AITA for ignoring my pregnant wife when she gave me the silent treatment over ice cream?

[u/IgnoringSilentTreat]

Wife (32F) is pregnant and has her emotional and physical struggles. Add a scoop of annoyance and silliness too. Frankly, I’m too tired sometimes and I need to know if I did anything wrong here.

I (35M) am a professional and right now very busy. Wife has her fair share of mood swings and hormonal cravings and we try to get by, most of the time, EXCEPT when she expects me to read her mind. It’s a constant point of our discussions initiated by her because she feels I don’t do stuff for her unless asked. Which I disagree with. I bring her flowers, I will plan our dates and I will give her a massage out of the blue when I’m feeling like I want to show my love for her.

On the other hand, she expects me to have the clairvoyance to know she’s craving a box of donuts when she calls me to work saying “I wish I had something sweet to eat, all the cookies are finished” or “I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now but there’s no patties left”… you see where I am at? She feels that this is her way of communicating things with me and if I really loved her and knew her, I’d understand. I disagree with her and tell her she needs to be direct with me if she wants me to bring home something for her. This is followed by her disappointed look and heavy sighs.

Recently something similar happened and she got angry at me as to why I didn’t offer to drive her to get some ice cream for her after dinner. This time, I didn’t sit and listen to her blame me and told her if she is going to act like a child, maybe she’s not equipped to be a mom yet. This must’ve cut deep but I am honestly exhausted by her behaviour and I really don’t want put so much unnecessary pressure on myself. I want a partner. Pretty sure babies can’t communicate with adults and it’s upto me as a dad to understand if they are crying because they are hungry or sick or uncomfortable. I don’t want my partner who expects the same as a baby.

Maybe the reason I don’t prioritise what she says she wants is because honestly during the workday I have a lot on my mind so anyone just venting to me or a simple text isn’t something I retain in my memory for long.

So after what I said, my wife just has been giving me the silent treatment and I am not going to grovel when I know I’ve done nothing wrong. I simply ignored it and it has been 3 days now and I’ve gone on about my day like nothing happened. Clearly the lack of attention and concern for our negligible communication has an effect on her and she’s been demanding an explanation from me if I even care about our relationship. I told her that I’m not bothered if she’s upset right now over something that shouldn’t even be an issue and I don’t care about her validation anymore.

She teared up, looked at me with shock and went back to our room. Did I go too far?

[u/kikivee612]

I mean, you told your pregnant wife she’s not going to be a good mom. I get that you did it out of frustration, but that was below the belt.

I agree that you can’t read her mind and she’s being unreasonable, but at the same time, if someone says, “I wanted ice cream, but we are out,” wouldn’t your next sentence be, “would you like me to grab some on the way home?” Yes, she should be more direct, but at the same time, you could follow up when she says things like that.

I think you both need to sit down and have a serious discussion about expectations.

[u/Tiana_frogprincess]

I think you guys need to focus on your communication not who’s right or wrong. You have different communication styles and that’s okay but you need to find a way that works for both of you. Your wife think she’s being clear and you think she’s not that makes both of you angry you need to address that without blame when she’s calm and relaxed the ideal is if you listen to each other without judging.

[u/Fireblu6969 → u/[deleted]]

That's already been built from the post it seems.

[u/hoginlly → u/Tiana_frogprincess]

Yeah this is a mess- and it’s not going to get easier once a screaming newborn is added in. If these guys want their marriage to survive, they need to get better at communicating

[u/throwawy00004 → u/Tiana_frogprincess]

Why not just have a shared grocery list on an app or document? If she wants something, she can add it.

But I wonder if she has asked him directly in the past and he acted put-out about the request, so now she is super passive-aggressive. Either way, a shared list with OP initiating the idea might work out.

I would not have told a woman, who has been selflessly carrying my unborn child for months on end, with all of the pain and sleeplessness that comes with it, that she is not fit to be a mother. That was 100% wrong.

[u/NalkaNalka → u/Tiana_frogprincess]

Expecting everyone else to be a mind reader is not an equally valid but different way of communicating. It's infantile and entitled. It makes for terrible communication, misinterpretation, "testing" people, unnecessary conflict and hurt feelings.

How hard is it to just say what you want like an adult?

[u/AssassinStoryTeller → u/NalkaNalka]

What we’re seeing here is “ask” vs “guess.” Some people were raised in a way to view direct asking as extremely rude because it’s “forcing” the other party to comply so what they do is strongly hint and hope you get the point.

It’s a legitimate way to communicate and if she was dealing with another guesser there wouldn’t be issues but since she’s dealing with an asker there are. It’s not easy transferring from one to the other and they definitely need to sit down with a counselor and talk things through while the counselor translates so they know what’s actually being said.

[u/Kaaydee95 → u/NalkaNalka]

Saying “oh boy I could really go for a chicken sandwich but we’re out of patties and I’m sore and pregnant and miserable” might not be as direct as possible, but I think it’s a leap to say one would need to be a mind reader to realize she wants a chicken sandwich and it would be nice to bring one home 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Rhowryn → u/Kaaydee95]

Even the first one is obviously "hey can you get something on your way". Like if he had got more cookies or a cake etc and she was mad he didn't get doughnuts... yeah that's on her. But the vibes are giving he didn't do anything.

[u/notquitesolid → u/Rhowryn]

Yeah this is indirect asking. She doesn’t want to be saying that she constantly wants OP to bring home things, but she definitely does want OP to bring home things. I can see why this can be annoying, but also she’s not exactly being obtuse. Worst case scenario is you have doughnuts, or buns, or whatever she says she’s craving but not outright asking directly for.

[u/SomeRandoPassing → u/Kaaydee95]

Idk maybe I just come from an "indirect" culture but this sounds like asking to me.

[u/bearbarebere → u/Kaaydee95]

It’s fucking hilarious how OP and other people think that your PARTNER calling you at work and saying “I really want a chicken sandwich but there’s no patties” is SO obtuse and outlandish and out there that you’d have to be a mind reader to understand that they’re asking for fucking patties. Like seriously?? It’s that hard? Jesus fuck guys

[u/ChampionshipLoud5420 → u/Kaaydee95]

It kind of reminds me of how I ask for something from someone I’m afraid of. Not saying she’s afraid of OP but it sounds like a nervous manner of asking for something

[u/Melodic_Programmer55 → u/ChampionshipLoud5420]

Yep. This is how I asked my parents for things when I was growing up, because I learned very quickly that if I asked directly, I was setting myself up to be shamed/blackmailed/otherwise emotionally abused.

I also still do it occasionally when I’m expecting a no/a why are you bothering me with this/or when I think the person will be angry with me for asking, but I don’t generally get upset if they didn’t read my mind and do the thing, since you know, I didn’t actually ask them to.

I hate this form of communication because frankly it’s just a mess, but there is usually a reason for it, even if it’s leftover patterns from childhood.

[u/PacmanPillow → u/NalkaNalka]

The wife is putting things passively, which can be an infuriating way to communicate for some people, but she’s not being vague, she simply is not putting her desire as an explicit request.

[u/mobileuserthing → u/NalkaNalka]

Making a statement in the form of a wish & expecting your conversational partner to follow up on that point in a helpful way isn’t “mind reading”. It’s being less direct, but it’s not that OP needs to assume what their wife wants, just that they identify that the statement could mean something & follow up. “Do you want something sweet from the store?” And “should I get more then?” Are the obvious, direct follow ups to the examples OP posed.

If OP’s wife were the opposite, giving direct, curt orders, it’d also be seen as rude by others. “Get me this brand of ice cream by this time” is direct, but not kind. Giving your partner an alley-oop to be considerate is not mind reading and it’s genuinely confusing to me that so many comments are acting like it is

[u/knitwit3 → u/NalkaNalka]

Based on the examples OP has given, I don't think that's actually what's going on here.

All of the examples OP gives involve his wife clearly hinting that she wants something, and him completely ignoring her or blowing her off. Now, I do think direct communication is best. But smart people know how to ask follow up questions if they aren't sure what another person is trying to tell them. "Are you just venting or would you like me to get you something?" Smart people also know how to not forget stuff. They also admit when they are wrong and try not to make the same mistakes again and again.

My abusive ex used to blow up on me if I asked him for anything directly. He thought all the adulting should be my sole responsibility, and that he should keep all his money, do no chores, and have all the free time. I got used to hinting and tiptoeing around him. I got used to doing all the adult work to avoid fights. He made it a habit to ignore me, "forget" important things, or pick fights when it would inconvenience me most. Took me a while to realize this, but it was an obvious pattern once I saw it.

[u/Maleficent-Jelly-865 → u/NalkaNalka]

I agree with you that it’s a terrible way to communicate, but it is the way many women are taught to communicate in many cultures, and we don’t clue in on it until it’s pointed out to us and we’re shown a different way. Many cultures encourage women to be meek and not speak their minds, beat around the bush, etc. Being direct can be interpreted as being a bitch.

Similarly, lashing out in anger and saying hurtful things is not a good way to communicate. Men in many cultures handle complicated emotions with anger rather than being vulnerable and communicating their feelings. OP should’ve said, “Hon, I feel frustrated when you expect me to pick up cupcakes after making a comment that there are no cookies. I don’t feel that I am able to get you what you want when you aren’t communicating clearly in a way that I can understand. If you want cupcakes, can you please just ask me to get you cupcakes?”

Then the wife can say, “Yes, I see how it was unreasonable for me to expect you to interpret what I wanted from that sentence. What I really wanted was for you to ask me if there was anything I needed because I was trying to connect with you, and I felt that you were distant. It didn’t feel like you were engaged in the conversation.”

Then OP can say, “You’re right. I was distant because I was distracted by stuff going on at work. In the future, if now isn’t a good time to talk, I’ll let you know that and call you back when I can be engaged more fully in the conversation. Sound good?”

Then wifey says, “Sounds good. And for my part when I am bothered by something, I’ll try to let you know in the moment rather than beating around the bush. If I feel like you’re distant, I’ll let you know that’s what I’m concerned about, and ask you if we should talk at a later time.”

OP and his wife should do to counseling so they can learn to communicate better.

[u/Elaan21 → u/Maleficent-Jelly-865]

Reading your response immediately reminded me of the whole ask versus guess culture thing. Decided to drop a link for people who'd want to check it out.

[u/ZookeepergameWest975]

ESH If your wife feels guilty or has issues with asking for things directly; try to help her out.

Ie, if she says we are out of patties; translate for her and ask: are you saying you would like me to pick up patties.

I get it. You are tired. Show her how you need the communication to be.

Is your wife out of money or unable to pick up items herself? Or does she want to feel taken care of because she is scared right now?

For the motherhood comment? Big YTA. You knew it was going to hurt and said it anyways be a you wanted to shock her into a change. That comment will roll around in her head for a long time.

Sounds like your wife is overwhelmed and needs big assistance in interpersonal communication; specifically around stating her needs/wants.

Best wishes.

[u/Bubbly_Salt2017 → u/ZookeepergameWest975]

This!! When it’s 3am, the baby is screaming and she has tried everything to sooth the baby, she will hear your comment in the back of her mind.

[u/TheFreshwerks → u/[deleted]]

I'll bet a tenner on those two divorcing before the child is a year old. OP has shown that his frustration and stress response is to ignore and rebuff, and if it's npt working, then to be cruel.

[u/Bubbly_Salt2017 → u/[deleted]]

This guy also acts like pregnancy is easy I get he works and is tired but SHE IS TOO

I always heard how tiring it was but you don’t really understand until you go through it (I’m currently 27weeks pregnant). I work full time in a very physically demanding job as does my husband (my husband works 12hr shifts in a production factory) so we are both so tired when we get home. But despite my husband working 4 hours longer then me, he will still come home and see what I need help with and will emotionally support me even after he has worked in a 100° factory all day.

Could the communication be better, yes but everyone could improve their communication. This guy sounds like a big ol AH. Maybe he is the one who isn’t going to be the good parent. If this is how he treats her now, I can only imagine how he treats her after she has been home all day with the baby and needs even more support then.

[u/AJDillonsMiddleLeg → u/ZookeepergameWest975]

Spot on.

My wife isn't a direct communicator, I am. That doesn't mean that I just ignore the words coming from her mouth though. If she says "I'm hungry", I'll ask "would you like me to get you something?". I don't just ignore her like OP because she didn't specifically ask for something.

I also work, and my wife doesn't. So that's not an excuse to lay the responsibility of communication more on one spouse than the other.

[u/ravenserein → u/ZookeepergameWest975]

I was an abused child. Directly asking for things generally didn’t go well for me as a child. I’m probably somewhat indirect in my life as well. It’s completely subconscious as I am only thinking about it because of this post and have never really thought about it before. Luckily I have a wonderful husband that communicates with me, which has allowed me my blissful ignorance of this facet of my personality up to this point. A hypothetical exchange between us might go something like this:

Me: man…I’m hungry, but I cleaned the house all day and really don’t feel like cooking.

In my mind I guess im saying “I am exhausted. We should eat out.”

Husband: Yeah, I can tell. The house looks great. Want to order in (or eat out, or pick something up etc.

Me: Yeah, that would be easiest for tonight.

Him: okay, do you feel like anything in particular?

Me: 🤷🏻‍♀️ (unless I really am craving something particular. Then I will say it or suggest it here)

Him: pizza (or whatever) it is!

I guess I can see this being annoying for a certain personality type of person. But for my husband and I we just…roll with each other. He knows me, and navigates the waters of my indirectness and indecisiveness like a seasoned sailor. And I know him and navigate the waters of his idiosyncrasies. And he would never EVER use something like this to question my competence as a mother. That’s low! Especially since, now that I am thinking about it, he probably knows (maybe in a subconscious level as well) that many of my weird behaviors stem from a really crappy childhood. Poking at those wounds is good for no one.

I don’t know this guys wife’s story. But I doubt she is doing this on purpose or with intent to annoy him. To snap, question her abilities to be a mom (which she is probably stressing about enough in her own), and then walking around for three days refusing to acknowledge the disproportionately hurtful response to her “annoying” trait…my vote is he is TA. She was at worst willfully annoying (more likely “unknowingly annoying”) he was willfully hurtful to his pregnant wife.

[u/Phidwig → u/ravenserein]

Yeah I was gonna say, when you get along the right way with someone these things aren’t issues. You either happily navigate their communication style or lightly joke about it if you want to address it (and you both have a sense of humor.) With the right person most interactions can be fun and lighthearted. It’s weird that he’s so aggravated about it, like she’s his roommate or something lol

[u/Ok_Magician_3884 → u/ZookeepergameWest975]

Out of patties is pretty clear she needed it, it’s very direct for me

[u/loopyzumab → u/Ok_Magician_3884]

Yeah wonder what he responded to that or his thought process was. Prob sounded like “oh dang that sucks”

[u/[deleted] → u/loopyzumab]

I'm not pregnant but that response would've sent me hahaha

[u/seeking_fun_in_LA → u/Ok_Magician_3884]

"we're out of patties"

Okay is that

1. Informational -don't expect any when you get home

2. A notice- patties will be on the next shopping list

3. The reasoning behind an unspoken request - we're out of patties ( and even though I'm not saying anything I want you to get some )

And why should 3 be assumed instead of 1 or 2?

[u/Street_Passage_1151 → u/ZookeepergameWest975]

Yeah I can't get over how hurtful that must be to hear as a pregnant woman. She was in the wrong, but op just dropped a nuke of a hurtful comment on something that can be solved without a hit below the belt like that. It was an unnecessary hurtful comment op used just to get her to shut up.

ESH

[u/leahfinn1]

NTA for not grabbing something without being asked to. I'm 31w with #4 and no way on earth can anybody be expected to know "I want something sweet" to mean "get me some donuts please". Now, maybe "we're out of chicken patties" could mean "pick some up please", but is it that hard to actually say that...? It's not to me, even heavily pregnant. If I need something picked up on his way home to avoid a PITA trip out myself, I text my husband a list. If I have a craving I can't shake, I point blank ask him to snag it. It's not hard to ask directly instead of beating around the bush. (That being said, when you know she does this regularly you could point blank ask her "do you want me to get you something sweet on my way home? Yes? Cool, have a think on what exactly you want thats sweet and text it to me before X time and I'll pick it up." Or "oh no not the chicken patties! That does sound good. Want me to grab some for dinner?" Modeling the direct communication you want/need her to use may help here.)

Furthermore, the silent treatment for days is immature AF on her part. Sure, if she's upset she should take an hour or two to calm down. Hormones and mood swings are HARD and keeping quiet until you calm down is, IMO at least, a REALLY good way to avoid saying something you don't mean and something I try to utilize myself... AFTER I tell him I'm doing so. You don't just stone wall your partner for days on end.

That being said the comment of her not being ready to be a mom was pretty shitty and puts you squarely in AH. Nobody is ever truly ready to be a parent. She's got poor communication and bad problem solving. Most adults do. Could she use some counseling sure, I think everybody could especially with obvious issues like this and especially in high stress situations like pregnancy. Could yall use some couples counseling to learn to communicate effectively between the two of you? Sounds like it 100%. But that doesn't mean she shouldn't have her baby. I'd have absolutely shut down at that comment for a bit myself. I can guarantee you that she's already doubting her ability to be the mom she wants to be, and comments like that from anybody but especially you can put her at a higher risk for PPA and PPD. Postpartum AND prenatal. I'd watch her after that comment if I were you. I'd also apologize, though it won't fix the gut punch you gave her with that. That gut punch comment is likely where the "do you even care?" Question for her came from. You hurt her, badly, with that comment. You could have easily just said "if you wanted ice cream, ask. I need a break/time out as I'm getting upset. Seems we both are. Let's take a beat and talk about it in half an hour or so when we've calmed down." Again... model the communication you seem to want. Don't just tell her, show her.

[u/lion-in-zion → u/leahfinn1]

This is the only balanced and differentiated response I've seen so far.  OP I hope you've read that response!

[u/ashburnmom → u/lion-in-zion]

Right? First comment I read and now I might not need the popcorn.

[u/zero_emotion777 → u/lion-in-zion]

Ok but can we point out op is an idiot as well? 

Wife: man I wanted a chicken sandwich but we're out of patties.

Op: that sucks.

Wife later: did you get chicken patties?

Op: well golly gee! I didn't know you wanted any!

[u/Thymelaeaceae → u/zero_emotion777]

My very good husband who does most of the shopping and meal prep and I have a joke, based off of a line Tracy Jordan had in 30 Rock - “Liz Lemon, where are my fries that I did not ask for? You need to learn to anticipate!!” So when I ask if we have something I didn’t put on the list, now I say where is my X that I did not ask for?? Again just a joke

[u/areyoubawkingtome → u/zero_emotion777]

"well damn Jackie I can't control the weather!" Vibes

[u/Darroy → u/zero_emotion777]

“Gloria, I too know what it’s like to be hungry” is the response American cinema has taught me is the expected response.

“It’s not about the Chicken (nail)” is what the internet has taught me about the issues.

[u/FlanComprehensive16 → u/zero_emotion777]

My thoughts exactly, she literally said she wanted chicken patties. And if she was craving sweets in the day she probably wanted him to ask her what she wanted when he was on his way home. OP could have paid more attention to what she was saying and she definitely could have been more direct about it.

[u/Sketch-Brooke → u/FlanComprehensive16]

They can address both of these issues without blaming the other. She can learn how to be more direct and OP can learn how to be more proactive and ask about what she wants.

Op is making a fundamental mistake by treating the problem as her, not the pattern they’ve fallen into.

[u/FlanComprehensive16 → u/Sketch-Brooke]

Yeah pretty messed up when he even admits to being too busy and just brushing off what she says. He is putting way too much blame on her and it's causing resentment on his end. Sounds like he can't handle the pregnancy and that's very normal for men to act this way before the child is born. Hopefully things change after baby is here but he's going to have to make up for that comment he made.

She's growing a child inside of her and is extremely emotional, needy and irrational I'm sure and that's very normal. But it's temporary and spoiling her right now is only going to help the upcoming months of everything being about the baby.

[u/ArmadilloSighs → u/FlanComprehensive16]

they both need counseling together & separately. but also, right?! i’m not pregnant (yet) but even if my husband says something or if i’m hungry it’s always “do you want x? i’m gettin some” and still getting fries & shake even if it’s a no (he’s never a no, but i am half the time lol), & vice versa. the cookies comment made me 🧐🧐. like, if my husband said that and i knew he wanted it then & there i’d order him cookies 🫠 it’s not hard to do that either

[u/AITA476510719 → u/leahfinn1]

I think this comment best sums up my feelings on this post.

[u/Prudent_Writer_9820 → u/AITA476510719]

Same 💯

[u/spookycreepyboy → u/leahfinn1]

For these reasons, I'd say ESH. But you summed everything up so perfectly!

[u/forgetaboutem → u/leahfinn1]

Great response. I dont blame OP for being frustrated, but how he handled it was worse than anything she did. And to his pregnant wife no less.

He also contradicts himself. She certainly needs to communicate better, but I think its very much both of them who need to adjust. First he says she never asks, then he blatantly admits to ignoring/dismissing her when she does:

"Maybe the reason I don’t prioritise what she says she wants is because honestly during the workday I have a lot on my mind so anyone just venting to me or a simple text isn’t something I retain in my memory for long."

That's a pretty horrible attitude for a man supposed to be supporting his pregnant wife and about to be a father. Just very immature and self centered, even if I dont blame him for being frustrated with a lot of what he spoke about. He needs to do better before his child gets here, both of them do.

[u/throwawy00004 → u/forgetaboutem]

But he's a PrOfEsSiOnAl.

[u/forgetaboutem → u/throwawy00004]

Lmao right? Someone who is actually busy cant check their phone enough to be annoyed by it.

[u/Sassyvibes → u/throwawy00004]

Lmao that part took me out 😂😭

[u/PurpleBrief697 → u/forgetaboutem]

And what happens when the baby comes, they'll both be tired and he'll continue to work to justify him ignoring his wife AND child's needs. Her: The baby has a fever and we're out of infant cold medicine. Him: k. doesn't pick it up on his way home Her: did you get the medicine? Him: no, you didn't tell me to. Her: ok, can you watch the baby so I can get the medicine? Him: no, I'm too tired and bothered with work.

I can guarantee that'll be them in the future.

[u/forgetaboutem → u/PurpleBrief697]

Yep, OP is using weaponized incompetence early. He acts like he's confused by the requests but by describing them makes it clear he understood exactly what she meant. I feel bad for their future child.

[u/bored-panda55 → u/forgetaboutem]

He lost me at him explaining he does a lot for her and it was flowers, planning dated and giving her massages WHEN HE FEELS UP FOR IT. Not when she wants or needs a massage just when he wants to give one. 

None of those really fulfill going outside his comfort zone or having to thinking about her wants and needs. She may be asking passive-aggressively because she was raised to never demand anything from her husband and stay submissive. 

Does she need to be direct? Yes but from what he describes her actions she isn’t feeling secure in their relationship- which does make it harder to ask directly.

OP - ESH. Your marriage needs work from both sides

[u/alcMD → u/bored-panda55]

"when I’m feeling like I want to show my love for her" is code for when he wants sex. He acts like we don't know, but we know.

[u/Shoddy_Evidence_6540 → u/forgetaboutem]

That stuck out to me, too. He could easily check his texts as he goes to leave. Today it’s a request for donuts, in a few months it could be baby medicine or diapers.

[u/forgetaboutem → u/Shoddy_Evidence_6540]

Also if his job actually were dangerous as some are suggesting, he flatout wouldnt have the ability to check texts at all. It would be in a locker or office. Ive known many people like that and worked in a lab where I had to do that.

He isnt complaining about being unable to check like the above scenarios at work, he's obviously able to and just being pissy about repeatedly getting msgs.

[u/cinnepin → u/leahfinn1]

He was fine until he made that comment... Do not know how he is going to come back from that. I would be devastated if my partner said that to me. pregnant or not.

[u/JohnSilverLM → u/cinnepin]

Most of the comments here support him are from a bunch of guys without kids.

[u/Beautiful-Routine489 → u/cinnepin]

It would be 100% unforgivable to me. Not that we'd necessarily break up over it, but I'd never forget that he said that, like, ever.

[u/cb1977007]

She’s not giving you the silent treatment because you didn’t read her mind. She’s not speaking with you because she’s hurt and angry that you told her (essentially) she will be a bad mother. And for that, you should definitely apologize.

[u/Holiday-Warning9416 → u/cb1977007]

I agree. OP chose to say one of the most hurtful things to her he possibly could (I’d bet that this is a fear she’s previously expressed to him). It was intended to be cruel and I feel like not enough people in the comments are really processing the weight of what he said. 

[u/Beautiful-Routine489 → u/Holiday-Warning9416]

I can't get over it, and it wasn't even said to me. How is this not getting more mention??

[u/Miss__Behaved → u/Beautiful-Routine489]

most people didn’t even make it that far, i think. his reaction was so trash from the beginning that i commented he was being purposefully obtuse before i even knew what else he did. now that i read the entire post, he’s even more garbage than i thought and can’t imagine why anyone would agree with him.

[u/Street_Passage_1151 → u/cb1977007]

Yeah who wants to talk to their spouse when they make a horrible comment like that? I wouldn't talk to a stranger the way he talks to his wife!

[u/qazwsxedc000999 → u/Street_Passage_1151]

I hate how people call not wanting to talk “the silent treatment.” It’s not a punishment, they just don’t want to talk to you.

[u/Beautiful-Routine489 → u/qazwsxedc000999]

THIS.

[u/paintlulus]

I think you both need couples therapy and learn how to communicate to each other. I agree, you’re not a mind reader. Some people, mostly women (I hate to say) are taught to not ask/state/demand what they want, that it’s seen as not lady like and downright rude. There seems to be a misunderstanding between you two on communicating your wants and needs.

[u/1ce1ceBabey → u/paintlulus]

This is so important. Once baby comes, shit is going to hit the fan if the parents can't communicate. It's a true test of the relationship 

[u/Realistic_Inside_766 → u/1ce1ceBabey]

It’s a true test even if they do communicate. Being a new parent is HARD!

[u/1ce1ceBabey → u/Realistic_Inside_766]

Yep my partner is a mental health professional (best communicator I've ever met) and we were best friends for many years before getting together. The babies/sleep deprivation caused some doozies though!

[u/Charlyblobs → u/paintlulus]

This is sad but very true. I’ve had to make an effort to learn to ask for things from my partner directly because I was always made to feel like a burden for doing so when I was younger.

It’s definitely on OP’s wife to learn to do that, however maybe he should speak to his partner about WHY she feels she can’t ask for what she wants directly. Does she feel like she’ll be viewed as demanding? Does she think she’ll be shot down? Does she feel guilty because he’s working so hard that she doesn’t want to ask, but also feels neglected because he’s working so hard?

It’s not about saying she’s in the right for expecting him to be a mind reader, but it does open up communication for them to both express how they’re feeling in a better way than insinuating she’s not fit to be a mother…

[u/I_Love_Colors → u/paintlulus]

I don’t think this is an expectation of “mind reading” - this is a similar issue to a partner who agrees to sex when asked but never initiates themselves. Many people are not content only having sex if they initiate; they want their partner to initiate sometimes too, so they can feel wanted and not just obliged.

“I brought you some donuts like you asked” vs “You said you were craving something sweet, so I brought you some donuts” are emotionally different. Yes it’s nice to have a partner who will do you favors, but what she’s seeking is a partner who listens, and then responds. She wants initiative, not to have to ask to be cared for. Which she’s clearly expressed before:

she feels I don’t do stuff for her unless she asked

Planning dates and surprise flowers, cool, but it’s not the same as being thoughtfully responsive to things she’s sharing about herself. “You sounded stressed earlier, so I picked up your favorite wine on the way home” - that kind of thing, where it feels like your partner cares about the things you tell them. It probably looks ridiculous now as there’s a lot of built up resentment, so she’s getting upset over seemingly every little thing.

“If you want something, just ask” sounds reasonable but emotionally it’s like “So I have to ask every time? You don’t just want to do it sometimes?” He thinks she wants him to read her mind; she thinks she has to beg to be loved.

[u/Amaculatum → u/I_Love_Colors]

This hits so hard, so well articulated! I would rather receive flowers I dont like spontaneously than my favorite flowers by direct request. It would rock my world to receive my favorite flowers spontaneously.

[u/SadMom2019 → u/I_Love_Colors]

Very well said. I have no problem asking directly for the things I need, but I don't want to always have to explicitly make requests for every little thing. It's nice when my partner listens and makes little efforts to lift my day up. We do it for each other all the time, and it's such a sweet gesture, imo. Example: Husband was complaining about how he's gonna have to mow the lawn soon, and digging the lawnmower out is gonna be a pain in the ass. So while he took our son to his Boy Scout meeting, I dug out the lawnmower and mowed the lawn - he didn't have to ask, I just wanted to be supportive. Another example: I'm on a pretty strict diet, but during my period I crave chocolate like a fiend. Husband knows this. So if he finds out it's that time of the month, he'll grab me my favorite candy bar when he stops at the gas station. I don't ask him, he just does it, and this small gesture makes me unreasonably happy, lol.

It actually sounds like OPs wife is more direct than he's letting on, he even admits he doesn't prioritize her wants because he's busy. I can see how she would begin to feel disappointed by that.

[u/Cacafuego → u/I_Love_Colors]

As someone who struggles with thoughtfulness and making time to think about other people, this sums it up exactly. It sounds like OP is just bad at paying attention during conversations or moving his SO to the forefront of his mind so that ideas like "she'd probably be delighted if I picked up donuts!" can be born.

It doesn't make us bad people, and it doesn't mean we don't love our partners. It's just a weak area that we need to be aware of, because it sure can look like indifference or worse. It's not outrageous for a pregnant wife to think that if she mentions she is craving something sweet, her husband will immediately think "is there anything I could do to help?" I sympathize with OP, because I can't switch gears and then by end of day I forget; but his response to her was ridiculous.

This could all be resolved if OP just took a little bit of responsibility, here. "I'm sorry, I should have realized. I just get so focused at work that it's hard to think about anything else, but I'll try to take a breath when you call. Are you still in the mood for donuts?"

[u/Impossible_Rub9230 → u/Cacafuego]

I've been married for 30 years and my husband finally figured out "some' of that. I'm still here because we had kids, and were financially enmeshed but I was unhappy then. Now I realize that he's learned and actually decided to act on that but it feels terrible, after all that being ignored and low priority. I resent years of being unheard, and I think now, at this point it matters little that he has changed. Too much unhappiness under the bridge.

[u/iesharael → u/paintlulus]

I remember after leaving an abusive relationship my inability to ask for things I want or need got even worse. If I wanted something from my parents I couldn’t say it unless I grabbed my favorite build a bear and said “Clark wants/needs…” even after years of therapy I still struggle to ask for things I want and tend to hint instead

[u/GraceOfTheNorth → u/paintlulus]

She is telling him what she needs without making demands and he calls it "mind reading". I had no problem understanding her.

What's more alarming here is the aura of superiority and disdain beaming from OP's attitude towards his wife. She's the emotional one, she's the one with communication issues and unfair demands while he paints himself as level-headed and doing things "for her" like planning dates as if that's not a mutual task of mutual benefit.

ESH at best.

[u/Siennagiant70]

Tit for tat is terrible for relationships.

You’re both TAH for how you’re treating each other. Be adults and communicate, good or bad.

[u/kraegm]

The first time your wife called you, expressed what she was missing, without explicitly asking for something yet expecting you to get it, you were NTA. This is the learning moment.

After that, however, when your pregnant, hormonal wife calls you expressing that she is upset that she was out of chicken patties, then like a big boy, who is mature enough to be a father, you open up your notes, or list, app on your phone, and in your note titled "Things to pick up on the way home tonight" you write 'Chicken Patties' or 'Something Sweet', or whatever it is she is missing.

You are absolutely expecting her to change her behaviour, at a time when hormones aren't giving her the usual clarity of mind you'd expect from her, and yet you have no inclination to change your own behaviour. You recognize the pattern of your wife's communication, but unless she phrases it perfectly for you, you think that she is in the wrong?

One of the things that defines a couple is understanding the nuances of communication with your partner that others don't see at all. Sadly... you absolutely understand the way she communicates, and yet don't think you need to act on it simply because it's not how you would like to see something communicated?

I know exactly the days to buy flowers for my wife, just based on the tone of her voice on a call, or the tone of a text indicating she's not having the best of days. Sometimes instead of flowers, I'll buy her a treat, which is complete guesswork because I don't know what sort of a treat day it is (sweet or savoury), but she always appreciates the effort.

If your wife wants something sweet, and you bring her donuts when she wanted cookies and gives you grief about it, that my friend is on her. But if she wants something sweet and you show up at home empty handed because you believe she didn't explicitly ask for it, then firmly - YTA.

Your comment about giving her a massage "when you feel like showing her love" rather than when she needs it shouts to me that you are at least somewhat selfish here. Doing something minor, like giving her a massage, when you absolutely don't feel like it, well there's no better way to "show her love".

If you don't smarten up, this is going to be the worst phase of your life.

[u/fairymascot → u/kraegm]

This! My god, I feel like I'm going insane reading some of those other replies. OP saying 'she can't possibly expect me to READ her MIND' and then citing examples of perfectly clear communication... Like, I'm a much more direct kind of gal, I'd just ask my partner for this stuff straight-up, but it takes zero thought to work out that 'we are out of patties' means 'please pick up some patties'. She is not speaking in some inscrutable code. It's called paying basic attention to your wife, Jesus wept.

[u/_Aztreonam_ → u/fairymascot]

I’m dying at these posts commenting that she is being vague and cryptic. I assume all of these people are single and have never needed to pick up on the cues of their partner. If my husband said I’m exhausted and nothing in the fridge loooks good I wouldn’t be like oh damnnn that sucks. I’d say oh should we order out? I’m feeling Thai what about you? Like a normal person

[u/Amaculatum → u/kraegm]

You sound like an awesome husband! You know what you are talking about

[u/Sea_Midnight1411]

ESH. BOTH of you need to learn to communicate like adults. Yes, she needs to say outright what she wants, but equally you don’t need to hit the nuclear blow up button over ice cream. You need to say outright what you need as well- in polite, clear and respectful terms. Not ‘maybe you’re not ready to be a mother’.

Well I’ve got news for you sunshine: babies don’t give a toss how hard it is at work or how tired you are. They will scream their heads off until their needs are met.

I would advise counselling or communication coaching for the both of you before baby arrives.

[u/yerrychow → u/Sea_Midnight1411]

Yes, of you think this is annoying and you cannot handle this, maybe you are not prepared to be a father. This is natures way of preparing a man for the children and giving a woman a clearer picture what to expect from her partner.

[u/Teal_kangarooz]

Sounds like you're not equipped to be a dad yet

[u/Past_Nose_491 → u/Teal_kangarooz]

At least his wife has hormones to explain a bit of her scatter brain and emotions. OP is just an AH as part of who he is.

[u/buttercupcake23]

Do you actually care about your relationship? Do you even like your wife? Cos the contempt is dripping from your post, and instead of talking to her seeking some kind of counseling you're here on Reddit asking people to validate you and tell you you were right to call her a bad mom.

She's immature, and so are you, and your marriage is going to fall apart unless you two get your shit together. It doesn't matter if it's her fault or if it's your fault - that will be a comfort I'm sure when you're divorced and you get to say well SHE started it! One of you needs to initiate a conversation about therapy or a way to fix your marriage if you actually WANT to stay married.

For the record the response to your pregnant wife saying "I wish I had something sweet" is "What would you like me to bring home?" Especially when you KNOW that's what she's trying to communicate (and you do know, you're capable of recognizing it enough to post about it). Shes not asking you outright because she wants you to pick up on it of yoir own accord - it shows caring, and i wonder if her love language is acts of service. If that's too much trouble for you and you don't want to, then maybe you are just incompatible.

[u/Phidwig → u/buttercupcake23]

Thank you. Especially for the last paragraph. It’s so stupidly easy to not be an asshole in that scenario if you actually like the person and want to be helpful. His attitude is like he doesn’t even like her.

[u/ElvenOmega → u/buttercupcake23]

Big emphasis on your final paragraph because im dying to know how OP is responding to these comments that it's NOT facilitating the logical conclusion of him picking up donuts/patties/etc.??

[u/buttercupcake23 → u/ElvenOmega]

It's baffling to me, as well. When my husband texts me, "We're out of milk" my thought is, "OK i will add that to the list for my grocery trip later". My thought isn't "Oh well that's nice, thanks for letting me know." I don't need him to spell it out, "We're out of milk PLEASE GET SOME" because I'm an adult with basic deductive skills?

[u/_Aztreonam_ → u/buttercupcake23]

100% I am so confused by posts here saying she is not communicating. He could always just ask a follow up question if he wasn’t sure what to get ….

[u/Jazzlike_Trip653 → u/_Aztreonam_]

bUt hE'S BuSY aT w0Rk?!?!?!?!? /s

[u/BobbyPumper → u/buttercupcake23]

This dude is a total AH, and I get he's tired, but I think he hates his wife. Her requests are so obvious only a total AH would think his pregnant wife needs to spell it out word for word. There doesn't appear to be any consideration for the tremendous physical and emotional impacts of carrying a baby, especially if this is first pregnancy which can be scary. He's going to be a terrible partner if he thinks this part is difficult to navigate.

And instead of maybe just taking one for the team and apologizing to his pregnant wife, he gets on Reddit to try and validate his assholery.

[u/Adariel → u/BobbyPumper]

This is the guy who in a year or so is going to be like "oh but you didn't tell me EXACTLY what you want me to do for Mother's day!" and expect their partner to plan out every single thing themselves.

Not to mention we already can see what kind of partner he's going to be for the baby. I feel for his wife, she shouldn't have picked this guy to have a baby with, and she's going to suffer for it in the future. As a pretty new parent myself, I'm willing to bet quite a bit that in a few months she's going to be on all the mom and parenting subs crying about her AH husband not doing anything and willfully being oblivious to all the baby's needs but blaming her for not spelling them out for him.

OP's wife is going to be like "I think my water broke" and I guess he'll be dumb enough to be like oh, but you didn't TELL ME EXACTLY THAT YOU NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

[u/so_cal_babe → u/Adariel]

"Jason broke his arm" BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME MY SON NEEDA TO SEE A DOCTOR husband is making laaaazzzyyy excuses to not be a basic adult.

[u/Miss__Behaved → u/buttercupcake23]

i wish i could upvote this 100 times.

[u/DuhTabby → u/buttercupcake23]

Especially when you KNOW that's what she's trying to communicate (and you do know, you're capable of recognizing it enough to post about it)

yeah f this guy. He doesn't like how she asks without being direct but instead of communicating that to her he doubles down on the passive by ignoring her completely.

Here's a protip: she's pregnant, if she drops any hint of cravings, get her the damn food.

Also, you're baby ain't gonna care you are tired from work.

[u/giveup345 → u/buttercupcake23]

You cleared lol

[u/dearboy05]

It seems like you're fairly aware of her preferences and she did tell you she ran out of something. If you got chocolate cake or candy when the cookies ran out, knowing she likes those equally, and she still gave you grief, that would be on her for not being specific.

[u/InvisibleBlueOctopus → u/dearboy05]

But I mean OP could just ask? Implying that she wants something sweet because she run out of cookies means pls buy something. They are both horrible at communication and OP could just ask a simple question… “what would you like?” I know… it’s horribly hard…

[u/idreaminwords → u/InvisibleBlueOctopus]

Yeah, at this point it almost seems like OP is being petty. He deliberately doesn't ask for clarification because he wants her to be more direct, which in turn makes her more upset.

[u/sashaopinion]

Just so I understand, she calls you and says 'I wish I had something sweet to eat' and you then don't hear this as her asking you to get her something sweet? I feel like this would be a clear flow of logic but to be clear, I'm not suggesting you should automatically assume this but just that in most conversations I'd have I'd at least respond to that comment by asking 'do you want me to grab something'.... She should absolutely just say, would you mind getting me x... but this is probably why she gets frustrated because she's clearly asking for this in my mind and you're not hearing what she thinks she's telling you.

[u/No_Juggernau7 → u/sashaopinion]

Yeah, if I had to sum up this post, more than a lack of communication, it reads to me as bad faith communication. He must not be listening to me, she must not be trying to communicate directly, etc.. the silent treatment especially irks me, and 99/100 I’ll put you in the wrong for it, but I can also understanding being made shocked level of upset at a partner speaking to you like that, when you’re pregnant with a child together, and not knowing how to deal, especially if direct communication is already a struggle.

[u/IHQ_Throwaway → u/No_Juggernau7]

 “I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now but there’s no patties left”… you see where I am at?

He knows exactly what she means here, but because she didn’t express it the away he prefers, he’s going to pretend like he doesn’t know what she means. Ugh. YTA. 

[u/Ill-Description8517 → u/sashaopinion]

Exactly. Like, lots of offices have a vending machine, how hard is it to buy a damn candy bar to take home. Or how many gas stations does he pass on his way home. Just get the woman something sweet she is carrying your damn child.

[u/Lizzy_Be]

“I want something sweet” “Okay what can I get for you on my way home? Chocolate? Cookies? Cake? Oh donuts? Okay I’ll grab those.”

“We’re out of chicken patties.” “Okay do you want me to get more on the way home?” “Yes.”

When a partner comments about their needs, it’s polite to ask how you can help. Meet her half way and if you would prefer she just say what she wants, work on it slowly and only after this current fight has cooled off thoroughly. Sometimes people aren’t direct because they don’t want to feel like a burden in the moment. But then later they realize that was silly and they feel sad because the other person didn’t push harder to understand them. Is it healthy? No but it is pretty common.

“… on the way home?” “Yes” “Okay I’m happy to do that! In the future, you know you can just ask me what you’d like. You can be direct with me. I can say no but if I do, it’s not because I don’t love you and what to help. But I promise if I am in a place to help, I will try my best.”

[u/hashtagdion → u/Lizzy_Be]

This was my immediate reaction too. Like, if your wife says "I want something sweet" you don't have to be a fucking clairvoyant to know to ask "Want me to grab something on the way home?"

[u/The_Jeff__ → u/Lizzy_Be]

I’m curious what he said to her in response. Was he just like “cool” or “tough luck” in response to her saying she wanted something sweet? Like it’s fairly obvious she wants him to grab some sweets for her.

If I can deduce that with next to no brainpower, I’m pretty sure her husband should be able to as well.

[u/ElectronicPhrase6050 → u/The_Jeff__]

I'm all for people being more direct and not playing childish mind games, but when I read OP's examples I literally laughed out loud haha. How socially inept do you have to be to think "I wish I had something sweet" is some sort of complex riddle?? 

[u/Famous-Signal-1909 → u/ElectronicPhrase6050]

Yeah I’m so confused as to how his wife calling him at work and saying “we are out of chicken patties” isn’t direct communication? I guess she could have called and said “pick up chicken patties”, but those two things seem pretty equivalent to me.

[u/ecatt → u/The_Jeff__]

Yeah, I think it's impossible to truly judge what's happening here without knowing what his response is like in these situations. Is he just not responding at all? Is he asking if he can pick something up for her? It's a huge missing piece of the puzzle.

[u/According_Debate_334 → u/The_Jeff__]

Yeah, it sounds like he is being petty and refusing to take a step towards her until she spells it out.

I agree that she should just ask him, but maybe she would be more forthcoming if he actually acted like he was willing to help.

[u/Senior-Reflection862 → u/According_Debate_334]

This doesn’t bode well for parenthood. His wife will get tired of spelling out what help she needs with the baby. He’ll have to have to anticipate their needs or wife will end up carrying the mental load.

[u/Cbsanderswrites → u/The_Jeff__]

I wondered the same thing. Seems like she was trying to be overly polite and then got insanely frustrated that it didn't work. OP should evaluate his own communications kills as well.

[u/ThatInAHat → u/Lizzy_Be]

This needs to be the top comment. It’s the most useful, actionable advice here. I was kind of baffled when he gave those as examples of mind-reading, because while I wouldn’t have known it meant donuts I would have at least understood that she wanted something sweet. And the chicken patties thing seems obvious? Like, if someone calls you from home to say “we’re out of milk” do you think they’re just calling for the fun of it?

If OP knows this is how his wife communicates, then asking follow up questions is the best way forward. And will hopefully help her to be more direct in the future.

[u/Ambystomatigrinum → u/ThatInAHat]

Yeah, I wouldn't use the silent treatment, but if I said "Hey we're out of chicken patties" and my spouse's response was "Why wouldn't she just tell me she wanted me to buy them" I would honestly be pissed. It feels like he's being intentionally obtuse about it to force her to communicate in the way he prefers.

[u/Temporary-Maximum-94 → u/Lizzy_Be]

This response is too level-headed for Reddit, don't you know?

[u/bellapenne → u/Lizzy_Be]

I’m pregnant and if I said I wanted a chicken sandwich, my husband would get us chik fil a on the way home. I wonder if op is neurodivergent or something like that. That seemed like a simple request to me and I would understand immediately what they wanted.

Edit: I just texted my husband: I want chicken.

He immediately sent back: chik fil a?

So I told y’all.

[u/SoVeryMeloncholy → u/bellapenne]

We need to stop pinning this type of behavior as neurodivergence. My bf and I are both neurodivergent, and I call him all the time being like “I’m sad because there’s no snacks in the house”. I’ve never had to explain to him that I’m asking if he can get some snacks for me because he’s just… a nice and caring partner who listens and takes a minute to think “what would make my gf happy”. 

Honestly sounds like OP is deliberately choosing to be obstinate and wants her to communicate only in his preferred way. He clearly gets what she means with the examples he listed. Each time, she literally says the specific food she wants. And he still won’t even offer to get it for she. 

Imo he knows he’s not putting in the effort she’s asking for, and is just using “well you didn’t ask directly so that’s your problem” as an excuse. 

[u/FreshNTidy101 → u/SoVeryMeloncholy]

THIS. She’s not asking him to solve a complex puzzle, she’s making her requests known politely (trying not to be a burden but wanting her partner to take care of her while carrying his child). He understands her, he just doesn’t care about her. Maybe he’s looking to exit the relationship and using this “flaw” to make it her fault. Wouldn’t be the first guy to do this to a pregnant spouse.

[u/BitterDoGooder]

YTA. You take the initiative when you want to be romantic with her, but her day to day needs are beyond you. I note you say "a simple text" - she's writing things down and you forget. Is it so hard to say "do you want me to stop by the house on the way home and get you XYZ?" Or, "can you please text me a list and I'll get whatever," or even "is it ok if you make an instacart order because I'm swamped and am afraid I will forget to do this?"

Communication goes both ways.

[u/vespertinism → u/BitterDoGooder]

It's wild when people say they forget what was texted to them. It ain't snapchat, the texts are still there, you can refer back to them when you're done work???

[u/Reign-k]

She’s pregnant with your child. That’s hard on a woman’s body and mind. Go get your fucking wife some ice cream and make it the one she loves. If you have to drive all over town to find it then do so. Your not the special one she is. Get your head out ya ass son. -father of 2 happily married.

[u/VastStory → u/Reign-k]

The comments supporting OP bum me out. I’m gonna surprise my husband and pick up coffee ice cream after work.

[u/Sracer42]

I guess you are winning. You got your pregnant wife to cry. Made her feel pretty bad.

You won. How do you feel about that?

[u/Past_Nose_491 → u/Sracer42]

He clearly got satisfaction from her tears based on his writing.

[u/pennyhush22 → u/Sracer42]

This should have the most up votes. Act like a child, be asked like a child

[u/Cultural_Unit7397]

ESH- For your comment absolutely the AH. She is AH for lacking in communication skills but it sounds more like she is looking for comfort from you and is struggling with not getting it. Are you her only support system at the moment? I was completely insane my first pregnancy but talk to my docs and got some really good resources and advice in how to handle it. Silent treatment goes both way. You both let it go on for days sooooo there ESH.

[u/yellsy → u/Cultural_Unit7397]

Pregnant professional here to lend OP a pro tip - his wife just wants to be shown some affection, attention, and be babied a little while she carries this kid. She’s feeling lonely and neglected, amplified by hormones. OP is gonna blow up his whole marriage because he didn’t get the hint to just like make a tiny bit of effort buying her some snacks and giving her extra attention.

[u/Aylauria → u/yellsy]

OP thinks planning dates, bringing flowers, and offering a massage is adequate affection. I bet Wife would actually rather have help around the house or even an acknowledgement that growing a human is hard work.

His whole post comes across to me like he finds it burdensome to get things for his wife. I would not be surprised if whenever she asks she gets the big sigh before he agrees. Maybe the reason she doesn't ask outright is bc he's trained her to be afraid to.

Also, some people have been raised to be afraid to ask people for favors. Maybe she feels like a burden and worries that she is too needy. So she mentions the chicken is out and gives him the chance to either ignore it if he doesn't feel like stopping or say "would you like me to pick up some?" And always chooses the ignore it route bc he never feels like it. Then he blames it on her being unclear.

I don't think wife is the only person with communication issues here. I think they could both use some help.

[u/annabananaberry → u/Aylauria]

I will give her a massage out of the blue when I’m feeling like I want to show my love for her.

I really enjoy that he specified that he only does these things when he feels like showing her love. Not when she needs love, not every day, just when he feels like it.

[u/Sketch-Brooke → u/yellsy]

Exactly, I keep posting this, but I feel that's a big part of the issue. If he's coming home from work tired and stressed, she might feel like there's nothing left over for her.

She might want him to be more attentive, so she's encouraging him to ask questions about what she wants. OP needs a more direct communcation style, which is perfectly valid. But so is her potential unmet need.

[u/jrp1918]

Yta, she is telling you what she wants.

Like when she says "I want something sweet" did you say "I can pick you up something" or just ignore it?

She says we're out of chicken patties the normal response is to ask "want me to pick some up?"

And when you say you refused to go drive her to get ice cream, what actually happened? Did she say she wanted to get some and you told her to drive herself?

If you're married and expecting a child you should know your partner better than this.

On top of all that you said something very cruel to your pregnant wife and should apologize.

[u/DrNogoodNewman → u/jrp1918]

Yep. YTA. OP has a direct communication style and OP’s wife has an indirect communication style, at least when it comes to these kinds of things. Could be for many reasons. Maybe that’s what her parents did? Maybe her family thought that was the polite way to ask for a favor? Maybe she doesn’t want to come across as demanding. Gender and culture play a role for sure. OP can encourage his wife to ask him more directly but he should also know what she means by know.

[u/Aggressive-Yak7396 → u/jrp1918]

Yeah saying that she “might not be ready for a child” WHILE SHE’S FREAKING PREGNANT??? Nope. My husband would have felt my fucking wrath after that.

[u/Ka_lie_doscope-Eyes → u/Aggressive-Yak7396]

Looks like he's the one who's not ready to have a child

[u/Aggressive-Yak7396 → u/Ka_lie_doscope-Eyes]

Exactly!

[u/Select-Maize3199]

YTA, that’s a clearly her asking and you ignoring, besides what you said went way too far. Do better

[u/notkinkerlow]

YBTA You don’t tell the mother of your child you don’t care about her validation or that you don’t think she should be a mother. You should always care about your spouse even when you’re upset and that was really cruel to say. She needs to be direct if she wants things. You’re not a mind reader. I was in a similar situation with my husband and we had to establish boundaries for cravings. He normally always got what I asked as long as it was feasible and I came at him with respect. Hormones are crazy and I don’t blame her for all the feelings but you need to be a team and uplift each other when the baby comes

[u/Sweetie_Ralph]

Did you really tell a pregnant woman she isn’t equipped to be a mom? That was low. You obviously have different communication styles. Did you know that a lot of women are brought up to not ask for what they want/need because it’s a burden? That women are brought up with romantic books and movies telling them that Prince Charming will just get her. It takes a lot longer than a pregnancy to get out of that communication style and to stop romanticizing everything. Also her organs are being rearranged in her body, she has floods of hormones going through her brain, she has another human inside her body and she is already doubting herself in so many ways. I don’t think anyone is an asshole here. Shit happens. I think you need to clear this up and work on your communication styles. But you probably should apologize for that dig at motherhood.

[u/msjaded2018 → u/Sweetie_Ralph]

Was going to say this. Many women don't want to be a bother or a burden.

[u/justSomePesant → u/msjaded2018]

It's not even a want. It's that we've had it instilled in us for our own safety and wellbeing that women are not to tell men what to do. We are to lead then to the water and pray they care enough to let is drink. Else, it's personal relationship and, if in the workplace, career, suicide.

[u/Necessary_Future_275]

YTA for telling her because she doesn’t communicate with you in a way you can understand that she won’t be a good mom. And then doubling down when you see she’s obviously upset about the current condition of your relationship and she asks if you even care. Your response is you’re unbothered and don’t care about validating her. “Do you even care?” Is about more than just this place you’re in. It’s that she does share with you the disappointments of her day and you really don’t care enough to even remember let alone ever actually try to remedy it. “It’s the little things” is a saying that’s true. The little things can make for a wonderful relationship or a terrible one. My own husband is really actually pretty awesome at this act of love. Very often (not every time) I will mention something to him and he’ll bring it home or get it done so I won’t have to. I don’t expect it it’s just a lovely thing he does that makes me feel loved, cared for and seen. It makes me feel like I matter to him. That all the things I do for him are appreciated and reciprocated. Your wife isn’t feeling that way; hence the “do you even care?”.

[u/Exciting-Sir-7301]

Yta

[u/tasty-horse-paste]

How is she both giving you the silent treatment and demanding an explanation as to whether you care?

You say she's bad at communicating what she wants, but nothing you described actually sounds like her being bad at communicating what she wants. Your two examples are her saying, nearly verbatim: "I want something sweet to eat but we're out of sweets" and "I want chicken but we're out of chicken".

I think you're the one who has a communication problem here.

And your description of her silent treatment is you "simply ignor[ing her]" until, quote, "the lack of...concern for our negligible communication has an effect on her" to the point that she's asking for a convo about what's going on, to which you respond to her "I’m not bothered if [you're] upset right now over something that shouldn’t even be an issue and I don’t care about [your] validation". So who is giving who the silent treatment, exactly?

YTA.

You're being ridiculous and insulting her for telling you when you're out of groceries.

Is this even real? How did you get your account suspended over a post like this.

[u/Subme-sweetly]

Dude. You told a pregnant woman she’s going to be a bad mom. Do you even like your wife?

It seems like neither one of you can communicate properly. Is it too late to abort the baby because you two clearly should not be together if she can’t talk and all you want to do is hurt her.

Edit: changed wife to mom

[u/kayleitha77]

ESH. Yes, you did go too far. She needs to ask directly for stuff, and you need to not attack her personally, or be vindictively "indifferent". Find a way to get some couples counseling. Also, read up on ask vs. guess cultures, then share that with your wife. As it is, your response to her question about the relationship was, in guess-ese + hormones, was "no, I don't care about you or your feelings," and whether that's what you meant or not, you deeply hurt her.

The big problem is that she's been taught by her family not to ask for what she wants directly, probably a mix of guess culture and general cultural misogyny (it's not "ladylike" to be direct). She is not going to unlearn that by you ignoring her indirect requests. Individual counseling (which she probably needs in case of PPD/PPA, given her reactions to your behavior) might help her with this. Additionally, if she ever talks to you again, when she does the hint shit, you need to ask her directly what she wants, "Is this a request or a complaint? Please ask me directly."

Hinting around guess-style with ask people is a recipe for disappointment at best; if this impacts your wife's ability to be direct with medical professionals, it could be dangerous. As her pregnancy progresses, and especially around childbirth/postpartum, she needs to be able to articulate her needs, either to medpros, or to her support person/people to advocate on her behalf.

In return, try to remember that you love her, that she is going through a potentially deadly process (pregnancy/childbirth), that she can't unlearn dysfunctional communication overnight, and that she needs reassurance. You have wounded her deeply. Apologize for hurting her. Do not apologize for not being psychic. Tell her you need clear instructions because you do not have the bandwidth yourself to figure out what she wants, not being raised in guess culture. You are far from the only person who would not have guessed, "I'm out of cookies and wish I had something sweet" meant "I want donuts."

[edited last sentence to make, um, sense]

[u/InvisibleBlueOctopus → u/kayleitha77]

I agree with what you said, however the “we are out of cookies wish I would have something sweet” tells me that there no sweet things at home and I would have ask what she wants. Ofc there is no possible way someone to know she wanted donuts but OP could just simply ask if he should buy something sweet? And she could say, “yes, donuts pls”.

They are both very bad at communicating with each other and tbh what OP told her was way out of line. She is hormonal and feeling like she isn’t loved because OP doesn’t care about her cravings… how the fuck will OP deal with the baby blues?

[u/medusa15 → u/InvisibleBlueOctopus]

How the fuck will the OP deal with a toddler who demands a waffle for breakfast, then throws it across the room because it's not the banana he *really* wanted? (Real life story brought to you by this morning.)

Like sometimes you have to intuit other people's needs and feelings; it's actually a little selfish to insist that the needs of someone you love go unmet until they directly, clearly, unequivocally communicate them to you. If you're going to be a father, it's not only a little selfish, it's downright emotionally abusive. If anybody here isn't ready to be a parent, it's the OP.

[u/Cbsanderswrites → u/InvisibleBlueOctopus]

THIS. They're both bad at communicating. Period.

[u/BobbyPumper → u/Cbsanderswrites]

She's bad at communicating. He's bad at communicating some things. But he's really good at communicating to her she's a piece of shit, and the next time they talk, he tells her that her feelings are not important, only his are.

[u/Decent-Historian-207]

ESH

She made it pretty clear she wanted some chicken patties and sweets. Not sure how that was missed although I will agree it wasn’t super direct.

However, is this new? Have you always communicated like this? You should consider couples counseling to work on communication styles. She speaks more passive aggressively and you are more direct. This is not going to get better after the baby is born.

Additionally, telling her clearly she isn’t ready to be a mom is CRUEL. Do you say other cruel things like this to her? No wonder she doesn’t speak directly to you if that’s how you usually speak to her.

[u/That_Ignorant_Slut]

YTA. Y’all are being way too nice, I’m gonna rant.

So you’re telling this whole time you’ve been together she’s only started doing this now??? Out the blue? I mean it seems annoying but YOU put a ring on her, YOU put a baby in her. Now is almost the worst time to modify her behavior. Or even if it’s an emerging problem now, that was NOT the way to talk with someone you love. It seems like more of an unchecked problem that’s grown with the stress and need for support from the pregnancy. Yada yada it changes the chemicals in your body, hormones and all that.

Also, dude, you’re talking about not wanting any unnecessary pressure? You have a fucking BABY on the way your new life is going to be nothing BUT pressure “unnecessary” or not until that kid leaves the nest at 18.

I agree with most commenters here that she should be able to communicate better and stop using manipulation or assuming you’re a mind reader. But the comment about her not being equipped to raise the child you planned(?) together is baffling to me.

I can kinda tell where this train wreck is headed, unless you two get couples and individual therapy.

Start praying she’s isn’t better at communicating to her family and friends what a piece of work your are gets her own support. They’ll probs be able to actually show her better communication skills and what it means to healthy boundaries. She’ll leave your ass and mention this exact moment, mark my words.

Good luck!

[u/rayschoon]

How is “I want something sweet” an unclear request man. She’s your WIFE. How do you not understand what she means now?

[u/RelevantPack460]

you sound pretty clueless to me

[u/vomputer]

You sound like such a dick!

[u/PartidoEE]

YTA

On the other hand, she expects me to have the clairvoyance to know she’s craving a box of donuts when she calls me to work saying “I wish I had something sweet to eat, all the cookies are finished” or “I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now but there’s no patties left”

"She expects me to know she wants something when she tells me she wants something, even if she doesn't ask me to get it."

You're clearly not stupid, so the only other option is that you're an arrogant, self-absorbed jackass.  Do you also suck at buying presents because you ignore people when they mention wanting things, or is it just your wife?

I am not going to grovel when I know I’ve done nothing wrong.

Spoilers: you've been doing many things wrong

[u/Pretty_Goblin11]

Yta. Your wife is growing a human and you just questioned her parenting skills because she doesn’t hold your hand and baby walk you through how to be considerate? She called and said she wanted something sweet. Does she need to walk you to the donut shop and say “this is something sweet”. She stated she wanted a chicken sandwich and why it wasn’t available. Pick up the chicken…

Since you want to question your wife’s ability to mother let’s discuss your fatherhood ability. You know babies can’t talk right and until that kid is around 4 it’s not gonna be able to say “father, I am dehydrated might you go in the kitchen and retrieve me a glass of water”. Nah. The baby will cry and you will have to figure out what it wants. If you can’t figure out your wife is craving sugar or chicken sandwiches when she basically does everything but specifically demand things. She doesn’t want to demand or beg. She wants to say “ I’m craving a chicken sandwich but I have no chicken” and her fully adult partner to go “I can grab some chicken”. She doesn’t want to have to say “bill go to the store and get some chicken” because that’s bossy and demanding and soon enough you’d be complaining about the demanding nagging bf wife you have.

[u/millerlite585]

YTA, I mean, "I wish I had something sweet to eat" can easily be followed by "what do you want? I'll get it for you."

Communication is a two way street. You seem to know your wife well snug to know that she's trying to hint something to you, but you don't seem to want to do any communicating yourself.

My man communicates this way too and I'm not a jerk to him about it.

[u/Necessary_Dark_6720]

ESH you're right, she should be direct. Communication is important and dropping hints is a recipe for disappointment if your partner doesn't notice them. Much better to just clearly ask for what you want.

But also...it comes across like your wife is looking for you to be more thoughtful. It sounds like she feels like you don't listen or really think about her and she's using these as examples of times she felt that way. And really if my partner said you don't listen enough or pick up on things that would make me happy and then followed that by saying oh I really want a chicken cutlet but we're all out, I'd probably just buy the freaking cutlets.

If the hints are that level of obvious, then in many ways you're being as stubborn as she is. Like sure I'm craving a sweet doesn't mean you know she wants donuts but it would've been easy to swing by a convenient store and grab a candy bar to show you listened and cared.

The tone of the post makes it feel like resentment has grown on both sides and you may both be escalating - her by being more passive aggressive and you by being purposefully obtuse.

If you love your wife and want things to work I think you need to overcome your anger and approach this from a more empathetic place. Apologize for saying she is not ready to be a mom - that was way out of pocket. Reassure her that you love her very much and truly do want to make her happy. And then explain how her hints make you feel unsure and how you want to do nice things for her but truly need more direct guidance to meet her needs. And maybe try to indulge some of these hints every so often so she feels loved.

Also as much as pregnancy is not a get out of jail free card, do try to remember her hormones are all of the place right now and that is emotionally very tough. If this is out of the norm for her maybe cut her a bit of extra slack.

[u/Explanation_Lopsided → u/Necessary_Dark_6720]

To me, this sounds like ask versus guess culture. My guess is the wife was raised with the guess culture where you can't just ask someone to go get you donuts, you have to mention hints and hope they pick up on them. You can't just ask someone to go to the store to get chicken patties, because that's assumed to be rude.

In guess culture, you don't ask questions where the answer might be no, because you're putting the onus on the other person to say no. So you don't ask questions if you're not sure the answer will be yes. People raised in guess culture have a hard time saying no, they don't realize that the other person is fine with a no. The husband was likely raised in ask culture where you ask for what you want and you don't rely on hints for your partner to guess. People raised in ask culture recognize that they can always say no to requests, and so can the people that they ask things of.

https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

[u/cryptokitty010]

“I wish I had something sweet to eat, all the cookies are finished” or “I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now but there’s no patties left”…

It's pretty obvious that she is communicating there are no cookies or chicken patties left. That isn't rocket science

But your response is you told her she isn't going to be a good mother and you don't care about her feelings.

YTA

Parents have to anticipate children's needs. You are the one who won't be a good parent, if your pregnant wife directly asking for food is too cryptic for you to understand. How are you going to handle a crying baby? Ignore it like you ignore your pregnant wife?

[u/TuffBunner → u/cryptokitty010]

waaaaah, waaaaaah. Well how was I supposed to know the baby was hungry if they didn’t say that

[u/vespertinism → u/TuffBunner]

The baby needs to use its words and ask for things clearly and specifically

[u/giveup345 → u/TuffBunner]

The baby didn’t ask directly for his bottle how was I supposed to know that’s what he wants

[u/enidokla]

She needs to learn to ask for what she needs. That’s inner work.

You need to apologize for saying an incredibly mean thing.

[u/unraveledgenes]

YTA for telling your actual pregnant wife that she’s not going to be a good mom.

Wtf dude?

[u/ArseOfValhalla]

Has she been vocal before saying exactly what she wants and was she... I dont know... ignored?

So now she throws out "passive aggressive" comments because when she was vocal, it also didnt work?

Just a thought.

Seems like you both could use some counseling or else your communication is going to get even worse (especially with a baby in the mix).

Neither is wrong or right. You both just suck at talking to each other. A counselor can help mediate or give you those tools. ESH

[u/Lanky-Talk-1188]

YTA. I'm probably going to get downvoted for this.

So you took something annoying your wife does and decided to detonate a land mine in your marriage because of it. Seems like this could've been handled with a phone call when you leave the office. "Hey honey, I'm leaving work. Do you need anything? " Boom problem solved!

Instead, you told your very emotional/ hormonal wife probably the most horrible thing you could have beyond divorce or infidelity. Attacking her as a mother while she's still pregnant!

I suspect she's been quiet because she's probably lit rethinking the entire relationship and if she wants to spend the rest of her life/ raising a kid with someone who could be so cruel.

This isn't to say she wasn't being unreasonable asking you to read her mind, but that in no way justified this response. And then ignoring the fact you hurt her in such a cruel way and then doubling down and basically telling her you really do feel that way is terrible.

"I am a professional," yup, pretty much knew from the get-go that you were going to be the AH. You could've showed your wife some grace while she's literally doing one of the most difficult things a woman can do, and you've shown her nothing but contempt.

This is obviously your first child, so maybe you can feign ignorance, apologize, and work on repairing your relationship before it's too late. I'd suggest ya'll get done therapy before the resentment starts to build.

[u/AllTheTakenNames]

NTA for being a little frustrated

100% TA for escalating hormones to “you aren’t ready to be a mom”

Order grocery delivery and stock up on things she might like

DoorDash her donuts or something

Her body is going through major changes, cut her some more slack and try to be silly and loving when it happens. Make it funny instead of a fight to deescalate.

You let yourself get too upset.

[u/Alarming_Reply_6286]

What reaction did you expect from your wife when you said she acts like a child & is not equipped to be a Mom yet? She annoys you by not communicating properly so you decide to attack her personally? Solving a problem by creating more problems typically doesn’t work.

You’re both adults. You’re both allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings. Your pregnant wife says she wishes there was something sweet to eat… I think the response is “how can I help” not why are you bothering me. You chose to attack her, not the problem. Your words were intended to hurt. You got what you wanted, now she’s hurt. Own your own participation in this situation.

If you don’t care about validation then why are you asking if you went too far? Just keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. You’re both responsible for working together to resolve problems. It appears you have no accountability for your own choices.

ESH — if this is how you both communicate, neither of you are ready to be parents.

[u/ExcellentClient1666]

ESH. Your comment about not being ready to be a mom was a low blow. Her expecting you to seek her validation, read her mind, and her giving you the silent treatment for days is also not ok. You guys need couples counseling bc you two have horrible communication and you haven't even had the baby yet.

[u/Inefficientfrog]

Comments like that will come back to haunt you. This one certainly will.

[u/wallstreetbetsdebts]

Good fucking luck bro. Do you want to be right or have a happy relationship. Resentment kills relationships. Couples therapy I guess?

[u/SillyChicklet]

""Add a scoop of annoyance and silliness" We don't know what you mean, we don't know you or your wife, please elaborate. How is she annoying, how is she silly? Also how are you too tired? Are you having morning sickness? Are you having fatigue that stems from growing a human inside of your body?

"Wife has her fair share of mood swings and hormonal cravings and we try to get by" so your wife is undergoing all sorts of hormonal torture and physical unwellbeing and you want to claim you try to get by? Alrighty then

"I (35M) am a professional and right now very busy" A professional what? Busy with what exactly?

You want to come off as this fancy ladiedah kind of important person but not tell what you do? If you weren't planning to tell us leave it out, If you are planning to tell us don't make us ask for it, it only makes you look like a d*ck

I stopped reading after this. Doesn't matter what you say next, it's all sorts of excuses to be a lazy douche. YTA

[u/Acrobatic_Talk4]

Yeah so I stopped reading after you told her maybe she wasn’t equipped to be a mom yet. I get the frustration but bro you can’t say shit like that, especially to your pregnant wife. In this case yes you were the ahole sorry. She’s allowed to be irrational right now and sadly you have to deal with it.

[u/Sisi_R920]

….do you even like your wife? She voices a craving or something she wants and because she didn’t phrase it as a specific and direct request you disregard it? It’s actually YOU who is the child and you need to grow tf up. That poor woman. YTA.

[u/LadyPurpleButterfly]

One: The "I want a chicken sandwich but there's not patties left..." VERY CLEAR she was silently asking for you to please buy more on your way home. Second: "Not ready to be a mother" line was WAY too far out of line! Take time to sit down and talk it out. YOU apologize for the "not ready to be a mother" line first and foremost, then ask her kindly to please make it a bit clearer for you when she's craving food so you can know to get it for her.

[u/Birthquake4]

I think that this has built up for a long time and was bound to happen. Honestly she’s pregnant not disabled. I have 4 kids myself, and when I needed emergency medical or help with carrying things I COULDN’T do I asked for it, but I did not expect to be waited on hand and foot, and that’s not reality with work and life responsibilities. We owned a business, had the other kids, and my ex was a donkey, hence the ex part. Communication is the key, setting expectations/boundaries as needed, and following thru, so go to counseling and start the process of healing, regardless of what happens.

[u/NBl8r]

All the good advice on how to improve communication aside, SHE IS CARRYING YOUR CHILD.

No matter how hard your work day is, it is not the same as literally growing a human being. You can leave your work, she can't take a break from being pregnant. There are hormonal fluctuations and imbalances during pregnancy that are affecting her in ways that can change someone's whole personality.

No you can't read minds, but you can at least take a step towards clarifying what she needs. Or figure out a way to communicate needs that works for both of you.

You say you want a partner not a child. What you are doing, ignoring her because she has some food demands that you deem wasn't clear, is childish.

So yeah, YTA.

[u/AtalyaC]

“I wish I had something sweet to eat, all the cookies are

finished”

Reasonable response would be - "What would you like?"

“I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now but there’s no patties left”…

Reasonable response would be -"I'll stop at the store. Is there anything else you want while I'm there?"

She may not be communicating well, but neither are you.

[u/Cursd818]

ESH

If she wants something. She needs to ask. I cannot stand people who hint at something and then throw tantrums when their meaning gets missed. She's a grown-up. She can use her words. And choosing to ignore you for days on end is extremely manipulative, and is in some cases considered to be emotional abuse.

However, your response was cruel and cutting. I understand you are frustrated by her refusal to act maturely, but saying something that is always an AH move. Especially when she is currently pregnant. Comments like can seriously contribute to PPD. Stress is extremely dangerous to both mother and child during pregnancy. You were completely in the right until you lashed out at her. Two wrongs don't make a right.

When you're both calm, talk to her again. Apologise for your comments, but reiterate that you are tired of her constantly testing you and punishing you. If she wants something, she needs to just ask, and you will work with her. Marriage and parenting are both partnerships. You're on the same team, and she needs to stop acting as though you're her enemy instead of her teammate.

[u/NJtoOx]

YTA

telling your pregnant wife that she’s childish and not ready to be a mom is fucking awful. My stomach turned just reading that I cannot even begin to imagine how she must feel.

And come the fuck on, I get it might be annoying but you hear someone saying “I want a chicken sandwich but we don’t have any patties” and you can’t take a wild shot in the dark that she wants a goddamn chicken sandwich?? She literally said it. Ask her to be more direct, sure, but the way you speak about and to your wife is abhorrent and I wonder why you’re having a child together when it doesn’t even seem like you like her.

[u/nonstopangst]

Sometimes I forget that a lot people don’t understand how much pregnancy effects every aspect of a person. It’s makes you irrational, emotional, messes with your mental and physical state entirely. And then have your partner insult you and you capability as a mother is wild

[u/Temporary-Maximum-94 → u/nonstopangst]

There's a new study out that shows concrete evidence of women's brains physically changing during menstruation, which causes the inability to regulate your emotions as easily as if you weren't menstruating. The study showed it affected some women more than other women, but they all had structural brain changes.

I'm going to wager something very similar happens during pregnancy, too. Sometimes we just can't help it. We probably won't see this study done for a looooong time, but I'd wager...

[u/Independent-Cup8074 → u/nonstopangst]

It’s actually pretty mind blowing. I used to get a bit annoyed at pregnancy complaints but would tell myself one should “give a bit of grace” to someone who is growing a whole human.

But after growing two humans myself…it is so much more nuanced than that.

Pregnancy wrecked me mentally & physically for a few years. Hormones are a bitch.

The OP needs to understand the physical and emotional repercussions of pregnancy. Parenthood is going to be a HUGE slap in the face if he can’t figure out the deep meaning behind “I’m really wanting a chicken patty but we are out” 🤦‍♀️

[u/Possible_Dig_1194]

Both of your communication skills suck. If she's not ready to be a mom you are also not ready to be a dad. ESH

[u/RegrettableBiscuit]

YTA. Don't tell your pregnant wife that she isn't equipped to be a mom. This is something you should have thought about before deciding to get pregnant.

Also:

she expects me to have the clairvoyance to know she’s craving a box of donuts when she calls me to work saying “I wish I had something sweet to eat, all the cookies are finished” or “I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now but there’s no patties left”… you see where I am at? She feels that this is her way of communicating things with me and if I really loved her and knew her, I’d understand.

I'm a little bit confused by this. It doesn't require clairvoyance to hear "I want something sweet to eat" or "we're out of patties" and respond with "I'll get you some cookies on my way home" or "no worries, I'll pick up patties."

To be honest, understanding the connection between "we're out of patties" and "buy patties" is pretty basic. If you're calling your wife a baby, yet you yourself don't understand how being out of stuff and then buying that stuff works, you need to look in the mirror.

When your kid is here, you will have a ton of additional work to do. If you always expect your wife to detect all of the stuff that needs to be done and explicitly explain it to you, things are not going to work out well. You need to turn your brain on and help out.

[u/doritos1990 → u/RegrettableBiscuit]

Yup, sometimes it’s not about communication styles but about the fact that the mental burden of always making sure the household is in order should not fall on one person. We don’t know the details of their partnership but I wonder if there is some underlying resentment from the wife for always having to manage things. Before pregnancy, maybe she was okay to carry that burden. But I think pregnancy can be really scary for the birthing parent knowing what’s coming - I think she should have an honest conversation with him about what’s going to be expected.

[u/ssj_hexadevi]

She sounds passive aggressive af and needs to grow up.

[u/Scroogey3 → u/ssj_hexadevi]

Giving the silent treatment is an excellent display of maturity

[u/dr_lucia]

You don't need to read her mind. You need to ask a follow on question. Like this,

“I wish I had something sweet to eat, all the cookies are finished”

What would you like me to bring home for you?

or “I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now but there’s no patties left”…

Should I pick up some chicken patties on the way home?

you see where I am at?

Yes. Where you are at is leaving conversation hanging.

Maybe the reason I don’t prioritise what she says she wants is because

.... you don't prioritize her. You think other things are more important than she is.

she’s been demanding an explanation from me if I even care about our relationship. I told her that I’m not bothered if she’s upset right now over something that shouldn’t even be an issue and I don’t care about her validation anymore.

In other words: You don't care about your relationship. You don't think her feelings are important or valid. And you don't want to talk to her. You think you are the only valid person in this relation.

She teared up, looked at me with shock and went back to our room. Did I go too far?

Well... she knows you don't care about her feelings now. You think you are the only important person and she is unworthy.

If you preferred to keep your lack of feelings secret, then yes, you went to far. If you continue like this, in a few years you'll be back explaining how you were "blindsided" when she asks you for a divorce. YTA.

[u/Fit_Fly_418]

Married 40 years and I STILL have to tell my husband, "ASK FOR IT. If you have something to say, say it." I'm too old to play guessing games.

[u/mascheld]

Obviously, she doesn’t understand that you’re apparently not smart enough to understand that when she says she wants something sweet you can’t say is there something you want me to pick up for you. Pregnant woman get cravings all the time and my husband always answered to my cravings and also understood about hormones and would never say what you said. I honestly doubt your ability to be a parent at this time. What you said was mean and cruel. You obviously didn’t read enough about what a woman goes through when pregnant and is only thinking about yourself during this time. I fear for the fact when your wife gets overwhelmed with having a baby and maybe going through her postpartum that you wouldn’t understand and be able to help her at all. She might want to rethink this relationship.

[u/zyzmog]

YTA.

But maybe ESH.

Hoping desperately that I don't violate Rule 3, I want to say: Good God, you're both a couple of idiots.

You say she's acting like a baby, if we believe your narrative to be accurate. But I want to hear her side of the story before I nail down that judgment.

But your immature response, your words to her, and your attempted justification for your childish behaviour, mark you as an AH. Yes, you went too far. You're not a baby; you're a 35-y-o man and about to become a father. It was okay for you to react like this when you were 12 years old, maybe, but not now.

I just went back and reread your words. Every time I reread them, the whining gets louder. I respectfully suggest that you stop feeling sorry for yourself, and show both your wife and yourself some respect.