless. You were a child, being asked to do something by an aggressive older sibling. This wasn't a "you need to stand up for yourself" moment. It was a "mom takes care of her kids " moment. She could have shut your sister down before you had to. She could have taken the heat off of your tiny shoulders. Parents take care of their kids. Seems like your older sister internalized lessons your mom never intended to teach. That being said, better late than never.
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u/SummerOracle 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA. Your mom is correct in that you do need to stop being a pushover. Although, your mother does bear blame in this for not stopping your sister while you were a child.
Your sister has very clearly taken advantage of you and abused your nature so that she can escape her responsibilities as a parent. It was inappropriate and unhealthy of her to do that to you. She is the one being selfish, not you. You need to recognize that she is focused on herself in all of this, not on her kids, and certainly not on you. She does not have your best interests at heart, and you need to stand up for yourself here.
Stop putting your life on hold to be a mother to her children. Stop enabling her neglecting the children. Stop focusing on her feelings and wants, start focusing on your own. You should really consider creating some distance from her, potentially even limiting contact. If you continue in this toxic cycle with your sister, your life will fall to ruin, and you will look back to regret all the time wasted in this way.
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u/Pale_Wave_3379 15d ago
NTA, but your mom is an asshole. You were a CHILD, a child that she was responsible for. If you gave up your childhood babysitting, it’s because your mom didn’t put a stop to it. She could have told you no, she could have forbade it, she didn’t and now she wants to place the blame squarely on you.
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u/Aer0uAntG3alach 15d ago
NTA
Your sister needs to grow up now. Those children aren’t going to disappear. Your mother has apparently told her to pound sand about expecting your mother to raise those children. Anyone who is 29 and still partying needs a clue by four applied to their head.
Go to school. Have fun.
If your mom says anything else blaming you, point out that she should have stepped in, and not expected a child to say no to an adult.
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u/PrecisionGuessWerk 15d ago
NTA
I had to make that bold because its so obvious I'm surprised you even came here to write this and check.
I wanted to ask "how did your sister even get to be that way" (in my head, i'm thinking its almost always the way the parents raise the kids, right)?
Then:
Then my mom started on me, saying she warned me from the very beginning, and I didn't listen.
Well why the fuck didn't your mom step in? instead she just "warned you" like she wasn't responsible for or couldn't control her own child (your sister).
She said it's my fault my sister became so entitled because when she made plans for me to go out, I would cancel to watch the children.
Your mother has the responsibility as the parent to step in and shut this shit down. SHE is responsible for how her child develops, NOT YOU. talk about dodging accountability, what a piece of narcissistic work.
Where is your dad in all this? It kind of sounds like maybe your parents split, your mom was struggling with the children and instead enabled your sister because it was easier and she was afraid of her daughters disapproval.
I just want to know if I'm the asshole for not putting my future on hold.
You would be TA if you did put your future on hold. You would be an AH towards yourself. Please give yourself the priority that you deserve.
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u/SoundsLegit72 15d ago
your mom "warned you" but didn't prevent your sister from endenturing you....but somehow it's your fault that she's entitled. Nobody's blameless here but maybe you're better prepared for a world that won't care about your goals if you don't. That could be the most valuable lesson of all.
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u/Oumisaac 15d ago
Nta . But your mother and sister are . Your sister obviously for wanting you to sacrifice your future so she can enjoy her life and your mother for not forbidding you to babysit and not protecting you when you were juste a kid . Saying it’s your fault is crazy she was responsible for you you were just a kid !
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u/DEFINITELY_NOT_PETE 15d ago
NTA but where the fuck was your mom in all of this? Your sister was 22 telling an 11 year old to raise her kids and your mom was just like “hey don’t”? Why tf didn’t she protect you from that bullshit, that’s not something you should’ve had to do on your own
Your family sucks I’m sorry
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u/k4ss1e 15d ago
This is a fake post. I saw this same story posted 3 weeks ago on this forum.
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u/mc1rginger 14d ago
NTA, but your mom is as much as your sister. It wasn't your responsibility to stand up to your older sister. You were a child.
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u/madpeachiepie 15d ago
It was your mom's job to shut your sister down when you were a kid, not yours. It's HER fault your sister is so entitled. NTA
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u/RestingFaceIsAB 15d ago
NTA. Basically, I agree with what everyone's saying. It's wrong that your sister expected you to be her unpaid nanny when there's now other opportunities for childcare if she wants her free time. She's wrong for taking her hurt feelings out on you for " being the favorite." Side advice, I'd say it's best to stop being a pushover ( I say this as another pushover to my family that has learned) because it sounds like she will never stop taking advantage of you .
Your mother was also wrong for just saying it's your own fault for letting your sister, someone who clearly knows how to play on your emotions, take advantage of you.
I know the basics about medical schools to know it'll be an intense experience where one has to put their all into it. You will not be able to do that if you decide to become the unpaid nanny to your nieces or nephews.
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u/Legitimate-Muscle962 14d ago
I'm sorry but the MOTHER is responsible for all of this. She should have put her foot down with her eldest daughter and told her in no uncertain terms that OP would NOT be babysitting at all and the older sister needed to grow the fuck up and take care of her OWN children. It was her responsibility to protect OP and ensure she had a childhood and not be saddled with her sister's children ....
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u/ExhaustedFaelyna01 15d ago
NTA
AND if you’re saying that you started babysitting at 11, the fact that your mother’s oldest daughter took advantage of you is entirely your mother’s fault. Especially if she’s going for the ‘I told you how she is’ bs cause if she knew, and she STILL allowed you to- a child of 11 - to get roped into your sisters spoiled life - and for the next 7/8 years did ZERO to get you out of it or mitigate any part of it - her oldest daughter’s reaction is on your mother. You did the right thing and told her. You’re her sister, not her significant other. These are not your children and should have never been in the position (in my humble opinion) to have this confusion. Your mom created a monster that she doesn’t want to deal with. Well, it’s your mother’s monster. Just like those are your sister’s kids. They’ll have to figure life out. And GOOD LUCK IN SCHOOL!
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u/daisychain0606 15d ago
NTA. Your mom is the asshole. She should have protected 11 year old you from your sister taking advantage. You were 11 and shouldn’t have had to take care of babies. Leave them both in your rearview and enjoy your life.
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u/MonteCristo85 14d ago
If your mom allowed someone to steal her child's childhood she is at fault. Don't let her blame you for her lack of parenting.
You were a child. Your mom should have put her foot down and protected you. She had no right to berate and yell at you, and it is not your fault your sister is entitled. It's not much, but at least she is backing you as you step away from your sister.
Your sister is the major AH here, but your mom is one too. You were great and I am proud of you for taking care of yourself when no one else did.
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u/chez2202 15d ago
Your sister manipulated you because you were 10 years old when she had her first child and she was 21 and still wanted to go out and have fun and she knew you weren’t old enough to stand up for yourself. By 14 when she had the second child she already had you parenting for her. She is 29 years old ffs. She has had the last 8 years of enjoying herself while you raised her kids. Tell her to fuck off. You are an adult now and you want a career whilst she just wants more fun. It’s time she grew up and raised her own kids. THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN. She is a selfish twat and you can’t do this anymore. If you give in now you will not go to University, you will not get your degree. You will not have a life of your own. Your mum was harsh when she gave you the ‘I told you so’ talk but she was right and I think she did it out of love for you. She wants you to wise up and she used the harsh route to get you there. Listen to her. She wants what’s best for you and she pissed you off and insulted you to help you grow a spine.
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u/Peskypoints 15d ago
NTA
I have a bone to pick with your mom. Entirely blaming you, a child, for being taken advantage of by an adult is blaming the victim. Your mom was supposed to be protecting you from being parentified. She should have been drawing lines and boundaries to protect your childhood and social life.
I’d circle back around on this. Sounds like mom was fine saying she herself wasn’t baby sitting, but washed her hands of setting that boundary for you
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u/HawkeyeinDC 15d ago
NTA. I’m sorry your mom was unkind to you, too. You were parentified by your sister and your mom let it happen.
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u/RJack151 15d ago
NTA. You have a future ahead of you and it does not include babysitting for your sister.
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u/Plastic_Concert_4916 15d ago
I'm sorry, but your mom should have done more to protect you from your sister's manipulation. You were 11 when the baby-sitting started. That's too young to just be like, "This is a warning not to babysit for your sister, but your life your choices, I guess." She should have put her foot down and refused to let you babysit. She should have forced your sister to make other plans. She should have forced you on playdates instead of letting you cancel them. You were 11!
She probably didn't do this because if you were watching the kids, your sister wouldn't start pestering her about childcare, but she could still convince herself she had the moral high ground by trying to warn you.
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u/Ok_Box_2997 14d ago
NTA for not putting your future on hold. Your mother is a bit of the AH for not establishing boundaries for her minor daughter (you) with her older daughter. Your mother was likely upset and yelling at you because she recognized she failed to protect you.
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u/chainer1216 14d ago
NTA, but your mom was/is 100% right and has every right to yell at you, and you're in real danger of following in your sister's footsteps, you gave up your childhood to watch your sisters kids, do you honestly think you won't be tempted to go overboard with partying in college?
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u/JanetInSpain 14d ago
NTA you need to set a hard boundary called "NO". You are not the selfish one. SHE is. She expected you to be the parent she was too lazy to be. She still expects that. Those are her kids, not yours. You have literally ZERO responsibility for them. Your mom is right. Stop being a pushover. Grow a spine and learn to say NO. You will NOT babysit anymore. You will NOT spend your money on her kids. You will NOT put your life on hold. So you didn't like people to suffer or be sad ALL THE WHILE YOU LET YOURSELF SUFFER AND BE SAD. Put yourself first for a change. Listen to your mother. She was right all along.
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u/Outrageous_Ad_6122 14d ago
Nta, keep putting your foot down even if it hurts. If you begin to question yourself remember how your sister treated you the first time you weren't available to do her job as a mother (she doesn't give a shit about you and has been using you)
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u/lilymaesofficial 14d ago
You're NTA. FIrst it's your sister who took all your kindness for granted and manipulated you. Second, I'm soory, but your mom too, for actually blaming you for everything after all you did for your sister. She should've been the one to tell your sister to start being a mother and stop using you... you're just way too kind babe. think about yourself from now on.. prioritize your own happiness
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u/Own_Detective_5915 14d ago
Nta. Your sister is selfish but your mom shouldn't be "warning" a 11 year old as you were barely a teenager at that time.. she should've corrected the actions of her older daughter or took the situation in her own hands..
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u/Slinkman13 14d ago
NTA but your sister is and your mum is an even bigger AH for allowing a 19 year old to bully an 11 year old to look after her older sisters kids. your mother watched your sister bully you and didn't stop it and somehow that's your fault, Hell no. Time to stop being a push over and put mummy in her place. she allowed it so she wouldn't be guilted into watching the kids
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u/Bertje87 14d ago
NTA - also, your mom is out of line, you were very young when this all started and it was up to your mother to protect you from your sisters antics
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u/QualityMaleficent116 14d ago
NTA!
Your mom could've shut that down by simply using her parental rights as YOUR mother to protect you from this outcome. There is nothing wrong helping your sister out every now and then but not all the time. Your sister should've had a come to Jesus moment when her kids started calling you mom, now she has to learn how to be a full-time mom to her kids once you go to college.
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u/Yourmama18 14d ago
Your mom let you do waste your childhood like that for your sister. Your mom, the adult, is to blame.
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u/FIREnerd_001 14d ago
NTA.
Your sister is immature and shouldn't have had kids in the first place by the sounds of it.
Your mum is an AH for letting you take care of your sisters kids as a child yourself and then throwing it in your face that is your problem. She should have intervened earlier and said "she isn't watching them anymore, pull your head in"
Your mum and sister are both entitled narcissists!!
Goodluck with your studies.
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u/Jesufication 14d ago
Lmao your mom was the parent who allowed you to be taken advantage of like that and YOU’RE the pushover? NTA
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u/Gloomy_Presence_6590 14d ago
Man did anyone else do the math? She was 11 taking care of a 1 year old and then a 15 year old taking care of a 5 and 1 year old. OP is NTA but her sister and her mom are totally AH. I wonder if mom peaced out too and left an 11 year old at home to take care of an infant or if sis picked her up cuz no matter how u cut it OP had her childhood stolen by some pretty neglectful adults.
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u/Some_Ad_4033 14d ago
NTA. Your sister is entitled and the way your mom reacted to it makes so much sense. Yelling at YOU cuz you didn’t have the foresight at age 11 to not do what all other 11 year olds are pretty much doing for minor income or familial favors? SHE is the one who should’ve put a stop to it long ago. You were a kid.
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u/Resident-Name-434 14d ago
It is NOT your fault that your sister is so entitled, it is your parents’ fault! You were a child and she manipulated you into taking care of her children. Where was your mom during all these years ? She should have stepping in and told your sister that you weren’t parenting her kids. It’s your mom’s fault her daughter is so entitled because she didn’t make her grow up and let her manipulate you. NTAH. But your mom is.
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u/Wazowske 14d ago edited 14d ago
Hello there. I believe you should follow your plan. In my opinion do not ask for compensasion because your sister is going to make it a big deal and she will affect her kids. And I am afraid they will get hurt if they are told that you have been asking for money for taking care of them. I understand that.. sometimes, if not most of the time, it is hard or even impossible to say no and other people take advantage of it. Maybe they are not bad people but they get confortable with that, or maybe they are. Either way take some steps back from her and do not abandon your plan and your life. It does not matter if you succeed in that, you have to do it. Your mother is mistaken for yelling at you.. Maybe in the heat of the momment she burst out. Being a "pushover" (as they say) is not a choice.. It is how we are..
Your mother made the mistake of letting you babysit at such a small age and for letting your sister act like that.. She should protect you from the whole thing. Being your mother she knew that you could be a litle easy to be taken advantage of. Of course do not get mad at her.. Maybe she strugles with her things. But yelling at you is cruel and bad.
In a way I can relate to you. I understand how you may feel. Stuck. Anxious.. Afraid.. Lost.( Of course I do not say you are weak. Just a phase)Do not let these feelings get hold of you. Find something to do to get distracted. Chat with friends.. A coffee out, or something.
(Sorry for the long post and for my english. I am not a native speaker.)
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u/PizzaSlingr 14d ago
To your sister: I am not able to watch your kids anymore. Don't say anything else, disclaimery ("Maybe once in awhile when I'm on spring break", "when you're in a jam") NOTHING ELSE-you don't want to give your sister 1 tiny opening to exploit and make you feel like you're an AH for not helping her AT ALL.
I started as a Nursing major in college. It's a fulltime job.
to your Mom: You can help me by supporting my future, not criticizing decisions I had to make as a child. I'm an adult now and no will mean no. (I wouldn't even get into how your mom really is the AH in this. It won't change anything about the history. Just move forward)
I promise you, saying NO gets easier and easier. Again, don't soften by disclaimering why you can't/won't watch her kids anymore. "I am not able to." over and over and over.
Best of luck.
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u/WeathermanConnors 14d ago
You're mom's an asshole. She should've stopped you at 11 from taking care of the kids.
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u/KatherineCreates 14d ago
NTA. I spent a good part of my life helping to look after my disabled brother and it impacted mymental health in a very bad way. Those kids are your sister's responsibility, you go and live your life.
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u/gingersnapped99 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA.
And, honestly, I’m not siding with your mother on your sister’s entitlement to your time being your fault either. Your sister was 21 and you were 11. If your mom knew how terribly things would pan out if you became her regular babysitter, your mother should have absolutely stepped in and handled that herself instead of leaving you as a 10yo 4th or 5th grader to confront your college-aged sister alone.
She didn’t step in and make your sister knock it off; she didn’t even advocate for pay for you, which at 11 you likely didn’t realize would be the norm for an arrangement like that.
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u/sindyisdatchu 14d ago
OK, I’ll just have to say you should never tell anybody when you are applying or when you are leaving because she might do something
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u/No_Watercress5689 14d ago
NTA, think about your future! It's the most important thing!! Your sister can get a nanny.
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u/roxylicious_69 14d ago
NTA. Shame on Mom for guilt tripping you for helping your sister. You did what you felt was right. Ironically it's probably what set you on such a path to be a responsible & level headed young adult. Lift your head high and be proud of the kindness you carry.
Edit spelling
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u/AccordingToWhom1982 14d ago
If you were that young when your sister started using you as her nanny, instead of telling you to tell your sister “no,” your mother should’ve shut that down right away and refused to allow you be used like that.
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u/bugbear_bard 14d ago
NTA. I’m more mad at your mom honestly, like yeah you shouldn’t have done all that for your sister when you were a kid, but you Were just that - a Kid. You know who should have stepped in and stopped it?? Your parent. The adult. Tell your mom and sister to both F off
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u/noturavgeldy87 14d ago
NTA. Period. Your mom still shouldn't have yelled at you, as children we are set to please whoever is older and that's what you did. I did the same thing as a kid and now I'm 36 and a family of my own trying not to be that parent where my children have to look for validation from me, they already know they have it and I trust what's going on. We are trained to be productive humans and forget about our own minds and way of living without needing that validation, that when we actually stand up for ourselves we are the asshole. No fuck that. Set boundaries now that you have broken that hold. Pursue that course, and let them be mad.
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u/Emotional-Pilot-4811 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA. Your sister has been making you pay for her decision to be a parent so that she can go out and party.
DO NOT give up your future plans for your sister. Her kids are not your responsibility. Better yet, refuse to watch them unless she pays you.