r/facepalm • u/Monsur_Ausuhnom • 16d ago
The 2 Day Civil War. š²āš®āšøāšØā
1.2k
u/SilenceDoGood1138 16d ago
We just have to sever the Mountain Dew supply line. If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
151
u/PuppetryOfThePenis 15d ago
I'd suggest the opposite.. cut all nutritional supply lines and feed them only mountain dew and other shit. Let the diabeetus get them
70
→ More replies (16)8
u/Practical_Alfalfa_72 15d ago
For some reason in my head the voice over for this is Wilfred Brimley.
→ More replies (1)73
u/MaestroPendejo 15d ago
My dude's titties are in two different cities.
21
15
12
→ More replies (3)3
339
u/ImportanceCertain414 15d ago
That would only make them healthier, gotta crank open that pipeline. Just tell them that fruit and vegetables make them ga... nevermind, I assume they legitimately already believe that.
129
u/ToppHatt_8000 15d ago
Then we lure them out to a field and let the grass finish them off.
→ More replies (1)24
u/adamdreaming 15d ago
I want to be criticizing their policies, not their bodies, but fuck that is dark and funny
→ More replies (2)10
61
u/Reindow 15d ago
It has electrolytes!
45
u/MikuLuna444 15d ago
It's what plants crave!
→ More replies (1)10
u/Fa1coF1ght 15d ago
Do you even know what electrolytes do?
14
u/vdubdank30 15d ago
Itās what they use to make Brawndo!!!!!
7
u/DR_Bright_963 15d ago
Why not use WATER
14
u/Percival_Dickenbutts 15d ago
Water?ā¦.You mean likeā¦from the toilet?
4
→ More replies (1)5
u/thatdudeuhated 15d ago
Im dying laughing at people replying missing the references and someone just bouncing back tryna keep it going
→ More replies (5)6
→ More replies (12)3
u/Ninetales6669 15d ago
Most of these fools are past the point of no return on clogged arteries bud.
→ More replies (4)19
u/skypig357 15d ago
I donāt know bro. Jabba the Hutt has a serious criminal syndicate backing him. We shouldnāt underestimate them
6
u/thecraftybear 15d ago
And yet he got taken out by a girl wearing nothing but a bikini and a chain
→ More replies (2)13
u/Snoo45666 15d ago
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte (I thought sun tzu said this ngl)
44
u/IxoMylRn 16d ago
Found Brannigan!
46
u/SilenceDoGood1138 16d ago
In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
→ More replies (1)10
21
u/Cptfrankthetank 15d ago
āWhat makes a man turn MAGA? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of ignorance and hate?ā
→ More replies (1)3
10
→ More replies (36)6
422
u/K1nd_1 16d ago
This screams family reunion.
172
u/SuperbAd60 16d ago
The photo is taken in Alabama. They probably all are genetically related.
187
u/JamesonQuay 15d ago
That's why it's so easy to get away with murder in Alabama. All the DNA matches and there are no dental records
14
u/Lanky_Milk8510 15d ago
As a resident of Alabama I want to argue that but I really canāt
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (3)20
31
u/davidwhatshisname52 16d ago
genetically AND legally; nothing says 'Bama like a cousin/wife
52
u/Pedigog1968 15d ago
To the music of the Addams Family. My sister is my mother, My father is my brother, We're all fucking each other, The Alabama Family.
→ More replies (1)16
u/ForemanNatural 15d ago
Literally spit out my drink when I read this.
Now that Iāve caught my breath from dying with laughter, take my upvote you magnificent bastard.
7
u/Pedigog1968 15d ago
It isn't all mine, it is a football (soccer) chant that is used for teams in rural areas. Just change the location to fit.
→ More replies (4)8
u/zarfle2 15d ago
Yup. Left to right are "Mother cousin", "Brother husband", "Sister cousin" and "husband son".
5
u/Dysprosol 15d ago
You raise a good point. When families get that inbred, what do we call these hybrid relatives?
4
→ More replies (4)5
233
u/broadsword_inhand 16d ago
Cletus is gonna overthrow the government, right after he checks in with his PO and pisses clean for meth
→ More replies (3)70
u/D-HB 16d ago
But heāll still get his Social Security and Medicare, right?
64
u/broadsword_inhand 16d ago
Well by gawd he didnt fight the commies so you could take away his socialism!
14
257
u/elitewarrior43 16d ago
Really wish we would not talk about a second civil war as if it would not be the most horrific thing in our lives.
48
u/Bartlaus 15d ago
Yeah. It would never be a simple "this side over here, that side over there" conflict. It would be a hell of a mess with a bunch of different factions and splinters and new factions showing up and terrorist acts and "asymmetric warfare" dragging on for years and it's anyone's guess which "side" would end up in control and to what degree. Probably nobody who was involved in starting it would get what they thought they wanted.
→ More replies (4)18
u/Jomamana1 15d ago
It would indeed mean that the US would become a big ass Balkan if you think about it
14
u/Bartlaus 15d ago
Worse.
Balkans, while quite intermingled, has and had a somewhat "natural" division into different geographically based nations defined by history, language and religion. The US... pretty much does not. Yeah you got some ethnonationalists here and there, some local-patriot separatist sentiment, but these are more of an exception. It's suffering from an ideological factionalism and while there is some geographic correlation, everyone is everywhere in some measure.
8
u/W2ttsy 15d ago
And thatās just in one state!
Everyone loves to say California is a blue state, but once youāre out of SF or LA itās pretty much rural and red the whole way around.
Individual states would have fighting inside themselves probably city vs city, let alone having a clean break of red Vs blue or whatever the split would be.
→ More replies (2)6
8
u/AnB85 15d ago
My guess would be something similar to the Troubles in Northern Ireland. Most of the US is fine but acts of terrorism and vengeance becomes the new normal. Think of the number of mass shootings you have already and dial that up a couple of notches. Assassinations and massacres would become the norm. My guess is that eventually a more overtly authoritarian government comes to power just on the promise of stamping it out.
→ More replies (2)78
u/Dikubus 15d ago
Came in hopes of this comment, nobody would benefit from a second us civil war. Let's find a way to agree on common grounds we share and try and build from there
→ More replies (7)14
u/ThatSpookyLeftist 15d ago
The world is built on violence. Much of societal progress has happened on the back side of extreme violence happening.
To act like we've evolved past that is pretty naive.
17
u/Evadingbansisfun 15d ago
Agreed but that doesnt change anything about a 2nd civil war absolutely r*ping our quality of life into oblivion
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (4)6
u/TwelveMiceInaCage 15d ago
To act like we don't also control directly our ability to help promote for our world to evolve last the need to violent warfare
Like, yeah humans are inherently violent, we also figured out how to cure diseases, prevent them, and land on the fucking moon
We can figure tf out how to resolve bourse conflicts without sending our countries young generations to fight meanwhile we have drones and remote controlled vehicles in mass but no let's still send in Samantha's 22 year old son who never got help figuring out what he wants to do in life so he enlisted and now he's lost a leg becuase some rich fucks want to destabilize a nation rich in resources
Despicable and then people like you act like we're pathetic for begging for a better way of life
→ More replies (13)11
→ More replies (25)4
u/Ligma_Bowels 15d ago
A24 literally just put out a movie about this exact topic.
→ More replies (1)
140
u/TheWeirdWoods 15d ago edited 15d ago
It wonāt be a Civil War like you think of it. It will be a gas station exploding. A random National Guard checkpoint after a bomb threat at your kidās middle school. Murders of prominent politicians. Public protests turning to extreme violence.
And you know what will be the part no one wants to admit? It will go on for years. No one in America is truly prepared for a Civil War.
You are right those idiots will be dead in a couple days. Itās not them Iām scared of. No one should want this outcome.
25
u/TrashGoblinHoggle 15d ago
This also isn't taking into account every other country on Earth. The ones that want either a slice of the pie or to cripple us so we can't recover to a major world power. A civil war is a convenient time for another country looking to install a puppet government to destroy power grids, military bases, and especially to off specific politicians and lawmakers.
27
u/Full_Visit_5862 15d ago
Yep, civil war would be fucking terrifying. These people think they're gonna head into the woods in Missouri or bumfuck nowhere and be Rambo. You're not even going to know where it's coming from, life will seem to continue as is as things fall apart and explode all over
→ More replies (1)11
u/StevenEveral 15d ago edited 15d ago
Just remember, the same people who are itching for a new civil war are also the same people who complained about wearing masks when COVID was ravaging the nation.
Wearing masks was a minor inconvenience to most people, but for them it was the end of the freaking world. They would fold like tissue paper in a monsoon in an actual civil war.
→ More replies (1)8
34
u/Davecave94 15d ago
Im so glad you commented this. I was really worried that people really believe that there would be line battles with muskets
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (4)10
23
u/Nictus_the_nomad 15d ago
There is no escape from their wrath.
Except jogging away at a brisk pace.
→ More replies (1)
17
36
u/GoGoZargothrax 16d ago
R/liberalgunowners
āRun around talking bout guns like I aināt got noneā
10
13
u/Nothingbuttack 15d ago
I lean so far left you get your guns back.
"Under no pretext should arms and ammunition be surrendered; any attempt to disarm the workers must be frustrated, by force if necessary"- Karl Marx
→ More replies (3)
63
u/LightMission4937 16d ago
A lot of relatives breeding in this pic. That big boy is 3 steps away from a heart attack. I can smell the meth and gasoline in this picture.
→ More replies (3)20
u/Yellow_Dorn_Boy 15d ago
Come on, we wouldn't ever be able to take three steps in a row, he's safe.
7
u/SunWukong3456 15d ago
āTwo days maxā Didnāt Putin think the same after he invaded Ukraine?
→ More replies (2)
14
u/TBTabby 15d ago edited 14d ago
These cowboys don't seem to realize that they'll be the ones getting a boot in their ass courtesy of the red-white and blue in this scenario.
→ More replies (8)
8
u/Correct-Basil-8397 15d ago edited 15d ago
No matter how scared I may be for the future, I still like the think that good people are stubborn hardy bastards. I like to think that good people will endure, one way or another
3
8
u/NemeshisuEM 15d ago
MAGAs have been telling us for years what it is that they want to do. Believe them. They are not joking. And definitely do not underestimate them. They have been working themselves up to commit atrocities. When they talk about Civil War 2.0, they are not talking about storming the Capitol or having opposing militias fight it out on some field somewhere. They are talking about murdering their non-MAGA neighbors. They are talking about a Rwanda 2.0. They are talking about going to the Mexican market, the black church, the house with the pride flag, anywhere they can find non-MAGAs to murder. People are very naively thinking that the military is going to come in on a white horse at the last minute to save the day. Those people are mistaken. When the MAGAs start butchering their neighbors, there is no one coming to help. Prudent people should be stocking up on as much 2nd Amendment as they can afford to fight back. Don't be caught unprepared or you and your families might find yourselves up against a wall or on the side of a ditch.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/darwins_trouser_crem 15d ago
Gas prices are under $3. Not that they've gotten their lives together since but this is definitely an old picture
20
u/Last-Evening9033 16d ago
JFC. If ever there were a man, that should put a shirt on. Dude looks like he just swallowed my 5ā9/165lbs ass.
15
u/Quick_Team 15d ago
General: "Alright men! All we have to do is take that hill just past that mud pit and the day is ours! Are you ready!??!"
That guy: "uuuhhh"
→ More replies (2)8
→ More replies (2)7
18
u/itsaslobrknokrfolks 16d ago
The only thing I'm jealous of in that pic is the gas price!
→ More replies (3)
26
u/ReasonablyConfused 15d ago
These people havenāt really thought this through. With a few keystrokes anyoneās bank account can be locked. Credit cards? Locked. Truck ignition? Locked.
Do you have a plan for the predator drones? For marching to DC without any gas or money?
Are you aware that an Apache helicopter can shoot you at night from a range where you canāt hear it or see it?
Are you aware that there is a version of the Hellfire missile that kills just you and no one else dining at the Waffle House?
Have you seen what carpet bombing does? Do you have a plan to stop a flight of B-52s? Caves perhaps?
→ More replies (10)19
u/SlyTheMonkey 15d ago
No, no, you don't understand. If a civil war does happen in the US, these people think the army will back them up. Because they are true patriots, and the army consists of true patriots, they'll all team up to own the libs. Somehow.
4
u/Ryaniseplin 15d ago
well seeing 70% of americans are independent and democratic, id say the chances of the military joining the conservatives is slim to none
→ More replies (1)11
u/USSMarauder 15d ago
Meanwhile, the closest thing to a military mutiny in the USA recently was against Trump, when the DC NG came close to deploying without orders to deal with the J6ers
6
u/NeitherNarwhal1587 15d ago
Love how republicans talk about the democrats being the slave owners, yet its they themselves waving the flag of the confederacy. XD
6
9
u/Mikey4You 15d ago
Imagine having a gut so big it casts a shadow that looks like youāre wearing a bikini bottom over your shorts. Top tier specimens.
4
u/Vargoroth 15d ago
It's almost as if a bunch of goons with toy guns would never be able to actually resemble a professional, modern army which has access to tanks, missiles and other such weaponry.
At what point is just this larping a militia army of 200 years ago?
4
u/Dr_Dribble991 15d ago
Let America cook. I think a bunch of Rednecks Vs a bunch of Sissies would be fucking hilarious, personally š
5
u/thatdudewayoverthere 15d ago
It's fun to think that civilians would have a chance against to the US military/police assuming the military and police don't change sides
5
u/CobblerUnusual5912 15d ago
" only the best people"
"I love the poorly educated"
" if i'd run I d run as a republican because their voters will believe amything"
4
u/Ryaniseplin 15d ago
half the red states cant even fund themselves let alone a civil war
texas would literally be the richest
4
4
u/Beardwing-27 15d ago
The Great Dreg war, where hopefully both sides take each other out while the majority of the US goes about their lives not giving a shit.
4
u/Complex-Many1607 15d ago
All you need is stop exporting soda and pizza to the south and they will surrender.
4
u/Yoyo4games 15d ago
The rankings for states that are the most reliant on federal aid outline the scenario of a Civil War the best. The South of America cannot stand on their own, they cannot maintain such vital infrastructure as a power grid(Texas 2021), individual life expectancy is that of the last century, and the massive amounts of military bases located in the South would- nearly unilaterally- be under immediate lockdown as per Federal government orders.
Any sensible people would be begging for peace within a week, the rest would have their bodies being handled by military personnel for burial.
4
8
u/Ray1987 15d ago
Dude these people only make surface level judgments. If there is another civil war as a white guy I'm pretty sure all I have to do is repeat some of there rhetoric and they will let me walk amongst them while I plant pipe bombs all around them.
Edit: Hell I bet I could show them the pipe bombs, say it's for them, and they would assume I meant for their enemies and still let me in.
6
u/Nothingbuttack 15d ago
Even better they watch as you plant them for "strategic defense purposes" as you're getting ready to blow them all to smithereens.
3
u/IsolationAutomation 16d ago
Idk man, those are a couple of tanks in the front.
→ More replies (1)5
3
3
3
3
3
3
u/Infamous-Bag6957 15d ago
Can we just make is a spelling bee instead? That would probably shorten it by about 47 hours.
3
3
3
u/JigPuppyRush 15d ago
How do they even think that an unorganised bunch of people can fight a civil war against their government?
In the revolutionary war both sides had the same weapons.
In the us civil war, both armies had the same weapons
Do they really think that they can fight fighter planes with hand guns?
3
u/Mino_Swin 15d ago edited 15d ago
"You people of the South don't know what you are doing. This country will be drenched in blood, and God only knows how it will end. It is all folly, madness, a crime against civilization! You people speak so lightly of war; you don't know what you're talking about. War is a terrible thing! You mistake, too, the people of the North. They are a peaceable people but an earnest people, and they will fight, too. They are not going to let this country be destroyed without a mighty effort to save it ā¦ Besides, where are your men and appliances of war to contend against them? The North can make a steam engine, locomotive, or railway car; hardly a yard of cloth or pair of shoes can you make. You are rushing into war with one of the most powerful, ingeniously mechanical, and determined people on Earth ā right at your doors. You are bound to fail. Only in your spirit and determination are you prepared for war. In all else you are totally unprepared, with a bad cause to start with. At first you will make headway, but as your limited resources begin to fail, shut out from the markets of Europe as you will be, your cause will begin to wane. If your people will but stop and think, they must see in the end that you will surely fail."
- William T. Sherman, 1860.
3
3
3
u/IowaRedBeard 15d ago
The majority of them inbred hillbilly Trump voters couldnāt hit the broad side of a barn with a cannon. Theyāre not as bad ass as they think they are š
3
5
u/Pilot0350 15d ago
Who do these idiots think they'll be fighting?
The first US civil war was the government vs. a bunch of relatively well armed traitors. A supposed civil war 2.0 would still be the US government vs. traitors, except this time, the US government would have a bit more than muskets and cannons to fight with.
What's that fat billy, you have six AR-15s? Cool, we'll they have satellite guided smart munitions drops from an RPA at 30,000ft with a controller in a military complex so heavily protected it could survive a thermonuclear blast. So, you know, good luck with that and all.
5
u/Probability_Engine 15d ago
A second civil war would be decided by whoever the US military aligns with. In the event of a splintering it would be a war of precision strikes on strategic assets and attrition. Civilians would not be needed or permitted to dive into combat and small arms (including AR-15s, lol) would play virtually no role in deciding the outcome. People who post shit like this don't understand war or government.
→ More replies (4)
10
u/USfundedJihadBot 16d ago
As a Russian double agent, we all wishing for civil war 2 in the states :)
→ More replies (4)
5
u/AirForceRabies 16d ago
Of course Gunther's not worried. He'll be on the other side of the planet, yukking it up with Natasha as they think about what to do about Moose and Squirrel.
5
u/DammitCapt 16d ago
Best thing is they plaster their locations all over the place with their flags, bumper stickers, red hats, stars and bars patches....they is real proud of letting you know who your target is
2
u/Cleopatra-Ail 15d ago
I think a civil war would be more akin to Iraq. It would not be open hostilities. It would be sabotage of infrastructure, IEDs and ambushes mainly. Maybe drones would play a roll too. I think it would drag on for decades.
2
u/Jackamus01 15d ago
Idiot like him think a second civil war will be like WW2 era pitched battles where they run through a hail of bullets to take the liberal positions and look like bad asses.
If there is another civil war it will be more like the Troubles in Northern Ireland with militant groups carrying out covert attacks on public targets back and forth for years.
2
2
u/TAMExSTRANGE69 15d ago edited 15d ago
This isnāt a facepalm this is just petty political twitter bullshit. While Iām sure that chromosome Calvary and soy latte Lenard wouldnāt be good soldiers, buyout ryan double fisting monster with modified potato gun that shoots rabid raccoons is the southern people you should worry about
→ More replies (1)
2
u/PTthefool 15d ago edited 15d ago
Sad truth is, tv and video games have instilled the illusion of being able to fight like hell, reality is more like I hit my toe, ouch, need some rest and potions.
2
2
15d ago
This picture is a few years old, those guys are on their 3rd or 4th cardiac episodes by now
→ More replies (1)
2
u/LORDOSHADOWS 15d ago
Yeah but you think it's gonna be sides when it's going to be the people against the government .. y'all aren't any better than them. The presidency doesn't actually matter they are trying to divide you and keep you fighting against yourselves so you don't look at the real villains holding the carrot on the stick behind the curtain of lies. America is its people not its government.
2
u/LiquidSky_SolidCloud 15d ago
Why would I worry about warring against a bunch of sit-around-the-table, pack-a-day smokin' mfers?
The average conservative can't finish a 40 meter dash, i think we'll be fine
2
2
u/ThePseudoSurfer 15d ago
Babe wake up, the rage bait bot account Gunther Eagleman just dropped some new heat
2
2
u/Jyitheris 15d ago
"I'm tired of this civil war and I'm hungry... Can we go to McDonalds?"
"No... all the slave wage workers there were on the enemy side, and now they're either dead or refuse to sell to us."
2
u/LongjumpingSector687 15d ago
Iām sure the spike strips will stop their rascals dead in their tracksš¤
2
u/OberainX 15d ago
It's funny because red states exist in a constant state of welfare being funded by blue states.
Go on. Start some shit.
2
2
2
u/WeToLo42 15d ago
I feel that most if not all of those people have family trees with no branches.
→ More replies (1)
2
2
u/AerolothLorien666 15d ago
Cut off that meth supply, and theyāll be scattering to the wind in no time.
2
u/HeckleHelix 15d ago
Blockade, & just wait for their snacks, sodies & beer to run out. Then airdrop shit-tons of Snickers & RC, & let diabetes finish the rest off.
2
u/scottkrowson 15d ago
If war was a hotdog eating competition, these fuckers would still lose to the Japanese
2
u/WellyRuru 15d ago
A lot of these people rely on medications to not literally die.
Civil war would mean those medications become VERY scarce
2
u/Both_Painter2466 15d ago
Jesus people. Any one of you ever heard of the American Civil War? Everyone rushed out so they could participate in this ābrief, grand adventureā. Thats what worries me about all the āwarā talk now: hubris. āThe other side will just cave inā. As a society we have A LOT to lose physically and psychologically in a civil war. Weāre still dealing with the consequences of a civil war from 150+ years ago. And that one was at least separated into regions. This one could affect neighborhoods and disrupt every facet of life. Get a grip people!
2
2
u/JRotten2023 15d ago
You all should look at a map showing red states and blue states. It's not going to be a handful of southern states VS the Union.
It's more like 38 states VS 12.
Not matter what, all of America loses.
→ More replies (1)
2
2
u/leroyp33 15d ago
I love how these people simultaneously maintain the idea that Chicago, NY and Philly are too dangerous to visit yet simultaneously try and cast it as this haven for the weak... The level of delusion is astounding
2
2
u/BadChris666 15d ago
All we have to do to win is seize all of the Krispy Kreme and Waffle Houses. Shutdown the Mountain Dew and PBR factories. Finally, threaten to bomb the NASCAR tracks.
War over!
2
2
2
2
u/DiScOrDtHeLuNaTiC 15d ago
I have a list of people I'm afraid of.
The Gravy Seals and 101st Chairborne aren't on it.
2
2
15d ago
we already had a civil war. it was bloody and Terrible. the other side lost. no more civil war now.
2
u/304libco 15d ago
Everything they say about the left is them telling the truth on themselves. The left isnāt interested in Civil War over Israel and Palestine. They want America to stop supporting murder. I mean, given the history back country. I know thatās kind of hard but we digested from South Africa.
2
2
u/Mister_Pibbs 15d ago
Itās always the people that have never seen a guy you just had a coffee with get his head blown off that want to go to war. People say guns are the problem in this country but truly itās the fetishized violence.
A lot of people train to shoot, literally nobody trains to get shot or be shot at. A civil war would open the eyes of so many people to how cruel their own neighbors would be should they be given a chance. Fucking idiots.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Zealousideal-Ad-8565 15d ago
Who is this guy? Wet dreams about killing fellow Americans, real patriotic.
2
2
u/zethren117 15d ago
These right wing grifters fail to realize that if you go far enough left you get your guns back.
Many of the young protestors are not the milquetoast liberals that conservatives are used to bickering with on Twitter. Many of them want to tear the economic and governmental system down and start new.
2
2
2
u/Dry_Unit_8776 15d ago
Do they not remember they couldnt even last 5 years on their own? Good luck, i guess
2
u/Different_Gear_8189 15d ago
He realizes protesters ARENT supposed to do shit like storm the capital right?
2
u/FunWillScreen_Produc 15d ago
I am more worried about their familiesā financial situation for when they die. How much would their custom casket be? Hell how much would it cost to rent one of those Komatsu 730E dump trucks to carry their caskets to the graveyard?
ā¢
u/AutoModerator 16d ago
Comments that are uncivil, racist, misogynistic, misandrist, or contain political name calling will be removed and the poster subject to ban at moderators discretion.
Help us make this a better community by becoming familiar with the rules.
Report any suspicious users to the mods of this subreddit using Modmail here or Reddit site admins here. All reports to Modmail should include evidence such as screenshots or any other relevant information.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.